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WOW - for the first time in so long life is great, amazing, ace. I don't even want that life of drinking n taking C. That wasn't me. I feel like something overtook my body but there again that would be not taking responsibility for things I'd done n things that happened to me during the past 18 months.

I am back to me who doesn't mind a drink on a social acassion but really would rather leave it n would rather keep fit: looking after my body by exercising, eating right. Going to groups n meeting new people, saying how I feel in order to get what I want without too much conflict eg I bought an expensive jacket from a shop n realised that they had left the security tag on. They started to get anal because I did not have the receipt. I stood my ground n not only did they take the security tag off but also gave me a 25% voucher.

Take care everyone,
Evey xxxx

I have 120 dollars a heroin dealer and a huge tolerance. . God damn why is life so fucked up. Why am I such a pussy? I tell myself that shit everyday. Its not like my life is so bad though. So I sit back smoke a bowl and think fuck how is this gonna end? But it doesn't life goes on you know? That's the scary part this shit could last a long ass time,

I gotta say bluelight is pretty amazing, I mean without it I probably would be severely fucked from my MDMA days not knowing what caused all the issues and possibly still rolling dangerously. Without it I wouldnt have learnt half the things I know now! Just think of all the people not just members but even people who come here looking for answers and how bluelight would have given them the right information.

Think about all the lives that would have been potentially saved, the overdoses that have been prevented, the drug interactions that have stopped... it goes on!

Bluelight is a wonderful site filled with tons of helpful and life saving information, advice and a good place to pass time %)

Recently, I have heard from numerous people I have known. Or if you prefer, people I know but have not been in touch with for a long while.

Mostly it has been former students. But there have been former colleagues, and long lost friends as well.

Why is this happening? I thought as I wandered on into the far end of middle age, my worthiness would begin to wane. What is happening out there to cause young people to actively look for me? I only have 20 friends on FB and those are family, and the friends of my age. I keep it like that on purpose. I'm not trying to talk to anybody. I don't answer my phone, even for family.

Socializing is a nuisance. I don't speak at Al Anon meetings. I'm not trying to make friends.
I got an email today from a kid. I didn't answer. But I started to wonder why I'm being contacted at all. I just never know what to say. That's the fucking truth. I'm awkward.

Just a few moments ago, I got a text from a friend I never see. She said our mutual friend "sherm" had passed away.

Sherm was standing next to me at our friend Laura's memorial last year. The newspaper article about her death ran a picture of us side by side with other friends and loved ones, all holding a candle around the scene of the crime.

Now he's gone too. They were both younger than me by several years. We all had a lot of fun together. He messaged me on FB a month ago. I just said "hey".
I fucked myself good, didn't I?

And guess who I want to hear from this evening.
Message me NOW for fucksake. WTF is going on... shit.just.got.weird.

I get to stay in my home until New Years. My loan is under consideration for a modification.

I was very encouraged by the possibility of being able to stay in the home I've been making mortgage payments on for twelve years when all of a sudden

the IRS slammed our social security check for back taxes to the tune of $500.

How low can my house payment really go under a modification? Now that the government is going to take the roughly $8,000 I owe them from my social security, my house payments would need to be about $17 a month.

_____________________________________


I filled out dozens of employment applications for Christmas help wanted ads. I babysit my grandson during the day so I figured some nights and weekends riding a register somewhere would earn me enough pay to enjoy shopping for my kids and my grandkids.

I did not get a single call. Nothing. My entire existence as a person who earns money seems to be over. I feel that the business world with its human resources teams, its cubicals, its staff meetings, its calendars, its casual Fridays, is done with me.

I thought I would work well into my sixties. I thought I was going to continue to get raises, go on vacations, and have a lot of fun working at the job I loved and spending the money I earned there.

I feel sad. I miss money.

_____________________________________


I cleaned a lot today. I got the tree out of the garage and set it up. The front room and on up the stairs are trimmed with Christmas decorations. I listened to Christmas music.

There won't be presents under the tree.
I know. "Why bother to put up the tree?"
Excellent question.

Because I still believe in Santa Claus and I might wake up Christmas morning to presents under the tree.

She said with heavy sarcasm.

The reason I decorated my home for Christmas is because I have suffered excruciating anxiety the last month or two about losing my home. I do not have to move until after the holiday. I have been given the smallest hope that perhaps I will keep my home.

My personality is coming back to me after having been ravaged with panic.

I am thankful to be in this home this holiday season.
I want to enjoy the sight and the feel of my tree and my decorations.
All that I have now is what I acquired throughout my life with the money I earned.

There is only one thing for me to do now.

Enjoy what I have. Dig what is already here.

I have what I have. That's all that I have.

Five more days, the bank will foreclose on our mortgage, and our home will be sold at auction.

I have never needed a benzo more badly in my fucking life.

I am paralyzed.

Racism is not welcome on Bluelight ~spork

Alright, I think it's about that time again.... Every now and then I do a short-term stint with a nootropic in order to smooth my mind's ride back into a better place. I've wanted to branch out a little more, but so far the ones I've used are piracetam, aniracetam, and noopept. So far I've found piracetam to be by far the most effective for me, so that's what I picked up again this time (mere days before the place I got it from put it on sale for 40% off, grr...). This time around the focus of my use will be getting my clarity of thought back since I'm quitting a long period of smoking weed which was starting to have a very negative effect on my mindset. I'm guessing it should provide a good deal of help.

I'm mostly just putting this up to remind myself... but I may update with a log of how it's going every now and then. Today so far I've taken 2400 mg and I think I'm going to take another later, aiming for 4800 mg a day for sixty days, which will deplete my stash. I also took 1200 mg of lecithin to supplement, though I may get some alpha-GPC or something later....

Here's too an effective regimen!

So I spoke to my ex sponsor from back when I got clean the first time. It was great talking to her. I told her about the most likely cause of the chronic fatigue I've had since before I relapsed on meth and pain killers, which the doc thinks is my liver. She told me she's been battling big time with her depression. It got to the point she couldn't work anymore so she can't be available now to sponsor anyone. It's all good, I told her, but perhaps someday in the future when she's better. She also told me she and her husband moved and have a lot of open land for a doe to run around on. I had always told her she reminded me of a sweet, gentle spirit of a doe. Then she said she named the doe TJ and I laughed and said, "You didn't!" She said yes she did and it was odd how she had thought about me 3 days before I called and left her a message on her voice mail after being away from NA 4 1/2 years. Anyway, aside from that, not the usual drama and despair comes with living clean unlike the loaded living. I loved getting loaded, but truthfully I certainly don't miss the bullshit. Sigh. I've given far too many years fartin around with dope. No regrets, well not really as no good can come from it. It's time to break the cycle of self punishment and look at whatever I need to clean up without self condemnation. Still doin daily meditations, prayers, and reading about the spiritual disciplines. I love the peace I'm experiencing at the moment.

I'm glad I didn't give in to the temptation to pop some Rx painkillers even though I had a migraine that lasted 2 days. I've been doing prayer and meditation every day probably since the end of August. Unlike drugs, the effects are more subtle and not immediate but better in the long run. It looks like I will be in a recovery home for 90 days as ordered by the court sometime mid December. It sure is a whole lot easier having to report to a probation officer every 2 weeks clean because it saves a lot of useless wasted energy on stupid fear. That said, I'm glad to be clean. I have wanted to feel the warm embrace of opiates a few times, but knew the price for now is just too high. Also, odd as it sounds I feel a certain responsibility towards my jail house friends in Tank 8 to stay clean. I've kept my promises to them, did what I said I'd do plus written to them. This demonstrates that if I can stay clean on the outside even though the odds say it's unlikely then so can they. If anything, I want to serve as a beacon of hope.

vgoraz went to the store this morning saying he was going to make some eggs and bacon for breakfast. he came back with a filet of fish and light bulbs 8(

Just got through Thanksgiving in one piece...

Feel like I have a sinus infection anyway, but the entire experience has left me feeling skull fucked.

One certain section of my family is messed up beyond words (more so than usual core group), so much so that I tried to distance myself from them for a few years, only for everyone else to make me feel like I was the jerk and it was my responsibility to mend frayed relations. In reality, I just don't have time or room for negativity in my life, my marriage is sacred, and I don't want their bile tainting it. Anyway, I swallowed my so-called 'pride', and, along with an earlier dinner last Autumn, did the holiday meet and greet. Only, for the entirety, I felt my personal space to be invaded way beyond any manner of human civility/politeness. It's one thing if I invite certain people to visit me, but I was inundated with what felt like borderline threats of 'WERE COMING TO SEE YOU'S" (meaning, staying IN my tiny apt that is barely enough space for two people, even when I tried to address how little space we had and that we'd have work, etc...) from the group I have moral issue with the entire last few days (10 + times, at least) to the point where I have a splitting migraine and feel like I'm emotionally drained beyond belief. A huge part of why I live so far away is to distance myself from this crap. That, and being with my husband (same goes for him, funnily enough). I am an intensely private person, and things happened that I will never be able to fully forgive. I know that again makes me sound like a shit, but it goes very, very deep. Even sitting in the same room with one of these individuals took a great deal of self restraint, as they had done all possible to humiliate not only myself but those closest to me.

I know this probably sounds super petty to many, but this person literally is morally bereft and, imo, dangerous to the well being of others. My mom was hospitalized with bleeding ulcers over the amount of stress they caused. I won't even go into what my brother went through.

I know it will bowl over, but I hate how family is supposed to symbolize some kind of unbreakable bind, even when it is not healthy. I do care for everyone's well being, but I care for my own more at the moment. That sounds selfish, I'm sure, but if I broke down what really happened, it would make more sense.

Anyway, hope all is well with others. Love and well wishes to everyone who took the time to read this.

Peace.

Porcelain Doll siting high on your shelf
gorgeous by your self
perfect for everyone to see

Porcelain doll
keep safe my dear
so dont stray from here
everyone wanting to be

Poercelain doll
lifeless whiteface
whats in your soul
emotionless beauty
what falls for the toll?

Drugs tell the stories
Tracks show the lies
but everyone watches your fake painted eyes
Dolly your broken,you bring no more joy
who wants to play with a broken old toy

Moonlight reflects on your pale visage
for years you were lovely
now sleeps in a garage

What happened to you Dolly
How'd you fall from so high?
Were you trying to see him
Trying to fly?

Smart beautiful girl
beloved by the world
At first no one saw..thru her mask unfurled
Now with tangled hair
People pass or stop and stare

They now see and hold apathy or hate
for poor broken dolly
the sight came to late

Porcelain Doll
Your new box is right
Smile now
as they shut the lid tight

As I sit here sober I think back to the thoughts/emotions I went through while using; it surprises me that I have not gotten sober sooner just to be HAPPY once again.

the final 6-12 months of my last run which ran about 3 to 3.5 years, I was so depressed that with each shot/sniff/pill I wished the worst for myself. there were times I would just sit in my parked car for hours by myself and just think the worst thoughts. thats even after the drug was taken/picked up. I'd just sit and think of how I just gave my "friend" $200 for something I am going to put into my arm/nose. how I had a girlfriend (at the time) that was sitting at home KNOWING I was picking up dope but HAD TO PRETEND TO TRUST ME cuz I would only tell her I was running to the store or had to swing by my friends. she knew her BF was a true junkie but she couldnt do anything about it because all I did was lie and yell anytime she'd try to prove me wrong. I sit here and just get sick thinking of what once was done and how I felt.

I'd sit there at work and think of how I can score. I'd look at my bank account and just be sick at the money spent. I'd see what credit card I can advance cash on and then NOT PAY IT back. that's typically how my work day went. around lunch I'd score and then come back and blast away in the bathroom at work. shooting/sniffing in that place was NORMAL TO ME. and this wasnt a ONE PERSON bathroom; this was a bathroom for the entire office (men, of course). and I'd use a stall to shoot/sniff whatever the choice was that day. then I'd head back to the desk and put in some work because now I had THE DRIVE because the dope was in me. as the day began to end I would think of how I need to score again and would lie and not go home to the GF and just come up w/ money someway/somehow. it would be lie after lie until I could pick up. then just come home jammed/high and pretend all was good. as if nothing bad has happened and I did NOTHING wrong at all. legit, I just think about it and it blows my mind.

so many times I would think of other rockstars or celebs who have OD'd and why they OD'd. thinking they had all the money and fame in the world but lost it all to drugs. it always made me think of "what if I died?". I was doing enough to die and OD'd a number of times. most OD's were on my own couch and wasnt taken to the hospital. a few were the other way around. but I saw NOTHING wrong w/ that. I would just say I was really tired that day or maybe it was something else; and I'd truly believe myself and tell others and then just go on about life as if nothing has happened. HOW THE FUCK DID I DO THIS?

Last Thanksgiving I was at the girls house and went into the bathroom before the meal and blasted a dope/xanny SHOT and then snorted/took a few more MG's xanny. while eating the dinner my face actually NODDED OUT INTO THE PLATE. it legit hit my nose and I woke up just as my face was about to smash into the table. and what did I say? nothing. I said I am super tired and that I was sorry. I thought nothing was wrong and that it wasnt noticeable. I left there and fought w/ my GF and thought she was overreacting and that I acted fine. IMAGINE?

the week had finally come where I wanted to TRY and help myself and went to a Dr. the Dr. told me he couldnt prescribed me anything right away until I had certain classes or did certain things; or maybe had to be clean 7 days to get on the nalaxone track rather than sub. anyway, I went home that day to fill a quick script of nalaxone and it was going to be my first TRY. but before that TRY came I decided to have ONE LAST SHOT. I met up w/ a friend and we split 3Gs of the STRONGEST SHIT IVE HAD YET. so we meet up w/ this girl and grab these 3G's. the girl pulls the pins out and blast both of us w/ a half gram and xanny shot; then we take 2MG more xannny by mouth. so, I AM DRIVING and I drop her off and we go back to my boys house; he tells me I am swerving and nodding but I am still driving and we end up getting to his house. once we get there I pull out another pin and he tells me NOT TO SHOOT and that I am too fucked up to do it. of course I dont listen and I blast what we had left. well, hours later I woke up in the ER and had an overdose; they put me in a psych ward because it was taken as a suicide attempt. first day in the bull pen I had anxiety through the roof and they gave me benzo, which I thought was weird considering I just OD'd. well, 2nd day I was moved to the actual floor and started my soboxone script. I ended up leaving there 9 days later and got into a program which helped me stay clean but with the help of suboxone.

to this day I am still clean and it's only been 3.5 months but it feels like years and years .I think back and look at my life and what I can BARLEY REMEMBER and think of all the times I basically thought/tried to kill myself but w/o myself even knowing. I put myself in every bad position you could possibly think of but NEVER THOUGHT ANYTHING OF IT.

this board has actually helped me; although, when I first started on here and first posts I was still using but asking for advice to quit. I also had my last OD after 15 days of joining the board. but from there on it's been great to keep sober. I also enjoy just reading what others had to say about their lives and see how they come along.

I really do wish the best for every body because I have been down this miserable road before and know what its like.. and I also know that MANY of you MAY have it even worse than I had and god bless.. I wish you nothing but the best.

so, my first Thanksgiving sober in a while and it was a good one; I even got to bet on some guys because I actually have the money nowadays to bet.. who would have thought! ha.

anyway, went over my mom/dads house for Thanksgiving and was there all throughout the day. actually sat and watched football w/ the father and was able to stay awake and actually have a normal convo. same goes for at the dinner table w. the rest of the family. typically I wouldnt come out for this holiday or if I did I would try to hide myself because I knew I was high or eyes would be nodding out and didnt want to embarrass myself.

I wont lie tho, my sis and I did smoke a bowl before dinner to make us a bit more hungry but weed is nothing, right? ha. its something I've yet to give up on and feel it has helped me through this sobriety period; although, some will say a drug is a drug.. well, too bad.

tomorrow is Black Friday and I even have plans to go out shopping and pick up a few things for the new apartment. imagine? I am GOING OUT TO BUY SOMETHING OTHER THAN DOPE!? who would have ever thought I would be looking to buy something other than dope? not me.

hope you all had a good things giving and things went well for you and your fam. things were sure good for ME; but the fam is a little whacky regardless if I am high or not.. but I STILL had a good day and its a day I can actually remember and not have to worry about anything.

happy thanksgiving to all! might go smoke a bowl and finished up this football game.

Ok some sad news one of my cats, Black, sadly passed away yesterday. I now only have Beauty---Black's sister. Black will be gone n sadly missed but never forgotten. ThankfullyBeauty n little one don't really understand n are ok.

Other news I have not had a drink in 12 days, am not craving alcohol or opiates since my dose of suboxone went up to 12mg. I have even stopped obsessing over forums n don't feel so empty anymore. I've started volunteering in the courts - servibg hot drinks in the kitchen.

I'm back in touch with an old friend whom I've known online since 2001 n understands 'true friendship' n 'loyalty' unlike that BITCH who I mistakenly thought was a 'friend' for the past year but was TOO QUICK TO BELIEVE OTHERS' BAD OPINIONS OF ME. God good n He leads me to GOOD people n away from evil, nasty people who knock you when you're down. I never forget n finally my life is good. I am surrounded by good, kind, warm, welcoming, caring people who are with me not just when times are good but through the difficult times n instead of a knife in my back n through my heart I'm shown a hand, tokd to take it n are lifted up n carried through the bad times n held through the good.

This year has been the worst year of my life - 2014 cannot come quick enough. I hope you're all happy n if not happy I hope that someone is there for you through the hard times as it keeps us going, knowing that people care.

Thank you, Bluelight, for helping me through some things these past few months. I'm thankful that I found this site full of useful information n warm, caring, knowlagable posters.

Take care,
Evey xxxx

Cuz I said so

continuum-heal-nastee-n8-remix

something this deep
at least the pain is real
they never said it would be easy
never said it would be quick
its gonna take a little time to heal

funny, who would have thought I would have been away from dope for over 3 months now!? not me. I havent went this long in years and years and year. sure, I am still on subox, so think what you want, but staying away from the dope is keeping me ALIVE and WELL! I am actually putting my life back together and only over the course of 3 months I've seen so many great things happen. but, of course, there are things being held back based on my past life.

as of now I am in the process of moving, but due to my criminal background and my BAD CREDIT, its not easy finding a new apartment or a new ANYTHING. I am lucky enough to be employed and make good $$ but I am lucky enough to work for a company that knows me well and knows I am good at what I do.. so I am thankful for that!

what else.. well, family is still family. they see me doing much, much better and they actually trust and believe me.. FINALLY! it feels great to be looked at as a son again and not a junkie who is up to SOMETHING SHADY!

work.. well, work is work but I actually enjoy my job. plus, I can get alot more done in the morning because I am NOT thinking about how I can score the dope later or during lunch and not feeling "sick". same goes for afternoons; although, when I used at lunch I would def come back and work HARD.. maybe even harder than I do now, ha. but that hard work cost me $100-200/day. just sickening thinking of the money spent and what I SHOULD have vs. what I DO have. fucking sad, man.

well, another update by me. things are still good.

yes, I have used benzo's and weed since my last post but as I said before, I still consider myself SOBER AS CAN BE! taking 10MG Valium and smoking a blunt never hurt no one, right? ha.

I've never expected this to happen to me. I thought I was really happy. But you came and I've never felt so happy in a while. You made me feel alive. You brought out these feelings. But I owe him a lot and I don't wanna hurt him. I don't want to just say good bye to him or cheat on him. But that one night ill never forget. Ill never forget how you made me happy. Im not sure if you are going to read this but everyday I will be thinking of you. Everyday I will be longing for you. Everyday I will regret it as I know I will not be happy but always know that you have my heart.

Well, what the fuck is up?


My name is Victoria June. That is my first and middle name, so good luck stealing my identity lol. To give you a short summary on myself, I'm a 16 year old female from Central Florida who fails to give a fuck about the majority of things, but I still care about the well being and feelings of others. So to follow up my last sentence, please feel free to give me your honest opinions and message me if you need someone to talk to or just wanna bullshit or get to know me.

This weekend has been pretty good. I popped 30mgs of adderall last night at aounrd 3am and have been wide awake ever since. I'm happy, though. I'm not taking adderall to get high, I'm taking it for it's intended purpose. I know, a shocke coming from someone my age. Or maybe it isn't, but where I come from it is. Last week went by pretty fast in spite of my step mom being a royal cunt. Screaming at me as though I'm something to be scraped off of her shoe, blatantly disrespecting me even though I show her respect that her own children could not even begin to fathom the concept of. And then there's my dad telling me to "picture a duck. And picture water rolling off of it's back. you just gotta let some stuff go, Tori. Let it roll off your back." Man, kiss my ass. If that's the best he can do when it comes to giving advice, then I'd rather he go back to not giving a fuck about me. But in spite of all the negativity in my life, I choose to be happy therefor I am happy. I choose to make a liar out of those who have told me I would never succeed, that I would never be anything and that I am not intelligent or worth my salt. I'm just going to continue doing what I do best, and that's being me and doing what's best for me and keeping my heart open to those who need love.

Please message me, or comment on this if you'd like to talk or need help in any way. I'd be more than happy to explain anything you didn't understand.

Song of the day - Rolling Stone, by Black Hippy (hip hop group made up of Kendrick Lamar, Jay-Rock, SChoolboy-Q, & Ab-Soul).

This is an older entry from a month ago ... I haven't had the energy or motivation to work on my blog for a while. Several weeks ago, I had migraines, near constant nausea, fever/chills, crawling skin, aches, restlessness, insomnia, and dizziness. These things I could handle; they weren't so different from a bad case of the flu. But the lack of motivation is the worst, and I don't know how to deal with it. How long does it (the lack of motivation) last? Except for doing basic chores I've promised other people I would do -- feeding horses here and a cat in town are the only things I've been able to keep up with -- I haven't gotten much done. That's even more frustrating considering that during the worst part, I went 3 nights without any sleep and several more nights with only a couple of hours of sleep.

The sheets haven't been changed in a couple of months. Neither have my clothes. Dirty cups and paper plates are every where. Worse, there was a die off of "grass bugs" last month when it started to get cold. Millions of them made their way into the cabin for warmth. Now, dead insects are all over the floor. I've swept a few paths through them, but haven't cleaned them up yet.

This cabin doesn't have electricity or running water, but it has a refrigerator. It's a kind of bush refrigerator that runs on propane. I came home the otehr day and found that it was no longer working. I spent an hour lying in a puddle of decomposing juice from the 20 pounds of previously frozen meat that was in there trying to light it and repair it with a Swiss Army Knife. I took apart the main valve and brass tubing underneath it, but it seems that the pilot light has gone out and it isnt' getting any gas. A faulty valve is my guess as to the culprit. It's fairly cold in the cabin so I'm surprised that everything thawed so fast. Now that the meat had warmed, I felt that I had to cook it to preserve it, so I spent the next 3 hours cooking it over a wood fire in the fire ring outside. While I waited for it to cook, I found an ice chest and put snow in it to keep the food cold.

Hi, my name is: Victoria, no you may not call me any variation of Vicky or Tori

Never in my life have I been: as happy as I am right now.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: my father

High school was: Currently attending it, it's pretty good. I've learned to deal with my social issues.

When I'm nervous: I need a cigarette.

The last time I cried was: Friday, but not for long. I don't allow myself to cry over dumb cunts.

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: My mother.

My hair is: dark brown/black

When I was 10: my parents split up, and my mother ran away in the middle of the night to North Carolina. We had lived in Florida before that.

Last Christmas: It was wonderful. It was when my relationship with my dad was actually getting somewhere. I had weed, and presents and good company. Such a wonderful holiday that was.

I should be: sleeping

When I look down I see: a keyboard, my wiggling leg because I have to pee so badly but I'm lazy.

The happiest recent event was: meeting my boyfriends' parents. They like me.

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: Donna.

By this time next year: I hope Iv'e graduated high school, moved in with my boyfriend and gotten a stable job.

My current gripe is: no money and i won't see my boyfriend for another week because I'm visiting with my mom while I'm on vacation from school.

I have a hard time understanding: people who lack empathy.

There's this girl I know that: Is just now going through her Scene stage.

You know I like you when: I talk or spend time with you with no drugs involved, when I lovingly refer to you as "baby girl" if you're a girl, or make fun of you in a joking manor.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: my mom.

Take my advice: don't overestimate your own intelligence.

Something that I really want to buy is: New makeup. Mine is running low, and I love playing with it.

If you visited the place I was born: you would think it just another generic suburb.

I plan to visit: My brother who lives in Georgia.

If you spend the night at my house: There will be marijuana and movies and food and good music.

I'd stop my wedding if: i have no idea

The world could do without: misogynists

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Lose my mom

Most recent thing I've bought myself: a bus pass

Most recent thing someone else bought me: food

My favorite blonde is: Scarlet Johannson.

My favorite brunette is: My mother.

My favorite redhead is: Faye Reagan. She's a pornstar lolll

My middle name is: June

This morning I: i wasn't even awake this morning

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: frogs, so they don't bump their butts.

Once, at a bar: i bailed on a $70 tab.

Last night I was: on the phone with my boyfriend.

There's this guy I know who: Stole his sister's herringbone gold chain to score some meth.

I don't know: Why or how I'm awake right now.

A better name for me would be: Luna

Tomorrow I am: Doing something special with my mom. I don't know what yet, though.

Tonight I am: online

My birthday is: July 16th

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: to be loved.

I can sing: pretty decently. My favorite song to sing is Video Games by Lana Del Rey.

I like a guy named: Victor.

My best friend's name: Alexa

Day to day they always cross my mind and i'm always looking for ways to get high. Legal, illegal it doesn't bother me I just love to escape what I consider a mundane existence. I'm so drugged up on anti-depressants and have been for over six years I hardly ever experience much other than a blank/zombie like state. I recently took up exercise as a means of replacing my drug use but even the so called natural high pales in comparision.

I love the lifestyle, the 'scene', even the routine of obtaining and preparing drugs is a high in itself. I glamorise what most despise.

I'm not sure if this is a normal way of thinking. I bring shame on my parents if I openly admit my use and i'm afraid to be open with others in fear of being rejected and branded as 'junkie scum'.

I'm not sure being preoccupied with these thoughts on a daily basis is healthy, perhaps I need therapy? I have friends, I go out, I do my uni work...shouldn't that be enough? Is this so wrong?

so, it's been over 3 months since I last picked up the needle. I am happy to say that; although, I still "use" other drugs, per say. I have mentioned it before but WEED is something I don't see being a problem; some say a drug is a drug.. but those "some" probably werent complete dope fiends and barely getting by at one point in their lives. then again, maybe they were.. who knows!

the other night I also took xanny for the first time in a while; used to be prescribed xanny due to anxiety but my Dr. has took that away once I came forth and admitted to being an addict. It's funny, cuz the benzo's actually did help w/ my anxiety but since I did the "right thing" and came forth w/ being an addict, the benzo's have been taken away and my anxiety gets the best of me at times. anyway, I picked up 3 1MG xanax (not alot at all) and ended up taking those throughout the day yesterday; they really didnt do much but help chill me out, which was nice. SHOULD I consider this using? ha. because I truly dont.

Using to me is being where I once was, completely down in a hole, no where to go, no money, no nothing.. just me and the dope. I remember just being so miserable and always having these sick thoughts about life, whats to come, what happens next, etc. I just wasnt even happy w/ using; I just had no other way to go about my day and no be sick.

I know 3 months is NOTHING to some but to me it's a LIFE TIME! I feel like I have totally changed (personality still same but thoughts are much different). I feel like I can survive, make myself and my family happy again.

Anyway, just wanted to update this blog to keep track of what I call sobriety and also keep track of what I call a life. ha.

Bye.