So the depression is back big time, at killer force. It's not just coming down and knowing I have to face and deal with W/D's, but it's this fucking stack of mail piled up, and these 9 or 50 million fucking phone calls from work and whoever I guess. Fuckin Christ all I wanted was one lousy fucking mini vacation to get some peace from the endless drone of work with only Mon and Wed off. Even though I made arrangements to be off way ahead of time, the fact that both the lady and the company apparently forgot about this means problems, but what the consequences are gonna be I don't know yet. I don't know why depression seems so brutal having to deal with relatively simple things, although it's the fear I put into it, not knowing what irritating obstacles are gonna crop up to make life more unpleasant than it already is on top of the chemical issues.
I just want to be left alone from the world and not have to deal with this bullshit. Mom is right, I haven't been myself ever since the nightmare with the Tramadol began and now this. Still, on the other hand I still had to live with that other fucking 240 lbs nightmare during the time I was sober and I actually feel like a person instead of a glob of fucking fat walking around, no matter how hard I dicked around with Weight Watchers or the Atkins Diet. The fucking shit just didn't want to come off! I had asked numerous times too for God to please remove the obsession with food the way He did with drugs when I was clean. For whatever reason, that never happened, but fuck me I'll do ANYTHING to keep from gaining back any of the weight I lost, which is about 45 no correct me, 53 lbs as of now. Christ I'm down to 187 lbs, which is not thin by any means but that's 8 fucking lbs in 2 days whoa!
I swear it blows me away that on my own, it was a huge struggle to take off 30 lbs, then it just went right back on, so you know what? I"m fucking tired of this BULLSHIT! I have been eating every day, but not much. My meals range anywhere from one tiny TV dinner a day or 2 sugar free jellos and a TV dinner or some crackers, a banana, and a small TV dinner. In any case it's working. I'm finally back down 2 lbs less than my original overweight size 13 years ago. I had signed up for the diet pill program, but hadn't done speed in 3 yrs for lack of connections, so the pills did work and I did have a specific meal plan I stuck to. I had weighed in at 189 lbs and remember feeling absolutely mortified and astonished I had become that big, but now Christ even if I have to stay at this weight for the rest of my life, as long as I don't get any bigger, I'll be a happy camper. 5 fucking 3 lbs of lard finally gone. Even though I'm strung out on dope, I think it's worth it just to be rid of that.
Not, mind you, that it is going to be anywhere near remotely possible to carry on this habit full time. That's the fucked up problem I'm faced with now. Sigh. Life seems so hopelessly like a goddamned obstacle course sometimes.
I just want to be left alone from the world and not have to deal with this bullshit. Mom is right, I haven't been myself ever since the nightmare with the Tramadol began and now this. Still, on the other hand I still had to live with that other fucking 240 lbs nightmare during the time I was sober and I actually feel like a person instead of a glob of fucking fat walking around, no matter how hard I dicked around with Weight Watchers or the Atkins Diet. The fucking shit just didn't want to come off! I had asked numerous times too for God to please remove the obsession with food the way He did with drugs when I was clean. For whatever reason, that never happened, but fuck me I'll do ANYTHING to keep from gaining back any of the weight I lost, which is about 45 no correct me, 53 lbs as of now. Christ I'm down to 187 lbs, which is not thin by any means but that's 8 fucking lbs in 2 days whoa!
I swear it blows me away that on my own, it was a huge struggle to take off 30 lbs, then it just went right back on, so you know what? I"m fucking tired of this BULLSHIT! I have been eating every day, but not much. My meals range anywhere from one tiny TV dinner a day or 2 sugar free jellos and a TV dinner or some crackers, a banana, and a small TV dinner. In any case it's working. I'm finally back down 2 lbs less than my original overweight size 13 years ago. I had signed up for the diet pill program, but hadn't done speed in 3 yrs for lack of connections, so the pills did work and I did have a specific meal plan I stuck to. I had weighed in at 189 lbs and remember feeling absolutely mortified and astonished I had become that big, but now Christ even if I have to stay at this weight for the rest of my life, as long as I don't get any bigger, I'll be a happy camper. 5 fucking 3 lbs of lard finally gone. Even though I'm strung out on dope, I think it's worth it just to be rid of that.
Not, mind you, that it is going to be anywhere near remotely possible to carry on this habit full time. That's the fucked up problem I'm faced with now. Sigh. Life seems so hopelessly like a goddamned obstacle course sometimes.
