So on November 3rd, it made 9 years since my mom died. I can't believe it's been one year shy of a fucking decade she's been gone. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday and other times it feels like she never really existed in the first place. I have pictures and my memories, but it's scary.
She's my mommy, so why can't I remember what her voice sounded like? Why can't I remember what she smelled like? It's all those things that scare me. I was 20 when she died, now I'm going on 30.
Also on November 3rd of this year, my girlfriend and future wife was diagnosed with COPD. She smoked cigarettes for almost half of her life. But the fucking ironic part of all this was that she had just recently quit smoking because she had bronchitis for the millionth time. She went to the doctor, got antibiotics, then her breathing got worse, so her Doctor ordered a chest X-ray. From the X-ray, her Doctor diagnosed her with COPD. I know it's not, like, a terminal illness, but I'm so fucking scared. I don't want to lose the love of my life.
I know it's very hypocritical of me to say these things as I use heroin and cocaine and smoke crack and just generally do stupid things to myself in order to cope.
She said she has to go through having COPD alone, like everything else for the past 5 years. Basically, since I became addicted to opiates and became a daily user. Jesus, that's so depressing how long it's been and how I'm still making the same damn mistakes. When will I learn my lesson? I also want to be there for my girlfriend, but I don't know what to do. I want to hold her and cry with her. I want to tell her everything will be fine. I want her to stop reading WebMD about COPD. I want her to be happy and healthy.
I've been working as much as I can at the Chain Coffee Shop that shall not be named but you've probably been to one. I wake up at 3:30am to get on a 4:30am train to be at work by 5:30am. I'm also usually out of work before 1pm, so that's awesome. I am basically a nocturnal animal at this point.
I've been up for 24 hours now. I can't look at this screen much longer or my head is going to fall off my body. I wanted to write more, but alas I can only see from my left eye... fucking heroin and cocaine.
I gotta pick up this month's supply of Suboxone... ugh, so fucking lazy. I keep nodding the fuck out.
Peace & Love.
She's my mommy, so why can't I remember what her voice sounded like? Why can't I remember what she smelled like? It's all those things that scare me. I was 20 when she died, now I'm going on 30.
Also on November 3rd of this year, my girlfriend and future wife was diagnosed with COPD. She smoked cigarettes for almost half of her life. But the fucking ironic part of all this was that she had just recently quit smoking because she had bronchitis for the millionth time. She went to the doctor, got antibiotics, then her breathing got worse, so her Doctor ordered a chest X-ray. From the X-ray, her Doctor diagnosed her with COPD. I know it's not, like, a terminal illness, but I'm so fucking scared. I don't want to lose the love of my life.
I know it's very hypocritical of me to say these things as I use heroin and cocaine and smoke crack and just generally do stupid things to myself in order to cope.
She said she has to go through having COPD alone, like everything else for the past 5 years. Basically, since I became addicted to opiates and became a daily user. Jesus, that's so depressing how long it's been and how I'm still making the same damn mistakes. When will I learn my lesson? I also want to be there for my girlfriend, but I don't know what to do. I want to hold her and cry with her. I want to tell her everything will be fine. I want her to stop reading WebMD about COPD. I want her to be happy and healthy.
I've been working as much as I can at the Chain Coffee Shop that shall not be named but you've probably been to one. I wake up at 3:30am to get on a 4:30am train to be at work by 5:30am. I'm also usually out of work before 1pm, so that's awesome. I am basically a nocturnal animal at this point.
I've been up for 24 hours now. I can't look at this screen much longer or my head is going to fall off my body. I wanted to write more, but alas I can only see from my left eye... fucking heroin and cocaine.
I gotta pick up this month's supply of Suboxone... ugh, so fucking lazy. I keep nodding the fuck out.
Peace & Love.
