why do i bother working out?

my trainer asked why i keep showing up every week and whatnot when i don't really seem to care about being healthy. i thought it was an interesting question and i don't really have an answer...

it came up because he was talking about how most of the people he trains replace their bad habits with exercise. and that they generally get annoyed with the hangovers and feeling like shit. he said that i am his only client (that he knows of anyhow) that continues to get unsober regularly.

i suppose it is odd that i don't really like myself but exert the effort to exercise. i like the attention i get from looking good and like the random text from a friend, i usually get an ego boost from it. but at the end of the day my head is still as active as ever and i want a break from it. and the easiest way to do that is to become unsober.

using the word unsober is prolly odd too. i am not too concerned with what i am consuming, i turn to alcohol because it is easy to acquire. but i've done the same thing when i had plentiful access to g and ketamine. hell, when i don't have substances i turn self destructive. i guess i am always at battle with myself and take the easy way out with drugs.

i think that i am going to work on getting my head into decent shape in 2012. i don't really know how i plan on doing that. i've been looking up therapists and prolly should actually call one. i'm kinda nervous tho. because i don't really know what it is i would be seeing them about. i'm not exactly depressed (last time i was depressed and had a fairly decent idea why) and my anxiety isn't too out of control. i don't know if therapy can help with disliking myself.

my friend has a tendency of saying that i get stuck in my head. i think that is what is happening now. i am becoming over analytical about things. and the more i think about things, the less "ok" i become with them. but the things are varied and change from day to day. it is not one concrete thing that i can pinpoint.

and on that note, i need to head to work out. maybe i will come back and edit this. or maybe delete it. or maybe just leave it.

 

I want to give a proper reply to you, but I'm just heading out the door. Just wanted to let you know that I know just what you mean about getting stuck in your head. My solution was to work out more, practice yoga, and just try to focus on what is going on around me moment-to-moment, but that's at best a partial solution.

More to come...

 

thanks for the quick response dave

i try to focus on what is happening around me. but if i get into a mood like i am now, i start noticing all the ways i am not normal. i haven't a clue what normal is but i am very good at coming up with ways that i am not normal. and then i start trying to analyze why. and it sort of becomes this loop that i get stuck in. and as i get stuck in it, i become more self critical. and it feeds into the whole cycle.

 

no one is normal though. meditation and small doses of klonopin have been a godsend for me as far as getting stuck in that kind of loop. the latter being not as much of an ideal solution, but it works for me. just keeping busy helps a lot too, otherwise i have too much free time to think.

 

Yeah, there is no such thing as normal. Thoughts feed on themselves; especially negative and critical ones.

I was going somewhere with my previous post, but I'm all bloated from too much delicious food, so I'll just finish with this: you are not your thoughts, and need not be affected by them. Try to take a step back the next time you get too self-critical, observe your thoughts, try to see where they are coming from. Notice that you are the one looking at the thoughts, rather than the thoughts themselves.

Also: mmmm, g. /drool