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staind-fray

I know that it never goes away
All I feel, everything I'm not today
So I try and I try to make everything right
I don't feel like I'm doing it, it affects me

You wouldn't listen even if I told you
Who the fuck am I to say?
You're too busy with the lies they sold you
Another cure to fix your day

Open wide for all the shit they feed you
While the TV defecates
And blindly walk wherever they will lead you
While the edges slowly fray

I know that everything can change
What I need is to open up again
So never again will I look back in vain
'Cause today's not the past
I don't need to re-live it

You wouldn't listen even if I told you
Who the fuck am I to say?
You're too busy with the lies they sold you
Another cure to fix your day

Are you satisfied?
I've given all I can
And are you pacified
Or do you want more from me?

You wouldn't listen even if I told you
Who the fuck am I to say?
Well, you're too busy with the lies they sold you
Another cure to fix your day

Open wide for all the shit they feed you
While the TV defecates
And blindly walk wherever they will lead you
While the edges slowly fray

I've learned that
This life's not just a game
Just a line between
The pleasures and the pain

You wouldn't listen even if I told you
Who the fuck am I to say?
And you're too busy with the lies they sold you
Another cure to fix your day

Open wide for all the shit they feed you
While the TV defecates
And blindly walk wherever they will lead you
While the edges slowly fray

I'm a little worried about what's to come in the next few weeks, months or however long it may be. As of lately my circle went from longtime friends who don't use back to people I barely know and who get high as well. The majority of them are on heroin which worries me even more because I say that I'm only going to use occasionally but that's fucking funny.... There is no way I will only use here and there when all my "friends" will be using around me all the fucking time and then I'm going to want to continue as well. I'm very surprised I am not shooting dope yet and stopped shooting pills when most of everyone I use with is an IV user. Its hard to watch them stick the needle in their arms and then you're just there sniffing dope reminiscing about how good it feels to shoot up. "Oh man did it feel good. You were in heaven but oh no you can't do that shit again. You'll be an addict in no time if you start shooting." And that's all you think about for the time being because that's all your mind cares to think about lately.

The sad thing is I know I can leave anytime I want to. I can leave this shitty aspect of my life behind right now. I don't have to worry if I don't participate. I could go back to being sober and working on moving out of this area, you know. Yet, I choose to continue to use and keep myself trapped in this god forsaken place because getting high is more important. Finding that new connect or person who can get you that connect is more important and if the person cannot help you with either, then they don't mean shit to you. Things that once were important aren't anymore and its all about getting that money so you can get your drugs.

I mean I'm not a junkie at the moment but have junkie tendencies. The shit I say above is what dabbling usually turns into for me. Cause these anti-depressants never worked and those benzos can no longer put you at ease. So you find something else that can take all the pain and trouble away even if its only just temporarily. When I get high I forget that my life is at a dead end or that I'm living in fucking transitional housing. I forget about all the flashbacks I have of things I don't want to mention. I forget that everything I once had is now gone. And this is why deep down inside I know I should become clean again or I'm going to keep chasing after those temporary fixes for these long term problems.

Well I can't write a proper blog because I only have my smartphone and its so hard to type with. I feel so bad today. I am struggling to get through my days at work. I am so poor that I am eating cereal and water until I get paid. I can't seem to cope with anything and its really affecting me. I just feel so angry and sad with no real reason. I am used to depressive episodes but normally I can pull myself out of them. I can't seem to do that today. I feel lonely, and ugly and selfish and I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it.

I was recently put on norco for pain. Each time I've taken it..bout 2 hours l8er...I have literally felt as if I couldn't breathe. I will try 2 sleep and wake up gasping for air. Does this mean that I am allergic to it or is this just my anxiety kicking in?

Before I ever stumbled on to bluelight, my main information system regarding different drugs came off the street. I was told suboxone could not be shot, methadone turned you crippled and sexless, that shooting cocaine made the methadone in you're system dissapere, and that "a lot o' mothuh fuckuh's whent to jail because they didn't drink they grape juice." I would try to soak in every bit of information I could, form the wide eyed junkys high on crack, or the nodding squatters who were seconds away from taking my money and running off with it.

Back when I was a teenager, I really didn't have many connections to buy heroin. The reason I tried the sht in the first place, was because a friend of mine's pot dealer, aptly named "2-slick", informed us that he was selling "that diesel". After heariNg about my best friend almost dying after taking 100mg of methadone as his first opioid experience, I was hesitant to try out heroin. But it all happened due to homophobia.
What I mean by this, is that on the night that I ended up sniffing heroin for the first time, I actually didn't really want to do it at all. Sure, I was curious as hell, but I was actually afraid of the drug. What happened was, me and a friend were riding the F-train back to prospect park from Brighton beach. We had been drinking all evening and were beginning to suffer from the slight afterglow which turns so quickly into a banging headache. I suggested to my friend, that I didn't want to call it a night yet, so why not try to buy some Molly. He turned to me and said, "are you kidding, if we take Molly well end up having sex with each other. Are you GAY?"
And of course at that age, there was nothing worse in my circle of friends than being a fag. It's not that any of us hated homosexuals, in fact one of my best friends was gay. It was just that since we all worshipped GG ALlin, as well as a multitude of black metal bands (burzum,infester,dark throne), acting "gay"was not cool. Especially if we weren't actually homosexual.
So anyway, Molly was out of the question, because I believed my friend that we might both wake up the next night with each others dick's in our mouths. (It really shows how confident we were of our sexual identity at the time. )
So we settled on heroin. We split three bags that night, sniffed them and got high as hell. I remember waiting in the train station with my friend that night, experiencing "the nod" for the first time, and saying, "this is the best feeling in the world, I'm so happy we did this together."
Now high on heroin, our fear of being perceived gay in the other ones eyes seemed to have vannished.

I am from Florida, specifically Pinellas County, where the DEA has pretty much shut the doors on us gettin oxycodone. Can I get a few comments from some BlueLigters telling me where your from and if you are having any problems either from Docs writing or Pharmacies being able to or wanting to fill your perscriptions for oxycodone??? Thanks Bunches......

I've just made a post about this in TDS but I figured I'd put it here too.

Amazing how much your mindset can change in a a few hours eh? Reading my post from yesterday and remembering how sure I was that I didn't want to use again, but now... I guess I'm just struggling to see why I should get clean.

As I said in the thread, Methadone keeps me straight so any usage is purely for my enjoyment.
I've got my habit down to about £20-30 a day (normally £20), something I can afford without too much hassle.
So there's no financial problems, there's no health problems (I'm uber careful IVing, 2 years daily shooting and I've not lost a single pipe), no social problems... Why was it I'm quitting again?

This is day 3, but all I've done throughout those days is sit around debating whether I should go pick up!
So I would have also been 10 times as productive had I had a few bags!

I guess I'm just struggling to see the point of it all; everyone has their own little vices, as long as they're not causing any problems why bother stopping them?

Here I am again, trying to finally get off of the opiate bandwagon. I've tried and failed so many times in the past I've lost count, I just hope I can stick to it this time (not that I have much of a choice, it's reached the point that continuing to use will result in major problems for me).

I've been using opiates for 5 years, 4 of which I was addicted to them. OC and Fentanyl for the first 2 1/2, H for the past 1 1/2 with daily Methadone thrown in for the past 7-8 months.
At the moment I just want to get stabilized again, get to a point where I can stick to my scripted dose; I'm debating switching to Subs, a friend in a similar predicament says they are much better at fighting the craving - Any thoughts on that would be appreciated.

Anyway I managed all of yesterday with just 'done but by the time the evening came my extra usage was coming back to bite me. Where I've been using on top for so long the 'done doesn't hold me so well, and after a rough night I got up (I won't say 'woke up' as I was already awake anyway) and cooked up a few cottons.
I don't know why but the method I use for this always gives great results, 3 of them got me pretty lit for ~10-15 minutes (as well as taking away the WDs).
So that's that I guess, back to day 0... Although I might let that one slide, a cotton shot to help taper off doesn't seem that bad.

I'm also going to try and keep a running total of the money I'll have saved by not buying drugs, I'd got my usage down a LOT so I was only spending £20-30 a day, but as I'm sure you all know it adds up FAST.

Money saved so far: £30

That should do for now, time to go pick up the weekends 'done anyway - Stay safe folks!

Well the feeling is back again I need to get high not on weed benzos or barbituates not on partial agonists the monkey is demanding smack and needles and hes getting a little pissed with my excuses. Man oh man if I could only go back in time things might have changed. I know what it means I know im gonna die if I go back but I really dont care whatever will happen will happen. The frustrating part is that I dont have the guts to pick a road and commit to it like if I wanna be junky I should pack up and head to Jersey you know do it fuckin right. If I want to stay n college and be an academic then I shouldnt feel like this. Its a mess im a mess I feel like im drowning in this shit. Whats really fucked up is that my life is good right now I am getting a free education got plenty of good pot enough benzos to keep me grounded a few friends loving parents makes me feel guilty for being so miserable. The thing is I know where my path lies its just nota pretty place. but its ok im pretty excited about dying alone.

Things have been going not so great lately. I guess I try to deny it and make myself believe they're but they're not. I'm just so tired and worn out.... I can feel it when I wake up and I can see it when I look into the mirror. I'm so pale and I always use to have my beautiful born with tan but now it looks as if all that color was washed away. My eyes are a little sunken in but hey nothing foundation can't fix, haha. I really need to get some sleep though but every time I try to my mind just won't shut off. It keeps going on at full speed and there's nothing I can do about it. The sad thing is I've been staying up till around noon this whole week and waking up at 6pm. That's so pathetic.... I hate feeling so exhausted and I need to get things back on track.

Obama is the boss.

He drives the airplane.

Respect the game.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-hDt2E8MoE

i was at dinner tonight with my husband when a little girl and her (i presume) dad sat down. the girl was absolutely thrilled to be out with her dad and it reminded me of eating out with my dad. i look back and the times we hung out together stand out the most... like the time he bought scalped tickets to a baseball game. we happened to be near the stadium and he asked if i wanted to go to the game. it was raining, and the game was already a few innings in, but we went anyhow. we ended up sitting behind home plate and drew carey was in a suite above us. at some point, drew carey started signing stuff and throwing it down onto the seats below. my mom was pissed as hell when we got home because we had some sort of family thing we all were supposed to do.

another time, i was about 18-19 and in puerto rico with my family. my mom and sister were chilling on the beach, so my dad suggested we walk around town. my dad suggested we stop at a bar and grab a drink. we found this little upstairs patio/bar and my dad ordered a round of drinks. one round turned into several and we ended up hanging out at the bar for several hours. it was pretty cool to get drunk with my dad and chat with the waiters. again, my mom was pissed when my dad and i returned cause we were both rather unsober.

then there are things my dad has taught me, llike how to fix my car and do basic home repairs. or to think for myself and stand up for what i believe in. and to not get caught up in the petty bullshit my family likes to engage in.

i want to tell him what an impact he has had on me. but it feels weird. i know i would tell anyone else posting something similar to just send this post, but i don't think i could. i am generally detached and removed from my family. i don't know how to tell them i appreciate them

I've recently decided to try and quit using opiates. I've been an addict for about 4 years now. I usually do Roxies but I'll pretty much do any opiate I can get my hands on. I spent about 2 years using the needle but got clean for a couple months when I met my current boyfriend and was dealing with some legal troubles. I eventually started using again but ditched the rigs. My boyfriend told me that if he ever found out that I shot up again, he would leave me, so now I just snort everything. We've been together for about 2 years now and have plans to get married but the other day he basically told me it was the opiates or him...I love him and really don't want to loose him but the withdrawals are the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I planned on using this weekend to get clean so I could try and be over the sickest days and make it to class on monday. but I've slipped up and haven't made it one day yet. I'm about to graduate from college and I know there is no way I'm going to make it in the "real" world as an addict without my student loans. I don't know what to do...i feel completely hopeless against this drug. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I just know that if I can make it through the flu-like days I can stay away from it. I never want to go through it ever again.

Why are the evenings always the hardest!?
I was lucky enough to receive some unexpected cash earlier today, enough that I could spare a few bags worth anyway. I text my man but for some reason he didn't reply, and while stting and waiting for him to do so I kind of realized... what's the point?
It's not like I'm sick, I've had my Methadone today so there's no physical need for it. And what will it do? If I'm lucky I'll get really fucked for an hour at most, at worst I'll get a little rush and a few minutes of feeling 'high'.
Is it really worth it? Tomorrow morning when I'm once again out of drugs / money and am in the EXACT same situation as I am now, will it be worth it then?
I guess this is what they call will power, I'm not expecting it to last but it does make a nice change from 'I have money? excuse me while I fire it all into my arm as fast as possible' route that I normally take

Total saved: £70

As we were trying to casually dance around the issue of what we would do if it turned out our last remaining cat's limp was caused by the same cancer that killed our other one, she mentions that, "just in case one day I don't make it home", all the information you'd need is securely filed away downstairs.

And I thought I was the only one who'd put more planning into my death than my life

I'm sure everyone has experienced it, but what do you do about it? There's nothing physically wrong at the moment, which is huge! My health seems to be leveling out from this bumpy rollercoaster, and that's the best news I've had in a while..however, I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm just fucking drained.

Yesterday (Friday, Jan 20) was the worst day I've had in a while. I've been spending too much time with my dad. I need to get away from him. Every fucking thing he does bugs the shit out of me. He's losing his memory and mind (his dad had really bad Alzheimer's) and there's no doubt in my mind that he's showing symptoms. I can't blame him for that, but he knows, he KNOWS he's losing his mind, he says it every day. It just bothers the crap outta me because he's fighting and arguing with me when he knows he's wrong! He picks fights now, insists he's right, insists that's what he said, but he can't even fucking remember right! I know, it's terrible he's losing his mind, it's horrible. I can't imagine what that's like, but why, WHY, argue and insist when you can't even remember what you said? And it's the littlest fucking things too. "No, I never said we would do this..I thought you said this..That's not what you said!" and he'll argue about a fucking tense of a word, or he'll miss a word or two and are things so fucking literally. Then, when he says something, it's always "did you do the thing, with the person, that you were talking about?" and ll ask, "what?" and he'll get all balled up and start yelling and getting pissed off because I can fucking figure out what he's asking! I say all the time "be specific! You're too fucking vague, how do I know what you're asking me?" or he'll start saying something and trail off mid sentence and expect me to know what the next words are.. I have to constantly say "speak..use your words.. Fnish your fucking thought!" then he gets even madder bc he doesn't know what he's trying to say. OMG! Sorry. I know, I'm getting aggravated by the littlest tiny thing, but honestly, it's been like three years and I can't fucking take it anymore.

I'm thinking of staying with my aunt for a little while. But what do I say to my added why I'm leaving. No problem moving in with her, in fact she wants me to, but the problem is, she's so far away from all my friends and everyone else I know, that if I really need something from someone I wouldn't know anyone to come and help. She and her husband work full time, and I'm not really at the point in my recovery where I can p, or should be home along every day from like 6am til almost 6pm. But on the other hand, she is stocked with food :D What? I'm a hungry girl lately! And she gets the good stuff! Not, dollar store salami or day old bagels..

God my dad is so fucking cheap! He'll bich and complain about not having any money, he doesn't work, by choice "oh I can't find a job"...he hasn't gone on a job interview or called about a fucking job in two years! But then he always has money to but a $250 camera, spend $100 on a fish tank, a stand, fish, etc.. Computer equipment, you name it, he'll spend the money on it, but nooo he can't buy the Annie's Mac and cheese because it's .25 cents more than the Kraft. Or no, he can't buy more convenient water bottles (I like to put them in the fridge then take it with me, just grab and go, they're always cold, I can freeze them, etc) becausenits cheaper to buy the gallon of water and refill the bottles. Tho it's been proven that's how bacteria builds up when bottles aren't washed out completely, water isn't pure when not freshly opened, whatever (my mom was a chemist, she brought me up on water bottles, never to drink tap water and never to refill them). It's so fucking aggravating, he even gets mad when I buy them! He claims it's "better" but the hole reason he doesn't like them is because it's more to throw away.. He doesn't pay for trash pick up.. That bothers the shit out of me. Illegal dumping is arrestable, and he asks me all the time to bring the trash to the store and throw it out at a dumpster somewhere. I refuse, he gets pissed and screams and yells, it's a constant battle.

Ugh! I could go on and on and on, but I'll just leave it at this, you can see how frustrated I am, and hopefully understand why I'm so mad lately. Should I say something to him? What? Tell him he's a fucking asshole and to get a fucking job.. Well, my brother's already had a screaming fight with him, telling him to man up, get a job, and support his kids.. Not constantly expecting us to pay for him... Btw. My brother and I gave him a combined 45k to build his house.. And he's still asking us for money.. Pathetic.

And I'm still not going to listen to that "oh my life sucks, my gf dumped me I hate life.." crappy Emo music... Forget it!

Thanks for listening!
V

CoffeeDrinker said:

You don't have the capability to cut. You simply reinforce your image as a moronic piss-ant every time you post your idiotic and butt-hurt ramblings. If I'm ever curious about your opinions in the future, which I won't be, all I'd need to do is imagine what a vegetative retard with a cerebral hemorrhage who got shot in the solar plexus while listening to Alex Jones and jerking off to hentai would think, WHICH just happens to be the sound I'd expect you making every time you open your pre-pubescent mouth. So run along now you unbleachable skid mark on the banana hammock of human society. Run along. It's been fun. Come back when your necrotic balls drop and you've dared to talk to a female and maybe I'll be interested in rehashing the thought's I've discarded as a 9 year old, ok? But, until then, bye bye now.

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C'mon tell me more!

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After a grappling session at jiujitsu class our instructor tells us about some of the law enforcement guys who come to him for training. He used to be a cop as well.. But they talk to him after class about some of the shit they see day to day. Anyways, he was saying what a cop was telling him just the other day about something recent. A few sewage maintenance workers were inspecting the pipeline in an unincorporated community not far from us. They notice a strange pipe crudely connected to the main line, its not on the blueprints, so they follow it to a nearby place of residence. The authorities are soon notified and a search warrant was issued. Inside the garage, where the pipe leads, there was a big, conical metal vat, several feet tall and open at the top, a few feet wide. Next to it was a large metal mixing spatula or something. The shelves, top to bottom, were full of gallons of muriatic acid and some other chemical I don't recall, lye maybe? Suspicious indeed.. Two people lived there, both of Salvadorian dissent, one here illegally from El Salvador. The other had a total of $70,000 in several bank accounts, plus several thousand at the home.. Records show he hasn't had a job in ten years. They find nothing else other than the cash, metal structure, and the gallons of muriatic acid. The illegal was deported and the other guy is still being questioned.

To readers: I had attempted to save the first portion of this entry as a draft but apparently it inadvertantly posted mid- sentence and so this will now be the second installment in what may be a multi-part series on a mind numbing clusterfuck I like to call, "my lovelife."

To continue where I had so abruptly left off...

Joysa's Tita Gem, or, Aunt Gemma, returned home to the Philippines a relatively well off, having parlayed her job as a "Japasuki," or Filipina Blow Job Technician into the role of relatively pampered mistress of a mid-level wage slave. After managing to get pregnant aje was given enough of a "severance package" to allow Gemma to build herself what passes as a middle class home in the Philippines. This "windfall" also allowed many members of her large extended family to university, including Joysaa

What's up everyone? It's been a while since I've been on... Let me know how you have been.

As noted in my recent entries, I had headed up to Manila to spend New Years Eve with Joysa. i had imagined an evening on the terrace. I sublet a condo in Citiland de la Rosa, which is about as posh as it gets in Southeast Asia. The "terrace" is a rooftop pool looking out actoss the city and though in Makati, one can still see Manila Bay and its fireworks display just as the clock strikes midnite. Of course things often have a way of not coming together and so it was that I reveived an unwelcome text as I visited the Israeli Embassy around the corner from the condo. I had been there to modify the End Users Certificates on a hundred piece sale of Tavor Bullpups, the best micro assault rifle in existence, having concluded a sale to the AFP (Armed Forces of the Philippines).

Joysa: Hi baby, I hope u wont b 2 angry with me but we arent gonna b able to spend tonight on the terrace.

Rachamim: (Secretly relieved ay not seeing Joysa) Damn honey, i bern missing you so much and tonight of all days?

J: Ohhhhhhh, I miss u so bad! Thats why I told everyone u would b meeting us at Tita Gem's place in Pamp! (Tita Gem is Aunt Gemma, the Japasuki I have written about in the past. "Japasuki" is Philippine slang for Filipinas who head up to Japan on what they imagine to be lucrative labour contracts. Much to their suprise they are sold into sexual slavery. Gemma was able to become a "Mamasan," or, Head Prostitute- no double entendre please . Returning home to the Philippines she was able to build what amounts to a middle class house in this dark corner of G-D's green acre.

As the "richest" member of her large extended family Gemma became the de facto family leader. Her sister Susana, Joysa's mum, had entered into common law marriage with Joey, Joysa's dad, at the nubile age of 14. the teenaged couple then built a shack literally four meters from the banks of the Haganoy River in the toen bearing that same name in Bulacan Province. Joysa was born two years later and today lives in that same dilaphidated shack.

Basic Education is ostensibly guaranteed through high school but in reality, not many people can afford to pay for their childrens' kncidental expences. In a nation where most familrs live on $3 a day- when they are fortunate enough to actually find work- pencils and writing tablets take a rear seat to mealy white rice and the bitter melon thay constitutes the daily staple here. It was Gemma who ensured that both Joysa and het slightly younger brother Jhon [sic] finished school. Indeed, Gemma theb bankrolled Joysa's two year junior college degree, thereby saving her from repeating the unpromising life trajectory of Joey and Susana.

In the past I have discussed probably the most important thing Gemma has ever done for Joysa. More than ten percent of ghe Philippine Economy consists of remittances home from OFWs, the Overseas Foreign Workers. Whether they dole out lifesaving medical care as RNs in the UD, hand out donuts in Krispy Kreme franchises all over Saudi Arabia, or distribute handjobs in Tokyo- just like Jemma used to do- they serve as status symbols and role models formost of the nation's teeming masses. It is not suprising then to know that even before graduating from junior college Joysa attempted to gain a position in Japan.

To be continued...

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I don't know what put me on this stimulant kick. Probably lack of access to oxy. I guess I'm giving my opioid receptors a break and burning out some dopamine/norepinephrine receptors for a change. I must remember to mind my fluids and electrolytes (Gatorade!) as well as eat something. Maybe a banana. Those are the only things I can stomach when I'm like this.

Hopefully I will be getting some oxy tomorrow, if all works out the way it's supposed to. I hope I don't sleep through the call... Hmm. Well, oxy is usually enough to motivate me to do things. Sadly enough. I can put off anything till tomorrow... except scoring. I wanna do that shit NOW! Ugh, I don't wanna be sketched the fuck out when I cop though. I hate that shit. Before it was a nice setup where I could go to my dude's house and chill for a bit, do a line of oxy and smoke a bowl, and at least feel somewhat safe (plus at least if I got arrested I'd be HIGH already) but now it's always on the street, in public. Everyone looks like a fucking cop when you're coming off stimulants and even more so when you're buying drugs while coming off stimulants.

How do meth heads do it? Oh, wait, they don't... there's the psychosis and shadow people. :D Guess I'm just a pussy. The days of doing anything and everything all at once -- in public no less -- are over. I don't have parents to bail me out of jail or give me money if I blow it all on drugs and someone has to take care of my brother. Plus I don't want my girlfriend involved if anything goes wrong. She doesn't deserve that. I always have the "getting caught" scenario stuck in my head -- what I would say, what I would do. Would I eat all of the oxy so I could at least be high while I was in jail? I wouldn't want to catch another charge for that though. Like destroying evidence or something. And it's not like I get my money back if I get arrested. Hahaha. God, I am such an idiot. I don't care about myself but my girlfriend doesn't need a record. But she insists on going with me when I cop. Perhaps to keep how much money I spend in check? Perhaps because we're completely codependent?

(I don't know who snores louder though -- my girlfriend or my Dachshund. Ha! She'd get a kick out of that comment.)

I also wish this sinus infection would go away. Perhaps I should rethink snorting stuff for a while. Only the first line hurts, though. The rest go down easy. Opana was the last thing to give me a nosebleed. I took half of my antibiotics so hopefully that killed the infection. I know you're supposed to finish all of your antibiotics so you don't go and breed drug-resistant bacterial strains but no one is fucking perfect, right?

So, self-control. I have none. Obviously. But is it really about self-control at this point? It's probably more about addiction, habits, masking emotions and familiar routines now. Oh, yeah, and I like to get high. But I bet that was obvious.

I've been listening to a lot of music I haven't listened to in a long time. One band in particular comes to mind -- the Stockyard Stoics. They were a punk band from Brooklyn. I'm fairly sure they've been broken up for years now. I used to go to as many of their shows as I could. I also used to go to the Hardcore/Punk Matinee at ABC No Rio most Saturdays. If I wasn't so shy, I suppose I'd have a lot more friends from that part of my life. The only time I didn't feel self-conscious was when the band was actually playing. Otherwise, it was a bunch of awkward teenagers looking at each other, judging who was "punk" and who was a "poseur". I wasn't into drugs then. The music was my drug. I have one of their CDs but I don't know where the other one I bought is. Somewhere in this garbage heap I call an apartment.

I am so sorry this is so long. I know that nobody will read this amphetamine-fueled nonsense. Please forgive me for wasting your precious bandwidth, Bluelight. If anyone actually read this, please leave a comment or something so I can send you virtual flowers or something.

Oh, and here are the lyrics and a link to a very fitting song right now:

Adolescent Chemistry by the Stockyard Stoics

Oh Jason
He don't need a reason
And it's always the season
For getting loose and unbent
He can't pay the rent
And Rachel has seen one too many late nights
Her place is cleaned up just right
A bloody nose and razor blades
She's a hand grenade

There's nothing wrong in fun
And you're not the only one
That's paid too high a price for what's been done
I'll always want to play
And laugh my days away
We're paying with our lives for being young

Now Kiefer is making all sorts of new friends
He's living out on the streets
Again, transcending love and pain
It's in his veins
And Jesse
She don't need a reason
And it's always the season
For getting loose and undressed
And you know the rest

There's nothing wrong in fun
And you're not the only one
That's paid too high a price for what's been done
I'll always want to play
And laugh my days away
We're paying with our lives for being young

Guitar!

Ritalin and LSD
Adolescent chemistry
Take what you can
Get what you can
Do it all over all over again
Rossi and amphetamines
Adolescent chemistry
You took what you could get
You were never second best
A step beyond the rest
Rest well my friends

There's nothing wrong in fun
And you're not the only one
That's paid too high a price for what's been done
I'll always want to play
And laugh my days away
We're paying with our lives for being young

So I'm up for the 2nd night in a row.

Last night it was cocaine, tonight it's Adderall IR. I did get some sleep last night at least. I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight though. Cocaine wears off pretty quickly compared to Adderall. (Duh.) The first line of cocaine is the best line of cocaine and the only one worth doing. I realized that a long time ago. But I have no self-control so I can't just do one line a day or whatever. I can't enjoy anything in moderation. Eating, drinking, smoking, drugs, sleep, sex, shopping, television, internet, video games. Compulsion. Everything is telling me to DO MORE. Until you run out of drugs or money or both. Or until your body gives out. Whichever.

Why can't I treat drugs like an expensive jar of caviar or a thread of saffron, where just a little goes a long way? I'm just not wired that way. My parents had addictive personalities too -- my dad was a gambler and my mom was an alcoholic. With genes like that, did I really have a chance? Nature or nurture debate, I guess. I fail at diets, at budgets, at doing homework, at being sober, at exercising, at making friends... anything good in life, I screw up. If I could put all of this energy into something positive, I'd be successful. If self-loathing and self-destruction paid a salary, I'd be the motherfucking 1%. I'd be Warren fucking Buffet, man. But no, I can't do anything positive.

I can't really do much at all, to be honest. I'm not functioning like an adult. I feel like I am so lost inside of myself and I cannot find a way out. The only way out so far is drugs. Sometimes I feel like drugs, as bad as they are for me, are the only things keeping me alive. I feel like I would have killed myself a long time ago if I didn't find drugs. Or if drugs didn't find me? I don't know, I used to admire the straight edge kids and never wanted to be that burned out drug addict. What went wrong? I guess I won't know till I go back to therapy or something, huh?

Oh well.

God, bullshitting with people is so much fun on stimulants. I'm not normally so talkative. Ever. I've been in classes where I've not said a single word the entire semester. "You're so quiet", "Oh, I didn't know you spoke", "Wow, she said something!" ... etc, etc, etc. 8) I have heard them all multiple times since the 6th grade. Give me a fucking break, okay? People would hate me if I said what was really on my mind all the time. "Politeness is the art of choosing among your thoughts." - Madame de Stael

I live by the whole "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" doctrine as well as the whole "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt" idea. Is that really so wrong? Who is worse -- the person in the back who doesn't speak unless it's important or the person in the front who won't ever just shut the fuck up and always has a stupid question or comment which completely derails the Professor and the rest of the class for 20 minutes?

I think people are just threatened by silence. They have to fill it with something. Music, television, mindless chatter. I love music, don't get me wrong, but I mean like elevator Muzak. Why can't you just enjoy the ride in peace and quiet? It's usually no more than a minute or two. Reflect. Be calm. Chill the fuck out for a second. Gather your thoughts. Stop and smell the fucking roses. Read the graffiti. Make your own graffiti. Press all the buttons and stop on every floor. Press the emergency button and get yourself stuck in the elevator. Anything. Jesus.

Just give me a book to read or a notebook to write in and I'll entertain myself. It's weird because I have an anxiety disorder so I'm usually chattering and worrying about stupid shit non-stop inside of my own head so when I get a rare moment of calm and quiet in public, I tend to enjoy it. *Sigh* I used to skip school by myself and go to the Mid-Manhattan library, take out a few books and just ride the subway back and forth, wherever it would take me. From the Bronx to Coney Island to Queens to the Far Rockaways. I'd have my CD player with a mix-CD I burned (crikey, I am old) and listen to that until the batteries died and read my books instead of going to school. If only there was a class -- Reading on the Subway for Hours 101. I could teach that fucking class. Imagine if the Kindle and iPod existed at that point in time!

I'm always torn between isolating myself in public and how much people do that, especially on the subway. Perfect strangers sitting in close proximity physically but mentally further from each other than you could imagine. Who engages strangers in conversations anyway? Eye contact is a sin on the subway! Stare at your iPod, your Kindle, your feet, the ads by the ceiling, but never the person sitting across from you. God forbid. My parents actually met on the freaking subway. The story is something like my dad started talking to my mom on the D train and they ended up actually riding to the same train stop which was a pretty big coincidence because they both took the same train every day and never ran into each other before. Sometimes I like it when strangers start conversations with me, but I'm always too scared to start conversations with other people. Unless it's in a store or whatever, where you're kind of obligated to exchange niceties with the cashier or whatever. I'm just a hypocrite I suppose. I do all the shit I'm complaining about, but that's what society has turned into. At least in New York City. I guess when there are 8 million people living in such a tiny area, the mass of humanity gets overwhelming. Sometimes I just want to move to a small town where everyone knows everyone else and the only new people who come in are the babies who are born there.

Growing up in New York City is difficult. People say we're rude but I think we're just overstimulated. Kind of like I am now. Could you imagine saying hello to every person you passed in Times Square or whatever? It would be impossible. I know the Naked Cowboy can do it, but it's too cold to be outside in just your undies! Hahaha.