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Today I took 250 mg of tramadol. I've been cleaning all day and have strong euphoria. This is by far my favorite drug next to bud. I will with no doubt be doing this again. I encourage you to try it also( assuming your doctor said it was appropriate.)

I have a long week ahead of me. As I basically spent all of last week after work getting high I decided when I had only 5 pills left I would give myself a break and use them to taper, lose of a bit of my tolerance by having a couple of weeks off. So starting tomorrow I get one pill every morning for the next 5 days to make my withdrawals just manageable enough that I can continue my job without too much interference. This coming down from the 8 pills I have been taking every evening.

Had a conversation with a friend yesterday that made me realise that there are some people out there that have the same mindset as me. We were discussing the reasons we got high. It's because both of us think that at least at this point in our life we spend our days counting down to 5pm then waiting for the weekend. We'd be this way drugs or no drugs because we realised that, that is life for the next 50/60 years. It's dull, repetitive and boring.

It leaves us no choice but to find other ways to make life seem more interesting. Thats why we both turn to drugs so that it is interesting, interesting is far more important to me than fun or exciting because if it isn't interesting I just feel bored, my mind needs constant stimulation and my life just doesn't bring that. Books, the internet and drugs are the only things that can keep my mind happy and interested.

Ignorance really is bliss, being stupid you can be happy a lot easier. I envy ignorant people sometimes. Some people spend their life chasing the dragon, I spend my chasing my brain, most people don't even interest me.

so this dph... Benydril etc. first time i did it(to the extent of wanting to trip), i messed up bad, like really bad, i dosed at 1200mg, and this is what happened from what i can remember, a day unlike any other, i thought, while i was writing my new book, a world of delusions when i started nutmeg tripping, then i heard about dph... well i figured it would be an interesting addition to a unique new writting style for my book a know, a new kind of like retro-pharmisudical like diary thing ya knowlol, well took 48, 25mg blue tablets and i was still nutmeg trippin from the day previous, t.. it hit me like a ton of bricks, to say the least//.; i began stumbleing around so i went and sat down, my parents just went to sleep, i heard voices, manny of them arguing to belive which one of them!, the walls pounded as the floors crawled with thriving with decaying creatures... My room, was a fuckin cave of swaming flying black glitchy bugs!, I swore at one point i could see the air moving itself. . . I went to smoke a cigaret, first mistake... i ran into the wall on my way out because everything was to dark.. and my depth perception seemed to be off dramaticaly... by the time i got outside, my whole stat of mind was like a radio station switching chanels on itself, my train of thought kept on moving very stangly and it presented itself random collections of strained context phrases... you think thats weird, well when i went to go to my room, i seen 2 people sitting on my coutch, unfamiliar faces and i could reconize them one bit, when i turned away because of shock, a black cat went in the direction of the 2 people and my eyes just naturaly followed, when i caught the eyes of both the people, which at this point i reconized imediatly, my ex girlfreind and one of my freinds, they looked at me and asked me what i was doing... when looked at him i couldnt think of anyting to say so i just ran to my room, and i tried to fall asleep, all night long i still heard voices... horrable voices....

all those faces and eyes can demand every bit of attention. i want the island that dramatically changes to the climate of my moods. somewhere where rules flutter to the wavering catastrophe that is my thought process. one that bends to the on going destruction of routine that i hate and love. that sunken stomach feeling obliterated by soothing aftershocks of will. music could be made without ears to hear it as wind picks up the long tendrils of windy hair unkempt. dances unscathed by rightful footings in sloping sand hills made for weeping. decisions could be based upon spinwheels while the waters make whirlpools to climb in.
no standards
no what should be

I ended up being arrested on the 3rd for assault.
don't know what else to write without going into detail in which I dont want to.
This shit sucks ass.
Oh well, I fucked up and now I have to fix my fuck up.

wha??

this is a great combo. although dont plan on getting much done cuz your mind will tend to slip all over the place.

If you have found yourself stumbling over an unidentified substance that may cause extreme hallucinogens or trip-like experiences, you NEED to sit, down, take 10 mins, and truly experience a different world, imagine the work, effort, time, mental strain and mental intelligence that has gone into creating the, Jelly Trip Experience ... even in a sober-state, let yourself get sucked into this amazing, alternate reality, a place of the unknown, unexpected, and never prepared, and yet completely engulfing, simply, AMAZING!

http://youtu.be/btVGCqpIoyk

small note, change settings to highest quality, even it takes a few extra moments to load see ya later!
If the link doesnt direct you, search Jelly Trip Experience 3D computer art in youtube, should be rainbow looking... thick malleable (able to formed/moved in different ways, bendable/flexible ,jsyk) matter/ substance... may appear to be a thick slime/ goo-looking... stuff, but glowing, extremely colorful... trippy!

25b (NBOMe) White power, completely natural, (compound of rocks, salts, and minerals,hallucinogen) most efficient when snorted. Trip takes less than 10 mins to feel it completely, realistically about 5 mins, hits very unexpectedly. 8( This is currently legal in the US, but can easily be mistaken for other more common white powers.
The experience lasts about 10 hours, the come-down usually lasting about 6-8 hours. This does not show in any substance tests, (piss, blood, hair) but does cause severe hallucinogens , and Very dilated pupils. for brief moments, you could experience cold sweats, burning up, dizziness, motion sickness (sometimes causing unexpected vomiting), confusion... by the time you are fully in the trip, most side effects are gone, except changing in body temperature, back and forth, hot and cold and your eyes will remain dilated most of the experience. Vision is enhanced, colors dont appear as they are.
This is a VERY powerful compound, not for beginners, def DONT do this by yourself, (HIGHLY recommend avoiding unless seasoned tripper). Sense of time ceases, usually seeming longer than normal. 25b opens up the mind, allowing the user to think about things on a deeper level than just the surface meaning, sometimes cause emotional distress..03-.05 mg is a safe experience, for those more daring, .05-.7 is an intense trip, (not for beginners)
For those who have experience 25b, .09-.14 is a VERY EXTREME trip, those who try it MUST BE STRONG MINDED. This should not be taken daily, once weekly is the most frequently is should be used, the body does build up a tolerance leaving reoccurring experiences less intense (needed higher doses to feel the same intensity), it is a natural compound (hitting hard and fast). Do not try any public endeavors while on 25b, (avoid the public, stay indoors, in a COMFORTABLE environment. 25b can not be detected in the body so one could easily consider another to be crazy, insane, or mental unstable or unsound). The simplest trigger could turn this into a very bad ,very longgggg 8( trip! The first dose casues the most extreme visuals, any consumption after leaves you with more of a body trip, tho some visuals will persist though the entire duration of the experience. If nothing else, this compound SHOULD NOT BE UNDER ESTIMATED!
after thought... this experience is in the mind, although the substance is in the body, all of the effects are caused by the mind, do not freak out, expect the unexpected. for those who have tried 25b and are comfortable in the experience 100% of the time (yes 100% !!!!) look into 25i, the trip is 5x as intense, and has the same side effects, duration, and extremity based on the dosage. I would highly recommend .05 mg or less when you first experience 25i. NEITHER of these are intended for everyone, do the research BEFORE you take it!

Well, for the first time in what seems like an eternity, I've had a fucking solid day.

I've been taking this introductory course to Asian Philosophy, and we've been going over Hinduism, which I've been finding really interesting. There's this idea that humans are pretty much blinded to reality, that we get so caught up in superficial problems and ideals, that we really only see a small fraction of the human experience.

I've never thought of myself as being especially "spiritual", but this particular concept strikes me as being true.

Most days, I am a quiet person, who keeps to himself, and gets lost in both worry and fantasy. I'll see a Levis or Calvin Klien billboard, and torture myself with endless self contained conversations, all concluding with "In a culture like this, I was destined to lose from day one!" Very melodramatic, very boring.

But then there are days like today, where there's some kind of crazy, spontaneous energy that just shoots through me. I feel more than alive, I feel like some kind of God.

I had two and a half hours to kill in between classes, so I stayed on campus through my break. I met up with some friends outside, and I had a smoke with them, and took a walk around the block when they went back up to class. After three cigarette's, I decided to go into the cafeteria to eat my peanut butter sandwich, and do some drawings.

I sat down and pulled out my sketch book, and just began jotting down everything in sight. I was jumping from one person to the next, looking straight at them, marking each contour with a quick thrust of the wrist. Each line by itself was nothing but a meaningless abstract form, but as they piled on top of each other , they formed a single, convincing illusion. It didn't feel like drawing, it felt like some kind of insane dance, and I became entranced.

Every word I spoke was poetry. I was cutting, I was perceptive, I was articulate, and I felt intelligent. I talked and people listened. I walked, and people followed. (okay, there's a little exaggeration going on here)I got into this bizarre argument over whether Christianity was the cause of the decline of intellectualism and art in Rome and Constantinople, and I won!

I left school feeling connected, plugged in. I was confident in my friendships, I felt solid in my feet. And I didn't stop to worry about how this "up", would eventually come down.

And now I'm sitting here typing this, about to go to bed, and I still feel that clarity. It's not as sharp or bright, but it's still there. In the days to come, I have no doubt that I'll sink back at times into long periods of resentment and apathy. I'll perhaps look back at this post and think, "shit, who was I kidding?" But I know that there will also be more days like this, where everything's just dead on.

Yes, that's right, I'm back in school.

And it's going surprisingly okay.

My friends are happy that I'm back, and it seems that most of them thought that I had died last term. But like the christ, I rose from my tomb, and when they doubted me, I dared them to stick their fingers into my track marks, and like Thomas, they too were convinced, and fell to their knees begging for my forgiveness.

It's a great feeling to be able to draw from a nude model again. These past months I've mostly been doing portraits of passengers on the train, and small illustrations for my friends band. What amazes me, is how I seem to have actually improved with my figure drawings, which was something I feared that I would fall behind in, as I didn't have access to people who were willing to throw off there clothes for me to study every fold, bend and crook of their bodies. But art is about observation, and I've been observing a lot.

When you draw from life, it's kind of a tripped out experience, because in order to really capture the likeness of a human being, or anything for that fact, you have to see the form objectively. You have to throw out all you're biases and stereotypes (do you like this person, are they ugly, are they beautiful...) and see you're subject for what it truly is, a physical body sculpted out of light and shadows. You have to view the world as if you're not from this planet, or from any planet at all. You need to be reborn, and see through the eyes of an infant.

But while seeing things objectively is great, I also believe that to make truly great art, you have to translate you're objective observation, into a subjective illusion. It's easy to draw hideous things and make them look "cool". I see kids at my school do it over and over again, drawing demons, dragons, witches, fuck I do it myself. But a true challenge is to draw something hideous, beautifully. If you don't know what I mean, check out Mathias Grunewalds crucifixion piece, Mantegna's "Dead Christ", or pretty much anything by Goya.

When art is not made with love, it is telling. And Christ almighty, I could use a Xanax.

Hey swim got a hold of some 18 mg hydromorph contin capsulses(yellow)
Swim has had the 12 mg capsules before and they are relevantly full of beads but the 18 mg capsulses appear to be less than half full is this normal or fid swim get ripped?

first couple times i rolled i would drink and blackout there's nothing fun about that but then last new years i was rolling hard on some of the best pills Ive ever had8( then went to drink this 1 drink i had and i swear i could just feel it killing the hit in my body
and i always see cunts wrecking there roll by smoking weed at least wait till the rolls over

Thankfully sanity has kicked in. My heart drifted like a helium balloon for a while... but it's back in my chest and I am going to be fine.

I let seeing F sway me for a while. Thankfully I'm strong enough inside that I was able to understand that I had my chance with him and it didn't work because the timing was just off. I test myself by seeing how I feel when I see how many females he speaks to on Facebook... and then I feel that horrible painful feeling that I get when I start to feel shit about myself. That's how I tell I'm not ready. People like Colm, even Jim that I met... I don't get that horrible emotional pain with them... so I think it's probably sensible that I stick with people like them rather than pining over a very tentative "what could have been"...

The wounds of losing my ex must be healing a bit... I feel a bit more rational. I want to spend time with friends a bit more. My confidence is coming back. I'm past the yearning grief stage again. Normally I get this far and I tumble back into the obscurity of the pain I hold inside... the wound opens and darkens like an abyss... I can't let that happen again. It sometimes feels like every time I get back up something knocks me back into that place and it's clear that I can't go there again.

When you try to break a habit you expect it to snap easily... but this is more like bending plastic back and forth until it weakens so much that it disintegrates. I need to keep bending this habit of falling back until I snap... and am set free.

Plucked up the courage to speak to F on facebook earlier...

We had a really cool chat

It's not anything, but I am so proud of myself for being brave enough to try. He's a really cool guy.

Hit me again, do you feel like a man? Always on the run, are you having fun? You never shut up unless your dope sick and when you're not i could care less if you chocked on a dick. Who are you to take an innocent young girl and introduce her to Satan's sister. Sweet Lady H, the little bitch. I use to miss her. When you would slam the door and walk out again i would slam the needle and nod out again. Why i did it all, only God knows. I guess i numbed everything i was scared to show. I wanted to let you know how i felt but your sister kept me so far away from feelings. You said you loved me, but you put her about move. Oh sweet Lady H, the rush you gave me running through my veins, calling my name, making me fucking insane. But i've made my rounds, im done with the both of you. Ive danced with the devil and ive fucked him too. So many times i've tried to hold onto the sleeve of your arm, but all i got was broken promises, lies and fist fights. I thought I loved you, but nah fuck you. I'm done with you, and you're sister too. You dragged me down as a team, making me scream when neither of you were there for me. But as the days go by and i clear my mind without either of you here, i realize im better off. I know you're still out there tieing off, so ill say a little prayer and hope to God he will have mercy on you for all the things you have never wanted to become.



To make a long story short, a boyfriend and I were addicted to heroin, he was horrible to me, and so was the drug. I wrote this May 20, 2011 when i was in a program called Teen Challenge(which i recommend to any addict). I finished the program, and relapsed 3 months later. I am still in my addiction but i know God is faithful to get me out once again.

Now how the fuck do I slow my heart rate down to go to sleep and no I dont have any benzos

I woke up picked up a friend and drove around a while, I dropped em off and took a wrong street leaving me far across town. I got back home abit late and my dad was already in a bitchy mood since we were going to be about 10 minutes late to my driving test appointment.

So I had to hear his shit until I basically told em to fuck off, I mean he called me irresponsible, how often does he take notice of all the shit I do properly and on time, but the one time I fuck up even just a little, he's on it.

Anyway he finally shut his mouth for a short while after before he found something else to bitch about, I don't know, he's extroverted-its a god damn nightmare being around him- u don't know wut extroverted means until uve been around my dad nigguh, for the most part- shit seeps out of his mouth and nobody listens.

I get the forms done and head over to the driving test area. This lady, who is the instructor, is already in a bitchy mood, hating life and all the fucks in it. (She screams at my dad to stay in the car, car was washed so windows were up)

So I go, driving like a boss- as always- and she starts taking notes, I am fully aware of my surroundings and yet she marks me down for not taking note of my surroundings, gee I didn't know u had to twist ur fucken neck around exorcist style just to make it obvious enough for her to take note.

I admit, some turns were too short and I did stop too close to another vehicle but the bitch exaggerated. She told me at the end that at one point she was ready to pull the handbrake because she was afraid I was going to hit the other cars- I should've fucken hit them and started fucking convulsing just to fuck with her head

I got 31/15 allowed mistakes, better luck next week.

Nonetheless:

• When's the last time you ran? Last summer. Bunged my knees nicely too. Can't run anymore
• Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? None that I wear outside of the house.
• What are you dreading right now? Off the top of my head, nothing. My Aunt is going through a round of heavy chemo, and I'm worried for her-- that's kind of the same thing.
• Do you celebrate 420? Maybe twice in my life. Maybe more often unintentionally. Don't really smoke any more.
• Do you get the full 8 hours of sleep a night? Between 7 and 8 usually. I operate best with 9.
• If anyone came to your house on your "lazy days" what would ya'll do? Does not compute. If I'm entertaining, there'll at least be some nuts/olives/dips, drinks, and either a cool movie, conversation or croquet.
• Who last grabbed your ass? Grabbed? Can't for the life of me recall. Felt up? A lady friend
• Have you ever been on your school's track team? Ha! Nope. Didn't get into fitness until late Uni.
• Do you own a pair of Converse? Actually, yes-- but they don't look like Chucks or anything.
• Did you copy and paste this survey? Of course.
• Do you eat raw cookie dough? Used to. Loved to, actually.
• Have you ever kicked a vending machine? Probably.
• Don't you hate it when the radio ruins good songs by playing them over and over? I haven't listened to commercial radio in years.
• Do you watch Trading Spaces? I don't watch TV.
• How do you eat oreos? I don't anymore, but when I did I'd just pop them in my mouth and chew them.
• Have you ever stayed online for a very long time waiting for someone? Yup. But then again, I basically live online.
• Are you cocky? Bwhahahaha!
• Could you live without a computer? I predate the internet, but have had a computer since I was 2. I could, but they're my connection to the world.
• Do you wear your shoes in the house? No, although I'm supposed to-- orthotics. What am I, a savage?
• Who or what sleeps with you? Nothing.
• At what age did you find out that Santa wasn't real? Don't recall. I was young though. Kept pretending though, for the benefit of my younger siblings.
• How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house? One cell and an old-timey 'touch tone' that works as my entry buzzer. It looks like a rotary phone, but with buttons instead of the rotor.
• What do you do when you're sad? Mope.
• Who would you call first if you won the lottery? Dunno. I never play it, so I don't think about stuff like that.
• Last time you saw your best friend? 2 or 3 January-- he's on the other end of the country for school. We chat daily though.
• Are you in high school? Ha! No. Look at my join date.
• What jewelry are you wearing? None-- I don't really wear jewelry.
• Is anyone on your bad side now? Nope.
• What's the first thing you do when you get online? Turn on my chat client, and check my email/FB messages.
• Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? Nope. Can't stand it. My sister loves it though
• How do most people spell your name? The non-diminutive way.
• Would you wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? She'd need to be pretty big, or be okay with the clothes being stretched to hell and back.
• Where do you work? A small medical device development company.
• What are you doing tomorrow? Working, practising flute, a short workout at home, then BL.
• Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? No. Not even close.
• Favorite name for a girl? Nienor.
• Favorite name for a boy? Samwise.
• Will you keep your last name when you get married? Kind of a moot point. I'd be keen on taking a hyphenate though.
• When was the last time you left your house? This morning.
• Do you return your cart? I don't usually use a cart, but when I do I always put it back.
• Do you have a dishwasher? Yes, thank jebus!
• What noise do you hear? Computer fan and The Simpsons.
• Would you survive in prison? Probably not. I'm too pretty and not at all violent.
• Who is the youngest in your family? Nuclear family? My brother. Extended? My niece.
• If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likely overpack? Me. I suck at travelling light.
• Do you know anyone with the same name as you? First? Tons.
• What's the last thing you purchased? Ummm, groceries on Sunday, I think.
• Do your siblings ever pay for stuff for you? Usually not-- we can all afford to pay our own way. We'll spot each other for group gifts though, but we always square up.
• What brand are your pants right now? Um,Lululemon loungey sweats.
• Ever been to Georgia (the state)? Ummmm, no. Why on earth would I ever go there?
• What irritates you most on the internet? I'm going to agree with spork: swim. That, and just the general level of ignorance in comment threads-- in general, BL is different, of course.
• What brand is your digital camera? Point and shoot: Canon, DSLR: Nikon.
  Do you watch movies with your parents? Haven't in ages. We don't generally like the same sorts of films.
• What song best describes your life right now? Ummmm, I don't know.
• Do you own expensive perfume/cologne? I don't know how expensive it is, but I have cologne, yes.
• Are you taking college classes right now? Nope.
• Do you like sushi? It's one of the very few animal foods that I miss.
• Do you get your hair cut every month? Every six weeks or so.
• Do you go online everyday? Unless I'm camping, yes.
• Will you pass this survey on to 5 people? Silly survey-- it thinks it's a chain letter!

I've been thinking about my friend Paula, who died at the end of last year, a lot... just missing her.

I found a log of all of our old chats on Facebook last night and I came across this. I've copied it and pasted it directly, removed her surname and didn't correct her typos as that's one of the things I loved about her:

"Paula 'Red'

then upwards is the way to go....i think i got to a stoopid fucked up depressed point and i thought i can easy be a dead dea person or i can continue being a living dead person or i could try being a iving living person 1st"

I feel teary every time I read it. So bloody poignant.

"Paula 'Red'

ah you sound like me when i was comig up to 30.....by the time i was 33 my life was amazing and completely different....i gave up trying so hard and went with new experiances....had my 1st kid at 33 second at 37 i am 44 now not with their dad (hes one of best mates) and i have ended up dating the guy i used to fancy when i was 13 (he doesnt know that though)life can be a bitch if you let it pull you under.....be brave and jump into the void lovely xx"

One of her many messages of solidarity when I went through the pre-30 crack up.

"Paula 'Red'

in native american tribes crying bathing rain were all thought of as cleansing your body and soul....it was known as water healing not as a weakness but a way to rid from the body dirt you dont need

so do i i am a pisces with 7 houses in pisces i am the softest of the soft...trust me i have to tell my kids off from a different room cause their wee faces woud stop me"

Just something she said that sticks with me.

I spoke out loud to her for ages last night when I was feeling a bit sad about her being gone. I wish she was still here. I wish she hadn't of drank so much. I had no idea she was so bad that it would kill her. She put so much inspiration in me.

i have been taking loperamide for maintenance for several months now. after reading up on maintenance drugs such as LAM, i would have to say it is a mix between that and methadone. loperamide is great because i can go three days maybe even four if i had a benzo or two, without redosing. this is great bc constipation is horendous when using lope daily.anyway, today i took 65 mg of hydrocodone and 500 mg valerian root caps. the last time i dosed lope was three days ago at 60 mg. i would say that it hit me hard, like taking 100 mg of oxy. not sure if it was the valerian or lope residual

Yea so my mom informs me that were going to Chicago for Christmas. IIm really excited its gonna be my first chance to try heroin outside the south. I have read so many stories and blogs from people on here about scoring in the open air markets. Im kinda scared being from the south I bet my accents gonna be a big tip off and damn its gonna be cold. Oh well from what I have read getting shit should be easy if I can just figure out the logistics I will be golden.

Anyway yea Im using dope pretty much every weekend now then rolling back to subs during the week. Its wierd going back to the subs hasnt been as painful lately as it used to be. Im alot more at peace right now then I was last year. Like I know its gonna be bad but I think I may be able to hold together a little better this time. Its gonna break my moms heart. fuck

I dont know what to write this entry about so many things are happening at once in my life and I dont know what I should share and what I should keep private. I have had some swollen lymph nodes in my kneck for a few months and over the last two weeks I have seen a few doctors each one reffering me to another till now I have an appointment with a hematologist/oncologist next week. I found out I dont have hep c I dont know how thats possible I shot up with the same needle as someone who said he was infected and why would you lie about that?
Anyway that seemingly good luck was shocking cause that narrows the list of what could be wrong with that oncology word scarring the fuck out of me. I have a really strong urge to go crazy shooting as much dope as possible as quickly as possible but its being tempered by the thought that if I play the game I may be able to survive and get some nice scripts out of the deal. Thats how fucking sick I still am thinking of the fentanyl patches and dillauded that could be in the mix. Ive never told anyone this but when I was a senior in high school I told everyone my wisdom teeth hurt just to get the painkillers I knew the surgery would entail. I dunno I feel like it cant be true I cant have cancer im always wrong about these medical things its a shitty time to start being right.

Im ok right now I got some xanax and plenty of bud to drown my nervousness but its the first thing I think about every morning and the last I think about at night. I havent told anyone in my life except my parents cause I dont want to end up being fine and people thinking I just want attention or some shit plus I am not ready to acknowlege the reality. Im gonna be in denial till I cant be no more. This whole thing has really numbed me life has become kind of sureal ill be thinking this could be my last time to play basketball or go walk in the park im thinking I should be going balls out to get a girl cause I might not get another chance things like that. I dunno im kinda lost right now im gonna write more about this soon as I can process it a little more.