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Have you had a bad day?

I've been there....early December 2006. Except, I had been on a 2 week binge, minimal sleep or food, and I was hallucinating an thought there were DEA agents outside and saw cops on the rooftop of the neighboring buidings. So, I swallowed a 2 gram bag of crystal meth...I then went to sleep...
Electricity; thats what I saw and heard....static, white volts...I jumped up, just to fall down, panting, struggling to breathe, and writhing on the floor. I remember shaking and not being able to talk...fortunately, I had friends there...they would help me, and take me to a doctor.
Wrong.
A basement is where I went, and was left with a dog. I vaguely recall a female saying, "...yeah, let's go..."
I think I said, "Don't leave me," but I did not realize at that point that I was unable to form coherent words; only noises, reaching from the cold and dirty floor desperately, for my friends. Laughter, and then silence.

Almost a week later, I woke up in a room.
I was confused, disoriented, and still shaking, barely able to walk. I had to hold onto the wall to guide me to the door, and then I saw a cop. And I was not hallucinating. Fell out again.

2 days after, I was allowed a phone call; so I called my mom.
"Where are you?" she demanded.
"I'm in jail, mom!" I replied. The jailer looked at me. And I noticed something.
My mother began to cry hysterically, and I said, "Mom, mom! What is wrong? Help me!"
I still, over a week after I ingested a 2 gram package of crytal meth, could not form words.
I could not talk. I was still shaking uncontrollably. And unable to talk.
The fear that gripped me was as intense as what got me there.
My speech was....just frantic noises.

6 months later, my speech was back to normal.
By 12 months, the shaking was gone.
5 years later, everything has been restored and multplied, just like in the book of Joel.
I made a decision that I did not want to die; I know I overdosed, and that I should have died. And at the very least, had neurological damage that was irreparable.
Today, I stand tall, and am successful in the career that I am in. Happy (75% of the time) with who I am.
I have a wonderful husband, great family, perfect baby. American dream. And I am only 25.
Before my 2 year addiction, I was spoiled, selfish. I was judgemental and cruel. I really thought I was something special and superior to everyone else. Pride comes before a fall.
And today?
Passion engulfs me with every project I do. I see people, pain and potential.
I cannot be cruel because I choose to look at the person behind the face...and though many of us come from different roads in life, all of our pain and trauma is equal.
Everyone is equal in God's eyes.
I am a special woman, but only because I chose to fight death.
It was a tough fight. Nothing good comes easy.
God Himself was with me...and together we beat the odds.
--reSearching4Myself

SWIM wants to know if taking 50mg or 100mg of Trazodone after cocaine use is dangerous. SWIM has a 100mg pill but wants to know if it's safe to take it, or safer to take half. SWIM has read some blogs on here, and they've said that it isn't a bad combination, but there is a possibility of serotonin syndrome. So, to the point, can anyone offer SWIM advice on this topic?

Thank you to those who comment with useful, or even non-useful answers,

-Joe Strange

Just took 1mg about an hour ago and another 1mg now. I feel slightly buzzed but want to go further. What should I do? Thanks guys!

I began my new job today working with Intellectually and Developmentally Disabled adolescents. The process of landing this job was intensity itself, and if I hadn't made the decision nearly there months ago to pull up my bootstraps and get sober for real this time, I don't think I'd be where I am right now. I feel so fulfilled - it was a wonderful day with wonderful co-workers and a positive atmosphere.

No more of that "I might die today" mentality that loomed above my psyche every day I worked at the psychiatric facility. Completely different professional environment and philosophical attitude.

I'm thrilled at the progress I've made since getting clean. That methoxetamine really did a number on me over all those months, but I no longer express psychotic symptoms and can look people in the eyes again. I'm back to a realistic weight for my tallness, and have such a more positive outlook. The last thing I needed, though, was the continuing pains of unemployment - so many days spent adrift in a sea of purposeless existential purgatory!

I like being able to look myself in the mirror again; I have finally rediscovered the love my eyes project.

Happy days, serene nights. What more could I ask for?

Good evening, Bluelight :D

~ vaya

I was wondering if taking 200mgs of Vyvanse (decently spread out through short periods of time) is too much to take within a 24 hour time period?

I got what is the equivalent of being told your best friend who you thought died 6 months ago is alive and fine...

It's nothing like that, but that's what it feels like.

On top of the fucking world.

Thanks for being there, bluelight(dark side saved me for sure)

hi I'm new to this but could really use some help... i am currently addicted to heroin as i have been for the past couple months, about two years ago i was diagnosed with an ulcer caused by alcohol... i inject the heroin and about one of every three shots i throw up, and once i start I'm usually hugging the toilet for the rest of the night... i was wondering if anyone knows if this has anything to do with my ulcer or if I'm just a pansy and can't handle my heroin haha someone please help... thank you

Well, today started out with every intention of being a second bum day in a row. I had no desire/nor reason to leave the house at all (minus walking the dog, but that doesn't count). Everything was great. I woke up at noon, took the dog out, then got set up to sit on my couch aaaallll day and catch up on Burn Notice! Had my Macbook, my iPad, the iPhone, my Bose headphones, my book, Tales of the Bounty Hunters, a cup of root beer, bottle of water, and my drugs... everything I needed to complete my day! Until...I turned on my computer, and all the images were turning purplish toned, as if I was looking at the negatives, or they were really really over exposed, if that's the right word... CRAP! But it was only the big images, like if I looked at a specific picture on Facebook, or if I website was loading, instead of the URL box highlighting in the normal blue as it loads, it was loading and highlighting in yellow. Not right! The little info box that pops up when you hover over something and it's supposed to tell you what it does, is usually yellow, well mine was magenta. So, oohing was right color wise on my computer! UGH, there goes my bum day...

Sooo, if you read my previous blogs, you will know that recently Apple replaced the logic board on my MacBook Pro for the screen randomly going black and "sleeping" and not waking when I clicked the track pad, moved the cursor, or pressed a key.. There was also a recall, so they replaced it no problem. So I called them and made an appointment at their "Genius Bar".

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Apple. I would never ever even consider buying anything from anyone else other than them. I've never had a problem with them. Their customer service is excellent! I'm never hassled, and this is the first major issue I've ever had in like 15 years of owning Apple products.

So I brought it in and they ran some tests and the want to run some overnight tests and diagnostics, and eventually they want to wipe the drive and see if there is a software error. So, I haven't backed up my computer to an external since June of 09, I figured it's probably time for that to happen. So, my computer has been in the den transferring all its files onto my xternal HD for hours! Damn I have a lotta stuff! Once I get that baby backed up, I'll bring it to Apple and leave it there for a day or two, and hopefully she'll come back as good as new! Maybe a shit ton faster bc I'll only put on things I want on there and don't need so I won't take up so much damn space!

So, I didn't get home til like 4, and my day wasn't so much a bum day after that, my dad and I stopped for food, so I didn't get to nap like I had planned . Maybe I can tomorrow? Tho I do have to drop the computer off at some point tomorrow...maybe I can get my ad to do it! after all, he IS going out!

Wish me luck my computer actually gets fixed tomorrow! And a huge bum day of watching Netflix alllll day, probably White Collar.. Or if there happens to be good episodes of either NCIS or SVU on USA, we'll see!

Nighty all!
V

Life is and always has been unpredictable. If I had been able to see years ago how my life would have ended up, I wouldn't of believed it. Even the girl 6 months ago wouldn't have believed how things turned out in the following months that led up to this point. Yet, just because things have turned out differently than I expected or wanted doesn't mean I'm going to remain upset over it. I'm not going to regret anything at all. If it wasn't suppose to happen then it just wasn't meant to be. So like they say "let the past make you a better person." And now I will move on and hope for the best. There is only here and now. There is no future. Yes, there may be a past but it doesn't define the person you have now become.

I don't get it? You ask someone not to do something, and I'm talking something little, that won't affect their daily routine at all, and they just don't listen. I've asked numerous people not to text or call me before 11. Everyone hates having their sleep cycle messed with. People should fucking understand. I go to bed late, and wake up late, always have.. So I can't imagine if you ask someone nicely, not to txt you before 11, why they consistently text you at 9, 8, or even fn 6am! I think saying, "could you please not text or call me before 11am" is a perfectly acceptable request.

I know I know, shut my ringer off. But I can't. I'm paranoid that something will happen and I'm terrified of the "what if" question. What if something happens to my baby brother, or any one of my friends, and they need help, I want to be there. Getting a call in the middle of the night is a whole lot different than someone texting you at 6am to just say hi. You think something's wrong and get worried! Wouldn't anyone?

People are so fn think, they just don't get it. I get cvs calling and reminding me of my prescription, cause there's older people who are up earlyand legit forget their prescriptions. But if someone is calling to sell me something, or to do a survey, fuck you assholes, call me after 1! And no I'm not buying your product or answering "a few" questions for you! You fucking woke me up! And then they apologize like thy actually mean it! Fuck no they don't, they're just happy someone picked up the phone on them! Unfortunately I can't block all calls except one that are stored in my contacts. That'd be a good feature! Hey, AT&T! Write that down! Apple, you get that too? But, then again, what if my brother gets locked up for something (not that he would, he's an MIT grad, very smart) but something you can't help, like the people you're with. So like what if my baby bro got locked up, he'd call me ASAP, because I do work in that area.. Also I'm his big sis! I just can't take that chance of missing that call..

I'm just saying, it's fucking aggravating, people, stop calling me before 11am!

Thanks for listening, always,
-V %)

So,half a hour ago at 3am I took 5mg of my first tryptamine, 4-ho-met. I just took a low dose just to see what it's like. After ten minutes or so I began to feel 'strange'. Something was different without a doubt. Cold shivers came together with a feeling of calm and happinness. Now, thirty minutes later that hasnt changed much. It's like I'm in a nice warm fuzzy blanket but still with the shivers. I feel good actually! No nausea or anxiety, nothing. Then again this is a very low dose and for me not visual at all. I do notice some 'shifts' in my vision, sometimes things blur out but thats about it. Typing and finding the right buttons is a little harder. I guess this is were I'll stay right?
As the previous time while I was writing on a low dosage of 2c-b it's harder for me to make up sentences and a coherent story so sorry if I jump from one thing to another, that's just the way my brain goes right now. Fuck, I'm happy. At this dosage and with this effects(besides the shivers) it would be a great social drug. Music sounds orgasmic. Especially energetic one. My body feels like it needs to make a move on every sound I hear. Did I mention I was happy?
I just noticed too, aldo I'm not really tripping, my pupils are dilated as fuck, where's ma blue eyes?

Actually some more good news, the cold shivers seem to fade away. Also my tongue is slightly(very) numb. Could be just my head messing with me too. There is definetly some type of (body) high present too. I don't feel enlightened or anything but altered for sure.

So summary for you guys(and me atm): at 5mg i experience quite a bit of euphoria, diluted pupils, cold shivers which are now away and became a warm feeling. Music is intenser and so is my surrounding. There are no visuals or changing vision.
I am enjoying this very much. I like the positive energy and euphoria. Ow there's some cold again. Stay away goddammit lol:D.
Don't think I'm not enjoying because I'm writing a report atm of usage, I just like telling.<==That point became a line, some visual change afterall? Man, never thought I'd appreciate metal music on psych's, machinehead rocks! Now some megadeth. How did i end up from electronic music to this?...ow skrillex, nvm. I guess the repeating darkening of the center of my screen is a visual too(or at least I hope so). Thoughts are sure going more rapid then else which sucks even more when typing.

I'm unbeatable, my mind is untreatable...Public enemy number one! damn thats a good song! This euphoria makes me think of a medium sized dosage of potent kratom. This chemical is so loving. Can't wait to try higher dosage to get some nice visuals. I got some CEV's but they arn't more precend than like after a bowl or something. Woops just noticed my backgammon game timed out, guess I forgot about it somewhere on the line. Do you guys get these 'rushes' too? Or maybe its more like a wave that bumps up in the head giving another happinessboost. I wonder if more people have tried low dosages of metocin just to get the euphoria and appreciation of the surroundings. Hold on, gotta move to this skrillex song, scream and shout people. I'm wondering how I will feel when I get up, just don't feel like it yet. Just gonna keep on shaking and moving in my bed. Man hands always look funny no matter what drug you're on. Could be just my alienfinger-hands too tho.

I'm just gonna enjoy the pure feeling this chem is giving me right now but in a while think I'll try it with some afghan/bubble in the bowl. Music stopped, need new music. Here we go zongamin! Anyways, I wonder if pot at this moment would enhance my feelings of euphoria or just kill them and let the pothigh take over. I think it could go that way, maybe...why do I need pot now anyways, happy as can be already, it would just blur it.

Now I actually think of it, and boy am I thinking a lot at the moment, it could be entirely because of the setting, good music, the writing on bluelight,...that this chem is giving me such energy and euphoria. Compared to a low dosage of 2c-b this is superfriendly. Even the come up tells you you're welcome. I'm pretty happy with this rc and this positives vibes are a good indication it's ok for me to try a normal dosage next time. It's gonna be with someone the next time I do tho. Talking about feelings and the experience is a lot easier than typing while on it. that -dude is distracting me a lot right now and I need music again. Lord of the dance, some irish music awesome. Dance dance where-ever you may be, I am the lord of the dance said he...or not because this is an instrumental version:D. Woops zoned out for the whole song, no wonder it's taking long to end this blog,message,whatever. ouga ouga ouga chaka...I-i-i-i-i-i am hooked on a feeling...What a song, guess my youtube playlist enabled itself.

I guess it's almost time to end this, no use in putting my thoughts here for the next hours too. It's already been an hour since i started typing this. Aldo it'll probably wasn't the most informative post, I had a blast lol!

Gonna keep on enjoying the happinness of the metocin! see ya guys....ow great there's a limited number of images i can use including smilies?lol, here goes another 30minutes of my time relocating them smileyfaces.

I have to write. It’s been a while since I’ve done cognitive writing, serious writing. And I suppose I am overwhelmed and feel the need to mention.

It started when I met someone randomly, thrown by fate, into a bar with my parents to have a burger and a few beers. I almost didn’t even go, I just got done hiking and I wanted to watch something on tv, but I went, to have some beers. He was working there, and I recognized him, he waited on us and I got his number eventually.
Then we hung out later that evening and it was like wading into a pool or something, a few things here and there but I had no idea how deeper it would go, proverbially.

I knew him from years and years ago originally, at a recreational deal during the summer, then we saw each other in school, I guess, we both don’t really remember much from that time but and for the first time it occurred to me that there are years and years even before I got really distracted that I just don’t know anything about him.

Ive never ever been so overwhelmed. I figured Id hear some old drug stories, but no, I couldn’t just listen and share along as planned, it was fucked up. It was so fucked up, the things he said, not really bothering me that some things are similar, at least to the point where I could help in any way, it was fucked up.

It was messed up because of what was going on, something bad. I wanted to tell him, “you might as well go back to doing heroin because in all honestly compared to what you are doing A LOT right now, what you went through with heroin is actually better for you in every way possible almost than what you are doing now.” But I couldn’t say that, what if he actually did it, or what if it really upset him. I had to watch what I said a lot, I sensed a lot of guilt and hate he had concerning himself.

The worst part about it was the first 15 minutes of when he really got into it, in that amount of time I was assaulted aurally by the facts, his brain damage from accidents, one of which was Benzo withdrawal Syndrome that caused a seizure which caused him to crash his car, as his head went through the metal part of the door. There were other brain injuries but his equilibrium is absolutely damaged still, either from the accident, the benzo and alcohol use, or both. That is the wild card, that is the great structure to this tower of bad he is completely and absolutely chemically dependant on benzodiazepins. He did steady amounts of large over medical dose and then he drinks a specific vodka. He also mentions that the blackouts which I’m not sure what the exact cause is from, get worse after he gets fucked up on the terrible, brain melting combination. He mentions he will quit, but he doesn’t want to talk about it, it is an absolute mammoth of a dependency, he is physically and mentally addicted and chemically dependant on benzos, and drinking on top of benzos causes the chemical compound to change, which I know can have very dangerous chemical changes, some temporary changes and some very permanent chemical brain damage.
I don’t know what to do, I am completely overwhelmed. I have never had such a large and complicated case to deal with when I help someone in this way.

I will continue as I see fit, and for posting purposes, this will be posted on no more than 2 other sources, as I see fit, including this source. I own all rights to what I say, which should go without saying.

My fucking shitty landlord filed a 72 hour eviction notice with the Marshal's office despite the fact that I paid them what I owed them. They can't tack on a case to one that's already been settled! They'd have to file a new non-payment petition. Sure, now I'm behind December and January but Jesus fucking Christ dude give me a break... I get my student loans in March. I accidentally said to my landlord something about not being able to pay until March like a FUCKING MORON, but I'd been up for 2 days on Adderall and I was fading fast... In the words of Ralph Kramden, "I've got a biiiiiiiiig mooooooooouth"...!!

So, yeah, bugged the fucked out on Adderall I had to go to Housing Court, file a stay of eviction, go to the Marshal's Office and serve them with the OSC, go to the landlord's attorney (who looks uncannily like John Travolta from Pulp Fiction and Battlefield Earth combined -_-) and serve him with the OSC and now I have to find a free attorney to advise me on what to do with the rest of this case, because I have some issues that need addressing, if only to fucking stall till March... if only they'll give me a fucking month to pay it and then we'll be up to date and I won't fucking miss any more payments...

I had to go to the ass end of the Bronx/Yonkers border to find this fucking Marshal's office and then hop in a taxi over to Castle Hill to the attorney's office... You wouldn't believe the fucking price quotes we got... $20 dollars? My aching asshole... I may be white but I fucking live in the Bronx and know the distances and that is not a $20 dollar cab ride... fucking rip off artists... So I walked further up and finally, finally, found a cab driver in a nice car willing to go to Castle Hill from Woodlawn for $12 bucks and I ended up giving him $15 because he wasn't a con artist! I told all of them straight up, I only have $15 dollars... none of them seemed to believe me. What the fuck, do I look rich or some shit? Sigh. It was just so aggravating. I get it, cab drivers have to make a living but you're ripping people off... I assume they try to cater to people going to Yonkers so they can hit them with the "fee" to go to another city... So I guess even if they only get 5 passengers, that's $125 bucks... Still, it's ridiculous... even the nice cab driver we got was like "Yeah, that's what they do and that's why they're always sitting by the train station with NO PASSENGERS"...

But whatever, I'm over it.

The worst part was making my girlfriend cry from the scariness of possibly being homeless... I don't care what happens to me but if my problems are going to affect my family then it's time I do something about them... But I can't move. I'm so depressed. I'm paranoid and anxious and I can't even make my psychiatrist/therapist appointments... I'm freezing cold... I haven't done any fucking laundry in a month... I need a shower before a swarm of flies make me their home... I quit my job like an idiot... and all I can do is sit here and bitch about my problems instead of fixing them... It's like I've turned to stone, unless it involves drugs, then I'm first out the fucking door... I'm so close to breaking down and I almost want to go to the hospital or rehab but my girlfriend is telling me it isn't a good idea... I'm not doing anything else with my life, so why the fuck not go to rehab now... I'm about ready to throw in the towel... But I know when I get those pills in my hands in 4 days or whatever, I will feel much differently... Until they run out.

Then it's back to square one.

Hi any1 got good adviceon where I can get amantadine/symetrel (prescription but I have got it OTC before) -- or a ketamine connection -- in South Africa , namely Cape Town. Hate that part of living in africa, we're so in the dark.

Alright, it's been a while since the last time I've been on the brink of death, but I recently got bored and wanted to try and research on how the hell I am still alive. I feel that claiming invincibility or immortality is a bit arrogant, so I tend not too. Anyways, I've had either 8 or 9 near death experiences and wanted to find some sort of explanation. Everything I have looked up always ends up with suicide related sites...I AM NOT SUICIDAL OR DEPRESSED BY ANY MEANS, and I feel that by even roaming around on those sites for an answer while on a college network may have unnecessary consequences that I don't feel like dealing with.

Am I the only one out there or does anyone feel the same way? I know it's kind of bad not to remember when you almost died haha but here this is pretty much what I've gone through and am still alive...all without medical supervision:
4 cases of alcohol poisoning (3 of which involved vomiting blood)
2 cases of being drugged with oxymorphone (1st time was enough to kill 4 people my size, 2nd time wasn't as bad...tolerance maybe?)
1 case of electrocution (and I'm not talking about sticking a key or knife in an electric socket)
1 case of being hit my a car (as a pedestrian...f**** hit and ran, but I do have his spoiler as a souvenir )
1 case of the bends (scuba diver's know what I'm talking about) along with a ruptured lung at the same time...I did go to the ER for this one though haha)
and a few other things that I don't really include as NDE's because they don't even compare, but they vary from a 106 degree fever from flu, mono, and pinkeye (the meds for each reacted badly with one another i.e. antibiotics for pinkeye cause major hives) to pneumonia...


Any takers for research assistance? haha

yea i just made this account tryin to get some advice on how to get off this poison ..percs oxys ..its killin me thankz

Somedays are truly fucking terrible to be sober. I feel stupid complaining, you know, as in reality, my life looks pretty good right now. I'm going back to college in about two weeks, I've been clean over three moths, I have friends, and my family supports me. But sometimes I just can't help but look at what I don't have, and what I can never really see having.
For instance, I'm constantly conflicted about cleaning my act up in the first place. Had I not almost been snuffed out by a staff infection a few months ago, I might be on here writing about how I just shot the best heroin, or complaining that I don't have enough money to finance my cocaine habit. But I did spend a month in the hospital, and every day my mom came and visited me and made sure to let me know just how much I was fucking up not just my owne life, but hers as well.
In fact, there was one horrific incident that occurred during my time in the hospital that really laid the guilt on heavy. My parents had decided to clean out my room and closet of all drug paraphenelia, and whatever drugs remained in there. Believe me I protested this, because I wouldn't want my best of friends to really see what was in my room. Hundreds of syringes, pieces of aluminum foil, millions of dope and coke baggies, tissue paper smeared with blood, empty vials of research chemicals with little stickers exclaiming "not for human consumption!". It was really awful, and even worse thinking that anyone, let alone my parents should bear witness to such a scene.
But they insisted on it, and as I was stuck in a hospital bed with a pick line connecting me to an ever flowing stream of antibiotics and steroids, I was pretty much powerless to do anything. Anyway, my father, who's had substance abuse problems in the past, made it his mission to clean out my closet, and along the way found a little vial of powder, which could have either been phenazepam or 4-MEC. The way he tells the story, he wanted to make sure that it wasn't coke, so he dabbed his finger in the mystery powder and tasted it. Brilliant right? Well anyway, within the next hour or so he started having visual and audio hallucinations, and had to spend five hours in the psyche ward of the same hospital that I was residing in. Of course I felt really fucking awfull about the whole thing, yet since I wasn't able to leave the hospital I had no way to prove that I would turn my act around when I got out. I was just barraged with Constant guilt tripping.
Now I'm not a fool, and I know that I deserved all of that. Shit, I deserve much, MUCH, worse than that for some of the things I've done, the things I sold that cannot be bought back. And I've tried to be good since I got out of the hospital, fuck, I've stayed sober this long right? And my mother really does appreciate it. While other moms are proud because there 23 year old has landed a great job, or met a real nice partner, my moms thrilled because her son isn't shooting cocaine into his veins.
But the problem I have with being clean, the problem I've always had really, is that I'm not sure if I want it for myself. There are times that I am so great full to be sober and to not be the center of a black hole that sucks in everything I care about around me, but to be truthfull, most of the time I'm just thinking about when and how I will get high, and what drugs I'll use, how I'll use them, and how I'll cover my ass so that this time I'll get away with it. I even have these rediculous little monologues in my head where I go over the details of my favorite opioids, why heroins better than oxycodone, how fentanyl is shitty, what other stimulants will give me a bell ringer, it's maddening and it's really tiring as well. Sometimes I feel like fighting the urge to get high, makes me want to use, more than when I'm actively using!
Anyway, I don't mean to be a downer, I'm just real stressed out right now, and freaked out about going back to school. The one slogan I do like from 12 step programs is "a day at a time", though I find it more suitable for me to measure it more in seconds. For the time being Ill just go back to escaping my reality, by living my life vicariously through the character Jessy Pinkman from Breaking Bad. Fucking bad ass show, if you havnt seen it.

That's all for today

Life has been great lately. Took my gal out on a date and saw a movie and had a nice dinner. Plus popcorn and drinks. It was an awesome night. We had a ball.

On new meds AGAIN. Old ones were all wrong for me. on Abilify now and it seems to be doing some good.

Going to therapy now for myself, going to couples therapy and now have an official "crisis" psychiatrist that might work for awhile with me.

Clean again.

The gal and I have been taking it easy and slow. We know its going to be forever so no need to rush anything.

One day when we're both on the mend from our stuff which could take years, but it will be worth the wait but one day I am gonna marry that gal, I could wake up to her pretty face and soft hands and loving smile forever.

Okay, now I am being mushy LMAO

I have no erge to use right now and haven't in a week now.

She's trying to kick weed and me caffine and we just can't seem to do it. She's at NA tonight she said she needed to go. She was scared to go and nervous as hell but she went. I am so proud of her that she went.

Well I am going to go find a movie on or something.

Hope everyone's new year is going good so far.


Oh and my online stalker is at it again, he is so obsessed with me, he needs to get a life. Seems he can't get over me or something.

We were friends for a few months, get over it. You ruined it all, and I told you where to stick it. So move on and leave me be, my life is better without you in it. You have potential for such greatness but you just don't care and know what? I just don't care anymore. I have given up trying to care too. Don't call me when you hit rock bottom because I won't come running. Don't message me when you are "hurt" cause I just don't care anymore. This might be heartless but you walked right in and earned every word. This will be the last I even mention you or think of you because you are not worth a second of my time anymore. Good - Bye.

Okay, now off to watch a movie.

Hope everyone is having a great new year. I know I am.

Baltimore @ New England. What a game. It's a huge battle. Each team is inching and inching. The score is gong up ever so slightly, back and forth, back and forth. But what do I know, I've been nodding off the whole game :D lol!

We need some serious Patriot's offensive right now. Baltimore just scored and are now ahead 17-16 (first time they've led all game) But don't worry, they wont be leading for long! Asss I jinx everything, the Pat's just fucking fumbled the kick off. Fucking Woodhead.

OMG, sack Flacco, not even sack, just fucking tackle him, he just ran for 15 yards! Well, it's still the third quarter.=, The patriot's typically don't get going unti the 4th quarter anyways! Really! That's how it's been the past few weeks. Patriots get really behind, like 3-4 possessions, and then thy've caught up and won, like the last 4 games or so. So Im not too woried, there's still a good 15 minutes to go, an entire quarter.. thats a long time in football time! Still plenty that can happen. What's good is the Pats held Baltimore to a FG and are only down 20-16 now. So the good news is a TD will give them the lead, however, the bad new..they must score a TD, because a FG will still put them in a losing position. Biting my nails!

So Pat's kic off, here it is..and Woodhead certainly made up for the loss, returned the ball from inside the endzone to almost the <40!
Great, field psition! OH NO! Gronkowski is being escorted off the field.. I hope he isn't really hurt and can come back in, 'cause the Pats really really need him.

So again, as with doing ANYTHING with my dad lately, watching football with him lately is terrible! Hedoesn't understand the concept of finishing out the play and THEN addressing the penalty. he yells "he jumped the line, he jumped th line, he cant throw the ball, there's a flag!" and doesn't understand how the penalty can be declined so sometimes they finish the play. He gets all fn worked up about something he thinks is unfair and doesnt even wait for the offiial ruling! Then he argues and argues about how unfair and terrible th refs are,and then the play gets called and he endsup ging "oh, ok.." See, just now, he yells "He's IN!!", when no, no he wasn't, not at all.. Then he bitches about "oh comon, he was in! That was a TD!" When you clearly couldn't see anything from the replay and it needed to be reviewed. See! They ended up reversing it! He's got no idea! Half the time he's not even looking at the fucking tv, he's looking at his computer, or his cell phone, playing this one stupid fn game hes been playing for over a year straight where he just clicks "attack, fight" or "buy" that's all there is to it! It's fucking mind numbing. God does he fucking aggrvate me.

I've been saying that a lot, but like I said yesterday.. I need to fucking get away from him.

So, the Pats are now ahead 23-20, awesome. AND Gronkowski is back in! We'll be ok. As long as my dad stops screaming at the fn TV.

God, I can't stop falling asleep!! WTF, this game is good! I don't want to fall asleep.. maybe I hve to. Maybe I'll sleep for 15 minutes...nice, interception! Whoohoo! That was clutch. Oh well, gonna focus on the rest of the game!

Talk to you later thanks for listening!
Vader

This is why I hate Poland. You can never get anything started on time. All my courses were postponed because "there aren't enough people to start a course and besides their budget for 2012 hasn't been established yet" so I can't start an individual course either. Bugger, this makes my temporary stay longer... Certainly the worst country from, how they call it, "developed countries" to live in.

Oh, I forgot... Guys who hacked government servers - great job! Go all the way and show these bastards how "developed" they are.

From what I've seen in the world, I've realized that I want no part of it, except where I can get knowledge, experience and entertainment from it. I see life for what it is, a big cosmic joke, and often wonder if I should laugh or cry, but otherwise just say fuck it and go have my fun.

I woke up this morning like any other day, head pounding from a caffeine headache, and my stomach twisted from the increasingly large amounts of Benadryl that I've been taking to fall asleep and deal with this horrible rash that I've been suffering with for over a month. I'm sorry if that sounds lewd, but it is the sad truth of my reality. I've booked a doctors appointment so hopefully that mess will get sorted out in due time.
Unlike other mornings however, I received a screen play, and an envelope, which must have been slid under my door sometime in the early morning. It was from one of my best friends. I opened the envelope, and found a small letter written on an index card which pretty much said "I'll be leaving for good, and I hope you can understand". It was worded more elegantly than that,but you get the gist. It screamed of dark implications.

Obviously this freaked the hell out of me, and when I couldn't get a hold of him, I got even more worried. I actually sincerely prayed to god for the first time in my life that my friend hadn't don't something irreversibly damaging.

I learned within the next hour that he'd left similar notes for another friend and for his family. They all seemed to suggest that he would be gone for good.

I feel like it would be somehow exploitive to write more about what went on during the day, but I will say that I found out that he's still alive, and just missing. He's not a drug addict either, so that's not the reason he left if anyone reading is thinking that. I really don't get this whole situation at all, and never would have seen this coming.
I thought something like this would make me want to use, but it kind of did the opposite. I hardly thought about drugs the whole day.All that stuff seemed stupid because I just want my friend to be okay.

So, I managed to hook up my internet by using my smartphone as a wifi hotspot and connecting through my mobile internet dongle which for me is quite impressive and my internet isn't too slow. It's a relief because I hate trying to write a blog entry with a touchscreen. My fingers are too stubby.

I'm feeling a bit better than I was when I wrote that pity-party post earlier. In all honesty I'm feeling really shitty just now but it's just because I have no money and no real home comforts to keep me content. I've been so bad with money, I always am when I feel down, but I think this month has been a sharp shock as living in a flat with no heating, hardly any electric on the meter and eating one meal of cereal with water is not my idea of a good time.

One upside is that I decided to cut my own hair and it turned out pretty fucking nice. It's a small thing but I hate when my hair grows out. I have one side of it undercut so it's shaved down pretty close. I didn't have clippers so I couldn't shave it but I hacked a load of my fringe off and it's given the rest of my hair a much nicer look. Still though, the grey is peeping through so time to hit the bottle when I get paid.

This month I have to promise myself to watch my money better. I got a bit obsessed with eating takeaway food every night just because I could. That has ended up with me gaining about a stone and having really bad skin. I can't do that anymore because I've got insulin resistance which basically means if I don't start eating properly, lose weight and get fit... I'm going to get diabetes. Given the amount of other health issues in my family (cancer, heart problems, hearing problems, depression... I could go on...) I would rather NOT add diabetes to the list. I think food became my replacement for affection at some point and I'm having trouble letting go...

It's like somewhere along the line I just stopped caring about myself, how I looked, how I felt. I've had some great years but for the past while I have just felt totally beaten down. I find it really hard to fit in anywhere. The friends I do have tend to be attracted to me because I am a bit different to most people and they don't seem to realise how fucking lonely I get. People either find the oddness endearing or annoying. Some people talk to me like I'm shit and talk about me like I'm shit and I hate it because apart from a very small group of people... I love the fucking world. There's not a lot that someone can do to me that I wouldn't forgive. People deserve chances, everyone makes mistakes, but to judge me when someone doesn't know me really pisses me off.

I'm kind of at the stage now where I have to either decide to take out my piercings, hide my tattoos, start behaving like a regular person... or embrace the person that I am and to hell with what anyone else thinks of me. The obvious choice is to stick two fingers up at the world... it's just really hard. I feel like people take the piss with me quite a lot. Even my best friends take advantage and aren't quite on the ball when I need them. I try not to need people anymore, I try to keep independent... but sometimes I feel like I want someone to listen to me for a change. Then I feel bad for thinking about what I want and not being helpful...

I guess that's why I'm here, why I have this blog... I need to have somewhere that I can say whatever the fuck I want without fear of judgement or repercussions. I'm such a doormat. I've tried to bite back but it fucks people up when I do so I can't do it anymore.

I think rather than having a few alcoholic blowouts in the town I live in... I should spend my money doing things I enjoy. I could get a bus up to Edinburgh and go to a gig and get the last bus home. I could get a second hand sewing machine and some old dress patterns and try to make some clothes. I could take my camera out and take photographs. I haven't done that in ages and I bloody love taking photographs. l could buy some more canvases and start painting again. I could buy some second hand DVDs of movies that I've always wanted to see. I could cook dinner for a friend. I could buy some charity shop clothes. I could spend more time with my family, especially my sister's kids kids, I could take my parents out for lunch. I could go and see my sister and laugh about when we were growing up. I've been such a shitty sister and daughter. I feel so guilty.

There is so much of who I used to be that I'm so ashamed of and I hate it when I spiral back into my bratty, spoiled, victim-stance persona that I have tried so hard to escape. I've got two nieces and a nephew who love me who I don't see enough. I've got funny, kind and intelligent parents who try so hard to support me even though I've consistently fucked up.

I don't want to be that person again. I really don't.

Due to various factors it's unlikely I will ever have kids but I would love to meet a nice guy and have a best friend that I can share life with. Nothing fancy, just he and I, and the road in front of us. Festivals. Gigs. Caravan holidays. I don't care as long as we're happy. Someone I can read to, and cook for, and dress up for. Someone that can take the bad with the good and that can lean on me when they need it.

I don't know if I'll ever get it though. I feel like I'm stuck in this little bubble away from the rest of the world and I can't quite figure out how to connect with people.

Anyway. I guess I should go to bed now. I've not been sleeping well lately... I tend to have really vivid dreams that I wake from and can't get back to sleep again. Got to try and keep my strength up. Because I don't have much food I have been taking vitamin tablets and am trying to drink things like horlicks (although that's running out too now) to try and keep myself warm and keep my blood sugar at a reasonable level as I tend to go a bit weird if it dips. I get all confused and start shaking. I'll be fine though. I only have to last seven more days. I've got about £3 in change... I could probably get some cut price vegetables and make some soup with it, even if only for a treat at the weekend.

I have so much love to give the world. I just don't know how to let it out.

I don't know what's wrong with me today. Little droplets of sadness cling to me like condensation to glass.

If I fell over I am sure I would shatter.

I need a hug.

I don't even have the words today. I just miss him today. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like a scar has suddenly re-opened after being closed long enough to knit back together... I don't know how to console myself. I had to come to my parents for the weekend as I couldn't cope with being alone all weekend. I keep turning it over in my head. What if, by some miracle, I see him. What could possibly change all that's occurred? He's happy in a relationship. I'm not entirely sure what I want from him. I imagine what it would be like to hold him. But when I try to conjure an image of us both it's like looking at two ghosts hugging. The clarity and detail has been eroded by time. If I could reach into my head I would pull these thoughts out. Not because I don't want to think them but because I don't know how to make them stop. I'm different... he's different... it's been three years and he probably still thinks I cheated on him anyway. I looked into my heart to try and see if it could give me an answer. But all it can say is that I love him and that I've found it hard not to have him in my life. Of course, the heady rushes of being in love are gone, but there's still this fierceness of passion when I remember the Alan I knew... it's like a tigress in my head that guards the memories I have. The sad memories have gone, mostly, although sometimes I have flashbacks of my shitty behaviour and it makes me feel ashamed. Alan understood me more than most. He challenged me. He was the most incredible person I've ever met. I've never met such an intelligent, loving, silly, verbose, acerbic, eccentric, passionate, angry, volatile, handsome, quirky guy in my life and I don't think I will again.

It's the stupid shit that I miss. The horse bites, the random harmonica playing, the puns, the billy nights, the long chats we could have where we would deconstruct a subject like christianity and laugh. The fact that during a scary movie I could put my head up his tshirt and hide.

I miss the soft side. One memory I have of him is when he'd been watching something sad that I think involved the death of a child. I remember he cried because he's a father and it really got to him. He once ran over a rabbit by accident, and it made him cry, it was the sweetest thing. He cared. He cared so much about things like his family and his friends. He cared about me too although I was so far gone with depression that I couldn't always see it, not because he was a bad person, simply because my perception of myself gets really fucked up sometimes.

Sometimes I think to myself that if I had just one evening with him... I would say all the things I never said... I would just be happy to be in his company. No expectation. Just one last chance to finish things right.

I need to stop it, he's in love with someone else, I don't even know if he still lives in the area. I still have his phone number imprinted on my brain but he's probably changed it by now.

I truly hope he is healthy, and happy and that he realises just how amazing he is.

Anyway, I need to stop being so weak, I'm always getting all emotional about stuff.

Time to go and look for jobs online... wish that something I would be good at would appear...