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but i need to avoid something.

i have no idea what's making me sick. i have been sick now for about a week. throat is somewhat sore, and has gotten worse. i'm thinking now it's allergy- the most recent symptoms. i have no fucking clue. laundry detergent? thought about that. i'm allergic to coconut and my one detergent although free and clear is made from coconut oil, and i react to a drop of coconut oil (orally).

the best i felt, recently, was when i didn't shower for two days or so. this would mean i didn't open up my pours, and dry off with a towel that might still have coconut oil residue in it... but i did change clothes (not underwear)... my reaction wasn't as bad. ...

tonight .. i took a shower about a couple of hours ago.. and right now i'm experiencing a bad sore throat on my left side which is consistent with allergic reactions to orally ingested or breathed in particles of food..

but i'm wondering what the cause is. hemp? unlikely. still feel this is highly unlikely. no hemp seed allergies have ever been officially reported. i just changed my detergent. i'm washing all of my clothes with soap nuts- which i also believed at one time to cause a reaction in me. I could use another detergent.. from tide.. i don't believe i react to it even though i know it's made with both corn and coconut oil- both that i'm allergic to.. but i don't or didn't react to it before.. soap nuts? people with multiple chemical sensitivities use these.. i shouldn't be allergic... plus i barely touched them, to put them in the bag and into the laundry. they weren't wet, either. i can touch milk, one of my worst offenders, and not get a reaction most of the time..

but coconut oil.. . is an oil. it gets into the skin, and perhaps some protein residue finds its way in, too.. but this is the worst i've felt.. the worst reaction i have felt.. tonight!

i don't know.

if i could in perfection, i would approach gateway to deconstruction/disassembly/death.



what new tonight? soap nuts... and going through checkout just moments ago .. with a lady that covers herself in make-up and perfume and smells from six feet away. i've suspected perfumes and colognes as a causer of my suffering as well, but i often try to go back on it and say "no it's not that.".. but i don't know.

i wish god would open up a portal and say "game over, if you want."

I'm no fan of this holiday.

This is not meant to offend, quite the contrary, rather just to explain a position subjectively and without emotion. I've no stake in this sentiment.

It's impossible to talk to my mother. I can take her in small doses, as I see her 1-3 hours a day. We have nothing in common, though I love her unconditionally. I fear she doesn't have the capacity to see this. She projects and represses. She's been doing it all of her life and it stems from my maternal grandparents who are miserly evil fucks. Twice a year we have to go to their giant house lavishly outfitted and redecorated with the most useless expensive shit.

I'm by no means jealous, but we live in poverty. We've always lived in poverty. I find this situation a tad disconcerting. The greatest offense is that they are a loveless couple of people. Unfortunately, my mother naturally shares some of those characteristics, although she is capable of real love and empathy. She's partly responsible for my courteous and chivalrous demeanor.

To top it off, 3 years ago over some drinks (my mom's a functional alcoholic, 2-6 beers a night most nights; as was I at the time) she admitted to me that she never loved my father. She essentially brought me into this strange situation (life on earth in this foul year) for her own benefit to detract from the fact she never loved my father. She's very defensive and combative and on top of that shows no discernable guilt over this very major thing. They were married ten years, my father was what you would call an eccentric deadbeat, manic depressive with delusions of grandeur. I no longer speak with him as his treatment of my mother, sister, and myself led to a complex anxiety disorder which has made it inexorably hard to function in real life without medicines and doctors costing insane amounts of money as inflation has caused this rotten community of ours to live in poverty (well, at least 26% of us by my current count).

I'm often treated as a person with a 'problem'... To be continued.


_


14:48:53 12/25/11

This was thrice as long and more in depth originally but I lost the page and auto-save only saves a portion of one's writing I'm finding out. I don't have the emotional strength to salvage the remnants of this beast from my waning and exhausted mental faculty.

I've not the resolve to finsish it this moment, although I'm about to attend a dinner at my grandparents house which I'm usuing to my advantage as a sociological experiment. That and the free booze and food.

My mother initially lied to them and said I had "work" that day. She didn't want me there because she inwardly hates her parents ridiculously pompous and otherworldly odd behavior towards their children/grandchildren. It's an anomaly. Loveless beyond measure. I aim to measure it fully equipped with dictaphone and various forms of surveillance equipment.

I wish to write an essay or in the very least a long and admittedly weird screed on these creatrues, if only to understand their habits and come to grips with this strange part of my 'family' life. Keep in mind I see these people twice a year, they have all the money in the fucking world, are loveless cultureless vultures, and contribute heavily to my mothers own mental issues; of which she denys and seeks no help.

I have 3 family members and we're separated by these two stone pillars of emphatically bereft manifestations. Mom, Sis, and Aunt R.

I'll add more to this when I have a clearer head as I've been having strong emotional disputes with mother yesterday and a bit today as she's been drinking quite a bit. Not knock-down drunk, mind you, as tolerance runs in our families blood. I can drink 7 drinks in 20 minutes, brush my teeth and go to work unbeknownst to my superiors if I so chose (though I stopped drinking in that fashion since getting back on meds. I drink twice a week, maybe. That would be FREQUENT for me.) If marijuana were available to me I'd be using this instead, but alas, inflation makes it a bit expensive and I'm officially broke until tomorrow.

To be continued, still once I get some of this on tape. You wouldn't believe the behavior if you heard it, you just very well may depending on my mood. I've no qualms with adjusting this piece with an addendum and recording in MP3 format.

What the hell, everything, and I mean it, everything is closed because of Christmas. I'm an agnostic so it's not my holiday. Why are there no buses and no underground? This is sick. It's worse than in Poland. You can get a bus once an hour at least and here you can starve to death because it's fucking Christmas. Fucking stupid...

I swear to god when I get away from here on Monday I am going to disappear for good. even my own family don't understand me. It's like I talk and they hear someone else talking. There is no way they will ever love me and the sooner I am gone the better. I see no point for my existence any more.

The lovely Dr. and 'father' of modern psychoanalytic theory said that, and it's a tried and true, however harsh and ugly fact that always struck me being quite true.

As you may have already realized, any asshole with either an elementary education or a good generation on this strange planet of ours could figure this one out, so I'm by no means stroking this arbitrary intellectuals ego by relating it to my own intellectual path.

No, just an arbitrary rumination on the state of things as they appear to me full of the essential and necessary chemicals needed to face this grim, opportunistic, isolated, and above-all materialistically technological ordeal of an incubus we all face regardless of race, social status, or ideology.

I've been listening a great deal to the audio lectures of the late Allan Watts as of late, and it's been a marvelous turning point in the spectrum I've been grappling with for years. From grim nihlism at the one polar extreme, to absolute satori (buddha nature) at the other, he's made of mine a once inexorable existence to a palatable one, although not ideal quite yet as I've still a lot to absorb and experience.

Starting with writing, as well as learning to draw and paint, landing a decent job despite the burden of taking a 50 percent decrease in wages on account of this mindless conditional discharge hanging over my head (expiring in 6 months; but even then I'm unsure of whether I'll be eligible to work in healthcare ever again. Horrible nightmarish position yet rewarding in certain ways beyond the payrate (16-18/h); but that's an essay for a different time), and trying to give my all to my new position on the staff here, I think I've gone from a state of catatonic anhedonia and despair, surfaced from the depths of a 2-week long benzodiazapine withdrawal cold turkey like a anchor sent from an angel into the quicksand of that ugly, vicious thing.

Hot damn, that was one bastard of a run-on sentence. I've often admired the skill that goes into a TRUE run-on, much to the dismay of every literary educational authority I've come across. They fail to see the outright beauty and skill required to make the thing work, and for this I pity them. They are fools with no resolve and sure as hell no money, otherwise they'd be better fit to actually arm the youth of this nation (states) with the knowledge ACTUALLY required to survive once released from the peaceful and harmless womb of public school, ideally without duping them into pursueing meaningless and exorbitantly expensive degrees, bogging them down in debt for the rest of their natural lives, and, if they decide on procreation, the rest of their childrens lives as well (if I understand the credit laws correctly, and I believe I do).

These tangents are whimsical and fun, but a digression nonetheless. I'd apologize, but I reserve that admonition these days. Too many apologies can chip away at a man, and I've been hacked up and over far too many times to give any more of myself away for flighty reasons. The same goes with respect, now that I think of it.

So.. What's the point you ask? Nothing in particular today. Just random gibberish. Stream-of-consciousness prattle, but with, I feel, a gradient pure and elegant streak in the prose.

No conclusions today. Sorry kids, if you want answers, either cross your fingers, stare at the stars until your eyes bleed epiphanies, or sit cross-legged with a snoot-full of the 4-substituted tryptamine of your choosing.

I've no quarter to ask, and none to give.

Thou

To all my Australian, Russian, Asia, Middle Eastern, and everyone else....

Merry Christmas!!

Watching Norad Tracks Santa....things you do when bored and have kids HAHA!!


Everyone stay safe and have some cheer this year! :D

Well, tonight it's 23 December of 2011. This year was a real roller coaster, almost all the economies of the world collapsed, nuclear meltdowns and budget standoffs, crumbling dictators and riot everywhere — not to mention a couple devastating storms and the fall of the foundation of physics. The only thing for certain about 2011 was chaos. And my life was just as worse -- some weeks ago.
In September I lost my six years old job, but a week and half ago I got a new one in a cool enterprise that moves a lot of money... it took me only 7 days of work to show my coworkers and even to my boss what I was able to do, how much I knew, and how strong was my will.
But 2 weeks ago I was nothing, I was contemplating suicide, I had no money, no food, a little of drugs (I am a benzo-opiate addict).

The change of my ego was thanks to several things. I won't go into detail about this, at least now.
That's why tonight I want to celebrate, feel good, and also disassemble and reassemble my perception of things. Deconstruct and reconstruct what we call 'reality'.

8pm - I just came from work. I feel happy and the weather it's chill at last. The set & setting probably couldn't be better. I am prepared to listen to music, play videogames, watch anime and movies.

I did:

• 100mg DXM
• 120mg Codeine
• 10mg Memantine
• 10mg 2-CE
• Everything taken with Gatorade and Pepsi

9pm- BL just went 'server too busy', everyone must be tripping right now lol.
I feel opiated and a little nauseaus, but everything it's going pretty well. I'm playing Infamous 2 while downloading the Sonic CD demo which I will probably buy through PSN (I'm a Sonic fan lol).

9.50pm- I just finished Infamous 2 on evil. I feel veery euphoric, very opiated, chaotic like, yet still there are few CEVs (but 'that feeling' in my stomach of something very weird coming).... I'm not taking any benzo for now.

10.05pm- I still feel nauseus. It's not bothering me, but it's strange for me to be nausaus for so long. Anyway, I want more OEVs, so doing more DXM (and 1mg Clonazepam just to prevent seizures).

10.20pm- watching anime lying in bed I am hugely smiling and feeling both the opiate pleasure and tension of phenethylamines. Whatever, I'm feeling wonderful.

10.40pm- I can feel the 2-CE inside me. Add the DXM and the Codeine (and whatever the Memantine does), and you get 2 very intense feelings of pleasure, and right now, they feel like totally different, and both can be enjoyed. This is awesome. I don't want this to never end. (literally)

11.10pm- I'm feeling extreeeeeemly happy, it's like I'm having the time of my life in my brain. The OEVs are beginning now, and my body temperature it's hot. I am veeery tempted to do 10mg more 2-CE, but instead of that, I will do more DXM. I think I know why I'm doing it.
Btw, I'm watching anime, Bakemonogatari specifically. Dark in my room, tripping hard, Blueray quality.
Keep it coming please. Doing more DXM (~250mg all included).

11.43pm- Well, I'm taking 10mg 2C-E more. I don't know the next time I'll have an opportunity like this, doing Codeine, DXM, Memantine, and 2-CE, all at once. There. 20mg 2C-E orally gelcaps taken counting the both gelcaps. The first one 4 hours ago, the second one, another hour ago. This will be a long night. Let us enjoy our chaotic reign. (what?)

12-13am- Time dilatation it's strong. I think the DXM it's blocking the 2C-E effects. I just realized that, because I'm not having strong CEVs. But It's very probable time will tell. Still feeling very opiated so I'm gonna... listen to some music.

1am- listened to music. Took a shower. realised a lot of stuff. I realised I'm Chaotic neutral by nature. I must be tripping hard lol. But it's good to realise that stuff. Also taking another 1mg Clonazepam because it won't "STOP" the trip and will probably help out. I know why I'm taking it.

1.20am- Watching The_Girl_Who_Leapt_Through_Time, feeling a loooot more the 2C-E now (maybe it was the bath? the time? the benzo? who will ever know?) I have realized my true nature is Lawful Chaotic, and that, it's not possible, because after all D&D's Alignment... wait... if I'm chaotic lawful... my life can't be measured by some game's alignment. And that makes sense. It just doesn't that I'm realising my life is chaotic lawful. Well, me, brain, people, let's get over it. Let's keep watching the damn movie.

2am- While watching the movie, the 2C-E it's finally showing up OEVs and strong sensation.

2.10am- Time is moving soooooooooooo slowly. I'm feeling wise.

3am- Finished watching The_Girl_Who_Leapt_Through_Time_(2006)_[720p,BluRay,x264]_-_THORA. Not only watching the movie itself was very enjoyable, but also strongly getting the character faces, the emotions, the paints, the sunset, the flow of time, the meaning of reasources.... EVERYTHING. Just lol.

5.35am- Well, I'm still high, but already taking some benzos and Clonidine to come down without hurry and feeling very good opiate like. I spent most of the night watching the best anime of this year (Madoka/Steins;Gate pretty much for me). It was very enjoyful both the art of Madoka and the complexity of the story of Steins;Gate. Also, I have noticed everything I watched tonight it's related to time travel in some form, being magical or scientific. This trip is probably finishing. I loved so much these last hours. I'm happy and proud-- yet, the neutral mental feeling of 2-CE it's present again. And I respect it.

6pm(the next day)- I slept a lot. And I can still see the improved visual and audio detail that left the 2-CE. I also don't feel any pain at all (at all) probably because of the mixture of opiates. Yesterday was a super fun night, and it's exactly what I wanted. The most special feeling about this were the extreme time dilatation. At some point 10 minutes feel like an hours.
I just won't do this combo again because of the slow absorption of the drugs (the DXM in particular, it slows every drug taken orally even more).

Next stop: 2-C-T-7. Merry christmas guys.

Because I really, really want to get high.

I smoked some pot last night and lamented that to my girlfriend, over and over. She was telling me all of our problems, how all of our bills are late and how I need to sell my iPad so we can make ends meet and I just laughed at her because she told me she paid the cable bill instead of the electric bill. Every good poor person knows to pay the electric bill first -- because, either way, you're going to lose the cable... Duh! If you have no electricity, how is cable useful to you? I could walk around with my iPad in the dark... stealing wifi from the neighbors. Charging my shit in the hallway when the stupid neighbors aren't peeking through their peepholes. Hahaha.

And then we had a discussion about how different our childhoods were. Hers, limited and controlled and mine... well, my parents basically left me to my own devices pretty much. Hell, they let me start commuting to school on the subway when I was 11. I was Daddy's little girl until his Parkinson's Disease manifested itself when I was 12 or so. And we had a really good conversation. She's quitting smoking, which is her vice. So I guess I was being irritating and she kind of unloaded on me. I wanted to cry, to hug her and tell her it would be okay, that we'd find a way -- we always find a way -- that I will make things right.

And then I just wanted to hurt myself for being so selfish. For putting her and my brother in such a predicament. We're coming up to our 5th anniversary and all I have to show for it is this stupid addiction and self loathing and hatred for life...

And I just wanted some damn pills so bad.

And it's not even because I need it as I am over the acute withdrawal phase. I'm even getting an appetite and my body is regulating its temperature on its own. My eyes aren't tearing, I'm not yawning, I slept the entire night, I didn't wake up feeling like death warmed over, I'm not constipated, I don't have to figure out where I'm going to get nonexistent money from, I don't have to make that trip to see my connect, I don't have to pretend that I give a shit about anything he says, my legs aren't twitching and aching, I don't need to do anything to make my existence more physically comfortable. These are all good, normal things.

And yet, I feel like if a bottle of oxy fell from the sky, I'd be like a fat guy at a buffet -- going until I explode, knowing the consequences, knowing the withdrawal symptoms, knowing...

I also feel a bit gung-ho about it because I feel like, wow, I made it a week without drugs. I can do it again. And again. I got through it. But it's sort of a period of forced sobriety where I have neither the funds nor connections to obtain my DOC. Nor do I feel comfortable enough to say "fuck it" and take money from my girlfriend or brother or dogs... I should just chill the fuck out at the moment and get some decent pot to enjoy before bed. That used to be my routine.

So why not start the cycle over again? After my rent is paid, the case is closed, I find another job... I want to go on another run. I almost picked up the needle when I was 17 to start shooting cocaine. But I got caught by a Dean at my school who then called the cops and got me arrested. That scared the shit out of me and even shook my parents enough to... ignore me some more. You know, except to pick me up from the police station. My dad and little brother took a cab all the way to Manhattan to see me at the police precinct by my high school and then abruptly left... I guess my dad had to see it for himself, otherwise he wouldn't have believed it. Then I got my shoelaces, ate a tuna sandwich my mother bought me and FINALLY PEED MY BLADDER OUT from sitting handcuffed to a pole for 8 hours, coming down off of cocaine and hating my life. But also re-evaluating my life. I was 17 and I thought my life was over. Drug charges don't bode well with Federal Financial Aid, but luckily I was tried as a Youthful Offender and it's as if it never happened...

I thank [my higher power] that I didn't start with the needle. I'm 25 now... finishing my love affair with prescription opioids or starting a new one with heroin?

If I really wanted to I'm sure I could find some drugs, somewhere. I do live in the fucking greatest city in the world.

Back when I was in high school, I had a shirt that said "Trouble Finds Me" ... which I feel was true. Somehow... it always did find me. But I also welcomed it with open arms (and nostrils) and lungs and however else I could get a substance into my gullet...

Fucking hell. I've just overthought myself into a funk... And I was feeling pretty good too.

Its been years since I first came across the idea.

I was high as a kite, drunk staring into the mirror. There it was the Sonicare. It was recharging in its home cradle. I must have stared at it for about 20 minutes before taking it out and rubbing it on my cheek. Feeling for static, warmth or anything. I placed it back into the charging position. Then continued to pull half way out watching when it would stop charging and at what point it would continue the charge. Without a metal connection, with water, and without. It still charged seamlessly.

Imagine this in a mass scale such as in the walls of the house. Allowing any device to have power. Setting a frequency range would allow ONLY devices in your frequency to carry the power. Disallowing your neighbors stealing your electric with they're wireless power devices.

With the same technology we can allow devices to fly/float seamlessly, and be powered at the same time.

Well for a number of years swim had been smoking the gel from fetanyl patches when they were still common in swims area. It occurred to him that the gel would be similar to a crushed up Oxycontin or morphine contin pill, (coating dissolved first) and a small drop of water added after making a spoon shaped object out of tinfoil. Swim noticed to make walls on the foil so the pastey mixture wont drip around. Mix thoughtouly, then place a flame about 4 inches from the bottom of swiy's spoon and use a money bill to inhale the smoke. At first it will sizzle and boil, but then swiy's will be left with a brown to black residue on the foil that's smoke should be held in and it will leave swiy in a good fade. Only a lines worth will do the trick just to try it out, but of course an 80 mg. oxycontin wont hurt either, if you know what youre doing. This can be done with heroin and powder cocaine as well. One more thing, NEVER ADD TOO MUCH WATER! Now enjoy folks, this is smoking, not the chemical altering also known as freebasing.

1 fucking month wasted. 400 fucking pounds wasted. Nobody helped me out to be able to get insurance, to be able to open an account in this big city. I can't register anywhere with the address I live because there are some benefits given so if I said somewhere I live here, all the benefits would be taken away. Shit... I've been waiting. "I will talk to friends, they'll get you an address", then it was like "talk to X so X talks with X's friends".

Damn, I've got the address after 1 month when I couldn't work so I couldn't earn any money and it's so expensive to live in London when you don't get any money, otherwise one day of work and you can go to a restaurant or a pub and eat something and still you definitely won't spend all your money. You can go clubbing like every day or every 2 day no problem. You can smoke good marihuana (although I've seen some bad shit here I had never seen before, one looked like tea 10Ł/3 grams, some very dry brownish red stuff probably mixed with some herbs 10Ł/1 gram, but I passed guys with these you and eventually found weed, 10Ł/1 gram, that got me blasted totally after one pipe). You can drink beer, wine, you can go and have fun whenever you want, there's no such a thing like worrying about money. You just have to be paid a very little sum of 60Ł / day and damn, you may even get 250Ł / day, aight? For me it was expensive to pay 4 pounds for Guinness but I just love everything Irish and they've got good beers, those stouts.

But hey, even though I started liking the London way of living and all the things, I saw that I still didn't have job and it's not like they will take an analyst to a lab (fuck, I didn't know that, I thought being a chemist means something...). So I looked up my Polish account, made a deposit to book a ticket (of course I must have done that from the Polish account because I couldn't get one in London, a very nice lady with Hindi surname told me "I appreciate you are here and that you've chosen our bank but I cannot activate an account for you because you live in a different place so you have to visit a branch where you live". Kiss my ass. Of course I said "thank you", I know it's bank's policy but then again it was enough to have talked to another guy who is Polish and he helps but I didn't know at what hours he works. They didn't tell. Oh, I had to go around the whole city to know London all by myself and eventually know the city so I know where to go when I get off at Piccadilly Circus for instance.

And shit, today is Christmas Eve. In my culture there's a dinner eaten in the evening and there's no meat there. I'm not a Catholic but nobody understands I don't want to celebrate something I definitely totally don't feel is real. Some tolerance would be nice. So anyway I have to go to this dinner in like 2 hrs... And food is awful - fish, stewed dish made of sauerkraut and/or fresh cabbage and mushrooms, borsch... When I was still in Poland and my grandma was younger she always made something like pies but not really sweet, I guess it was the only thing I like to eat.

To cut the long story short, I've got a ticket booked, I don't need anyone's mercy. Too bad I can't spend this Christmas at home but I will be there before the New Year's Eve!

A few nights ago I broke my arm and was prescribed 5/500 hydrocodone/apap. I can see why it's hard to get off them, everything just felt amazing as fuck and I was happy... Had my girl hide them somewhere since my arm doesnt hurt anymore and I'd probably OD if she hadn't.

Can't imagine heroin.

It's the cruelest joke to play
I'm so high, I run in place
Only a line, we separate, so...

I keep on playing our favorite song
I turn it up while you're gone
It's all I got when you're in my head and you're in my head so I need it

You're the only thing I've got that I can't seem to get enough
We collide for one embrace, so...

Hurry up & wait forever
Hurry up & wait for forever

I need it...
I need it now.

The doctor filled my valium prescriptions again. But she wants me to go back in before she will give me any more. I swear I will crack up if she stops them. I can't cope with life. I can't take the shit I am getting at work and I can't handle the loneliness at home. I just want to feel ok. I am so afraid. And I can't tell anyone. I can't take off the mask. What the fuck is happening to me? I am so afraid. I just want to be ok.

I think I've safely ascertained that I'm anonymous here, well, as anonymous as one can be online.

So I'll be honest.

I can't take anymore. I can't keep going. I'm so fucking tired of living. I'm such a wimp that I know I won't end my own life but I can feel any passion for life draining out of me like blood seeping from a severed artery.

I have a shit job. I have a shit body. A shit face. A shit personality. I am grotesque. Everything that I ever loved leaves me and it's because I alienate people from me.

I have never had, and never will have anything to offer the world. I'm unloveable. I've been so fucking lonely for so long because my personality defects mean people don't tend to stick around very long.

On one hand I'm saying that I just want someone to help me. But on the other hand I'm saying I just don't care anymore. I'm so fucking lonely. I have to shut off any emotion or I'll end up in a fucking mental institution.

I'm being driven crazy by the world and by my own head and I don't know how to make it stop.

I don't know ANYTHING anymore.

I recognize this feeling. I've had minor occurrences of it since I got clean but this is much bigger.

Fucking depression.

I won't let it get me again.

I'm doing all the right things (I think) but I still feel like I'll never be good enough and its affecting my life.

Just going to ride it out and make every attempt to cause as little harm as possible (to myself and others).

Fuck it. I'm bigger than this negativity. I'm better than what I think I am.

There's just so fucking much work to do in the area of progress that its fucking overwhelming.

Again... fuck it. Things will work out in the end

Yes, I'm a weirdo but I miss my pets so much they're growing older and I can't be with them. I remember raising the two kittens from when they're two weeks old and now they've grown so much. I also miss my other pets and my black labrador puppy I wish transitional housing would allow pets or we could move out quicker. Right now two of the pets are in a boarding place and the rest are at friends.... I wish they were with me instead. I love my pets more than I love humans. I so care about animals more than anything. Lol I've been so sad I've tried to catch stray cats twice but they ranaway from me. One night was when high!! The other time well, I was sober >.< Ugh I miss them tons and I want them with me... I don't care if I have to live in a box, if I had all my pets I would be happy.

I haven't written a blog in awhile mainly due to the fact I have no time or maybe I do and I just like to pretend I do. Anyways my mother and I no longer live in a shelter but now their transitional housing program for women and children who got out of domestic violence situations. Its a big three bedroom apartment which sucks because the one bedroom is empty due to the fact my sister had to go back up to CT to live with my father after the whole eviction thing ): I miss her so much but at least she can finish her senior year without all this drama. Other than that this apartment may be nice and all but living here is hell. So many rules, they treat us like we're dumb, do random inspections all the fucking time! And also they stomp on all of our rights. This is suppose to be a program that helps abused women but they treat us just as bad if not worse than the person we got away from. So because of this I decided to get a job to help get my mother and I out of here. We're just going insane being here... The thing is my mother is still unemployed and my job is giving me fucking shit hours so because of this we're still currently stuck here. I don't know how much longer I can take it though. These people get under your skin... They treat you like you're incompetent, even making every women here go grocery shopping with them because they think we can't do it on our own. I swear to god I'm going to flip shit sooner or later even though I'm trying not to.

Should I get a second job and stay in this shit hole? Then go to school in the fall like I was suppose to this year... Yeah, PSU I unenrolled good job on my part! Not sure if that should be sarcastic or not...maybe I did fuck up. Should I get back into the swing of hating life and sitting in classes when I rather be somewhere else? Or should I explore the world and live life until I'm ready to conform? Right now I don't really have anything that's keeping me where I am. Well I do have this one person maybe a few but in the end I just want to live my life far away from here.

It feels like 6 months.

I don't really know how I am going to get through these next few weeks.

Maybe I will just stick to marijuana. Get stupid, sleepy, hungry, giggly.

Really, what's the point in spending such and such $$$ on oxycodone if I'm just going to be fiending once again when I use what I intended as a week's supply in a matter of 2 or 3 days? Why am I so angry and raging at everyone who doesn't deserve it? Why am I so tired if all I do is sleep?

I have 3 giant bags of laundry to do in addition to my bed linens and comforter... I don't even know if I have the $20 dollars to spare to do laundry. I'm so filthy I don't even feel human. I'm so cold also. My neck is killing me. Apparently having cysts in your neck is not a big deal. I really dislike Indian doctors. I'm sorry, I don't know what it is, but I always feel dismissed by them. Perhaps it's a cultural thing. Perhaps they see people who are not Indian as lab rats and guinea pigs. Perhaps I just have come across a couple of shitty doctors who all happened to be Indian which causes confirmation bias.

My grades haven't come in yet. I'm slightly worried about my film class. Perhaps the Professor will feel generous this holiday season and throw me a C out of the pure kindness of his heart. Ha, ha.

I have enough Wellbutrin and Cymbalta in my closet to kill an elephant. Perhaps I should take it. Not all of it... just as it was intended. I never liked the feeling of antidepressants. The one I really, gung-ho tried was Paxil. I slept all day and puked practically everything I ate. It wasn't pretty. Like, I vomited in my plate at Denny's. It could have just been the Denny's but it was happening all the time. I didn't really care though.

Paroxetine works on the serotonin receptors whereas Wellbutrin, I believe, works on the dopamine receptors. I don't know what the fuck Cymbalta does. I'm just pretty scared about the whole antidepressant thing. What the fuck will it do to me this time? At least I know what recreational drugs *DO* ... Gah, I don't want to start ranting for fear I may not stop...

Anyway, the only thing I'm looking forward to is a WWE Wrestling event I'm going to on the 27th. That was our big Xmas gift -- floor seats, bitches! I remember watching it when I was a kid with my dad. Back during the Monday Night Wars between WWF and WCW. I just got back into WWE over the summer. I was like... dude, I need a hobby. Oh, I know, I will watch hot sweaty men in tights throw each other around! That was always fun! Yay Xmas. :D

Although, considering the fact that I'm Jewish, all this Christmas hoopla has always been meshuggah to me. Not that I celebrate Chanukah either. There's not really much I care about. I'm too empathetic and I can't handle it right now. I have to take care of myself.

I'm supposed to go to a friend's house to celebrate Christmas and bring food and alcohol and pot but I don't have any fucking money and she's just going to bitch at me if I don't go but my brother and girlfriend don't want to go so... what the fuck do I do? I think the most logical thing would be to tell her I can't make it. She's like, "Bring shrimp, bring this, bring that" and I'm like, If you haven't noticed I'm fucking broke and can't afford to feed someone else's family, you thick bitch... I'm in the middle of trying to avoid an eviction, not trying to feed you shrimp... Jesus fuck, she's probably the stupidest and most selfish person on Earth but she's utterly clueless about it... Or so she acts. Leeches, all of them...

Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it.

I really think I'm going to try an NA meeting... try to suspend my disbelief long enough to possibly get something out of it. But I don't know. I need to find another job, though. That's for sure... Fucking stupid ass store... I don't need to deal with that. Let's see if I even get my paycheck for the 2 nights I worked. So pathetic. I couldn't even hack it. It was depressing as fuck. At least I didn't shit my pants! 8)

Anyway. Time to try and eat dinner... without getting nauseous.

HOW DO PEOPLE EAT AFTER USING OPIATES?? I feel like my stomach isn't the same.

Miserable. Sober. Lonely. Trapped. Don't want to celebrate Christmas, don't want to celebrate anything. Need to shower. I'm freezing cold. I haven't really eaten in a few days. Just a meal or two, nothing serious.

I've been entertaining thoughts in my mind. Of running away. Of going to NA and trying to get better. Of going up to random, dangerous looking people asking them for heroin. Do I want to take that leap from oxycodone to heroin? When everything has been so shitty as it is...

Hell, I'd be happy with a 120# 10/325 Percocet prescription per month. Why is it so hard, so taboo?

I need to find a new job now. Sigh. What the fuck is wrong with me? I let everyone down and always complete my self-fulfilling prophecies of doom... What the fucking fuck?

Fucking just kill me now. Get it over with. I don't want to kill myself because I don't want to go to hell. Is that weird? But I think my brother and girlfriend would be better off without me. I'm just a burden...

Maybe I should tell my therapist that. Check myself into the damn mental hospital. Everyone else got a chance to go, right? Why can't I get a little vacation from myself? Schools over... Two months of oohing going on. Then I get to see what the fuck will happen...

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I don't want to die but I don't want to live...

This isn't one of those cries for attention, either. This is my sober mind talking. I miss my mother, I miss my father and everyone else in my life only wants something from me, except for my brother and girlfriend who I keep disappointing. And my dogs. I love my dogs.

But they'll all be taken care of and it's just a matter of time really...

First of all, do not ever sniff a high dose of 2-CI, although the trip MAYBE worth the pain.. try not to do it. In fact, DO NOT DO IT at all lol.

Well, I snorted (and even very bad measured) 30-35mg of 2-CI. It fell like the the entire universe going through my nose, then my brain, I was tripping very intense and the pain was the same. I was really worried. Thankfully to my experience in handle "these things" in "these events" I cleaned my nose with water, if you know what I mean. Keep in mind I was tripping 30-35mg of 2-CI at the time, so... lol.

After that I came down with 2mg Clonazepam that NOT LITERALLY melted in mouth, and some Lyrica. The Lyrica helped to ease my pain too. I love Pregabalin. In any case-

I'm feeling very happy with this stuff right now, while some days ago 2-CE gave a mental shake, this drug (and even in high amounts) gave me a pretty good ego and sharpened my intellectual side even more. But at this point it wasn't and I don't think it will be as a high dose of LSD or 2-CE.

Playing Touhou (a bullet hell shooter very music and logically based) was awesome. I made it to a strong boss playing even with the most difficult character. Very cool. And lol'ing all the time about how awesome was my performance playing and even thinking about my job at the same time.

I feel (this is obviously subjective) that the lack of "inmense mental change" that lacks 2-CI, boost a lot all the senses. It's obviously difficult to explain, but gives a even higher 'amperage' of everything. Specially music, and that's why I used the word "amperage".
I feel like watching anime or House...

OK, this is getting a little more interesting, watching House MD S8E1 (House in prison) I understood absolutely every detail of the chapter, I could enjoy it and even criticize some minimal things about it (House MD has few details missing giving how awesome and complex the show is), so, it was, cool.
But I was suddenly lying in bed feeling opiated like. And I was out of Tramadol, or Codeine. It has to be the 120mg of Lyrica I have taken some hours ago with the phenethylamine (I'm rounding everything just to justify the point that I having a mental edge and feeling opiate like at the same time - without opiates or opioids, it's, too awesome, so I'm trying to figure it out... does this make sense?)

I feeling sleepy but extremely aroused about all my senses, so I don't wan't to sleep. I wish I would have some Codeine or Tramadol right now.. Lyrica will do it, but it I have to take all I have of it... and Modafinil and some pfed... the point is... it's soon to sleep, I want to keep realizing stuff with my senses so extended... I don't know.... I'm not visually nor mentally tripping hard right now, but I just don't want to 'let it be'...
and the point it's almost christmas and the end of the year gives a feeling of 'enjoy what you have given to the max because you worth it, and you have suffered, suffer and will suffer so much psychological and physical pain, that you deserve it. The year ends, a whole new world awaits (and if not, the ethereal existence), keep pushing it, because after all, the point it's to found some truth in something, your life or the whole universe, it doesn't matter as long it's THE TRUTH about it'.
Wow, I can't believe I wrote that. 1 AM right now.

Well, it's 1.31 AM right now, the last 4 hours felt like the twice. I'm reading my mail and even answering some job problems, but in the good sense, I'm very very sharp- but tired.

I will go to sleep while listening to Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds and see what happens. I'm still hesitant about sleeping but for some reason I don't want to take more Lyrica, Modafinil or Pfed. Posting this because I don't know if I'll fall asleep and the trip will end.

So far, overall, 2-CI it's, like most phenethylamines, very stimulating and sharpness all your senses delightfully, but it doesn't "break walls", at least with my record with psychodelics.

Peace (or talk later [with myself lol]).

Thank you bluelight, and all you little bluelight munchkins. My addiction left me lonely and lost all alone towards the long and torturous end of it; but you all have been just another one of those things that come into the vision of newly opened eyes-when climbing out of the hopeless hole. Not that everyone does or eventually will feel this way from using, but I did, and am glad there is such a spot with so many nooks and crannies of info, and experiences that are shared. My main point was to throw a thanks out there to everyone!!

Preparations for our final piece for the term at uni...We had a project on the South Bank which I personally find to be the most horrible place in London. I tried to merge common sights and scenes into some sort of homogenous collage that sums up the place in one view. This was not intended to glorify the South Bank in any way, more to present it for what it is: A confused mess of buskers, businessmen and sick pigeons.