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Sometimes you never really understand a phrase like that until you have a point of reference. And she really is haunting my dreams. A ghost from 16 years back who comes and goes and I'm left with the emotional ether still floating soft wisps inside me this morning. Tears evaporating under my skin. I can never really get hold of it and just yank it out like I would want to.

I have let her go so many times but still I cannot help but feel her when she is in my dreams. I cannot help but feel.

I have just learned to let it ebb out of me in the day. But it takes a lot, especially for me. Someone who processes everything down to the last detail possible. And then some.

I woke up in the middle of the night with her still in my head, I woke up this morning with her fresh from a new dream. Twice in one night. Once a month. It's getting a bit much now. I want to wake up feeling cocky and stupid again, hair bushing out fucked up on one side and proud of it. Not empty, and cold like I did today.

I will let you run sorely from my life this morning baby, but please not tonight. I need to live now. I need to let you go. Again.

Went to the Ermergency Room last night....

I received 3 shots of Dilaudid, and 4 shots of Demorol/Morphine. and 6 Lorcet.


Didn't get eased off. Stomach is bleeding pretty bad, can't eat, can't drink too much. Need a MOTHERFUCKING CIGARETTE. No money to buy a cigarette, well no money for nothing.

and My cat died today, bled to death after a dog attacked him. R.I.P. 'Roofie'.

*ends whining.

Whoa. 6 days of cocaine and ecstasy. That's a lot. I was doing pretty good after rehab, but the constant anxiety and tension of my parents house is driving me nuts. Hopefully I get this job cooking. It looks like I will.

Ate too much laxatives, gotta go poop again! bye

Did not have work today. Just woke up. Feeling rather shitty. Thought the feelings were from reduced Suboxone dose. Already hours without dose by accident. No withdrawal symptoms. Talked to girlfriend briefly this morning, feeling just as bad as me. Sometimes question if I myself suffer from chronic PMS. Ha. That was joke. Laugh.

Having cigarette and then going to doctors appointment. Sick and tired of people telling me to go to NA meetings. Bane to my existence. Take away from time I wish to spend with others and myself.

Just got back from the doctors. Had some acupuncture done. Feel alright now, not great, but not bad either. Not as tired, but still feeling stressed and melancholy, although not as severe. Put about ten needles into me. One on each foot. One on each hand. And three in each ear. Doctor was decent. Talked about the acupuncture in medical terms and then dropped comment about ki to see how I would react. Him and I started talking about meditation, The Fourteen Meridians, Buddhism.

Called girlfriend. She is feeling better. Going down to see her when she gets off work. Try to cheer her up. Makes me happy when she is happy.

Went to her job and managed to cheer her up. Don't know how I do it sometimes considering attitude towards life and the way I feel. Seeing her smile made me smile. Just texted me thanking me up and down for visiting and professing love. Nice how we bring each others mood up when down.

No work tomorrow thank Elysium. Very tired. Been pushing body to breaking point lately with workout regime and steroid cycle. Trying to undue physical damage done by irresponsible heroin use. Great success thus far.

Suboxone dose cut again. Does not matter. At this point not needed.

Saved up and put away enough money to have writing published. Instructions put away as well. Written journal, this journal, Myspace journal, and certain Bluelight posts of other persona to be published if anything ever happens to me. Want world to know story. Perhaps others can learn from mistakes, find hope, or improve life based on experiences of mine and code and morals I live by.

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. Excited. Enjoy holiday. One day a year my strange behavior and humor considered normal and acceptable by society.

my friend who i was letting live here till he got things sorted has decided to quit his job and move back to ohio. but his ticket is not for another 16 days and he has no plans on doing anything besides hanging out here and drinking. i can't fucking stand.

today i am home sick and all i want to do is lay down and rest. but he keeps coming into my room babbling about moving back to ohio. but i do not give a flying fuck.

initially, he was going to work up until he was flying back. but then he decided that he was too good to wash dishes and walked out of his job.

he was supposed to contribute to rent and bills, but blows all his money drinking. and then whines and eats everyone else's food cause he can't afford to feed himself.

and he is too stupid to take the bus to take himself anywhere. he is always asking and whining that i take him places. then acting all upset like i owe it to him to take him to the gas station and buy him beer. or gets annoyed because i do not want to go to a stupid punk show on a random night.

then he is busy telling everyone how much seattle sucks. and the people are so lame. even tho he is the one who walks around with a massive chip on his shoulder thinking he is better than everyone else. he won't talk to my one friend because all he has done is smoke pot, and that is not cool enough for him. so every time i hang out with this friend, he makes snide comments about how uncool he is.

Fucking stressful day. Passed out when I got home from work. Woke up feeling disillusioned. E-Mail from roommate who had thrown me out of flat days ago. Made me feel bad. He is good person, I not so much. Girlfriend did not call despite her having day off. Perhaps I should of called? Her Myspace blog entries leave me with bad feeling. One titled "Frustrated" and private. Other had no subject but able to be seen by me:

I AM NOT HAPPY BY ALL MEANS RIGHT NOW. and all I have to say is this better be pms because I have not yet gotten my period and I was due 2 days ago..and usually Im early. never late. But Im really uncomfortable, irritable, thirsty, I feel like fuckin crying, and I feel fucking stuck.. I just want my liscense already, it sucks having a car and not being able to drive it. and why do I always have off on the shittiest days and the day after is fuckin wonderful weather? FUCK THE WIND. I couldve drove somewhere instead of being stuck at home and wasting the day away. Usually I end up walking in the shitty weather but I was not for that today. I might as well have went all out and smoked some weed, take fuckin advantage of nothing. I USUALLY DONT RANT LIKE THIS BUT I DONT FUCKIN CARE RIGHT NOW. god I hate being a woman, you know at least lesbians dont have to worry about being pregnant. now I feel like I never want to have sex again. FUCK EVERYTHINGGGGG IM GOING TO FUCKING BED

Obviously PMS with worrying and overwhelming emotions. Know for fact not pregnant. Used condom last time. Not worried about that to much, feel bad over rest of stuff. Wish I was in better financial situation, had own place and had car fixed, wish I could be that knight in shining armor for her. Wish I was not sick like I am mentally, emotionally, and physically. Would be able to be there more for her and show her world. Going to stop by her job tomorrow and try to cheer her up. Love her so much.

Strange though. Everytime she is sad or upset so am I. She feels like crying. I feel like crying right now.

Try to keep emotions like that hidden from her and my family. Always try to make people smile. Makes me happy. Sometimes wonder if they know that something is going on inside me. That I have come to conclusion there is no more time left for me to borrow. No use hoping for a miracle. Lately been asking who will be left standing when I’m gone. Have concluded there’ll be nothing left but a beautiful vision that echoes with my fleeting moments of joy that have become an eternity. Finally will have achieved that happiness that goes on forever.

But there is always something in the way... Got to knock on Elysium's gate, need to knock on heaven's door a little harder and break on through.

Here there are old things.

Here across endless fields of dead flowers, ash incessantly rains. Here the walls hold just enough paint to show you they once weren't grey. Here the paint holds just enough colour to show you that it has faded. Here old things hold together enough to show you their anger.

Black sockets beneath cold mountains howl and bay at empty tracks, twisted tongues leading out of them. Leading into them. Here red sparks still jump under the ash, ugly imps picking at the twilight sky from beneath.

Here the ground fights in vain against smoking metal heaps. They kick and screech in her mouth. Pulling teeth to prevent being swallowed. They hiss and creak and spew black blood, thick drops flying up into the poisoned air.

Here there are old things, still sucking greedily at the dry marrow of the land. Burning with malice at their demise.

Here there are old things, here there are bad things, here there are things that just refuse to die.

i wrote the basics of how an MG is employed at the coy and smaller level. its written for the laymen and such, i know its missing fine points. its just a very rough overview for anyone intrested. if you want more detail, PM me or leave the ? as a comment.

its amphetamine induced writing i wanna save/edit for later use, so ima post it here, armchair corporals, enjoy.
speaking of machine guns. i feel like explaining current TRADOC on them. (training and doctrine, how they is used on the battle field)

the basic medium machine gun team has 3 people. a shooter. an ammo feeder, who links new belts in, and makes sure they dont get tangled, and commander/spotter, who also changes the barrel when it over heats. (wwI machineguns was watercooled barrels, hence firing for 100,000's in a row, modern air cooled over heats in about a 1000....but modern war is so fluid, water cooling is not feasable)...so the shooter just shoots, ammo feeder does his thing. the commander makes the team.

first of all, the commander calls targets out for the shooter. unless its overrun/WWI type of thing, then he calls free fire, nd the shooter takes his choice.

generally, the commander has 3 target types: point, area, vehicle. point is aimed at a single person. like a sniper or officer. area is for a group of soldiers, from a 4 man fire team,to a wall of men like WWI. vehicle is for a vehicle, and is to shoot at glass/tires/other soft spots.



generally, the commander has 3 target types: point, area, vehicle. point is aimed at a single person. like a sniper or officer. area is for a group of soldiers, from a 4 man fire.

next: he picks the fire purpose. the defualt one, and doesnt need to be spoken, is to kill the targets. other options include supress. (make them stay put behind cover, so allied forces can close on em and kill em) harass...thats usually done at far range and at big areaa tragets. the idea being that killing 20-30 of enemy battalion doesnt do a whole lot tactially, but it sure makes them move slow, hiding behind cover, ect, and reduces morale. no soldier wants to run at an MG posistion...it tends to lead to death. the third type is force maneouver/area denial. this is related to the fact no one wants to run at a machine gun head on, so it forces OPFOR to attemp flanking you...right into your waiting armoured cav company with pre-registered 155mm's and snipers.

the next part of a fire order is the fire style: aimed single shot, short burst, long burst, sustained. the first two tend to be for point fire, or close range area fire. that fire style intends most of the bullets to end up in human beings. long burst, however, is the most common used style. its good blend between ammo efficent, effect on target, and barrel heat. long burst is 20-50 rounds every 10 seconds or so, until everyone in that target is dead, or orders switch to new target. long burst can kill a single man in one burst, devistate a company sized unit in under 10 seconds and supress a company sized unit in under 30sec. sustained tends to be for a) zerg rush wwI style b) harrasing fire c) supression on "elite" troops, troops with good cover, or units larger then a company...see a)

there are 3 basic ways of giving the direction of fire. the most "proper' used by a set up MG crew, starts from a known "0" and goes in a circle to 360, 180 being facing right backwards.

next is calling degrees left/right...like if the MG was facing north, 90 right would be east, 90 left west.



the third, crudest, and most common, is in "o clock"....MG's "natural" aim is 12 oclock, 3 olock would be east.

then comes range of the target, either from optics/lazor or guestimation.

then comes their elevation, are they above or below or even altitude wise with you. shooting down a 100m hill "elevation -100m"

then comes any landmark mark or cover they are in. "by that burned out audi" or "behind that bush"



if possibly specificy the type of enemy. "heavy infantry!" "logistics troops" "mechanics" and vehicles/tanks/equipment they have, and a guess of how many "heavy mech infantry, half platoon (30ish) and a BTR-90 (a thingy between a tank and a truck, called an armoured personelle carrier)...if u see heavy armour,do radio up the chain!

so now we're ready to give you a fire order. *slaps tracy on back and points towards target* target to your front, 20 degrees, area target, range 700m, elevation +40m, dismounted infantry platoon, long burst, FIRE, GO ON!"



*machine gun fire*

*slap and point again* target to your front, 35 degree's, point target, range 400m, elevation +2, single officer, short bursts, FIRE, GO ON!"

see what i did, i switched you to kill the officer who was creeping closer, perhaps to call a jet fighter on us!



congrats. thats like week one of tactics at the MG course...and i skipped a few lot things.


now for a few more hours of week one, and a bit from riflemen's course:



what to do when an MG is shooting at you.

first thing. he may be low on ammo, drop down like your dead/hit. he may stop. but always keep your eye on him.

if he keeps shooting...your a) fucked b) have little to loose. shoot back, stay low and make for cover.



if he stops. wait until they tied up on another target, perferably one the other side of 0 that your on. now, move slow and low sideways away from and forwards towards the MG. you want to end up about 300m away, 150m of that on his flank (so off his zero) and 150m in front of...or...even better, behind them.

remember, a medium or heavy MG can only really swing 45-90 from its zero, and its a real bitch to pick them up and set em on a new zero...fucking tripods and belt feeds and spotting scopes, ect) so when ur like 120 from his zero, you've turned the MG into 3 riflemen....in a poor army, (former ussr, offical african army) they have very basic rifle skills, in a rebel group, they only know how to load and spray an AK...and may not even have one!.



now, that your of their sight. Take your time and aim your rifle shots in semi=auto mode. go prone, use a barrell support, use your optical sight....you are now the one with the element of surprise, use it!

take an aimed shot at the commander. a single shot. chances are good you will hit and kill/maim him. if u miss, dont panic. a) they may have not noticed. their MG post is loud. your rifle shot from 300m is probably unhearable if they where firing/its an active battle....if they did notice, a single shot is hard to use to locate someone. stay cammed/consealed, and re-aim and fire again...carry on until you kill them/can get a GRID and radio it back for arty/air, or they notice you.



now i said they might be poor riflemen, but dont bet your life on it. fight now like you would against riflemen. move towards them while firing semi-aimed shots. if you kill them before grenade range,good work. if not. get a god damned grenade off at em!...that grenade SHOULD of killed them. if not, god damnit, fix bayonette, keep at them and shoot or stab em to death...basic infantry work really.

I got a head cold and ton of snot. Seriously I know my head is empty but I didn't think it could hold this much mucus. If I could bottle and sell the stuff I'd be a millionaire by now.

*sniff*

Right now all i want to do is doodle. If i want to turn something into a drawing, i get overwhelmed by the amount of markings, ornamentation, flourishes, etc etc etc i see myself wanting in my gut to add. basically, i just want to doodle lots of notebooks full of doodles.

i kind of wonder if ten notebooks full of small, casual doodles equals one notebook full of fully realized work. i'm not sure which i want to do (both probably).

im just looking forward to getting tons of space to spread out, and months stretching in front of me to work on some very large drawings. drawings where a .5mm line will really seem absurd because the paper surface is so large. thousands and millions of hatching, hairy markings, and organic squares piled upon one another in pieces that stretch all the way across my living room walls / floor on and on for months.

this sort of work will be where the doodles will pay off - i'll have a lot of notebooks and sketches to mine for material / shapes / and organizational schemes. thats what i need to do, more scheming.

Did not have work today. Just woke up. Feeling rather shitty. Thought the feelings were from reduced Suboxone dose. Already hours without dose by accident. No withdrawal symptoms. Talked to girlfriend briefly this morning, feeling just as bad as me. Sometimes question if I myself suffer from chronic PMS. Ha. That was joke. Laugh.

Having cigarette and then going to doctors appointment. Sick and tired of people telling me to go to NA meetings. Bane to my existence. Take away from time I wish to spend with others and myself.

Just got back from the doctors. Had some acupuncture done. Feel alright now, not great, but not bad either. Not as tired, but still feeling stressed and melancholy, although not as severe. Put about ten needles into me. One on each foot. One on each hand. And three in each ear. Doctor was decent. Talked about the acupuncture in medical terms and then dropped comment about ki to see how I would react. Him and I started talking about meditation, The Fourteen Meridians, Buddhism.

Called girlfriend. She is feeling better. Going down to see her when she gets off work. Try to cheer her up. Makes me happy when she is happy.

Went to her job and managed to cheer her up. Don't know how I do it sometimes considering attitude towards life and the way I feel. Seeing her smile made me smile. Just texted me thanking me up and down for visiting and professing love. Nice how we bring each others mood up when down.

No work tomorrow thank Elysium. Very tired. Been pushing body to breaking point lately with workout regime and steroid cycle. Trying to undue physical damage done by irresponsible heroin use. Great success thus far.

Suboxone dose cut again. Does not matter. At this point not needed.

Saved up and put away enough money to have writing published. Instructions put away as well. Written journal, this journal, Myspace journal, and certain Bluelight posts of other persona to be published if anything ever happens to me. Want world to know story. Perhaps others can learn from mistakes, find hope, or improve life based on experiences of mine and code and morals I live by.

Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. Excited. Enjoy holiday. One day a year my strange behavior and humor considered normal and acceptable by society.

1) Get off the antihistamines now that I'm feeling a bit better, they really are life killers, I can survive on 1 every 3 days but 1 a day it feels like I'm robbed of part of my humanity.

2) Buy the book for the sodding course I'm taking this year, which is a re-hash of a course I took 3 years ago, which is all part of my degree. I took the course because it looked interesting but I'm really pissed that its nothing but the same sodding crap I've already done, but I'll be more pissed if I paid for it and don't do it. Do sodding multiple choice assignment before 11 Feb. Sodding course. I'm not too charmed with this, can you tell?

3) Get visa's and passports. I'm traveling this year

4) Go back to gym, had an active Feb, spent most of March with with ear infections and snot. But its better now!

5) Make contact with more people. Especially visit friends in Durban!!

6) Finish the 3 pieces I started writing earlier and post 'em

7) Start making plans and booking venues for Summer events (September).

8 ) Make more mixes, and post those buggers too!

Good morning!

As I discussed in my last blog post, after running out of 8mg Suboxone tablets, I got a refill from my doctor for 14 2mg tablets.

Today, I had 1 tablet left on file, and went to get it filled before class at my usual pharmacy. This pharmacy is by far the cheapest in my area.

So, I walk in and ask to get it filled, and as I am paying, the pharmacist tells me this single 2mg tablet is going to be $9.99!

I was stunned. I thought it had to be a mistake. 2mg are far more expensive per milligram than the 8mg tablets, but I couldn't believe it. Come to find out, there is a $9.99 minimum purchase.

I needed the fucking thing, so I just paid and left. But I wonder if this minimum is just on Suboxone, or if it is all narcotics.

I've gotten my Citalopram filled there before, and had to pay only $4 for a one-month supply.

It is insane, but obviously I had no choice but to pay. Has anyone else experienced this?

Springtime is here, and it's a bag of mixed blessings. On one hand, I can stop wearing sweatpants and 3 layers of socks around the house. On the other hand, the invasion is about to begin. During the first couple of weeks of April, for as long as I can remember, the insect and small mammals mount a tactical assault on my mom's 40+ year old rowhouse.

Ants, spidercrickets, cockroaches lead the charge. The mice are not as bad in this house. Thankfully I only see 1-2 of those little fuckers per year. Spidercrickets however, are the absolute worst. It's not uncommon for me to open the door to my room (in the basement of course, the natural habitat of drug addict failures such as myself) and spot 10-20 spidercrickets spread out all over the place.

They are roughly the size of a cockroach and they can jump 2 feet in the air. This ability makes them especially hard to kill. I've actually seen these alien-demon bugs jump into people's hair, and into their mouths, and onto plates of food. May almighty Yahweh himself please wipe them from the surface of this earth, amen.

On a serious note, I do not enjoy living in this house. It is a very filthy place. My mom is too depressed to clean anything, or cook anything. Garbage bags piles up on the kitchen floor until it stinks so bad, someone is forced to get rid of it. Tiny civilizations are slowly forming out of the 14 different types of mold that covers our only shower. It's really really dirty.

Lately, my mom has been so down, she can't even cook herself food, let alone clean anything. She'll just pour a bowl of cereal and stare at the TV. And this happens every single night. Once upon a time, I used to think that if I could make my mother happy if I went out into the world and became successful, but that was a long time ago. That was before my dad let me know that "she's always been like this and she always will."

If I cant find someone to help me clean this place, this year's invasion will be the worst one ever.

...and my antidrug.

sure, i just woke up with vicodin and klonipin everywhere, but fuck that un-god-ified shit. until its consecrated by a minister of the lord, or at least placed in front of a tv with samuel l jackson reciting his "ezekiel" speech on pulp fiction, i aint touchin that shit. coulda come from swine merchants, ya know.

Morning started off bad. Woke up from horrible nightmare. Feeling of dread and anxiety over took me as roused from slumber. Do not remember details, only I know is lost girlfriend in nightmare. Can never escape veil of depression. Yesterday was so nice but today not good. Only fleeting moment of happiness was at work today. Was working and their was a small child in stroller. Could not help but smile at young girl and she smiled back. Do not know why but made me very happy. Rarely smile at anything anymore. Crying thinking about it. Not sure why. Mind unwinding as of late, emotions in chaos. Suboxone dose reduced again. Almost 3 weeks sober. Future still uncertain. Might check into hospital soon. Afraid as of late. If is was'nt for girlfriend and remaining family, would probably take own life. Days are getting harder and harder to endure. Not sure about anything anymore. Praying for another fleeting moment of happiness to keep me from saying fuck it. Hoping for emotional rebound of sorts by tomorrow.

Fell asleep shortly after writing above paragraph. Feeling much better now but still not great. Emotions like day and night as of late. Very stressful on the mind and body. Message on phone from person I met at NA meeting. Nice guy. Debating if I should or shouldn't call back. Do not buy into the whole NA twelve step bullshit and God shit. Could always use another friend though.

Hopefully spending time with girlfriend tomorrow. Wore track jacket of mine she wore for hours few days ago. Smells of incense. Thought of her all day.

Fucking stressful day. Passed out when I got home from work. Woke up feeling disillusioned. E-Mail from roommate who had thrown me out of flat days ago. Made me feel bad. He is good person, I not so much. Girlfriend did not call despite her having day off. Perhaps I should of called? Her Myspace blog entries leave me with bad feeling. One titled "Frustrated" and private. Other had no subject but able to be seen by me:

I AM NOT HAPPY BY ALL MEANS RIGHT NOW. and all I have to say is this better be pms because I have not yet gotten my period and I was due 2 days ago..and usually Im early. never late. But Im really uncomfortable, irritable, thirsty, I feel like fuckin crying, and I feel fucking stuck.. I just want my liscense already, it sucks having a car and not being able to drive it. and why do I always have off on the shittiest days and the day after is fuckin wonderful weather? FUCK THE WIND. I couldve drove somewhere instead of being stuck at home and wasting the day away. Usually I end up walking in the shitty weather but I was not for that today. I might as well have went all out and smoked some weed, take fuckin advantage of nothing. I USUALLY DONT RANT LIKE THIS BUT I DONT FUCKIN CARE RIGHT NOW. god I hate being a woman, you know at least lesbians dont have to worry about being pregnant. now I feel like I never want to have sex again. FUCK EVERYTHINGGGGG IM GOING TO FUCKING BED

Obviously PMS with worrying and overwhelming emotions. Know for fact not pregnant. Used condom last time. Not worried about that to much, feel bad over rest of stuff. Wish I was in better financial situation, had own place and had car fixed, wish I could be that knight in shining armor for her. Wish I was not sick like I am mentally, emotionally, and physically. Would be able to be there more for her and show her world. Going to stop by her job tomorrow and try to cheer her up. Love her so much.

Strange though. Everytime she is sad or upset so am I. She feels like crying. I feel like crying right now.

Try to keep emotions like that hidden from her and my family. Always try to make people smile. Makes me happy. Sometimes wonder if they know that something is going on inside me. That I have come to conclusion there is no more time left for me to borrow. No use hoping for a miracle. Lately been asking who will be left standing when I’m gone. Have concluded there’ll be nothing left but a beautiful vision that echoes with my fleeting moments of joy that have become an eternity. Finally will have achieved that happiness that goes on forever.

But there is always something in the way... Got to knock on Elysium's gate, need to knock on heaven's door a little harder and break on through.

Since I've been seeing so many posts lately that would be better suited for a blog, I've been actively wondering if anyone uses them. I figure I may as well use mine, just so I don't fall into the same silly situation of making threads like "OMGZ guyz i got sooooo wasted last night off a zima and ibuprofen." Shit, is Zima even ztill available?

we started at brambleton deli where i hungrily threw back the most delicious bbq sandwich i've ever come in contact with. then as a few people developed into a crowd we migrated to bww's where we played knock-out on surprisingly open pool tables. i happened to make an awesome winning shot. my brother-in-law had two balls left side by side at the far end of the table. i shot between them and they both rolled into the far corner pockets all professional like. after we had our fill there, we abandoned bww's and headed towards downtown in hopes to find a place that would liven us up.

we decided upon awful author's which was booming with music and had a three dollar cover charge. once entering the thunderous place, i handed my id to the doorman with my three dollars. in the middle of the exchange i heard my name amplified throughout the building,

"stacy ***, you need to get up here and sing this song stacy ***!'

to my surprise i saw doug and his band, center hill, on stage and they were all looking and pointing to me. my face automatically flushed red and my palms became sweaty. i shook my head no and hid behind my embarrassed smile as we made our way to the bar for a beer. in route, i heard them start to play a familiar song. it just so happened to be the song i wrote and recorded six years ago at the baptist home. i had forgotten i had given doug rights to the song. it was awesome hearing it by an actual band and i think they probably did it better than i ever could. but they werent satisfied by my absence on stage. after the song was over doug went a little over board saying,

"that song was by one of the greatest singer/song writers in the roanoke area. her name is stacy *** and she's sitting right over there...behind the plants by the bar." everyone looked at me...

they started up again playing a good song of theirs, but at the end they started up with me again trying to get me on that damn stage.

"stacy *** here is a guitar! get up here now! this song is easy, just G C and D, come up and play!" i burried my face in my hands and my face was hot. "stacy ***!, staaaaacccccyyyy!"

it was highly embarrassing and doug knows i have terrible stage fright. but that didnt stop him. "hey guys, i think she needs some help getting up here why dont we all yell to show her they way!"
so they all wooed but i still didnt budge. doug even got a ralley of people to come to where i was sitting to try and physically get me on the stage. he laughed at the sight of my reddened face and refusal and they finished the show.

after the show, he came barreling up towards me in a fit of laughter exclaiming that one day he'll get me on stage. that rat bastard!

in retrospect i guess i should have gone up there and humored them, even though my voice was horse from speaking like an old black man with my bro-in-law. but i plan on going to more of their shows and hopefully i can get over this fucking stage fright. it actually looks pretty fun and it felt really good to get recognition...amplified recognition. it was good times...

Tired as I am my body feels like it's finally starting to heal. Completely missed friends who were up for the weekend too, I feel like an ass but right now it's just bed and rest for me - not drinks and clubbing. Will need to make amends soon!

I don't know what happened to last week, it was a blur from one Saturday to the next, head full of snot and flu. This afternoon I felt clear for the first time in 2 weeks, I hope this continues tomorrow, I've had enough of feeling like this.

Last weekend I got knocked out in the semi-finals of a local DJ compo. The competition wasn't doing to well, when its hard dance and the semi's take place in the afternoon, to a crowd of 12 who stay seated, politely nod and sip their drinks then you know things aren't too good right now. In truth I was getting tired of all that bang-bang crap, just want to go back to my beloved house music.

Got some exciting news, but I have to confirm a few things before I go making happy posts, I think I'm low on the "emo" posts, will have make a note to cry and write sad stuff sometime this week - lol

ginnight

Morning started off bad. Woke up from horrible nightmare. Feeling of dread and anxiety over took me as roused from slumber. Do not remember details, only I know is lost girlfriend in nightmare. Can never escape veil of depression. Yesterday was so nice but today not good. Only fleeting moment of happiness was at work today. Was working and their was a small child in stroller. Could not help but smile at young girl and she smiled back. Do not know why but made me very happy. Rarely smile at anything anymore. Crying thinking about it. Not sure why. Mind unwinding as of late, emotions in chaos. Suboxone dose reduced again. Almost 3 weeks sober. Future still uncertain. Might check into hospital soon. Afraid as of late. If is was'nt for girlfriend and remaining family, would probably take own life. Days are getting harder and harder to endure. Not sure about anything anymore. Praying for another fleeting moment of happiness to keep me from saying fuck it. Hoping for emotional rebound of sorts by tomorrow.

Fell asleep shortly after writing above paragraph. Feeling much better now but still not great. Emotions like day and night as of late. Very stressful on the mind and body. Message on phone from person I met at NA meeting. Nice guy. Debating if I should or shouldn't call back. Do not buy into the whole NA twelve step bullshit and God shit. Could always use another friend though.

Hopefully spending time with girlfriend tomorrow. Wore track jacket of mine she wore for hours few days ago. Smells of incense. Thought of her all day.

Today was good day. I don't know why but it was good and ended on very good note. Very strange considering way that I been feeling. Walked into town to get something to drink and then headed over to market to see girlfriend. However brief, enjoyed time we got to see each other. Walking outside market with arms around each other the clouds were a color of pink unlike any other that I have seen and bursted with an aura of serenity that was unreal. Then walking home afterward with crisp yet warm air... Crazy how such a simple short moment and sight can be so beautiful. Left me with feeling that I thought I lost forever years ago. So many beautiful things as of late and moments of joy that were once so fleeting amidst wake of chaos that has subsided over past year. Future still uncertain. Still not sure how life will turn out and how will end. Perhaps not by own hands as I always thought.

I don't know why I'm bothering to blog after what happened. All my life my journals and blogs have been used against me. As a kid I kept one on the computer and my brother went through it, printed and highlighted all my transgressions. The occasional swear word and my first REAL kiss. Of course it got deleted and all the evidence shredded.

Later I tried again. I wrote one entry just to get it out, and threw it away, maybe 14 at the time, my mother dug it out of the trash, read it and yelled at me for it.
Its little wonder how they never found all the entries that said how hopeless and suicidal I always was...

When myspace came around I blogged all the time. I wasn't on meds and soon my emotions changed on the hour so there might be several a day. My mother caught it on the screen one night and read it. She waiting until she was on vacation and I was home alone to tell me she read it and she was ashamed of how I lived my life. I believe that I was having sex was the issue. This led to a suicide attempt after that wonderful parenting text message.
I continued to blog and my bf was overseas. I would read them and often yell at me over my personal thoughts, causing some nasty fights.

I had thought that my bluelight blog would be safe since I don't know anyone who is on here IRL. Very few people even know the name BL. Here I could hold nothing back, the drugs, the thoughts, the problems and fears.
Oh how was I wrong when I learned that they were being published on another site for the amusement of others.
The anger, and trust me I was murderous has now faded to mistrust and sadness over what happened. I just don't understand how someone could be so cruel. Posts are one thing and I'd still be pissed but some one's blog?! Where they go away from the unkind and hurtful words to post their personal thoughts and fears. The things closest to their heart.
Hell I call it a "window into my mind and soul" and I kid you not.

Those of you that are reading are trusted not to hurt me with the information you read here. Please do not abuse this trust. If you feel that you might, please leave now.

Now for my actual entry now that I have gone over how often I've been screwed over by such things. I suppose I have no other trusted outlet where I can get some feed back. Now and then I post on myspace but I'm very careful about what I say and who reads it now.

I'm showing the classic signs of depression again. I dread this. It CAN'T be back. But it is, its only been a week or 2 tops but I'm not getting out of bed, I'm comfort eating, I'm having crying jags, I'm feeling suicidal, I'm not sleeping well. It seems that none of my meds are working anymore. I'm thinking perhaps I need to make an appt to go see the psych doc. Maybe I need a stronger dose. I would just do it my damn self since he said he was planning on going up in dose anyway but NO I can't do that. What a crock huh?

I'm wondering if I should say something to Sean about the meds not working. I did tell him it had been a rough week and so far he has responded with kindness. Maybe if he knows that I really feel like I have no handle on my emotions he will try to be understanding, but...its not an excuse to act like a psycho gf either.

I really can't wait to see him. I've tried to give him his space and not smother him and I have come to see so much value in just being near him. He says he doesn't understand why I feel the need to cuddle all the time (heard that one before in past relationships), well I think this might help. But also like he said, we aren't married, I WANT to be close to him. I just can't find a balence. I guess I just chalked it up to my ex being stoned all the time....

I missed him today and had things I wanted to tell him that I wrote him a letter. I know its mushy and stupid but I don't think its all that bad. Its thoughtful and personally I think its sad that the "love letter" has died out. I certainly would like to have something to be able to pull out when I'm having a hard time or my S.O. and I are having a hard time and be reminded that I'm cared for. Things like that I have always kept, be they e-mails or text messages. I doubt he will keep it but I think its a good way to get your thoughts and feelings out without interruption or distraction.

He has never written me a love letter but sent that text that meant so much... I recently found out that like a true Pisces he is gifted creatively. He draws and does great watercolor. He talked about maybe starting again, its been what...almost 1o years or something since he has done it, and doing a piece for me. I would like to encourage him to do something he enjoys. Other than video games and stuff. Something a little more well, productive I kinda think that if a person has a gift they should not waste it. It is shameful to deprive the world of what you have to offer.

Here is another night with no sleep, even though I'm working days. I'm 6:30 in the morning and I'm working at 9. I'm pretty much running on caffeine and Ambien these days. I REALLY should try to get into a regular cycle, but time spent with Sean kinda throws me off, plus being unemployed for so long that I haven't adjusted yet, nor really tried.
Plus going to school at night sucks. I'm no longer motivated AT ALL. I don't go even though I could be dropped from the class. I put off the reading so that I'm so far behind that I'm kinda screwed and give up any reading, go skimming lecture notes and headings. But I don't worry about it too much. As when I'm good at it and know what I'm talking about and Bs when I don't.
I'm just worried about not finding a job when I get done. The economy is in the shitter, psych majors are popular and how can I be a counselor when I have my own issues? Will they even take me if I'm medicated?
I don't think my psych issues hinder me other than sometimes I get too wrapped up in it all. I can relate to others in ways that others can't. I know the solutions and the WAY to talk to people and I love helping people, I feel like its kinda my purpose in life...but I can't seem to help myself.
But isn't that how it goes. You know what you SHOULD do but you don't know HOW TO GET THERE. Like Sean says, I need OnStar.

I guess that is all I really have to say. I don't think writing it out really helped me. I don't think it ever really does. Although so many people say you should do it. I learned NEVER to look back on the old entries though, just full of bad harmful memories let me tell ya.

But anyway, the main reason I wrote this is just the concern for my mental health right now. I feel in the past week I have backslid to almost where I started from. Its scary. I don't know if its that I missed a day or two of meds and I haven't adjusted or if I need my dose changed. I'm unsure WHAT to do. I know one thing though. I need to try to get xanax, although a lost cause. I complain about the anxiety and the dr just brushes it off. Kpins are like nothing now, they don't help or perhaps I feel like they don't because I don't get the wave of calmness I did with Xanax. Also the Ambien, that needs doubled, BAD or I just wake up every 10 min. I tripled it the other night and woke up with a panic attack, stupid me, looking for SOME buzz.

Hopefully I can have some Tramadol midweek. Sean won't LIKE it but he said it just depended on how much. I don't even know if he can't tell when I'm KINDA high, really high, my eyes bug out of my head or try to look at the back of my skull lol. My ex always knew, the come up gave it away. I just could not shut the fuck up for the life of me. Ahh how I love that stuff. I SHOULD stay away from it before I get myself all wrapped up in it again, BUT my skin is crawling and I lack constructive coping skills. I would rather be high than cut and scar myself forever. Just don't go to work high, EVER. Learned that one the hard way. Although I basically work alone now, a lil high I doubt they would notice. Although my boss might get a lil on my ass. He knows I use, we are friends, but he has a psych degree and could pick out high. lol

enough random talking for now. shit, now I have to find something else to do before I have to caffeine up for work. Lets pray Sean will see me today...I could really just use some comfort after the week I've had.