Ive never thought much about blogging, but as of now there is not much going on in my life, and perhaps it would be good to have a place to post my thoughts. I usually do this thing in my sketchbook, but whatever, Ill try it out here..
So, I've been clean for about 118 days now, a month of which was spent in Long Island College Hospital, being prodded with syringes by novice phlebotomists and student doctors. It was horrible I tell you! But I guess in the end it brought me to where I am today, writing a blog on bluelight, using my ipad2 which I still havnt pawned off yet.... Ooh, the things I sold for drugs.
I spend so much time on this site, which is a funny thing for me really, as I hate Sofia networking, and am avidly against using facebook, god forbid I be hunted down by some unhappy ex-girlfriends, but for some reason I feel different about bluelight. I mean, I really love this website, this community, dare I call it that, but it's truly how I feel. The only "groups" where I ever felt like I belonged have been in rehabs, next to methadone clinics, and here. I feel a genuine compassion for all of you, or at least the few that I have posted along side with in the OD forum. It's kind of silly, but really, it's just pretty cool. Sometimes I question myself as to what I'm doing, cruising these forums about extracting fentanyl and injecting oxymorphone. I sit and feel guilty about it to be quite honest, as I know that if any of my counselors from the current outpatient that I go to, would frankly shit there beautiful pants, if they knew I was engaging in such topics. But I kind of believe that this whole thing is not about how to get the biggest rush, or how to defeat the new oxycodone time release. Sure, it's there, but there's something of more substance really, because I know that when I was using, and visiting this site, I definately learned a few things that might have saved my life, or at least a limb or too. And that's not to say that I didn't engage in the filthy junky activitys that you hear of in the rooms of NA,I've shared needles, I've shared cookers, I've shot up Benadryl and suboxone WITHOUT a micron filter (not smart) and I've injected every research chemical I've ever gotten my hands on, more than once resulting in psychotic paranoia, but through it all I at least had some information about what it was I was actually doing. And after spending a month in a hospital bed because I shot coke with a dirty needle, and my best friend came down with Hep C, well I actually think that harm reduction is really, incredibly important, and I'm sure this site has saved lives.
So yeah, bluelight is what's up.
Anyway, being clean.. Or clean on suboxone I should say, for the purists.. It's going pretty well. My outpatient program is pretty good, and I've met quite a few good friends, who for once, have all stayed sober thus far. I'm not going to many meetings quite honestly, because though 12 step programs have helped thousands of people, and kept me clean once for 9 months, this time around, I just can't get into it. I don't know what it is, but whenever I enter those rooms now, it just makes me want to use more. It's weird because the only other period of sobriety that I've ever had, like I said above, was due in large part to AA and NA, but now I almost am repulsed by the whole thing. Perhaps it's because my mom, who is now in al-anon, is absolutely crazy about the 12 steps, and though I get along with my mother pretty well now, I think I stil have that teenager instinct to despise everything she finds great. I'm just going to go with my outpatient and my friends for now, and see how things go.
But Jesus Christ, sometimes I just miss it so god damn much. Especially cocaine for some reason. I mean, there is just nothing that I've experienced so far into sobriety, that gives the incredible excitement of sitting in my downstairs bathroom, lit dimly by a bare bulb, and holding up a syringe filled with cocaine up to my face, flicking the air bubble up the bubble, knowing that in the next few seconds, things are going to get intensely strange.
But I guess the whole problem to begin with is misinterpreting pleasure for happiness. I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with baking cakes and watching episode after episode of whatever my new favorite show on Netfix is. Oh, and writing my posts on bluelight of course.
That's it for today
So, I've been clean for about 118 days now, a month of which was spent in Long Island College Hospital, being prodded with syringes by novice phlebotomists and student doctors. It was horrible I tell you! But I guess in the end it brought me to where I am today, writing a blog on bluelight, using my ipad2 which I still havnt pawned off yet.... Ooh, the things I sold for drugs.
I spend so much time on this site, which is a funny thing for me really, as I hate Sofia networking, and am avidly against using facebook, god forbid I be hunted down by some unhappy ex-girlfriends, but for some reason I feel different about bluelight. I mean, I really love this website, this community, dare I call it that, but it's truly how I feel. The only "groups" where I ever felt like I belonged have been in rehabs, next to methadone clinics, and here. I feel a genuine compassion for all of you, or at least the few that I have posted along side with in the OD forum. It's kind of silly, but really, it's just pretty cool. Sometimes I question myself as to what I'm doing, cruising these forums about extracting fentanyl and injecting oxymorphone. I sit and feel guilty about it to be quite honest, as I know that if any of my counselors from the current outpatient that I go to, would frankly shit there beautiful pants, if they knew I was engaging in such topics. But I kind of believe that this whole thing is not about how to get the biggest rush, or how to defeat the new oxycodone time release. Sure, it's there, but there's something of more substance really, because I know that when I was using, and visiting this site, I definately learned a few things that might have saved my life, or at least a limb or too. And that's not to say that I didn't engage in the filthy junky activitys that you hear of in the rooms of NA,I've shared needles, I've shared cookers, I've shot up Benadryl and suboxone WITHOUT a micron filter (not smart) and I've injected every research chemical I've ever gotten my hands on, more than once resulting in psychotic paranoia, but through it all I at least had some information about what it was I was actually doing. And after spending a month in a hospital bed because I shot coke with a dirty needle, and my best friend came down with Hep C, well I actually think that harm reduction is really, incredibly important, and I'm sure this site has saved lives.
So yeah, bluelight is what's up.
Anyway, being clean.. Or clean on suboxone I should say, for the purists.. It's going pretty well. My outpatient program is pretty good, and I've met quite a few good friends, who for once, have all stayed sober thus far. I'm not going to many meetings quite honestly, because though 12 step programs have helped thousands of people, and kept me clean once for 9 months, this time around, I just can't get into it. I don't know what it is, but whenever I enter those rooms now, it just makes me want to use more. It's weird because the only other period of sobriety that I've ever had, like I said above, was due in large part to AA and NA, but now I almost am repulsed by the whole thing. Perhaps it's because my mom, who is now in al-anon, is absolutely crazy about the 12 steps, and though I get along with my mother pretty well now, I think I stil have that teenager instinct to despise everything she finds great. I'm just going to go with my outpatient and my friends for now, and see how things go.
But Jesus Christ, sometimes I just miss it so god damn much. Especially cocaine for some reason. I mean, there is just nothing that I've experienced so far into sobriety, that gives the incredible excitement of sitting in my downstairs bathroom, lit dimly by a bare bulb, and holding up a syringe filled with cocaine up to my face, flicking the air bubble up the bubble, knowing that in the next few seconds, things are going to get intensely strange.
But I guess the whole problem to begin with is misinterpreting pleasure for happiness. I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with baking cakes and watching episode after episode of whatever my new favorite show on Netfix is. Oh, and writing my posts on bluelight of course.
That's it for today
