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I've called this blog a spiritual blog, but it isn't really. That's just the closest term I could use to find to describe it, as in a way it does have a focus.

The material discussed in this blog is negating to the psyche/self, and its polarized emotional roller-coaster ride of up/down, good/bad, joy/sorrow, pain/pleasure, hope/despair... its quest for the end of the rainbow, and its bleak and dismal fears.

It points consciousness/awareness beyond the psyche, like a collection of signs on the road that aren't noticed clearly, but the driver subconsciously remembers where they point to.

People have had some weird reactions to my posts in other forums, fwiw, although it isn't common. Occasionally it's even delayed, as though what was read was forgotten, yet not forgotten.

A few get angry, as though they're been attacked, although they weren't even mentioned. Or mildly depressed, feeling like life is worthless. Negative feelings are the most common, for reasons I won't get into in this post.

They *do not* have the ability to mess up anyone's life, nor do they have the ability to enlighten anybody -- but they can sow seeds, drop breadcrumbs, flash road signs, topple matchbook fences standing on end.

P.S. by sensitive, I *don't* mean "emotionally hurting or depressed people may be affected".

I mean that thoughtful, sincere readers who have some degree of inkling that "life just isn't working, something is wrong with how I take things to be, or myself to be" may be affected, regardless of emotional tendencies.

IMO, bluelight is a truly awesome and fitting place to post subject matter of this nature. "Enlightennext magazine" or "Buddhist online review" or "ClearConsciousness Yahoo group" are examples of the most utterly unfitting and pointless places. People already know all about this stuff. There's no room for it there. No one is listening.

There is a timeless, non-located realm of pure Being containing no self and no others -- only unconditional fulfillment, contentment, intimacy and peace. It is completely still there, unfathomably deep and silent, eternal, immaculate, undisturbed. Only love survives there -- nothing else.


Peace...

Note -- this one is a deeper exploration... read at ur own risk.

The psyche (or self) 'sees' pairs of opposites in isolation, rather than in relation, because it sees itself in isolation.

It is a 'self' -- "it" "self" - a knot, a stuckness, an identity.

It is single-sided; an attempt to take (and hold) a side.

This attempt binds it to the side it does not want.

To search for meaning in life is to live in meaninglessness. To search for wealth is to live in poverty. To search for surety is to live in doubt. To search for pleasure is to live in pain. To search for love is to live in lovelessness. To search for truth is to live in falsehood.

The self seeks to change, grow and improve, and that keeps it right where it is.

It is the 'me' -- the "incoming" direction. See me. Feel me. Touch me. Heal me. Listen to me. Look at me when I'm talking to you. Trust me. Grant me serenity. Pay me. Obey me.

The self, psyche, 'me' is looked at by the eyes of others, but does not see them.

It sees what they are looking at -- an other -- and believes it is seeing them.

It is spoken to by others, but does not hear them. It hears what they are speaking to -- an other -- and believes it is hearing them.

It seeks love, attention and acceptance from others, but does not receive them. It receives more of its own nature instead. Emptiness, meaninglessness, hopelessness, uselessness, pointlessness, etc.

And never understands that this is its nature because it does not exist.

The incoming direction ('me', self) is other. It isn't there.

The outgoing direction ('you', other) is self. It is.

(more to come)...

Sometimes the heart just knows what it wants. And it's not what you expected.

I don't know how to deal with this. It's like the situation with my ex. I'm desperately trying not to feel, and the more I try not to... the stronger it gets.

I don't know what to do.

With all seriousness... there's a remote chance this could unite someone with the universe, imo.

If it does, don't thank me... thank yourself. You're the one whose words these are ;-).

****

A deeper understanding of how the human psyche works helps one to see its inherent falsehoods, and thus to transcend it.

The psyche (self) works in pairs of opposites, and the usual view is that everything has 'self-nature'... every opposite is itself, and never the twain shall meet.

Each side of every pair of opposites is assumed to exist on its own, in isolation, so to speak:

If self dies, others would still be alive and enjoying life and self would be gone. ("other" exists in isolation -- other is other, regardless if self is there).

If all others (and the world they live in) went away, self would be walking the earth in desolation, isolated and alone ("self" exists in isolation -- self is self, regardless if other is there).

If all existence vanished, there would be only non-existence, emptiness, nothingness. ("non-existence" exists in isolation -- non-existence is non-existence, even without existence there).

If only this boring, empty, meaninglessness ended, I would have a life at last, I could truly live ("existence" exists in isolation -- existence is existence, without non-existence there).

I don't have enough new toys... I need to get more STUFF. ("presence" exists in isolation -- presence is presence, even if no absence is there).

I don't have anything, don't care about anything, don't want anything. Something is missing, lacking... my life is empty and unfulfilled. ("absence" exists in isolation -- absence is absence, even if presence isn't around).

See the pattern?

This is the emotional self, the human psyche. It feels real, but it is not real, nor is it based on rationality. It goes far deeper than the surface mind, in fact tends to drive the surface mind.

And it is based on a fundamental misunderstanding of the nature of reality.

**********

Beyond the mind/psyche, where both 'self-nature' and self dissolve, the dualities complementarily equate. They are NOT themselves (today, heheh). They *are each other*.

Let's look at this more closely:

* "You don't know what you've got, until it's gone". Absence is not absence -- it's presence.

No thing is present, unless/until it is absent. Thus, one doesn't ever actually have anything, because you only really "know you had it" when it's gone (ownership/self/gone). If you don't really know what you've got until it's gone, you don't need anything at all (desire/self/gone).

* "I didn't know what I was missing 'til I saw it with my own eyes". "I didn't know how much I needed you 'til I heard your voice". "I just got here... man, how I missed you!" (meaning I feel the lack now). Presence is not presence -- it's absence.

No thing is missing, unless/until it is there. Thus, one cannot ever have anything, because the moment you get it, it is missing (as a desirable, owned thing). If no thing is missing 'til it's THERE, no thing is ever missing. why seek anything? (desire/self/gone).

* "Treat me right". "Don't I look good today"? "What do you think of me NOW?".

Self is not self, it's other. "Self" is an object (body-mind/other) that wants to be looked at, spoken to, well thought of, handled with care, not abused, treated right.

If self is an other (object, bodymind seen by subject(s)) -- *poof*.

I'll forget me if you will. Drop me like a hot potato. Ignore me. Nobody loves me, everybody hates me. Hell, I never liked me either. Time to forget me, this thingamabob that wants admiration, respect, love, service and never gets a goddamn thing... is childish, demanding and empty. IT ISN'T MYSELF. It's an other.

* "You are so beautiful to me". "I think of you day and night". "You're so SELF-righteous". "You're so self-ish". "You're so mean to me, you treat me like (an object). "You think SO highly of yourself, don't you?".

Other is not other, IT'S SELF.

"Other" is a self (non-object) that is loved, is sought out, is self-righteous, can be very self-ish, that I (other/object) want to be respected and liked by, seen by, thought about by and treated well by.

If other (anything 'other' that isn't me, e.g. the universe) is self, is oneself (one Self) -- BOOM.

Let's have a look at "objective reality" -- the notion that the universe is there, separate from any observer, and that if there were no conscious observer, the universe would still be there -- thus, there are objective, measurable, quantifiable laws that are true in the absence of any observer.

In other words, the observer is relative, these laws are absolutes, and they can exist in the absence of any observer.

There's just one problem: "absolute" is relative to "relative".

What is a dependent observer (who has postulated objectivity) dependent on -- if the universe is truly independent of them?

What is an independent universe independent of, with no subjective observer in it?

OK, let's overlook this for a moment. All observers are now gone.

With no observer anywhere in the universe at any point in history, every universal law is true everywhere in the universe, throughout all eternity, despite the fact that all of them have been discovered on Earth during a 100-year or so timespan.

Let's re-insert an observer the size of the universe into the observer-independent universe. "Nothing can travel faster than the speed of light". Except when this observer reaches down to scratch his balls, and covers Earth to Andromeda in 0.5 seconds.

Whew. OK, an infinitely tiny observer. A single fundamental particle gazes out at the big bang (where the atom next door starts) and calculates it's been 8 billion years since.

Take 'em out, and stop overlooking the obvious: Existence requires nonexistence to mean something, and nonexistence requires existence to mean something.

Absolute requires relative to have meaning, and relative requires absolute to mean anything.

A subject requires an object to be a subject, and an object requires a subject to be an object.

No. Independent. Existence.

http://www.buddhistdoor.com/oldweb/bdoor/archive/nutshell/teach9.htm

Let's have a look at "objective reality" -- the notion that the universe is there, separate from any observer, and that if there were no conscious observer, the universe would still be there -- thus, there are objective, measurable, quantifiable laws that are true in the absence of any observer.

In other words, the observer is relative, these laws are absolutes, and they can exist in the absence of any observer.

There's just one problem: "absolute" is relative to "relative".

What is a dependent observer dependent on -- if the universe is truly independent of them?

What is an independent universe independent of, with no subjective observer in it?

OK, let's overlook this for a moment. All observers are now gone.

With no observer anywhere in the universe at any point in history, every universal law is true everywhere in the universe, throughout all eternity, despite the fact that all of them have been discovered on Earth during a 100-year or so timespan.

Let's re-insert an observer the size of the universe into the objective universe for a moment. SH*t... take them out, quick!! ;D.

Whew. OK, an infinitely tiny observer. A single fundamental particle gazes out at the big bang (where the atom next door starts) and calculates it's been 8 billion years since.

No observers again.

The speed of light is 186,000 miles/second. Observed at no time in history, over no period of time, from no distance to any other distance, because there is no observer in existence.

I really don't think we can take the observer out of the equation 8( .

Science is based on the belief (not the truth) that consensus proves truth. Quite honestly, it is not that different than religion in this regard.

I respect it, but it is limited; one's personal existence goes on, regardless of what science discovers, and one has to deal with one's personal reality.

To go beyond science (and religion, too) is to transcend consensus reality; to transcend consensus reality is to transcend its converse, individuality.

It's been called "ego death", and it is beyond description.

Let's resort to science for a moment; "my reality" is in my brain. "Your reality" is in your brain.

I have never contacted an "other brain", an "other consciousness". Even to read someone's mind directly would have those thoughts arise in my own.

If "ultimate reality" (not able to get past it because it is occurring in my brain) is subjective, then objective reality is ultimately subjective, as is objectivity itself.

At this point, where objectivity vanishes, subjectivity dies too; both objectivity and subjectivity fall on their faces; they are transcended.

What remains is unspeakable, has never been spoken, and never will be. From such a perspective, one reads "livescience.com" and sees bits, pieces, fragments and specks being declared as truth, until the next fragment is declared as truth tomorrow, then the next, then the next. And understands, and is not critical, and reads with interest, observing the broken, fragmented collective consciousness and its endless efforts to make wholeness of fragmentation, its inability to understand and its staunch refusal to die as a scattered collection of pieces and be one.

***

Hope springs eternal; perhaps tomorrow's scientific discover(ies) won't ever be disproved or superceded; this is the truth!

The eternal hope that a single piece, a fragment, could ever be the truth, despite the Church's history and the fragment "God" presented as "objective truth".

The inability or refusal to recognize that Truth is always-already-the-case, here and now, was always true, is true now and always will be true -- for us all.

Peace (and 42/God)...

The mind typically fits everything into its self-story. Is this 'me' or is this not 'me'? Is it 'me' to do this, or not? Is it 'me' to hear that sound, or view things that way? Is it 'me' to walk this way down the street? Is it 'me' he sees? Does she love me? Will she take care of me? Why me? Don't you trust me? etc.

Non-self-story reality belongs to other, relates to other, is other. Self-story reality belongs to me, relates to me, and is me.

Self is "incomingggg..."... either a bomb if I'm screwed, or a gift if I'm lucky.

Other is "outgoinggggg"... either a bomb if I'm lucky, or a gift if I have to.

There is a fundamental and irresolvable contradiction to the above. Bombs seem to keep coming in, and gifts almost never. Why me? Damn you, I'll bomb you, and withhold my gifts! That'll fix you. Then you'll give me gifts and stop sending bombs my way! You didn't! I'll bomb you and stop giving you anything!

The "incoming" direction is the false one, and is based on taking oneself as a center, e.g. the center of the universe. It is based on a non-verbal misunderstanding of reality that is not easily explained, but could be worded thus:

"You can see me, see who I really am, and I can see you, see who you really are, and you are standing outside of me, looking back at me".

The above statement appears completely true to the mind, and is as false as purple polka-dotted wicked witches of the west, in truth. I'll leave it to the reader to investigate, if desired.

I find it (talking to myself) cathartic and a relief at times that can lead to euphoric resolutions.

Click to expand...

I agree it can be so, and this is so because there is no genuine difference between talking to oneself, and talking to others.

I emphasize "genuine", meaning the same one is thinking the thoughts that are heard, whether spoken by one's own mouth, thought about, or spoken by another.

What is this leading to, my words here?

There are variations in pitch, volume and quality; variations in apparent perspective; the same consciousness hears. It is the eternal listener, the eternal seer.

It has never been seen. Thus, it is its exact content, from moment to moment. There is nothing else.

Clarity on this will relieve it of you .

Peace...

Hi All,

This blog-space is dedicated to my spiritual insights... thoughts on spirituality, ego death, transcendence and the like.

My thoughts are your thoughts, in my view, since the one reading them right now, is the one reading them.

And yours are mine, since the one reading them when read, is the one reading them when read.

They are encountered in/as awareness, or consciousness. I espouse here a principle so simple, obvious and unconditional that it is beyond thought.

Yet it is the truth. There is no other.

Peace...

The Other Side, Diaphenhydramine Hydro-chloride... Dph, the active ingredient in Sleep Aids, Dramamine, and Benydril... Is classified as a deliriant.. Its adverse effects on the human brain creates a world of delusions... Parnaioia, Eyes as big as saucers, Odd train of thought..., Around 300mg, around 600 mg, the effects range from daydreaming a wide variety of complex set of screenplay... Open eye vissuals consist of "Dancing cords" dark static, similar to the oppisate of a lightning bolt... A strange, sort of somewhat off feeling, as well as unusual bits of radio discussion or perhaps a secret im not supposed to hear, since i can bairly make out any words in their whispers besides my own name... This is what i call "The Other Side". welcome to the world of Dramamine, Strange music occasionaly is hear in which for the life of me i cant figure out who its made by... Around the 1000mg threshold everything is merly a dream... it is but impossible to even grasp my door handle... At this time, i swear it to be true, people were stairing right back at me and whispering... i constantly was losing my train of though, and if their was much of any thought, it was a rather unusual pattern at that... i droped my imagary cigaret... then spoke to no one there.... At this time i had recorded a video of my actions... as well as a audio recording of my voice, by this time it was 3rd hour, and i had forgoten what existance is itself... blacked out.. sarah said i was typing my email address to the schools computer... i was like all confused, she left for a book ands i just simply wandered off, at this point, a teacher of mind had reported seeing me in their shop class, i began talking in weird phrased stains of context, he reported i was asking to use the ban saw, he repeiativly told me no and just to sit down, at that time i just began to change the desks and chairs around, at this point both the principal and a police officer excorted me to the office, i was in the hospital under close observation for a day, then 5 days in bellen psychiatric facility... The other side, both unusal and not to be done in public, i learned this the hard way...


http://soundcloud.com/tonicstructure/overdose

i find myself much more enthusiastic about everything,

maybe the hole i hit set me this way, and as horrible as it was at the peak i learned a damn good amount about myself

getting shit done, going to get my license on thursday, going to go out to god knows where today and meet some good people. fuck a moderate work-out, im going to push towards intense nd get this slab of fat off of me

so happy to be alive.
:D :D :D

So... I saw F at the bus stop today. I see the way we keep a distance between us. It maddens me a bit. We've teased out our life stories and still when we're in the same place we can't seem to find a level. It's like if I am on Facebook, I can see him sitting online, but I'm just too scared to talk to him. From previous experience he isn't very responsive. Unless it's 3am... and I'm brave...

After my ex there's really not been any guys that I've found any kind of connection with apart from F... and I find it really frustrating how he can be so intimate with me in some ways and be so distant in others. From what I know we're pretty similar as people so one level I understand... but how often can this go on the way it does... the way it sparks. He can hold me at arm's length but still goes out of his way to find things in common.

I guess if it was "right" then it wouldn't be like this. I'm getting too old to be playing games like this. I met him too soon after my ex and the timing was off. I need to be honest about it with myself because I still carry a wee torch after all this time.

Sometimes it feels like I'm always going to feel this sad and empty.

So good overcame bad and the bad guy got punished then we all lived happily ever after....

Or something of the like. Friday the police called and told me they had charged the bad man with harassment. Awesome news!

Today I attend to meet my rescheduled bail and am given a sheet of paper telling me 'charges refused' no further action! Also awesome news!!

I spent the whole day today contemplating how it is bizarre how reality turned out so far from what I expected, the good guy never comes first and the bad guy almost always gets away with it! And I think that's what he was counting on.

So tonight I am celebrating by getting high and watching doctor who whilst eating dib dabs. Excuse the awfulness of this word but BOOYAH!

Ive taken often to excess most of the usual drugs over the years:

Alcohol: This drug fucked me over way more then any other. I was a regular drinker since i was i dunno 14 maybe and i didnt stop until i was 21. The reason i stopped was i knew id have a job to make it to 30 if i kept it up. I really took to alcohol in a way i have never done so to any other drug. I wasent happy until i was basically in that alcoholic oblivion.

Cannabis: Ive smoked hash, weed, hash oil, or kief since i was 12 years old. I started smoking regularly when i was 14 and i smoked it pretty much everyday. Weed was just a everyday thing because everyone i knew smoked it as often as they could. I did take a few breaks over the years and when i got in my mid 20's i stopped smoking it for awile because it just made me feel too introspective. But over the past 2 years or so ive been smoking it again and i smoke it pretty much everyday. So yeah im a pothead too

Opiates: I have used most opiates/opioids right from propoxyphene up to fentanyl. I mostly take morphine now and am trying to lay off the IVing. I have been pretty heavily addicted to shooting up both morphine and dilaudid and it did cause me some problems. It hasent caused me nearly as many problems as ignorant doctors and undertreated pain has though.

Benzos: The only benzodiazepine i really got addicted to was temazepam. I would abuse the living shit out of those pills and mixthem up with clonazepam, valium, oxazepam or lorazepam. I have had a clonazepam script for a long time now but ive never had any problems with that drug at all and it works wonders for me. Clonazepam is one drug that did me wonders because i had such bad anxiety i couldnt function before i went on it.

Stimulants: Ive eaten alot of dextroamphetamine to the point where i thought i was going to die of a heart attack and this happened on a few occasions. Ive stayed up for 4 days straight on it but it does not make me nearly as crazy as coke does. With coke i usually smoke crack or IV the stuff and crack is bad enough but IVing coke is awful. Doing shots every 5 or 10 minutes if fucked. I loved doing morphine and coke speedballs too. I have spent many a night hitting the dirty auld pipe but thankfully i never got hooked.

Psychedelics and Dissociatives: Ive taken mybe close to 100 shroom trips since i was 14. I went really overboard on them when i was a teenager. I only did LSD maybe 10 different times or something. I also smoked salvia twice and holy fuckin jesus that was just fucked. Gotta say it was interesting though. I havent had any bad side effects at all from psychs. As for dissociatives ive tried nitrous, ketamine, PCP and DXM. I love nitrous and ketamine there 2 of my fav drugs. i went through a phase where i took DXM maybe 50 times in a few months and i did like it. Thankfully it didnt fuck with my brain any.

So i would say despite how many drugs ive done and how much of my DOC's i use im not in bad shape. Im in better shape then i would expect to be thats for sure 8(

Had sum x last night never rollrd b4 but i dont think i was just concentrated on one thing nd havent slept yet. Any questions or comments on what i ate would help

k so im trying to find out what i should do about what this thing on my hand is that i can only assume is an abscess cuz ive never had one. its red, puffy and warm. was hot and red, so thats good. i drained it as much as i could with my rigs and got some nasty brownish shit *maybe left over h sitting there).
so im hoping for advice to help this thing heal.
(tried to put pic up but to no avail.)

anyone who has had a similar thing happen and lived to tell the tale i would love to hear from.
thx everyone.
~D~

a story, almost complete by 5 chapters, has 31 already lmfao, combines the thought process with reality and fantasy, much like an enerant world of delusions much so to speak of, YEah its weird but i give a preview of the first chapter,




AN ELABORAT DREAM:
THE SOUND OF MADNESS JUST WAITING TO BE HEARD
BY COREY STEWART





CHAPTER 1: ENDLESS POSSIBLILITIES

One thought, swallowed down with every shred of pride. Holding the last breath, exhaled from the glimpse of every try. One dream, contained by warped delusions. A Fantasy, one must depict to escape a dull reality. A version of the truth bent by the force of a fictitious gravity. Remaining a constant change, a variable subjected to distortion by the human mind. Such easily gained abilities by the dramatic events of our past. We must revise what’s been already been written to alter our present perception, ...........................................................

wow, i found this screenshot on an old hard drive from my older computer. nostalgia

nothing to see here

Oh dear lord. I do not remember writing those posts last night. I had consumed a very large amount of alcohol

need to score ASAP- Staten island NY

I'm sitting listening to the bucket by kings of leon.

I miss him so much it hurts.

Whatever I do feels like it drifts away and I want to see him.

I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.

I miss him so much I feel sick. I miss Alan. I want Alan. Now.

Well today's been pretty cool. I slept ten hours last night without any valium, codeine or other drugs in my system... I did have almost a bottle of wine in there but I think I forgive myself that.

Got up in the afternoon and it was snowing pretty heavily so I got bundled up and went to the supermarket and bought some food in for the weekend. Got another bottle of wine which I've not opened yet... there was one glass left in the bottle from last night so I'm seeing how I get on with that.

When I got back I was posting some music on Facebook (I have a niche following of people that listen to my tunes which is kind of cool!!) and I did a search on Youtube for tunes by Salem which resulted in finding a few sick as fuck mixes he did, which are all really fucked up and all kinds of amazing. Not for the faint of heart and the neighbours will be hating me for the bass... but it was worth it. Am listening to "Raver Stay Wif Me" which is a mixtape he did, it's so skewed... not to everyone's taste as it goes from slowed down AliceDJ into dragged out hip-hop into rotterdam hardcore. Ear bleed material to be sure.

I've just had a good session on the guitar. My singing and playing is starting to really sound good. I'm really happy with it at the moment. Unless it's amphetamines drugs and booze tend to make me sound terrible and I can't find the co-ordination to play. At Halloween I blew Blackie and Debbie away with my Adele cover of "Someone Like You"... I stripped the melodrama out of it and sang in my own accent not a pseudo american accent which gave it something really special I think. I was off my face on base at the time... amphetamines make me "me" but better!

Tonight's song was "Speak to me Someone" by Gene. Gene are so similar to the Smiths yet different... I love Martin Rossiter's voice. I've developed a habit of playing the chord sequence of a song over and over then bringing the words in. I only have to look at a chord sequence once and I remember it which is something I think I inherited from my Dad. i've got a lovely Fender Telecoustic but I tend to play on my old acoustic guitar because it sounds better in here... I need more space and a small amp for the Telecoustic.

My mate's just about twisted my arm into going out... I'm so tempted...