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Especially the rules I set for myself.

I keep drawing a line... The line I will not cross.

Then saying "fuck it" and take a flying hop, skip and jump right over it. It's no big deal, though, right?

We all make mistakes and do things we regret. Chasing bigger, better, faster, more, more, more... When will it be enough for me?

The more I want, the less I have... I don't understand it at all. Perhaps I never will.

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LORDS OF ACID - BLOWING UP YOUR MIND

Hey acid-head, what's goin' on
It's Saturday night - you'll be up till dawn
So put on your make-up babe and shave those legs
Are you wearing your silk stockings tonight?
How about a hat?
What's that white stuff sticking under your nose
Is it powder or is it pure coke
What's the matter you look so confused
I suppose it's all part of the drugs you use
Your lipstick shines it's red like blood
I can see paranoia creeping up your butt
Your wig looks old but you just don't care
With your high heeled shoes you got so much flair
Blowing up your mind
Blowing up your mind
Blowing up your mind
Yes you're blowing up your mind
Hey acid-head, what's in your purse
You got so many pills you could be a nurse
You drink too much and you act like a pig
If i did all that I'd be feeling real sick
But the night is young and you're flying high
You dance with the devil, unafraid to die
You never say no when given a gram
White stuff - sniff it up you don't give a damn
You're all screwed up but you say that you're fine
You sleep with the devil when you're blowing your mind
You dance all night in your lowcut dress
Your brain is buzzin' you're such a mess
Blowing up your mind...

Yeah, yeah,,,,, NYE!!!! I am ready to party now! I will be on here throughout the weekend logging trip reports and such. It is gonna be an epic weekend. My first candyflip, real one anyway. I have done the combo but it was backwards and the timing was off. I have those red squirrels, I want to see how good these boogers really are! I am partying at the crib so it is no worries... Well, super chill ready to go!!!! :D

It's a conundrum.

You like things. Certain things. Some things. Things that aren't abrasive and/or leech energy from you for their own personal gain. You fancy these things and you cling to them.

Any Zen master will attest to the clinging of fancies and pleasures conflicts zen.


I know am I am the universe. I know interconnectivity. Why this burden of isolation? The surest of poisons. solace.


Why do I have to be here? Why can I not find satori? It seems to me I'm just being pummeled continuously into this vector that is getting thinner and thinner. Think Dante Alighieri's circles. I see this plain as day with mass inflation, the prison industrial complex, police unions, CIA approved opium, shit, give em hell boys, it's only a little dope., Military Jack offs that get off on the systemic saturation firebombing of hospitals chocked' full' o' sick little brown people. Some of that great American spirit of generosity we're always hearing about. If I could live forever I'd be at peace, because I want to know to know how it all goes down.

Ad infinitum. I want the knowledge of the logos. I want it all. I'm a greedy little prick.

I've been rereading dune to an impressive degree. Their Padishah Emperor took his fighting force, the abhorrent Sardaukar, hardened and molded into perfect killing machines through duress encountered on the prison planet, Salusa Secundus.

Herbert was wise. I see the fabric of time in his vision, it fits sure as a tailored suit. I'd count him among many visionaries I admire, along with W. Blake.

Is this our prison planet?


Huxley postulated that the pacification of the masses would inevitably be done via drugs, and in a a sense he was right. Television and all that screeching clamorous rubbish is the most addictive shit I've ever seen. I've grown up and seen drug dealers who never used lose 20,000 dollars they'd saved from selling this back allley mexican low-grade weed to suburban sots from a fucking halo addiction. Halo. It's some damn video game, likely old hat now, but he was hooked as fuck. You can't get better irony than that.

It's like being contracted for a book with the characters already written.

The fuckers are real. Same thing with the Hell's Angel's and Thompson. You couldn't make that shit up. Real life is stranger than anything you ever comprehend. Infinitine.


So do I go or shalll I stay?

If clinging and impermanence are such important factors towards the path to enlightenment, what's the bloody point? Lets just strike the match right here and end it.

It was Camus who said that "The only real question in life one has to ask oneself is whether or not to commit suicide."

This is installment one. That last one was too vicious to finish and the reason my satori has been compromised, as you can plainly see here.

Fuck each other in the streets, that's my new standing head.

i am back down to the weight i was in college. and i have (mini) muscles... i have a rather well paying job. thanks to that, i have paid off a lot of debt and actually have money in my savings account... i got out of ohio and back to the west coast... i stopped drinking every night... celebrated 13 years with my husband. or 2 years of marriage depending on how you feel like measuring things... i still have the most awesome and accepting friends... by most people's standards, i look like a successful adult

Makes me achieve orgasm where I stand.























































































































That is all.

So, as noted in my last entry, I dosed 440mgs of methadone on Sunday Xmas Day and although I said it would hold me only until 8AM, Tuesday, it is now Thursday, 4AM, and I haven't touched an opiate/opioid since Xmas, I have a tad bit of hyper-sexuality (spontaneous orgasms aren't unusual during a Cold Turkey Withdrawal) and a runny nose but then I had my sinuses wrecked by a bullet so go figure. I may dose late this afternoon with morphine, or, I might try to go for the long haul.

The craziest shit happened to me yesterday. Too bad Mariposa has been making herself scarce for a bit because she would love this; I found out that Jackie is pregnant! Not only is she knocked up, it is by some strange looking white guy who looks to be in his mid-60s. Better him than me gosh. The thing is, while she was fucking this slag she was busy begging me for a chance. I found out by accident. I'm considering three or four women- although I'm still involved with Joysa I don't think I'm ready to dive into domestic life again.

One of the women and I were talking; As I often say on BL, I never lie. I tell them all they want to know though most usually regret it afterwards. After I told this one girl she filed it away in her mind. We parted ways for the night (I'm in Makati now, in Manila). After she was alone she went online and did a search on Jackie and came up with a page on a social networking site. There she saw Jackie had made a brand new account and had pictures of what looks to be a 65 year old Uncle Fester on Crack though, being the Philippines, he is more than likely a tweaker. His head is like a giant elongated oval, sunken cheeks and eye sockets.

So the girl calls me up, "Raki, go to --- --- and look at her page! She is pregnant by an ugly old Kano (white man though literally its short for American)." I did and was horrified. I tried to wish her luck, congratulate her, but she's too smart, barring comments. I'm still a bit suprised that she would play with giving birth in such a way. Having left 3 kids under 6 years of age she now makes one with an old man? What the fuck?

I flew up to Manila because Typhoon Sendong was so catastrophic that new routes will have to be cut through the reefs offshore for the ferries. I was seated next to a very attractive woman. We got to talking, she is a Malaysian but what they call Orang Asli, the indigenous rainforest tribes that were there after Negritos but before Malays. Her tribe is the Temuan, and they live in Perak. Stunning, 30, and a virgin. In Southeast Asia its not that unusual, especially with more traditional tribes. She is an academic in an economics department.

I pissed her off. In Borneo, where I spend a fair amount of time, such tribes are known to Malaysians as Bumiputra, "People of the Land." When she told me she was a Protestant from Perak I knew she was Orang Asli but asked her if she was Bumiputri. She was so pissed, turns out she's an activist for her tribe as well haha. They prefer to be called Orang Asli. Its akin to an American calling a Native American an "Indian" By the end of the one hour flight though I had recovered to the poinr where I would have invited her home with me if she hadn't had a ticket for a connecting flight.

There is a girl that I met two weels ago in Butuan, when I went with my father in law to Camp Bancasi, an army camp there. She is 23, works in a family bakery and broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years back in 2009 after catching him with another girl. This one is no virgin but gorgeous, always a consideration haha, but as I said, I don't want another wife.

The third contestant is a 19 year old virgin who has never even had a boyfriend. Most men my age (44) would love to bag a teenager but IF you take virginity here you are risking your life if you aren't prepared to walk to the altar if caught. In my case of course, I'm already married.

Then there is Joysa...I feel deeply for her but isn't anything like what I thought I felt for lying Jackie. I reckon I will spend New Years Eve with her but after that I have no idea. 2012 will be interesting to say the least.

It's as it should be. God the tyrant up in his 'kingdom' of heaven.

Why more people ignore overlooked language is beyond me. A democratic republic run by a monarchical religion. Ho ho, you can't make this stuff up, kids. It's actually rather ingenious now that I'm suddenly forced to grapple with the concept.

Scott Oxazepam 1:14 pm
Ill send you my blog.
You wouldn't believe it if you read it.

R 1:24 pm
Yes please do man... I'd love to check it put... U were supposed to send it days ago,?? Hahaha...love to chk it out brotha

Scott Oxazepam 1:24 pm
I've been argueing since then. I just now got a break.
I've been listening to thich nhat hahn audio compositions nonstop to find love in my present moment.
With that thing screeching at me it's impossible.

Click to expand...

I've not much will to write today. I don't want to drink but I fear I inevitably will seeing as I've no muse at hand and a shattered and/or nonexistent family life, an impossible waiting-game of a snails situation at hand where I'm stuck living in a studio apartment with a loveless alcoholic mother who told me yesterday that beer is "all she had."

I made the mistake of telling her that I thought we got along better when she didn't drink, which was true, and she naturally flew off the handle and started projecting, turning the subject against me. I said it takes two [to tango], and I wasn't not included in this and offered to stop drinking myself. She went on to say "I function I have a job and a car and blah blah ad naueseum." So you're saying that gives you a monopoly get out of wherever card to be a miserable albeit functional alcoholic who neglects her children emotionally and intellectually and spends her free time sitting on the couch watching the food network, in an absolutely filthy home (she hid dirty dishes in a storage bin of mine, full of important documents, ruining them, as well as other areas of the house).

She's fucking a married man, which I don't object to, but I think I hear them fucking in the stairwells at 4:30 in the morning when before she goes to work while I'm sleeping sometimes. Well, sometimes I wake up. I don't know whether that's appropriate or not, maybe someone on here can chime in for me, but it sure is damned uncomfortable and off-putting. I sleep with earphones on every night at this point. There's a wall that separates our beds, thank god, but it's still an intolerable situation and I'm finding it harder to stay mindful and full of love in this situation.

I don't feel hate, but I can only find compassion with psychedelics for her. She's the epitome of everything that's wrong with this current new England Americanized culture we suffer at present, and it's hard to love that. Taught by a screen, bemused by advertisements, covetous, miserly and shallow unenlightened opportunists. I don't know if it's a deliberate attempt by some 'mastermind' (dubious) 13-tall dark wizard on dark mountain [who never lets me win!;)]. It's hard to attain Buddha nature when you're surrounded by failed remnants of whatever we considered quality past/present/future/region/ad infinitum variable. The simple fact I was born on the wrong continent lands me in a most tedious and tiresome position. I'll make it work though.

Blah blah. I'm always bitchy these past few days. No hope for the spiritually crippled. No dice.

I'm going to voyage 2-(3-methoxyphenyl)-2-(ethylamino)cyclohexanon at the library later and hopefully add a positive screed. Until then I remain,

Without hope of ever not remaining,

Thou

I did 2,5ml of pure GBL some 15'... and it already FUCKED my head, I fucking love this drug OMG

It's like Cocainediazpine (???) I feel my head soooooooooooooo foggy, it's like I'm among clouds and the rush it's SO FUCKING AWESOME

I can see this drug mixing SO well with opiates, benzos (OMG) and psychodelics... well, pretty much anything

This drug seems like the perfect thing to do almost any time for doing indoor things like playing videogames or going outside and doing shit (but I don't see you can mask this high)... never anything hit me so hard so fast taken orally

well I didn't like the idea of taking this drug but right now I love it

+40'~ I already hit the peak, but I still feel fucking high, also, hungry! I'm gonna eat something feeling euphoric and happy, the music sounds so mega blasting good in my music, me- being a benzodiazepine super abuser, I felt in love with this drug I already know it

+60'~ well I'm coming little by little down... wow I loved it. I'll want to take more, I'll research more about this toxic. Eating some bread, I don't feel nauseas and my body temperature it's hot.

+80'~ redosing 2.5ml more. This stuff gives me the muchies pretty hard btw.

+100'~ feeling STRONGLY euphoric. I F U C K I N G L O V E G B L.

+120'?~ did I ever felt so good? I feel my brain being overflown with Dopamine, Serotonin and also Endorphins (I did take ONLY 60mg Codeine 3 hours ago)... MY FUCKING GOD
I don't know what to say nor do... adhajklsbdkjavb dak.... GBL the ULTIMATE DRUG? most likely you DON'T KNOW.

+300'? I spent like 2 hours talking on the phone. This drug it's amazing. Too addictive. Toooooooooooooooooooooooooo addictive for someone who likes benzos(downers) and uppers.
But I love it. I can foresee my future full of drips of GBL.

So I thought of ways to preserve my food throughout the winter, which transferred into ways to preserve my food, generally, which made possible surplus. Surplus through increased ability for preservation allows overeating on levels not seen before.

I over-shot.

Make or break. I broke, but perhaps something else made. But maybe back then my drive was what made, and made what was broke, made.

I don't want clothes to wash... at least not massive amounts. I want like five robes and I want to be naked under them, and I want to wash the robes in the water.

I want to be naked.

I don't want any excess food to overindulge on. I want to stay hungry. I don't want TV. I want to play games in the woods. I want to live in a society where everyone knows how to make a decent bow and arrow. I want life to be my living instead of sucking life to be my living.

The world- we justify because we need to feel balanced. Where it's going, we dream... and I can't shoot it down.

But I wish my life happened as a caveman. I wish every day I faced real threats instead of threats from my own immune system as a result of it being pounded and overexposed, and body overindulged. I'd rather fight a fucking bear. I would totally destroy that bear. I swear.

Nothing against bears, or anything. In fact it's quite the opposite, how I feel. It would be an honor.

Flesh eating bacteria? At least it's not my own body. I'm what happens when God turns on itself.

We go back. We start again. We go back. We start again. The teeter totter, teeter totter... up and down. What if I learned there was no balance?

Charge ahead.

but i need to avoid something.

i have no idea what's making me sick. i have been sick now for about a week. throat is somewhat sore, and has gotten worse. i'm thinking now it's allergy- the most recent symptoms. i have no fucking clue. laundry detergent? thought about that. i'm allergic to coconut and my one detergent although free and clear is made from coconut oil, and i react to a drop of coconut oil (orally).

the best i felt, recently, was when i didn't shower for two days or so. this would mean i didn't open up my pours, and dry off with a towel that might still have coconut oil residue in it... but i did change clothes (not underwear)... my reaction wasn't as bad. ...

tonight .. i took a shower about a couple of hours ago.. and right now i'm experiencing a bad sore throat on my left side which is consistent with allergic reactions to orally ingested or breathed in particles of food..

but i'm wondering what the cause is. hemp? unlikely. still feel this is highly unlikely. no hemp seed allergies have ever been officially reported. i just changed my detergent. i'm washing all of my clothes with soap nuts- which i also believed at one time to cause a reaction in me. I could use another detergent.. from tide.. i don't believe i react to it even though i know it's made with both corn and coconut oil- both that i'm allergic to.. but i don't or didn't react to it before.. soap nuts? people with multiple chemical sensitivities use these.. i shouldn't be allergic... plus i barely touched them, to put them in the bag and into the laundry. they weren't wet, either. i can touch milk, one of my worst offenders, and not get a reaction most of the time..

but coconut oil.. . is an oil. it gets into the skin, and perhaps some protein residue finds its way in, too.. but this is the worst i've felt.. the worst reaction i have felt.. tonight!

i don't know.

if i could in perfection, i would approach gateway to deconstruction/disassembly/death.



what new tonight? soap nuts... and going through checkout just moments ago .. with a lady that covers herself in make-up and perfume and smells from six feet away. i've suspected perfumes and colognes as a causer of my suffering as well, but i often try to go back on it and say "no it's not that.".. but i don't know.

i wish god would open up a portal and say "game over, if you want."

I'm no fan of this holiday.

This is not meant to offend, quite the contrary, rather just to explain a position subjectively and without emotion. I've no stake in this sentiment.

It's impossible to talk to my mother. I can take her in small doses, as I see her 1-3 hours a day. We have nothing in common, though I love her unconditionally. I fear she doesn't have the capacity to see this. She projects and represses. She's been doing it all of her life and it stems from my maternal grandparents who are miserly evil fucks. Twice a year we have to go to their giant house lavishly outfitted and redecorated with the most useless expensive shit.

I'm by no means jealous, but we live in poverty. We've always lived in poverty. I find this situation a tad disconcerting. The greatest offense is that they are a loveless couple of people. Unfortunately, my mother naturally shares some of those characteristics, although she is capable of real love and empathy. She's partly responsible for my courteous and chivalrous demeanor.

To top it off, 3 years ago over some drinks (my mom's a functional alcoholic, 2-6 beers a night most nights; as was I at the time) she admitted to me that she never loved my father. She essentially brought me into this strange situation (life on earth in this foul year) for her own benefit to detract from the fact she never loved my father. She's very defensive and combative and on top of that shows no discernable guilt over this very major thing. They were married ten years, my father was what you would call an eccentric deadbeat, manic depressive with delusions of grandeur. I no longer speak with him as his treatment of my mother, sister, and myself led to a complex anxiety disorder which has made it inexorably hard to function in real life without medicines and doctors costing insane amounts of money as inflation has caused this rotten community of ours to live in poverty (well, at least 26% of us by my current count).

I'm often treated as a person with a 'problem'... To be continued.


_


14:48:53 12/25/11

This was thrice as long and more in depth originally but I lost the page and auto-save only saves a portion of one's writing I'm finding out. I don't have the emotional strength to salvage the remnants of this beast from my waning and exhausted mental faculty.

I've not the resolve to finsish it this moment, although I'm about to attend a dinner at my grandparents house which I'm usuing to my advantage as a sociological experiment. That and the free booze and food.

My mother initially lied to them and said I had "work" that day. She didn't want me there because she inwardly hates her parents ridiculously pompous and otherworldly odd behavior towards their children/grandchildren. It's an anomaly. Loveless beyond measure. I aim to measure it fully equipped with dictaphone and various forms of surveillance equipment.

I wish to write an essay or in the very least a long and admittedly weird screed on these creatrues, if only to understand their habits and come to grips with this strange part of my 'family' life. Keep in mind I see these people twice a year, they have all the money in the fucking world, are loveless cultureless vultures, and contribute heavily to my mothers own mental issues; of which she denys and seeks no help.

I have 3 family members and we're separated by these two stone pillars of emphatically bereft manifestations. Mom, Sis, and Aunt R.

I'll add more to this when I have a clearer head as I've been having strong emotional disputes with mother yesterday and a bit today as she's been drinking quite a bit. Not knock-down drunk, mind you, as tolerance runs in our families blood. I can drink 7 drinks in 20 minutes, brush my teeth and go to work unbeknownst to my superiors if I so chose (though I stopped drinking in that fashion since getting back on meds. I drink twice a week, maybe. That would be FREQUENT for me.) If marijuana were available to me I'd be using this instead, but alas, inflation makes it a bit expensive and I'm officially broke until tomorrow.

To be continued, still once I get some of this on tape. You wouldn't believe the behavior if you heard it, you just very well may depending on my mood. I've no qualms with adjusting this piece with an addendum and recording in MP3 format.

What the hell, everything, and I mean it, everything is closed because of Christmas. I'm an agnostic so it's not my holiday. Why are there no buses and no underground? This is sick. It's worse than in Poland. You can get a bus once an hour at least and here you can starve to death because it's fucking Christmas. Fucking stupid...

I swear to god when I get away from here on Monday I am going to disappear for good. even my own family don't understand me. It's like I talk and they hear someone else talking. There is no way they will ever love me and the sooner I am gone the better. I see no point for my existence any more.

The lovely Dr. and 'father' of modern psychoanalytic theory said that, and it's a tried and true, however harsh and ugly fact that always struck me being quite true.

As you may have already realized, any asshole with either an elementary education or a good generation on this strange planet of ours could figure this one out, so I'm by no means stroking this arbitrary intellectuals ego by relating it to my own intellectual path.

No, just an arbitrary rumination on the state of things as they appear to me full of the essential and necessary chemicals needed to face this grim, opportunistic, isolated, and above-all materialistically technological ordeal of an incubus we all face regardless of race, social status, or ideology.

I've been listening a great deal to the audio lectures of the late Allan Watts as of late, and it's been a marvelous turning point in the spectrum I've been grappling with for years. From grim nihlism at the one polar extreme, to absolute satori (buddha nature) at the other, he's made of mine a once inexorable existence to a palatable one, although not ideal quite yet as I've still a lot to absorb and experience.

Starting with writing, as well as learning to draw and paint, landing a decent job despite the burden of taking a 50 percent decrease in wages on account of this mindless conditional discharge hanging over my head (expiring in 6 months; but even then I'm unsure of whether I'll be eligible to work in healthcare ever again. Horrible nightmarish position yet rewarding in certain ways beyond the payrate (16-18/h); but that's an essay for a different time), and trying to give my all to my new position on the staff here, I think I've gone from a state of catatonic anhedonia and despair, surfaced from the depths of a 2-week long benzodiazapine withdrawal cold turkey like a anchor sent from an angel into the quicksand of that ugly, vicious thing.

Hot damn, that was one bastard of a run-on sentence. I've often admired the skill that goes into a TRUE run-on, much to the dismay of every literary educational authority I've come across. They fail to see the outright beauty and skill required to make the thing work, and for this I pity them. They are fools with no resolve and sure as hell no money, otherwise they'd be better fit to actually arm the youth of this nation (states) with the knowledge ACTUALLY required to survive once released from the peaceful and harmless womb of public school, ideally without duping them into pursueing meaningless and exorbitantly expensive degrees, bogging them down in debt for the rest of their natural lives, and, if they decide on procreation, the rest of their childrens lives as well (if I understand the credit laws correctly, and I believe I do).

These tangents are whimsical and fun, but a digression nonetheless. I'd apologize, but I reserve that admonition these days. Too many apologies can chip away at a man, and I've been hacked up and over far too many times to give any more of myself away for flighty reasons. The same goes with respect, now that I think of it.

So.. What's the point you ask? Nothing in particular today. Just random gibberish. Stream-of-consciousness prattle, but with, I feel, a gradient pure and elegant streak in the prose.

No conclusions today. Sorry kids, if you want answers, either cross your fingers, stare at the stars until your eyes bleed epiphanies, or sit cross-legged with a snoot-full of the 4-substituted tryptamine of your choosing.

I've no quarter to ask, and none to give.

Thou

To all my Australian, Russian, Asia, Middle Eastern, and everyone else....

Merry Christmas!!

Watching Norad Tracks Santa....things you do when bored and have kids HAHA!!


Everyone stay safe and have some cheer this year! :D

Well, tonight it's 23 December of 2011. This year was a real roller coaster, almost all the economies of the world collapsed, nuclear meltdowns and budget standoffs, crumbling dictators and riot everywhere — not to mention a couple devastating storms and the fall of the foundation of physics. The only thing for certain about 2011 was chaos. And my life was just as worse -- some weeks ago.
In September I lost my six years old job, but a week and half ago I got a new one in a cool enterprise that moves a lot of money... it took me only 7 days of work to show my coworkers and even to my boss what I was able to do, how much I knew, and how strong was my will.
But 2 weeks ago I was nothing, I was contemplating suicide, I had no money, no food, a little of drugs (I am a benzo-opiate addict).

The change of my ego was thanks to several things. I won't go into detail about this, at least now.
That's why tonight I want to celebrate, feel good, and also disassemble and reassemble my perception of things. Deconstruct and reconstruct what we call 'reality'.

8pm - I just came from work. I feel happy and the weather it's chill at last. The set & setting probably couldn't be better. I am prepared to listen to music, play videogames, watch anime and movies.

I did:

• 100mg DXM
• 120mg Codeine
• 10mg Memantine
• 10mg 2-CE
• Everything taken with Gatorade and Pepsi

9pm- BL just went 'server too busy', everyone must be tripping right now lol.
I feel opiated and a little nauseaus, but everything it's going pretty well. I'm playing Infamous 2 while downloading the Sonic CD demo which I will probably buy through PSN (I'm a Sonic fan lol).

9.50pm- I just finished Infamous 2 on evil. I feel veery euphoric, very opiated, chaotic like, yet still there are few CEVs (but 'that feeling' in my stomach of something very weird coming).... I'm not taking any benzo for now.

10.05pm- I still feel nauseus. It's not bothering me, but it's strange for me to be nausaus for so long. Anyway, I want more OEVs, so doing more DXM (and 1mg Clonazepam just to prevent seizures).

10.20pm- watching anime lying in bed I am hugely smiling and feeling both the opiate pleasure and tension of phenethylamines. Whatever, I'm feeling wonderful.

10.40pm- I can feel the 2-CE inside me. Add the DXM and the Codeine (and whatever the Memantine does), and you get 2 very intense feelings of pleasure, and right now, they feel like totally different, and both can be enjoyed. This is awesome. I don't want this to never end. (literally)

11.10pm- I'm feeling extreeeeeemly happy, it's like I'm having the time of my life in my brain. The OEVs are beginning now, and my body temperature it's hot. I am veeery tempted to do 10mg more 2-CE, but instead of that, I will do more DXM. I think I know why I'm doing it.
Btw, I'm watching anime, Bakemonogatari specifically. Dark in my room, tripping hard, Blueray quality.
Keep it coming please. Doing more DXM (~250mg all included).

11.43pm- Well, I'm taking 10mg 2C-E more. I don't know the next time I'll have an opportunity like this, doing Codeine, DXM, Memantine, and 2-CE, all at once. There. 20mg 2C-E orally gelcaps taken counting the both gelcaps. The first one 4 hours ago, the second one, another hour ago. This will be a long night. Let us enjoy our chaotic reign. (what?)

12-13am- Time dilatation it's strong. I think the DXM it's blocking the 2C-E effects. I just realized that, because I'm not having strong CEVs. But It's very probable time will tell. Still feeling very opiated so I'm gonna... listen to some music.

1am- listened to music. Took a shower. realised a lot of stuff. I realised I'm Chaotic neutral by nature. I must be tripping hard lol. But it's good to realise that stuff. Also taking another 1mg Clonazepam because it won't "STOP" the trip and will probably help out. I know why I'm taking it.

1.20am- Watching The_Girl_Who_Leapt_Through_Time, feeling a loooot more the 2C-E now (maybe it was the bath? the time? the benzo? who will ever know?) I have realized my true nature is Lawful Chaotic, and that, it's not possible, because after all D&D's Alignment... wait... if I'm chaotic lawful... my life can't be measured by some game's alignment. And that makes sense. It just doesn't that I'm realising my life is chaotic lawful. Well, me, brain, people, let's get over it. Let's keep watching the damn movie.

2am- While watching the movie, the 2C-E it's finally showing up OEVs and strong sensation.

2.10am- Time is moving soooooooooooo slowly. I'm feeling wise.

3am- Finished watching The_Girl_Who_Leapt_Through_Time_(2006)_[720p,BluRay,x264]_-_THORA. Not only watching the movie itself was very enjoyable, but also strongly getting the character faces, the emotions, the paints, the sunset, the flow of time, the meaning of reasources.... EVERYTHING. Just lol.

5.35am- Well, I'm still high, but already taking some benzos and Clonidine to come down without hurry and feeling very good opiate like. I spent most of the night watching the best anime of this year (Madoka/Steins;Gate pretty much for me). It was very enjoyful both the art of Madoka and the complexity of the story of Steins;Gate. Also, I have noticed everything I watched tonight it's related to time travel in some form, being magical or scientific. This trip is probably finishing. I loved so much these last hours. I'm happy and proud-- yet, the neutral mental feeling of 2-CE it's present again. And I respect it.

6pm(the next day)- I slept a lot. And I can still see the improved visual and audio detail that left the 2-CE. I also don't feel any pain at all (at all) probably because of the mixture of opiates. Yesterday was a super fun night, and it's exactly what I wanted. The most special feeling about this were the extreme time dilatation. At some point 10 minutes feel like an hours.
I just won't do this combo again because of the slow absorption of the drugs (the DXM in particular, it slows every drug taken orally even more).

Next stop: 2-C-T-7. Merry christmas guys.

Because I really, really want to get high.

I smoked some pot last night and lamented that to my girlfriend, over and over. She was telling me all of our problems, how all of our bills are late and how I need to sell my iPad so we can make ends meet and I just laughed at her because she told me she paid the cable bill instead of the electric bill. Every good poor person knows to pay the electric bill first -- because, either way, you're going to lose the cable... Duh! If you have no electricity, how is cable useful to you? I could walk around with my iPad in the dark... stealing wifi from the neighbors. Charging my shit in the hallway when the stupid neighbors aren't peeking through their peepholes. Hahaha.

And then we had a discussion about how different our childhoods were. Hers, limited and controlled and mine... well, my parents basically left me to my own devices pretty much. Hell, they let me start commuting to school on the subway when I was 11. I was Daddy's little girl until his Parkinson's Disease manifested itself when I was 12 or so. And we had a really good conversation. She's quitting smoking, which is her vice. So I guess I was being irritating and she kind of unloaded on me. I wanted to cry, to hug her and tell her it would be okay, that we'd find a way -- we always find a way -- that I will make things right.

And then I just wanted to hurt myself for being so selfish. For putting her and my brother in such a predicament. We're coming up to our 5th anniversary and all I have to show for it is this stupid addiction and self loathing and hatred for life...

And I just wanted some damn pills so bad.

And it's not even because I need it as I am over the acute withdrawal phase. I'm even getting an appetite and my body is regulating its temperature on its own. My eyes aren't tearing, I'm not yawning, I slept the entire night, I didn't wake up feeling like death warmed over, I'm not constipated, I don't have to figure out where I'm going to get nonexistent money from, I don't have to make that trip to see my connect, I don't have to pretend that I give a shit about anything he says, my legs aren't twitching and aching, I don't need to do anything to make my existence more physically comfortable. These are all good, normal things.

And yet, I feel like if a bottle of oxy fell from the sky, I'd be like a fat guy at a buffet -- going until I explode, knowing the consequences, knowing the withdrawal symptoms, knowing...

I also feel a bit gung-ho about it because I feel like, wow, I made it a week without drugs. I can do it again. And again. I got through it. But it's sort of a period of forced sobriety where I have neither the funds nor connections to obtain my DOC. Nor do I feel comfortable enough to say "fuck it" and take money from my girlfriend or brother or dogs... I should just chill the fuck out at the moment and get some decent pot to enjoy before bed. That used to be my routine.

So why not start the cycle over again? After my rent is paid, the case is closed, I find another job... I want to go on another run. I almost picked up the needle when I was 17 to start shooting cocaine. But I got caught by a Dean at my school who then called the cops and got me arrested. That scared the shit out of me and even shook my parents enough to... ignore me some more. You know, except to pick me up from the police station. My dad and little brother took a cab all the way to Manhattan to see me at the police precinct by my high school and then abruptly left... I guess my dad had to see it for himself, otherwise he wouldn't have believed it. Then I got my shoelaces, ate a tuna sandwich my mother bought me and FINALLY PEED MY BLADDER OUT from sitting handcuffed to a pole for 8 hours, coming down off of cocaine and hating my life. But also re-evaluating my life. I was 17 and I thought my life was over. Drug charges don't bode well with Federal Financial Aid, but luckily I was tried as a Youthful Offender and it's as if it never happened...

I thank [my higher power] that I didn't start with the needle. I'm 25 now... finishing my love affair with prescription opioids or starting a new one with heroin?

If I really wanted to I'm sure I could find some drugs, somewhere. I do live in the fucking greatest city in the world.

Back when I was in high school, I had a shirt that said "Trouble Finds Me" ... which I feel was true. Somehow... it always did find me. But I also welcomed it with open arms (and nostrils) and lungs and however else I could get a substance into my gullet...

Fucking hell. I've just overthought myself into a funk... And I was feeling pretty good too.

Its been years since I first came across the idea.

I was high as a kite, drunk staring into the mirror. There it was the Sonicare. It was recharging in its home cradle. I must have stared at it for about 20 minutes before taking it out and rubbing it on my cheek. Feeling for static, warmth or anything. I placed it back into the charging position. Then continued to pull half way out watching when it would stop charging and at what point it would continue the charge. Without a metal connection, with water, and without. It still charged seamlessly.

Imagine this in a mass scale such as in the walls of the house. Allowing any device to have power. Setting a frequency range would allow ONLY devices in your frequency to carry the power. Disallowing your neighbors stealing your electric with they're wireless power devices.

With the same technology we can allow devices to fly/float seamlessly, and be powered at the same time.

Well for a number of years swim had been smoking the gel from fetanyl patches when they were still common in swims area. It occurred to him that the gel would be similar to a crushed up Oxycontin or morphine contin pill, (coating dissolved first) and a small drop of water added after making a spoon shaped object out of tinfoil. Swim noticed to make walls on the foil so the pastey mixture wont drip around. Mix thoughtouly, then place a flame about 4 inches from the bottom of swiy's spoon and use a money bill to inhale the smoke. At first it will sizzle and boil, but then swiy's will be left with a brown to black residue on the foil that's smoke should be held in and it will leave swiy in a good fade. Only a lines worth will do the trick just to try it out, but of course an 80 mg. oxycontin wont hurt either, if you know what youre doing. This can be done with heroin and powder cocaine as well. One more thing, NEVER ADD TOO MUCH WATER! Now enjoy folks, this is smoking, not the chemical altering also known as freebasing.

1 fucking month wasted. 400 fucking pounds wasted. Nobody helped me out to be able to get insurance, to be able to open an account in this big city. I can't register anywhere with the address I live because there are some benefits given so if I said somewhere I live here, all the benefits would be taken away. Shit... I've been waiting. "I will talk to friends, they'll get you an address", then it was like "talk to X so X talks with X's friends".

Damn, I've got the address after 1 month when I couldn't work so I couldn't earn any money and it's so expensive to live in London when you don't get any money, otherwise one day of work and you can go to a restaurant or a pub and eat something and still you definitely won't spend all your money. You can go clubbing like every day or every 2 day no problem. You can smoke good marihuana (although I've seen some bad shit here I had never seen before, one looked like tea 10Ł/3 grams, some very dry brownish red stuff probably mixed with some herbs 10Ł/1 gram, but I passed guys with these you and eventually found weed, 10Ł/1 gram, that got me blasted totally after one pipe). You can drink beer, wine, you can go and have fun whenever you want, there's no such a thing like worrying about money. You just have to be paid a very little sum of 60Ł / day and damn, you may even get 250Ł / day, aight? For me it was expensive to pay 4 pounds for Guinness but I just love everything Irish and they've got good beers, those stouts.

But hey, even though I started liking the London way of living and all the things, I saw that I still didn't have job and it's not like they will take an analyst to a lab (fuck, I didn't know that, I thought being a chemist means something...). So I looked up my Polish account, made a deposit to book a ticket (of course I must have done that from the Polish account because I couldn't get one in London, a very nice lady with Hindi surname told me "I appreciate you are here and that you've chosen our bank but I cannot activate an account for you because you live in a different place so you have to visit a branch where you live". Kiss my ass. Of course I said "thank you", I know it's bank's policy but then again it was enough to have talked to another guy who is Polish and he helps but I didn't know at what hours he works. They didn't tell. Oh, I had to go around the whole city to know London all by myself and eventually know the city so I know where to go when I get off at Piccadilly Circus for instance.

And shit, today is Christmas Eve. In my culture there's a dinner eaten in the evening and there's no meat there. I'm not a Catholic but nobody understands I don't want to celebrate something I definitely totally don't feel is real. Some tolerance would be nice. So anyway I have to go to this dinner in like 2 hrs... And food is awful - fish, stewed dish made of sauerkraut and/or fresh cabbage and mushrooms, borsch... When I was still in Poland and my grandma was younger she always made something like pies but not really sweet, I guess it was the only thing I like to eat.

To cut the long story short, I've got a ticket booked, I don't need anyone's mercy. Too bad I can't spend this Christmas at home but I will be there before the New Year's Eve!

A few nights ago I broke my arm and was prescribed 5/500 hydrocodone/apap. I can see why it's hard to get off them, everything just felt amazing as fuck and I was happy... Had my girl hide them somewhere since my arm doesnt hurt anymore and I'd probably OD if she hadn't.

Can't imagine heroin.

It's the cruelest joke to play
I'm so high, I run in place
Only a line, we separate, so...

I keep on playing our favorite song
I turn it up while you're gone
It's all I got when you're in my head and you're in my head so I need it

You're the only thing I've got that I can't seem to get enough
We collide for one embrace, so...

Hurry up & wait forever
Hurry up & wait for forever

I need it...
I need it now.

The doctor filled my valium prescriptions again. But she wants me to go back in before she will give me any more. I swear I will crack up if she stops them. I can't cope with life. I can't take the shit I am getting at work and I can't handle the loneliness at home. I just want to feel ok. I am so afraid. And I can't tell anyone. I can't take off the mask. What the fuck is happening to me? I am so afraid. I just want to be ok.