I have decided... to decide whether or not to stay on Bluelight. I don't know. The jury is still out.
On the one hand, Bluelight has been beneficial to me in the past. A few of the people here are alright. I enjoy reading and posting in forums. I know people that go on this site IRL.
But on the other hand, I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past my hatred for senior staff and the administrators that run this site. This is the fourth time they've kicked off a perfectly good staff member for no reason other than they've decided they don't like them all of the sudden, and then given a bullshit story about why they did it to the public. First C.H... then Dokomo... then Cane... and now me. All perfectly good moderators, exceptional even. And yet all in the wrong place at the wrong time, or harmlessly said the wrong thing (in my case, sticking up for C.H when senior staff was bashing on him in a modthread.)
C.H wasn't kicked off because he's "mentally unstable". I know C.H in person. C.H is perfectly stable. C.H was kicked off because muvolution, ocean, and a few other senior staff members don't like him as a person. Just like Cane was kicked off staff for doing something he didn't do, just like I was kicked off staff for being friends with C.H
You seeing a pattern here yet?
Regardless of whether Bluelight is real life or not, it still pisses me the fuck off. Because I know people on here IRL. Because it makes me look like an idiot. I mean, really, who's going to believe me over a story senior staff concocted? No one. Because being kicked off staff automatically discredits any respect people had for you. Because they kept my e-mail address in the database and I continue to get moderator e-mails and because the reason they gave me in my official "we are kicking you off staff" message was such bullshit - it's obvious they're letting me continue to receive moderator emails for my old forums and told me I was getting kicked off for inactivity was simply to taunt me. They knew I would know the "inactivity" thing was bullshit. They knew I would consider those e-mails spam from now on, yet they continue to flood my inbox anyway. Why? I have no use for them. And because I put in countless time and, over the last few months, actual physical ENERGY into moderating this site. So many hours, so much energy I could have spent on things that matter. Not tagging fucking substance codes into every single post, or combing through posts to report, or helping them find a new moderator for NMI (which they suddenly decided they didn't want me to do anymore once I stuck up for C.H... hah. Fucking bastards.)
Yeah. I'm not sure I can get over that ever. I don't feel like explaining it all on here. Doesn't really matter if you guys believe me or not anyway - I know what my activity level was, and I know it was actually a vast improvement in the week leading up to being kicked off, and so do they. The way I was kicked off staff was heartless, cruel, petty, and twisted. Nothing good. The way you guys see it doesn't matter to me in terms of my deciding to stay here. No offense, because I really really appreciate your comments in my previous blog post. It's just that I DO know what happened, and I'm always going to remember what happened, and why, and my view of this site has been severely tainted because of it.
You know, they didn't even ASK me if I wanted to be considered "Bluelight Crew"? They just went ahead and did it? It's something small, but it shows me just how much they take other people's feelings into account while they're marching around like Nazis and making decisions for people. It disgusts me, to be honest. I'm disgusted by every single person on senior staff and the administrative team. Like really, how are you going to kick people off staff for sticking up for someone (I'm sorry - for "inactivity" and so-called "mental instability" and supposedly "hacking into Bluelight's system"), when you're the ones who are mentally unstable... when YOU'RE the ones directly violating Bluelight's rules yourself. How's that little drug ring you've got set up through here going for ya, anyway, administrators? Finding lots of good drugs? I hope so. I'd want to be high all of the time if I was as horrible of a person as you guys are too. And what about you, all-powerful senior staff member - have you recovered from your recent suicide attempt? They giving you some good drugs for YOUR mental instability? I hope so. I'd want to be high all of the time if I were as horrible of a person as you too.
Oh, how I would love to name names right now. It would be the perfect way to expose some of you for who you REALLY are. But at the end of the day, I'm only petty enough to tell people what you're doing. Not so much who you are. And as much as I hate you, I still wouldn't want to be responsible for getting anyone arrested. And yes, I did say hate. You guys are responsible for turning Bluelight into a place where I felt safe and welcome and viewed as a sort of second home, to a place that I feel like I want to avoid like the plague and now view as a dysfunctional, shady dictatorship. You did this only hours after I watched my grandmother die, while I'm in the middle of a lawsuit because someone tried to kill me. I'm always going to associate you with those two things. Which means I'm always going to hate you. Disgusting, heartless, losers, etc... there aren't enough words in the English vocabulary to describe how I feel about you, admins and senior staff. Point taken anyway? Good.
But not you, NT. Only because you're friends with C.H. That's about enough to make me not despise you... as much. Enough to not want to put any of your shit on blast anyway.
Alright. Enough ranting about the people who run this site. I'm sure they're insignificant IRL life anyways. That's probably why they take on such a Nazi persona on here... it makes them feel better about themselves...
So I guess at the end of the day, it's hard for me to stay here. That's what this blog was supposed to be about before I started my little rant. I want to stay here, but I can't. I don't view this site as anything positive anymore. There's just too many bad memories associated with it. For me, it was just another source of stress I had to deal with in the past few months, and it ended up being all for nothing. In a way, that makes it even worse than the lawsuit and my grandmother passing away. At least at the end of the lawsuit I'll be getting something out of it... at least I know my grandmother isn't suffering anymore. What has Bluelight given me?
That's right, nothing. Except for an increased distrust of people in general. And stress. And bad memories. Really, guys. Way to uphold your "harm reduction" mission. Bra-fucking-vo. You guys have successfully flushed Bluelight's mission down the drain. And not just for me, but for other people I know as well, who I won't name here. But trust me when I say this, people on senior staff - you ALWAYS... without fail... do more harm than good. You should be the ones leaving your positions. Not people like me, or C.H, or Cane, or Dokomo - people who actually cared about harm reduction. People who were moderators FOR harm reduction, not because we wanted power. Basically, people who are the opposite of you. But the fact that you're there... and we're not, all because you decided to judge us as people as opposed to judging us as moderators... you guys make me fucking sick. For real. That's the nicest thing I can say about you guys. Inactivity, my ass. I can name about five people who have been inactive longer than me, or who have been in the past, and you never did a damn thing about it. You guys are... despicable.
I'm done addressing them. Back to the topic at hand.
Maybe I just need some time to cool off? I don't know. Somehow I doubt that will help. Bluelight has been going downhill fast. Bringing all the wrong people on staff, taking the wrong people OFF staff, DEFINITELY bringing the wrong people on as senior moderators. The Bluelight system is so fucked up, so dysfunctional... this isn't harm reduction anymore. It presents a good front, but unfortunately, I know that it hasn't been about harm reduction for a long time. In the staff forums, it's all about being power-hungry and vengeful. That's all it is. Bluelight has turned into every other drug forum out there. Erowid might be the only legit harm reduction site left. It's sad. It's disgusting. I don't know if I can come back here and act like everything is the same. Nothing is the same anymore. It won't be, no matter what anyone says or does.
I think I hate the people running this site too much to enjoy Bluelight anymore. I wish I had never been a mod. I wish I had stayed ignorant to what Bluelight was really about. I wish this didn't have to happen, so I wasn't forced to look at things for what they really are. At the very least, I wish I had taken heed to everyone's warnings in the beginning, when I was first brought on staff. I wish I had finished stepping down before they were able to kick me off. (Bet you didn't know that part, did you? That I was stepping down? I only agreed to stick around for the application process because they asked me to. Does that tell you anything? Because it should.)
And that's another reason the whole thing is so twisted and sick. Because they just HAD to get to me before what was MY decision in the first place was complete. Maybe they even asked me to stick around for the mod application process so they could do just that. Blindside me and let everyone think it was actually THEIR idea, even though it never was. In fact, they more or less begged me to stay on staff. Fucking. Despicable.
I'm done here.
On the one hand, Bluelight has been beneficial to me in the past. A few of the people here are alright. I enjoy reading and posting in forums. I know people that go on this site IRL.
But on the other hand, I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past my hatred for senior staff and the administrators that run this site. This is the fourth time they've kicked off a perfectly good staff member for no reason other than they've decided they don't like them all of the sudden, and then given a bullshit story about why they did it to the public. First C.H... then Dokomo... then Cane... and now me. All perfectly good moderators, exceptional even. And yet all in the wrong place at the wrong time, or harmlessly said the wrong thing (in my case, sticking up for C.H when senior staff was bashing on him in a modthread.)
C.H wasn't kicked off because he's "mentally unstable". I know C.H in person. C.H is perfectly stable. C.H was kicked off because muvolution, ocean, and a few other senior staff members don't like him as a person. Just like Cane was kicked off staff for doing something he didn't do, just like I was kicked off staff for being friends with C.H
You seeing a pattern here yet?
Regardless of whether Bluelight is real life or not, it still pisses me the fuck off. Because I know people on here IRL. Because it makes me look like an idiot. I mean, really, who's going to believe me over a story senior staff concocted? No one. Because being kicked off staff automatically discredits any respect people had for you. Because they kept my e-mail address in the database and I continue to get moderator e-mails and because the reason they gave me in my official "we are kicking you off staff" message was such bullshit - it's obvious they're letting me continue to receive moderator emails for my old forums and told me I was getting kicked off for inactivity was simply to taunt me. They knew I would know the "inactivity" thing was bullshit. They knew I would consider those e-mails spam from now on, yet they continue to flood my inbox anyway. Why? I have no use for them. And because I put in countless time and, over the last few months, actual physical ENERGY into moderating this site. So many hours, so much energy I could have spent on things that matter. Not tagging fucking substance codes into every single post, or combing through posts to report, or helping them find a new moderator for NMI (which they suddenly decided they didn't want me to do anymore once I stuck up for C.H... hah. Fucking bastards.)
Yeah. I'm not sure I can get over that ever. I don't feel like explaining it all on here. Doesn't really matter if you guys believe me or not anyway - I know what my activity level was, and I know it was actually a vast improvement in the week leading up to being kicked off, and so do they. The way I was kicked off staff was heartless, cruel, petty, and twisted. Nothing good. The way you guys see it doesn't matter to me in terms of my deciding to stay here. No offense, because I really really appreciate your comments in my previous blog post. It's just that I DO know what happened, and I'm always going to remember what happened, and why, and my view of this site has been severely tainted because of it.
You know, they didn't even ASK me if I wanted to be considered "Bluelight Crew"? They just went ahead and did it? It's something small, but it shows me just how much they take other people's feelings into account while they're marching around like Nazis and making decisions for people. It disgusts me, to be honest. I'm disgusted by every single person on senior staff and the administrative team. Like really, how are you going to kick people off staff for sticking up for someone (I'm sorry - for "inactivity" and so-called "mental instability" and supposedly "hacking into Bluelight's system"), when you're the ones who are mentally unstable... when YOU'RE the ones directly violating Bluelight's rules yourself. How's that little drug ring you've got set up through here going for ya, anyway, administrators? Finding lots of good drugs? I hope so. I'd want to be high all of the time if I was as horrible of a person as you guys are too. And what about you, all-powerful senior staff member - have you recovered from your recent suicide attempt? They giving you some good drugs for YOUR mental instability? I hope so. I'd want to be high all of the time if I were as horrible of a person as you too.
Oh, how I would love to name names right now. It would be the perfect way to expose some of you for who you REALLY are. But at the end of the day, I'm only petty enough to tell people what you're doing. Not so much who you are. And as much as I hate you, I still wouldn't want to be responsible for getting anyone arrested. And yes, I did say hate. You guys are responsible for turning Bluelight into a place where I felt safe and welcome and viewed as a sort of second home, to a place that I feel like I want to avoid like the plague and now view as a dysfunctional, shady dictatorship. You did this only hours after I watched my grandmother die, while I'm in the middle of a lawsuit because someone tried to kill me. I'm always going to associate you with those two things. Which means I'm always going to hate you. Disgusting, heartless, losers, etc... there aren't enough words in the English vocabulary to describe how I feel about you, admins and senior staff. Point taken anyway? Good.
But not you, NT. Only because you're friends with C.H. That's about enough to make me not despise you... as much. Enough to not want to put any of your shit on blast anyway.
Alright. Enough ranting about the people who run this site. I'm sure they're insignificant IRL life anyways. That's probably why they take on such a Nazi persona on here... it makes them feel better about themselves...
So I guess at the end of the day, it's hard for me to stay here. That's what this blog was supposed to be about before I started my little rant. I want to stay here, but I can't. I don't view this site as anything positive anymore. There's just too many bad memories associated with it. For me, it was just another source of stress I had to deal with in the past few months, and it ended up being all for nothing. In a way, that makes it even worse than the lawsuit and my grandmother passing away. At least at the end of the lawsuit I'll be getting something out of it... at least I know my grandmother isn't suffering anymore. What has Bluelight given me?
That's right, nothing. Except for an increased distrust of people in general. And stress. And bad memories. Really, guys. Way to uphold your "harm reduction" mission. Bra-fucking-vo. You guys have successfully flushed Bluelight's mission down the drain. And not just for me, but for other people I know as well, who I won't name here. But trust me when I say this, people on senior staff - you ALWAYS... without fail... do more harm than good. You should be the ones leaving your positions. Not people like me, or C.H, or Cane, or Dokomo - people who actually cared about harm reduction. People who were moderators FOR harm reduction, not because we wanted power. Basically, people who are the opposite of you. But the fact that you're there... and we're not, all because you decided to judge us as people as opposed to judging us as moderators... you guys make me fucking sick. For real. That's the nicest thing I can say about you guys. Inactivity, my ass. I can name about five people who have been inactive longer than me, or who have been in the past, and you never did a damn thing about it. You guys are... despicable.
I'm done addressing them. Back to the topic at hand.
Maybe I just need some time to cool off? I don't know. Somehow I doubt that will help. Bluelight has been going downhill fast. Bringing all the wrong people on staff, taking the wrong people OFF staff, DEFINITELY bringing the wrong people on as senior moderators. The Bluelight system is so fucked up, so dysfunctional... this isn't harm reduction anymore. It presents a good front, but unfortunately, I know that it hasn't been about harm reduction for a long time. In the staff forums, it's all about being power-hungry and vengeful. That's all it is. Bluelight has turned into every other drug forum out there. Erowid might be the only legit harm reduction site left. It's sad. It's disgusting. I don't know if I can come back here and act like everything is the same. Nothing is the same anymore. It won't be, no matter what anyone says or does.
I think I hate the people running this site too much to enjoy Bluelight anymore. I wish I had never been a mod. I wish I had stayed ignorant to what Bluelight was really about. I wish this didn't have to happen, so I wasn't forced to look at things for what they really are. At the very least, I wish I had taken heed to everyone's warnings in the beginning, when I was first brought on staff. I wish I had finished stepping down before they were able to kick me off. (Bet you didn't know that part, did you? That I was stepping down? I only agreed to stick around for the application process because they asked me to. Does that tell you anything? Because it should.)
And that's another reason the whole thing is so twisted and sick. Because they just HAD to get to me before what was MY decision in the first place was complete. Maybe they even asked me to stick around for the mod application process so they could do just that. Blindside me and let everyone think it was actually THEIR idea, even though it never was. In fact, they more or less begged me to stay on staff. Fucking. Despicable.
I'm done here.