2C-D(riven thoughts).

So that I'll stop spamming the Cuddle Puddle with my thoughts, I figure I'd bring them here.

I don't know if it's the slight "perception change" that comes with psychedelics (phenethylamines aren't nearly as strong as on tryptamines for me) or if I'm just paying more attention to all sides of my brain instead of repressing the 'less pleasant' side like usual... but I feel that drugs really brings out the true nature of people. If that person is truly awed and curious about things, he just becomes more so. If that person is naturally anxious and just needs help coming out of his shell, his trip will start anxiously before he can reach peace with it. If someone is naturally giving and always concerned with the well-being of others, she'll be more concerned with those around her during the trip than herself. If someone is inherently self-absorbed, however, they will be selfish on their trip. They will not pick up on the cues that others are giving them, or will completely ignore their pleas in favor of their own pleasures or wants.

Perhaps that is a selfish thought of me to have, but I feel (right now at least) as though it is the truth. Rather than sharing the trip with those she is with, my friend T has been playing a game on her computer while talking with people on Skype for the duration of the trip: from dropping to the present. Not just one round, either. She is currently on her fourth. We asked her at the end of the last one to join us, to chill with us, the people with whom she is tripping. But she said "no" since we don't have a clear idea of what we want to do once she stops.

WE JUST WANT TO ENJOY EACH OTHER AND EACH OTHERS' PRESENCES, DAMNIT. I invited her to join us because we done 2C-D together before (about 2 years ago now) and enjoyed it immensely. I don't like listening to these people's voices who I don't know, who I can't see. I feel like I can't let go of myself. I want to listen to soft, mellow music... not the sounds of their harsh language and the sound effects from their violent game. But, I'm too concerned with leaving her in here by herself... as selfish as she's being, I can't remove myself from her presence completely because I don't want her to feel abandoned.

I just want her to realize that we are her friends, here in front of her, and not to ignore us so completely. I want her to feel as concerned for me and my well-being as I do for hers. I think it hurts to know that she apparently doesn't. She seems to be one of those selfish people that I just cannot understand. I don't want this to be a friendship breaker, but I fear it will be. Once a person becomes so aware of another, it is difficult to forget it.

I have not been able to enjoy my trip, because I never felt that I peaked. I cannot truly say I have come down, since I never "came up"...there was certainly an onset, and there are certainly effects, but mentally I am so unaffected...or just negatively so...that I cannot enjoy this. I was so enthusiastic about sharing this experience, I was so excited for the chance to trip on one of my most sentimental substances (2C-D is the first drug experience I shared with my boyfriend, and is partially what brought us together - actually, it could almost be completely attributed to it... but that's an entry for another day)... but I have been let down by the company I chose to share it with, I suppose.

I do not want to be selfish; I do not want to let this keep me from sharing experiences with others in the future, but I fear it will cause me to hesitate further. Tripping is an intimate thing, and no matter how well you think you know someone, it may not be enough...

I am sad.

 

Please forgive any spelling and grammar mistakes. I posted without proofreading and did not realize that blog posts do not have an "edit" function. ^^;;

 

Update: There were so many other thoughts that I had; yet I did not want to dwell on them. Instead I wanted to move past them. Thankfully a lot of the difficulties this evening were dissipated when T admitted that next time she did not want to have her computer with her, as it caused her to zone out and focus on nothing else, so perhaps not all has been lost.

I still never quite got "there" with it...I feel it affecting me physically, but still am very mentally clear-headed with only minor visual softening still occurring. I was able to drive T home and reflect on things, I was 100% cognitively clear-headed and able to focus on driving. I certainly didn't feel under the influence of anything at all, other than the metallic taste of the nasal drip that I get on phenethylamines for some reason.

Took some melatonin and L-tryptophan when I got home and then had a lovely conversation with my flatmates that helped put me in a much better headspace than I had been in previously. I don't know if the sedatives will be enough, however. I certainly hope so.

 

Sorry to hear it didn't go too well kiddo.

Glad you're feelin' better now though.
what she did was pretty messed. Almost like she just wanted your drugs and nothing else.
As you said, drugs [especially psychs] bring out the true person, and you clearly love your friends if you were affected that much by her antics. IMO, that's something that you should feel good about.

 

Thank you for your kind words, my friend. I feared that it was a sign of my own selfishness that I was so affected (and upset) by her actions. It's good to know that it doesn't seem that way to everyone, necessarily.