Blogs

Im 15 and i dont enjoy life as much as i feel i should. It seems pointless and it all comes to an end. I dont want to kill my self due to disappointment of this life but i just wonder whats the point. Im smart and i have a lot of money compared to most people but i just dont care about any of that. I wish there was more to life and i just am unhappy.

i work as an outreach peer support worker, im also an addict of crack/cocain. working in the field i've learn so much more about myself and how i can help others that want to moderat their useage of there drug of choice.
if you can keep your housing and pay your bills and have food in you frigde, then your on the right track of harm reduction.
like some one said "nice people take bad drugs"any ways what is addiction? just about anyony and everyone hads an addiction to something, from food to shopping and working or cleaning
if you find yourself doing something all the time then you may have an addiction.

New year, new fucking start.

None of the shit from last year is going to get me down.

Brand new start.

I look forward to it.

"Things can only get better"

any one still being prescribed these painkillers am intrested to know for information purposes used to love the pinkies bring back the good old days :D

I wake up drunk and aching everyday.
Soon it will bring me down.
Should I care or just shrugged it off.
My years in this problem sometimes bring me pride.
But then I realize we all give in and drowned.

does a male plant have more cbd?

top site top prices ships to uk and usa

I went through a bundle of H in a week.

I didn't find it nearly as enjoyable as I find oxycodone. It could have been the quality of the batch I got was bad, I don't know. I thought Heroin was supposed to be the be-all, end-all of opiates but in fact I'd take oxycodone over heroin any day of the week. What gives? Is that weird? Who knows, man.

I'm just going to be glad I don't like heroin as much as I like oxycodone. I only sniffed the Heroin and I don't ever plan on shooting so that's that. All told, I guess I'm glad I tried it but I suppose I was expecting something different.

I just have a bunch of guilt and shame over using Heroin. I don't know why I don't feel like that about oxycodone.

I'm not trying to be mean or anything, I just don't understand. The oxy high is much more energetic and productive and euphoric... this is kind of a syrupy, dark nothingness...

To each his own, I guess.

Sail!

This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my A.D.D. baby

This is how an angel cries
I blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!
Sail!

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Maybe I'm a different breed
Maybe I'm not listening
So blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail!

La la la la la la oh!

La la la la la la oh!

Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail! Sail!

Sail with me into the dark
Sail!
Sail with me into the dark
Sail!
Sail with me into the dark
Sail!
Sail with me, sail with me
Sail!



I love this song, the meaning hits close to home.

regarding the shivas..(blotter) they came around these partts...a friendofmine gave his little brother 3 hits and he fuckin flipped had to get shots to knock him out he was way high ...kept talking about 6th grade and shit broke windows and got tazed by the cops...
i took one at hookah in the hills in like 2010 or 2009 dont remember but shit was goood as hel

Any ideas how to grow pot and make THC lower and CBD higher?8(

... is quit while you're ahead.

Goodbye!

alright i want to find a way to get weed that has more CBD than THC cause i hate getting tripped out. i just want to get relaxed and to take away anxiety

Every time i feel sad, i watch this video



and it never fails to a bad day into a good day.

Today I wake up with 2,0ml of GBL. Had a pretty good afternoon with the stomach full because of GBL's munchies.

After that I spent some hours in bed watching a movie (a pretty bad btw, don't remember the name and already deleted it lol), after that I decided to do 2,5ml more of GBL. Again had munchies and ate a sandwich.

After that I felt hyped so I decided to do some gaming. I bought Limbo the game and the surreal feeling of the game made me do ~5mg of nasal 2-CI. It burned as hell as usual, but my stomach being not empty, I wanted it to hit me fast. It worked pretty well :D

After that I played one or two hours more while feeling the phenethylamine feeling in my body. The visuals were mild, but woked too.

Aaaafter that I did 4ml more GBL spaced out in 4 hours. The last shot was taken with half a bottle of champagne (lol). It masked the GBL taste really nice.

40' after that, right now, I still feel hyped both in the GBL sense and still feel the 2-CI moderately. Sweating as usual. Feeling good

+60' - I can imagine how my dopamine is dancing inside my brain. Listening to music feels *ROYALLY* good..
Have been reading about how bad it's mixing GBL and Alcohol but FUCK IT, in low quantities it seems to feel INCREDIBLE good. This feeling reminds me of the first time I did GBL.
Also still feel the phenethylamine in my stomach, arms and legs. Feels good

+80' - OH MY GOD (it feels so cliche to write this).
Music is rampaging my synapses (what?). Also god bless snacks and anime. Now drinking a litle more champagne (what already was in the bottle) mixed with Coke.
I feel socially(GBl, Alcohol) and intellectually(2-CI) lubricated (hope that makes sense).

+90- I just realised (while reading about GBL/GHB addiction and eating snacks :D) that probably
(strong GBL dosing+mild Alcohol) - (my HUGE benzodiazepine tolerance + 2-CI speedy effect) played/are playing an important role in keeping cool, not drunk/ill alike at all.
I have some Diazepam ampoules lying around there and I'm very tempted about IM'ing them, but I have no syringes and drinking them would be a waster. I'll probably take some Clonazepam later (in pill form) to come down.

+125' - Took 2mg Clonazepam some minutes ago. Feeling horny, I think I'm slowly coming down. Publishing this blog entry in case """the trip""" finishes in some hours.

Just arcticle that was written awhile back while on mdma trying to explain the meaning of life as through the eye's of kyle8800

Aug. 19,2010

See what they say maybe it will work
Maybe we can make it through all this pain and hurt
Keep your heart on stage always front and center
Bright skies are to follow all stormy weather.

See what they say cuz no one really knows
Choose your own destiny build your own roads
Gold and riches won’t lead you to happy
Your real jewels in life are friends and family

Short cuts today make it harder in the end
Nothing good come easy sorry my friend
Do your own thing and make your own mark
The key to happiness is to follow your heart

Everybody gets lost as they find the way
Sometimes choices aren’t clear as night and day
The key to Life is there always is tomorrow
Trying to change the past will bring upon sorrow

If you buy your love it will forever be tainted
Emotions cannot be bought sold or traded
Everybody is graced with ability to achieve total bliss
To know what you’re missing you need something to miss

If every secret to life was forever known
Our life purpose would be to make a perfect picture shown
If one shall not what piece is missing is shall not exist
like there is no love if you never been kissed

Only through life experiences we put the pieces together
When the picture has been painted it will stay with us forever
Life is like a rented movie that you’ll never owned
Greatest of mystery’s are better left unknown

If we knew all the answers we be forever alone
The one thing in life that can’t be changed and is forever told
We once were young and through time we shall grow old
We pre-determined to stop, reverse and change it but;
True happiness can only be achieved if we embrace it
Rest assured when we say good bye
Just be at ease and close your eyes
The reason were here cuts like a knife
If we lived forever there would be no life

By: Kyle8800

Was just going through my old computer HD and found a bunch of pictures and shit I wrote I few years ago. Obviously high on life when I wrote this ahaha or more like mdma. I total forgot about this life changing experience for me until I read it today. It Turns out Life only makes total since when I’m high now that I read it doesn’t really have much as profound meaning as it once did for me.

So, I've been working hard on conditioning myself physically. I hit the gym hard, I eat very clean (its extremely rare for me to eat for pleasure).

Self-loathing still persists. I bought calipers today to measure my body fat. I am at 6.7%. Numbers don't lie but, in spite of this knowledge, its still not good enough.

Someday I'll learn to be honest with myself and perhaps practice some acceptance for the honest 'good' and honest 'bad'.

Patience, I suppose. I've only been working out with weights for a little over a year. Consistency, commitment and discipline will yield results in time.

I need to look at why things are never good enough.

EDIT: WTF??? I just measured again and it reads 13.8%. This caliper user is a fucking idiot. That much disparity in the numbers isn't right. I'll try again tomorrow

I was a daily IV coke user and general garbage head 1 year ago and this is how I looked:



Yeah, I know I'm disproportionate (I'm working on it). I do feel healthy, though. It feels good.

Progress not perfection, eh?

I had a two day sleep a day ago. It was a weird funk of depression stemming from the thought that I had lost my wallet and it seemed to open a chasm of worry and hopelessness, leading to a 28 hour sleep.

I don't believe there were any entity attacks, quite a bit of recapitulation and prescience. The whole debacle left me feeling out of sorts and I've really no one to go to about these things, if you follow my blog you'll have a better grasp of my situation at present.

I ended up saying fuck it and smashed my wine bottle "piggy bank" to get some money out as I'd thought I lost my wallet and went out and got a half pint old crow. On my way to acquire the abhorred liquor my mother phoned and said she'd found my wallet, as I was going out to take whacks off the crow while retracing my steps from the night before.

I finished it off on the ten minute walk home listening to Tchich Nhat Hahn trying to regain my whits and regain my mindfulness, went home and tried to talk to my mother who at first adamantly refused because she had better things to do apparently (watch the food network) so I forced it. It got to a point where I told her I was having trouble having compassion for those I resent. She is largely unfamiliar with this subject and as a result became irate saying something along the lines of "thats the stupidest thing I've ever heard." This came after I told her that there basically were only two states of being which were love and fear, and I wanted to chose love.



I should have known better than to talk with her about anything. I can't have any kind of conversation with her, aside from a one-sided exchange where I nod in agreement for the most part.

Is this normal? I'm 26 years old and am living with her temporarily. I've been having a horrible time trying to find work since being arrested and charged with an "aggravated harrassment" misdemeanor, a batshit-crazy nonsensical peice of legislature vaguer than the text messsages I wrote to the damn girl that got me in the damn mess to begin with. She construed them as a threat. You can't make this shit up, folks. It was the vaguest most poetic dribble you'd ever hear, half of it didn't make sense because I was drunk waking up to a grim reality and memories of the night before where she broke everything valuable to me and left crying for no reason whatsoever. The fuckers had no case but I still have a "conditional discharge" for 6 months, making it impossible for me to work in health care. I had a job that had already hired me that was going to pay me 15 dollars an hour to start and then I got the letter from the Dept. of health. Now I have to resort to an old job that I like (thank god) but pays half of that and has no health insurance.

Also I'm getting medicaid and can't go without medical insurance. Ever. I did so on and off for the last 7 years and each period resulted in alcoholism and destitution. If I make more than 600 dollars a month, according to New York State, I am no longer eligible and lose it. Studio apartments here start at 750 a month. I have no idea what I'm going to do because I have to be out of here by Feb first or so, but I have a feeling I'll be able to stretch that a little further.

I'm part time now and my first two pay checks are training weeks so I only banked maybe 100 dollars per week, so I'm hoping I can show them that and they'll assume I make that and not bother me anymore. I wonder what the charges for medicaid fraud amount to

At this point I'm not worrying about it and considering doing something again to make money which I'd rather not do, but it looks as though I have no choice. The activity is technically legal although requires a decent amount of startup money which I don't have yet. I'm just playing this waiting game.

The only positive thing that's happened to me recently is getting tattooed for free a few times from good friends, still healing one and they both turned out great. I also got a kindle which is probably one of the best gifts I've ever got in my life. I was hesitant at first, but not having to walk to the library or pay late fees or carry 1000 page books filled with Russian asshole words is a blessing.

Ugh. I'm sorry I'm just venting and I have a sneaking suspicion no one is reading my blog, but I'd chock it up to insecure neurotic paranoia, not that I'm really invested in such things but it's nice to get feedback now and then.

Also wanted to extend my loving arm and my heart full of warmth and compassion to all of my troubled brethren.

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhK_P9dPbms

[/QUOTE]

"The modern small home or apartment has ... deprived today's child of ... the pleasant summer afternoon activity of sliding down cellar doors. Just what happened to the slanted cellar door in this efficient age isn't clear; although cellars have remained, nothing has disappeared more quietly from modern life than these cellar doors."

600mg dxm excursion last night to quell a 2 day sleep wrought with drudgery and heavy prescience, as well as scenarios long since forgotten.

For some reason the DXM hit me neutral, neither good nor bad while I tried to keep a straight face at my friend's tattoo shop, watching "From Dusk Til' Dawn." Interesting experience and the dxm allowed me to read into this strange social dynamic the place offers. Very inviting, unique, almost cartoonishly baroque.

If I had more klonopin it would have been euphoric as well as introspective, but alas I've had to taper down to .5 from 2mg because I tripped over my dick and ate too many. Thank goodness I've got 3200mg of neurontin a day to lessen the blow.

Miracle drug that neurontin, but a little unpredictable. They need an extended release version that lets out 25-150 mg per 45 minute interval throughout the day. I hear it's in the works, but I doubt their extended release version would work like that, as they've no notion of the bioavailability and receptor saturation that develops with this weird drug. Maybe they do, and just don't give a shit. Maybe they'll give a shit. We'll pray.

Just a shit ton of neurontin today and one Stella before I get in the shower and walk to work. Looks like a nice day for it and I like my job so I'm pretty good. Maybe this is the start of something on the upswing, I could use a bit of ascension these days.

It turns out that Dell had issued a recall for my model of laptop a few years ago. Last summer my laptop failed because of a defect known to the manufacturer. Briefly, Dell bought capacitors from a fly-by-night electronics company in China. The factory was selling cheap


capacitors built with a stolen recipe-- Their corporate spies had stolen the formula from another that was doing the actual research. This was great for them as far as short term profits go. Only the formula was a prototype. These capacitors are filled with a chemical cocktail that gives them the specific electrical properties that are needed to make them work correctly. But the recipe didn't contain the preservative. So witouth the preservative, the caps will work for a couple of years before swelling up, leaking, and sometimes exploding. The eploding capacitors would be easy enough to repair if that was the only thing that has gone wrong. But their failure caused a chain reaction of electronic failure. They fried my the grahics card and my windows xp partition.
I bought the parts to repair my broken Dell Latitude laptop off Ebay a couple of weeks ago.
ch


Capacitors are easy enough to find on some place like Digikey, but nobody sells the GPU chip.
I have also had to replace the Inverter (fluorescent light balast for the screen) adn the fluorescent light bulb that lights the lcd screen. Another 80 tiny screws


by the time my computer died, the recall had expired. I even contacted Dell, and they refused to repair it or honor the recall /make good on their defective item. I was not notified of the recall. It's not the kind of thing you find out about on your own until the thing breaks and it affects you.

... *Ahem*

Let me just start by saying that Fentanyl sucks.

I probably almost died last night, because I'm an idiot.

Moral of the story: Don't eat an entire 7.5mg fentanyl patch in one big, sloppy lick in an attempt to escape opiate withdrawal. It will make you do stupid shit for a few minutes and then make you pass out with your head hanging at a highly uncomfortable angle, and then probably almost kill you... A high opiate tolerance means NOTHING when it comes to this shit.

The end...

This goes out to all the bluelighters who have put up with my posts and depression over they years. You guys are are the best. Alasdair, dave, Spork, Mariposa, and everyone else that would take to long to thank including Dex and countless others.

This site means the world to me and I want to be here forever, hopefully providing you more and better laughs. Shout out to Lysis. Noodle, and man I can't think of everyone now lol. You are all life savers, and you know why.

Much love, I can't wait to save money for a meetup

Cause I made a vitex tea (D2-like agonists), stimulant depression, and anti-psychotic withdrawls.