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Thank you, hoptis!

Taking the idea for discussion from Mariposa's blog, I thought that I'd write a bit about change. Or rather, resistance to change.

One of the areas of study in behavioural psychology is how to create changes in behaviour. There are four broad options, each with many subsets. These are: positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, positive punishment and negative punishment. In this case, the positive and negative refer to either presenting a stimulus or removing a stimulus respectively. So negative reinforcement is removing an unpleasant stimulus as a reward, and positive punishment is delivering an unpleasant stimulus.

An interesting thing is found when performing behavioural experiments involving behaviour change. In the vast majority of cases, when trying to remove an unwanted behaviour there is a period during which the behaviour occurs more frequently and/or with greater intensity before decreasing steadily. This is called an extinction burst.

Most people have experience with this phenomenon; who hasn't seen a parent in a grocery store trying to get a child to stop a tantrum, only to have it become more intense? Or when training a dog to stop jumping up, for a while it will jump up more than it did before. It is something which requires a bit of patience to get past, but at the same time indicates that the means of removing the behaviour is likely going to be eventually effective.

It is my belief that this is occurring on a larger scale within human society, or at least 'Western' society. Since the Enlightenment and subsequent Renaissance, the influence of religion in life has somewhat decreased. However, the idea of atheism/agnosticism was still considered repellent until the late 19th century. Even since then, it was perhaps not until the late 1960s that it became acceptable (although perhaps still strange) to identify as non-religious. Today it is more acceptable than ever to be an atheist, and yet it seems that those who remain religious are louder and more aggressive than ever. There seem to be fewer moderate religious people, and more appear to be gravitating toward the extremes. I don't claim to be an expert on either psychology or sociology, but to me this appears to be a social extinction burst for the behaviour of superstition.

But then again, it is hard to tell since the time-frame is much longer for social behaviour changes as compared to the behaviour of a single organism. Time will tell, and I look forward to seeing how this change develops.

ITITS A NEW GQAME CALLED S

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how does the brain interact when introduced to '2pac - staring through my rearview??? (program that simulates, programmed with your music library HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHH
I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I WAS THIHKING 2 SECONDS AGO...SHIT...2 SECONDS BEFORE THAT???...2 SECONDS BEFORE THAT???, ETC. ETC., ET-FUCKING-CETERA (IS THAT EVEN HOW THAT IS SPELLED? WTF AM I TAKING ABOUT? STMRWRL???? i know it had someting to do with 2pac - staring through my rearvoew warpath remix legend??? not exactly 'shootin the salad, but i'm damn near close...my brain is firing a million tasks at once...i know this song by heart....but theres so many layers...so many things i hear seperately atm...
a million thoughts just attempted ...WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT? YES, THIS SONG IS AMAZING...AND...I CAN APPARENTLY MANAGE ONLY ONE TASK AT A TIME WHILE THE INFINITE..YEP...COMPLETELY LOST AGAIN..LOST WHAT? WTF WAS I THINIKING ABOUT?
I CAN BARELY READ THE SCREEN AS I'M TYPE THIS...LIKE I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO SQUINT REALY REALLY FUCKIN HARD...TO SEE WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANTED TO SEE SO BADLY...ABYSS...ESXTREME WTF WAS I JUST THINKING>>> I'MN TYPING THI WITH SOMETHINGS THAT NO LONGER HAVE A MEMORY FOR MY RAM SUCKS'NO IDEA WTF I WAS JUST THINKING IMMEDIATELY THAT SHIT WAS SENT TO THE 'VIEWED' BIN AND NEVER TO BE SEEN OR HEARD FROM THEM AGAIN? WHO ARE THEM? OR THEY? GOURMET SORBET FORTE HORSEPLAY SHORT-STAY COURT-DAY SNORT YAY SOURCE-DAY FOREPLAY ..

ONCE AGAIN I FIND MYSELF NOT HAVING ANY CLUE WTF I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT SECONDS AGO SHOR-TAYNOTHING COMES TO MIND, I'D RATHER JUST HOLD MY HEAD IN MY LAP AND FADE THE FUCKKKK OUT TO THIS OXTRAORDINARY MUSICAL EARGRASM SNEAR-AT-HIM-NEAR SATURN FATHOMS NO CLUE WTF I WAS JUST THINKING...
MONEY RULE THE WORLD, BITCHES MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND, REAL NIGGAS DO WHAT THEY WANNA DO BITCH NIGGAS DO WHAT THEY CAN WEIRD SPASM TEAR-GAS-AND BEER TAVERN HASN'T QUEER BASHIN TIME TO PUT ON RELAPSE IF I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO OR TO EVEN JUST REMEMBER WHAT??? WHAT? MEED TP AT ;EAST ATTE[,M[ ;OSTEOMG TP RE;A[SE AAOM WJAT?EK;KR;TJOS SJOT SEROPIS;YT

just snortted 1/4 of a suboxen how long do i have to wait until i bang heroin.

So, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I committed a crime, and then I was diagnosed with schitzophrenia - so, instead of putting me to jail, they put me into a psychiatric hospital. I'm being considered as a criminal patient. This "treatment" here is going to take years, and it's a bit hard to get adjusted to the thought of having to be here for years.

I was wondering if any of you people have experiences living in a hospital - how was it?

I'm currently taking 3 mg risperidone, 30 mg citalopram and 1 mg lorazepam for medical treatment.

Write me something fun. It's really boring here, but luckily I can use the library and go to the Internet.

I've started smoking cigars here, because it's just so bo-bo-boring...

As time goes on, memories once thought long buried resurface.

I think my brain has been able to process the shit of recent times and repair itself now that its had a break from drugs but now old old hang ups are around.

About my marriage, my life as a married woman at home in Perth where all her family and friends were. I had my close girlfriends right there, my mum, my home with 2 parrots and Nathan. Also his druggie friends. Also the constant struggle between responsibility and fun.

I cant think about those years without regret. So I try to not go there but my head is trying to get past it.

I cant make the same relationship pattern with my boyfriend now. But its what seems normal. It isnt.

I love him. And he makes me tingle when he smiles. I hope I am going to keep on track and not let my past kill my future.

My brain won't stop no matter what I do. I hate when this happens and am glad it doesn't happen *too* much anymore.

I just get so caught up in thoughts that I can't get to stop and then one thought becomes another and it all snowballs.

I keep trying to stay strong, but I'm so incredibly weak it disgusts me. I never thought it would get this bad. I feel somewhat at fault for isolating myself from the world, but that's also kind of what I wanted.

I just wish I had one close friend or family member who wouldn't let me down and wouldn't judge me. I have been far from perfect and have made mistakes, but I'm human and that's what humans do.

I just want to be able to be proud of being me and be able to show people the real me without being scared of what they'll think.

I want to go to sleep.

i love how stick figures can convey so much, i xkcd

I started typing this up as a thread, but realized quickly that this may be too much of a ramble. I got nostalgic when Journals came back up for reading. Mine was funny, honest, happy, sad, all of the emotions I feel - and sometimes all these things at once.

In this spirit, today I will write about change.

Change is a powerful word with several different meanings. I don't remember a time in my life when things stayed constant beyond age 5. Perhaps this is a built-in design flaw for if we remembered the security of our earliest years, surely we could never adapt?

Change won a man who was basically an unknown junior politician the presidency of the U.S. last November.

Change is the heart and soul of the Serenity Prayer for the 12-Step Contingency.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I find this to be a passive and incomplete acknowledgment of human capacity; also it is a "chicken v. egg" question that I know I will never answer. Which comes first - the serenity, or the courage?

Is serenity defined by complacency - what defines what circumstances we should actively NOT work to change but instead passively accept? That sounds like a one-way ticket into learned helplessness and ineffectiveness as a person.

Is courage defined by direct action? Sometimes actions can be too hasty when emotions run high. That's a one way ticket into making poor decisions and yes, also, ineffectiveness as a person.

So how do we know which one applies, when? Is it possible to leave unintended consequences behind in advance?

And what do we do when we realize that "change" might not have been what we needed given a particular set of circumstances? Or when we don't like the result of "change"?

We go into existential crisis mode and write long-winded journal entries contemplating overbroad topics that we may not in our lifetimes comprehend.

To make this journal entry more interactive and meaningful: please leave me your thoughts on the concept of change and, if you like, a personal anecdote on what "change" means to you. There are no right or wrong answers. Let's liven this place up a bit.

Still not gotten drunk or drank any alcohol, for that matter. This is now the longest break ever. I think I feel better. I'm definitely eating at least three times as much food a day as I was a month ago.

Plus my fitness has improved through exercising at least five days a week lately and that's not something I had any success at sticking at even for the miserable amount of time I have done recently.

But I'm still helpless without a few grams of skunk every day. Helpless without and strung out and edgy with I quit the stuff a few days after I quit booze but soon realised that I needed to kill the booze first.

Weed taper starts afresh on Monday

The more he smoked the less he ventured outside. Strange shrill strings of paranioa stirred his senses beyond meaning.
Friendly voices whispered unspeakable horror. For two days he is in a haze of loathing and mistrust. Then a friendly hand sets him free.

In other news, my car dropped a cog again. I drove it from London to Guardia in Italy via the Swiss Alps and back again recently and it seems to be just constantly breaking down since then.

It got a gearbox last week, now I need a new block I'm considering doing it myself, but nervous of fucking the headwork up.

He wished he could unfuck all the words as they floated to the page. Why should it be that each time he engaged a seemingly abstract task
it had to become all about he?

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=434195

Like water off a duck's back.

Today is Tuesday, May 11th, 2009 and it is now 3:36 AM here in the Philippines.

YES, I AM aware that the proper way in which to spell "ketchup" is actually "catsup" but assuming that most readers will be Americans, the latter spelling will not make much sense to these readers...

Music wise I am listening to "The Storm" by Jerry Roper and Cosi, a beautiful Vocal Trance song that I never get tired of. I will try to find a decent url later.

Also been listening to Johnny Cash "Hurt" which I listed awhile back and offered a url. He remade the NIN song much better than the original, with the entire album actually being produced by Arthur Baker which guaranteed a great listening experience.

Sadly I got the all important 90 Day Viral Load Test results in relation to my Hepatitis - C treatment. I began with a Viral Load of roughly 110,000. At 30 days I had a load of 10,000! i was so excited!!! I believed that it was indeed possible that I actually might find myself rid of this horrible disease...

Then came my crucial 90 Day Test. If I tested at 0 to 1,000 I would be considered cured for all intensive purposes because the continuing regimen would be sufficient to push it out of my body altogether. Imagine then how I felt when Thursday I actually got a phone call here! My provider told me that my Load had rebounded and then stood at 72,000!!! This despite my chemotherapy!!! Imagine the replication WITHOUT the medications!?

Stress can ruin your chances and as I have related over the last few entries, Rizza and I have been having a rough time of it. I would not be so ignorant as to blame her or any person really for the failure, but I am well aware (aside from what the medical community and especially my providers) of how stress can adversely impact the treatment...

I was taking 1800 units of Pegylated Interferon -B for 3 months, along with 600 mgs of Ribivarin 2 X a day, 7 dats a week. My primary provider, the one that called me said that they expect a triple attack regimen to be approved rather soon and if I elected to i could once again fight the good fight. I have time to decide that issue.

I actually cried after I was alone, thinking how fucked up it is to (probablly) be dying before age 50 when I had avoided all other pitfalls, such as war, major illnesses and a quarter century of opiate/opioid addiction...

I will not be posting "Blood and Gore" entries any more since I think it is rather pointless since pratically noone here ever even considers travelling to Mindanao (D'tergent excepted though, haha) so why put forth all the effort? I am considering starting an offsite blog though, which I will devote at least partially to life in my part of the world and in that venue I will be able to record the ups and downs of this clusterfuck of a war, revolution and outright crime.

I will briefly talk of the issues in general terms. Sadly the NPA (communist guerillas) are ratcheting up their actions in our area. It had been so quiet, almost what one might imagine "normal" to be, until almost 2 weeks ago. A village on the ends of one of our fields was attacked and they killed 3 soldiers, and emptied out the govt. armoury.

Then, they found a 200 man camp 3 kilometers east of us, and less than 2 to out west. In both the camos were empty if personnel (I cannot talk about how this always happens, at least as far as the reasons because "Salvaging," or pro-govt. assasins will take issue. Gee, if my liver does not kill me my mouth will!

To the west, in the Ilaga/Muslim Wars, the govt. pulled an operation like the one they pulled on our area though this time it targetted the MILF (Muslim insurgency) instead of the NPA as was the case in our case.

for more than 2 weeks now not even the UN or NGOS bringing AID are being allowed past the perimster. They are running daily 105 MM Howitzer shelling form 6 AM until 12 PM, and then alternate Infantry Ops with aerial carpet bombings runs, etc and so forth.

It is in Maguindanao and has since spilled over into Cotabato and involves more than 4 infantry Brigades with combined air, armour and artillery elements.

A noteworthy event took place in the Visayan Islands, the group that holds Cebu; Apparently the NPA has began increasing attacks in the Visays, something it really has not done for more than a decade. According to the NPA, and I have to be careful with how I say it, a US Marine was seriously wounded in action against the NPA, which IF true, is adirect violation of the Philippine Constitution. SUPPOSEDLY there is an entire American platoon enmeshed with AFP Reaction Force operating there but again, this is according to the NPA...

Crime wise, the PDEA (the Philippine version of the US DEA) had 3 of its personnel killed as they sout out to eradicate some cannabis plantations in ARMM, the Muslim region of this island. As they left their departure point and began rolling down National Hiway motorcycles with gunmen ridiing behind the operators engaged the ,em.

The PDEA must notify communities before undertaking any Operation here because of the unique dynamic regarding security, insurrections and so on. Unfortunately for them though, that this means they have 0 effectiveness. Oh well...

I have been reading about General Black Jack Pershing who handled pacification of this island just after the US accepted the Spanish surrender of the Philippines in the Bay of Manila, in 1901 (I believe).

To deal with the Muslim Suicide Terrorists (and we thought it began with "Palestinians" did we?) he had a group of them lined up for their execution but then executed all but 2. They were made to watch closely as they rubbed pig entrails all over the men before and after their death. This renders them incapable to enter Paradise. After their deaths, he buried them chopped up and mixed with butchered hogs...He then released the 2 men and ever after, many claim, Pershing did not have to deal with Muslim terrorists. Smart man.

In Israel we use dogs! Arabs (not so much Muslims though many share the attribute) are made to lick them, and many other things that are better left undiscussed. Funny though, we never had Pershing's luck! Then again Pershing's tale is probablly anecdotal.

I will close on that...Over and out...

Stepping through lessons trying to learn Pachabel's "Canon"

The only reason i'm going to bed is that I'm battling to focus.

I got good value on the keyboard, plus access to local forums with lessons and midi files and software to download.

I think this was a good investment!

Oh yeah! See I told you. Sean moved his bedroom around so now its almost a mirror image of mine at home. Plus we solved our problem of him playing video games by getting wireless Internet so I would have something to do while he was doing that. It was a big fight but we made up and then he had such a wonderful idea for fixing it. I love him.
So now I REALLY feel at home there. I can SO see us living together and I KNOW without a doubt he has given it a thought. I might want to graduate from college (Next year) and find a job in the psych field. (Does anyone know what the job market is looking like? Is it flooded ATM? What kind of jobs are available? What do you think it will be at the end of 2010? Thanks) But you never know.
If you have kept track of our relationship and that spend 3 or 4 days constantly together at a time and are giving thought to moving in together at some point. Plus he is really trying to improve his situation. He has a big hole to dig himself out of. I REALLY believe I'm part of that. He wants to drive so I don't have to anymore and get his own place. I think the fact that I'm positive and supportive helps SO much, he doesn't really get jackshit in that department from his family. He has also been motivated to keep his room clean, (I'm a pretty neat person and he knows that I like a clean enviornment. It helps me to stress less. Plus I don't have to clean cause then he can't find shit) and he talks a bit more and is more active with his family. He has always avoided them and kept to himself. But at my house we have sit down meals together and the like. He hated it at first but he is better about it because he knows its important to me. Plus his parents really enjoy him acting like part of the family.

I really do spend a lot of time thinking about him. I don't know if I've covered this but he still hasn't told me he loves me. I've been saying it for a long time. Well because I love easy, I just grow to love the person more and more with each passing day. The closest he has gotten to it is comforting me by saying he would never ever replace me, (I was getting paranoid) because he "has grown very fond of me". I'm ok with it. We have moved very fast in our relationship, which personally I think is ok if you are both still comfortable, but it only has been 4 months. I think he was VERY hurt, even cheated on by a girl that he told he loved so he keeps me at a distance. At least that's a guess, he WON'T talk about past relationships...is that a bad thing at all? He says that he is hesitant to let me in because I can make him second guess with my behavior. I know I can, hopefully I can change that stuff, but I can't blame him.

I had been pretty worried about our relationship, even thinking that maybe we should breakup. We had kinda lost that spark and he wasn't talking to me at all or being affectionate (our sex life is still way down. I know that's a lil normal but what can I do to get "in the mood" when I'm not? I'm watching a movie sometimes (I HATE to not see the end of a movie!) when he is int he mood and that doesn't help....). But its gotten better since I started watching what I say when I'm high so I'm not a complete and total bitch. Also initiating the affection by hugging him or asking for a kiss works. It is SO nice to get a hug from him! I tried to explain it to him but he didn't get it. The way he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight makes me feel SO loved. (So does everyone have this? Is it real real real love? )

Perhaps THAT is it. oh god its 5:30 in the morning, I haven't slept yet (BL and I wanted to enjoy my high) and I have to be up at 8am. FUCK. I WILL need Tramadol to make it through work. Damn it! only 2 days on it and 2 days on the stuff with codeine and I'll have to bump up to 400mg. I will have those eaten in no time and I really shouldn't smuggle more (have to go to great lengths to make sure the parents don't intercept it. Damn I need my own place!) in since I had to put 2 new tires on my car.

I had one explode when Sean was filling it up for me. He takes care of me. Cars aren't my thing AT ALL. I'm not TOTALLY useless but I don't really know a whole lot at all. He exchanged the tires without a single complaint (Likely he knew I can't) . It really stressed me out and I don't know what I would have done without him.
I have such a WONDERFUL boyfriend! I really hope that I can see him this weekend (I love just sleeping in the same bed as him even if he rolls around and keeps me up; Ambien ) and we have a great weekend. Any ideas of some things that we can do that aren't $$, that can be memorable and give us back that wonderful spark again?

Thanks for reading guys. I my BLers.

It seems that I spend more time THINKING about writing a blog than actually doing it. I had been thinking about it for oh a week or even more now. But a lot of it had been resolved now anyway. Perhaps thinking about it is a good way for me to work through it in my head.

But the present topic isn't something I feel that can resolve right now or get anywhere milling it over in my head. I will just end up hating myself more.

I am the most worthless piece of shit ever fucking made.
Yes this is how I talk to myself. I can't remember when I didn't. I've been told that you can overcome automatic thoughts like that but I've had no luck. Likely Sean wouldn't like it if he knew. He had covered the mirror in this room with a blanket so I would quit saying negative things about myself. He often makes me feel better about myself though.

My current situation, well I've been informed that I'm really rather a self-absorbed, attention whore that needs to annoy and frustrate people because I have to be the center of attention until they end up disliking me.

I thought that since I had done SO SO much work on trying to make myself better that I had changed, especially with my BL conduct. Apparently I'm fucking hopeless. I kinda feel like cutting after a month and a half of not doing it to punish myself for being like that. But I'm high so I doubt I will.

I guess people don't really understand but also perhaps that's a cop out on my part. I wouldn't even say self-absorbed is the right term. IF I have to use one I might say, self-concerned. I really just don't feel very good about myself and sometimes, at least tonight, that people don't like me, even perhaps pretend they do. I would HATE for people to be secretly thinking, "She is such a ...." "God, I fucking hate her!"
That REALLY hurts me. For SOME stupid reason I feel the need for everyone to like me. Its like, if they don't, there is something wrong with me and if I can I need to change it. Even though I know its not possible for EVERYONE to like me.
The people involved in this are welcome to comment.....good or bad.

I REALLY try to be a good, honest, sympathetic, understanding, kinda person that people would like and believe those are the things that are going to make me a good counselor. Plus my "purpose in life" to help other people not suffer like I did." But now I feel like a total waste of a person. It doesn't matter how much I try I'm never going to be good enough. Shit, I'm NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER ever good enough. Story of my motherfucking life. Kinda makes me think I certainly don't even deserve Sean or to be happy. Fucking worthless.

I try to be a productive part of BL, not just your usual drug induced jabber. Not to say that MOST people do that or anything. But I want to contribute worth while but maybe I don't. Maybe I should keep to myself more rather than making a total ass out of myself.
I don't share a lot of my personal thoughts, feelings and life issues on BL anymore. Since the things that had happened and the whole Redlight thing I pretty much have lost all trust in BL as well as non-drugs related feedback. I am well aware that it may be just the fact that they are very blunt sometimes or are telling me things that I'm not ready to hear. I'm extremely sensitive (such a horrible fucking curse, I wish I could just harden up but I don't even know where to fucking start) so I have to protect myself from undo harmful emotional pain, especially when its just on the Internet.


This is pretty much the only place that I can be very open and talk about my drug use. I've been high, every single day since Monday when I picked up my scripts. It seems once I start I will look for ANY excuse to use it. " I have a more muscle, must have lifted something at work." I have a crick in my neck, that's going to be rough later." "I'm bored." "I have to work early today and Tramadol helps me get more done." I know that I'll be high tomorrow. I've pretty much given up trying not to. I don't know if I can't not do it if I have it with me. I had tried to save the barbs and codeine just for pain, but then I didn't bring the Tramadol so I decided to pop the other because my arm hurt a little. I redose because I NEVER want to come down. Comedowns kinda suck anyway. I get all tired.

I really haven't told Sean about the amount of use. Now, its not like I'm lying about it. I would never do that. But when he asked me when I was talking about the drugs, "Did you take Tramadol?" "No." But I didn't tell him that I took the barbs and codeine. He thinks he can ALWAYS tell when I'm high. I don't know that he can though. I've been trying to keep my behavior in check. He can tell sometimes because on Tramadol, I usually won't shut the fuck up and ask a lot of what he considers stupid questions (I think they are random but not really stupid, he just doesn't care.). On the Fioricet with barbs, codeine and caffeine, the caffeine kicks in and I can't sit still for the life of me. I may talk a lot too. I know I do shit really fast. I broke some of my favorite stuff today because I tried to move stuff when I was high on it. Also, the barbs suppresses the CNS so much that I will stumble around like I'm drunk. Which sucks. My mom has a shit fit because she assumes that and her dad is an alcoholic. I noticed it when I was driving home from school. I had trouble staying off the lines sometimes. I prayed I wouldn't get pulled over, although I had the pills with me so I likely could get out of it since they are scripted.
With both of them lately I get really fucking irritable. I get irritated SO easy. I mean if someone just coughs when I'm trying to listen to something I wanna smack them. Plus really bitchy. I try to watch what I say so that I don't piss Sean off by being a bitch. I did ok the other day, only pissed him off once because I was being "whiny".

I'm starting to worry about my use though. I go through the pills like skittles. I go through my months supply in a couple weeks and then I'm fucked. When I'm suffering from the unbearable pain I have NOTHING!! Last time when I was out, I hurt SO fucking bad that I was crying and asked my mom to take me to the ER, which she said no because she has no idea how much it hurts!
I have severe headaches that feel that someone pistol whipped me. Pain in my temples, sinuses, and at the base of my skull (the last one is the worst!). And there is nothing I can really do to help and Sean gets so frustrated cause I keep complaining with nothing he can do to help. They have done an MRI to see if there is blockage or something but all it showed was ANOTHER sinus infection, but of course that cleared up. the best product I have found is Simply Saline, saline solution to fill you sinuses contained at high pressure. But I'm pretty sure this amount of suffering isn't normal so if you have any ideas please let me know.
ANYWAY, I go through my pills so fast, high everyday and never high enough. Would even wondering if maybe just WONDERING if I'm starting to develop a problem is a sign that there might be. Gonna be high again in 3 hours. Kinda need it since I stayed up to catch up on BL. JEEZ This place has been busy as hell. Any ideas why there is suddenly so much traffic?

I can't believe that my blogs end up being so damn long when I don't mean to. Even when I don't think I hardly have anything to talk about. I post here so I can get stuff related to BL, my relationship and drugs out. But I make it public rather than private in the hopes that I can get some constructive feedback (Thanks Spork for being so good about that.) but perhaps there I go again wanting my life to be all important, me the center of the universe, attention whore.

I kinda made a list of all the stupid choices I've made in my life. WOW, there is a lot of stupid fucking shit! I can't believe I was so dumb and I'm sure there will be more. I guess really looking at it, I turned out better than I could have. With having depression and BPD its nice to think that I could have been more fucked up than I already am...
Well I can't find it. I'll have to post it when it shows up under "New posts", unless someone wants to give me the link. I couldn't choose so I had a whole list. Quite a bit relate to some dark, rough times. Suicide attempts, abuse and rape....I didn't know it was rape at the time but now that I'm older I have learned that if I couldn't give n consent it was rape. Although most people don't apply that to drunk sex, but I was 16 YEARS OLD! Guys twice my age and sober. They should burn in hell! Ok, breathe. What do you guys think? Thats rape in your mind right?

Well I THINK that is about it....I'll likely think of something else. The question is will I be motivated to write it, then again why bother if I'm just milling and no one read it. -I am NOT the most important person on BL- shit well that's for damn fucking sure. Yeah I know I'm negative as fuck but I kinda hate myself more than I had been. (I was getting a little better with Sean being positive, encouraging and telling me nice things. What a wonderful BF.)

Drugs I've Had only once...

Clonazepam ate them before a Pangea open mic
Hydromorphone 4mg Dilaudid, shot, powerful depressant
Crack/cocaine smoked two hits
DXM took a low threshold dose, was afraid to delve into more without a proper trip sitter

i'm obsessed with perspective recently. about drawing things that have depth, and lines and vectors that lead towards (and away) from me, the artist.

i'll post some sketches tomorrow

The film is entitled: "Fail Phone."

Here is a shot of the subject of my film, and no it is not a Blackjack I or II you idiots so I hate you in advance for assuming so:




The video quality of this film is not bad for artistic reasons, it is because I shot it on another phone made of faggotry: the LG Incite. More on this steaming piece of shit later, in another post, to illustrate it's utter faggotry in another outstanding documentary film.

JUST ANNOUNCED...Rolling will be back in L.A. on SAT 5/23 at 8pm at Cinespace in Hollywood.

After the movie there will be a DJ performance by KAZELL who is featured in the film and the music supervisor.

This is a fantastic location with a relaxed lounge type atmosphere and you can order drinks and food while watching the movie.

Tickets are available NOW:
Call 323 817 3456 to make a reservation.

This is a SPECIAL EVENT and SPACE IS LIMITED!!!

Be sure to call asap before this event sells out!

The overall capacity is around 500 - but the Cinema will only hold 180 w/ appropriate seating. More people can fit, but won't be guaranteed great seating. Others (as many as 60) can watch the film in the patio, which has two screens.

At 11PM they charge a cover but you will not have to pay if you attend the movie.

*******SPACE IS LIMITED**********

6356 Hollywood Blvd., 2nd Level
Hollywood, CA 90028

TICKETS - Call 323 817 3456 to make a reservation.

About Cinespace:
Hollywood’s premier nightclub, restaurant, lounge, event venue and movie theater, is the brainchild of two MTV staffers who wanted to create a down-to-earth space in LA where everyone felt welcome and there was a mix of all the things they loved in one place- music, art, dancing, film and great food! David Dickerson came up with the design, a cross between the Brew-n-Views back East and the atheistic from the classic film, Blade Runner, and along with co-owners, Errol and Kimberly Roussel, he set out to create not just a great visual space but one that offered the best sound system in Southern California.

Today, cinespace continues to support artists, filmmakers and new music. The event staff offers a unprecedented variety of services, and the venue has become a favorite location for movie, TV, music video and commercial shoots.

ROLLING will be having it's San Diego Premiere at the Landmark Hillcrest Cinemas for a MIDNIGHT screening on May 16.

ONLINE TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW:
https://tickets.landmarktheatres.com/Landmark.aspx?TheatreID=219

Go to http://rollingmovie.com for more info and to check out the TRAILER, REVIEWS, DOWNLOADS and MERCHANDISE!!


*******SPACE IS LIMITED**********

--BE SURE TO BUY YOUR TICKET EARLY TO GET A SEAT--

3965 5th Avenue
San Diego, CA 92103
(619) 819-0236

Facebook: http://facebook.rollingmovie.com
Myspace: http://myspace.com/rollingmovie

ROLLING SYNOPSIS:
It's all about the night at an underground warehouse party in Los Angeles. A diverse circle - including a teacher, a drug dealer, a lawyer and a high school senior - search the city from Downtown to the Hollywood Hills looking for their next thrill. This entertaining roller-coaster like experience captures "the giddy highs and crushing
lows" (New York Times) of the Ecstasy culture, while exposing the delicate balance of its users' relationships and responsibilities as they chase this existential euphoria!

Tomorrow morning will be my third day at my new job,and I will be fired before it even begins. I woke up two hours after I was supposed to be at work today, and my place has a zero tolerance policy for everything. So I panicked. I ran around the apartment screaming "fuck" and knocking stuff over, then I picked up the phone. My choice of lie was not very good: I told them that I was involved in a car accident where my car was totaled and that my phone flew out of the window on a busy street. I said that the police took almost an hour to show up. It gets worse: to back up my lie, I smashed a very nice phone worth probably $400 and tore it in half. Even my microSD was destroyed, which I did not intend to happen. Also, for realism, I whipped my self with a belt really hard for a really long time all over my chest wear my seatbelt would have hit me in the event of an accident. It hurt.

SO I think I have all of my bases covered. I show the boss my phone, thinking "look at how smart I am." And everything is good. It was not until the end of the day that I realized he knew I was lying, when he said "oh, Sean, come here for a second. Could you bring me the police and insurance reports so that I can mark it in my database as an excused absence?" Even then I bluffed by saying, "I live really close - how long are you going to be here?" He said,"Just 15 minutes." And I responded with, "Well, I'll give them to you tomorrow then."

So then I schemed and schemed. How to do this without doing anything illegal. I consulted with adults, people who have been around the block a few times in the corporate world. I have decided afterf consulting with many people that I will walk into his office tomorrow and tell him that I lied to him about the accident, and that the reason I was late is that I overslept. Then I will sit and await judgment, because I hate lying and it would bother the shit out of me not to tell this guy.