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Ah that's my 'causes n assessment of obesity' module complete (please God don't let me fail it). Late November I go to uni for 3 days to do the taught bit of my 'Childhood Obesity' module. I'm really looking forward to this n really wanted to complete this module last year but to complete my masters I need to find under £6,000 so I'm completing it part time. I'm paying roughly £140 a month so I need to sort out some bills to make it happen.

My head has been all over the place lately n I've not concentrated like I should. I passed the first module but only just passed my 'baviour modification' module. I can't seem to concentrate the way that I used to n the uni is giving me extensions due to being partially sighted n my codeine addiction, which helps a bit.

It really is a relief to have done four modules n to spend time on me sorting stuff out not letting certain things get to me anymore n not going back to obsessive ways where everything else comes second. I promised myself that I would not go there again. I would also like to do some part time small courses like pottery n creative writing, think
Would be fun.

Thanks for reading. I hope you're all doing well.

Evey xxx

people, listen to those who tell you.. once you sober up things actually become better! I have a better job, I have money again, I have people who trust me again, I am living a life outside of my apartment; rather than sitting in my apartment all day nodding and looking for my next blast.

it's only been 2 months but SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH HAS CHANGED; i can only imagine how much better things will be as time passes. i just need to continue to stay in this right state of mind, continue to stay busy and stay strong.

just wanted a quick update.

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i enjoy the show. especially the weird and atypical relationships/breakups that occur on the show.

things with unglued and i are good as far as being friends go. i think we are much better of this way. and his GF doesn't seem to have any issue with our friendship. he's spent two weekends with me without her. and he is coming up here to see NIN without her. i'm not quite ready to have them both visit me here for a weekend (maybe if there was more space. but doubtful) but i can deal with random hanging out.

for the most part, i am fine with them dating. i am happy he found someone. though i feel it a bit offputting how quickly they started dating and how quickly she moved across country to move in with him. i feel like she is just taking over the life i used to have and that everyone is more happy with her there. it is difficult because all of our friends are intertwined. and all my friends keep acting excited on facebook. it is hard when i see friends say things like "welcome to your new home" to unglued's GF.

and like, i've chatted with GF's ex about unglued and her. and with GF's best friend's ex about things. GF talks to her best friend about shit. best friend talks to a very good friend of mine. good friend also talks to the ex's. a mutual friend of all three of us lives with unglued and his GF. and chats with the ex's too. (was that confusing enough? that doesn't even get into other friendships we all share)

anyhow, i am all annoyed that unglued and GF are going to a high school friend's wedding this weekend. i feel like i should have been invited instead of GF. i know everyone and have spent time with the bride and groom. she hasn't even met any of them

but i realize this is part of being broken up. still doesn't help with the jealousy. i should just remind myself that i am not in the mood to get back with unglued.

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Hiya all,

Went to uni to get work done with Microdiet so I had that done, was pleased. I missed a drop-in meeting - but my masters in more important.

I text my 'friend' about Bluelight. Told her it has a lovely section on Mental Health, ya know thinking it will support her. A few hours later see sends me this message "Do not talk to me about 1codeine, forums or websites as it bores me senseless." I AM DONE WITH HER! A YEAR I cut all ties with her and she still has not learnt anything. Well she has text me lots and I have simply deleted the lot. I will NOT be abused or treated like **** by no one. I told her she was blunt and that this was NOT the way to speak to people and she replies "I think you're autistic so I have to be blunt with you." Well I am done with be devalued as a person. There is a way of saying thing. ALSO I NEV ER EVEN MENTIONED CODEINE MUCH TO HER ONLY IN EXCHANGE WHEN WE WERE DISCUSSING OUR ILNESSES I MEAN FFS INSN'T CONVO MEANT TO BE 50/50? No It's all her her her!!!!
And another person who was a friend ACCUSED ME OF WANTING TO BE ABUSED. What the fuck???? NO I DO NOT WANT TO BE ABUSED BY ANYONE AND WILL NOT TOLEERATE IT FROM NO ONE!!!!! THAT'S WHY APART FROM WISHING THAT PERSON WELL WITH AN APPOINTMENT I HAVE NOT CONTACTED HER EITHER. I'D ONLY CONTACT 'HER' IF SHE SHOWED SHE WAS FRIENDS WITH ME FOR ME AND NOT OUT OF GUILT...

Sorry everyone for the vent but I am learning something. Sometimes we just surround ourselves by the WRONG person and I love this site! No MORE! From now on anyone who abuses me gets the chop. No offence, but due to being HURT, August 2012 I promised myself I would not befriend another person with mental health issues, as all they do is hurt me, abuse me, and dump me. WHY, IN OCTOBER, DID I GO AND BEFRIEND ANOTHER WHO DID THE SAME???? I may seem judgemental but that's what happens when you're constantly hurt and rejected like a piece of s***.

Besides all this drama (sorry, lol, but I need somewhere to vent haha) how are you all doing? To all you recovering from addiction, I am with you and care n we can do this, ok..

Take care everyone,
Evey

It's been awile since i posted anything in blogs as i have had alot of shit to deal with but for some reason i felt like doing so today

I somehow made it through the worst winter of my life and the most depressed time of my life. I can honestly say that i have never felt as hopeless and utterly lost as i did up until a few weeks ago. I have always seen a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how bleak things where but during this past year and especially the winter i could not see any reason for going on besides just for the sake of it. I have never felt as utterly hopeless as i did this past year and January and February where especially bad. I was in such a state of depression that i often just spent my entire day dazed out on morphine, dilaudid, clonazepam and Cannabis until it was late enough to take my seroquel and crash out. I was just living day by day with my only goal being to get through till the next day without killing myself. Rarely a day went by when i didn't think about ending it all.

On top of this i also had horrible stomach pain to deal with. I dropped from about 175lbs the Christmas before last to about 150lbs last summer. I couldn't eat without being in pain so i often just didn't eat. Either that or i would take a huge shot of dilaudid or morphine, smoke some Cannabis and take some Buscopan if i had it before i ate in the hopes of stopping the crippling pain before it started. I often woke up with horrible stomach cramps as well so i was actually afraid to go to sleep for awile. I literally couldn't do anything when the pain hit me so i would lay around in bed all day thinking about how shitty my life was. It wasn't hard to come up with reasons to off myself that's for sure

However i am happy to say that during the past week or so i have been pain free and happy . In fact i can honestly say this is the longest time i have gone without being depressed or in pain for over a year. Hopefully it will keep up and if it does this will be a good summer much unlike the last one 8) . My psych meds seem to be working now that i am not doubled over in pain all day and the morphine and gabapentin have been helping the trigeminal neuralgia and i haven't had a bad attack of it in about 6 months. Well it's mostly the morphine as i think the only thing gabapentin did was help my restless leg syndrome and make me addicted to gabapentin

My friends have been a lifesaver literally in getting me through this rough time. Without them i doubt i would have made it. On atleast one occasion i would have certainly have killed myself if not for the fact that a really good friend talked me out of it. I guess some people are good at making me see light no matter how dark it may be. Since the friends on BL that i have know who they are there is no reason to name them. The ones not on BL know how grateful i am to them without saying.

I have never been much of a drinker. Alcohol was never my thing - always in combination with something, as a social lubricant or rarely as a last resort.

However most Irish people go nuts for ethanol. It is important to remember that it is a drink and not a drug, and therefore acceptable to the point of television adverts and pikeys passing out in the streets covered in their own vomit and stinking of piss.

There is one day of the year where alcohol is forbidden to be sold in either pub or off-licence. Something to do with Catholic guilt and the holy mortifying shame of it all.
The Good Friday Agreement was a direct negotiation between the Irish Government and Jesus Christ. The Pope at the time kindly made his special telephone available for this purpose.

Jesus said something along the lines of (don't quote me on this) "Thou shalt not buy, sell or consume alcoholic beverages on this day or I shall smite you down, for I was nailed to a cross for three days and all I had to drink was poxy vinegar".

Now to most people it is merely an inconvenience to have to buy their drinks the day before. The forgetful and the lazy get sorted too. Where there is a will there is a way.

But here ye, hear ye, all you devout Catholics of upstanding faith take notice how Jesus never specified his stance on the use of narcotics over the Good Friday period. Here is the loophole for the faithful. Load up on xanax and cocaine today for tomorrow you can drink again, you decrepit alcoholic bastards!

Geeze what a night that. Thought what the eck I'll have the half of the barcardi that was left with some cola zero so was driinking it n I have a pack of nurofin plus here (codeine n iboprofen tabs - so, spotting some old coffee filters i thought "ok lets do a CWE n have myself some codeine like the good old days.
Mind you I only did 20 of them so not really much n I'm on suboxone so logically this idea was insane n a COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME!!!! Still I did this. Drunk the vile tasting thing n chilled out with the rest of the barcadi n some hot cross bun. Wow those babies are so damn good.
Anyway I'm now off to uni, I kind figured that I'll get this damn assignment done in uni with NO distractions. I really want my masters n according to a former friend I should give it up as I've no cash which I found a tad judgemental n prob jealous. There's a thing called INSTALLMENTS, credit card n overdraft. If you want something bad enough never stop fighting for it. I spent THREE WEEKS writing my personal statement n no one is going to bring me down again.
Part of recovery is getting rid of people that bring me down, try to hurt or break me, or play games.

Take care ya'll
Evey xxx

Hiya Everyone,

How's things? I feel ACE!!!! Since I've dropped that moody turncot out of my life - well it's gone from shite to fab. Today I saw an old friend. We chatted, went for coffee all sorts. I go to a few groups n now have friends n YEP they're friends WITH ME FOR ME!!! Not because 'I apparently guilt trip them' n it's so very nice having friends who are on a even keel ya know I'm not on eggshells wondering what mood they're going to be in this part of the day. I'm meeting another old friend tomorrow n the day after am attending a group that I love.
Life can only get better n no one will ever bring me down again. Now off to a meeting as part of my recovery.

Take care,
Evey

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I think, generally speaking, there is still a pretty well-ingrained taboo against drug use in our society. “Why shouldn’t you use drugs?”, one might ask. “Because they are dangerous”, would probably be the most common reply. I agree with that to a certain extent, but not nearly as much as the Puritans among us who like to employ scare tactics to dissuade kids (and the rest of us whom think of as kids) from using drugs. I keep thinking of a certain anti-drugs TV commercial campaign from my youth which used an egg as a metaphor.

My personal opinion is that most drugs have persisted as long as they have because there is such a thing as a safe dose. Everyone from Barack Obama (and his two predecessors) to the 15% or so of high-schoolers who have admitted to trying drugs know this.

Then I watched this article. There is substance abuse and then there is this stuff. This reminds me of that scene in Robocop where the guy drove the van into the toxic waste dump.

http://www.cnn.com/video/?/video/us...ussia-to-u-s-.cnn&hpt=hp_t3&from_homepage=yes

The problem with designer drugs like krokodil and research chemicals is that there is little if any data on what they do to humans or even rats. Well, I guess we have some data on krokodil now. There’s plenty of clinical trials done on “classic” drugs like pot, LSD and plenty of others: they’re called the 60’s. DDs and RCs are a whole horse of a different color. We have no idea how the body will react to them. Even if the chemical itself is safe, the liver can metabolize it to something that is extremely toxic.

The unintended consequence of the zero-tolerance, “drugs will fry your brain” mentality is that the just-say-noers have lost all credibility in a time when there really is seriously dangerous shit going around in synthetic “drugs” that are being pushed. But the boy has cried wolf too many times, the kids aren’t going to listen now. What a shame, for once the boy is right.

Isn't life ACE!!! Got the best most beautiful daughter. Fantastic, amazing family. Christmas is coming!!!!!!!!! And autumn is here xxxx

I love, love, LOVE Autumn!!!!!! Leaves falling,
With many different colours,
Inner spirit's calling,
Loving Autumn the season of what it does

Oh the days are shorter n shorter,
Keeping cosy inside waiting for the hot water,
A lovely, cosy night with buscuits n tea,
Nowhere else I'd rather be

Oh this seasons makes me feel warm, fuzzy n good
Even though theres lots of rain outdoor floors all wet mud
We now change everything that we wear
While the trees have lost their leaves, are bare

Down comes that thick, warm curtain,
Night the end of a long day, shows summer is done
On and on we go
Preparing ourselves for colder days, times full of snow

Oh here you are oh precious,
Our heart full of song as we gently hum
Of all seasons Autumn is favourite n special
Magical n far from dull

We stay inside from the cold,
Watching nature's beauty: new n old,
This is Autumn, my magical time,
My favourite season, simply mine

Evey 14/10/2013

Why is it people disregard me like a **** (and yes I'm sober). When things happen in my life they matter n I am fed up with being disregarded, told to 'move on' when I'm hurting inside. I'm fed up of always being told to shut up n censored when its clear somethings happened n I need to address it to move on. But its ALL ABOUT OTHERS to hell withy feelings all about. Same s*** with my ex, move on Evey shut up don't talk about. I NEEDED TO F**** TALK ABOUT! No wonder I ended up. Addicted to codeine because I had so much anger inside me n its happening again.

By the way a load of people came here trying to get me banned. Does anything get dome about them??? No. Once again everyone stands around n lets it happen. What is the point in being nice when god knows who is stalking me n everyone lets it happen.

Its ok to hurt Evey, walk over, dump her, leave her a single mam or *** whatever... JUST MOVE ON N FORGET IT RIGHT AS LONG AS WE'RE ALL HAPPY!

All I wanted n needed was answers n people will get their karma one day because right now I just see it's ok to bully people, reject people, darken their name when they are trying to recover. All that's fine n bloody dandy.

I wrote in a text file, as I tend to reflect my thoughts in journals that I don't save, that "I should really be napping right now".

The buzzer on the oven then went off, telling me my food was done

The washer completed it's cycle at the same time.

A girl I look at sometimes, Avi, I met her on OkCupid. I read her blog. She's interesting. I've had some communication with her, but I find it hard to communicate with her, so I just look/watch, for now.

I've had some resonance with her.

One specifically was that I was focusing on Switzerland- reading about it, in resonance with a city that I pass through, called "Switz City", wondering about what Switz in it's regard meant... And then looking at her profile, within the hour, to find that she had moved to Geneva, Switzerland.

I was trying to find peace, I guess. Resonance.

I guess the one isn't the only one. I keep coming to this. But the one was born on a solar eclipse, that was first spotted in a town called Sunshine, and she has red-hair, and in the video documenting it there's a red-haired person at the telescope- to begin, for another. And red stands out. Orange. Sunshine.

And the one resonates with my mother, and sister, both. And reality seems to reflect her, around me. Sometimes, like I'm living inside of her.

With "Switzerland", I was struggling with feeling like I was programmed. Or like I was fighting my programming. I was drawing resonance with Marcus Wright, in Terminator, Salvation.

I most likely can't self-terminate (haha).

Another one. The place I usually post things

I exported it and moved it, rather.

I did it to try to disconnect myself from a girl who I think might have read it, and who in there was resonance with.

I'm not doing it because I don't like her, or really want to disconnect. But I don't see that there's really any other way right now.

I love her. I wish I could give that to her. I feel like I can't, the way I want to.

I try to keep her high, without obsessing. But I do. I fight it. I have these feelings that "she's the only one". I feel imprisoned. Not that this is directly bad. If I was with her, being bound would be no problem. But I'm not.

I say I feel she read it, because she resonated with it. I look at her, and she seems to dance, in alignment with things I write, or feel. Even if I don't write it. Like we are connected. Like spiritual entanglement.

But I say she resonated. Like she read it. Like she knows what I'm doing.

But the last series of posts here, on this blog, were about stars, and her- she was greatly involved. And she posted an image of stars within the day, smiling big.

...But she posted an image (images profile images on Facebook) of a carrot the day I bought a carrot after not having a carrot in 9 months. Bugs Bunny, a trickster, was holding it. There wasn't any way she could have known (???).

I feel like an ass in so many ways.

Bang.

She changed her image to an Angel the day I went to be treated by an "Angel", for allergies, within an hour of my release from the treatment clinic. It goes on like this, but these are some that are specific. It's like she's a mirror.

And so many times it seems like it's just a joke, played on me, by God, or God-The Devil-God. Or test.

I did it to try to disconnect myself from a girl who I think might have read it, and who in there was resonance with.

I'm not doing it because I don't like her, or really want to disconnect. But I don't see that there's really any other way right now.

I love her. I wish I could give that to her. I feel like I can't, the way I want to.

I try to keep her high, without obsessing. But I do. I fight it. I have these feelings that "she's the only one". I feel imprisoned. Not that this is directly bad. If I was with her, being bound would be no problem. But I'm not.

I say I feel she read it, because she resonated with it. I look at her, and she seems to dance, in alignment with things I write, or feel. Even if I don't write it. Like we are connected. Like quantum entanglement, in some sense, but in human relationships.

But I say she resonated. Like she read it. Like she knows what I'm doing.

But the last series of posts here, on this blog, were about stars, and her- she was greatly involved. And she posted an image of stars within the day, smiling big.

...But she posted an image (images profile images on Facebook) of a carrot the day I bought a carrot after not having a carrot in 9 months. Bugs Bunny, a trickster, was holding it. There wasn't any way she could have known (???).

I feel like an ass in so many ways.

Bang.

She changed her image to an Angel the day I went to be treated by an "Angel", for allergies, within an hour of my release from the treatment clinic. Various other things.

And so many times it seems like it's just a joke, played on me, by God, or God-The Devil-God. Or test.

I did it to try to disconnect myself from a girl who I think might have read it, and who in there was resonance with.

I'm not doing it because I don't like her, or really want to disconnect. But I don't see that there's really any other way right now.

I love her. I wish I could give that to her. I feel like I can't, the way I want to.

I try to keep her high, without obsessing. But I do. I fight it. I have these feelings that "she's the only one". I feel imprisoned. Not that this is directly bad. If I was with her, being bound would be no problem. But I'm not.

I say I feel she read it, because she resonated with it. I look at her, and she seems to dance, in alignment with things I write, or feel. Even if I don't write it. Like we are connected. Like quantum entanglement, in some sense, but on the scale of human relationships.

But I say she resonated. Like she read it. Like she knows what I'm doing.

But the last series of posts here were about stars, and her. And she posted an image of stars within the day, smiling big.

...But she posted an image (images profile images on facebook) of a carrot the day I bought a carrot after not having a carrot in 9 months. Bugs Bunny, a trickster, was holding it.

I feel like an ass in so many ways.

Bang.

Hiya,

Just want to say what an AMAZING, incredible site this is n so are the moderators. I'd like to thank stardust.hero for her kindness. She has listened to me n been there for me. Todayy I was ready to throw in the towel but I realised today that I so very much, LOVE this forum. The moderators are kind, caring n supportive. The members are lovely n supportive. This place is warm n I truly learn something new from here every day.

I am due to reduce my suboxone n I know that this is the place for me to do that. No one can hurt me anymore. All is well with the world n I KNOW that here I WILL recover from my addictions n be ME again.

Thank you so very much to ALL of you--and please know that I am here for ANY ONE OF YOU!!!! Lets do this together.

Wishing you all a smoothy n speedy recover,

Evey xxxx

Morning people,

Just a little blog to wish everyone well. I hope you are all doing well on your journey to recovery. Yesterday i did a blog discussing all the things that I am grateful for. Today I just thought I'd talk about where I am now.

I was addicted to codeine as you all know n am now on 8 mg of suboxone. In December I am tapering off this. I will be going to 6 mg. i was dreading this but I am looking fwd to it. All the symptoms i was having have eased off a so maybe i had got the bug that was going round or maybe it was stopping the alcohol? But surely if I only drank at night i would not be experiencing withdrawals from it n not sure if dizziness n nausea could come as a result of giving up alcohol anyway.

I'm bored of drinking as everytime i do it, it is never the one like I promise myself n i end up falling asleep on the couch, seeing msgs i've wrote to people n thinking; what the hell????? I have family members who like the drink n i do not want to be like that.

Anyway I need to plod on with an assignment for my masters which I am struggling with ugh!!!! Avoidance behaviour syndrome isn't going to vet it completed haha ....

Talk to ya all later n feel free to comment. I don't bite lol.... Well maybe just a little

Evey xxxx

Just when I think you've gone away, there you are again.
God damn it!

The memories we had were fun at the time,
but now are the source of pain.
Not only that, but it's hard to explain to other men.
It's why I've avoided being with someone.

You go away for a while, but you always come back.
As much as I wish I could break free, I can't.

From afar, I seem normal, but
it's pretty obvious once you get close.

I guess you'll always be with me.
Fucking herpes.

Hiya Everyone,

I hope that you are all doing well. I thiught I would do a blog about the good things in life. Feel free to comment about anything that you feel grateful / happy for.

I have my daughter. She is happy, lovely, beautiful little girl. I'm greatful that she has lots of little friends, greatful to see her smile every day, greatful to see her learn n progress through life, that she's a warm, intelligent, cheerky, amazing little four year old. I'm thankful to God for giving me such a precious gift.

I'm greatful for all the sunsets and the sunrises I've seen n for all the feelings n emotions that flow through me in those special moments when I'm in its natural awe n just for those special, natural momments----time stops where it is just I---and the sunsets n I'm greatful for that too.

I'm greatful for the ever- changing seasons---each luring me in to its natural n magnificant beauty. Those changes that stir something in us---magical, naatural n special. But most of all---for my FAVOURITE season, Autumn. Just like a curtain drawing closed on such a hot, busy, summer's day, is Autumn where for those special moments, all is still, all is call, all is tranquil.

I'm greatful that every minute of everyday I breathe, I am learning. Yes im greatful for both bad n good experiences in life because I learn from them. I learn from EVERYTHING.

I'm greatful that I have access to food n water without having to endanger myself in order to have them. Greatful that I don't have to experience storms, earthquakes or volcanos. For nature for everything n I thank God for these things every evening before I go to sleep.

I'm greatful for my Psychology degree n although I only got a 2:2 I remember the HARD WORK I did even though I went through some bad times and also was pregnant n looked after a small baby half way through. Although I did not do my 100-hour placement to become a qualified counsellor I am greatful for what I learnt, the friends I made n so much more. I will, when things are sprted, persue that again. But at the time I was very angry n judgemental due to events that happened that I did not believe, that at that time, I would make a suitable counsellor. So I believe I made the right decision for me at that time.

Well in McDonalds having a double sausage n egg meal before I go to my therapy session so must go.

Please feel free to comment something you feel greatful for below. We're all fighting this so let's all do it together, eh - with some positivity

Evey xxxx

Thats write just close my thread when im upset its all about power with some people to hell with anyone elses feelings.

What is with the hipster label on the young people right now? I listen to and review comedy professionally. Some comedy is great, and some is straight hack.

But no matter where on the scale of humor it is, loads of folks, I'm going to say baby boomers like me and our younger siblings, call people hipsters.

What? My father STILL says the word "hippie" with derision. He hated the hippie culture. He still hates the hippie culture. So do the people in his life.

So is it alright that we, as hippies, or yuppies, or whatever labels the old guard threw at us, then accept the concept of labels? I thought we all sort of agreed that calling people names other than their actual names was wrong?

If the "N word" is unacceptable, saying "Fag" is offensive, and calling a woman a "cunt" or a "dyke" is grounds for severe punishment, how do we call our youth "hipsters" in scorn?