There used to be different on line addict friends I could talk to. I wonder what ever happened to Dr. Black? There was Jim from Maryland who disappeared off the face of the earth. I had Dubby to talk to until he no longer used the pc. There was Rob, but he's being a good boy now, except for his painkillers. There was Bobby, God knows what ever happened to him? Probably in and out of jails and tweeker pads. When yahoo deleted several of my accounts due to drug content on my group sites, I lost some yahoo ID friends forever. There is this new dude I saw and spoke to very briefly several times on line, joeyboy9slams. He is a gay guy that apparently likes to slam 1/4 gram of good shit, then go on cam and let every horny gay guy watch him either getting himself off or 7 other guys. I don't mind talking, but am not really interested in watching him fuck himself up the ass on cam.
Whatever makes him happy, but I miss being able to talk to different users, now all my friends have gone away and I am left all alone. No one to talk to anymore, except for this blog. I really started to feel the come down, so I decided to do my last hit. I'm in dire need of a new needle, as the one I do have is incredibly fucking dull and thats terrible for your veins. I only got one left that's easy to hit. The one on my right arm used to be easy, but it's not now. Aimee, bless her heart, whenever I'm at her place can always hit the hard vein, but it's damn near impossible, as this time I hit, registered, then started pushing in the juice, but it became a miss and I couldn't get it to reregister. FUCK! Wasted half a hit right there. So went back to old faithful, got the other half and started to feel less depressed, but damn it I could of used the whole hit.
Although I haven't listened to all my messages, those 9 I thought were from work were all from fuckin Johnny, Aimee's ex. Fuckin Johnny. He is one persistent fucker who doesn't give up. Johnny like me finished what turned into an 18 month program of drug court so he was clean for a little over a year, but like yours truly, he's baaaaaaack. I did call him back and he wanted to know if I wanted to go to his place and do some shit, but I declined. Once I'm intoxicated, unless I have no choice but to leave wherever I'm at, I don't leave. I avoid driving at all costs because even though the car is perfectly legal in every way and I'm actually a legit driver on the road, unlike some people, I can't drive on the shit because I get serious panick attacks. It's weird because I have no problem driving after taking a couple pain pills, as they are a low grade buzz and they mellow me out.
I did talk to Debbie via email a few times. She I guess is now an ex meth user. She was still using after I got clean, then apparently she had a heart attack 4 months after her last use of meth, so no more partying for her. I had emailed her asking too if by some miracle I did make it out to Dublin again, is the invite to crash at her place for 3 days still open? Yes, she said it was all good. I spoke to Tom aka Dubby on the phone, a fellow addict that although no longer has a pc, I keep in touch with him every few months. Last I heard he was shooting morphine, heroin, and doing his 120 of dilaudid every month, but the Dr he was getting his Rx from for years got paranoid, cut him off, and sent him to a methadone program. So, now I guess he's doing ok, he only gets methadone other than stray pills here and there, and no doubt his pot. I hope he gave up the alcohol, as I forgot to mention drinking alcohol stops the absorption of methadone, guaranting dope sickness.
I used to have some killer meth clubs, but the good ones are gone, so again, I'm all alone these days with no one to talk to except for this blog. Sigh. Therefore, that's what I have to make do with, but I wish I had my friends back. Of course there is Erik and my ex sugar daddy, but I can't count them because I never really get to talk to them. I didn't do my acid today because I felt a sense of angst all damn day and saddness. I'm feeling it again now because that 1/2 hit wasn't enough, I need more. I guess I'll take 3 painkillers, maybe even take 1/2 of acid, I don't know. I'm feeling afraid cause of the money thing, so I'll have to get on the phone with the bank later in the morning. Getting the constant emails and IMs from Brendan is nice, but it makes me sad when I think about the fact that if he knew my double life, he wouldn't talk to me anymore. He's an addict every bit as much as I am, only his is to sex and affairs. The other thing is every one of his emails although dosed with sugary sweetness, it's ALWAYS about sex. So, if the sex were taken away, would he even be bothered talking to me?
He says he loves my mind, which in his way of thinking he does. He appreciates I'm a hopeless romantic, just like he is and I am able to carry on a conversation in and out of bed, plus I am creative in the bedroom and able to write about different fantasies and "what ifs" "would u try this?" or "picture this scenario." I'm sure even for guys, it's hard to find a woman that has these qualities and although sex may be the primary objective for the guy, if lacking in imagination and personality, even the sex would be rather boring. So, that is what I think he means when he says he loves my mind. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad someone appreciates that side of me, as I have no one to share that with that's available, haven't for a long time. However, if for some reason one of us could no longer have sex, would he even be talking to me? What would there be left for him to discuss from his point of view? We're from 2 completely different worlds. I come from one of constant financial struggling, whereas he had a 6 digit income, recently cut off his company with a 2 year severance package.
He's this total respectable Mr. Corporate man and I'm an underpaid nurse that settles for lower level positions in order to avoid heavy responsibility. Outside of his work and his affairs, occasional football and beer, perhaps upper scale mandatory corporate parties accompanied by his respectable wife on his arm, and me? LOL. Chems, low level job, poverty, writing, and hanging out with dope fiends in the local party pad. We're as opposite as night and day. So there you have it. This is why when and if forced to choose, I'll always choose friends over boyfriends or affairs. The reason? My entire life aside from my family, the only relationships that last are my friends. Affairs and boyfriends are brief, then they are gone. Even though I almost got married to Erik, I consider him a friend, because he's there for the long haul, although from a distance. I just received another IM from Joey informing me and 10 guys he's gonna do another 1/4 gram hit then get messed up on cam.
Lucky him. I'm feeling fucking sad an alienated right now. God if only I could fix my fucking self! Even 2 years of vigilant NA step work and sobriety didn't do a damn thing for the weight issue and fuck now I'm confused as hell, I'm not sure I even know what the fuck I want or how to go about it anymore. That's not exactly true, I do know what I want, but right now that is unnattainable for me. Why can't there be a permanent lasting chemical I can take that will maintain a low level dose of serenity? The depression is back full force, I love the highs, but hate the pain. Even being clean there was the saddness at looking like a pig and having to resign myself to the fact I'd never get another chance at romance or even sex because I was too ashamed to take my clothes off in front of anyone, especially a guy, not even Erik. He would of still loved me as a friend, but that's all I could offer, plus to be honest, I really didn't want him to see me the way I was, as he had an eye and a taste for beauty, which I certainly understand, and my beauty had gone.
Now is a different story. While by no means thin, everyone seems to think I've got this gorgeous body and I'm glad they think that, but most important, I'm more glad about how I feel. Sometime beginning 6 wks ago, the night I relapsed on X, this process of beginning to accept my body as it was, and the self body hatred to leave had started. Brendan helped, then Aimee and the dope fiends were a HUGE help, then over 6 wks 50 lbs sort of dropped off. Fuckin meth sure worked fast, I can't believe it. So, God help me I've got to be careful and at this point, although I know what I intend to do and what I should do, there's a possibility I may not have to worry about the weight so much as the dope. I get so frustrated with life sometimes I just want to check out. Fuck this party, I'm outa here. I feel trapped. I'm so fucked and I can't seem to stop the train wreck.
Whatever makes him happy, but I miss being able to talk to different users, now all my friends have gone away and I am left all alone. No one to talk to anymore, except for this blog. I really started to feel the come down, so I decided to do my last hit. I'm in dire need of a new needle, as the one I do have is incredibly fucking dull and thats terrible for your veins. I only got one left that's easy to hit. The one on my right arm used to be easy, but it's not now. Aimee, bless her heart, whenever I'm at her place can always hit the hard vein, but it's damn near impossible, as this time I hit, registered, then started pushing in the juice, but it became a miss and I couldn't get it to reregister. FUCK! Wasted half a hit right there. So went back to old faithful, got the other half and started to feel less depressed, but damn it I could of used the whole hit.
Although I haven't listened to all my messages, those 9 I thought were from work were all from fuckin Johnny, Aimee's ex. Fuckin Johnny. He is one persistent fucker who doesn't give up. Johnny like me finished what turned into an 18 month program of drug court so he was clean for a little over a year, but like yours truly, he's baaaaaaack. I did call him back and he wanted to know if I wanted to go to his place and do some shit, but I declined. Once I'm intoxicated, unless I have no choice but to leave wherever I'm at, I don't leave. I avoid driving at all costs because even though the car is perfectly legal in every way and I'm actually a legit driver on the road, unlike some people, I can't drive on the shit because I get serious panick attacks. It's weird because I have no problem driving after taking a couple pain pills, as they are a low grade buzz and they mellow me out.
I did talk to Debbie via email a few times. She I guess is now an ex meth user. She was still using after I got clean, then apparently she had a heart attack 4 months after her last use of meth, so no more partying for her. I had emailed her asking too if by some miracle I did make it out to Dublin again, is the invite to crash at her place for 3 days still open? Yes, she said it was all good. I spoke to Tom aka Dubby on the phone, a fellow addict that although no longer has a pc, I keep in touch with him every few months. Last I heard he was shooting morphine, heroin, and doing his 120 of dilaudid every month, but the Dr he was getting his Rx from for years got paranoid, cut him off, and sent him to a methadone program. So, now I guess he's doing ok, he only gets methadone other than stray pills here and there, and no doubt his pot. I hope he gave up the alcohol, as I forgot to mention drinking alcohol stops the absorption of methadone, guaranting dope sickness.
I used to have some killer meth clubs, but the good ones are gone, so again, I'm all alone these days with no one to talk to except for this blog. Sigh. Therefore, that's what I have to make do with, but I wish I had my friends back. Of course there is Erik and my ex sugar daddy, but I can't count them because I never really get to talk to them. I didn't do my acid today because I felt a sense of angst all damn day and saddness. I'm feeling it again now because that 1/2 hit wasn't enough, I need more. I guess I'll take 3 painkillers, maybe even take 1/2 of acid, I don't know. I'm feeling afraid cause of the money thing, so I'll have to get on the phone with the bank later in the morning. Getting the constant emails and IMs from Brendan is nice, but it makes me sad when I think about the fact that if he knew my double life, he wouldn't talk to me anymore. He's an addict every bit as much as I am, only his is to sex and affairs. The other thing is every one of his emails although dosed with sugary sweetness, it's ALWAYS about sex. So, if the sex were taken away, would he even be bothered talking to me?
He says he loves my mind, which in his way of thinking he does. He appreciates I'm a hopeless romantic, just like he is and I am able to carry on a conversation in and out of bed, plus I am creative in the bedroom and able to write about different fantasies and "what ifs" "would u try this?" or "picture this scenario." I'm sure even for guys, it's hard to find a woman that has these qualities and although sex may be the primary objective for the guy, if lacking in imagination and personality, even the sex would be rather boring. So, that is what I think he means when he says he loves my mind. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad someone appreciates that side of me, as I have no one to share that with that's available, haven't for a long time. However, if for some reason one of us could no longer have sex, would he even be talking to me? What would there be left for him to discuss from his point of view? We're from 2 completely different worlds. I come from one of constant financial struggling, whereas he had a 6 digit income, recently cut off his company with a 2 year severance package.
He's this total respectable Mr. Corporate man and I'm an underpaid nurse that settles for lower level positions in order to avoid heavy responsibility. Outside of his work and his affairs, occasional football and beer, perhaps upper scale mandatory corporate parties accompanied by his respectable wife on his arm, and me? LOL. Chems, low level job, poverty, writing, and hanging out with dope fiends in the local party pad. We're as opposite as night and day. So there you have it. This is why when and if forced to choose, I'll always choose friends over boyfriends or affairs. The reason? My entire life aside from my family, the only relationships that last are my friends. Affairs and boyfriends are brief, then they are gone. Even though I almost got married to Erik, I consider him a friend, because he's there for the long haul, although from a distance. I just received another IM from Joey informing me and 10 guys he's gonna do another 1/4 gram hit then get messed up on cam.
Lucky him. I'm feeling fucking sad an alienated right now. God if only I could fix my fucking self! Even 2 years of vigilant NA step work and sobriety didn't do a damn thing for the weight issue and fuck now I'm confused as hell, I'm not sure I even know what the fuck I want or how to go about it anymore. That's not exactly true, I do know what I want, but right now that is unnattainable for me. Why can't there be a permanent lasting chemical I can take that will maintain a low level dose of serenity? The depression is back full force, I love the highs, but hate the pain. Even being clean there was the saddness at looking like a pig and having to resign myself to the fact I'd never get another chance at romance or even sex because I was too ashamed to take my clothes off in front of anyone, especially a guy, not even Erik. He would of still loved me as a friend, but that's all I could offer, plus to be honest, I really didn't want him to see me the way I was, as he had an eye and a taste for beauty, which I certainly understand, and my beauty had gone.
Now is a different story. While by no means thin, everyone seems to think I've got this gorgeous body and I'm glad they think that, but most important, I'm more glad about how I feel. Sometime beginning 6 wks ago, the night I relapsed on X, this process of beginning to accept my body as it was, and the self body hatred to leave had started. Brendan helped, then Aimee and the dope fiends were a HUGE help, then over 6 wks 50 lbs sort of dropped off. Fuckin meth sure worked fast, I can't believe it. So, God help me I've got to be careful and at this point, although I know what I intend to do and what I should do, there's a possibility I may not have to worry about the weight so much as the dope. I get so frustrated with life sometimes I just want to check out. Fuck this party, I'm outa here. I feel trapped. I'm so fucked and I can't seem to stop the train wreck.
