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I go out to the kitchen to make myself another drink. I'm out of everything else and I'm hurting. She gives me shit about how I shouldn't be drinking alone in my room. I say 1. Its memorial. and 2. Just because you have family problems it doesn't make them mine (her dad is an alcoholic) She responds that they should be my problems. Well I told her, its not like I'm drunk. "But you shouldn't drink alone, not in my house you won't." Well its not like I have any friends to hang out and drink with and I'm not going to pay $3 a drink at a damn bar and its Memorial Day at 8pm.

God I just want to kill myself. Someone send me enough barbs to make it painless. If it goes down the drain with sean I swear I will fucking do it. I can't live without love...see DS rant. I hate myself and I just want to die....
I'm so tired of all of this. I hate being an addict. I'm grateful for what keeps me going off the deep end, but, at the same time, there are times when I want to remove those chains. It wouldn't make my life any better, it would make it worse.

Why did I decide to be a teen mom?! I love my husband, my life with him. But I also wish I could have experienced so much more. I wish I could have been a college student, living on campus, partying and cramming for mid-terms. But life didn't deal me those cards.

Its so much harder having to deal with all of this with no help. My husband is 1,000 miles away, in the fucking sandbox where we have to fear for his life daily. I only thank god that he doesn't know what I've been battling.

2 more weeks, I'll be with family. Smoke a joint or two, and hopefully calm the fuck down. I'm out of xanax, and, let me tell you, life sucks worse without it.

I'm not sure what I was trying to say with this. I guess I'm just going to take another temazepam, drink another beer, then fall asleep... at least when I'm sleeping life doesn't seem to suck quite so bad. Because it sucks right now like you couldn't believe.

~October
It feels like Sean has just been avoiding me well for a long time. I know part of it was being all BPD because I quit taking my meds but I am now.

First he is sick for 3 days.
Then I can't because I need the extra hour of sleep for work and I never want to go home.
Today, I don't even have my evening classes, but he has to do homework for SEIDA.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? NO WAY that could take all day.

I said it felt like he was avoiding me...
what did I get text back?
"Fuck you"

I said it FELT like.

I don't know what to do!! I'm hurt, sad, depressed, lonely and there isn't ONE fucking drug in this WHOLE DAMN HOUSE to make feel a little better! So all I have is to cut and I WILL NOT do that. I don't know if I can even stop once I start seeing the blood running down my wrist.
So all I can do is sit here and cry...
and wait to see if he feels like texting me again or not.

This feels like repeating my last relationship, feeling single and sleeping alone a lot, but not being so. Being told things like that when you say the wrong thing (Sean doesn't do it often at all). And the pulling away...Michael pulled away more and more until he just said he didn't want me anymore...perhaps thats what I fear so much.

God, I'm glad no one can see mr cry...I have more over this this week than I have over him. (Other than fights and crap.)
GOD DAMN IT!
1. i used to carry around a scrabble board and scrabble dictionary in my car. lexulous has now somewhat replaced my urge to play in person, along with the fact that i have no car.

2. playing word games has given me a large vocabulary. when i write papers for school, i like to include bizarre words to see if professors notice.

3. i am an incredibly picky eater but i am willing to bet i have tried more random foods than most people. i try most anything a few times before declaring that i don't like it.

4. i prefer salty over sweet. in fact, i have been known to eat pretzel salt instead of the actual pretzel. and i like my dark chocolate with salt crystals in it.

5. i like to procrastinate. its rare that i do assignments in advance. yet i still get really good grades.

6. i hate talking on the phone and calling people. i used to hate calling businesses too, but i can do that now. i still won't call people i don't know well even if it causes great inconvenience to me.

7. i am really shy around people i don't know. i have a bad habit of talking thru other people; i will say something to person A with hopes that person B will hear and enter the conversation.

8. the only tv i watch regularly includess jeopardy, good eats, top chef, iron chef and football.

9. i am a huge steelers fan thanks to james. several years of making me watch football has paid off.

10. i am insanely brand loyal when it comes to food. i would rather not eat than consume something from a brand i don't like. i guess this goes back to me being picky.

11. i refused to watch ghostbusters growing up because the secretary has the same name as me. i still have not seen any of the movies in the entirety.

12. i love the smell of new plastic toys.

13. i love to travel. i wish i had a job where i made enough money and enough flexibility to travel when ever i want to.

14. i am a beer snob who drinks coors light. i would go broke rather quickly if i kept drinking microbrews that i like. the dogfish head 120 is $9.50 a bottle :\

15. i am stubborn. if it comes down to doing what i want, or what someone else wants, i don't understand why i should be the one to concede. i also don't understand the idea of not playing games to win.

16. i declared i was moving cross country because i was bored in ohio. i moved here with no job and no plan, but everything seems to be working out fine. i have a job, a place to live with my two best friends, am in grad school and making new friends :)

17. i don't wear my engagement ring to work because i hate getting it all dirty. and because over thanksgiving the diamond fell out and i had to have it reset.

18. i can't sleep if i don't have pajamas on. and i prefer to have my eye pillow and teddy bear and pillow and blanket too. and there needs to be some sort of ambient noise in the background.

19. the first car i drove was filled with little furbies from mcdonalds. someone kept leaving them on my hood every morning junior year. i still don't know where they came from.

20. i prefer the aisle seats on flights so i can get off the plane faster.

21. i hate crowds of people that just stand around and have no purpose. i dislike waiting in lines and most other things associated with large masses of people.

22. while i may bitch about my job, i do love what i do. spending all day playing with little kids beats an office job any day. even if the bureaucraticness annoys me.

23. i swear, a lot. its pretty amazing that i have typed this much with out saying fuck.

24. people say i have some sort of accent and lots of people assume i am foreign when they meet me. other than sounding like i am from the midwest, i don't think i talk funny.

25. football manager doesn't amuse me
Fully Aware & Amazingly Conscious

I've hit a bit of a spot
where I stagger about .. a fat ass walrus with too long of tusks.

I've concluded, making anyone happy-- is hardly my calling. Beyond personal of course.

I am a catalyst, in the damned crucible we stand in.

Forever will be loathed, marked with some hellish tar-- but with great intentions and warm heart.

I stand with wide open hands and receive the angry response. I choose not to edit, omit or revoke.

I do my best, I say what inspires, I refuse to bring myself lower -- as all I have are my words that bring meaning. If I invoke some feeling to someone, no matter what, then my job was well done.
there's so much inside that im not able to let out. im miserable. in the midst of old memories manifesting into the present and holding steel cold criticism with a laughing face. id cling to anything at this point just to feel grounded. id probably take up being a jehovah's witness if they came knocking at the door at this ungodly hour. id stare at the pamphlet while the watch tower mirrored my mixed emotions then fall blindly into another failing option, wondering what happened. it's all in my head, im sure, but what good does that saying really do? just points out the obvious. where else would my scattered thoughts of guilt mixed with self loathing be? not in this doritos bag...that's full of deliciousness.

as much as i think im ok, im not ok. when i stop for just a second, when im at my most relaxed...i fuck things all kinds of up. i dont know how i do it but by some kind of psycho shit magic i manage to lower my position in whatever im in. it's not like i have anyone to blame either, it's all here in me waiting to pop up and say, "haha fucker youre goin down!"
and im like, "noooo"
but it happens anyway and i end up looking as well as feeling like an over grown ass/bastard/failure.

life is hard, this is bullshit, i have no idea what im doing. no more now, k?



The poll is over. The State of California decided to give Kristen a Glock-19. Or at least the guy who sold it too me did, as I slumped over the counter, wearing a perfectly pre-meditated pink shirt that puts my tits on display and tiny skirt that I picked out for the occasion. My eyes pure glossy and unnaturally blue from the colored contacts which help hide my lack of pupils at the moment.

Kristen: I passed the background check??

Guy: Yeah (grin) why do you look so surprised?

Kristen: oh (think fast)..no I'm not surprised about that. I'm surprised how fast you were able to type all that info in. It looked very hard. Very impressive (seductive smile).

Guy: Thanks (grin)

I hired more help this week and was able to plow through a mountain of work. I'm back on track in relatively in control, and in 10 days, armed.

Kristen is going to a party tonight.

original post:
KristenInControl.blogspot.com


My housekeeper just left and not more than a minute later I manage to propel Soma's cat food through the air along with her water. Over tired and undernourished I went to glance out the window at the tamale dealer who loudly started expelling his tamale laced propaganda to anyone within a 2 mile radius. I don't speak a word of Spanish but I've lived here long enough to know what hes saying. Fuck off, I think to myself as cat food particles smash against the back wall of my dining room. It occurs to me that Soma eats better and more frequently than I do. An ex-girlfriend got me in the habit of buying the most goddamn fru-fru cat food available. Allergen and gluten free and certified organic. I actually don't mind though. She is in perfect health and seems content to lay on the ledge by the window, sleep, and occasionally, she will try to assassinate my other cat.

I've been living of Starbucks for the last week. But I don't really care. I never really care about food. If you were to ever go to a restaurant with me it would be the most annoying 10 minutes of your life as I scanned and re-scanned the menu looking for anything that appealed to me and making fun of the other food as I did so. What makes it worse is that I'm a vegetarian, so my choices are already limited. Because of this, its very easy for me to get in the habit of eating nothing but instant oatmeal for a month straight, or living off Starbucks coffee and there selection of 'health' bars for weeks. I probably save a lot of money on groceries but I'm not exactly sure because it seems I'm always recharging my Starbucks card. So much so that one of the baristas actually pulled me to the side of the counter one day and told me I NEEDED to get the Starbucks platinum card, saying I spent enough to make it worth it. I normally would have shrugged this off with my usual expression of deliberation mixed with complete apathy, but it was his deadly serious nature and the WAY he said I needed it. His eyes wide with paranoia, as if not only my life but his life were depended on it.

I've been hiding out all week. Avoiding email (other than my cell's reminders), instant messaging and any other form of communication kept to a minimum so I could focus on finishing a project that has been very...challenging. But I did it. Sleeping in 2 or 3 hr shifts and working until I couldn't type another line of code or do another line of amp. I was even too tired to masturbate. It's pretty bad when you think of doing it as you lay down after being awake for 38 hours and fall asleep while attempting to do it. I foolishly set up a date for Tuesday night but that didn't work out and I'm actually glad it didn't.

I forgot about it but apparently I booked an appointment to get shot up with some botox and probably Rystalyne, Juvederm, or collagen tomorrow. I have no idea why I booked it with this doctor so far away when there are like ten thousand of these guys within the city limits. I like the fuller lip effect the Rystalyne or Juvederm give me but I wish it was permanent. I'm also planning to meet friends at the beach afterward which makes me nervous. It's California though, so I'm sure injection marks go well with tan lines.

I'm sleepy now.
On this style vehicle...

Which style of rims?


A8

or..


GTi

:P
When you dream of a building, the building is generally you, what state it is in, whats inside the rooms. How the rooms change.

Dreaming of hotels is symbolic of the outside world, and other people.

Early this morning I dreamt of a hotel, a large lobby that has stood for many years and has changed many times. It had become modern, with new paint. I tried taking photos of it but there were too many people in the way.

I remember waling to my room, *something* 26, I think it was floor one tho. I remember their being hundreds of rooms, and walking between and behind all these people to get to my room. I never quite got inside tho.

I feel different now, ironic that I'm in a state of change when change this the theme. I definitely felt the hotel was a way station, halfway between where I was and where I am going. I could look back (somewhat crowded) on the past and find my way to where I need to be in the future.

Lately I've made a concerted effort to change the way I look too, I just feel the need to shed the old (whatever that was) and feel "new".

Interesting times. Good times. I'll let you know what happens.
25 Things About Me
  1. My mom has 16 siblings
  2. My dad has 9 siblings
  3. I'm an only child
  4. I recently started eating meat again after 14 years as a pescetarian. I don't think I'll ever get used to it and will always continue to be on the lookout for meatless options.
  5. I'd do anything for my cat, I truly think we've saved each other's lives and have a special bond.
  6. Even though I have such a large extended family I'm not really close to anyone, including my parents
  7. At the same time though, my worst fear is my parents dying
  8. I'm almost at hermit status right now and try to avoid contact with people as much as possible
  9. If I had my way I would sleep all day
  10. I don't particularly enjoy baths, but miss them when the option isn't there
  11. I over analyze just about everything in my life, sometimes to the point of it driving me insane
  12. Reading is my favorite past time, with listening to music coming in as a close second
  13. I hate milk but love most dairy products
  14. I live by myself and absolutely love it
  15. I've never seen Jurassic Park and refuse to ever see it
  16. I was born in Denver and lived in Littleton, CO and would have been at Columbine High School on the day of the shootings if we hadn't moved to Wisconsin when I was 11
  17. I fell off a mechanical horse when I was 4 years old and got a concussion
  18. I traveled around Germany and other places in Europe right after I graduated high school
  19. I often wonder "What if..." but I try not to think too much and think that everything has happened for a reason even if I never know what that reason is
  20. I'm an extremely private person
  21. I'm kind of worried about my future, especially as I'm getting older
  22. I'm obsessed with Smurfs and anytime I see one that I can afford at the time I pick it up
  23. I just got my first mosquito bite of the year :X
  24. I joined a gym a few weeks ago but have a difficult time going unless I just got done with work
  25. My parents met at work and now 30 years later still work with the same company
Ever since Natalie Dylan’s agent blocked me from Natalie’s Official MySpace page in February, I went from feeling love (for the first time in at least 18 years) to feeling like I’ve been raped, hopeless and like I’m dying.

Last night I went to this annual Homeowner’s Association meeting and got screwed really bad. This is the development (HOA) where I lost a potential $1,000,000 due to their mismanagement. Here’s an email I sent to others who were ripped-off:

Absolutely outrageous meeting last night. I asked if they're going to ding us any more $$$ on the Unit 2 lots and Steve Russo, who seems to be the spokesperson for this group said, "I'm looking through the books now and haven't decided if U owe us $15,000 more."

I then said, "How can U charge us for money the bank lost?!" Instead of allowing him to respond, I added, "Did U borrow money from National Bank?" He said no, they used all their own money. . . .

I just called Steve Russo about the above and started crying about how I planned to build there, buy a backhoe & water truck, had four lots in Unit 5 surveyed to build on etc.

Russo said he was looking at how much more $$$ in Unit 2 were spent. I never got a firm commitment that he wouldn't bill us for that. I suggested a meeting with him and he said if he does plan to ding us for more $$$ in Unit 2 he will tell us and have a meeting. There will be more expenses . . . he said the County wouldn't approve the sewer in Unit 2.

I told him of the ponzi-scheme the former owners did on me to sucker me into this by buying three lots in Unit 8 that I couldn't sell because of some contract they had with the builders prohibiting them from buying from private owners . . . no one wanted to build next to a KB Home (I don't blame them) . . . I told him how lousy those buildings in Unit 8 looked compared to the development east of there with porches (balconies).

He agreed it was kinda stupid that I'm paying taxes on Unit 5 lots when the lots are indebted over $40k. He said it will be hard to just make those liens just go away because someone payed money for those lots. I suggested that those who paid the $$$ (liens) on those lots probably got the $$$ from the bank but he said the books for the bank are pretty good and so-far, don't show that.

I couldn't sleep last night thinking about this . . . how I got screwed. I told him of Bob Baumbauer how Bob told us that we were overcharged for bringing the water two-miles up Houghton . . . ALL the lots in that community were charged for bringing the water up. "ALL" meaning the developments east, south and west of us were charged for that.

The partners in NT Properties are long-time lawyers in Tucson, which might explain why every lawyer I've been to has said, "conflict of interest."

I'm really at a loss about what to do feels literally & figuratively like I got screwed/raped and I'm gonna lose the $66k I was stupid enough to invest to improve two lots in Unit 2.

Steve Russo was kind to me on the phone and is open to U calling him. I think we should all have a small meeting with Steve.

One more thing: I nominated myself to be on all the boards but won no seat even though there was an open seat (they allow five members).

Best Wishes,

Raquel!​

After the meeting I went to a friend’s house, got stoned and lost my mind, saying all kinds of crazy things. When I got home, I started drinking wine. Got kinda drunk, went to bed at 1:11 am, woke up feeling like I was gonna pass out and die . . . bad-assed hangover.

About a month before, I OD’s on Meth . . . my first time smoking it . . . stayed up three days and finally went to the hospital ‘cause my heart really hurt after it severely fibulated shortly after the OD.

Seriously thinking I’m going to quit smoking cigs (only smoked about 5 roll-Ur-own/day) and drinking to get drunk. Due to the Meth, I also quit Coke. I believe part of the reason I felt sooo badly last month was the withdrawl from Coke.

Peace & Love,

Raquel!
It's now been 8 days since I had any meth. What helped me stick to the intended break was the thought of the hassle of having to get more. Of course, the other reason I decided I HAD to do it was the fact that I knew that I had 2 (now 1) week of traffic school from 6p10p each Wednesday. I've been fighting with the chronic fatigue, but still, again THANK GOD I haven't had to deal with the dreaded apathy that often accompanies meth come down or feel the way I felt when I was reducing my Tramadol intake. So, the only drugs I've had that are "fun" are my Rx painkillers. They, again thank God, soften the blow from the meth come down, although it was VERY tempting to go score even a dime just so I could get through my damned day shift on Tuesday.

My patient is now very angry and rowdy because he is deprived from running, due to his fucking cast from his knee surgery. The thing that sucks is that he's gonna be like that for WEEKS, UGGGGH! I did tell my patient's mom that I would be taking Tuesdays off the last 2 wks of June. That helps soften the blow of having to deal with him. He really wore me out, I could have USED a very small amount of speed to deal with him, but I refrained, mainly because of the bloody panick attacks I suffer if I have to drive. A very minute amount doesn't hurt me, sort of like when I was taking one diet pill a day to lose weight, but didn't want to chance it. I came very close to shining on the traffic school I was required to attend tonight, mainly because I'm so tired. I came home from work Tuesday at about 9pm, went straight to bed, stayed there until 5:30pm, when I left for the school.

I'm glad I did go and now am dreading this other stupid fucked up CPR class I'm required to take which is 4 hrs long. I can't work without it, and it's just another bullshit thing I have to do before the end of the month. Every other year it comes around, and every other year I hate it. It's fucking CPR, pretty basic stuff, I'm tired of it, plus I guess I'll have to actually go to them instead of them coming to me as in the past. The lady I hired the last 3 times moved to Arizona, great. Sigh. Whatever, another bullshit thing I hate to do that has to be done. Once I finish the traffic school next week, the point for speeding will be off my record. I'm feeling ok now, slightly buzzed from my Rx. I left the house at 3:30am this morning for a trip to the pharmacy. As always, I gave them a couple days to refill the script, thank God my doc is REALLY good about authorizing the refills right away.

I've been making 45 pills last at least 10 or 11 days, which is good for me. Of course as soon as I came home 10 minutes later, I knew Mom would be confronting me. "Where did you go?," she asked. "To get drugs," I said. "To get drugs? You mean the 24 hr pharmacy right around the corner?," she had to verify. "Yes mother," I said. She's not exactly thrilled about the prospect of me being on "real" drugs again, but anything as long as I'm not on that dreaded crystal meth as far as she is concerned. I see her point, but as I told Dave who dropped off the $60 for the mushrooms I paid him for 6 months ago, that never came through. "Lately I am sick and goddamned tired of the IRS, probation, medical and dental bills, plus the medical insurance itself, the auto insurance (which I couldn't pay last month) the auto maintainance, FUCK. I get no damn paid vacation or sick time and it seems like all I ever do is pay THESE goddamned motherfuckers, fuck."

It felt good to vent to Dave. "Yeah makes you want to go back to taking drugs again," he said. Yeah, haha. He wasn't a bit surprised when I told him I'd been a wee bit off the wagon on and off the past 6 wks, although, as before when I WAS following my meth slamming schedule, an enforced schedule of some sort with me, is mandatory. I am actually glad for the fact I DID and AM taking at least a 3 wk break, who knows maybe longer. Probably the best time to take another mini vacation will be the 2 wks in June I'm taking off on Tuesdays at the end of the month. There's more to life than paying all these Tom, Dick, and Harry's. I'd love to make a little extra cash on the side on the PC from home, but that got me fucked up the ass without lubrication. Guess I won't be trying that again, except who knows, perhpas I'll sell shit on EBAY the way my friend Amy the chiropracter did. Aimee, my best friend, the junkie tried what I did, and she's the one that warned me about the scam these dick heads pulled. Now, I gotta see bout getting my damn money back, hopefully I can, as they blatantly lied about the actual charges. Anyway, that's bout it for now.

I got to get on about the business of writing these IRS, probation, and student loan people to get off my fuckin case. I'm not even buying shit, and there's still way more bills than income for me, which pisses me off. I'd like someday too, to not have Mother Warden monitoring my activities day and night, Christ I'm 44 NOT 15.
went to a trance party in the forest saturday. most of the people there were from the city and I decided were pretty much retarded. no one knew how to tend a fire and they didn't even dig a shitter for all the foolish etarded saps. In the morning my local crew and I were the only people recycling and picking up.

Anyways, the trance sucked, and there were hardly any dancers, which makes no sense to me. You come 3 hours from your big city and just sit around a fire the whole time? Isn't the whole point of getting out of your urban environment to feel safe in the woods and go nuts with your crew? My people and I needed to get out into the forest and we also wanted to represent our local psychedelic tribe and make sure these folks didn't trash our woods. Even though the music and the people did not inspire me, I still danced my fucking ass off, tripped hard, and did my part. That is work and it is good work. And it doesn't need a pat on the back because it is my work and I'd do it regardless.

When I am at a party I try to inspire people to work for the community, even if the community only lasts for a night. It's kind of my trip and I know not every one feels or knows that its important to actively be a part of the community. Everyone wants to though, they just don't know that sometimes the littlest things can sometimes be the biggest. Every one wants to be the fuckin president but they don't want to pick up after themselves. It boggles my mind.

Luckily that was just the start of the outdoor party season and there will be way more psychedelic tribes getting together soon. On the solstice there is going to be an awesome psy party in the woods and this weekend there is a bigger party with some psytrance and darker dnb and dubstep people. Hopefully this seasons we can have some intentional fire ritual going on, at least in the psy circles. The is another thing that bugs me about most outdoor parties is the placement of the fire. It isn't something you really think about until you've been to a party where they place the fire in such a way that it unites the dj with the dancers as well as the people just trying to keep warm. It is something you will mostly see in the more psychedelic psytrance scene. Some of of my people actually travel around to different psy parties and build fires where the wood is arranged geometrically to try and invoke different spirits and energies into the gathering. They have used merkabahs to do this very intentional fire ritual. The energy of those parties is just phenomenal. When the fire is transformed into a portal and treated as an entire being in itself it brings in a whole other level of higher intelligence.

peace.
Taking the idea for discussion from Mariposa's blog, I thought that I'd write a bit about change. Or rather, resistance to change.

One of the areas of study in behavioural psychology is how to create changes in behaviour. There are four broad options, each with many subsets. These are: positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, positive punishment and negative punishment. In this case, the positive and negative refer to either presenting a stimulus or removing a stimulus respectively. So negative reinforcement is removing an unpleasant stimulus as a reward, and positive punishment is delivering an unpleasant stimulus.

An interesting thing is found when performing behavioural experiments involving behaviour change. In the vast majority of cases, when trying to remove an unwanted behaviour there is a period during which the behaviour occurs more frequently and/or with greater intensity before decreasing steadily. This is called an extinction burst.

Most people have experience with this phenomenon; who hasn't seen a parent in a grocery store trying to get a child to stop a tantrum, only to have it become more intense? Or when training a dog to stop jumping up, for a while it will jump up more than it did before. It is something which requires a bit of patience to get past, but at the same time indicates that the means of removing the behaviour is likely going to be eventually effective.

It is my belief that this is occurring on a larger scale within human society, or at least 'Western' society. Since the Enlightenment and subsequent Renaissance, the influence of religion in life has somewhat decreased. However, the idea of atheism/agnosticism was still considered repellent until the late 19th century. Even since then, it was perhaps not until the late 1960s that it became acceptable (although perhaps still strange) to identify as non-religious. Today it is more acceptable than ever to be an atheist, and yet it seems that those who remain religious are louder and more aggressive than ever. There seem to be fewer moderate religious people, and more appear to be gravitating toward the extremes. I don't claim to be an expert on either psychology or sociology, but to me this appears to be a social extinction burst for the behaviour of superstition.

But then again, it is hard to tell since the time-frame is much longer for social behaviour changes as compared to the behaviour of a single organism. Time will tell, and I look forward to seeing how this change develops.
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how does the brain interact when introduced to '2pac - staring through my rearview??? (program that simulates, programmed with your music library HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHH
I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I WAS THIHKING 2 SECONDS AGO...SHIT...2 SECONDS BEFORE THAT???...2 SECONDS BEFORE THAT???, ETC. ETC., ET-FUCKING-CETERA (IS THAT EVEN HOW THAT IS SPELLED? WTF AM I TAKING ABOUT? STMRWRL???? i know it had someting to do with 2pac - staring through my rearvoew warpath remix legend??? not exactly 'shootin the salad, but i'm damn near close...my brain is firing a million tasks at once...i know this song by heart....but theres so many layers...so many things i hear seperately atm...
a million thoughts just attempted ...WHAT THE FUCK AM I TALKING ABOUT? YES, THIS SONG IS AMAZING...AND...I CAN APPARENTLY MANAGE ONLY ONE TASK AT A TIME WHILE THE INFINITE..YEP...COMPLETELY LOST AGAIN..LOST WHAT? WTF WAS I THINIKING ABOUT?
I CAN BARELY READ THE SCREEN AS I'M TYPE THIS...LIKE I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO SQUINT REALY REALLY FUCKIN HARD...TO SEE WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANTED TO SEE SO BADLY...ABYSS...ESXTREME WTF WAS I JUST THINKING>>> I'MN TYPING THI WITH SOMETHINGS THAT NO LONGER HAVE A MEMORY FOR MY RAM SUCKS'NO IDEA WTF I WAS JUST THINKING IMMEDIATELY THAT SHIT WAS SENT TO THE 'VIEWED' BIN AND NEVER TO BE SEEN OR HEARD FROM THEM AGAIN? WHO ARE THEM? OR THEY? GOURMET SORBET FORTE HORSEPLAY SHORT-STAY COURT-DAY SNORT YAY SOURCE-DAY FOREPLAY ..

ONCE AGAIN I FIND MYSELF NOT HAVING ANY CLUE WTF I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT SECONDS AGO SHOR-TAYNOTHING COMES TO MIND, I'D RATHER JUST HOLD MY HEAD IN MY LAP AND FADE THE FUCKKKK OUT TO THIS OXTRAORDINARY MUSICAL EARGRASM SNEAR-AT-HIM-NEAR SATURN FATHOMS NO CLUE WTF I WAS JUST THINKING...
MONEY RULE THE WORLD, BITCHES MAKE THE WORLD GO ROUND, REAL NIGGAS DO WHAT THEY WANNA DO BITCH NIGGAS DO WHAT THEY CAN WEIRD SPASM TEAR-GAS-AND BEER TAVERN HASN'T QUEER BASHIN TIME TO PUT ON RELAPSE IF I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO OR TO EVEN JUST REMEMBER WHAT??? WHAT? MEED TP AT ;EAST ATTE[,M[ ;OSTEOMG TP RE;A[SE AAOM WJAT?EK;KR;TJOS SJOT SEROPIS;YT
just snortted 1/4 of a suboxen how long do i have to wait until i bang heroin.
5/19/2009

So it’s been a week since I’ve had any meth. I can’t believe all the damned fucked up trouble I’ve been in. Tuesday the 5th, I guess I was in such a big old hurry to get shit, that I forgot to document the $100 I took out of my account. It doubly sucks that I try to make a little extra cash from home, and end up getting fucked in the ass without lubrication by the company that said they were charging $1.97, when actually they credited my account and charged me $72.14, an amount I did NOT authorize. Add the $24 service charge the bank added on for a bounced check, I’m fucked out of $200. That still burns my ass. I’m still waiting for my new ready teller card in the mail. It’s a giant pain in the ASS when you’re always asleep during bank hrs and you have no damn card.

I was going to buy the supplements for meth come down, but after being out $200, I couldn’t to save my life. Thank God, this time the meth come down only consisted of nothing but mere horrific fatigue, so I come home from my graveyard shift at work, go straight to bed, barely make it out of fuckin bed by 10pm. When I get up I take my 3 painkillers, and I did get some grapefruit juice. Thank Christ I at least had THEM to soften the blow from the come down, so again only been dealing with the fatigue, which is rough, but not nearly as rough as that damned Tramadol. The next 2 Wednesdays I have to go to 4 hrs of traffic school to get the point off my driver’s license for speeding. I’m so behind in bills, it’s not fucking funny, and it’s NOT just from the meth diversions the past 6 wks.

I have 2 goddamned many bills and not enough income. Life pisses me off so much sometimes. I swear all I want is a room to myself, my car, my job, and that’s it. I don’t need a fancy car, house, and a boat, or 9 million credit cards. All I want is for these cocksuckers from probation, the IRS, and medical bills to leave me the fuck alone. That’s hardly asking for much. I’ve been working, too, NOT to go back to my old eating habits so I don’t blow back up like a goddamned fucking HIPPO like before. Hell I’d rather have to go back to being a full time junkie than to look like that disgraceful PIG ever again. I’ve got to watch the anger and hate though, cause they are what tend to get me into trouble in the first place. So, now I’ve got to deal with these damned bill collecters and am seriously thinking of taking a few Tuesdays off, as I’m too fucking tired to hassle with a friggin day shift after 4 nights without dope. I am taking a rest from the meth though.
So, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I committed a crime, and then I was diagnosed with schitzophrenia - so, instead of putting me to jail, they put me into a psychiatric hospital. I'm being considered as a criminal patient. This "treatment" here is going to take years, and it's a bit hard to get adjusted to the thought of having to be here for years.

I was wondering if any of you people have experiences living in a hospital - how was it?

I'm currently taking 3 mg risperidone, 30 mg citalopram and 1 mg lorazepam for medical treatment.

Write me something fun. It's really boring here, but luckily I can use the library and go to the Internet.

I've started smoking cigars here, because it's just so bo-bo-boring... :p
As time goes on, memories once thought long buried resurface.

I think my brain has been able to process the shit of recent times and repair itself now that its had a break from drugs but now old old hang ups are around.

About my marriage, my life as a married woman at home in Perth where all her family and friends were. I had my close girlfriends right there, my mum, my home with 2 parrots and Nathan. Also his druggie friends. Also the constant struggle between responsibility and fun.

I cant think about those years without regret. So I try to not go there but my head is trying to get past it.

I cant make the same relationship pattern with my boyfriend now. But its what seems normal. It isnt.

I love him. And he makes me tingle when he smiles. I hope I am going to keep on track and not let my past kill my future.
My brain won't stop no matter what I do. I hate when this happens and am glad it doesn't happen *too* much anymore.

I just get so caught up in thoughts that I can't get to stop and then one thought becomes another and it all snowballs.

I keep trying to stay strong, but I'm so incredibly weak it disgusts me. I never thought it would get this bad. I feel somewhat at fault for isolating myself from the world, but that's also kind of what I wanted.

I just wish I had one close friend or family member who wouldn't let me down and wouldn't judge me. I have been far from perfect and have made mistakes, but I'm human and that's what humans do.

I just want to be able to be proud of being me and be able to show people the real me without being scared of what they'll think.

I want to go to sleep. :|
I haven't had any meth since Wednesday. Am not feeling so much apathy as I am chronic fatigue. I can barely make it to work, I stay there, then come home sleep 12-13 hrs. Everything is closed so I can't take care of any business when I get off work. Plus something fucked up happened. I found out why my bank account is WAY fucking low. First I forgot to write in my checkbook that I took out $100 on Tuesday the 5th, what a bust. I used to do that shit all the time when I was strung out, and I did it again. Indication right there I need to lay off the shit. Then the bank charged me $24 for a bounced check that they covered, PLUS this company I ordered something off the internet from advertised $1.97 for their product. When I talked to Aimee about it she said watch out, they take $72.14 out every month. I checked with the bank, sure enough, they did. So I had to cancel my card, open up an investigation to hopefully get my money back for an amount of money I did NOT authorize, fuck. I have no debit card that works now, and down to the last $50 in my account and can't even get any of that because I have to write out a check for cash to my bank, but they are closed when I get off work and I'm so tired I sleep during the day. This describes the fucked up mess I've been living the past few days.


i love how stick figures can convey so much, i <3 xkcd
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