I've been very contemplative lately. I'm not sure if it's the stress of being an academic overachiever who can't find employment or if it's because I'm an addict. Whichever, meet ChairmanMa084. Before you accept who you are, you have to know who you are. My deepest darkest secrets, what I stay up late thinking about. Those images that flash on the insides of my eyelids. I remember things like begging my mother for shoes that I knew she couldn't afford for me. Asking my father for $5000 for my fifteenth birthday, being dead serious about it. I've been stealing cash from his wallet since I was six. I justify it by him being a terrible father to my brother and me growing up. Yea, he's making up for it now. That's irrelevant to this now I think though.
I mean to document a few thoughts here today. The things I've lost that make me feel so out of control. The things that make me crave total control. I've lost a lot in my 28 years. I've lost a fiance. I've lost a wife. I've lost every grandparent, mostly to alcohol addiction. Thank god I don't drink...anymore. I've lost two children. One was aborted, one drowned. As I type this I feel my face filling with blood and heat. I'm sweating. It feels like I'm lying. The air passes by and cools my forehead with sweat. I overburden everyone to my advantage. I lost the trust from my entire family, yet I still have them convinced that I mean well.
I've lost these things, these people from my life. And now I lie. All the time, about nonsensical things. I lie about how much money I have in the bank. I say I'm broke and borrow money when I don't need to and then never pay it back saying I have too many bills. I have no bills. There is something dark inside of me. Is it something besides myself or is it me and the person I see in the mirror just the passenger? Whichever, I'm not doing either one of us any service as a sociopath. Until I have earned my own seal of approval, I'll continue to see myself this way. A duality of evil and passivity. I'm balanced I suppose. One hand holds my deceit and anger, the other my willingness to numb out and say, "It's okay."
So I put on a smile and go sell things to people. I play my guitar and sing into a microphone. I'm sure I look normal. But if you came up and talked to me, you'd notice something was wrong. You'd see right through me. I'm not transparent. I'm cloudy. You can see into me and know that there's something inside that doesn't quite match my conservative exterior. But you can't see exactly what it is.
All of a sudden, I remember the first time I admitted I was an addict. My sweat has passed now, but moments like this are why I've abused drugs in the past. I want to get high and not think about it right now. I've always used chemicals to cope. The only reason I don't go make a call for something right now is that it's too late in the evening.
Goddamnit. I never really have a point. I'd back up and expound on that, but fuck it. I need to be doing something productive so I don't make a ridiculous mistake. If you read this, please say something.
I mean to document a few thoughts here today. The things I've lost that make me feel so out of control. The things that make me crave total control. I've lost a lot in my 28 years. I've lost a fiance. I've lost a wife. I've lost every grandparent, mostly to alcohol addiction. Thank god I don't drink...anymore. I've lost two children. One was aborted, one drowned. As I type this I feel my face filling with blood and heat. I'm sweating. It feels like I'm lying. The air passes by and cools my forehead with sweat. I overburden everyone to my advantage. I lost the trust from my entire family, yet I still have them convinced that I mean well.
I've lost these things, these people from my life. And now I lie. All the time, about nonsensical things. I lie about how much money I have in the bank. I say I'm broke and borrow money when I don't need to and then never pay it back saying I have too many bills. I have no bills. There is something dark inside of me. Is it something besides myself or is it me and the person I see in the mirror just the passenger? Whichever, I'm not doing either one of us any service as a sociopath. Until I have earned my own seal of approval, I'll continue to see myself this way. A duality of evil and passivity. I'm balanced I suppose. One hand holds my deceit and anger, the other my willingness to numb out and say, "It's okay."
So I put on a smile and go sell things to people. I play my guitar and sing into a microphone. I'm sure I look normal. But if you came up and talked to me, you'd notice something was wrong. You'd see right through me. I'm not transparent. I'm cloudy. You can see into me and know that there's something inside that doesn't quite match my conservative exterior. But you can't see exactly what it is.
All of a sudden, I remember the first time I admitted I was an addict. My sweat has passed now, but moments like this are why I've abused drugs in the past. I want to get high and not think about it right now. I've always used chemicals to cope. The only reason I don't go make a call for something right now is that it's too late in the evening.
Goddamnit. I never really have a point. I'd back up and expound on that, but fuck it. I need to be doing something productive so I don't make a ridiculous mistake. If you read this, please say something.