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I think I've safely ascertained that I'm anonymous here, well, as anonymous as one can be online.

So I'll be honest.

I can't take anymore. I can't keep going. I'm so fucking tired of living. I'm such a wimp that I know I won't end my own life but I can feel any passion for life draining out of me like blood seeping from a severed artery.

I have a shit job. I have a shit body. A shit face. A shit personality. I am grotesque. Everything that I ever loved leaves me and it's because I alienate people from me.

I have never had, and never will have anything to offer the world. I'm unloveable. I've been so fucking lonely for so long because my personality defects mean people don't tend to stick around very long.

On one hand I'm saying that I just want someone to help me. But on the other hand I'm saying I just don't care anymore. I'm so fucking lonely. I have to shut off any emotion or I'll end up in a fucking mental institution.

I'm being driven crazy by the world and by my own head and I don't know how to make it stop.

I don't know ANYTHING anymore.

I recognize this feeling. I've had minor occurrences of it since I got clean but this is much bigger.

Fucking depression.

I won't let it get me again.

I'm doing all the right things (I think) but I still feel like I'll never be good enough and its affecting my life.

Just going to ride it out and make every attempt to cause as little harm as possible (to myself and others).

Fuck it. I'm bigger than this negativity. I'm better than what I think I am.

There's just so fucking much work to do in the area of progress that its fucking overwhelming.

Again... fuck it. Things will work out in the end

Yes, I'm a weirdo but I miss my pets so much they're growing older and I can't be with them. I remember raising the two kittens from when they're two weeks old and now they've grown so much. I also miss my other pets and my black labrador puppy I wish transitional housing would allow pets or we could move out quicker. Right now two of the pets are in a boarding place and the rest are at friends.... I wish they were with me instead. I love my pets more than I love humans. I so care about animals more than anything. Lol I've been so sad I've tried to catch stray cats twice but they ranaway from me. One night was when high!! The other time well, I was sober >.< Ugh I miss them tons and I want them with me... I don't care if I have to live in a box, if I had all my pets I would be happy.

I haven't written a blog in awhile mainly due to the fact I have no time or maybe I do and I just like to pretend I do. Anyways my mother and I no longer live in a shelter but now their transitional housing program for women and children who got out of domestic violence situations. Its a big three bedroom apartment which sucks because the one bedroom is empty due to the fact my sister had to go back up to CT to live with my father after the whole eviction thing ): I miss her so much but at least she can finish her senior year without all this drama. Other than that this apartment may be nice and all but living here is hell. So many rules, they treat us like we're dumb, do random inspections all the fucking time! And also they stomp on all of our rights. This is suppose to be a program that helps abused women but they treat us just as bad if not worse than the person we got away from. So because of this I decided to get a job to help get my mother and I out of here. We're just going insane being here... The thing is my mother is still unemployed and my job is giving me fucking shit hours so because of this we're still currently stuck here. I don't know how much longer I can take it though. These people get under your skin... They treat you like you're incompetent, even making every women here go grocery shopping with them because they think we can't do it on our own. I swear to god I'm going to flip shit sooner or later even though I'm trying not to.

Should I get a second job and stay in this shit hole? Then go to school in the fall like I was suppose to this year... Yeah, PSU I unenrolled good job on my part! Not sure if that should be sarcastic or not...maybe I did fuck up. Should I get back into the swing of hating life and sitting in classes when I rather be somewhere else? Or should I explore the world and live life until I'm ready to conform? Right now I don't really have anything that's keeping me where I am. Well I do have this one person maybe a few but in the end I just want to live my life far away from here.

It feels like 6 months.

I don't really know how I am going to get through these next few weeks.

Maybe I will just stick to marijuana. Get stupid, sleepy, hungry, giggly.

Really, what's the point in spending such and such $$$ on oxycodone if I'm just going to be fiending once again when I use what I intended as a week's supply in a matter of 2 or 3 days? Why am I so angry and raging at everyone who doesn't deserve it? Why am I so tired if all I do is sleep?

I have 3 giant bags of laundry to do in addition to my bed linens and comforter... I don't even know if I have the $20 dollars to spare to do laundry. I'm so filthy I don't even feel human. I'm so cold also. My neck is killing me. Apparently having cysts in your neck is not a big deal. I really dislike Indian doctors. I'm sorry, I don't know what it is, but I always feel dismissed by them. Perhaps it's a cultural thing. Perhaps they see people who are not Indian as lab rats and guinea pigs. Perhaps I just have come across a couple of shitty doctors who all happened to be Indian which causes confirmation bias.

My grades haven't come in yet. I'm slightly worried about my film class. Perhaps the Professor will feel generous this holiday season and throw me a C out of the pure kindness of his heart. Ha, ha.

I have enough Wellbutrin and Cymbalta in my closet to kill an elephant. Perhaps I should take it. Not all of it... just as it was intended. I never liked the feeling of antidepressants. The one I really, gung-ho tried was Paxil. I slept all day and puked practically everything I ate. It wasn't pretty. Like, I vomited in my plate at Denny's. It could have just been the Denny's but it was happening all the time. I didn't really care though.

Paroxetine works on the serotonin receptors whereas Wellbutrin, I believe, works on the dopamine receptors. I don't know what the fuck Cymbalta does. I'm just pretty scared about the whole antidepressant thing. What the fuck will it do to me this time? At least I know what recreational drugs *DO* ... Gah, I don't want to start ranting for fear I may not stop...

Anyway, the only thing I'm looking forward to is a WWE Wrestling event I'm going to on the 27th. That was our big Xmas gift -- floor seats, bitches! I remember watching it when I was a kid with my dad. Back during the Monday Night Wars between WWF and WCW. I just got back into WWE over the summer. I was like... dude, I need a hobby. Oh, I know, I will watch hot sweaty men in tights throw each other around! That was always fun! Yay Xmas. :D

Although, considering the fact that I'm Jewish, all this Christmas hoopla has always been meshuggah to me. Not that I celebrate Chanukah either. There's not really much I care about. I'm too empathetic and I can't handle it right now. I have to take care of myself.

I'm supposed to go to a friend's house to celebrate Christmas and bring food and alcohol and pot but I don't have any fucking money and she's just going to bitch at me if I don't go but my brother and girlfriend don't want to go so... what the fuck do I do? I think the most logical thing would be to tell her I can't make it. She's like, "Bring shrimp, bring this, bring that" and I'm like, If you haven't noticed I'm fucking broke and can't afford to feed someone else's family, you thick bitch... I'm in the middle of trying to avoid an eviction, not trying to feed you shrimp... Jesus fuck, she's probably the stupidest and most selfish person on Earth but she's utterly clueless about it... Or so she acts. Leeches, all of them...

Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.

I really think I'm going to try an NA meeting... try to suspend my disbelief long enough to possibly get something out of it. But I don't know. I need to find another job, though. That's for sure... Fucking stupid ass store... I don't need to deal with that. Let's see if I even get my paycheck for the 2 nights I worked. So pathetic. I couldn't even hack it. It was depressing as fuck. At least I didn't shit my pants! 8)

Anyway. Time to try and eat dinner... without getting nauseous.

HOW DO PEOPLE EAT AFTER USING OPIATES?? I feel like my stomach isn't the same.

Miserable. Sober. Lonely. Trapped. Don't want to celebrate Christmas, don't want to celebrate anything. Need to shower. I'm freezing cold. I haven't really eaten in a few days. Just a meal or two, nothing serious.

I've been entertaining thoughts in my mind. Of running away. Of going to NA and trying to get better. Of going up to random, dangerous looking people asking them for heroin. Do I want to take that leap from oxycodone to heroin? When everything has been so shitty as it is...

Hell, I'd be happy with a 120# 10/325 Percocet prescription per month. Why is it so hard, so taboo?

I need to find a new job now. Sigh. What the fuck is wrong with me? I let everyone down and always complete my self-fulfilling prophecies of doom... What the fucking fuck?

Fucking just kill me now. Get it over with. I don't want to kill myself because I don't want to go to hell. Is that weird? But I think my brother and girlfriend would be better off without me. I'm just a burden...

Maybe I should tell my therapist that. Check myself into the damn mental hospital. Everyone else got a chance to go, right? Why can't I get a little vacation from myself? Schools over... Two months of oohing going on. Then I get to see what the fuck will happen...

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I don't want to die but I don't want to live...

This isn't one of those cries for attention, either. This is my sober mind talking. I miss my mother, I miss my father and everyone else in my life only wants something from me, except for my brother and girlfriend who I keep disappointing. And my dogs. I love my dogs.

But they'll all be taken care of and it's just a matter of time really...

First of all, do not ever sniff a high dose of 2-CI, although the trip MAYBE worth the pain.. try not to do it. In fact, DO NOT DO IT at all lol.

Well, I snorted (and even very bad measured) 30-35mg of 2-CI. It fell like the the entire universe going through my nose, then my brain, I was tripping very intense and the pain was the same. I was really worried. Thankfully to my experience in handle "these things" in "these events" I cleaned my nose with water, if you know what I mean. Keep in mind I was tripping 30-35mg of 2-CI at the time, so... lol.

After that I came down with 2mg Clonazepam that NOT LITERALLY melted in mouth, and some Lyrica. The Lyrica helped to ease my pain too. I love Pregabalin. In any case-

I'm feeling very happy with this stuff right now, while some days ago 2-CE gave a mental shake, this drug (and even in high amounts) gave me a pretty good ego and sharpened my intellectual side even more. But at this point it wasn't and I don't think it will be as a high dose of LSD or 2-CE.

Playing Touhou (a bullet hell shooter very music and logically based) was awesome. I made it to a strong boss playing even with the most difficult character. Very cool. And lol'ing all the time about how awesome was my performance playing and even thinking about my job at the same time.

I feel (this is obviously subjective) that the lack of "inmense mental change" that lacks 2-CI, boost a lot all the senses. It's obviously difficult to explain, but gives a even higher 'amperage' of everything. Specially music, and that's why I used the word "amperage".
I feel like watching anime or House...

OK, this is getting a little more interesting, watching House MD S8E1 (House in prison) I understood absolutely every detail of the chapter, I could enjoy it and even criticize some minimal things about it (House MD has few details missing giving how awesome and complex the show is), so, it was, cool.
But I was suddenly lying in bed feeling opiated like. And I was out of Tramadol, or Codeine. It has to be the 120mg of Lyrica I have taken some hours ago with the phenethylamine (I'm rounding everything just to justify the point that I having a mental edge and feeling opiate like at the same time - without opiates or opioids, it's, too awesome, so I'm trying to figure it out... does this make sense?)

I feeling sleepy but extremely aroused about all my senses, so I don't wan't to sleep. I wish I would have some Codeine or Tramadol right now.. Lyrica will do it, but it I have to take all I have of it... and Modafinil and some pfed... the point is... it's soon to sleep, I want to keep realizing stuff with my senses so extended... I don't know.... I'm not visually nor mentally tripping hard right now, but I just don't want to 'let it be'...
and the point it's almost christmas and the end of the year gives a feeling of 'enjoy what you have given to the max because you worth it, and you have suffered, suffer and will suffer so much psychological and physical pain, that you deserve it. The year ends, a whole new world awaits (and if not, the ethereal existence), keep pushing it, because after all, the point it's to found some truth in something, your life or the whole universe, it doesn't matter as long it's THE TRUTH about it'.
Wow, I can't believe I wrote that. 1 AM right now.

Well, it's 1.31 AM right now, the last 4 hours felt like the twice. I'm reading my mail and even answering some job problems, but in the good sense, I'm very very sharp- but tired.

I will go to sleep while listening to Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds and see what happens. I'm still hesitant about sleeping but for some reason I don't want to take more Lyrica, Modafinil or Pfed. Posting this because I don't know if I'll fall asleep and the trip will end.

So far, overall, 2-CI it's, like most phenethylamines, very stimulating and sharpness all your senses delightfully, but it doesn't "break walls", at least with my record with psychodelics.

Peace (or talk later [with myself lol]).

Thank you bluelight, and all you little bluelight munchkins. My addiction left me lonely and lost all alone towards the long and torturous end of it; but you all have been just another one of those things that come into the vision of newly opened eyes-when climbing out of the hopeless hole. Not that everyone does or eventually will feel this way from using, but I did, and am glad there is such a spot with so many nooks and crannies of info, and experiences that are shared. My main point was to throw a thanks out there to everyone!!

Preparations for our final piece for the term at uni...We had a project on the South Bank which I personally find to be the most horrible place in London. I tried to merge common sights and scenes into some sort of homogenous collage that sums up the place in one view. This was not intended to glorify the South Bank in any way, more to present it for what it is: A confused mess of buskers, businessmen and sick pigeons.

i am obsessing over a text from a friend. normally i would be rather pleased with myself and not really care about the repercussions of the text. but i actually have a conscience it seems. which i guess is a good thing.

sometimes i feel silly making cryptic entries like this. but then there are thoughts i feel like i need to get out. except that i don't feel like typing a whole history of my friend and i. nor do i really have a lot to say on the matter. other than yeah, the text was somewhat unexpected.

my trainer asked why i keep showing up every week and whatnot when i don't really seem to care about being healthy. i thought it was an interesting question and i don't really have an answer...

it came up because he was talking about how most of the people he trains replace their bad habits with exercise. and that they generally get annoyed with the hangovers and feeling like shit. he said that i am his only client (that he knows of anyhow) that continues to get unsober regularly.

i suppose it is odd that i don't really like myself but exert the effort to exercise. i like the attention i get from looking good and like the random text from a friend, i usually get an ego boost from it. but at the end of the day my head is still as active as ever and i want a break from it. and the easiest way to do that is to become unsober.

using the word unsober is prolly odd too. i am not too concerned with what i am consuming, i turn to alcohol because it is easy to acquire. but i've done the same thing when i had plentiful access to g and ketamine. hell, when i don't have substances i turn self destructive. i guess i am always at battle with myself and take the easy way out with drugs.

i think that i am going to work on getting my head into decent shape in 2012. i don't really know how i plan on doing that. i've been looking up therapists and prolly should actually call one. i'm kinda nervous tho. because i don't really know what it is i would be seeing them about. i'm not exactly depressed (last time i was depressed and had a fairly decent idea why) and my anxiety isn't too out of control. i don't know if therapy can help with disliking myself.

my friend has a tendency of saying that i get stuck in my head. i think that is what is happening now. i am becoming over analytical about things. and the more i think about things, the less "ok" i become with them. but the things are varied and change from day to day. it is not one concrete thing that i can pinpoint.

and on that note, i need to head to work out. maybe i will come back and edit this. or maybe delete it. or maybe just leave it.

I almost killed myself this weekend after having a bad trip on mushrooms and hearing voices that told me that I had to kill myself, otherwise they'd get me later. and even after the trip ended and I was sober, I still felt like I had to do it, and I still sort of feel it now. I went through hell and saw things people shouldn't have to see, I felt burns on my skin, I was the most terrified I've ever felt in my life and I just wanted it to end so when they told me to kill myself I almost did it. luckily I ran into someone who took care of me and saved me from some of the darkness but there was no way they could completely tear me out of that trip.

I'm pissed off. because I asked my ex for 4g and he just grabbed a random bag and without telling me, gave me 8 grams instead. he never told me that he didn't measure it out. and he laughed when he told me much much later, once I was completely sober.
it didn't look like 8 because it was crushed up but it still looked off. I ate it all anyways..

And now he's telling my sister that I never specified how much i wanted, trying to cover his ass so he doesn't look bad, since they\re good friends. trying to make me look like the idiot. I'm sure he gave me it just for laughs, but it wasn't fucking funny when you almost fucking kill yourself and feel like you'll forever be fucked in the head after going through all that torture, burns on your skin, watching people melt and bubble, and watching people subtract themselves from existence and being told to join them. I want to die after seeing all that shit. it was fucking awful. i want to kill him for putting me through that shit and then making me look like the idiot. fuck you alex I hope you go through the same hell that I went through. I hope you fucking kill yourself.

I have done lot of times LSD, high doses and good quality, I love the chaotic feeling of DXM which I did so many times, I also strongly did Ketamine some time ago... K it's still, to this day, the most powerful drug that made me feel that the trip itself was reality and life and encapsulated me in a fragment of a an infinite time line.

So, yesterday I was given 60mg 2-CE.
I did 10mg some years ago with LSD and it become the most colorful LSD trip of my life. It was awesome.
So thinking about getting a 'colorful trip' during the night with the hope of sleeping to go to work the next day, I did 20mg 2-CE gelcaps.

It took almost like an hour to start. My stomach was empty, except that I did 400mg Tramadol just some hours before. I wasn't planning on doing nor getting 2-CE, but I found it irresistible. Thankfully, I did like 6mg Clonazepam before with the Tramadol. I also did 0,2mg Clonidine. I did wake up that day with a 200mg Modafinil dose to go to my job as usual.

Well, I wasn't expecting something like this at all. It was the most mind blowing trip of my life. I think I enjoyed the the trip pretty well for something so mindfucking to happen.

The trip had a subtle feeling to K, a lot to LSD, and a lot to 'something else' that I never experienced before. The drug potenced the Tramadol to the sky, I was getting an opiate feeling almost as strong as Oxycodone. It's hard to tell, yeah, but it enhanced ^3 the opiate feeling.
And, along with this, I was having the most powerful OEVs of my life (but not CEVs, K still holds the 1st pole in spiritual change and CEVs totally out of control).
What was so awesome to me about 2-CE? that the entire trip if I wanted to 'come back' from a mental loop/hole, I could do it instantly and act pretty ok.

But, and finally, what CHANGED my life with 2-CE, was the mental sharpness during the trip, asking to myself so many questions and answering them SO logically, feeling like I was constructing 'layers of sense' to think the best LOGICAL way for my present and future.

Words alone cannot describe a 2-CE trip. It is really hardcore, and lot of moments during the trip I figured how easily a person can go insane with this.
It wasn't very 'spiritual', it was a constructive trip. I remember during the plateau, how many things I was able to 'decipher' so easily, things that I needed an answer all my life, and 2-CE temporally 'reconstructed' my brain to answer them.
I thought a lot about my job and mentally judged almost all the trip about the life I was doing. After no one knows how many mental loops and layers of answers to prevent about looping the same thought again, I was able to get further and further to the answer, to the core itself.
It was just me being me. Me doing what I loved, failing when I wasn't interested in something, and succeeding when I really wanted something.

The aftereffects/day after felt so marked with the thoughts I had during my trip that I was decided to don't skip my job, even if I was mentally totally calm. I took some Pseudoephedrine and Modafinil to wake me up for work, but it felt like a cup coffee. I was mentally neutral, and all my senses were totally sharp.


I don't know what will happen from now on. I feel like I wake up from a very long dream, and now I'm ready to face anything -if I want to.

I still have 40mg 2-CE which I really don't know what I will do with it. I don't feel like I need to repeat the trip again, at least soon. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, it's like.. you have to respect the drug.

I just want to relax on my bed and sleep now. I'm very tired. I feel neutral. Not happy, but mentally sharp. But I'm so tired.

2-CE gave me all the answers my inner self asked. The neutral feeling it's unique.

I don't have anything more to say.

For all that is wrong with this island:

1) 4 Islamic Insurgencies

2) 3 Communist Insurgencies

3) Soldiers giving gasoline enemas out of glass sodapop bottles

4) Endemic Kidnapping for Ransom

5) Protection Rackets

6) Monthly earthquakes

7) Volcanoes

8) Tsunamis

9) Flooding

10) King cobras

11) Scorpions

12). Crocodiles

13) Ebola

14) Dengue

15) Malaria

16) Drug Resistant TB,

and most any other man made and natural disaster...did I include cannibalistic armies of child soldiers who lop off heads and drink the blood while using kneecaps as sacred medallions...one thing we never had to worry about was Typhoons. Mindanao sits far outside the Typhoon Belt. Joysa's island, Luzon, where Manila is located, literally gets 30 plus each year. Imagine a region of America getting 30 odd hurricanes each year? Remember, such storms come in a three to four month season, so Luzon is getting basically 8 a month. Of course only 7 of the 30 odd storms equal a Class 3 Hurricane but still, that is A LOT.

Here on Mindanao we could at least feel blessed seeing Luzon on the telly. Some readers may recall that less than a month ago Joysa and her family were sitting on their roof and getting food packages (rotten by the way) from Air Force helicopters.

So, we had one reason to feel fortunate. Lo and behold, out of nowhere we got slammed by a major typhoon, moving off now. Since 4PM Friday until now, we have been pounded, even had to go onto generator power for most of the last 20 hours. I had my mobile as always and hardly felt the effects. We live in cement homes, thick brick walls, unlike 95% of the island. The usual home is a bamboo framed, split bamboo floored and Nipa Palm leaf thatched hut, one room. I have posted photos in the past of these "nipa homes."

From 4PM Friday until Saturday morning 8AM, there were 256 known deaths here, meaning at least 1,000 actual deaths in real terms (many here don't even have birth certificates. Every coastal town has stilt homes extending out into reefs offshore, all collapsing like tents when the winds get heavy). In that same time period, 4PM Friday to 8AM Saturday, 16 hours, we had- officially- 180 fucking milimeters of rain. Now forget the winds, 180 mm of water, for you Metrically challenged Americans that is 7.86 inches of rain, coming down hard and fast.

I have spent Monsoon in Munai, in India, and never came close to that number. Anyway, I've included some photos. If you ever feel like your life has gone to shit, take a peek at these photos.

Remembered line from a long forgotten poem.


I can't stop falling in love.

Every feminine graceful nature seeps into my pores like a skyhook and sets its drifters.

2nd Niight at the new old job. Worked with a beautiful mexican woman, fairly good English. 4 years in this country.

Body language is the universal language anyhow.


I've her number. I can't wait until I get paid. In all my 26 years I've never done the typical dance. Getting the number, setting a date, then proceeding from there. It's always been atypical.

I might yet just break this streak. I find a common ground with people who aren't of western origin. More partnership, less dominator style of culture and heritage.

In other news, it's fucking jolly well cold. 22 with the windchill and a 22 minute speedwalk home with only my own cornfed gumption and 24 fluid ounces of 'Four Loko' brand malt beverage to steady my step and keep my pace. I'm now warm and sniffing pregabalin in intervals of 50 mg per half hour, just for the sake of it.

I'm also planning on modding this forum.

Terminally yours,

Scott.

So I actually got a fucking job.

Ran out of hydrocodone yesterday.

Can't get in touch with any of my connections. Perhaps they're dead.

I have my first shift tonight, starting at 10pm-6am. It's just retail but it's that wonderful holiday time of the year. I'm pretty sure I am going to be able to move around so the crazy legs won't come around. I took a muscle relaxer and an NSAID as well as my rx'd benzos and whatever scrapings of oxy were left in my straw. My gf called me a pathetic loser. I just have to get thru tonight. I don't know how bad it will be. Perhaps some of my new coworkers will be friendly and on a similar wavelength as myself, since they're overnight folks... I'd love to get some restaurant work but this is all I have at the moment... School is pretty much over for me. I have to somehow become a fucking useful person by christmas so I can celebrate it with my friends and family (what little I've got) but I really don't see that happening. No matter how much pot I smoke or how much alcohol I drink, my appetite doesn't really return until I can get a hold of some fucking opiates. Sigh. Getting desperate. The last thing I want to be is desperate because I find that desperation is when you get into the most trouble. But we'll see. Maybe I will run into some pill head such as myself at work. It takes one to know one, right? D: I'm feeling somewhere between completely shitty and a zombified mess right now. I have to be out of here in 3 hours so unless some pills or dope falls out of the sky and into my lap, this will be my life for the next 10 or so hours.

Wish me luck... at least I was able to sleep last night, after my 10mgs of hydrocodone sort of wore off... I really hope I don't have to deal with too many customers at the moment. D: People doing last minute Christmas shopping... like, yeah, you really care about your Grandma, waiting for the last possible minute to buy her a gift, right... Oh well. We shall see what happens. If I shit myself, I just won't come back. HAHAHAHA... *cries*

Great song btw thank u kid cudi
Anyway its currently 4 21 am i cant sleep again wish i could call someone but its early and most people i know r in a time zone where its 6 21 sooo doubt they will be up
i seem to have made it a habit to get really wasted and drunk dial people almost nightly
attractive i know... i am lonely... and i dont have access to drugs...probly not the best way of coping but still an improvement by far from miami

Looking forward to experiencing a positive swing and all that it will bring. I just came out of some sticky mud and I'm glad to be free of it.

When one has been angry for a very long time, one gets used to it. And it becomes comfortable, like... like old leather. And finally... becomes so familiar that one can't ever remember feeling any other way.

A continuation...

As Matityahu led the villagers into the hills and canyons of what the West now calls the "West Bank," other villages, hearing of the confrontation, also hid in the wilderness. Some wanted to fight the foreigners, while others wanted to avoid the Greek's revenge that was sure to follow.

One of the villages that did begin fighting back, had its encampment surrounded. Being the Jewish Sabbath (Friday sundown to Saturday sundown), the elders of that village forbade their warriors from fighting on the Sabbath, even if attacked by the Greeks. The Greeks, banking on their knowledge of Jewish practices, chose the Sabbath to launch their assault on the Jewish encampment.

To the last person, including women and children, the entire village was exterminated. Hearing of this, Matityahu preached that it is a sin not to fight the enemies of the Jewish People. Using guerilla warfare, including Sabbath attacks, the "Maccabis" were able to defeat the Greco Sryian occupiers. Upon liberating Jerusalem they found the Temple defiled. As they re-consecrated this one edifice central to the Jewish Faith, they found themselves short of the ritual oil needed to light the ceremonial candelbra, a "menorah" (m'norah) a giant brass candle holder with three candles on either side, and one larger candle in the middle, which is used to light the smaller candles on the sides. Looking all over the Temple complex a single jar of purified ceremonial oil was discovered. Unfortunately, it would only last 24 hours while the manufacture of new oil would take a week.

Lighting the single candle in the middle, the Jews prayed, as some went about preparing the ritual oil. A miracle occurred, that single day's oil lasted a full 8 days, enough time to prepare the new oil. Unfortunately, Matityahu, the leader of the Jewish warriors, died of old age and never saw his country liberated. Dying, he named one son- Shimon (Simon)- as his successor. Shimon and his five brothers then founded the Hasmonean Monarchy, fully restoring Jewish Sovereignity.

The holiday of Channukah is about revenge and honouring one's ancestors and reaping the "miracles" that come from such pious behaviour.

I'm on a coupé cruiser
Dealing my Adderall

Soft secrets are for all
Waitin for times better

Howdy? Fine?

2-FA + MXE + JWH-122 + Moroccan hash, now that's a cool combo for going thru the night in bliss :D

Sleep tight

Yo man, cant figure this shit out. . . I dunno, I like the idea of a blog no one has the slightest idea about. . . I hope people reading my profile can read my blogs. I am a Poet, Musician, Buddhist and general lover of all things Pharmacological. I hope to find friends on here. I've just gotten my Suboxone 'scrip. I plan to take it as prescribed, as I have not in the past and it does nothing but lead to the worst kind of pain/agony. . . I dunno, gonna explore this site some more and hopefully post a few times a week. Time to make my profile more interesting. . . . We dwell inside our Constellation-Cage, stuck here for now, and in a Blind Rage. Constant-Elation. Blind Rage.

Psychotherapy with my first male therapist. It's going decently. It's only been 3 sessions but I kind of look forward to them now. I don't know what's going on really. He talks and then I talk and then he asks me something really fucking difficult and then I cry and all of a sudden it's time to go. He said something about giving me a Rorschach test. Of all the hokey things in the world... a fucking Rorschach test. Oh well. He's so forgetful it probably won't happen anyway. It's such a weird relationship -- therapist and "patient", I guess, is the right word. I don't understand what it's supposed to do for me. I do feel somewhat more "free", I guess, getting some things off of my chest and out into the open... well, as open as a therapist/client relationship is. Ha. His insight into my psyche is kind of scarily right sometimes.

He's mostly okay but I don't like the comments he makes about my weight. I know I'm a fucking cow beast. I know I could stand to lose a few million pounds. But I'm not there for an eating disorder even though that's been one of my issues in the past. Like, I'm not blind... I know I'm fucking fat... Jesus. And then he offered me some cookies?! Ugh, other females reading this would understand. My dad did that a lot. He'd tell me I'm a fat cow and then make lasagna for dinner. What the fuck. Way to send your daughter to bulimia-ville on the fast track. But that is neither here nor there.

I've only slightly mentioned drugs in therapy. I know I have a problem with opiates/opioids. I am physically and mentally addicted to them and when I can't get them, things aren't pretty. There have been consequences in my life due to my use of pills. According to my therapist, I am also supposedly experiencing a "complicated" grieving process because of the fucked up relationship my mother and I had right before she died so suddenly. So I feel like drugs aren't really the problem but rather a symptom of a bigger problem which I obviously don't want to deal with. So I mask it by being high all of the time. If money and legality weren't issues, I feel like using oxycodone daily wouldn't be such a huge deal. I can function on it. I feel like I function better when I am on it, actually.

But I bet most addicts feel that way.

I did mention that I took quite a bit of LSD in high school. That's about it. It's hard to describe what a panic attack feels like to me so I said... "It's like a bad trip". Then he asked if I've had bad trips... and I said I'd had a few. I think most people who've taken LSD have had a bad trip or at least a rough time during a trip. It's the nature of the beast. Or perhaps it's just the LSD Gods punishing me for disrespecting it, I don't know. I do know now that a punk rock concert in Brooklyn is not the place where you want to trip on LSD, though.

He said something about cocaine being less damaging to your mind than "grass" (as he put it) because of the hallucinogenic effects of "grass". I don't know, man, I've never bugged out on marijuana. I mean, maybe when I smoked up after buying a felony amount of drugs and then had to go home on the train smelling like a fucking Phish concert, I've been paranoid, but not psychotic. I sure as hell have had some minor psychoses after a cocaine binge. I've smoked pot almost every day for the past 3 or so years. My lungs and throat are worse for wear but otherwise I feel like if I had a line of cocaine or a bong of weed, the coke would send me "one toke over the line" whereas the pot would make me giggly, hungry and probably sleepy.

Set and setting, set and setting, set and setting!

So I have another job interview tomorrow. I am feeling rather confident about it, though, for some reason. Unlike most other times I've had interviews. I kind of go in feeling like I'm not going to get the job and why am I even wasting my time and blah blah blah... Maybe there's something to having a positive outlook.

Anyway I should probably go wash my hair now. I have to fucking be up and looking peppy in 6 hours. I hope I get this job and I hope it's more than just seasonal because I really fucked up our finances... Gotta pay some bills, man. I also have to pay off some tuition so I can go back to school next semester. I don't think I'll ever be eligible for financial aid again, it seems. But we'll see.