Quitting my job. Skipping therapy.

Miserable. Sober. Lonely. Trapped. Don't want to celebrate Christmas, don't want to celebrate anything. Need to shower. I'm freezing cold. I haven't really eaten in a few days. Just a meal or two, nothing serious.

I've been entertaining thoughts in my mind. Of running away. Of going to NA and trying to get better. Of going up to random, dangerous looking people asking them for heroin. Do I want to take that leap from oxycodone to heroin? When everything has been so shitty as it is...

Hell, I'd be happy with a 120# 10/325 Percocet prescription per month. Why is it so hard, so taboo?

I need to find a new job now. Sigh. What the fuck is wrong with me? I let everyone down and always complete my self-fulfilling prophecies of doom... What the fucking fuck?

Fucking just kill me now. Get it over with. I don't want to kill myself because I don't want to go to hell. Is that weird? But I think my brother and girlfriend would be better off without me. I'm just a burden...

Maybe I should tell my therapist that. Check myself into the damn mental hospital. Everyone else got a chance to go, right? Why can't I get a little vacation from myself? Schools over... Two months of oohing going on. Then I get to see what the fuck will happen...

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I don't want to die but I don't want to live...

This isn't one of those cries for attention, either. This is my sober mind talking. I miss my mother, I miss my father and everyone else in my life only wants something from me, except for my brother and girlfriend who I keep disappointing. And my dogs. I love my dogs.

But they'll all be taken care of and it's just a matter of time really...
 
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Dave
"I don't want to die, but I don't want to live"

Yup, been there all right. Not to sound horribly glib, but it does eventually get better. And I doubt that either your brother or boyfriend consider you a burden.

Self-fulfilling prophecies? Well, there's the problem. Humans are horrible prophets, and we have a tendency to self-sabotage in order to fulfill them. I know that I did at least.

You are not as bad as you think you are; nobody is. We're always harshest to ourselves, and even moreso when we spend most of our time in our heads.
 
_a_A_C_c_
self sabotage is an evil thing. i have a tendency to get stuck in my head and become overly critical. try to not indulge the negative thoughts too much, otherwise they will take root. and then they will start to seem like a good idea. at least, that is what happens with me :\
 
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