Well I figured I would write a little bit more as we have hit yet another mile stone i suppose. Now the g/f is down to 8mg of methadone a day and we can not seem to get her to sleep more then 4 hours a night. She suffers from depression and anxiety, mornings are always rough for her so shes always in the worst mood in the mornings. This was fine because the mornings dont last long normally. She use to get up around 10am maybe be pissed while she wakes up so like an hour or 2 at most but now that shes up at like 5am i hear it nonstop. We are both at our wits end about this shes on lunesta she takes valium she exercises (weight training she has bad knees and scoliosis so she cant sprint really) but i want her to do cardio to try it.
I suppose i am writing this as a means to vent this time. We are both trying our hardest but the issue is shes been trying to get her life together, making doctors appointments trying to get a job, but its like every morning is a struggle for her between her anxiety ruining her sleep when she has appointments and now the methadone or whatever is keeping her up some days she nearly drives me insane before i even punch into work. Today she started at 9am and i cant get a hold of her anymore. Dont get me wrong i dont think she would ever hurt herself now, i use to fear she would kill herself because she suffered from depression with suicidal tendencies, mostly self harm nothing major, but when we were addicted to heroin leaving her alone to go to work in withdrawal i would worry it would get the best of her because it seemed hopeless. So its not that i worry shes going to do anything i just want her to have a good time being alive, even if its an unfulfilled existence and it upsets her that way, i just dont want her in pain from a lack of sleep.
She is also struggling to find her purpose so she feels like she has none. Its hard because i have a very well defined purpose and it can occupy me indefinitely though knowledge and purchases. My goals can almost never be achieved due to how lofty they are but that just means to me i have a "lifes work" I wish i could help her find her purpose.
Its funny to think that quitting heroin and getting her to a healthy weight and everything would be the easy part. Seriously we have not had a single issue with cravings relapse or anything, i can safely say we are not at risk for any of that at all. In fact in the beginning it was as simple as saying no. She would go "i want to kill myself, that or dope" and i would just say "no" and then eventually that stopped sometime in march. It is known between the both of us that is not the path for us and I knew she would try and the reason it was so simple is historicaly thats all she needed to say to get me to borrow money or whatever to get dope but once she was on methadone i could just say "your not sick so no wtf do you think its going to do other then waste money" sure when she was adjusting to the methadone she used until she got to 90 then she just one day said "dont go to the city after work come home instead" and that was the end of the daily drive. But i digress, I know that its not dope and that we wont relapse but that doesnt make leaving her in pain easier. I hoped that i wouldnt have to deal with mood swings after we quit but realistically that is who she is and now that the mood swings dont involve dope sure the easiest way to end them is over but she rebounds after hours its just hours before she suddenly is ok with life again.
Its a very hard situation because shes done the whole SSRI thing, they drive her insane. She has a much more level mood off any type of SSRI then on them. In fact she can not take trazodone for sleep as that was causing her to not feel emotions and those were the days where i was worried she would hurt herself. So its not like she can go back on them i spent months trying to convince her that she will feel emotions again and that she will love me "like she should" as she put it. So i am infinitely happier now that i dont hear "i dont want you to come over you dont know what its like watching you cry and say you love me and i can not respond emotionally, you dont get it i awnt to feel something when you cry but i cant" those were harder days for a different reason.
I guess this serves as a vent. I hope that she gets better soon. We have tried everything my friend even put like 3g of dabs in 21 pills and she took 3 a night for 7 days and still barely slept and we got awesome weed from the dispensary in the area 28% THC verified still only put her to sleep for 5 hours. Some mornings its just hard to not say "oh i bet now your regretting being on benzos and lunesta before this, you should have manned up and dealt with not sleeping then rather then removing 2 classes from your arsenal because you have already been taking them daily."
I suppose i am writing this as a means to vent this time. We are both trying our hardest but the issue is shes been trying to get her life together, making doctors appointments trying to get a job, but its like every morning is a struggle for her between her anxiety ruining her sleep when she has appointments and now the methadone or whatever is keeping her up some days she nearly drives me insane before i even punch into work. Today she started at 9am and i cant get a hold of her anymore. Dont get me wrong i dont think she would ever hurt herself now, i use to fear she would kill herself because she suffered from depression with suicidal tendencies, mostly self harm nothing major, but when we were addicted to heroin leaving her alone to go to work in withdrawal i would worry it would get the best of her because it seemed hopeless. So its not that i worry shes going to do anything i just want her to have a good time being alive, even if its an unfulfilled existence and it upsets her that way, i just dont want her in pain from a lack of sleep.
She is also struggling to find her purpose so she feels like she has none. Its hard because i have a very well defined purpose and it can occupy me indefinitely though knowledge and purchases. My goals can almost never be achieved due to how lofty they are but that just means to me i have a "lifes work" I wish i could help her find her purpose.
Its funny to think that quitting heroin and getting her to a healthy weight and everything would be the easy part. Seriously we have not had a single issue with cravings relapse or anything, i can safely say we are not at risk for any of that at all. In fact in the beginning it was as simple as saying no. She would go "i want to kill myself, that or dope" and i would just say "no" and then eventually that stopped sometime in march. It is known between the both of us that is not the path for us and I knew she would try and the reason it was so simple is historicaly thats all she needed to say to get me to borrow money or whatever to get dope but once she was on methadone i could just say "your not sick so no wtf do you think its going to do other then waste money" sure when she was adjusting to the methadone she used until she got to 90 then she just one day said "dont go to the city after work come home instead" and that was the end of the daily drive. But i digress, I know that its not dope and that we wont relapse but that doesnt make leaving her in pain easier. I hoped that i wouldnt have to deal with mood swings after we quit but realistically that is who she is and now that the mood swings dont involve dope sure the easiest way to end them is over but she rebounds after hours its just hours before she suddenly is ok with life again.
Its a very hard situation because shes done the whole SSRI thing, they drive her insane. She has a much more level mood off any type of SSRI then on them. In fact she can not take trazodone for sleep as that was causing her to not feel emotions and those were the days where i was worried she would hurt herself. So its not like she can go back on them i spent months trying to convince her that she will feel emotions again and that she will love me "like she should" as she put it. So i am infinitely happier now that i dont hear "i dont want you to come over you dont know what its like watching you cry and say you love me and i can not respond emotionally, you dont get it i awnt to feel something when you cry but i cant" those were harder days for a different reason.
I guess this serves as a vent. I hope that she gets better soon. We have tried everything my friend even put like 3g of dabs in 21 pills and she took 3 a night for 7 days and still barely slept and we got awesome weed from the dispensary in the area 28% THC verified still only put her to sleep for 5 hours. Some mornings its just hard to not say "oh i bet now your regretting being on benzos and lunesta before this, you should have manned up and dealt with not sleeping then rather then removing 2 classes from your arsenal because you have already been taking them daily."
We dont sleep forever but 8-10am is what makes sense because we fall asleep around 1
