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Had sum x last night never rollrd b4 but i dont think i was just concentrated on one thing nd havent slept yet. Any questions or comments on what i ate would help

k so im trying to find out what i should do about what this thing on my hand is that i can only assume is an abscess cuz ive never had one. its red, puffy and warm. was hot and red, so thats good. i drained it as much as i could with my rigs and got some nasty brownish shit *maybe left over h sitting there).
so im hoping for advice to help this thing heal.
(tried to put pic up but to no avail.)

anyone who has had a similar thing happen and lived to tell the tale i would love to hear from.
thx everyone.
~D~

a story, almost complete by 5 chapters, has 31 already lmfao, combines the thought process with reality and fantasy, much like an enerant world of delusions much so to speak of, YEah its weird but i give a preview of the first chapter,




AN ELABORAT DREAM:
THE SOUND OF MADNESS JUST WAITING TO BE HEARD
BY COREY STEWART





CHAPTER 1: ENDLESS POSSIBLILITIES

One thought, swallowed down with every shred of pride. Holding the last breath, exhaled from the glimpse of every try. One dream, contained by warped delusions. A Fantasy, one must depict to escape a dull reality. A version of the truth bent by the force of a fictitious gravity. Remaining a constant change, a variable subjected to distortion by the human mind. Such easily gained abilities by the dramatic events of our past. We must revise what’s been already been written to alter our present perception, ...........................................................

wow, i found this screenshot on an old hard drive from my older computer. nostalgia

nothing to see here

Oh dear lord. I do not remember writing those posts last night. I had consumed a very large amount of alcohol

need to score ASAP- Staten island NY

I'm sitting listening to the bucket by kings of leon.

I miss him so much it hurts.

Whatever I do feels like it drifts away and I want to see him.

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

I miss him so much I feel sick. I miss Alan. I want Alan. Now.

Well today's been pretty cool. I slept ten hours last night without any valium, codeine or other drugs in my system... I did have almost a bottle of wine in there but I think I forgive myself that.

Got up in the afternoon and it was snowing pretty heavily so I got bundled up and went to the supermarket and bought some food in for the weekend. Got another bottle of wine which I've not opened yet... there was one glass left in the bottle from last night so I'm seeing how I get on with that.

When I got back I was posting some music on Facebook (I have a niche following of people that listen to my tunes which is kind of cool!!) and I did a search on Youtube for tunes by Salem which resulted in finding a few sick as fuck mixes he did, which are all really fucked up and all kinds of amazing. Not for the faint of heart and the neighbours will be hating me for the bass... but it was worth it. Am listening to "Raver Stay Wif Me" which is a mixtape he did, it's so skewed... not to everyone's taste as it goes from slowed down AliceDJ into dragged out hip-hop into rotterdam hardcore. Ear bleed material to be sure.

I've just had a good session on the guitar. My singing and playing is starting to really sound good. I'm really happy with it at the moment. Unless it's amphetamines drugs and booze tend to make me sound terrible and I can't find the co-ordination to play. At Halloween I blew Blackie and Debbie away with my Adele cover of "Someone Like You"... I stripped the melodrama out of it and sang in my own accent not a pseudo american accent which gave it something really special I think. I was off my face on base at the time... amphetamines make me "me" but better!

Tonight's song was "Speak to me Someone" by Gene. Gene are so similar to the Smiths yet different... I love Martin Rossiter's voice. I've developed a habit of playing the chord sequence of a song over and over then bringing the words in. I only have to look at a chord sequence once and I remember it which is something I think I inherited from my Dad. i've got a lovely Fender Telecoustic but I tend to play on my old acoustic guitar because it sounds better in here... I need more space and a small amp for the Telecoustic.

My mate's just about twisted my arm into going out... I'm so tempted...

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I'm going on a dope run with my friend in the afternoon today. We will be meeting this other girl I know and getting bags from her dealer, eleven total. So I just hope we don't get busted when driving in the city or any where for that matter. At least we didn't have to go to philly this week because of all the staties flooding the area right now and I don't feel like calling my mother to bail me out of jail. Other than that we're going to go to a diner and probably just get a pot of coffee, just to talk and what not. I don't think I will be able to eat because today I couldn't even do that. I have horrible cramps and my antidepressant was upped so I'm feeling sick which means if I add heroin on top of that its going to be another no go. It doesn't really bother me though, I just don't want to end up puking my guts out. I never have before but I feel like this time I will and I'm not looking forward to it but this is going to be really good dope, making it worth it. In the end I'm just happy that this deal will be safe and I don't have to bring a knife with me. Had to do that shit the last time because I was copping from strangers. Well, at least I can skip that shit this time.

Drunk Jenny and sober Jenny seem to be getting on a bit better.

Drank 3/4 of a bottle of wine which would normally have me totally ratted and I'm feeling more mellow than anything. Pat was meant to text me about going out but I think he's gone out with the younger ones from work. Even though he and I are just friends but he would have pissed drunk Jenny off a few months ago by not bothering to get in touch. Now I'm not really feeling fussed. It would just be another night out in Gala that I can't really afford. He tends to sit with me all the time if there's a night out and it's better he has this adventure on his own and meets a nice girl. I'm there to guide him, I just worry about him because he's precociously clever in some ways but a bit naive in others. He'll be fine I'm sure. I like being friends with him. He understands how I work. I think if he finds himself a girl it will help him grow up a bit more.

I haven't got maudlin either. Normally I would get totally maudlin by now. I feel pretty fine. Apart from the fact I ate potato. I'm going to feel rotten tomorrow :-/

Although... I can see that the sad songs have started being played on Youtube. It's fine though. I've learnt to feel the sadness then move on from it... it's not quite as hard as I thought it would be... and it's not a bad thing... just a bloody confusing thing. One cool thing is people have started understanding how my moods work and they know just to ignore me. I'm learning to laugh at myself when I get like that too... which is really good.

Ahhhh god. I'm feeling sentimental now. Might just polish off the rest of this bottle of wine and then go to bed. I don't need to get up early for anything tomorrow, apart from to go and buy food. I can cope with a hangover while I do that.

How the mighty fall. I used to be able to drink a shitload. Now I like the feeling of being able to drink about a bottle of wine max and go to bed after. Even if I go out drinking I am always ready for my bed by the end of the night unless drugs are involved. I kind of like it. The social scene in this town is fucking rubbish. Apart from the odd gig at Reiver or unexpected rampage with Debbie or Colm I am ok with staying in.

Sometimes though... there's this emptiness inside me and I don't know how to make it better. I've tried drink and drugs. I've tried friends and love. Nothing seems to work. What is it I am missing? I don't get it. I don't mean to sound bigheaded but I know shitloads of people and there's so many people that want to spend time with me that I avoid spending time with. Why? I don't want to get too close to anyone. It's so weird. I don't know how to change. Do I need to change? Is it better to maintain this independence?

There was a time when I was younger that I couldn't even walk into a shop on my own. I was terrified of life. Now I'm doing everything on my own, trying to take care of my own shit... and I still can't figure out what's missing from my life. I don't really miss sex. I miss drugs but I could get them if I wanted them and I'm not that fussy really. I miss socialising but I can't be bothered as most people I know are younger and I can't stand the pretentious bitchy scene around here.

This blog is the only place that I reveal what I'm really thinking. I've got a facebook account but it's all for show. I don't really give much away on there. It's more a way of keeping in touch with people without having to actually spend time with them and portraying the person I want them to see that I am because I just want to keep myself to myself.

I have music, and I have me. Then how, do I fill the emptiness inside that I feel... that catches me when I least expect it...

When I'm not browsing, I'm a duck.

Forever grondling.
http://i.imgur.com/g6Pwt.jpg

I enjoy these nights I have to myself.

It's freezing cold outside and the single bar halogen heaters I have in the flat don't really keep the place warm... unless I shut both doors in the living room... but that just makes me feel hemmed in. I'm wearing a hoodie over my dress and a pair of fingerless gloves keep my hands from getting cold.

I chase the coldness and the stress away with a bottle of wine and a packet of super slim cigarettes. I indulge myself in whatever music I want to hear at that moment. Could be Erasure, could be Morrissey, could be the Eagles... just whatever expresses what's inside my heart at that time.

I don't have much to show for 30 years on this earth when it comes to physical items. But I'm surviving and that's enough.

I guess these nights are like a "date night" with myself. I'm starting to come around after what feels like a forever of coasting by on the surface and I'm not afraid to dive into myself anymore. I'm not ashamed of myself anymore and it's been a long time coming.

It's the little things. Listening to my body. I can't eat potatoes, and dairy products make me bloat. So I stop eating them instead of giving into momentary cravings. Maybe I should apply that theory to the rest of my life. Just because I crave something doesn't mean I have to have it, if it's not good for me.

Sometimes I crave drugs badly. But I get through it, and only indulge in rare moments when it's safe and sensible to do so.

There's been a few things and people that I've craved really strongly for lately and I'm trying to break myself of the habit by reminding myself that a momentary fix is not going to heal me. I need real, strong, unbreakable truths in my life. I've spent so long in my own world, knowingly oblivious to reality. That scares me because I have made things so hard for myself. I crowned myself the queen of irrelevance.

Life is a strange thing, and it's hard, and I didn't realise that the struggle to figure out what the fuck I'm doing would be an ongoing thing... but I'm doing what I can. I can do better, I'm certainly not doing my best. I need to put my all into it instead of being scared to try because I'm afraid of being hurt. I got far too hurt far too early right and I've let the damage eat right through my defences until they are all rusty and broken. I don't want that. I don't want to constantly question myself or stay up too late worrying about what people think of me or wondering why I'm still alone. I want to surround myself with love from my family, my friends and maybe one day from a guy. I limit myself. I let my friends and my family closer than anyone else... I just can't seem to let any potential suitors past my armour. I have used the excuse of a relationship that ended years ago dictate this, I let it consume me and alienate me and I can't do that anymore. It became an excuse for not trying and I delayed the grieving process for years because it was easier for me to believe that that was it for me and that nothing else would do, or would happen for me. I can't say I wouldn't go back to him if it happened... but then again maybe I just haven't found the right person to move on with like he has.

I think I'm too complex for any guy to deal with though. That makes me sad.

...until I have to be at court. I am nervous but doped up on oxy so I don't feel much of anything. I don't even feel high.

"All the drugs are strangely sobering" is a line from one of my favorite songs...

Maybe tonight they will be more intoxicating. I'm freezing cold but also hot.

This morning I was in withdrawal and tonight I am flying high. I hope the judge doesn't notice my pinned pupils.

It's not a criminal case, however. It's a civil case.

I hate court.

I just want to be young and have fun.

I haven't had fun in such a long time. Just the same old shit, over and over. Day in and day out. There must be something wrong with me, that I'd subject myself to this type of torture.

I really hope I got that job.

Has anyone ever gone to a job interview high and got the job???

I have done it twice. I am not proud of that.

I should probably get in the shower...

So I'm going to donate plasma tomorrow. I'm just going to use this money on dope which I should be getting Saturday. I don't plan on doing that all the time for dope, its just I want to go this time and get the possible drug testing out of the way, as well as the whole questionnaire shit. I don't know how many bags I'm going to pick up yet though, maybe six of them....depends. I do feel bad that I am going to pick up more heroin. The reason is because I promised my best friend I wouldn't and my other best friend who I consider my sister doesn't even know, I'm too afraid to tell her. She would be heartbroken. Another reason I feel horrible is because my mother doesn't even know and if she did, she would have a stroke. So yeah, I really only keep to myself about my drug use. I wish I could talk to them about it but they wouldn't understand or they would totally flip. No one expects me to be using heroin, yeah only smoking weed but not using heroin. So if they found out it would be a total smack to the face.

Other than that my doctor finally set me up with a psychiatrist so they can better prescribe me. He said I could of waited three weeks but I said I rather have him refer me now. I'm tired of relying on these antidepressants that don't do shit. My doctor only kept me on 100mg's of zoloft and wasn't keen that I have been prescribed ativan but oh well they can suck my metaphorical dick.... I actually want something better than ativan though because its not that great of a benzo. The shitty thing is I have this one re-fill left and that's why I need to get to the psychiatrist as soon as possible. I mean I have been spreading out my ativan but it won't be there forever and that's why I hope I can get it re-filled. I don't see why not? I have no record of drug use known....whenever I was asked if I used drugs, even pot I had said no. Lol, even when they asked me if I drink alcohol I was like, "No, only wine at a wedding." Hahah, sorry I am not letting you know anything so you can just prescribe me ibprofen or some more shitty antidepressants. I've been on three and I really tried but they just don't work. I can't even go on prozac because my sister had a negative effect from it and I mean negative. Such as seeing her puke up the lining of her stomach because she attempted suicide....then she is rushed to the hospital. Yeah, the summer before senior year....one hell of a summer and not in a good way.

I won't leave this world without changing it. In the midst of all the chaos that defines our current predicament, you'll receive guidance from one who is just as lost as you are, but who knows his way better that you do.

So Sunday night my cousin came over to smoke some high.grade with me. The only problem was that my supplier wouldn't answer his phone. I didn't want to let my cousin down and I've been wanting to try this legal weed Id been hearing about. So I told my cousin about it and that it could kill you but it'll get u higher than any weed. So after he agreed to try it with me we went to a local gas station and purchased 3 grams of "zombie hoe". When we got back I rolled a blunt and we took about 10 hits each. That night I felt as if I smoked a ton of weed, and my cousin said he was experiencing a whole new trippier high.! I laughed and we joked and ate as the high went down. We finished the blunt with about 5 hits each and my cousin left.
Since he left me with about a gram and a half I rolled 3 fat joints to get me through the week.

The next morning I woke up for school got dress and went straight outside to smoke. I took about 5 hits, and only stopped because I felt a strong high coming on. I walk to school and the school is literally up the street from my house. So as soon as I put the blunt out and started walking I was tripping TF out. The ground felt like a tred mil and I was scared a car was going to hit me. Theres an island in the middle of the 4 way in front of the school, and I spent what felt like forever trying to cross the street to get to the island. I had to keep reminding myself that I was crossing the street because I couldn't bring myself to reality and I felt like I was in one of those dreams where I could only move SUPER slow.

So once I finally made it into school I was the highest I've ever been in my life.! I didn't know what school I was in and everybody looked so weird and short. I was viewing people in a whole new way. The further I walked up the hall the higher I got.! I felt like I was in a dream and I was going to faint at any second. At that moment I knew I had to get to first period annd sit down. But at that time I didn't know where my first period was or my teachers name, but lucky for me he was standing outside the room and I recognized him.

As I went into first period I didn't recognize anything. It looked as if the whole class had been rearranged but in reality it hadn't. When I put my head down and closed my eyes I would see neon cartoon characters but then It switched to me feeling like my desk was doing 360's so I kept lifting up my head. Before I knew it we were 30 minutes into class and it felt like 5.

My high started to fade later in class because I regained my memory but the base high kept coming and going. Even up until track practice.! I debated going because I could barely feel my legs but I went anyway. (Bad descision). I kept a slow pace because I was still high, but eventually I had to sprint with a teamate. From what I could see I was going full speed, because at this point my legs are numb. But things started flashing in the middle of the race and I kept getting lower to the ground with each blink until I was doing a 360 on the track. It really snapped me back into a weed feeling high, and I got up and went about the rest of my day.

If I ever get the chance I would like to trip off k2 at my home and watch cartoons. I feel that I would of experienced a much better time if I weren't at school. And maybe I was just that high cus I smoked on a complete empty stomach and fresh out the bed.

... and I just snorted half of an 8mg, oh god why did I do that... Oh god I think I taste blood in the drip oh god why did I do that... D;

Doc only gave me 'enough to last me til my appointment on Monday', which is actually way more than enough, but I think I'm going to ask him about methadone when I go... I don't know if he can actually prescribe methadone, he's an MD psychiatrist type person, but I think if I asked him about it and played my cards right he probably would ... if he can. He's pretty generous. I guess I'll find out Monday... I really can't afford Suboxone, and I really hate asking my dad for the money, but he wants me off this shit as much as I do, so ... ... *Sigh*

... Seriously, oh god why did I snort this shit, it didn't even do anything...

I feel so much better though... The subs (almost..) completely kill the cravings... =)

[ Edit: Whoa... This actually feels pretty good... Oh dear... ]

To be honest I was going to come on here tonight and continue my bitch about the girl mentioned in last night's blog. Then I got to thinking... why am I even doing this? What's the point in ripping someone who wronged me to shreds? I blame her for misleading me and making a cunt of me in front of my friends... but she's just a young girl, quite a few years younger than me, everyone does stupid shit when they're younger. I felt like she took something really important to me but to be honest... what was "taken" went willingly and was no longer... indeed... never was my possession. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I have loved too much in the past and people I've loved have seemed like possessions... which is wrong. Damn. I just loved him so much and although I knew he was going to meet someone else, I knew it would be her, and I saw a lot of it unfold. It just hurt me so much. To the point that when I confirmed my worst fears I got drunk for three days straight. Drank bottle after bottle of whiskey and cried my eyes out. Thankfully I had a holiday from work so I could grieve in peace.

I need to leave all of this behind. None of this serves any purpose anymore and it's wrong to have this chip on my shoulder.

Same goes for the one guy I met a year or two ago who I really liked. I made an arse of myself, and he was obviously too immature and emotionally cold to deal with someone as all-out flamboyant and intense as me. I have to accept that it wasn't me that was defected, and likewise neither was he... it just wasn't right for me. He frustrates me... I really regret making more of it than it ever was but feel that he gave some pretty mixed signals off.

I'm better on my own. I can't cope as part of a couple... I'm just not used to it. Sex doesn't matter to me. I don't need romantic love. All of it is just a lovely dream that I once had.

That relaxing feeling when you get the delivery that is going to remove the reality of the last few days. Brightened my day right up.

o yea

people who intend to do bad things
do not understand where their intent comes from,
and often only notice the intent exists after the fact.

we must, as a species, start putting a stop to the cycles and channels of pain that we transfer between one another.

we're running out of time to understand forgiveness collectively; when you look at humans on a macroscopic scale, it's too easy to say "we've fucked up."