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Try to make this short. I became a drug addict starting in 1995. Also the year I had a bad car accident hurting my back making me eligble for pain pills. Did hydro's for years up until 2001. For the next 2 and a half years I took at least 100 mg of methadone a day. I detoxed in 2003 w the help of oc 80's. Snorting them being the only way to relieve the withdrawal from the methadone. Up to 6 80's a day. 2 years ago, I switched to Opana 40's. I take two to three daily by snorting them. My question is to anyone out there who may shed some light on this is this: Because I went straight from methadone to oxy's and on, is it possible that I may still face a long detox like the 14 month detox I had in 2003-04 with methadone or am I just going to face my current crime of the opana? Really like to know before I put myself thru this again!

Thanx,
3amDrive

05-06-201010:48
My actual point in this specific post about sleep was to answer his question about (REM)sleep........

The most important thing is to give the poster of this thread the most information of what I think.
I did not do the best job of explaining so This is more detail....
so he can better understand How reducing a choline decifiency can help your REM sleep.

ACh-the most important inducer of REM sleep because it effects your biological clock...let me break it all down......
with out summing anything up, So that everyone can understand exactly what I am trying to interpret from my brain.

Choline is a very important nutrient...

Choline- compound that is used by the body to synthesize(bind) acetylcholine(neurotransmitter)
Acetylcholine--is a chemical compound meaning- (more than one compound makes up this neurotrasmitter.)
Acetylcholine if the number one neurotransmitter in all autonomic ganglia.
(ACh<--I will use the abbr. for acetylcholine b/c the word to long to keep writing it LOL)

Choline-one of two components of ACh, very important for the nervous system function.
Second component of ACh is ester of acetic acid.
By the way Chloragenic means related to the neurotransmitter acetylcholine.
Anyways..... ACh is made when combining ester of acetic acid and choline.

But just to make this a little more complicated (PA I know this makes you happy) I will go into more detail....

FIrst we need Thioester to happen (combining ester of acetic acid with coenzyme a = acetyl-CoA (acetyl+coenzyme A)
Thioester means combining an organic acid with a enzyme....
Then in the process acetic acid has a proton taken away resulting in = acetate

choline acetyltransferase(organic enzyme) joins together the acetate and choline.
((((Ok Now wahhh Bamm neurotransmitter "acetylcholine(ACh)" is made.))))
ACh- functions- peripheral nervous system (ANS,SNS..etc..)
ACh is a "major" neurotransmitter in the autonomic nervous system.
ACh-has an important role in the enhancement of sensory perceptions<--Important! (for REM, attention, anything regulated by your internal clock AKA autonomic nervous system.....
Sensory perceptions....Are controled by your Autonomic Nervous System

QUOTED from somewhere-->Damage to the cholinergic (acetylcholine-producing) system in the brain is related to memory deficits.
Quote from WIKI-Acetylcholine is the preganglionic neurotransmitter for both divisions of the ANS, as well
as the postganglionic neurotransmitter of parasympathetic neurons. Nerves that release acetylcholine are said to be cholinergic.
In the parasympathetic system, ganglionic neurons use acetylcholine as a neurotransmitter, to stimulate muscarinic receptors.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autonomic_nervous_system

(reason for my Dysautonomia (autonomic nervous system disorder.. comment in my other post)

Also plays a part in the central nervous system as a (neuromodulator).
neuromodulator- process where your neurotransmitters regulate neurons. Neurons-AKA-nerve cell) regulate by releasing chemicals (chemicals with a job)

ACh uses its """cholinergic system""" to enhance the excitatory/inhibitory(arousal and reward) responses of the receptors in the NS.

ACh receptors= Protiens that are a stuck together to help with binding of the ACh neurotransmitter.
"""Cholinergic system" is the use of the acetylcholine receptors. Those receptors are there because of the ACh neurotransmitter..derived from Choline....

ACh receptors(AChR)- nicotinic acetylcholine receptors (nAChR)
(this is the recceptor that is inhibited by PCP which causes damage a little research and i answer my own question but..
it would have been really really nice if someone had just posted it..also It can be reversed...I explained that somewhere already)

Anyways the other major AChR is muscarinic acetylcholine receptors (mAChR)..
BOth of thoughs receptors are the main kinds of cholinergic receptors.(again..cholinergic means part of ACh neurotransmitter)
ACh as a neuromodulator(using its cholinergic system) for arousal and reward in the nervous system.^--remember enhances the response of receptors.


(Why would the fda still make manufactures of baby formula add choline?)
So now with me helping out and being more detailed.....
The reason I feel a deficiency of the nutrient Choline is because )))with out it non of this can happen...Also.......
If you do not have enough Choline or you have damaged a receptor made from Choline.........
Your autonomic clock (autonomic nervous system)--that is controled by your ACh neurotransmitter....Will not work properly which I feel and
research, studies, MD journals.....all show that this could be a major problem with a whole lot of people....And would be one of the major
neurotransmitters affecting REM sleep........................

Can you imagine what is going on with the people with this problem....
))))A dysfunction so small somewhere,somehow in your PNS/CNS((....especially if your problem is caused by voluntary drug use.....

PA Now do I make enough sense for you to understand? I know someone will think this is a specific to make my point........

I have to add-- choline supplement that can cross the BBB- Acetyl-L-carnitine

Beginning

I did not write the "new age" comment.....I believe that REM is affected by a choline (precursor) deficiency acetylcholine deficiency..whatever you want to call it.............also light (sensor behind retina I think..well im pretty sure anyways), stress and other stimulating things can cause melatonin levels to drop so you wouldn't have as much of the hormone made by your pineal gland to stimulate your GABA receptors...so you would not be as tired at night also you would have trouble falling/staying asleep(REM is effected).....

If this is not right someone correct me because I am about to go research this right now....just to make sure....because I don't remember exactly..

Also serotonin think of it more as a over all well being neuro......


Originally Posted by P A
No, you're right. You didn't. I did...



An "acetylcholine deficiency" would leave you in one of two sates - fully paralytic or dead [probably from a cardiac syndrome, but who knows what wacky shenanigans such a ridiculous disorder could cook up?]. Your body requires cholinergic transmission for a lot more than just REM sleep and thinking, and there are quite a few neurons outside of your brain as well. See my posts on New Age "[insert neurotransmitter] reductionism." I'm done raging.



My academically pompous teeth clench. Again, see my above posts.
Since I don't know much about serotonin then whatever you said above prob right(i have not read what you said yet)....

Ok well maybe im wrong about the deficiency (meanings choline (precusor) acetylcholine but I could have swore it could be a cause of people have autonomic nervous system dysfunction, fybromialgia, misdiagnosis of panic attacks etc........

Also studies show that most people are actually deficient in their intake there intake of choline.....

You really need to look into it before just downing something I say....As i said before these are just my own thoughts......after my own research....

If just drives me insane for you to just basically say there is no such thing and basically tell me I have to be retarded to come up with an answer like that..I read way to much .........

So now I hope that you read your post then my answer again and then you will get it.....hopefully.

Does PCP cause damage to the cholinergic system after long term use?..............because it is a alpha-7 nicotinic receptor antagonist.

Do anyone think that maybe the reason PCP causes so many long term effects after long term use is because it destroys the acetylcholine production?

I know the other things it destroys but this one interests me............

Acute anticholinergic syndrome is completely reversible and subsides once all of the toxin has been excreted. Previously, reversible cholinergic agents such as physostigmine were used but this was found to increase the risk of cardiac toxicity. The current recommended treatment is symptomatic and supportive management.

Piracetam, Alpha-GPC and Choline (and other racetams) are known to activate cholinergic system and alleviate cognitive symptoms caused by extended use of anticholinergic drugs.

I been wondering how to make extra money on the side besides prostitution obviously. I have a job but having another source of income would still help me out a lot.... So I was on google and then I remembered I could donate plasma! Woot, how the fuck did I forget about that? I can get around 260 a month if I got twice weekly. So then I thought if I get my mom to join in on this that's 520 dollars a month. We could then use that money with the 400 I get from my father a month to move out of transitional. This plan sounds pretty crazy though..... Of course, it would be nice to just both have jobs and then things would be easier. Besides, I don't know if they drug test every time you go to donate plasma. I mean I could remain sober then go donate, then use and wait for it to get out of my system but then again that would be a hassle.

So SWIM has been taking MDMA since Febuary 2011. I cant believe its been 12 months since my first time! Except for one occasion at a music festival in the summer of '11, taking a pill, SWIM has always consumed MDMA in crystal form wrapping it up in a rizla and bombing it. SWIM cannot remember the exact amount of times SWIM has rolled but it has certainly been no more than ten. SWIM has never taken anymore than the one bomb in a night, so when SWIM comes down SWIM leaves it at that and just enjoys the warm fuzzy feelings before heading off home to bed.

After SWIMS most recent roll SWIM had sex with SWIMS girlfriend the following evening. As much as SWIM went for it SWIM could not achieve orgasm. After a good 45 minutes SWIM gave up knowing this was probably just down to the events of the previous night. But this lead SWIM to wonder about another question... Does MDMA effect a mans fertility if he uses the substance once every month or two for a long period of time. SWIM is curious because if this is the case SWIM will just save the glorious stuff for one or two festivals & new years eve each year. SWIMS thanks you for your time and any answers you can give.

Today my suboxone withdraw is not bad. I took 16 mg last night and reset myself for a new beginning of witty raw. I suppose I gave up. My headaches are gone my body aches are gone. I feel a million times better.

I am about tondo some research on suboxones long turn effects on your brains andtthe paths of neurons... I only there are only studies and not to much on long term effects bt I would still like to learn what I so imoffto do that....

The poetry of this hangover
I don't want to think-
..not hard, anyways.
The scenery and fish, they're bad..
Take another breath, another look and swallow
Holding the hand of hard times
And fallout
It could be worse... my star could fall

Pacified by little things
Tones of beige and green seem
To halt a scream in waiting
All red eyes, all heads thinking
No one says anything I can
Hear down here on the floor,
Where I belong..

Too young to find the horses
Too young fighting causes
I get overwhelmed
And I feel three days old

Another day goes and fails
The people lose control just 'cause
Things are going slow
Your corduroy coat has left you,
Just when you're feeling the wind
And cold
Then comes a rain of old thoughts
That always have to wreck my high
And bring me down

You and I are not the same
You like everything
Arms wave in a spin, blown by
Things I've hated, I've faded to the point
Where I'm not all there
Curled up on the floor
Where I belong

Thought I'd share my experience with stopping a GBL habit. I didn't quite get to 24/7, and I didn't suffer physically when I stopped -- I wouldn't described myself as having been addicted - just weak-willed!

So, before the ban, I got a decent amount of GBL in. It sat in the cupboards barely touched for ages... then I got into it a bit more, taking it a couple of times a week. Found it a nice thing to take to mong out in the evenings. Gradually the frequency increased (as did the dose) to every evening.

My evenings were:
6pm-8pm. get home from work, 1.5ml g straight away. 0.5ml redoses every hour
8pm. Eat dinner
8.30pm. Dose 1ml. Redose 0.5ml 1 hour later. Think "huh, this isn't doing anything, must need more because I've eaten". Redose another 0.5ml. Pass out.
11-4am ish. Wake up. Redose 1ml, 0.5 every hour
4am. Sleep
6am. Wake up due to rebound, go to work


Sometimes I'd take it in the mornings too if I woke up early enough for it to have worn off by the time I had to drive. I did take some to work once, but I was afraid I'd accidentally get fucked, so I didn't actually take any.

My overuse was mostly because I didn't see a problem with doing that every night. I wasn't experiencing epic anxiety during the day, work was going fine, etc.
Mugabe was mostly fine with it until the passing out became more regular, and I started getting much more fucked. I'd get completely out of control -- running around laughing hysterically, and totally *not me*.
After he got upset about this a couple of times, I decided I should stop or at least cut back.

From there my overuse became a lack of self-control, since I did want to stop taking so much.

After a while and another crazy-angelsmoke night, I realised I wouldn't sort this out with self control. So, mugabe found someone to take the majority off our hands, and I kept just a 15ml bottle.
That got me to cut back a bit to make it last.

It ran out 3 weeks ago.
The hardest bit was getting home from work. I'd gotten very used to using G to put myself in monged evening mode. I'd take G and play WoW. So, I tried playing WoW, but I was still in work-stressed mode. I'd feel really miserable and lost - not associating the feeling directly to G, but just sitting there thinking "wuh?".

My general anxiety level did go up quite a lot. My stress levels at work were unchanged. By anxiety in this context, I mean e.g. if I bumped into someone, I'd apologise and scuttle away feeling horrible, rather than forgetting it right away. If I saw talkative people coming out to smoke while I was smoking, I'd go back inside to avoid having to talk.
At home, I was irritable, intolerant, took everything the worst way....

I had lorazapam a couple of times -- it did help with the anxiety but didn't make me miss G any less.

I tried drinking - it was AWFUL!! I just got edgier and edgier. Ended up hugging my knees and rocking back and forth -- mugabe managed to get my mind off it and calm me down a bit, and gave me a benzo. Then I decided I wanted to go out and get some meph. mugabe tried to talk me out of this, on the basis of both "we shouldn't be doing meph" and "you're drunk and benzoed, don't drive". I went mental at him... basically I think my twisted logic was to get him to say "fuck you, go crash your car, I don't care", and to myself I was using the "logic" that he was trying to control me by saying we shouldn't do meph. I didn't just yell, I used horrible personal attacks which really hurt him.
I didn't get any meph, and I have remembered why I don't drink!!! I am not going to be drinking again....
I've read on here people getting some relief from booze when coming off GBL. I'd say
- They probably meant more the physical symptoms than the craving
- If you are usually a bad drunk if you drink when you're unhappy, you probably will be if you try to use it to fill a GBL hole.

So, three weeks on, how is it going?
I don't automatically miss it in the evening anymore. I still do miss it, but I don't feel like crap and at a loose end.
I can't get by on 2 hours of sleep a night - generally getting about 7 hours now!
GBL rebounds made me a bit gobby at work sometimes. Nothing awful but a bit too quick to venture my opinion. Now I can be sure that if I say something impulsively, I'll regret it for the right reasons, and not beat myself up for being 'in a state'.
GBL made me sweat a lot during the day - this has now stopped.
I had an opportunity to buy some yesterday, but I declined. I know I'll have moments where I regret this, but right now I'm pleased with myself. I rarely choose to the right thing when the other option is the "fun thing".
When I stopped abusing meph, I felt a genuine joy at being able to lead a normal life. Doing simple things was awesome. I didn't get this at all with stopping G, because it didn't really prevent me from doing anything I needed to do.
I do lead a fuller life than I did a month ago though. G didn't *stop* me from spending time with friends, but I preferred G to friends. I'd socialise, but I would be thinking "must get home and have G" all the time. It's nice to be able to do stuff without wanting it to be over so I can get back to G.

Some thoughts...
I am really glad I've stopped. It wasn't quite controlling my life, but it was certainly elbowing out other parts of my life.
In January I took a 2 week break from it because we were on holiday in America. Apart from a bit of a weird headache for a while, I didn't miss it at all. I had my first dose on returning home 5 minutes after I walked in the door.
With meph, I didn't know what I was getting myself into, and it all happened so fast..... with G - I *knew* it was addictive, had read lots, and slowly took more and more over a long time. This was STUPID -- I was being STUPID - and if I had used my brain or been a bit stronger then I would have been ok. I am just saying... just because you are aware of the risks, doesn't mean you're immune to them!


What now?
Though I think drug laws are pretty daft, I have to admit that GBL being illegal has helped me. If it was easily available I'd probably have got some more (though I did break a similar habit with alcohol a few years ago). I think that until I can think "ooh, I haven't thought about G in AGES!" I am not ready to have it around again.

Advice
For the other g-habitual people. If you're 24/7ing you're in a different category and you know you have a problem. But for the "I do it a bit too often" people... well, consider if it is interfering with your life at all. Irritating you because you THINK you take too much is included here. Then weigh it all up -- I believe that habits like this become a problem when you DECIDE it is.
Beware that there's usually no going back - if you answer "would you like to take less of it?" with "yes", then try it and find you can't cut down, you'll have a hard time convincing yourself that it's really ok.

Final word
I briefly mentioned that I used to have problems with booze, too. If you're thinking "ye gods, this girl just can't control herself", then yes, you're right and I own up to that. However, mephedrone addiction was something else entirely -- like nothing I have experienced -- so please don't disregard my warnings about it on the basis of me being an unreliable source. I have nothing to gain by lying to you.

So that I'll stop spamming the Cuddle Puddle with my thoughts, I figure I'd bring them here.

I don't know if it's the slight "perception change" that comes with psychedelics (phenethylamines aren't nearly as strong as on tryptamines for me) or if I'm just paying more attention to all sides of my brain instead of repressing the 'less pleasant' side like usual... but I feel that drugs really brings out the true nature of people. If that person is truly awed and curious about things, he just becomes more so. If that person is naturally anxious and just needs help coming out of his shell, his trip will start anxiously before he can reach peace with it. If someone is naturally giving and always concerned with the well-being of others, she'll be more concerned with those around her during the trip than herself. If someone is inherently self-absorbed, however, they will be selfish on their trip. They will not pick up on the cues that others are giving them, or will completely ignore their pleas in favor of their own pleasures or wants.

Perhaps that is a selfish thought of me to have, but I feel (right now at least) as though it is the truth. Rather than sharing the trip with those she is with, my friend T has been playing a game on her computer while talking with people on Skype for the duration of the trip: from dropping to the present. Not just one round, either. She is currently on her fourth. We asked her at the end of the last one to join us, to chill with us, the people with whom she is tripping. But she said "no" since we don't have a clear idea of what we want to do once she stops.

WE JUST WANT TO ENJOY EACH OTHER AND EACH OTHERS' PRESENCES, DAMNIT. I invited her to join us because we done 2C-D together before (about 2 years ago now) and enjoyed it immensely. I don't like listening to these people's voices who I don't know, who I can't see. I feel like I can't let go of myself. I want to listen to soft, mellow music... not the sounds of their harsh language and the sound effects from their violent game. But, I'm too concerned with leaving her in here by herself... as selfish as she's being, I can't remove myself from her presence completely because I don't want her to feel abandoned.

I just want her to realize that we are her friends, here in front of her, and not to ignore us so completely. I want her to feel as concerned for me and my well-being as I do for hers. I think it hurts to know that she apparently doesn't. She seems to be one of those selfish people that I just cannot understand. I don't want this to be a friendship breaker, but I fear it will be. Once a person becomes so aware of another, it is difficult to forget it.

I have not been able to enjoy my trip, because I never felt that I peaked. I cannot truly say I have come down, since I never "came up"...there was certainly an onset, and there are certainly effects, but mentally I am so unaffected...or just negatively so...that I cannot enjoy this. I was so enthusiastic about sharing this experience, I was so excited for the chance to trip on one of my most sentimental substances (2C-D is the first drug experience I shared with my boyfriend, and is partially what brought us together - actually, it could almost be completely attributed to it... but that's an entry for another day)... but I have been let down by the company I chose to share it with, I suppose.

I do not want to be selfish; I do not want to let this keep me from sharing experiences with others in the future, but I fear it will cause me to hesitate further. Tripping is an intimate thing, and no matter how well you think you know someone, it may not be enough...

I am sad.

Lost track over the summer. Here is what I can remember.

34. Dosed 4 hits of believed LSA and went for bike ride over summer.

35. Got a half sheet of the Blue Shivas. One hit is very strong. Dosed with Schoder, Knott and Pat at our house. Fun night.

36. Lolla day 1. Candyflip.

37. Lolla day 2. Candyflip. Mcat.

38. Lolla day 3. Candyflip and Mcat.

39. Northcoast. Candyflip.

40. Northcoast. Candyflip and Mcat.

41. Dosed a few hits with Kern, Lagor, Juarez, etc and went to Topdeck. Was a very weird night. Ended it by sleeping at Foxden. First time in a very long time that I was able to fall asleep naturally without Xan.

There's a spot down in Brooklyn where the Gowanus Canal meets up with Red Hook, and patients from a nearbye methadone clinic line up against the outsides of bodegas and against the fence of a home depot. And that's where I was in the late August of 2010, one mg of Xanax kicking into my system as I sat on a stoop, conversing with some washed out gangster. Suddenly I heard someone yelling out "Bars! Bars! Six for twenty, I got em!" I turned and saw a short skinny Hispanic man ripping down the street, arms failing. The two men I was sitting with rolled there eyes. I got up and approached the man. "six for twenty? That's a good deal."
"yeah, we'll there going fast", he said with a thick Brooklyn accent. The kind you'd expect from a meat butcher.
"well, listen man", I said,"I don't have the money now, but can I get you're phone number? I'll be able to get something together by tonight."
"sure thing, the names Donny."

Later that evening I got twenty five dollars together and called Donny up. He told me to meet him down by 59th street in sunset park, and to make it quick.
I jumped on the train, and twenty minutes later I was outside. The streets were mobbed with teenagers for some reason, and I walked across the street to the corner where Donny told me he'd be waiting.
As I approached, Donny slapped me on the back. "I thought you'd never show kid, c'mon let's get out of here."
We walked down from fourth avenue onto a quite street, and sat down on the stoops of a brownstone. Donny informed me that he only had four bars left, but that he also had a bottle of Norco's and heroin too. at first I just told him I'd take the four bars, because I was pretty damn sure I wouldn't feel a damn thing from the hydrocodone, but then he told me to just take a bag of dope, assuring me that it was real quality shit. I decided why not, I'll just do it one more last time and that would be that.
Well when I got home, I decided to try the dope out, thinking it was probably garbage. I loaded my rig and sent one home. And even though I had taken eight mg of suboxone that morning, I still felt the heroin. I got that nice warm feeling that I've chased since I was eighteen, and of course, I knew that I couldn't quit now, not when I had finally gotten a good connection for some fire heroin.
And I began making nightly trips down to meet up with Donny. The deal
Was that he'd get two bags out of a bundle, and since the dope was good, I didn't mind giving a little bit up.

Soon I began to consume way more heroin then I was comfortable with. My mom at the time thought that I was clean, so she trusted me with her ATM card, and often sent me out to go pick up food, or other household things that we needed. It started off with me just taking an extra twenty out of the machine, but as my appetite for heroin became more insatiable, the numbers doubled, then trippled, and then it got to the point where I'm ashamed to say, I was stealing 100 dollars a day, and man, I hated it so much.
I'd go out, and swear that I was not going to take more money, but it was almost like watching a movie about someone else, like my body became a slave to someone much darker than me.. Or at least that's how I compartememtalized it.

One night I was especially desperate. When I finally left my house, "to go tp a meeting", I rushed down the avenues, as the sickness was beginning to kick in. The sky was dark and ominous, black clouds moved in from the ocean. I passed a father holding his son. The boy said, "daddy, I'm scared!", and so the father started to tickle him, to make him laugh. I hung my head low and felt the syringe in my pocket. I wanted to cry, because I felt like I was no good to anyone. I prayed that no one would ever be so unfortunate as to have me as a father.

I ran down into the train station, and paced back and forth up the empty platform. It seemed like an eternity, but eventually the train came bumbling into the station, and I sat down, looking at the advertisements for Ray Ban sunglasses that were posted above the windows. The adds depicted everything that I hated about American society. Beautiful men and woman dancing in clubs, playing pool, laughing and pointing a finger at the camera. I began to feel better. Now I had a reason to get high. I drove further into my imagination, and suddenly I was a voyeur at one of those clubs, watching as my ex-girlfriend got picked up by a muscular red head who would be named Brett. And I followed them into the bathroom, where Brett pulls out a bag of blow, and my ex rails a huge line and starts tugging at his cock.

The train lurched to a stop, I was almost there. I got up and held on to a poll because I was too desperate with anticipation to sit still. I looked to my left and I saw a drooling homeless man, swearing to himself. He put his hands into the pocket of his hoody and pulled out a few wax bags of heroin. He looked up at me and grinned, saying, "you like it, right?"
the train pulled into the 59th street station. I rushed outside and called up Donny, who told me to meet up with him across the street. As i approached him, he smiled and looked at me, his pupils as large as saucers. "so what is it you want today kid?"
"a bundle, and a fourty piece of coke."
"Allright, we'll get the smack first."

As we walked down towards third avenue, I handed over my money to Donny. He began rambling about how there were cops everywhere. It was pretty obvious that he'd been smoking crack.
We got down to the avenue, which is really huge and dark, as it's situated underneath a highway. Donny told me to wait on the steps of a closed down Ellectrical appliance shop, insisting that I wouldn't look suspicious. Then he walked briskly down the street towards second ave. until I couldn't see him anymore. As I waited on the stoop, smoking cigarette after ciggarette, I became very paranoid. Every car that passed by seemed to be an undercover, and I was just waiting to get questioned. A young Prostitute passed me and asked for a ciggarette. I handed one over and sat back down. I began to think that maybe, just maybe I didn't stick out like a sore thumb, and that perhaps the drugs had taken enough of a toll on my body, that I was physically indistinguishable from any other strung out fool that hung out down here. As sick as it was, the idea gave me comfort.
Suddenly Donny crept up on me. "shit man, I thought something happened to you", I said. "I always come back. You should know that by now Zachity-Zach, now c'mon, let's go get that blow."
I followed Donny a few blocks further towards the direction of 60th st, and he dropped me off at a Small bodega, while he ran inside a dingy brownstone building. After ten minutes he came back up the street, and crossed to the opposite corner, gesturing me to follow him.
Once I caught up with Donny, it was really obvious that he was upset. "Oh Jesus, Zach, the cops are everywhere man! I'm not going back to jail for two bags of dope man, it just ain't worth it!" I started to become concerned myself, wondering if he was really just paranoid or trying to get me to give him more drugs, something I was not willing to do. We got to 54th st where one of his friends had a house that Donny had the keys to. When we got to the top of that block Donny insisted that we run down to the house, because the cops were sure to get us if we took our time walking down the street. So the two of us began sprinting, the whole thing seeming so fucking rediculous and conspicuous. If there's one thing that is incredibly suspicious, it's two guys running down the street of a drug infested neighborhood.
Donny let me into the downstairs apartment of a small building and told me to wait in the hallway. He walked into the kitchen, and into the living room, where I could here the sounds of a loud Spanish Soap Opera resonating. I heard Donny whispering something in Spannish, and then the other man who I couldn't see, started yelling. Donny muttered, "mother fucker", and then walked towards me, and threw the drugs into my hand. I asked him if I could use the bathroom, and he said no.

So I walked out of the front door of the apartment, cursing to myself. The difference in the quality of heroin that Donny could get compared to the dope my owne dealers offered, no longer seemed worth the effort or the risk of hanging out with this maniac. I walked up to fourth avenue, and into a Spanish restaurant that I had become a regular at. I sat down at a stool, ordered some toast and a coffee, and then asked for the key to the bathroom, like I always did. I went in, and pulled out my gear, mixed a speedball up, and blasted away. I came back to my stool, and my mind was at ease. I flirted with the waitresses, and complimented the chef, exclaiming that "this was the best toaste I've ever had the honor to eat!" They all smiled at me, and when I was done I left a seven dollar tip

And that was the last time I copped dope with Donny.

Occasionally I'd run into him down by the methadone clinic, and I even designed a tattoo for him, which he got done on his chest. But for the most part, Our arrangement was over.I eventually found a connection for dope that was just as quality as his source, but my dealer lived on the corner of my owne block.

I can't think of anyway to end this eloquently, so I won't. That's it. The end.

I know when I can feel a sense of oppression. People try and figure out who and what I am. What I’m related to is nothing less than society’s lowest level. Regarded as scum.

For that, I truly hate the person I have become. The person I’m portrayed as.

But am I really? Given my knowledge of psychology and expertise in herbal supplements, I am highly offended by anyone that talks behind my back, against me; do not get me wrong, I am no angel. My history is far from stellar from an average person’s point of view, however these gossips do it out of ignorance. They lack the level of knowledge years of research has given me. I want nothing more than someone to debate with.

Arrogant. Yes, for a good cause. I can fix a person’s life in ways a psychiatrist never could. If people only took my advice. I only do this to help people. Others demand money. Psychiatrists are a gamble. Many times they want nothing more than to make you pay for their services, then pay more to become addicted to their medication; most individuals do not have any clue as to what the medication does. I get no money for my job. I merely want to help those in need.

I can say I have an impersonal love for people. That’s why I never get angry in person. That is why I want to help people and pursue medicine.

Well, I've been ignoring my blog for the past few days, sorry my frequent visitors.. You know who you are! thank you for reading!!

I talked to my best friend about her upcoming wedding (The one where I'm definite Maid of Honor..oh, and someone asked in my previous blog about whether she was a Maid or Matron of Honor and I did find the difference in my handbook! A Maid of Honor is someone single.. And the Matron is a married woman who has sex on a regular basis, that's what it said! The book, The Bridesmaid's Guerilla Handbook, says "The job description is the same, but tradition dictates this distinction (1) so the best man will know if he can cop a feel during the first dance, and (2) so the women can point and murmur 'What a shame...always a bridesmaid, never a bride.'". But I'm still not really sure if the first distinction is whether she's a "Maid" and "single" making it ok, or whether she's a "Matron" and "experienced" so she won't be offended if the Best Man cops a feel. It's kinda hard for me to tell, lol. The book is great, it's very sarcastically written too! I'd recommend it!

So we're planning on going to a bridal expo soon, that should be fun! Don't really know exactly what's gonna be there, but I have and idea.

Here's my idea for the Bachelorette!! My best friend is really into witches and Halloween is her favorite Holiday, she loves dressing up and having parties. Her date is November 3, so I suggested to the Bridesmaid (only gonna be her and me) that we do a Witches Excursion (I don't really know what that is, but I figured going to Salem, MA on Halloween would be great!!) So that's what we're planning, not telling the Bride of course!

I do have a question for all, I want to go Halloween weekend or if it's on a weekend, that day and stay the night. The only bridesmaid said that the week before the wedding is very hectic, which I totally understand. She's done this before, I haven't..so I guess she'd know. But I thought traditionally the Bachelorette and Bachelor's parties were either the night or two before the wedding to celebrate "their last single night?" please correct me if I'm wrong!

The best man is planning Vegas trip for a month before, which they'd be going for longer than a night, so I get that. Well looking at a calendar, the 31st is a Wed and would be two nights before the ceremony, but maybe the 27/28? The other girl suggested two or three weekeps before which would be either the 13/14 or the 20/21. Out of those I'd rather the 20/21.. Closer to the day, Halloween too, etc.. So I guess I'm just asking what people think? Anyone have experience that can share? Good/horror stories? Anything that could help me decide when to set the date for?

I'm wicked excited, and can't wait!!

Thanks for the help!

Holy crap I totally love this freaking song. I am starting to understand it in the native German. The video kicks fucking ass.

Rammstein is somewhat a new thing for me. I have immensely enjoyed many of their songs.



http://youtu.be/HM_pkxOIqeQ

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dehumanization

It scared me how much that describes me these days. It's true. I've become dehumanized. I feel like a shell of a person these days.

And the abuse has escalated too. Mostly verbal. But I'm being slandered by different people all over the internet, harassed non-stop, threatened, etc. Today it was really bad and I wanted to cry SO BAD, but I just couldn't. My emotions are slowly being sucked away from me too. I'm becoming desensitized to these things because I'm growing used to them, and I don't like it. It still hurts me - a lot - but I can't react anymore. It's like I disconnect myself from what's going on in a way, and I go hide in some part of my mind, and it's not really me who's responding that calmly and saying those things.

And the thing is, my main assailant at this point in time is the only witness i had for my case. He'll inevitably go against me now and take her side, and I'll lose the case. And if this happens, my life will be over. Literally. I will become a human vegetable.

The attack and the aftermath already fucked with my brain so much. And this abuse is fucking with me so much. And the thing is, I was raped in the past and when I reported it, they made the official story that I was lying and told me to shut up and not talk about it unless I wanted to get NJP'ed again. All because they didn't want one of their Drill Instructors to look bad. And so I kept it to myself for over two years, the authorities never helped me, I got no help for it at all. And another time, this guy pulled a gun on me. I called the cops the second I was able to get out of his house, but he was able to stash the gun somehow so they couldn't find it when they got there and the charges were dropped. Just like that. Both of those events traumatized me and they still affect me, but what haunts me the most is that the people who are supposed to protect you from the ones who are hurting you, didn't.

Because I've been a victim of crime and haven't been helped for it, even though I've tried, it's made me lose a lot of faith in the system. And I know that kind of stuff doesn't happen to others. Other victims get the help they need. It makes me feel like I don't deserve help. Like my feelings and my life are just so easily disposable that even the people who are supposed to protect me stomp all over me. Needless to say, I never got help for that either.

So the thing is... I can't have that happen again. I just can't. The charges for the assault were closed because the stupid cop wrote down the wrong phone number and couldn't get a hold of me. So there's strike number one. That's the third time now where I've been severely harmed and the people who should be helping me have just tossed me to the side like a rag doll. I guess you can't understand what it's like to be a victim, and to see your assailant get off scott free, and how haunting it is just imagining the smugness they feel, that they were able to hurt you for the rest of your life.

I just... if this case is lost... I won't be able to bear it. My emotions and mental state are already deteriorating. I barely feel human anymore. More like a shell of a person. I can't even fucking cry anymore, even though I desperately need to. I've never been at such a low point before. I just want to cut myself off from society, never have any friends, never talk to anyone, never leave my house, never ever ever do anything or interact with anything that could possibly hurt me like this ever again.

So I'm lost. I don't know where to go from here. But I don't want to become a human vegetable either. I want to be able to enjoy life again and be happy and do something good with my life. I don't want to walk around in a daze, not caring about anything at all, not even caring about myself, just going through the motions and waiting to die. I KNOW that's what will happen. Because I'm already so close to being there in that state as it is.

And it sucks because if it comes to that, there's no way to fix it. No drug could possibly fix that. THat's not what anti-depressants and the like are designed for. You can't fix what isn't broken. I almost wish these feelings WERE brought on my some abnormality in my brain chemistry... but they're not. It's all a result of too much trauma throughout my life, too much at the same time, too much for one person to shoulder by herself, just too fucking much of everything. It's a result of being overwhelmed to the max. My brain chemistry isn't changing - I'm changing. My attitude and the way I view the world and the way I see things and people and look at certain situations. And there is no drug for that. I would have to have a lobotomy or something. Which doesn't sound like a bad idea, actually...

Well I have nothing else to say I guess. But I have zero faith and trust in every single human being on this planet right now. And I wish I could cry. But yeah other than that, I don't know what else to say.

Bye.

I have decided... to decide whether or not to stay on Bluelight. I don't know. The jury is still out.

On the one hand, Bluelight has been beneficial to me in the past. A few of the people here are alright. I enjoy reading and posting in forums. I know people that go on this site IRL.

But on the other hand, I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past my hatred for senior staff and the administrators that run this site. This is the fourth time they've kicked off a perfectly good staff member for no reason other than they've decided they don't like them all of the sudden, and then given a bullshit story about why they did it to the public. First C.H... then Dokomo... then Cane... and now me. All perfectly good moderators, exceptional even. And yet all in the wrong place at the wrong time, or harmlessly said the wrong thing (in my case, sticking up for C.H when senior staff was bashing on him in a modthread.)

C.H wasn't kicked off because he's "mentally unstable". I know C.H in person. C.H is perfectly stable. C.H was kicked off because muvolution, ocean, and a few other senior staff members don't like him as a person. Just like Cane was kicked off staff for doing something he didn't do, just like I was kicked off staff for being friends with C.H

You seeing a pattern here yet?

Regardless of whether Bluelight is real life or not, it still pisses me the fuck off. Because I know people on here IRL. Because it makes me look like an idiot. I mean, really, who's going to believe me over a story senior staff concocted? No one. Because being kicked off staff automatically discredits any respect people had for you. Because they kept my e-mail address in the database and I continue to get moderator e-mails and because the reason they gave me in my official "we are kicking you off staff" message was such bullshit - it's obvious they're letting me continue to receive moderator emails for my old forums and told me I was getting kicked off for inactivity was simply to taunt me. They knew I would know the "inactivity" thing was bullshit. They knew I would consider those e-mails spam from now on, yet they continue to flood my inbox anyway. Why? I have no use for them. And because I put in countless time and, over the last few months, actual physical ENERGY into moderating this site. So many hours, so much energy I could have spent on things that matter. Not tagging fucking substance codes into every single post, or combing through posts to report, or helping them find a new moderator for NMI (which they suddenly decided they didn't want me to do anymore once I stuck up for C.H... hah. Fucking bastards.)

Yeah. I'm not sure I can get over that ever. I don't feel like explaining it all on here. Doesn't really matter if you guys believe me or not anyway - I know what my activity level was, and I know it was actually a vast improvement in the week leading up to being kicked off, and so do they. The way I was kicked off staff was heartless, cruel, petty, and twisted. Nothing good. The way you guys see it doesn't matter to me in terms of my deciding to stay here. No offense, because I really really appreciate your comments in my previous blog post. It's just that I DO know what happened, and I'm always going to remember what happened, and why, and my view of this site has been severely tainted because of it.

You know, they didn't even ASK me if I wanted to be considered "Bluelight Crew"? They just went ahead and did it? It's something small, but it shows me just how much they take other people's feelings into account while they're marching around like Nazis and making decisions for people. It disgusts me, to be honest. I'm disgusted by every single person on senior staff and the administrative team. Like really, how are you going to kick people off staff for sticking up for someone (I'm sorry - for "inactivity" and so-called "mental instability" and supposedly "hacking into Bluelight's system"), when you're the ones who are mentally unstable... when YOU'RE the ones directly violating Bluelight's rules yourself. How's that little drug ring you've got set up through here going for ya, anyway, administrators? Finding lots of good drugs? I hope so. I'd want to be high all of the time if I was as horrible of a person as you guys are too. And what about you, all-powerful senior staff member - have you recovered from your recent suicide attempt? They giving you some good drugs for YOUR mental instability? I hope so. I'd want to be high all of the time if I were as horrible of a person as you too.

Oh, how I would love to name names right now. It would be the perfect way to expose some of you for who you REALLY are. But at the end of the day, I'm only petty enough to tell people what you're doing. Not so much who you are. And as much as I hate you, I still wouldn't want to be responsible for getting anyone arrested. And yes, I did say hate. You guys are responsible for turning Bluelight into a place where I felt safe and welcome and viewed as a sort of second home, to a place that I feel like I want to avoid like the plague and now view as a dysfunctional, shady dictatorship. You did this only hours after I watched my grandmother die, while I'm in the middle of a lawsuit because someone tried to kill me. I'm always going to associate you with those two things. Which means I'm always going to hate you. Disgusting, heartless, losers, etc... there aren't enough words in the English vocabulary to describe how I feel about you, admins and senior staff. Point taken anyway? Good.

But not you, NT. Only because you're friends with C.H. That's about enough to make me not despise you... as much. Enough to not want to put any of your shit on blast anyway.
Alright. Enough ranting about the people who run this site. I'm sure they're insignificant IRL life anyways. That's probably why they take on such a Nazi persona on here... it makes them feel better about themselves...

So I guess at the end of the day, it's hard for me to stay here. That's what this blog was supposed to be about before I started my little rant. I want to stay here, but I can't. I don't view this site as anything positive anymore. There's just too many bad memories associated with it. For me, it was just another source of stress I had to deal with in the past few months, and it ended up being all for nothing. In a way, that makes it even worse than the lawsuit and my grandmother passing away. At least at the end of the lawsuit I'll be getting something out of it... at least I know my grandmother isn't suffering anymore. What has Bluelight given me?

That's right, nothing. Except for an increased distrust of people in general. And stress. And bad memories. Really, guys. Way to uphold your "harm reduction" mission. Bra-fucking-vo. You guys have successfully flushed Bluelight's mission down the drain. And not just for me, but for other people I know as well, who I won't name here. But trust me when I say this, people on senior staff - you ALWAYS... without fail... do more harm than good. You should be the ones leaving your positions. Not people like me, or C.H, or Cane, or Dokomo - people who actually cared about harm reduction. People who were moderators FOR harm reduction, not because we wanted power. Basically, people who are the opposite of you. But the fact that you're there... and we're not, all because you decided to judge us as people as opposed to judging us as moderators... you guys make me fucking sick. For real. That's the nicest thing I can say about you guys. Inactivity, my ass. I can name about five people who have been inactive longer than me, or who have been in the past, and you never did a damn thing about it. You guys are... despicable.

I'm done addressing them. Back to the topic at hand.

Maybe I just need some time to cool off? I don't know. Somehow I doubt that will help. Bluelight has been going downhill fast. Bringing all the wrong people on staff, taking the wrong people OFF staff, DEFINITELY bringing the wrong people on as senior moderators. The Bluelight system is so fucked up, so dysfunctional... this isn't harm reduction anymore. It presents a good front, but unfortunately, I know that it hasn't been about harm reduction for a long time. In the staff forums, it's all about being power-hungry and vengeful. That's all it is. Bluelight has turned into every other drug forum out there. Erowid might be the only legit harm reduction site left. It's sad. It's disgusting. I don't know if I can come back here and act like everything is the same. Nothing is the same anymore. It won't be, no matter what anyone says or does.

I think I hate the people running this site too much to enjoy Bluelight anymore. I wish I had never been a mod. I wish I had stayed ignorant to what Bluelight was really about. I wish this didn't have to happen, so I wasn't forced to look at things for what they really are. At the very least, I wish I had taken heed to everyone's warnings in the beginning, when I was first brought on staff. I wish I had finished stepping down before they were able to kick me off. (Bet you didn't know that part, did you? That I was stepping down? I only agreed to stick around for the application process because they asked me to. Does that tell you anything? Because it should.)

And that's another reason the whole thing is so twisted and sick. Because they just HAD to get to me before what was MY decision in the first place was complete. Maybe they even asked me to stick around for the mod application process so they could do just that. Blindside me and let everyone think it was actually THEIR idea, even though it never was. In fact, they more or less begged me to stay on staff. Fucking. Despicable.

I'm done here.

Omg you sound just like me. When I was younger my mother put me in a mental hospital and they drugged me for years. I have been on everything. And it has really messed me up. Along with abuse as a child. I'm pretty screwed myself. I'll always be an addict to. I got clean in feb 2011 but have relapsed three times last year for a weeks at a time and the last time I was on IV diludid because of a surgery but ended up addicted and lying about my pain level to receive more diludid and phenergan and stayed in the hospital a week on them and went home with perc's.

So I am now only clean since 11-1-11 and I suffer some bad panic attacks a few times a day and sometimes I wake in attacks. Some last for an entire day.. They are no joke ya know..

Made the mistake of celebrating my recovery from opiates by taking 4 Barrs not smart. Ended up going to jail suspended license.... And suspected of being high.... Bad choice sat in jail for four hours as the cop contemplated taking me to county jail. Horrible day....

Doing better today took meds as I'm supposed to along with suboxone.

Made a miskate of drinking today with my Xanax still I'm system and for wasted uh

So disjointed in myself now... And so in everyone else...

I could not figure out how to add to my earlier post so I will have to start again. I took 20 grams of kratom earlier and then around 5 hours later took about 2 mgs of a sub film. I did not know what would happen but the sub overrode the kratom and I got full affects from the sub. No precipitated withdrawal. If anyone can tell me how to add to a previous post, I would really appreciate it.

Well, I'm taking my evening dosage of suboxone now. I finally got on Medicaid so I can afford to get the two mg strips instead, which is going to be fucking awesome. I'm sick of cutting the brittle eight milligram ones into sixteenths, it's such a god damn nuisance. And my dosages, .5mg, is so small that it occasionally just gets lost in my mouth which is exactly what happened this morning. I must have ended up swallowing most of it because I started to feel some slight withdrawal symptoms hit me an hour ago. But whatever, I used a mirror this time so I know this dose will hit me nicely. But fuck you R&B, youre a bunch of money sucking shit heads, praying off the sickness of millions.

Anyway, I've had a good day so far. It's my fathers birthday today so I helped my mom bake him a chocolate cake, which surprising turned out very well. But Jesus, I calculated the collected coloric content of all the different ingredients, and one sixth of this thing is approximately 4000 calories. Now isn't that something?

I had some friends over from my outpatient program this afternoon and we watched a few episodes of True Blood, a show that I'm liking more and more. When I first started watching it I was a bit skeptical to be honest. I'm really not a fan of vampires honestly (though I do like the first two Anne Rice novels) and feared that True Blood was going to turn out to be a sort of X-rated version of the god awfull Twilight series. The first few episodes were interesting but a little hard to take seriously. The idea of vampires fighting for equal rights just seemed kind of retarded. But a few more episodes in I began to appreciate the absurdity of the show, and see that it's sort of meant to be tongue and cheek.
One thing that I really love about it though is the overall look, or atmosphere I should say. I've always been sort of scared but fascinated by the south, and True Blood really plays that up. And some of the dream sequences are just outright beautifully macabre. Some might not see this, but I feel that it's visually very similar to the feel of the second Evil Dead film, and relies on skillful cinematography to create an eerie atmosphere, rather than expensive computer graphics, that we see in a lot of recent horror films, which to me often look more corny and fake than the costumes and stop motion animation used in films like Evil Dead and the first Nightmare on Elm St.
Anyway, I've got a new project to work on which is good. Im Illustrating the cover for my friends bands first record, which is a privelage and an honor.(plus I'm getting paid.) I've gotten really into using ink washes and light grey charcoal on sienna tinted paper, it's a great way to turn a shitty sketch into what can pass as a pretty nice illustration without having to do to much work, which is great as I'm always into finding an easier softer way. I'd put some images up here but I don't know how, so I'll just leave my art blogs website, maybey get some good criticism, i know a lot of bluelighters tend to be creative people.

So here it is:
Www.zachhorvath.blogspot.com

Oh, and just a final passing thought. Everyday I start to freak out that the powers that be are going to ban RC's altogether. I feel that since I'm not using now, this idea shouldnt bother me, but instead it fills me with terror. The idea of a day when you no longer have the freedoms to buy pretty quality legal stimulants is just to dull and depressing to comprehend.

Before I started using drugs (at age eighteen) I had major depressive disorder and extreme social anxiety. And that's it. My symptoms started when I was about 10. My disorders were definitely caused by part nature and part nurture.

NURTURE: I was home schooled since the middle of first grade. I had next to no social contact with my peers. My parents were very overprotective and would not allow me to leave the house without parental supervision until I was eighteen. I spent most of my time alone in my room listening to the radio (we had no TV). At age 13 out of depression, angst, and boredom I started getting into cutting as a release and form of entertainment. I also adopted the goth culture and became obsessed with Marilyn Manson and all that good stuff. Also the culture in my family has always been very distant. We don't talk about emotions. We don't show affection. My parents never have hugged or kissed me or told me they loved me.

NATURE:
-My mom had major depression as a teenager and into her 20s, then it changed to more Dysthymic depression as she got older. She definitely has general anxiety, particularly concerning my safety and finances. But despite her financial concerns she has never had a job since marrying my dad, my theory is it's the depression sapping her of motivation to work outside the home.
-My dad is like a non-entity. He rarely shows emotion, he never talks about anything even remotely personal. He make's my mom make all the decisions then criticizes her decisions. Very manipulative and psychologically abusive, imo. Even though my dad was technically always there I feel like I grew up without a dad.

It's extremely hard to get an accurate psychological diagnosis while one is using drugs, even those prescribed for psychiatric conditions. And with severe cases it is difficult to keep someone off meds long enough to get an accurate assessment of symptoms due to potential suicide/homicide/law breaking behavior. That would have to be done in an inpatient facility for sure.

Since I was 18 I have been abusing a whole array of different drugs (meth, heroin, coke, E, Acid, etc, etc) and been on countless psych meds (zoloft, seroquel, trileptal, welbutrin, klonopin, adderall, etc,etc,). Since I started using drugs I have been diagnosed as Rapid-Cycling Bi-Polar, Dysthymia Depression, Major Depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Social Anxiety, General Anxiety, ADD, Panic Attacks, and Borderline Personality Disorder.

~The Bi-Polar symptoms were primarily an issue when I took a break from meth after a year of near daily use.

~The dysthymia is my normal state when I don't feel like killing my self or slicing up my arms.

~The Major Depression is when I do feel like doing those things. Often associated with events that happen in my life that trigger that deep depression, or with guilt I feel about past events.

~The Seasonal Affective disorder is prolly just the depression from not being able to get out and find drugs because of the weather. lol, jk. No my depression is worse in extremes of weather, both winter and summer.

~My Social Anxiety is extreme. I am constantly on the verge of a panic attack when I'm around other human beings in any capacity, unless I am high. This includes when I am around close friends and also my family. It is intolerable and why I rarely leave the house sober.

~General Anxiety. I just worry about everything: the house catching on fire, getting a blot clot, my parents dying, me dying, my dog dying, it snowing so much i can't escape the house, etc.

~ADD. I definitely don't have the hyperactive part (ADHD). But I do have trouble focusing. I think it is purely drug related. Either I am too high to focus or I'm sober and too depressed to focus.

~Panic Attacks. I've had about 3 all out panic attacks in my life. One was directly drug related. The others were related to my social anxiety. Of course I lie to my psychiatrist and make it seem much worse so I can keep getting Klonopin.

~Borderline Personality Disorder. Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe this is an Axis II disorder in the DSM IV. An umbrella disorder that can encompass a variety of Axis I disorders (the disorders mentioned above). I went through the diagnostic criteria for this disorder with a psychologist I had been seeing for over 2 years and I fit every one of the possible symptoms. BPD is a controversial diagnosis because it is a quick label to slap on someone with a variety of problems. It is often inaccurately applied to people, as ADD is for convenience.

(ADD side note: read the diagnostic criteria in the DSM IV for ADD/ADHD. The wording used to describe the symptoms is so vague literally ANYONE could be diagnosed with it. I'm not kidding.)

As a drug user I definitely have BPD. Before using drugs I think maybe some of the warning signs were there, but the drugs brought it out full bore.

If I got totally off all substances I wonder if I would return to just having Major Depression and Social Anxiety? Or have the drugs fucked my brain so much that these other diagnoses have merit? It's an interesting question. It is very possible that the BPD started pre-drug with the cutting and goth obsession, and the drugs just escalated it to full blown BPD.

If any of you had the patience to read this whole thing (or even part of it) I would be very interested to hear any comments or questions

Ive never thought much about blogging, but as of now there is not much going on in my life, and perhaps it would be good to have a place to post my thoughts. I usually do this thing in my sketchbook, but whatever, Ill try it out here..

So, I've been clean for about 118 days now, a month of which was spent in Long Island College Hospital, being prodded with syringes by novice phlebotomists and student doctors. It was horrible I tell you! But I guess in the end it brought me to where I am today, writing a blog on bluelight, using my ipad2 which I still havnt pawned off yet.... Ooh, the things I sold for drugs.
I spend so much time on this site, which is a funny thing for me really, as I hate Sofia networking, and am avidly against using facebook, god forbid I be hunted down by some unhappy ex-girlfriends, but for some reason I feel different about bluelight. I mean, I really love this website, this community, dare I call it that, but it's truly how I feel. The only "groups" where I ever felt like I belonged have been in rehabs, next to methadone clinics, and here. I feel a genuine compassion for all of you, or at least the few that I have posted along side with in the OD forum. It's kind of silly, but really, it's just pretty cool. Sometimes I question myself as to what I'm doing, cruising these forums about extracting fentanyl and injecting oxymorphone. I sit and feel guilty about it to be quite honest, as I know that if any of my counselors from the current outpatient that I go to, would frankly shit there beautiful pants, if they knew I was engaging in such topics. But I kind of believe that this whole thing is not about how to get the biggest rush, or how to defeat the new oxycodone time release. Sure, it's there, but there's something of more substance really, because I know that when I was using, and visiting this site, I definately learned a few things that might have saved my life, or at least a limb or too. And that's not to say that I didn't engage in the filthy junky activitys that you hear of in the rooms of NA,I've shared needles, I've shared cookers, I've shot up Benadryl and suboxone WITHOUT a micron filter (not smart) and I've injected every research chemical I've ever gotten my hands on, more than once resulting in psychotic paranoia, but through it all I at least had some information about what it was I was actually doing. And after spending a month in a hospital bed because I shot coke with a dirty needle, and my best friend came down with Hep C, well I actually think that harm reduction is really, incredibly important, and I'm sure this site has saved lives.
So yeah, bluelight is what's up.

Anyway, being clean.. Or clean on suboxone I should say, for the purists.. It's going pretty well. My outpatient program is pretty good, and I've met quite a few good friends, who for once, have all stayed sober thus far. I'm not going to many meetings quite honestly, because though 12 step programs have helped thousands of people, and kept me clean once for 9 months, this time around, I just can't get into it. I don't know what it is, but whenever I enter those rooms now, it just makes me want to use more. It's weird because the only other period of sobriety that I've ever had, like I said above, was due in large part to AA and NA, but now I almost am repulsed by the whole thing. Perhaps it's because my mom, who is now in al-anon, is absolutely crazy about the 12 steps, and though I get along with my mother pretty well now, I think I stil have that teenager instinct to despise everything she finds great. I'm just going to go with my outpatient and my friends for now, and see how things go.

But Jesus Christ, sometimes I just miss it so god damn much. Especially cocaine for some reason. I mean, there is just nothing that I've experienced so far into sobriety, that gives the incredible excitement of sitting in my downstairs bathroom, lit dimly by a bare bulb, and holding up a syringe filled with cocaine up to my face, flicking the air bubble up the bubble, knowing that in the next few seconds, things are going to get intensely strange.

But I guess the whole problem to begin with is misinterpreting pleasure for happiness. I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with baking cakes and watching episode after episode of whatever my new favorite show on Netfix is. Oh, and writing my posts on bluelight of course.

That's it for today

I took 10 grams of kratom around 5 hours ago and I just popped 2mgs of sub film. I will post later to let everyone know what happens. Hopefully no precipitated WD.