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Whether discussing any kind of abusing drugs: addiction to alcohol, cocaine addiction, crystal meth addiction, as well as strong drugs dependency, the particular routine is similar:

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I'm going on a dope run with my friend in the afternoon today. We will be meeting this other girl I know and getting bags from her dealer, eleven total. So I just hope we don't get busted when driving in the city or any where for that matter. At least we didn't have to go to philly this week because of all the staties flooding the area right now and I don't feel like calling my mother to bail me out of jail. Other than that we're going to go to a diner and probably just get a pot of coffee, just to talk and what not. I don't think I will be able to eat because today I couldn't even do that. I have horrible cramps and my antidepressant was upped so I'm feeling sick which means if I add heroin on top of that its going to be another no go. It doesn't really bother me though, I just don't want to end up puking my guts out. I never have before but I feel like this time I will and I'm not looking forward to it but this is going to be really good dope, making it worth it. In the end I'm just happy that this deal will be safe and I don't have to bring a knife with me. Had to do that shit the last time because I was copping from strangers. Well, at least I can skip that shit this time.

Drunk Jenny and sober Jenny seem to be getting on a bit better.

Drank 3/4 of a bottle of wine which would normally have me totally ratted and I'm feeling more mellow than anything. Pat was meant to text me about going out but I think he's gone out with the younger ones from work. Even though he and I are just friends but he would have pissed drunk Jenny off a few months ago by not bothering to get in touch. Now I'm not really feeling fussed. It would just be another night out in Gala that I can't really afford. He tends to sit with me all the time if there's a night out and it's better he has this adventure on his own and meets a nice girl. I'm there to guide him, I just worry about him because he's precociously clever in some ways but a bit naive in others. He'll be fine I'm sure. I like being friends with him. He understands how I work. I think if he finds himself a girl it will help him grow up a bit more.

I haven't got maudlin either. Normally I would get totally maudlin by now. I feel pretty fine. Apart from the fact I ate potato. I'm going to feel rotten tomorrow :-/

Although... I can see that the sad songs have started being played on Youtube. It's fine though. I've learnt to feel the sadness then move on from it... it's not quite as hard as I thought it would be... and it's not a bad thing... just a bloody confusing thing. One cool thing is people have started understanding how my moods work and they know just to ignore me. I'm learning to laugh at myself when I get like that too... which is really good.

Ahhhh god. I'm feeling sentimental now. Might just polish off the rest of this bottle of wine and then go to bed. I don't need to get up early for anything tomorrow, apart from to go and buy food. I can cope with a hangover while I do that.

How the mighty fall. I used to be able to drink a shitload. Now I like the feeling of being able to drink about a bottle of wine max and go to bed after. Even if I go out drinking I am always ready for my bed by the end of the night unless drugs are involved. I kind of like it. The social scene in this town is fucking rubbish. Apart from the odd gig at Reiver or unexpected rampage with Debbie or Colm I am ok with staying in.

Sometimes though... there's this emptiness inside me and I don't know how to make it better. I've tried drink and drugs. I've tried friends and love. Nothing seems to work. What is it I am missing? I don't get it. I don't mean to sound bigheaded but I know shitloads of people and there's so many people that want to spend time with me that I avoid spending time with. Why? I don't want to get too close to anyone. It's so weird. I don't know how to change. Do I need to change? Is it better to maintain this independence?

There was a time when I was younger that I couldn't even walk into a shop on my own. I was terrified of life. Now I'm doing everything on my own, trying to take care of my own shit... and I still can't figure out what's missing from my life. I don't really miss sex. I miss drugs but I could get them if I wanted them and I'm not that fussy really. I miss socialising but I can't be bothered as most people I know are younger and I can't stand the pretentious bitchy scene around here.

This blog is the only place that I reveal what I'm really thinking. I've got a facebook account but it's all for show. I don't really give much away on there. It's more a way of keeping in touch with people without having to actually spend time with them and portraying the person I want them to see that I am because I just want to keep myself to myself.

I have music, and I have me. Then how, do I fill the emptiness inside that I feel... that catches me when I least expect it...

When I'm not browsing, I'm a duck.

Forever grondling.
http://i.imgur.com/g6Pwt.jpg

I enjoy these nights I have to myself.

It's freezing cold outside and the single bar halogen heaters I have in the flat don't really keep the place warm... unless I shut both doors in the living room... but that just makes me feel hemmed in. I'm wearing a hoodie over my dress and a pair of fingerless gloves keep my hands from getting cold.

I chase the coldness and the stress away with a bottle of wine and a packet of super slim cigarettes. I indulge myself in whatever music I want to hear at that moment. Could be Erasure, could be Morrissey, could be the Eagles... just whatever expresses what's inside my heart at that time.

I don't have much to show for 30 years on this earth when it comes to physical items. But I'm surviving and that's enough.

I guess these nights are like a "date night" with myself. I'm starting to come around after what feels like a forever of coasting by on the surface and I'm not afraid to dive into myself anymore. I'm not ashamed of myself anymore and it's been a long time coming.

It's the little things. Listening to my body. I can't eat potatoes, and dairy products make me bloat. So I stop eating them instead of giving into momentary cravings. Maybe I should apply that theory to the rest of my life. Just because I crave something doesn't mean I have to have it, if it's not good for me.

Sometimes I crave drugs badly. But I get through it, and only indulge in rare moments when it's safe and sensible to do so.

There's been a few things and people that I've craved really strongly for lately and I'm trying to break myself of the habit by reminding myself that a momentary fix is not going to heal me. I need real, strong, unbreakable truths in my life. I've spent so long in my own world, knowingly oblivious to reality. That scares me because I have made things so hard for myself. I crowned myself the queen of irrelevance.

Life is a strange thing, and it's hard, and I didn't realise that the struggle to figure out what the fuck I'm doing would be an ongoing thing... but I'm doing what I can. I can do better, I'm certainly not doing my best. I need to put my all into it instead of being scared to try because I'm afraid of being hurt. I got far too hurt far too early right and I've let the damage eat right through my defences until they are all rusty and broken. I don't want that. I don't want to constantly question myself or stay up too late worrying about what people think of me or wondering why I'm still alone. I want to surround myself with love from my family, my friends and maybe one day from a guy. I limit myself. I let my friends and my family closer than anyone else... I just can't seem to let any potential suitors past my armour. I have used the excuse of a relationship that ended years ago dictate this, I let it consume me and alienate me and I can't do that anymore. It became an excuse for not trying and I delayed the grieving process for years because it was easier for me to believe that that was it for me and that nothing else would do, or would happen for me. I can't say I wouldn't go back to him if it happened... but then again maybe I just haven't found the right person to move on with like he has.

I think I'm too complex for any guy to deal with though. That makes me sad.

...until I have to be at court. I am nervous but doped up on oxy so I don't feel much of anything. I don't even feel high.

"All the drugs are strangely sobering" is a line from one of my favorite songs...

Maybe tonight they will be more intoxicating. I'm freezing cold but also hot.

This morning I was in withdrawal and tonight I am flying high. I hope the judge doesn't notice my pinned pupils.

It's not a criminal case, however. It's a civil case.

I hate court.

I just want to be young and have fun.

I haven't had fun in such a long time. Just the same old shit, over and over. Day in and day out. There must be something wrong with me, that I'd subject myself to this type of torture.

I really hope I got that job.

Has anyone ever gone to a job interview high and got the job???

I have done it twice. I am not proud of that.

I should probably get in the shower...

So I'm going to donate plasma tomorrow. I'm just going to use this money on dope which I should be getting Saturday. I don't plan on doing that all the time for dope, its just I want to go this time and get the possible drug testing out of the way, as well as the whole questionnaire shit. I don't know how many bags I'm going to pick up yet though, maybe six of them....depends. I do feel bad that I am going to pick up more heroin. The reason is because I promised my best friend I wouldn't and my other best friend who I consider my sister doesn't even know, I'm too afraid to tell her. She would be heartbroken. Another reason I feel horrible is because my mother doesn't even know and if she did, she would have a stroke. So yeah, I really only keep to myself about my drug use. I wish I could talk to them about it but they wouldn't understand or they would totally flip. No one expects me to be using heroin, yeah only smoking weed but not using heroin. So if they found out it would be a total smack to the face.

Other than that my doctor finally set me up with a psychiatrist so they can better prescribe me. He said I could of waited three weeks but I said I rather have him refer me now. I'm tired of relying on these antidepressants that don't do shit. My doctor only kept me on 100mg's of zoloft and wasn't keen that I have been prescribed ativan but oh well they can suck my metaphorical dick.... I actually want something better than ativan though because its not that great of a benzo. The shitty thing is I have this one re-fill left and that's why I need to get to the psychiatrist as soon as possible. I mean I have been spreading out my ativan but it won't be there forever and that's why I hope I can get it re-filled. I don't see why not? I have no record of drug use known....whenever I was asked if I used drugs, even pot I had said no. Lol, even when they asked me if I drink alcohol I was like, "No, only wine at a wedding." Hahah, sorry I am not letting you know anything so you can just prescribe me ibprofen or some more shitty antidepressants. I've been on three and I really tried but they just don't work. I can't even go on prozac because my sister had a negative effect from it and I mean negative. Such as seeing her puke up the lining of her stomach because she attempted suicide....then she is rushed to the hospital. Yeah, the summer before senior year....one hell of a summer and not in a good way.

I won't leave this world without changing it. In the midst of all the chaos that defines our current predicament, you'll receive guidance from one who is just as lost as you are, but who knows his way better that you do.

So Sunday night my cousin came over to smoke some high.grade with me. The only problem was that my supplier wouldn't answer his phone. I didn't want to let my cousin down and I've been wanting to try this legal weed Id been hearing about. So I told my cousin about it and that it could kill you but it'll get u higher than any weed. So after he agreed to try it with me we went to a local gas station and purchased 3 grams of "zombie hoe". When we got back I rolled a blunt and we took about 10 hits each. That night I felt as if I smoked a ton of weed, and my cousin said he was experiencing a whole new trippier high.! I laughed and we joked and ate as the high went down. We finished the blunt with about 5 hits each and my cousin left.
Since he left me with about a gram and a half I rolled 3 fat joints to get me through the week.

The next morning I woke up for school got dress and went straight outside to smoke. I took about 5 hits, and only stopped because I felt a strong high coming on. I walk to school and the school is literally up the street from my house. So as soon as I put the blunt out and started walking I was tripping TF out. The ground felt like a tred mil and I was scared a car was going to hit me. Theres an island in the middle of the 4 way in front of the school, and I spent what felt like forever trying to cross the street to get to the island. I had to keep reminding myself that I was crossing the street because I couldn't bring myself to reality and I felt like I was in one of those dreams where I could only move SUPER slow.

So once I finally made it into school I was the highest I've ever been in my life.! I didn't know what school I was in and everybody looked so weird and short. I was viewing people in a whole new way. The further I walked up the hall the higher I got.! I felt like I was in a dream and I was going to faint at any second. At that moment I knew I had to get to first period annd sit down. But at that time I didn't know where my first period was or my teachers name, but lucky for me he was standing outside the room and I recognized him.

As I went into first period I didn't recognize anything. It looked as if the whole class had been rearranged but in reality it hadn't. When I put my head down and closed my eyes I would see neon cartoon characters but then It switched to me feeling like my desk was doing 360's so I kept lifting up my head. Before I knew it we were 30 minutes into class and it felt like 5.

My high started to fade later in class because I regained my memory but the base high kept coming and going. Even up until track practice.! I debated going because I could barely feel my legs but I went anyway. (Bad descision). I kept a slow pace because I was still high, but eventually I had to sprint with a teamate. From what I could see I was going full speed, because at this point my legs are numb. But things started flashing in the middle of the race and I kept getting lower to the ground with each blink until I was doing a 360 on the track. It really snapped me back into a weed feeling high, and I got up and went about the rest of my day.

If I ever get the chance I would like to trip off k2 at my home and watch cartoons. I feel that I would of experienced a much better time if I weren't at school. And maybe I was just that high cus I smoked on a complete empty stomach and fresh out the bed.

... and I just snorted half of an 8mg, oh god why did I do that... Oh god I think I taste blood in the drip oh god why did I do that... D;

Doc only gave me 'enough to last me til my appointment on Monday', which is actually way more than enough, but I think I'm going to ask him about methadone when I go... I don't know if he can actually prescribe methadone, he's an MD psychiatrist type person, but I think if I asked him about it and played my cards right he probably would ... if he can. He's pretty generous. I guess I'll find out Monday... I really can't afford Suboxone, and I really hate asking my dad for the money, but he wants me off this shit as much as I do, so ... ... *Sigh*

... Seriously, oh god why did I snort this shit, it didn't even do anything...

I feel so much better though... The subs (almost..) completely kill the cravings... =)

[ Edit: Whoa... This actually feels pretty good... Oh dear... ]

To be honest I was going to come on here tonight and continue my bitch about the girl mentioned in last night's blog. Then I got to thinking... why am I even doing this? What's the point in ripping someone who wronged me to shreds? I blame her for misleading me and making a cunt of me in front of my friends... but she's just a young girl, quite a few years younger than me, everyone does stupid shit when they're younger. I felt like she took something really important to me but to be honest... what was "taken" went willingly and was no longer... indeed... never was my possession. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I have loved too much in the past and people I've loved have seemed like possessions... which is wrong. Damn. I just loved him so much and although I knew he was going to meet someone else, I knew it would be her, and I saw a lot of it unfold. It just hurt me so much. To the point that when I confirmed my worst fears I got drunk for three days straight. Drank bottle after bottle of whiskey and cried my eyes out. Thankfully I had a holiday from work so I could grieve in peace.

I need to leave all of this behind. None of this serves any purpose anymore and it's wrong to have this chip on my shoulder.

Same goes for the one guy I met a year or two ago who I really liked. I made an arse of myself, and he was obviously too immature and emotionally cold to deal with someone as all-out flamboyant and intense as me. I have to accept that it wasn't me that was defected, and likewise neither was he... it just wasn't right for me. He frustrates me... I really regret making more of it than it ever was but feel that he gave some pretty mixed signals off.

I'm better on my own. I can't cope as part of a couple... I'm just not used to it. Sex doesn't matter to me. I don't need romantic love. All of it is just a lovely dream that I once had.

That relaxing feeling when you get the delivery that is going to remove the reality of the last few days. Brightened my day right up.

o yea

people who intend to do bad things
do not understand where their intent comes from,
and often only notice the intent exists after the fact.

we must, as a species, start putting a stop to the cycles and channels of pain that we transfer between one another.

we're running out of time to understand forgiveness collectively; when you look at humans on a macroscopic scale, it's too easy to say "we've fucked up."

It's cold and I am sick of working, why can't I just have money without having to go through all of this monotonous shit.

Police called me an hour before I was supposed to be there and told me they don't need to see me they are taking everything they have (i don't even know what that is!) to the prosecutor. So I'll hear of my fate tomorrow or Monday. Funny thing was, hearing that didn't scare me or make me feel anything actually except glad that no police will be twisting my words or trapping me now.

Then I went to work and spent the day thinking of ways to find pills.... I didn't actually come up with an answer to this but my source is seriously drying up so must find a solution.

My dreams between broken withdrawal sleep last night were seriously fucked up. Worse than anything I've ever even seen in horror films. A stiched up woman with her organs on show ripping body parts off and tearing herself in half then flying around with broken wings protruding from this messed up human body. It had started with people wired up to machines giving them blood then worked its way to that.

Not used to such vivid, freakish dreams. I'm sure Freud would love it.

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In mid September, jeffery Corrigan & Shaw LLPcommission, chief investment officer of Solios Asset Management told a news wire service, I think we are seeing the end in the iceberg of monetary investors entering the physical uranium market. At the Platts Nuclear Fuel Strategies conference in Washington, earlier this week, Jeffery Corrigan Shaw was a cat. Besides did he take extensive notes during the speeches, but he was first-in-line to question the majority of the speakers after their presentations.

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Again, the uranium price worried many in the conference. Ending the HEU hung around behind the minds of utility executives probably because many wondered where future SWU would come from, in case the Russians terminate supplies to U.S. utilities. Should preparations not be taken right now, it would not surprise us to view a super-spike while in the cost of uranium which Sprott Asset Management's Kevin Bambrough has occasionally warned us about. U.S. utilities remain complacent, assured the Department of Jeffery Corrigan Shaw should come to the rescue with the last second. But will they?

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This isn't always the price level U.S. utilities would like to learn about, but it really might get to be the floor price money for hard times tariff of uranium. Perhaps, Mr. Kundalkar, the v . p . from Florida Power and Light whom we mentioned during the first article within this series, should be aware of just what the uranium miners are saying. We arejeffery Corrigan Shaw CPA.

Listening to this song over and over... I love it so much and all it does is make me think of you, as well as your passing. Reminds me that you're sadly not coming home and the only way I can see you now is in my dreams. Until of course it is my time but until then see you. This is not a goodbye. I love and miss you Zachary. Rest in peace 11/27/91 - 4/18/2011

Thought I'd give this blog thing a go. Living a life like Eastenders I may aswell write about it!

Tomorrow I have to go meet bail. Because not only do I retreat into my drugs but I make stupid decsions about the people I allow into my life aswell. Got involved with someone else who liked to retreat into drugs. Turns out he's missing a few things upstairs. Controlling son of a bitch.

I even helped him run his company so he could live the good life while his women do his bidding. Turns out he gets a bit pissed when his women decide they can't handle checking in every hour and not being allowed friends and walk away. That's what I did last June.

Since then I have been arrested twice on accusations of fraud. First one fell through quite easily. This one is not going to be so nice. Turns out when the other party has all the evidence they can farm it out as they please to make you look guilty and the police allow it, no, encourage it. Doesnt bother them that I have evidence of his stalking me, they have to investigate everything, no matter how often the person cries wolf!

So, got this horrible feeling i'm going to be charged tomorrow.... and I have nothing here to take my stress away, in fact I'm in withdrawal so it's hardly improving my mood. A good shower has just helped me decide however I will not let him break me! I will also not let him make me loose my job, it's not like he hasn't tried, sending my boss long letters with lots of libellous claims about me.... haven't lost my job yet, i'm sure lots of absense for the court time will bring me close though.

I just want a fucking cigarette and some opiates. Make myself totally numb through this whole fucking mess!

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I have the best job ever. The job is the best job I could ever have, and ever want! I obviously work with the best people I could, they're my second family. I'd do anything for them, and they'd do anything for me! Not only that, it's a fun fun job, it's always changing, there's downtime when it's slow, or some days I'm always on my toes, busy busy busy. The benefits are great and the pay is one of the best paid positions in my state within my field!

So, I have been out of work since May 2010. Almost two years. At first I was on short term disability, then at the 6 month mark, I moved to long-term disability. After a year, I technically lost my job (but thankfully NOT my disability benefits!) and was no longer employed. Legally, they had every right to hire someone and fill my position. Generously, they didn't, and amazingly, they still haven't!

Today, I visited work. I spoke to my Immediate Bosses as well as the big big bosses. Each and every one of them said "When are you coming back!"... "Take as long as you need".. "But hurry back, we miss you!!".. "The Big Chair is waiting for you!!", among others. It feels so amazing to know that they feel I am irreplaceable to them. (So they've told me). I just cannot believe they have held my job for this long, and are continuing to do so.. it just the greatest feeling.

When you walk into a building and every single person there stops and says "HEEEEY! How are you!! How are you feeling? (and right away) WHEN YOU COMIN BACK??" I must have talked to 30 different people from work and every single one of them asked me when I was coming back. It feels so awesome to be missed! People wanted specific dates.. it was such a warming feeling. I can't wait to go back, I know I have an entire family waiting for me.

Not many people can say they have a job they love, work with people the love and actually want to go to work everyday. I can honestly say, I miss my job, I can't wait to go back, I never ever want to leave it, and I honestly enjoy going to work! It's constantly changing, always something new going on, and definitely a great place to spend most of my career.

A boss who will reserve your job for you for over two years, without any type of legal obligation to is certainly someone you'd definitely want to continue working for. It's like ultimate job security!

The warmest feeling ever

I'm so bloody tired.

I've been hiding away from BL a wee bit after recent postings that have had me questioning stuff. My head's a bit of a mess with it to be honest, and I really needed to get some perspective.

I've not really found anything much but I'm committed to pushing through what is a bit of an uneasy time of life.

Went out at the weekend, took some meph and drank rum. Saw a ska band. Was a great night. Met a really nice guy who is a festival DJ. He plays really eclectic stuff, 1940's music and suchlike. I met him last year at Electronic Soul as he was bartending for Auntie Glen when he wasn't DJing. Actually thought he was gay (not that it matters, just an observation) but it turns out he rather likes me. That was cool as fuck, I was really flattered. He's got a girlfriend though, and I'm not really ready to be more than friends with anyone right now. My mate Colm said he couldn't take his eyes off me and that he kept asking stuff about me, like he was trying to suss me out. To be honest as soon as I clapped eyes on him I was a bit like "wow". It was nice to have a moment even if that's all it was. I googled his DJ name and he's got quite a following on the festival scene. I liked the fact that when I said "are you <insert dj name here>" he was like "yeah but call me Jim because I hate telling people I'm a DJ cos it makes me sound like a twat"... that just did it for me. Anyway, hopefully I'll see him around and he can be another of my army of friends

I've started losing weight again! I think it's because I was so skint, I was living off coffee at work and a single tin of soup or whatever I could find in the cupboard at home. My waist is getting smaller which is great, although I wish I could lose more off my tummy, face and bum. I'm trying though. Technically it should be easier as I'm incredibly restricted in what I can eat because of the insulin intolerance problem I have. If something is bad for me then my body disposes of it very quickly. I was gross tonight, I ate a whole package of salami and a huge margarita pizza. I crave cured meat and I'm meant to be vegetarian :/ I had an indian takeaway last night and I could only eat a tiny bit of it. After tonight's binge I feel totally sick and was so close to making myself sick it was unreal. I worry sometimes that I'm an eating disorder waiting to happen. I think I have some kind of problem, the way I binge sometimes, it's not natural. I'm curbing it more now, and I try not to keep much food in the house, especially trigger foods.

I am so fucking angry. This blog entry was a lot longer and included a rant about my exes girlfriend and the shit she caused for me before she started going out with him... and the computer cut out. Rant was lost. Probably for the best, she's a manipulative fucking bitch and there's no point talking about it now. I might post about it tomorrow if I still feel angry about it. It's funny how things that happened nearly two years ago can still anger me so much. It just annoys me that people think she's so fucking nice and so innocent... and she really fucked me over. Still though, my own fault for being so trusting, and the people that believed her shit aren't in my life anymore... nuff said really.

Anyway I'm getting agitated now and there's no point. It's water under the bridge, I just wish people saw her for what she really was, or at least believed the way she took me for a fool. It doesn't matter anyway. The people that stuck around know the truth about what she did to me and if she really wronged me then karma will put things right.

Gonna sign off now, will write more tomorrow when I'm a bit less strung out.

I found a song I bet you sang
When your first love slipped away.
And those letters on your hand,
Say life wasn't meant to be this way.

And even if we share our stories
It won't make this okay
Only remember, remember

I am more than the sparrows, I cannot fall
And I will not sell for their little bit of change.

Nothing is covered that won't be relieved.
Nothing is hidden that will not be known.
What I tell you in the dark should be said in the light.
What I whisper to you softly...he'd be saying.

I am more than the sparrows, I cannot fall.
And I will not sell for their little bit of change

Do not be afraid of those who kill our bodies
Do not be afraid they cannot kill our souls.
I will not lie in the grave. I won't be taken.

In 2 weeks I will be homeless, I will be without a place to sleep, and place to find warmth. I have no money and no food.
It's going to be a cold winter this year I hear, and I hear your first winter outside is always the hardest, and when the next winter comes along you will atelast know of some options.
I can blame my homelessness on everything, from drugs, booze, and the choices I make/made in my life. I got to the point where I lost faith, and hope in myself.
I know the days, they are coming quick. It is already December, can u belive that?
I have made some plans, in what I am going to do.
I'm not going to tell anyone here at school what I am going to do, I pack things to keep me warm, and bottles of water and mix all my protien powder togerther(choclate n vanila) in a walmart bag or somethng insted of taking up room of those big jugs.
I dont have to much winter gear, just hoodys and a cheapy comforter.
I havn't realy scoped out my city yet for places to sleep, or sheds to sleep in. I did check out that there is a shelter/mission home about 20 so miles from me, and I have my skateboard so maybe I can get there in 5 hours or so.
I have my school back pack, nothing like a hiking back back. It have room for computer and books. Dont know if I will bring cloths or not, maybe just tripple my layers before I leave.
I not scared of what is to happen. I have been off of drugs and booze for a little over 3 weeks now. I really have to stay sober, I don't want to be a bum, i'd much rather be a hobo and stay in search of work.
thats all i got to say right now