I finally finished my 1/4 gram bag of speed last night. It blows me away how damn easy it is to just be able to go so long without eating. I guess last time I ate was Tuesday morning. I could of had lunch at work, but was a bit too melancholy and wasn't really hungry. I've stayed to my schedule of 2 painkillers a day and the mild depression is a party compared to the tramadol bullshit. I did my 1/4 gram at home and was able to keep writing. I liked it, but it doesn't feel (wiriting) like it did before 2 years ago when I was in the throes of my meth addiction.
The poetry didn't flow. I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. I don't know if I've just forever lost my poetic gift to permanent writer's block then, or what. No matter. I probably won't be finding out any time soon, because the meth vacations I do plan, I'm looking at a much smaller scale like 1/4 gram with 2 days off work instead of a teenager with a week off work. Then there is John Doe. Talking to him after all these years is still a trip. He happened to come on line last night, got me while under the influence, but I was VERY careful and made sure I listened more than I talked.
It's much better that way. I was kinda half expecting ok maybe when he see's the pic of me from a week ago compared to how I used to look, that perhaps he will no longer be turned on. I flat out told him in the email I sent the pic with that part of the capacity of my physical beauty is gone for the weight. What I didn't say, but said in silence it's ok if I never hear from him again. Sure the rejection would sting, but it would also give me the perfect way to cop out. LOL. What's sadder than the fact that I hate how I look with the weight gain after I got clean is how afraid I am to face a potential lover again. He emailed me back, that's when I lost my internet.
Shit. I have to at least know what he said. So, I started looking for my cell phone to read the message off there. That's when I discovered I don't have the damn thing. Sigh. Great. I called myself from my land line, heard no ringing. Last place I remember using it with was with Don in my car Tues night to pick up my issue. I wondered why I'd been getting so much peace and quiet. I hope it's in the car. I'll be out to investigate shortly. I did manage to fix the computer or it fixed itself, not sure, but his email said "Hi sexy. You look as good as ever..."
Then he put in a recent one, more recent than 2003, said his hair was thinning. Hell he looks the same almost as when I last saw him, except thank God he gained some weight. Off meth, I've tended to be curvy, but having a few more fat cells on my hips and everywhere else than I cared for. Therefore it always made me self conscience as hell to see a man who, although tall, like John Doe, had hips narrower than mine. It secretly made me feel like a hippo. Whatever man I was with, I preferred he be taller, heavier and have bigger hips than I do.
So in the height of my meth haze, I was taller than average 5'7", but still petite. Anyway, obviously my recent picture didn't scare him off. My main problem is that whatever anyone else thinks or doesn't think, carrying the extra weight scares me off. You know what? I don't like it, and besides watching what I eat, I just want this mental torture to stop. Whatever I have right now in the present is what I've got and God help me it would be such a miracle if I could just fucking DEAL with it and move on. John Doe is using his lawyers and accountants to fight the company layoff that he is part owner of.
I don't think he will be coming here anytime soon. That's fine with me. I do like talking to him, but doing so is forcing me to deal with issues I never really knew I had and some that I did. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn from seeing him online again. Being able to accept myself absolutely and without reservations 100% every day in the present would be an act of healing. The same self love and acceptance people seem to have on X and in my case shrooms should be a given to everyone. Sadly that's not the case. I spent 2 years in NA trying to figure all this out on my own. I didn't quite get there. I got some answers, while others eluded me, then the X, John Doe, little bits of meth, and shitloads of writing later I'm beginning to find out some of the nature of my obstacles.
I made sure to finish the meth by 7am this morning, planning a full day of rest so I'll be in good shape to go to work tonight, in 2 hrs. That was a good vacation, but now I think I'm ready to hang it up for awhile, at least the rest of this month. Now I've got to go about the business of finding my phone and finish getting ready for work.
The poetry didn't flow. I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. I don't know if I've just forever lost my poetic gift to permanent writer's block then, or what. No matter. I probably won't be finding out any time soon, because the meth vacations I do plan, I'm looking at a much smaller scale like 1/4 gram with 2 days off work instead of a teenager with a week off work. Then there is John Doe. Talking to him after all these years is still a trip. He happened to come on line last night, got me while under the influence, but I was VERY careful and made sure I listened more than I talked.
It's much better that way. I was kinda half expecting ok maybe when he see's the pic of me from a week ago compared to how I used to look, that perhaps he will no longer be turned on. I flat out told him in the email I sent the pic with that part of the capacity of my physical beauty is gone for the weight. What I didn't say, but said in silence it's ok if I never hear from him again. Sure the rejection would sting, but it would also give me the perfect way to cop out. LOL. What's sadder than the fact that I hate how I look with the weight gain after I got clean is how afraid I am to face a potential lover again. He emailed me back, that's when I lost my internet.
Shit. I have to at least know what he said. So, I started looking for my cell phone to read the message off there. That's when I discovered I don't have the damn thing. Sigh. Great. I called myself from my land line, heard no ringing. Last place I remember using it with was with Don in my car Tues night to pick up my issue. I wondered why I'd been getting so much peace and quiet. I hope it's in the car. I'll be out to investigate shortly. I did manage to fix the computer or it fixed itself, not sure, but his email said "Hi sexy. You look as good as ever..."
Then he put in a recent one, more recent than 2003, said his hair was thinning. Hell he looks the same almost as when I last saw him, except thank God he gained some weight. Off meth, I've tended to be curvy, but having a few more fat cells on my hips and everywhere else than I cared for. Therefore it always made me self conscience as hell to see a man who, although tall, like John Doe, had hips narrower than mine. It secretly made me feel like a hippo. Whatever man I was with, I preferred he be taller, heavier and have bigger hips than I do.
So in the height of my meth haze, I was taller than average 5'7", but still petite. Anyway, obviously my recent picture didn't scare him off. My main problem is that whatever anyone else thinks or doesn't think, carrying the extra weight scares me off. You know what? I don't like it, and besides watching what I eat, I just want this mental torture to stop. Whatever I have right now in the present is what I've got and God help me it would be such a miracle if I could just fucking DEAL with it and move on. John Doe is using his lawyers and accountants to fight the company layoff that he is part owner of.
I don't think he will be coming here anytime soon. That's fine with me. I do like talking to him, but doing so is forcing me to deal with issues I never really knew I had and some that I did. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn from seeing him online again. Being able to accept myself absolutely and without reservations 100% every day in the present would be an act of healing. The same self love and acceptance people seem to have on X and in my case shrooms should be a given to everyone. Sadly that's not the case. I spent 2 years in NA trying to figure all this out on my own. I didn't quite get there. I got some answers, while others eluded me, then the X, John Doe, little bits of meth, and shitloads of writing later I'm beginning to find out some of the nature of my obstacles.
I made sure to finish the meth by 7am this morning, planning a full day of rest so I'll be in good shape to go to work tonight, in 2 hrs. That was a good vacation, but now I think I'm ready to hang it up for awhile, at least the rest of this month. Now I've got to go about the business of finding my phone and finish getting ready for work.
