Psychotherapy with my first male therapist. It's going decently. It's only been 3 sessions but I kind of look forward to them now. I don't know what's going on really. He talks and then I talk and then he asks me something really fucking difficult and then I cry and all of a sudden it's time to go. He said something about giving me a Rorschach test. Of all the hokey things in the world... a fucking Rorschach test. Oh well. He's so forgetful it probably won't happen anyway. It's such a weird relationship -- therapist and "patient", I guess, is the right word. I don't understand what it's supposed to do for me. I do feel somewhat more "free", I guess, getting some things off of my chest and out into the open... well, as open as a therapist/client relationship is. Ha. His insight into my psyche is kind of scarily right sometimes.
He's mostly okay but I don't like the comments he makes about my weight. I know I'm a fucking cow beast. I know I could stand to lose a few million pounds. But I'm not there for an eating disorder even though that's been one of my issues in the past. Like, I'm not blind... I know I'm fucking fat... Jesus. And then he offered me some cookies?! Ugh, other females reading this would understand. My dad did that a lot. He'd tell me I'm a fat cow and then make lasagna for dinner. What the fuck. Way to send your daughter to bulimia-ville on the fast track. But that is neither here nor there.
I've only slightly mentioned drugs in therapy. I know I have a problem with opiates/opioids. I am physically and mentally addicted to them and when I can't get them, things aren't pretty. There have been consequences in my life due to my use of pills. According to my therapist, I am also supposedly experiencing a "complicated" grieving process because of the fucked up relationship my mother and I had right before she died so suddenly. So I feel like drugs aren't really the problem but rather a symptom of a bigger problem which I obviously don't want to deal with. So I mask it by being high all of the time. If money and legality weren't issues, I feel like using oxycodone daily wouldn't be such a huge deal. I can function on it. I feel like I function better when I am on it, actually.
But I bet most addicts feel that way.
I did mention that I took quite a bit of LSD in high school. That's about it. It's hard to describe what a panic attack feels like to me so I said... "It's like a bad trip". Then he asked if I've had bad trips... and I said I'd had a few. I think most people who've taken LSD have had a bad trip or at least a rough time during a trip. It's the nature of the beast. Or perhaps it's just the LSD Gods punishing me for disrespecting it, I don't know. I do know now that a punk rock concert in Brooklyn is not the place where you want to trip on LSD, though.
He said something about cocaine being less damaging to your mind than "grass" (as he put it) because of the hallucinogenic effects of "grass". I don't know, man, I've never bugged out on marijuana. I mean, maybe when I smoked up after buying a felony amount of drugs and then had to go home on the train smelling like a fucking Phish concert, I've been paranoid, but not psychotic. I sure as hell have had some minor psychoses after a cocaine binge. I've smoked pot almost every day for the past 3 or so years. My lungs and throat are worse for wear but otherwise I feel like if I had a line of cocaine or a bong of weed, the coke would send me "one toke over the line" whereas the pot would make me giggly, hungry and probably sleepy.
Set and setting, set and setting, set and setting!
So I have another job interview tomorrow. I am feeling rather confident about it, though, for some reason. Unlike most other times I've had interviews. I kind of go in feeling like I'm not going to get the job and why am I even wasting my time and blah blah blah... Maybe there's something to having a positive outlook.
Anyway I should probably go wash my hair now. I have to fucking be up and looking peppy in 6 hours. I hope I get this job and I hope it's more than just seasonal because I really fucked up our finances... Gotta pay some bills, man. I also have to pay off some tuition so I can go back to school next semester. I don't think I'll ever be eligible for financial aid again, it seems. But we'll see.
He's mostly okay but I don't like the comments he makes about my weight. I know I'm a fucking cow beast. I know I could stand to lose a few million pounds. But I'm not there for an eating disorder even though that's been one of my issues in the past. Like, I'm not blind... I know I'm fucking fat... Jesus. And then he offered me some cookies?! Ugh, other females reading this would understand. My dad did that a lot. He'd tell me I'm a fat cow and then make lasagna for dinner. What the fuck. Way to send your daughter to bulimia-ville on the fast track. But that is neither here nor there.
I've only slightly mentioned drugs in therapy. I know I have a problem with opiates/opioids. I am physically and mentally addicted to them and when I can't get them, things aren't pretty. There have been consequences in my life due to my use of pills. According to my therapist, I am also supposedly experiencing a "complicated" grieving process because of the fucked up relationship my mother and I had right before she died so suddenly. So I feel like drugs aren't really the problem but rather a symptom of a bigger problem which I obviously don't want to deal with. So I mask it by being high all of the time. If money and legality weren't issues, I feel like using oxycodone daily wouldn't be such a huge deal. I can function on it. I feel like I function better when I am on it, actually.
But I bet most addicts feel that way.
I did mention that I took quite a bit of LSD in high school. That's about it. It's hard to describe what a panic attack feels like to me so I said... "It's like a bad trip". Then he asked if I've had bad trips... and I said I'd had a few. I think most people who've taken LSD have had a bad trip or at least a rough time during a trip. It's the nature of the beast. Or perhaps it's just the LSD Gods punishing me for disrespecting it, I don't know. I do know now that a punk rock concert in Brooklyn is not the place where you want to trip on LSD, though.
He said something about cocaine being less damaging to your mind than "grass" (as he put it) because of the hallucinogenic effects of "grass". I don't know, man, I've never bugged out on marijuana. I mean, maybe when I smoked up after buying a felony amount of drugs and then had to go home on the train smelling like a fucking Phish concert, I've been paranoid, but not psychotic. I sure as hell have had some minor psychoses after a cocaine binge. I've smoked pot almost every day for the past 3 or so years. My lungs and throat are worse for wear but otherwise I feel like if I had a line of cocaine or a bong of weed, the coke would send me "one toke over the line" whereas the pot would make me giggly, hungry and probably sleepy.
Set and setting, set and setting, set and setting!
So I have another job interview tomorrow. I am feeling rather confident about it, though, for some reason. Unlike most other times I've had interviews. I kind of go in feeling like I'm not going to get the job and why am I even wasting my time and blah blah blah... Maybe there's something to having a positive outlook.
Anyway I should probably go wash my hair now. I have to fucking be up and looking peppy in 6 hours. I hope I get this job and I hope it's more than just seasonal because I really fucked up our finances... Gotta pay some bills, man. I also have to pay off some tuition so I can go back to school next semester. I don't think I'll ever be eligible for financial aid again, it seems. But we'll see.
