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I started typing this up as a thread, but realized quickly that this may be too much of a ramble. I got nostalgic when Journals came back up for reading. Mine was funny, honest, happy, sad, all of the emotions I feel - and sometimes all these things at once.
In this spirit, today I will write about change.
Change is a powerful word with several different meanings. I don't remember a time in my life when things stayed constant beyond age 5. Perhaps this is a built-in design flaw for if we remembered the security of our earliest years, surely we could never adapt?
Change won a man who was basically an unknown junior politician the presidency of the U.S. last November.
Change is the heart and soul of the Serenity Prayer for the 12-Step Contingency.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I find this to be a passive and incomplete acknowledgment of human capacity; also it is a "chicken v. egg" question that I know I will never answer. Which comes first - the serenity, or the courage?
Is serenity defined by complacency - what defines what circumstances we should actively NOT work to change but instead passively accept? That sounds like a one-way ticket into learned helplessness and ineffectiveness as a person.
Is courage defined by direct action? Sometimes actions can be too hasty when emotions run high. That's a one way ticket into making poor decisions and yes, also, ineffectiveness as a person.
So how do we know which one applies, when? Is it possible to leave unintended consequences behind in advance?
And what do we do when we realize that "change" might not have been what we needed given a particular set of circumstances? Or when we don't like the result of "change"?
We go into existential crisis mode and write long-winded journal entries contemplating overbroad topics that we may not in our lifetimes comprehend.
To make this journal entry more interactive and meaningful: please leave me your thoughts on the concept of change and, if you like, a personal anecdote on what "change" means to you. There are no right or wrong answers.
Let's liven this place up a bit. 
In this spirit, today I will write about change.
Change is a powerful word with several different meanings. I don't remember a time in my life when things stayed constant beyond age 5. Perhaps this is a built-in design flaw for if we remembered the security of our earliest years, surely we could never adapt?
Change won a man who was basically an unknown junior politician the presidency of the U.S. last November.
Change is the heart and soul of the Serenity Prayer for the 12-Step Contingency.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I find this to be a passive and incomplete acknowledgment of human capacity; also it is a "chicken v. egg" question that I know I will never answer. Which comes first - the serenity, or the courage?
Is serenity defined by complacency - what defines what circumstances we should actively NOT work to change but instead passively accept? That sounds like a one-way ticket into learned helplessness and ineffectiveness as a person.
Is courage defined by direct action? Sometimes actions can be too hasty when emotions run high. That's a one way ticket into making poor decisions and yes, also, ineffectiveness as a person.
So how do we know which one applies, when? Is it possible to leave unintended consequences behind in advance?
And what do we do when we realize that "change" might not have been what we needed given a particular set of circumstances? Or when we don't like the result of "change"?
We go into existential crisis mode and write long-winded journal entries contemplating overbroad topics that we may not in our lifetimes comprehend.
To make this journal entry more interactive and meaningful: please leave me your thoughts on the concept of change and, if you like, a personal anecdote on what "change" means to you. There are no right or wrong answers.
Let's liven this place up a bit. 
Still not gotten drunk or drank any alcohol, for that matter. This is now the longest break ever. I think I feel better. I'm definitely eating at least three times as much food a day as I was a month ago.
Plus my fitness has improved through exercising at least five days a week lately and that's not something I had any success at sticking at even for the miserable amount of time I have done recently.
But I'm still helpless without a few grams of skunk every day. Helpless without and strung out and edgy with
I quit the stuff a few days after I quit booze but soon realised that I needed to kill the booze first.
Weed taper starts afresh on Monday
The more he smoked the less he ventured outside. Strange shrill strings of paranioa stirred his senses beyond meaning.
Friendly voices whispered unspeakable horror. For two days he is in a haze of loathing and mistrust. Then a friendly hand sets him free.
In other news, my car dropped a cog again. I drove it from London to Guardia in Italy via the Swiss Alps and back again recently and it seems to be just constantly breaking down since then.
It got a gearbox last week, now I need a new block
I'm considering doing it myself, but nervous of fucking the headwork up.
He wished he could unfuck all the words as they floated to the page. Why should it be that each time he engaged a seemingly abstract task
it had to become all about he?
Plus my fitness has improved through exercising at least five days a week lately and that's not something I had any success at sticking at even for the miserable amount of time I have done recently.
But I'm still helpless without a few grams of skunk every day. Helpless without and strung out and edgy with
I quit the stuff a few days after I quit booze but soon realised that I needed to kill the booze first.Weed taper starts afresh on Monday
The more he smoked the less he ventured outside. Strange shrill strings of paranioa stirred his senses beyond meaning.
Friendly voices whispered unspeakable horror. For two days he is in a haze of loathing and mistrust. Then a friendly hand sets him free.
In other news, my car dropped a cog again. I drove it from London to Guardia in Italy via the Swiss Alps and back again recently and it seems to be just constantly breaking down since then.
It got a gearbox last week, now I need a new block
I'm considering doing it myself, but nervous of fucking the headwork up.He wished he could unfuck all the words as they floated to the page. Why should it be that each time he engaged a seemingly abstract task
it had to become all about he?
Today is Tuesday, May 11th, 2009 and it is now 3:36 AM here in the Philippines.
YES, I AM aware that the proper way in which to spell "ketchup" is actually "catsup" but assuming that most readers will be Americans, the latter spelling will not make much sense to these readers...
Music wise I am listening to "The Storm" by Jerry Roper and Cosi, a beautiful Vocal Trance song that I never get tired of. I will try to find a decent url later.
Also been listening to Johnny Cash "Hurt" which I listed awhile back and offered a url. He remade the NIN song much better than the original, with the entire album actually being produced by Arthur Baker which guaranteed a great listening experience.
Sadly I got the all important 90 Day Viral Load Test results in relation to my Hepatitis - C treatment. I began with a Viral Load of roughly 110,000. At 30 days I had a load of 10,000! i was so excited!!! I believed that it was indeed possible that I actually might find myself rid of this horrible disease...
Then came my crucial 90 Day Test. If I tested at 0 to 1,000 I would be considered cured for all intensive purposes because the continuing regimen would be sufficient to push it out of my body altogether. Imagine then how I felt when Thursday I actually got a phone call here! My provider told me that my Load had rebounded and then stood at 72,000!!! This despite my chemotherapy!!! Imagine the replication WITHOUT the medications!?
Stress can ruin your chances and as I have related over the last few entries, Rizza and I have been having a rough time of it. I would not be so ignorant as to blame her or any person really for the failure, but I am well aware (aside from what the medical community and especially my providers) of how stress can adversely impact the treatment...
I was taking 1800 units of Pegylated Interferon -B for 3 months, along with 600 mgs of Ribivarin 2 X a day, 7 dats a week. My primary provider, the one that called me said that they expect a triple attack regimen to be approved rather soon and if I elected to i could once again fight the good fight. I have time to decide that issue.
I actually cried after I was alone, thinking how fucked up it is to (probablly) be dying before age 50 when I had avoided all other pitfalls, such as war, major illnesses and a quarter century of opiate/opioid addiction...
I will not be posting "Blood and Gore" entries any more since I think it is rather pointless since pratically noone here ever even considers travelling to Mindanao (D'tergent excepted though, haha) so why put forth all the effort? I am considering starting an offsite blog though, which I will devote at least partially to life in my part of the world and in that venue I will be able to record the ups and downs of this clusterfuck of a war, revolution and outright crime.
I will briefly talk of the issues in general terms. Sadly the NPA (communist guerillas) are ratcheting up their actions in our area. It had been so quiet, almost what one might imagine "normal" to be, until almost 2 weeks ago. A village on the ends of one of our fields was attacked and they killed 3 soldiers, and emptied out the govt. armoury.
Then, they found a 200 man camp 3 kilometers east of us, and less than 2 to out west. In both the camos were empty if personnel (I cannot talk about how this always happens, at least as far as the reasons because "Salvaging," or pro-govt. assasins will take issue. Gee, if my liver does not kill me my mouth will!
To the west, in the Ilaga/Muslim Wars, the govt. pulled an operation like the one they pulled on our area though this time it targetted the MILF (Muslim insurgency) instead of the NPA as was the case in our case.
for more than 2 weeks now not even the UN or NGOS bringing AID are being allowed past the perimster. They are running daily 105 MM Howitzer shelling form 6 AM until 12 PM, and then alternate Infantry Ops with aerial carpet bombings runs, etc and so forth.
It is in Maguindanao and has since spilled over into Cotabato and involves more than 4 infantry Brigades with combined air, armour and artillery elements.
A noteworthy event took place in the Visayan Islands, the group that holds Cebu; Apparently the NPA has began increasing attacks in the Visays, something it really has not done for more than a decade. According to the NPA, and I have to be careful with how I say it, a US Marine was seriously wounded in action against the NPA, which IF true, is adirect violation of the Philippine Constitution. SUPPOSEDLY there is an entire American platoon enmeshed with AFP Reaction Force operating there but again, this is according to the NPA...
Crime wise, the PDEA (the Philippine version of the US DEA) had 3 of its personnel killed as they sout out to eradicate some cannabis plantations in ARMM, the Muslim region of this island. As they left their departure point and began rolling down National Hiway motorcycles with gunmen ridiing behind the operators engaged the ,em.
The PDEA must notify communities before undertaking any Operation here because of the unique dynamic regarding security, insurrections and so on. Unfortunately for them though, that this means they have 0 effectiveness. Oh well...
I have been reading about General Black Jack Pershing who handled pacification of this island just after the US accepted the Spanish surrender of the Philippines in the Bay of Manila, in 1901 (I believe).
To deal with the Muslim Suicide Terrorists (and we thought it began with "Palestinians" did we?) he had a group of them lined up for their execution but then executed all but 2. They were made to watch closely as they rubbed pig entrails all over the men before and after their death. This renders them incapable to enter Paradise. After their deaths, he buried them chopped up and mixed with butchered hogs...He then released the 2 men and ever after, many claim, Pershing did not have to deal with Muslim terrorists. Smart man.
In Israel we use dogs! Arabs (not so much Muslims though many share the attribute) are made to lick them, and many other things that are better left undiscussed. Funny though, we never had Pershing's luck! Then again Pershing's tale is probablly anecdotal.
I will close on that...Over and out...
YES, I AM aware that the proper way in which to spell "ketchup" is actually "catsup" but assuming that most readers will be Americans, the latter spelling will not make much sense to these readers...
Music wise I am listening to "The Storm" by Jerry Roper and Cosi, a beautiful Vocal Trance song that I never get tired of. I will try to find a decent url later.
Also been listening to Johnny Cash "Hurt" which I listed awhile back and offered a url. He remade the NIN song much better than the original, with the entire album actually being produced by Arthur Baker which guaranteed a great listening experience.
Sadly I got the all important 90 Day Viral Load Test results in relation to my Hepatitis - C treatment. I began with a Viral Load of roughly 110,000. At 30 days I had a load of 10,000! i was so excited!!! I believed that it was indeed possible that I actually might find myself rid of this horrible disease...
Then came my crucial 90 Day Test. If I tested at 0 to 1,000 I would be considered cured for all intensive purposes because the continuing regimen would be sufficient to push it out of my body altogether. Imagine then how I felt when Thursday I actually got a phone call here! My provider told me that my Load had rebounded and then stood at 72,000!!! This despite my chemotherapy!!! Imagine the replication WITHOUT the medications!?
Stress can ruin your chances and as I have related over the last few entries, Rizza and I have been having a rough time of it. I would not be so ignorant as to blame her or any person really for the failure, but I am well aware (aside from what the medical community and especially my providers) of how stress can adversely impact the treatment...
I was taking 1800 units of Pegylated Interferon -B for 3 months, along with 600 mgs of Ribivarin 2 X a day, 7 dats a week. My primary provider, the one that called me said that they expect a triple attack regimen to be approved rather soon and if I elected to i could once again fight the good fight. I have time to decide that issue.
I actually cried after I was alone, thinking how fucked up it is to (probablly) be dying before age 50 when I had avoided all other pitfalls, such as war, major illnesses and a quarter century of opiate/opioid addiction...
I will not be posting "Blood and Gore" entries any more since I think it is rather pointless since pratically noone here ever even considers travelling to Mindanao (D'tergent excepted though, haha) so why put forth all the effort? I am considering starting an offsite blog though, which I will devote at least partially to life in my part of the world and in that venue I will be able to record the ups and downs of this clusterfuck of a war, revolution and outright crime.
I will briefly talk of the issues in general terms. Sadly the NPA (communist guerillas) are ratcheting up their actions in our area. It had been so quiet, almost what one might imagine "normal" to be, until almost 2 weeks ago. A village on the ends of one of our fields was attacked and they killed 3 soldiers, and emptied out the govt. armoury.
Then, they found a 200 man camp 3 kilometers east of us, and less than 2 to out west. In both the camos were empty if personnel (I cannot talk about how this always happens, at least as far as the reasons because "Salvaging," or pro-govt. assasins will take issue. Gee, if my liver does not kill me my mouth will!
To the west, in the Ilaga/Muslim Wars, the govt. pulled an operation like the one they pulled on our area though this time it targetted the MILF (Muslim insurgency) instead of the NPA as was the case in our case.
for more than 2 weeks now not even the UN or NGOS bringing AID are being allowed past the perimster. They are running daily 105 MM Howitzer shelling form 6 AM until 12 PM, and then alternate Infantry Ops with aerial carpet bombings runs, etc and so forth.
It is in Maguindanao and has since spilled over into Cotabato and involves more than 4 infantry Brigades with combined air, armour and artillery elements.
A noteworthy event took place in the Visayan Islands, the group that holds Cebu; Apparently the NPA has began increasing attacks in the Visays, something it really has not done for more than a decade. According to the NPA, and I have to be careful with how I say it, a US Marine was seriously wounded in action against the NPA, which IF true, is adirect violation of the Philippine Constitution. SUPPOSEDLY there is an entire American platoon enmeshed with AFP Reaction Force operating there but again, this is according to the NPA...
Crime wise, the PDEA (the Philippine version of the US DEA) had 3 of its personnel killed as they sout out to eradicate some cannabis plantations in ARMM, the Muslim region of this island. As they left their departure point and began rolling down National Hiway motorcycles with gunmen ridiing behind the operators engaged the ,em.
The PDEA must notify communities before undertaking any Operation here because of the unique dynamic regarding security, insurrections and so on. Unfortunately for them though, that this means they have 0 effectiveness. Oh well...
I have been reading about General Black Jack Pershing who handled pacification of this island just after the US accepted the Spanish surrender of the Philippines in the Bay of Manila, in 1901 (I believe).
To deal with the Muslim Suicide Terrorists (and we thought it began with "Palestinians" did we?) he had a group of them lined up for their execution but then executed all but 2. They were made to watch closely as they rubbed pig entrails all over the men before and after their death. This renders them incapable to enter Paradise. After their deaths, he buried them chopped up and mixed with butchered hogs...He then released the 2 men and ever after, many claim, Pershing did not have to deal with Muslim terrorists. Smart man.
In Israel we use dogs! Arabs (not so much Muslims though many share the attribute) are made to lick them, and many other things that are better left undiscussed. Funny though, we never had Pershing's luck! Then again Pershing's tale is probablly anecdotal.
I will close on that...Over and out...
Stepping through lessons trying to learn Pachabel's "Canon"
The only reason i'm going to bed is that I'm battling to focus.
I got good value on the keyboard, plus access to local forums with lessons and midi files and software to download.
I think this was a good investment!
The only reason i'm going to bed is that I'm battling to focus.
I got good value on the keyboard, plus access to local forums with lessons and midi files and software to download.
I think this was a good investment!
Oh yeah! See I told you. Sean moved his bedroom around so now its almost a mirror image of mine at home. Plus we solved our problem of him playing video games by getting wireless Internet so I would have something to do while he was doing that. It was a big fight but we made up and then he had such a wonderful idea for fixing it. I love him.
So now I REALLY feel at home there. I can SO see us living together and I KNOW without a doubt he has given it a thought. I might want to graduate from college (Next year) and find a job in the psych field. (Does anyone know what the job market is looking like? Is it flooded ATM? What kind of jobs are available? What do you think it will be at the end of 2010? Thanks) But you never know.
If you have kept track of our relationship and that spend 3 or 4 days constantly together at a time and are giving thought to moving in together at some point. Plus he is really trying to improve his situation. He has a big hole to dig himself out of. I REALLY believe I'm part of that. He wants to drive so I don't have to anymore and get his own place. I think the fact that I'm positive and supportive helps SO much, he doesn't really get jackshit in that department from his family. He has also been motivated to keep his room clean, (I'm a pretty neat person and he knows that I like a clean enviornment. It helps me to stress less. Plus I don't have to clean cause then he can't find shit) and he talks a bit more and is more active with his family. He has always avoided them and kept to himself. But at my house we have sit down meals together and the like. He hated it at first but he is better about it because he knows its important to me. Plus his parents really enjoy him acting like part of the family.
I really do spend a lot of time thinking about him. I don't know if I've covered this but he still hasn't told me he loves me. I've been saying it for a long time. Well because I love easy, I just grow to love the person more and more with each passing day. The closest he has gotten to it is comforting me by saying he would never ever replace me, (I was getting paranoid) because he "has grown very fond of me". I'm ok with it. We have moved very fast in our relationship, which personally I think is ok if you are both still comfortable, but it only has been 4 months. I think he was VERY hurt, even cheated on by a girl that he told he loved so he keeps me at a distance. At least that's a guess, he WON'T talk about past relationships...is that a bad thing at all? He says that he is hesitant to let me in because I can make him second guess with my behavior. I know I can, hopefully I can change that stuff, but I can't blame him.
I had been pretty worried about our relationship, even thinking that maybe we should breakup. We had kinda lost that spark and he wasn't talking to me at all or being affectionate (our sex life is still way down. I know that's a lil normal but what can I do to get "in the mood" when I'm not? I'm watching a movie sometimes (I HATE to not see the end of a movie!) when he is int he mood and that doesn't help....). But its gotten better since I started watching what I say when I'm high so I'm not a complete and total bitch. Also initiating the affection by hugging him or asking for a kiss works. It is SO nice to get a hug from him! I tried to explain it to him but he didn't get it. The way he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight makes me feel SO loved. (So does everyone have this? Is it real real real love? )
Perhaps THAT is it. oh god its 5:30 in the morning, I haven't slept yet (BL and I wanted to enjoy my high) and I have to be up at 8am. FUCK. I WILL need Tramadol to make it through work. Damn it! only 2 days on it and 2 days on the stuff with codeine and I'll have to bump up to 400mg. I will have those eaten in no time and I really shouldn't smuggle more (have to go to great lengths to make sure the parents don't intercept it. Damn I need my own place!) in since I had to put 2 new tires on my car.
I had one explode when Sean was filling it up for me. He takes care of me. Cars aren't my thing AT ALL. I'm not TOTALLY useless but I don't really know a whole lot at all. He exchanged the tires without a single complaint (Likely he knew I can't) . It really stressed me out and I don't know what I would have done without him.
I have such a WONDERFUL boyfriend! I really hope that I can see him this weekend (I love just sleeping in the same bed as him even if he rolls around and keeps me up; Ambien ) and we have a great weekend. Any ideas of some things that we can do that aren't $$, that can be memorable and give us back that wonderful spark again?
Thanks for reading guys. I my BLers.
So now I REALLY feel at home there. I can SO see us living together and I KNOW without a doubt he has given it a thought. I might want to graduate from college (Next year) and find a job in the psych field. (Does anyone know what the job market is looking like? Is it flooded ATM? What kind of jobs are available? What do you think it will be at the end of 2010? Thanks) But you never know.
If you have kept track of our relationship and that spend 3 or 4 days constantly together at a time and are giving thought to moving in together at some point. Plus he is really trying to improve his situation. He has a big hole to dig himself out of. I REALLY believe I'm part of that. He wants to drive so I don't have to anymore and get his own place. I think the fact that I'm positive and supportive helps SO much, he doesn't really get jackshit in that department from his family. He has also been motivated to keep his room clean, (I'm a pretty neat person and he knows that I like a clean enviornment. It helps me to stress less. Plus I don't have to clean cause then he can't find shit) and he talks a bit more and is more active with his family. He has always avoided them and kept to himself. But at my house we have sit down meals together and the like. He hated it at first but he is better about it because he knows its important to me. Plus his parents really enjoy him acting like part of the family.
I really do spend a lot of time thinking about him. I don't know if I've covered this but he still hasn't told me he loves me. I've been saying it for a long time. Well because I love easy, I just grow to love the person more and more with each passing day. The closest he has gotten to it is comforting me by saying he would never ever replace me, (I was getting paranoid) because he "has grown very fond of me". I'm ok with it. We have moved very fast in our relationship, which personally I think is ok if you are both still comfortable, but it only has been 4 months. I think he was VERY hurt, even cheated on by a girl that he told he loved so he keeps me at a distance. At least that's a guess, he WON'T talk about past relationships...is that a bad thing at all? He says that he is hesitant to let me in because I can make him second guess with my behavior. I know I can, hopefully I can change that stuff, but I can't blame him.
I had been pretty worried about our relationship, even thinking that maybe we should breakup. We had kinda lost that spark and he wasn't talking to me at all or being affectionate (our sex life is still way down. I know that's a lil normal but what can I do to get "in the mood" when I'm not? I'm watching a movie sometimes (I HATE to not see the end of a movie!) when he is int he mood and that doesn't help....). But its gotten better since I started watching what I say when I'm high so I'm not a complete and total bitch. Also initiating the affection by hugging him or asking for a kiss works. It is SO nice to get a hug from him! I tried to explain it to him but he didn't get it. The way he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight makes me feel SO loved. (So does everyone have this? Is it real real real love?
) Perhaps THAT is it. oh god its 5:30 in the morning, I haven't slept yet (BL and I wanted to enjoy my high) and I have to be up at 8am. FUCK. I WILL need Tramadol to make it through work. Damn it! only 2 days on it and 2 days on the stuff with codeine and I'll have to bump up to 400mg. I will have those eaten in no time and I really shouldn't smuggle more (have to go to great lengths to make sure the parents don't intercept it. Damn I need my own place!) in since I had to put 2 new tires on my car.
I had one explode when Sean was filling it up for me. He takes care of me. Cars aren't my thing AT ALL. I'm not TOTALLY useless but I don't really know a whole lot at all. He exchanged the tires without a single complaint (Likely he knew I can't) . It really stressed me out and I don't know what I would have done without him.
I have such a WONDERFUL
boyfriend! I really hope that I can see him this weekend (I love just sleeping in the same bed as him even if he rolls around and keeps me up; Ambien ) and we have a great weekend. Any ideas of some things that we can do that aren't $$, that can be memorable and give us back that wonderful spark again? Thanks for reading guys. I
my BLers.
It seems that I spend more time THINKING about writing a blog than actually doing it. I had been thinking about it for oh a week or even more now. But a lot of it had been resolved now anyway. Perhaps thinking about it is a good way for me to work through it in my head.
But the present topic isn't something I feel that can resolve right now or get anywhere milling it over in my head. I will just end up hating myself more.
I am the most worthless piece of shit ever fucking made.
Yes this is how I talk to myself. I can't remember when I didn't. I've been told that you can overcome automatic thoughts like that but I've had no luck. Likely Sean wouldn't like it if he knew. He had covered the mirror in this room with a blanket so I would quit saying negative things about myself. He often makes me feel better about myself though.
My current situation, well I've been informed that I'm really rather a self-absorbed, attention whore that needs to annoy and frustrate people because I have to be the center of attention until they end up disliking me.
I thought that since I had done SO SO much work on trying to make myself better that I had changed, especially with my BL conduct. Apparently I'm fucking hopeless.
I kinda feel like cutting after a month and a half of not doing it to punish myself for being like that. But I'm high so I doubt I will.
I guess people don't really understand but also perhaps that's a cop out on my part. I wouldn't even say self-absorbed is the right term. IF I have to use one I might say, self-concerned. I really just don't feel very good about myself and sometimes, at least tonight, that people don't like me, even perhaps pretend they do. I would HATE for people to be secretly thinking, "She is such a ...." "God, I fucking hate her!"
That REALLY hurts me. For SOME stupid reason I feel the need for everyone to like me. Its like, if they don't, there is something wrong with me and if I can I need to change it. Even though I know its not possible for EVERYONE to like me.
The people involved in this are welcome to comment.....good or bad.
I REALLY try to be a good, honest, sympathetic, understanding, kinda person that people would like and believe those are the things that are going to make me a good counselor. Plus my "purpose in life" to help other people not suffer like I did." But now I feel like a total waste of a person. It doesn't matter how much I try I'm never going to be good enough. Shit, I'm NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER ever good enough. Story of my motherfucking life. Kinda makes me think I certainly don't even deserve Sean or to be happy. Fucking worthless.
I try to be a productive part of BL, not just your usual drug induced jabber. Not to say that MOST people do that or anything. But I want to contribute worth while but maybe I don't. Maybe I should keep to myself more rather than making a total ass out of myself.
I don't share a lot of my personal thoughts, feelings and life issues on BL anymore. Since the things that had happened and the whole Redlight thing I pretty much have lost all trust in BL as well as non-drugs related feedback. I am well aware that it may be just the fact that they are very blunt sometimes or are telling me things that I'm not ready to hear. I'm extremely sensitive (such a horrible fucking curse, I wish I could just harden up but I don't even know where to fucking start) so I have to protect myself from undo harmful emotional pain, especially when its just on the Internet.
This is pretty much the only place that I can be very open and talk about my drug use. I've been high, every single day since Monday when I picked up my scripts. It seems once I start I will look for ANY excuse to use it. " I have a more muscle, must have lifted something at work." I have a crick in my neck, that's going to be rough later." "I'm bored." "I have to work early today and Tramadol helps me get more done." I know that I'll be high tomorrow. I've pretty much given up trying not to. I don't know if I can't not do it if I have it with me. I had tried to save the barbs and codeine just for pain, but then I didn't bring the Tramadol so I decided to pop the other because my arm hurt a little. I redose because I NEVER want to come down. Comedowns kinda suck anyway. I get all tired.
I really haven't told Sean about the amount of use. Now, its not like I'm lying about it. I would never do that. But when he asked me when I was talking about the drugs, "Did you take Tramadol?" "No." But I didn't tell him that I took the barbs and codeine. He thinks he can ALWAYS tell when I'm high. I don't know that he can though. I've been trying to keep my behavior in check. He can tell sometimes because on Tramadol, I usually won't shut the fuck up and ask a lot of what he considers stupid questions (I think they are random but not really stupid, he just doesn't care.). On the Fioricet with barbs, codeine and caffeine, the caffeine kicks in and I can't sit still for the life of me. I may talk a lot too. I know I do shit really fast. I broke some of my favorite stuff today because I tried to move stuff when I was high on it. Also, the barbs suppresses the CNS so much that I will stumble around like I'm drunk. Which sucks. My mom has a shit fit because she assumes that and her dad is an alcoholic. I noticed it when I was driving home from school. I had trouble staying off the lines sometimes. I prayed I wouldn't get pulled over, although I had the pills with me so I likely could get out of it since they are scripted.
With both of them lately I get really fucking irritable. I get irritated SO easy. I mean if someone just coughs when I'm trying to listen to something I wanna smack them. Plus really bitchy. I try to watch what I say so that I don't piss Sean off by being a bitch. I did ok the other day, only pissed him off once because I was being "whiny".
I'm starting to worry about my use though. I go through the pills like skittles. I go through my months supply in a couple weeks and then I'm fucked. When I'm suffering from the unbearable pain I have NOTHING!! Last time when I was out, I hurt SO fucking bad that I was crying and asked my mom to take me to the ER, which she said no because she has no idea how much it hurts!
I have severe headaches that feel that someone pistol whipped me. Pain in my temples, sinuses, and at the base of my skull (the last one is the worst!). And there is nothing I can really do to help and Sean gets so frustrated cause I keep complaining with nothing he can do to help. They have done an MRI to see if there is blockage or something but all it showed was ANOTHER sinus infection, but of course that cleared up. the best product I have found is Simply Saline, saline solution to fill you sinuses contained at high pressure. But I'm pretty sure this amount of suffering isn't normal so if you have any ideas please let me know.
ANYWAY, I go through my pills so fast, high everyday and never high enough. Would even wondering if maybe just WONDERING if I'm starting to develop a problem is a sign that there might be. Gonna be high again in 3 hours. Kinda need it since I stayed up to catch up on BL. JEEZ This place has been busy as hell. Any ideas why there is suddenly so much traffic?
I can't believe that my blogs end up being so damn long when I don't mean to. Even when I don't think I hardly have anything to talk about. I post here so I can get stuff related to BL, my relationship and drugs out. But I make it public rather than private in the hopes that I can get some constructive feedback (Thanks Spork for being so good about that.) but perhaps there I go again wanting my life to be all important, me the center of the universe, attention whore.
I kinda made a list of all the stupid choices I've made in my life. WOW, there is a lot of stupid fucking shit! I can't believe I was so dumb and I'm sure there will be more. I guess really looking at it, I turned out better than I could have. With having depression and BPD its nice to think that I could have been more fucked up than I already am...
Well I can't find it. I'll have to post it when it shows up under "New posts", unless someone wants to give me the link. I couldn't choose so I had a whole list. Quite a bit relate to some dark, rough times. Suicide attempts, abuse and rape....I didn't know it was rape at the time but now that I'm older I have learned that if I couldn't give n consent it was rape. Although most people don't apply that to drunk sex, but I was 16 YEARS OLD! Guys twice my age and sober. They should burn in hell! Ok, breathe. What do you guys think? Thats rape in your mind right?
Well I THINK that is about it....I'll likely think of something else. The question is will I be motivated to write it, then again why bother if I'm just milling and no one read it. -I am NOT the most important person on BL- shit well that's for damn fucking sure. Yeah I know I'm negative as fuck but I kinda hate myself more than I had been. (I was getting a little better with Sean being positive, encouraging and telling me nice things. What a wonderful BF.)
But the present topic isn't something I feel that can resolve right now or get anywhere milling it over in my head. I will just end up hating myself more.
I am the most worthless piece of shit ever fucking made.
Yes this is how I talk to myself. I can't remember when I didn't. I've been told that you can overcome automatic thoughts like that but I've had no luck. Likely Sean wouldn't like it if he knew. He had covered the mirror in this room with a blanket so I would quit saying negative things about myself. He often makes me feel better about myself though.
My current situation, well I've been informed that I'm really rather a self-absorbed, attention whore that needs to annoy and frustrate people because I have to be the center of attention until they end up disliking me.
I thought that since I had done SO SO much work on trying to make myself better that I had changed, especially with my BL conduct. Apparently I'm fucking hopeless.
I kinda feel like cutting after a month and a half of not doing it to punish myself for being like that. But I'm high so I doubt I will. I guess people don't really understand but also perhaps that's a cop out on my part. I wouldn't even say self-absorbed is the right term. IF I have to use one I might say, self-concerned. I really just don't feel very good about myself and sometimes, at least tonight, that people don't like me, even perhaps pretend they do. I would HATE for people to be secretly thinking, "She is such a ...." "God, I fucking hate her!"
That REALLY hurts me. For SOME stupid reason I feel the need for everyone to like me. Its like, if they don't, there is something wrong with me and if I can I need to change it. Even though I know its not possible for EVERYONE to like me.
The people involved in this are welcome to comment.....good or bad.
I REALLY try to be a good, honest, sympathetic, understanding, kinda person that people would like and believe those are the things that are going to make me a good counselor. Plus my "purpose in life" to help other people not suffer like I did." But now I feel like a total waste of a person. It doesn't matter how much I try I'm never going to be good enough. Shit, I'm NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER ever good enough. Story of my motherfucking life. Kinda makes me think I certainly don't even deserve Sean or to be happy. Fucking worthless.
I try to be a productive part of BL, not just your usual drug induced jabber. Not to say that MOST people do that or anything. But I want to contribute worth while but maybe I don't. Maybe I should keep to myself more rather than making a total ass out of myself.
I don't share a lot of my personal thoughts, feelings and life issues on BL anymore. Since the things that had happened and the whole Redlight thing I pretty much have lost all trust in BL as well as non-drugs related feedback. I am well aware that it may be just the fact that they are very blunt sometimes or are telling me things that I'm not ready to hear. I'm extremely sensitive (such a horrible fucking curse, I wish I could just harden up but I don't even know where to fucking start) so I have to protect myself from undo harmful emotional pain, especially when its just on the Internet.
This is pretty much the only place that I can be very open and talk about my drug use. I've been high, every single day since Monday when I picked up my scripts. It seems once I start I will look for ANY excuse to use it. " I have a more muscle, must have lifted something at work." I have a crick in my neck, that's going to be rough later." "I'm bored." "I have to work early today and Tramadol helps me get more done." I know that I'll be high tomorrow. I've pretty much given up trying not to. I don't know if I can't not do it if I have it with me. I had tried to save the barbs and codeine just for pain, but then I didn't bring the Tramadol so I decided to pop the other because my arm hurt a little. I redose because I NEVER want to come down. Comedowns kinda suck anyway. I get all tired.
I really haven't told Sean about the amount of use. Now, its not like I'm lying about it. I would never do that. But when he asked me when I was talking about the drugs, "Did you take Tramadol?" "No." But I didn't tell him that I took the barbs and codeine. He thinks he can ALWAYS tell when I'm high. I don't know that he can though. I've been trying to keep my behavior in check. He can tell sometimes because on Tramadol, I usually won't shut the fuck up and ask a lot of what he considers stupid questions (I think they are random but not really stupid, he just doesn't care.). On the Fioricet with barbs, codeine and caffeine, the caffeine kicks in and I can't sit still for the life of me. I may talk a lot too. I know I do shit really fast. I broke some of my favorite stuff today because I tried to move stuff when I was high on it. Also, the barbs suppresses the CNS so much that I will stumble around like I'm drunk. Which sucks. My mom has a shit fit because she assumes that and her dad is an alcoholic. I noticed it when I was driving home from school. I had trouble staying off the lines sometimes. I prayed I wouldn't get pulled over, although I had the pills with me so I likely could get out of it since they are scripted.
With both of them lately I get really fucking irritable. I get irritated SO easy. I mean if someone just coughs when I'm trying to listen to something I wanna smack them. Plus really bitchy. I try to watch what I say so that I don't piss Sean off by being a bitch. I did ok the other day, only pissed him off once because I was being "whiny".
I'm starting to worry about my use though. I go through the pills like skittles. I go through my months supply in a couple weeks and then I'm fucked. When I'm suffering from the unbearable pain I have NOTHING!! Last time when I was out, I hurt SO fucking bad that I was crying and asked my mom to take me to the ER, which she said no because she has no idea how much it hurts!
I have severe headaches that feel that someone pistol whipped me. Pain in my temples, sinuses, and at the base of my skull (the last one is the worst!). And there is nothing I can really do to help and Sean gets so frustrated cause I keep complaining with nothing he can do to help. They have done an MRI to see if there is blockage or something but all it showed was ANOTHER sinus infection, but of course that cleared up. the best product I have found is Simply Saline, saline solution to fill you sinuses contained at high pressure. But I'm pretty sure this amount of suffering isn't normal so if you have any ideas please let me know.
ANYWAY, I go through my pills so fast, high everyday and never high enough. Would even wondering if maybe just WONDERING if I'm starting to develop a problem is a sign that there might be. Gonna be high again in 3 hours. Kinda need it since I stayed up to catch up on BL. JEEZ This place has been busy as hell. Any ideas why there is suddenly so much traffic?
I can't believe that my blogs end up being so damn long when I don't mean to. Even when I don't think I hardly have anything to talk about. I post here so I can get stuff related to BL, my relationship and drugs out. But I make it public rather than private in the hopes that I can get some constructive feedback (Thanks Spork for being so good about that.) but perhaps there I go again wanting my life to be all important, me the center of the universe, attention whore.
I kinda made a list of all the stupid choices I've made in my life. WOW, there is a lot of stupid fucking shit! I can't believe I was so dumb and I'm sure there will be more. I guess really looking at it, I turned out better than I could have. With having depression and BPD its nice to think that I could have been more fucked up than I already am...
Well I can't find it. I'll have to post it when it shows up under "New posts", unless someone wants to give me the link. I couldn't choose so I had a whole list. Quite a bit relate to some dark, rough times. Suicide attempts, abuse and rape....I didn't know it was rape at the time but now that I'm older I have learned that if I couldn't give n consent it was rape. Although most people don't apply that to drunk sex, but I was 16 YEARS OLD! Guys twice my age and sober. They should burn in hell! Ok, breathe. What do you guys think? Thats rape in your mind right?
Well I THINK that is about it....I'll likely think of something else. The question is will I be motivated to write it, then again why bother if I'm just milling and no one read it. -I am NOT the most important person on BL- shit well that's for damn fucking sure. Yeah I know I'm negative as fuck but I kinda hate myself more than I had been. (I was getting a little better with Sean being positive, encouraging and telling me nice things. What a wonderful BF.)
So the depression is back big time, at killer force. It's not just coming down and knowing I have to face and deal with W/D's, but it's this fucking stack of mail piled up, and these 9 or 50 million fucking phone calls from work and whoever I guess. Fuckin Christ all I wanted was one lousy fucking mini vacation to get some peace from the endless drone of work with only Mon and Wed off. Even though I made arrangements to be off way ahead of time, the fact that both the lady and the company apparently forgot about this means problems, but what the consequences are gonna be I don't know yet. I don't know why depression seems so brutal having to deal with relatively simple things, although it's the fear I put into it, not knowing what irritating obstacles are gonna crop up to make life more unpleasant than it already is on top of the chemical issues.
I just want to be left alone from the world and not have to deal with this bullshit. Mom is right, I haven't been myself ever since the nightmare with the Tramadol began and now this. Still, on the other hand I still had to live with that other fucking 240 lbs nightmare during the time I was sober and I actually feel like a person instead of a glob of fucking fat walking around, no matter how hard I dicked around with Weight Watchers or the Atkins Diet. The fucking shit just didn't want to come off! I had asked numerous times too for God to please remove the obsession with food the way He did with drugs when I was clean. For whatever reason, that never happened, but fuck me I'll do ANYTHING to keep from gaining back any of the weight I lost, which is about 45 no correct me, 53 lbs as of now. Christ I'm down to 187 lbs, which is not thin by any means but that's 8 fucking lbs in 2 days whoa!
I swear it blows me away that on my own, it was a huge struggle to take off 30 lbs, then it just went right back on, so you know what? I"m fucking tired of this BULLSHIT! I have been eating every day, but not much. My meals range anywhere from one tiny TV dinner a day or 2 sugar free jellos and a TV dinner or some crackers, a banana, and a small TV dinner. In any case it's working. I'm finally back down 2 lbs less than my original overweight size 13 years ago. I had signed up for the diet pill program, but hadn't done speed in 3 yrs for lack of connections, so the pills did work and I did have a specific meal plan I stuck to. I had weighed in at 189 lbs and remember feeling absolutely mortified and astonished I had become that big, but now Christ even if I have to stay at this weight for the rest of my life, as long as I don't get any bigger, I'll be a happy camper. 5 fucking 3 lbs of lard finally gone. Even though I'm strung out on dope, I think it's worth it just to be rid of that.
Not, mind you, that it is going to be anywhere near remotely possible to carry on this habit full time. That's the fucked up problem I'm faced with now. Sigh. Life seems so hopelessly like a goddamned obstacle course sometimes.
I just want to be left alone from the world and not have to deal with this bullshit. Mom is right, I haven't been myself ever since the nightmare with the Tramadol began and now this. Still, on the other hand I still had to live with that other fucking 240 lbs nightmare during the time I was sober and I actually feel like a person instead of a glob of fucking fat walking around, no matter how hard I dicked around with Weight Watchers or the Atkins Diet. The fucking shit just didn't want to come off! I had asked numerous times too for God to please remove the obsession with food the way He did with drugs when I was clean. For whatever reason, that never happened, but fuck me I'll do ANYTHING to keep from gaining back any of the weight I lost, which is about 45 no correct me, 53 lbs as of now. Christ I'm down to 187 lbs, which is not thin by any means but that's 8 fucking lbs in 2 days whoa!
I swear it blows me away that on my own, it was a huge struggle to take off 30 lbs, then it just went right back on, so you know what? I"m fucking tired of this BULLSHIT! I have been eating every day, but not much. My meals range anywhere from one tiny TV dinner a day or 2 sugar free jellos and a TV dinner or some crackers, a banana, and a small TV dinner. In any case it's working. I'm finally back down 2 lbs less than my original overweight size 13 years ago. I had signed up for the diet pill program, but hadn't done speed in 3 yrs for lack of connections, so the pills did work and I did have a specific meal plan I stuck to. I had weighed in at 189 lbs and remember feeling absolutely mortified and astonished I had become that big, but now Christ even if I have to stay at this weight for the rest of my life, as long as I don't get any bigger, I'll be a happy camper. 5 fucking 3 lbs of lard finally gone. Even though I'm strung out on dope, I think it's worth it just to be rid of that.
Not, mind you, that it is going to be anywhere near remotely possible to carry on this habit full time. That's the fucked up problem I'm faced with now. Sigh. Life seems so hopelessly like a goddamned obstacle course sometimes.
There used to be different on line addict friends I could talk to. I wonder what ever happened to Dr. Black? There was Jim from Maryland who disappeared off the face of the earth. I had Dubby to talk to until he no longer used the pc. There was Rob, but he's being a good boy now, except for his painkillers. There was Bobby, God knows what ever happened to him? Probably in and out of jails and tweeker pads. When yahoo deleted several of my accounts due to drug content on my group sites, I lost some yahoo ID friends forever. There is this new dude I saw and spoke to very briefly several times on line, joeyboy9slams. He is a gay guy that apparently likes to slam 1/4 gram of good shit, then go on cam and let every horny gay guy watch him either getting himself off or 7 other guys. I don't mind talking, but am not really interested in watching him fuck himself up the ass on cam.
Whatever makes him happy, but I miss being able to talk to different users, now all my friends have gone away and I am left all alone. No one to talk to anymore, except for this blog. I really started to feel the come down, so I decided to do my last hit. I'm in dire need of a new needle, as the one I do have is incredibly fucking dull and thats terrible for your veins. I only got one left that's easy to hit. The one on my right arm used to be easy, but it's not now. Aimee, bless her heart, whenever I'm at her place can always hit the hard vein, but it's damn near impossible, as this time I hit, registered, then started pushing in the juice, but it became a miss and I couldn't get it to reregister. FUCK! Wasted half a hit right there. So went back to old faithful, got the other half and started to feel less depressed, but damn it I could of used the whole hit.
Although I haven't listened to all my messages, those 9 I thought were from work were all from fuckin Johnny, Aimee's ex. Fuckin Johnny. He is one persistent fucker who doesn't give up. Johnny like me finished what turned into an 18 month program of drug court so he was clean for a little over a year, but like yours truly, he's baaaaaaack. I did call him back and he wanted to know if I wanted to go to his place and do some shit, but I declined. Once I'm intoxicated, unless I have no choice but to leave wherever I'm at, I don't leave. I avoid driving at all costs because even though the car is perfectly legal in every way and I'm actually a legit driver on the road, unlike some people, I can't drive on the shit because I get serious panick attacks. It's weird because I have no problem driving after taking a couple pain pills, as they are a low grade buzz and they mellow me out.
I did talk to Debbie via email a few times. She I guess is now an ex meth user. She was still using after I got clean, then apparently she had a heart attack 4 months after her last use of meth, so no more partying for her. I had emailed her asking too if by some miracle I did make it out to Dublin again, is the invite to crash at her place for 3 days still open? Yes, she said it was all good. I spoke to Tom aka Dubby on the phone, a fellow addict that although no longer has a pc, I keep in touch with him every few months. Last I heard he was shooting morphine, heroin, and doing his 120 of dilaudid every month, but the Dr he was getting his Rx from for years got paranoid, cut him off, and sent him to a methadone program. So, now I guess he's doing ok, he only gets methadone other than stray pills here and there, and no doubt his pot. I hope he gave up the alcohol, as I forgot to mention drinking alcohol stops the absorption of methadone, guaranting dope sickness.
I used to have some killer meth clubs, but the good ones are gone, so again, I'm all alone these days with no one to talk to except for this blog. Sigh. Therefore, that's what I have to make do with, but I wish I had my friends back. Of course there is Erik and my ex sugar daddy, but I can't count them because I never really get to talk to them. I didn't do my acid today because I felt a sense of angst all damn day and saddness. I'm feeling it again now because that 1/2 hit wasn't enough, I need more. I guess I'll take 3 painkillers, maybe even take 1/2 of acid, I don't know. I'm feeling afraid cause of the money thing, so I'll have to get on the phone with the bank later in the morning. Getting the constant emails and IMs from Brendan is nice, but it makes me sad when I think about the fact that if he knew my double life, he wouldn't talk to me anymore. He's an addict every bit as much as I am, only his is to sex and affairs. The other thing is every one of his emails although dosed with sugary sweetness, it's ALWAYS about sex. So, if the sex were taken away, would he even be bothered talking to me?
He says he loves my mind, which in his way of thinking he does. He appreciates I'm a hopeless romantic, just like he is and I am able to carry on a conversation in and out of bed, plus I am creative in the bedroom and able to write about different fantasies and "what ifs" "would u try this?" or "picture this scenario." I'm sure even for guys, it's hard to find a woman that has these qualities and although sex may be the primary objective for the guy, if lacking in imagination and personality, even the sex would be rather boring. So, that is what I think he means when he says he loves my mind. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad someone appreciates that side of me, as I have no one to share that with that's available, haven't for a long time. However, if for some reason one of us could no longer have sex, would he even be talking to me? What would there be left for him to discuss from his point of view? We're from 2 completely different worlds. I come from one of constant financial struggling, whereas he had a 6 digit income, recently cut off his company with a 2 year severance package.
He's this total respectable Mr. Corporate man and I'm an underpaid nurse that settles for lower level positions in order to avoid heavy responsibility. Outside of his work and his affairs, occasional football and beer, perhaps upper scale mandatory corporate parties accompanied by his respectable wife on his arm, and me? LOL. Chems, low level job, poverty, writing, and hanging out with dope fiends in the local party pad. We're as opposite as night and day. So there you have it. This is why when and if forced to choose, I'll always choose friends over boyfriends or affairs. The reason? My entire life aside from my family, the only relationships that last are my friends. Affairs and boyfriends are brief, then they are gone. Even though I almost got married to Erik, I consider him a friend, because he's there for the long haul, although from a distance. I just received another IM from Joey informing me and 10 guys he's gonna do another 1/4 gram hit then get messed up on cam.
Lucky him. I'm feeling fucking sad an alienated right now. God if only I could fix my fucking self! Even 2 years of vigilant NA step work and sobriety didn't do a damn thing for the weight issue and fuck now I'm confused as hell, I'm not sure I even know what the fuck I want or how to go about it anymore. That's not exactly true, I do know what I want, but right now that is unnattainable for me. Why can't there be a permanent lasting chemical I can take that will maintain a low level dose of serenity? The depression is back full force, I love the highs, but hate the pain. Even being clean there was the saddness at looking like a pig and having to resign myself to the fact I'd never get another chance at romance or even sex because I was too ashamed to take my clothes off in front of anyone, especially a guy, not even Erik. He would of still loved me as a friend, but that's all I could offer, plus to be honest, I really didn't want him to see me the way I was, as he had an eye and a taste for beauty, which I certainly understand, and my beauty had gone.
Now is a different story. While by no means thin, everyone seems to think I've got this gorgeous body and I'm glad they think that, but most important, I'm more glad about how I feel. Sometime beginning 6 wks ago, the night I relapsed on X, this process of beginning to accept my body as it was, and the self body hatred to leave had started. Brendan helped, then Aimee and the dope fiends were a HUGE help, then over 6 wks 50 lbs sort of dropped off. Fuckin meth sure worked fast, I can't believe it. So, God help me I've got to be careful and at this point, although I know what I intend to do and what I should do, there's a possibility I may not have to worry about the weight so much as the dope. I get so frustrated with life sometimes I just want to check out. Fuck this party, I'm outa here. I feel trapped. I'm so fucked and I can't seem to stop the train wreck.
Whatever makes him happy, but I miss being able to talk to different users, now all my friends have gone away and I am left all alone. No one to talk to anymore, except for this blog. I really started to feel the come down, so I decided to do my last hit. I'm in dire need of a new needle, as the one I do have is incredibly fucking dull and thats terrible for your veins. I only got one left that's easy to hit. The one on my right arm used to be easy, but it's not now. Aimee, bless her heart, whenever I'm at her place can always hit the hard vein, but it's damn near impossible, as this time I hit, registered, then started pushing in the juice, but it became a miss and I couldn't get it to reregister. FUCK! Wasted half a hit right there. So went back to old faithful, got the other half and started to feel less depressed, but damn it I could of used the whole hit.
Although I haven't listened to all my messages, those 9 I thought were from work were all from fuckin Johnny, Aimee's ex. Fuckin Johnny. He is one persistent fucker who doesn't give up. Johnny like me finished what turned into an 18 month program of drug court so he was clean for a little over a year, but like yours truly, he's baaaaaaack. I did call him back and he wanted to know if I wanted to go to his place and do some shit, but I declined. Once I'm intoxicated, unless I have no choice but to leave wherever I'm at, I don't leave. I avoid driving at all costs because even though the car is perfectly legal in every way and I'm actually a legit driver on the road, unlike some people, I can't drive on the shit because I get serious panick attacks. It's weird because I have no problem driving after taking a couple pain pills, as they are a low grade buzz and they mellow me out.
I did talk to Debbie via email a few times. She I guess is now an ex meth user. She was still using after I got clean, then apparently she had a heart attack 4 months after her last use of meth, so no more partying for her. I had emailed her asking too if by some miracle I did make it out to Dublin again, is the invite to crash at her place for 3 days still open? Yes, she said it was all good. I spoke to Tom aka Dubby on the phone, a fellow addict that although no longer has a pc, I keep in touch with him every few months. Last I heard he was shooting morphine, heroin, and doing his 120 of dilaudid every month, but the Dr he was getting his Rx from for years got paranoid, cut him off, and sent him to a methadone program. So, now I guess he's doing ok, he only gets methadone other than stray pills here and there, and no doubt his pot. I hope he gave up the alcohol, as I forgot to mention drinking alcohol stops the absorption of methadone, guaranting dope sickness.
I used to have some killer meth clubs, but the good ones are gone, so again, I'm all alone these days with no one to talk to except for this blog. Sigh. Therefore, that's what I have to make do with, but I wish I had my friends back. Of course there is Erik and my ex sugar daddy, but I can't count them because I never really get to talk to them. I didn't do my acid today because I felt a sense of angst all damn day and saddness. I'm feeling it again now because that 1/2 hit wasn't enough, I need more. I guess I'll take 3 painkillers, maybe even take 1/2 of acid, I don't know. I'm feeling afraid cause of the money thing, so I'll have to get on the phone with the bank later in the morning. Getting the constant emails and IMs from Brendan is nice, but it makes me sad when I think about the fact that if he knew my double life, he wouldn't talk to me anymore. He's an addict every bit as much as I am, only his is to sex and affairs. The other thing is every one of his emails although dosed with sugary sweetness, it's ALWAYS about sex. So, if the sex were taken away, would he even be bothered talking to me?
He says he loves my mind, which in his way of thinking he does. He appreciates I'm a hopeless romantic, just like he is and I am able to carry on a conversation in and out of bed, plus I am creative in the bedroom and able to write about different fantasies and "what ifs" "would u try this?" or "picture this scenario." I'm sure even for guys, it's hard to find a woman that has these qualities and although sex may be the primary objective for the guy, if lacking in imagination and personality, even the sex would be rather boring. So, that is what I think he means when he says he loves my mind. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad someone appreciates that side of me, as I have no one to share that with that's available, haven't for a long time. However, if for some reason one of us could no longer have sex, would he even be talking to me? What would there be left for him to discuss from his point of view? We're from 2 completely different worlds. I come from one of constant financial struggling, whereas he had a 6 digit income, recently cut off his company with a 2 year severance package.
He's this total respectable Mr. Corporate man and I'm an underpaid nurse that settles for lower level positions in order to avoid heavy responsibility. Outside of his work and his affairs, occasional football and beer, perhaps upper scale mandatory corporate parties accompanied by his respectable wife on his arm, and me? LOL. Chems, low level job, poverty, writing, and hanging out with dope fiends in the local party pad. We're as opposite as night and day. So there you have it. This is why when and if forced to choose, I'll always choose friends over boyfriends or affairs. The reason? My entire life aside from my family, the only relationships that last are my friends. Affairs and boyfriends are brief, then they are gone. Even though I almost got married to Erik, I consider him a friend, because he's there for the long haul, although from a distance. I just received another IM from Joey informing me and 10 guys he's gonna do another 1/4 gram hit then get messed up on cam.
Lucky him. I'm feeling fucking sad an alienated right now. God if only I could fix my fucking self! Even 2 years of vigilant NA step work and sobriety didn't do a damn thing for the weight issue and fuck now I'm confused as hell, I'm not sure I even know what the fuck I want or how to go about it anymore. That's not exactly true, I do know what I want, but right now that is unnattainable for me. Why can't there be a permanent lasting chemical I can take that will maintain a low level dose of serenity? The depression is back full force, I love the highs, but hate the pain. Even being clean there was the saddness at looking like a pig and having to resign myself to the fact I'd never get another chance at romance or even sex because I was too ashamed to take my clothes off in front of anyone, especially a guy, not even Erik. He would of still loved me as a friend, but that's all I could offer, plus to be honest, I really didn't want him to see me the way I was, as he had an eye and a taste for beauty, which I certainly understand, and my beauty had gone.
Now is a different story. While by no means thin, everyone seems to think I've got this gorgeous body and I'm glad they think that, but most important, I'm more glad about how I feel. Sometime beginning 6 wks ago, the night I relapsed on X, this process of beginning to accept my body as it was, and the self body hatred to leave had started. Brendan helped, then Aimee and the dope fiends were a HUGE help, then over 6 wks 50 lbs sort of dropped off. Fuckin meth sure worked fast, I can't believe it. So, God help me I've got to be careful and at this point, although I know what I intend to do and what I should do, there's a possibility I may not have to worry about the weight so much as the dope. I get so frustrated with life sometimes I just want to check out. Fuck this party, I'm outa here. I feel trapped. I'm so fucked and I can't seem to stop the train wreck.
Drugs I've Had only once...
Clonazepam ate them before a Pangea open mic
Hydromorphone 4mg Dilaudid, shot, powerful depressant
Crack/cocaine smoked two hits
DXM took a low threshold dose, was afraid to delve into more without a proper trip sitter
Clonazepam ate them before a Pangea open mic
Hydromorphone 4mg Dilaudid, shot, powerful depressant
Crack/cocaine smoked two hits
DXM took a low threshold dose, was afraid to delve into more without a proper trip sitter
i'm obsessed with perspective recently. about drawing things that have depth, and lines and vectors that lead towards (and away) from me, the artist.
i'll post some sketches tomorrow
i'll post some sketches tomorrow
The film is entitled: "Fail Phone."
Here is a shot of the subject of my film, and no it is not a Blackjack I or II you idiots so I hate you in advance for assuming so:
The video quality of this film is not bad for artistic reasons, it is because I shot it on another phone made of faggotry: the LG Incite. More on this steaming piece of shit later, in another post, to illustrate it's utter faggotry in another outstanding documentary film.
Here is a shot of the subject of my film, and no it is not a Blackjack I or II you idiots so I hate you in advance for assuming so:
The video quality of this film is not bad for artistic reasons, it is because I shot it on another phone made of faggotry: the LG Incite. More on this steaming piece of shit later, in another post, to illustrate it's utter faggotry in another outstanding documentary film.
JUST ANNOUNCED...Rolling will be back in L.A. on SAT 5/23 at 8pm at Cinespace in Hollywood.
After the movie there will be a DJ performance by KAZELL who is featured in the film and the music supervisor.
This is a fantastic location with a relaxed lounge type atmosphere and you can order drinks and food while watching the movie.
Tickets are available NOW:
Call 323 817 3456 to make a reservation.
This is a SPECIAL EVENT and SPACE IS LIMITED!!!
Be sure to call asap before this event sells out!
The overall capacity is around 500 - but the Cinema will only hold 180 w/ appropriate seating. More people can fit, but won't be guaranteed great seating. Others (as many as 60) can watch the film in the patio, which has two screens.
At 11PM they charge a cover but you will not have to pay if you attend the movie.
*******SPACE IS LIMITED**********
6356 Hollywood Blvd., 2nd Level
Hollywood, CA 90028
TICKETS - Call 323 817 3456 to make a reservation.
About Cinespace:
Hollywood’s premier nightclub, restaurant, lounge, event venue and movie theater, is the brainchild of two MTV staffers who wanted to create a down-to-earth space in LA where everyone felt welcome and there was a mix of all the things they loved in one place- music, art, dancing, film and great food! David Dickerson came up with the design, a cross between the Brew-n-Views back East and the atheistic from the classic film, Blade Runner, and along with co-owners, Errol and Kimberly Roussel, he set out to create not just a great visual space but one that offered the best sound system in Southern California.
Today, cinespace continues to support artists, filmmakers and new music. The event staff offers a unprecedented variety of services, and the venue has become a favorite location for movie, TV, music video and commercial shoots.
After the movie there will be a DJ performance by KAZELL who is featured in the film and the music supervisor.
This is a fantastic location with a relaxed lounge type atmosphere and you can order drinks and food while watching the movie.
Tickets are available NOW:
Call 323 817 3456 to make a reservation.
This is a SPECIAL EVENT and SPACE IS LIMITED!!!
Be sure to call asap before this event sells out!
The overall capacity is around 500 - but the Cinema will only hold 180 w/ appropriate seating. More people can fit, but won't be guaranteed great seating. Others (as many as 60) can watch the film in the patio, which has two screens.
At 11PM they charge a cover but you will not have to pay if you attend the movie.
*******SPACE IS LIMITED**********
6356 Hollywood Blvd., 2nd Level
Hollywood, CA 90028
TICKETS - Call 323 817 3456 to make a reservation.
About Cinespace:
Hollywood’s premier nightclub, restaurant, lounge, event venue and movie theater, is the brainchild of two MTV staffers who wanted to create a down-to-earth space in LA where everyone felt welcome and there was a mix of all the things they loved in one place- music, art, dancing, film and great food! David Dickerson came up with the design, a cross between the Brew-n-Views back East and the atheistic from the classic film, Blade Runner, and along with co-owners, Errol and Kimberly Roussel, he set out to create not just a great visual space but one that offered the best sound system in Southern California.
Today, cinespace continues to support artists, filmmakers and new music. The event staff offers a unprecedented variety of services, and the venue has become a favorite location for movie, TV, music video and commercial shoots.
ROLLING will be having it's San Diego Premiere at the Landmark Hillcrest Cinemas for a MIDNIGHT screening on May 16.
ONLINE TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW:
https://tickets.landmarktheatres.com/Landmark.aspx?TheatreID=219
Go to http://rollingmovie.com for more info and to check out the TRAILER, REVIEWS, DOWNLOADS and MERCHANDISE!!
*******SPACE IS LIMITED**********
--BE SURE TO BUY YOUR TICKET EARLY TO GET A SEAT--
3965 5th Avenue
San Diego, CA 92103
(619) 819-0236
Facebook: http://facebook.rollingmovie.com
Myspace: http://myspace.com/rollingmovie
ROLLING SYNOPSIS:
It's all about the night at an underground warehouse party in Los Angeles. A diverse circle - including a teacher, a drug dealer, a lawyer and a high school senior - search the city from Downtown to the Hollywood Hills looking for their next thrill. This entertaining roller-coaster like experience captures "the giddy highs and crushing
lows" (New York Times) of the Ecstasy culture, while exposing the delicate balance of its users' relationships and responsibilities as they chase this existential euphoria!
ONLINE TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW:
https://tickets.landmarktheatres.com/Landmark.aspx?TheatreID=219
Go to http://rollingmovie.com for more info and to check out the TRAILER, REVIEWS, DOWNLOADS and MERCHANDISE!!
*******SPACE IS LIMITED**********
--BE SURE TO BUY YOUR TICKET EARLY TO GET A SEAT--
3965 5th Avenue
San Diego, CA 92103
(619) 819-0236
Facebook: http://facebook.rollingmovie.com
Myspace: http://myspace.com/rollingmovie
ROLLING SYNOPSIS:
It's all about the night at an underground warehouse party in Los Angeles. A diverse circle - including a teacher, a drug dealer, a lawyer and a high school senior - search the city from Downtown to the Hollywood Hills looking for their next thrill. This entertaining roller-coaster like experience captures "the giddy highs and crushing
lows" (New York Times) of the Ecstasy culture, while exposing the delicate balance of its users' relationships and responsibilities as they chase this existential euphoria!
Tomorrow morning will be my third day at my new job,and I will be fired before it even begins. I woke up two hours after I was supposed to be at work today, and my place has a zero tolerance policy for everything. So I panicked. I ran around the apartment screaming "fuck" and knocking stuff over, then I picked up the phone. My choice of lie was not very good: I told them that I was involved in a car accident where my car was totaled and that my phone flew out of the window on a busy street. I said that the police took almost an hour to show up. It gets worse: to back up my lie, I smashed a very nice phone worth probably $400 and tore it in half. Even my microSD was destroyed, which I did not intend to happen. Also, for realism, I whipped my self with a belt really hard for a really long time all over my chest wear my seatbelt would have hit me in the event of an accident. It hurt.
SO I think I have all of my bases covered. I show the boss my phone, thinking "look at how smart I am." And everything is good. It was not until the end of the day that I realized he knew I was lying, when he said "oh, Sean, come here for a second. Could you bring me the police and insurance reports so that I can mark it in my database as an excused absence?" Even then I bluffed by saying, "I live really close - how long are you going to be here?" He said,"Just 15 minutes." And I responded with, "Well, I'll give them to you tomorrow then."
So then I schemed and schemed. How to do this without doing anything illegal. I consulted with adults, people who have been around the block a few times in the corporate world. I have decided afterf consulting with many people that I will walk into his office tomorrow and tell him that I lied to him about the accident, and that the reason I was late is that I overslept. Then I will sit and await judgment, because I hate lying and it would bother the shit out of me not to tell this guy.
SO I think I have all of my bases covered. I show the boss my phone, thinking "look at how smart I am." And everything is good. It was not until the end of the day that I realized he knew I was lying, when he said "oh, Sean, come here for a second. Could you bring me the police and insurance reports so that I can mark it in my database as an excused absence?" Even then I bluffed by saying, "I live really close - how long are you going to be here?" He said,"Just 15 minutes." And I responded with, "Well, I'll give them to you tomorrow then."
So then I schemed and schemed. How to do this without doing anything illegal. I consulted with adults, people who have been around the block a few times in the corporate world. I have decided afterf consulting with many people that I will walk into his office tomorrow and tell him that I lied to him about the accident, and that the reason I was late is that I overslept. Then I will sit and await judgment, because I hate lying and it would bother the shit out of me not to tell this guy.
Has anyone switched from Methadone to suboxone and was it an easy transition.
Should I get a starter electronic keyboard, or a starter electric guitar and amp set?
Time I started learning to play an instrument again!
:D
Time I started learning to play an instrument again!
:D
So, I picked up again.
I was feeling good and felt like 'one more time'. I have a lot of experience that tells me that there is no such thing as a last time.
A couple of days into my stupid decision, I was shooting coke and was rather paranoid. My girlfriend called and texted me a bunch of times and I didn't reply (I was fucked up).
I had both locks on the door as well as the chain. I had done a nice shot of the last of my shit and was sitting on the floor of my bedroom leaning against the bed. The lights were off in my room. I had the closet light on with the door slightly open to allow a bit of light into the room.
I heard someone at the door. My girl came over and was able to reach her hand inside the door and undo the chain.
I knew what was coming when I heard the steps creek that led upstairs. I startled her when she got to the bedroom door. The light from the closet was angled directly where I was sitting on the floor. I was sweaty, shaky and my heart was pounding.
I told her I fucked up and that I was shootin' coke. She was devastated. I lied and hurt her. The deceit is what is most hurtful, I believe. I lied to her and we were doing so well.
The next day when I was at work, 'M' came to my house and found my needles, spoons, empty bags, weed pipe, plastic weed containers and, worst of all, bloody paper towels. She also saw blood droplets on the kitchen floor.
She came to my work and confronted me. I made her cry from this bullshit decision. She was furious, hurt, deceived and betrayed. I never wanted to hurt her. I wanted to use a little and then stop. Just keep it my own little secret. She is the one person that I feel comfortable and safe telling my secrets to. I'm an asshole. I hurt her.
I will be in a rehab facility in (hopefully) a week. My insurance doesn't cover behavioral health so in order to get funding for treatment I need to get a letter from my insurance company stating that this isn't covered. Once I have that, I need to go to the Welfare Office and get a rejection letter. THEN I can call this place that will give a one-on-one assesment and hopefully pay for the Rehab up the street from me.
I may have destroyed the best thing that could ever happen to me.
I was feeling good and felt like 'one more time'. I have a lot of experience that tells me that there is no such thing as a last time.
A couple of days into my stupid decision, I was shooting coke and was rather paranoid. My girlfriend called and texted me a bunch of times and I didn't reply (I was fucked up).
I had both locks on the door as well as the chain. I had done a nice shot of the last of my shit and was sitting on the floor of my bedroom leaning against the bed. The lights were off in my room. I had the closet light on with the door slightly open to allow a bit of light into the room.
I heard someone at the door. My girl came over and was able to reach her hand inside the door and undo the chain.
I knew what was coming when I heard the steps creek that led upstairs. I startled her when she got to the bedroom door. The light from the closet was angled directly where I was sitting on the floor. I was sweaty, shaky and my heart was pounding.
I told her I fucked up and that I was shootin' coke. She was devastated. I lied and hurt her. The deceit is what is most hurtful, I believe. I lied to her and we were doing so well.
The next day when I was at work, 'M' came to my house and found my needles, spoons, empty bags, weed pipe, plastic weed containers and, worst of all, bloody paper towels. She also saw blood droplets on the kitchen floor.
She came to my work and confronted me. I made her cry from this bullshit decision. She was furious, hurt, deceived and betrayed. I never wanted to hurt her. I wanted to use a little and then stop. Just keep it my own little secret. She is the one person that I feel comfortable and safe telling my secrets to. I'm an asshole. I hurt her.
I will be in a rehab facility in (hopefully) a week. My insurance doesn't cover behavioral health so in order to get funding for treatment I need to get a letter from my insurance company stating that this isn't covered. Once I have that, I need to go to the Welfare Office and get a rejection letter. THEN I can call this place that will give a one-on-one assesment and hopefully pay for the Rehab up the street from me.
I may have destroyed the best thing that could ever happen to me.
A Bit Of Cyber
By Tanya T and Anonymous Male Author
Rory: This is cyber only ok? I mean I'm married and I can't fuck you for real. (Sticks out a few tongues)
Tina: Anything else would prove to be rather difficult don't you think? Unless your cock can reach from Dublin to Cali.
Rory: LOL. (Shows more tongues)
Tina: Hey watch those tongues ok? They make me horny.
Rory: These tongues? (Shows more tongues)
Tina: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Rory: LOL
Tina: And they say you're nice catholic boys over there!
Rory: I love to use my tongue
Tina: Damn I love tongues. They drive me fucking wild.
Rory: I would drive you wild with my tongue. I just love to tongue. Big time.
Tina: You're getting me wet
Rory: You are getting me wet. I wish I was using my tongue on you right now.
Tina: Don't know how much more of this I can take lover. I love it when a man kisses my lips, neck, breasts, and thighs.....
Rory: lick lick
Tina: I'm gonna lay back and enjoy it honey
Rory: Get it nice and wet for me
Tina: arches her back, caresses your hair, pushing your face further down, moaning......
Rory: My tongue licking you, tasting you. Tasting your hot juices.Mmmmmmmmmmm
Tina: Oh god that feels soooo good lover
Rory: I want your hot juices in my mouth. Cum on baby all of your juices. I am getting nice and hard for you baby.
Tina: Love it when you spread my legs and my pussy lips wide open, and the way you nibble my clit, and tongue my hot hole
Rory: I have my finger in your ass and my hot tongue in your pussy. You want my hot cock in your pussy now?
Tina: breathing, panting rapidly, god I'm so fucking wet, your're making me cum baby
Rory: Do you want my thick uncut cock in your pussy?
Tina: YES!!!!!
Rory: I want your pussy from behind. I cum behind you.
Tina: OH YES!! My favorite position
Rory: I put my cock in your hot pussy and start to fuck you. You want it faster?
Tina: YES BABY!! PLEASE
Rory: I start to fuck you so hard and fast. Fucking you deep and hard. I want to cum for you so bad. And put my fingers in your ass.
Tina: Moaning, screaming loud from all the pleasure you're giving me
Rory: Fucking your ass and pussy together.
Tina: Oh god baby...yes..panting. You're such a turn on baby
Rory: You want me to tell you when I am about to cum?
Tina: Yes sweetheart
Rory: So you can take my hot creamy cum in your mouth. Taste my jices with your pussy juices. Mmmmm
Tina: You want to cum in my mouth lover? For you anything baby.
Rory: I take my cock out of your pussy and put it in your mouth. I start to jerk off for you.
Tina: Oh fuck you're delicious! Grabs your ass
Rory: My pre cum is all over my cock and your mouth.
Tina: Pulls you into my mouth further, deeper
Rory: Finger my ass baby
Tina: Yes lover
Rory: I am going to shoot off baby. Open wide
Tina: Lubes up my finger with excess pussy juice
Rory: Mmmmmmmmmm
Tina: Slides it into your ass
Rory: Maybe a nice dildo up my ass baby. Mmmmmmm
Tina: Opens my mouth and pulls you deeper into my mouth
Rory: While you are sucking me, you can fuck me too. Mmmmmmmm
Tina: Slides the dildo in my wet pussy then slowly proceeds to fuck you up the ass
Rory: Mmmmmmm
Tina: Feel good lover?
Rory: Mmmmmmmm
Tina: Cum for me lover
Rory: I am cuming for you. Oh yes baby. All over your face and mouth.
Tina: Let me lap up all your cum sweetheart. You sexy fucker
Rory: Take it all. I start to deep kiss you then. Mmmmmm
Tina: Oh baby
Rory: You're a sexy fucker too.
Tina: More of your sweet tongue. God you're delicious
Rory: I just love horny sexy women.
All for youTina: Ohhhhhh. Always sweet and horny for you babe
Rory: Mmmmmmmmm
Tina: You're going to make me die with a smile on my face
Rory: And a very wet pussy
Tina: Pussy will always be wet for you lover.
Rory: You have me hard as fuck. I have it out.
Tina: Ohhh babe pull yourself off. You've seen my pic?
Rory: No. Where is it?
Tina: On my profile
Rory: Is it nice?
Tina: I want your cock between my tits. I want to wank you.
Rory: It won't let me see it.
Tina: Feck it. Next time
Rory: I would have loved to see it so I could wank off to it.
Tina: Want me to send it to you?
Rory: Will you?
Tina: Yes lover. Anything for you.
Rory: Great. I need a wank real bad.
Tina: email?
Rory: I would love for you to be wanking me right now
Tina: Email?
Rory: Did you send it?
Tina: You never gave me your email
Rory: I did.
Tina: I didnt get it. Yahoo ate it I guess.
Rory: There is is.
Tina: Didnt get it!! Hello?
Rory: Hi baby. I want to wank off to it.
Tina: Ok
Tina: didnt
Tina: get
Tina: your
Tina: email
Rory: I gave it to you. Here it is again. Get it?
Tina: Yes. Finally
Rory: Good
Tina: Sent
Rory: Thanks
Tina: Your're welcome babe. Think of me when you wank
Rory: You think of me wanking to your pic. I will cum for you.
Tina: Mmmmmmmm. I'd love 4 u 2 cum 4 me!
Rory: It is here now. I will have a look
Tina: Ok lover
Rory: What a pic. You are so so sexy.
Tina: Ahhh babe XXXX
Rory: I love you
Tina: Oh fuck more tonges!!!!!
Rory: I love your pussy. lol
Tina: Meow
Rory: I wish you could be here watching me wank off 4 u. Mmmmm You have some pair of tits baby
Tina: Fancy a titty wank?
Rory: Mmmmmmmm
Tina: I can arch my back. Wank your cock between my tits
Rory: My cock is on fire
Tina: And let you shoot all over my tits
Rory: I am so hard. Mmmmmmmmm
Tina: Oh babe. Bring it on over here
Rory: Have you anymore pics?
Tina: Yes
Rory: Mmmmmmm. Send them quick.
Tina: LOL
Rory: Any nude? I would love to see you naked
Tina: I have a lingerie one.
Rory: Send it please
Tina: I want to see you naked
Rory: I have no camera
Tina: No fair.
Rory: (Begging) Please..........
Tina: I want to see your hard irish cock
Rory: Please I beg you to send it
Tina: Doesn't show much but it's sent
Rory: Ah thanks baby
Tina: Gonna have a wank now?
Rory: It's not here yet. I will love it better wanking to your pic's.
Tina: And why is that lover?
Rory: You are so sexy. Your pic has me so hard
Tina: It's your fault I'm so wet
Rory: It's your fault I'm so hard
Tina: You're one hot fuck baby. You know that?
Rory: So are you baby. Big time
Tina: I wish I were there right now. Mmmmmmmmm
Rory: I want your pussy and tits so bad
Tina: I'd ride the cock off you
Rory: I would lick you dry
Tina: Drink the well dry baby.
Rory: I am rubbing my cock for you right now baby.
Tina: Oh baby put it in my mouth. I want to taste you.
Rory: Mmmmmmm. If my wife could see me now wanking to your pic
. I want you so badTina: What would she do?
Rory: Kill me
Tina: Is your wife a good lover to you?
Rory: She is not bad. She loves me fucking her from behind.
Tina: Does she let you eat her pussy?
Rory: Oh yes. She loves me to eat her pussy.
Tina: She has a good husband.
Rory: I want to eat your pussy
Tina: You're driving me nuts babe
Rory: No pic yet
Tina: Is this your email?
Rory: No. It is.........that is my email
Tina: Oops. Oh great. Just sent my pic to some other bloke. Real good.
Rory: When are you cuming to Dublin so I can lick that hot pussy of yours?
Tina: Oh fuck babe. Your're getting me wetter damn it!!
Rory: I want your hot pussy real bad. No pic yet. I want to wank to it. Send it baby.
Tina: I did already
Rory: Are you very wet?
Tina: Yes
Rory: Are you playing with your pussy?
Tina: I'd love to spread my pussy lips for you. And masturbate in front of you.
Rory: Mmmmmmmm. I would love that so much. I want your pic please. Send it again.
Tina:. Rory I sent it
Rory: Please? Oh it just came. You are so kind. Thanks. I will look now.
Tina: Ok
Rory: Fuck me. Wow. God.
Tina: Really? Now? Oh yessssss
Rory: I love you
Tina: I love you too babe. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rory: I would love you to use a strapon dildo on me right now baby. Mmmmm. Would you like that?
Tina: I've never done it before. Does that hurt?
Rory: I have not done it before. My wife would not be into it. I always wanted to try.
Tina: Ahhhhh. Suppose you got her drunk and asked her to do it?
Rory: She would not. Would you try it?
Tina: Pity. It's worth a try. Sure why not. Have you ever fucked a woman in the ass?
Rory: When we were first going out, we watched a blue movie. She was so horny she wanted me to fuck her ass. So I did. It was great. She sucked me off then. Did you ever have a cock up your ass?
Tina: Yes
Rory: Did you like it?
Tina: Yessss. Once when I was engaged when my ex did that to me, I told him to feel my pussy
Rory: I would love to fuck you up the ass with my cock. Mmmmmmmmmm
Tina: He almost came cause there was an 18" puddle of pussy juice on the bed I was so turned on.
Rory: I want your ass. I would finger your pussy as I fucked your ass.
Tina: Oh god babe
Rory: I want you to cum to Dublin. I want your ass.
Tina: I have read when a man fuck's a woman's ass he can feel her orgasms
Rory: Wow. I want to feel yours.
Tina: You are one dirty boy. I love it babe!!
Rory: Mmmmmm. I am so hard for you.
Tina: You gonna wank for me?
Rory: Mmmmmmmmm. Oh baby Would you like to meet a very horny married guy?:
Tina: Mmmmmmmmm
Rory: So he can fuck your hot ass for you. And pussy. And tits. And mouth. And anything else
Tina: Rory I thought you said this was strictly cyber?
Rory: Who me?
Tina: Lol. Yes you
Rory: Never.
Tina: You naughty boy
Rory: Maybe put you over my knee too.
Tina: Over your knee? What would you do?
Rory: I would put you over my knee, spread your legs, peel your sexy panties down your legs and start to spank your ass
Tina: Ohhh kinky
Rory: And finger your ass and pussy. Then cum behind you and lick your hot ass and pussy for you. Mmmmm. Would you like that?
Tina: You are so raunchy. I've never had that done before. Damn. You are one hot motherfucker.
Rory: Wanking for you.
Tina: Do it lover
Rory: Peeling back my foreskin.
Tina: Isn't your skin back when you're hard?
Rory: No. I have a loose foreskin.
Tina: Ohhh
Rory: You can rub it up and down my cock head
Tina: And tease the tip of your cock with my tongue
Rory: Yes. Mmmmmmmm
Tina: I want my pussy in your face
Rory: Oh yes
Tina: You got me so wet
Rory: I just love to eat hot juicy pussy
Tina: It would go all over your face, down your neck
Rory: My cock is on fire
Tina: Oh babe
Rory: Make it cum all over my face. Spread your legs wider. I want to finger that pussy of yours and make your juices cum.
Rory: Is there anyway you can phone me? I want you to hear me wank off. I want to cum for you so bad.
Tina: Do you have voice chat, a mic, and speakers?
Rory: I have a mic and a very hard cock for you
Tina: You have yahoo messenger?
Rory: No.
Tina: Download it baby, then cum get me when you have it
Rory: Ok
Epilogue: After leaving Rory with a very hard cock and Tina with a very wet pussy, yahoo decided to cut out and let the 2 of them use their..........imaginations.
9/9/00
I really am enjoying the rest of my time off as I sit here typing in the middle of the night. I was shocked to see that when I picked up my phone to look at something, there were 9 motherfucking calls! I'm like what the fuck? Ok, well dunno if I'm in trouble, but I DID arrange with both my company and the family to be off yesterday and they obviously forgot. Oh goody I get to deal with that tomorrow or whenever soon. My bank account is down $100 more than it should be. I had mentioned to Aimee I had gone online to make more money by responding to an ad that you get paid by Google to post web links. That sounded good to me, but no where did it say anything about hidden fees. They charge $1.98 to your card, but Aimee said that they acutally bill you $72 a month for this shit. I freaked. That explained the lack of funds last Thursday, then the bank charging me a $24 NSF fee.
Fuck me, man I haven't had to deal with that shit for over 2 years. More shit I have to deal with. I've been having to literally force myself to eat every day, and usually I manage 2 small snacks or 1 meal and I can't believe how fast the time goes by and I'm asking myself, "I HAVE to eat again already?" I make sure to do it too, cause I don't want to feel the weakness of low blood sugar. It's incredible how completely different my thinking is about food like day and night when on meth or not on meth. When I'm not on it, I have to stop myself from eating out of bordome or reflex, and when I'm on it, I whine to myself saying "I don't WANT to eat!" but I usually force something down anyway. Still, the lbs are disappearing every single day, Christ. I've had Brendan, Aimee, the dope fiends at the garage, and even strangers on line that see me as I am now and praise me for my beauty or whatever.
I'm flattered, but I just never saw it before, ever unless I was what I considered to be thin. I'm grateful to Brendan, Aimee, and the weight loss of course, cause it's a horrible burden to have to look in the mirror and hate what you see, it's ugly because of too much unwanted fat. It fucks up your psyche and wears you down, and God I don't EVER want to have to go through that again! I also don't EVER want to have to be that horrible disgusting weight I had before which caused me just as many problems carrying around 240 lbs as it was being a hard core strung out junkie, the only diference is the problems were a trade off. I love how I look now and I'm no longer ashamed of the prospect of having to undress in front of someone, especially a man, and that's a great freedom.
Am still wonderin should I do the hit of acid Wed (sometime today?) Somehow, I'll have to suffer the food cravings and be extremely disciplined enough not to eat more than 2 or 3 small meals a day so I don't gain back any weight the second I stop the drug. Brendan and I continue to keep writing back and forth and Christ there is a ton of porn right there. I will say this about meth too, is that it DOES help me become way more of a wild woman, instead of the conservative one sober, which frankly is fucking irritating. If I ever actually DID see Brendan, which I doubt because I have no fucking money and he'll probably cry poor too because he has no job. It's all good. The thing is it would be too hard to sneak and do meth behind his back, but a couple pills of X would be easy AND they would do the trick. Goodbye conservative woman and inhibitions, free me up for once to have a good time, Christ.
These stupid obstacles of shyness, shame, and introversion have little by little begun to lift bit by bit, but it's taking a long ass time. It had been so long since I'd done sex or drugs, that I'd completely forgotten that they existed pretty much, especially sex. At least when I was still using before I got clean, even though I really didn't have sex that much, other than a way to make money occasionally, my mind was still able to be somewhat open due to the meth. I get so fucking sick and tired of all these stupid hang ups no matter if I'm sober or loaded. If I'm sober, food and weight are the main issue, plus other minor ones like writer's block, not able to enjoy sex because it seems and feels so damn boring compared to NOW. When I'm stuck with a habit, like now, the issues are constant poverty, getting in trouble for letting shit slide that I let pile up and didn't want to deal with, plus no real time left over after the meth and working full time take their toll.
Issues. Always something. I get mad because they shouldn't be big fucking deals, yet with me they turn into just that, fuck. Brendan is indeed a sex addict. It makes sense that one addict would somehow attract another, but he'd be absolutely mortified if he knew the kind of addict I am. Sad to say, but I'm a much better lover on meth or X than sober, now not A LOT, but a small dose of either. I don't want there to have to be boundaries between Erik and I either. I respectfully did NOT bring up certain issues because I did NOT want to upset him. He said something when he called me at work a few nights ago about not having to have secrets or shit that we are too afraid to bring up, I forget exactly, but I really liked what he had to say. It's so much easier if everyone can say what's on their mind or ask questions without fear of upsetting the other person.
For the first time, I could REALLY tell too, that he was able to call and talk to me because he was under the influence of meth. He has a difficult time when there are no chemicals. That's a problem I have too, perhaps to a slightly lesser degree. I wish there was one of my old dope fiend friends on line I could talk to. I'd shoot up the last of my meth with them on line if they wanted, just like the old days, but now unfortunately, most of them are gone or they quit doing meth. Sigh. I dread this shit. I dread having to kick, God it's gonna suck so much. Still, I guess if I don't stop for a little while, it's gonna suck just as much or maybe even more. I'm no longer clean, but have to get undirty, at least with the meth. It's sad because I'm no longer a part of the NA community, as I don't want to tell the whole community I'm back on chems. Eventually my sponsor will have to be told. Ok I'm trippin. I just want a fucking life without so many goddamned hassles clean or loaded.
So, here's an old cyber story, from the days I'd shoot up, get all hot and bothered, and instead of getting live dick, I'd get it on line. On line there were never disappointments but live one night stands ALWAYS were. Brendan being a sex addict certainly explains why he's so good at it, a skill I can certainly appreciate. If anything, he is helping me to overcome my own inhibitions by being VERY open to suggestion and making it perfectly clear he will not judge. So there it is, I just need to do it with him already and use that as therapy to be direct and to do shit I'm not comfortable with in order to not let it bother me anymore. One thing I have always done, and always gotten away with in sex until Brendan is the fact that I always either close my eyes, or even better get sex from behind that way I don't have to make eye contact and my face is covered. I'd rather the guy fucking me sees my ass and not my face, but that's not gonna work with Brendan. I told him fine, he's gonna have to be patient and work with me, which he is.
Still, this is only cyber as far as I'm concerned because I'm not going to ASSume he's gonna fly here or put up the money again to fly me to Dublin. So cyber it is and even that is good practice communicating. I got all kinds of silly, superficial issues that cropped up after I got clean that I never really knew the depth of until the chemicals ceased for a while. Fuck, I only hope I can drag my ass out of whatever trouble there is with work and all this other bullshit...the piles of bills, the phone calls, ect. I try to have as few responsibilities as possible because I find them to be a burden.
Fuck me, man I haven't had to deal with that shit for over 2 years. More shit I have to deal with. I've been having to literally force myself to eat every day, and usually I manage 2 small snacks or 1 meal and I can't believe how fast the time goes by and I'm asking myself, "I HAVE to eat again already?" I make sure to do it too, cause I don't want to feel the weakness of low blood sugar. It's incredible how completely different my thinking is about food like day and night when on meth or not on meth. When I'm not on it, I have to stop myself from eating out of bordome or reflex, and when I'm on it, I whine to myself saying "I don't WANT to eat!" but I usually force something down anyway. Still, the lbs are disappearing every single day, Christ. I've had Brendan, Aimee, the dope fiends at the garage, and even strangers on line that see me as I am now and praise me for my beauty or whatever.
I'm flattered, but I just never saw it before, ever unless I was what I considered to be thin. I'm grateful to Brendan, Aimee, and the weight loss of course, cause it's a horrible burden to have to look in the mirror and hate what you see, it's ugly because of too much unwanted fat. It fucks up your psyche and wears you down, and God I don't EVER want to have to go through that again! I also don't EVER want to have to be that horrible disgusting weight I had before which caused me just as many problems carrying around 240 lbs as it was being a hard core strung out junkie, the only diference is the problems were a trade off. I love how I look now and I'm no longer ashamed of the prospect of having to undress in front of someone, especially a man, and that's a great freedom.
Am still wonderin should I do the hit of acid Wed (sometime today?) Somehow, I'll have to suffer the food cravings and be extremely disciplined enough not to eat more than 2 or 3 small meals a day so I don't gain back any weight the second I stop the drug. Brendan and I continue to keep writing back and forth and Christ there is a ton of porn right there. I will say this about meth too, is that it DOES help me become way more of a wild woman, instead of the conservative one sober, which frankly is fucking irritating. If I ever actually DID see Brendan, which I doubt because I have no fucking money and he'll probably cry poor too because he has no job. It's all good. The thing is it would be too hard to sneak and do meth behind his back, but a couple pills of X would be easy AND they would do the trick. Goodbye conservative woman and inhibitions, free me up for once to have a good time, Christ.
These stupid obstacles of shyness, shame, and introversion have little by little begun to lift bit by bit, but it's taking a long ass time. It had been so long since I'd done sex or drugs, that I'd completely forgotten that they existed pretty much, especially sex. At least when I was still using before I got clean, even though I really didn't have sex that much, other than a way to make money occasionally, my mind was still able to be somewhat open due to the meth. I get so fucking sick and tired of all these stupid hang ups no matter if I'm sober or loaded. If I'm sober, food and weight are the main issue, plus other minor ones like writer's block, not able to enjoy sex because it seems and feels so damn boring compared to NOW. When I'm stuck with a habit, like now, the issues are constant poverty, getting in trouble for letting shit slide that I let pile up and didn't want to deal with, plus no real time left over after the meth and working full time take their toll.
Issues. Always something. I get mad because they shouldn't be big fucking deals, yet with me they turn into just that, fuck. Brendan is indeed a sex addict. It makes sense that one addict would somehow attract another, but he'd be absolutely mortified if he knew the kind of addict I am. Sad to say, but I'm a much better lover on meth or X than sober, now not A LOT, but a small dose of either. I don't want there to have to be boundaries between Erik and I either. I respectfully did NOT bring up certain issues because I did NOT want to upset him. He said something when he called me at work a few nights ago about not having to have secrets or shit that we are too afraid to bring up, I forget exactly, but I really liked what he had to say. It's so much easier if everyone can say what's on their mind or ask questions without fear of upsetting the other person.
For the first time, I could REALLY tell too, that he was able to call and talk to me because he was under the influence of meth. He has a difficult time when there are no chemicals. That's a problem I have too, perhaps to a slightly lesser degree. I wish there was one of my old dope fiend friends on line I could talk to. I'd shoot up the last of my meth with them on line if they wanted, just like the old days, but now unfortunately, most of them are gone or they quit doing meth. Sigh. I dread this shit. I dread having to kick, God it's gonna suck so much. Still, I guess if I don't stop for a little while, it's gonna suck just as much or maybe even more. I'm no longer clean, but have to get undirty, at least with the meth. It's sad because I'm no longer a part of the NA community, as I don't want to tell the whole community I'm back on chems. Eventually my sponsor will have to be told. Ok I'm trippin. I just want a fucking life without so many goddamned hassles clean or loaded.
So, here's an old cyber story, from the days I'd shoot up, get all hot and bothered, and instead of getting live dick, I'd get it on line. On line there were never disappointments but live one night stands ALWAYS were. Brendan being a sex addict certainly explains why he's so good at it, a skill I can certainly appreciate. If anything, he is helping me to overcome my own inhibitions by being VERY open to suggestion and making it perfectly clear he will not judge. So there it is, I just need to do it with him already and use that as therapy to be direct and to do shit I'm not comfortable with in order to not let it bother me anymore. One thing I have always done, and always gotten away with in sex until Brendan is the fact that I always either close my eyes, or even better get sex from behind that way I don't have to make eye contact and my face is covered. I'd rather the guy fucking me sees my ass and not my face, but that's not gonna work with Brendan. I told him fine, he's gonna have to be patient and work with me, which he is.
Still, this is only cyber as far as I'm concerned because I'm not going to ASSume he's gonna fly here or put up the money again to fly me to Dublin. So cyber it is and even that is good practice communicating. I got all kinds of silly, superficial issues that cropped up after I got clean that I never really knew the depth of until the chemicals ceased for a while. Fuck, I only hope I can drag my ass out of whatever trouble there is with work and all this other bullshit...the piles of bills, the phone calls, ect. I try to have as few responsibilities as possible because I find them to be a burden.
Yesterday was officially the start of my much needed "vacation." So, this week only, I get Mon off without having to work Tuesday, then get Wed and go back to work late Thurs night. I HAD to fix it so there was plenty of time for me and my chemicals without the irritating interruption from work every Tuesday or some dumb ass responsibility on Wednesday. My ass was worn out Monday, so when I came home from work I crashed for about 12 hrs. I got up, had my one meal, talked to Mom a bit. She's still questioning me how the detox from the Tramadol is going, but I've told her before I'm not even bothering with those anymore. I'm taking the real painkillers. I tend to go through about 45 pills a week and I'm lucky my Doc authorizes that.
As for the meth, well, it didn't take long for a $20 bag every week to turn into $40 or $60 bag last two weeks. The thing is that back in 2006 I used to be able to get a whole teenager for $70 or $80, but now that same teenager costs $140 or $130. So $60 is more like 3/4 gram so that's my habit right there. As I said before, I'm amazed in some ways how meth GIVES a shitload of energy, while simaltaneously sucking it right out of you. That's what's getting me in trouble already. It's simply too damn hard to keep up with a full time job that does NOT have 2 days off in a row, plus whatever other bullshit I'm supposed to be doing. I've pretty much taken a 6 week vacation from certain bullshit.
So after the dope is gone tomorrow, the plan is to go buy those damn expensive supplements because I have no choice now BUT to take a vacation from meth. Besides being debilitating in some aspects, it's too damned expensive. I only hope I can get through this without too much fatigue and overall feeling like crap. My tickets from Erik arrived yesterday, thank you baby boy. I'm debating if tomorrow is the day to take this trip or not. The other thing is that while Erik mentioned there were 2 double hits of acid, I only saw one paper. I didn't want to tear open the microscopic sized baggie until I am actually ready to take it in order to keep it fresh. So, I guess I should definitely only take 1/2 of the paper, as I don't want to do 4 hits all at once.
I'm amazed at how damn fast vacation time speeds by. Work called 3 times today and I didn't want to talk to them. By the 2nd call, I reluctantly picked up and it was a woman wanting to know if I was going to be at my shift on Tuesday, today, and I said no I cleared that day off over 3 weeks ago with this dude in the office AND told the family like 3 times. So she said, ok, then they will have to work it out. Fine. They called back again, as well as the family, and I said oh hell, no way am I picking up. I hope I don't get into trouble, but no way was I gonna be talked into working, and besides that, I certainly wasn't sober, so no way in HELL was I gonna even attempt that. Meth would be the perfect drug to do as a retiree, I swear. Old folks have it fuckin made. They don't have to answer to a job, and unlike most people I'm perfectly capable of keeping myself quite amused and occupied with no job to go to.
I hope the goddamned food cravings are not gonna bite me in the ass 90 times a day, or if so, am able to just eat 3 small meals a day and that's it. That would enable me to maintain the weight loss. Otherwise, it will be like Aimee said, that I will need to do meth for a little at a time in order to keep it off. Mom flat out asked me last night, "You're not doing meth to cut your appetite are you?" Same answer every time. "No." "Then what are you doing to lose weight?" "What do you mean what am I doing? You know. I threw away all the snacks in my room, plus going through W/Ds does not help. It sucks all the joy out of wanting to eat." Actually that's the truth. When cutting the Tramadol, not only could I not get enthused about anything to save my life, but got no pleasure out of eating whatsoever. Food just didn't taste good.
Was up late last night of course, spent some time on the Meth Slammers group, for some reason yahoo didn't bother deleting that or the Crystal Princess group, the 2 I cared about the least. So I posted old stories and poems, as even on meth the writer's block never went away. I can't write poetry, haven't been able to ever since I got clean damn it. I doubt I'll ever get it back, so I can only make do with what I can do which are stories, essays, and journaling. And porn. Haha. It was nice to get Erik's ok about the cyber and porn writing, because while I do want to do it, I don't want to hurt his feelings either. He encouraged me, and lord knows I do have plenty of THAT, but haven't published it yet.
So, I don't know, I'm nervous about how all my shit's gonna turn out. Kicking even with supplements is EXTREMELY unpleasant plus I'm worried about my money situation. Same old bullshit. Now I'm at a mental tug of war again at times. Stay clean or get loaded? Getting loaded on a schedule is the most practical answer, but it's sure as shit not always easy to do, no matter what the intentions are, but I'm gonna have to. Either that or stop completely again. To be honest, I don't think that will happen any time soon, so the schedule is the practical way to go. I do know this. It's a lot easier to stay off meth than it is to get off meth. It's the getting that's a real giant pain in the ass, but the physical exhaustion is reason in itself to force me to do so after this baggie is out. If I feel the time is right, I'll take a trip tomorrow and hope to harness in some Divine Strength to do what I need to do. I'm in a mess all over again and it sucks.
As for the meth, well, it didn't take long for a $20 bag every week to turn into $40 or $60 bag last two weeks. The thing is that back in 2006 I used to be able to get a whole teenager for $70 or $80, but now that same teenager costs $140 or $130. So $60 is more like 3/4 gram so that's my habit right there. As I said before, I'm amazed in some ways how meth GIVES a shitload of energy, while simaltaneously sucking it right out of you. That's what's getting me in trouble already. It's simply too damn hard to keep up with a full time job that does NOT have 2 days off in a row, plus whatever other bullshit I'm supposed to be doing. I've pretty much taken a 6 week vacation from certain bullshit.
So after the dope is gone tomorrow, the plan is to go buy those damn expensive supplements because I have no choice now BUT to take a vacation from meth. Besides being debilitating in some aspects, it's too damned expensive. I only hope I can get through this without too much fatigue and overall feeling like crap. My tickets from Erik arrived yesterday, thank you baby boy. I'm debating if tomorrow is the day to take this trip or not. The other thing is that while Erik mentioned there were 2 double hits of acid, I only saw one paper. I didn't want to tear open the microscopic sized baggie until I am actually ready to take it in order to keep it fresh. So, I guess I should definitely only take 1/2 of the paper, as I don't want to do 4 hits all at once.
I'm amazed at how damn fast vacation time speeds by. Work called 3 times today and I didn't want to talk to them. By the 2nd call, I reluctantly picked up and it was a woman wanting to know if I was going to be at my shift on Tuesday, today, and I said no I cleared that day off over 3 weeks ago with this dude in the office AND told the family like 3 times. So she said, ok, then they will have to work it out. Fine. They called back again, as well as the family, and I said oh hell, no way am I picking up. I hope I don't get into trouble, but no way was I gonna be talked into working, and besides that, I certainly wasn't sober, so no way in HELL was I gonna even attempt that. Meth would be the perfect drug to do as a retiree, I swear. Old folks have it fuckin made. They don't have to answer to a job, and unlike most people I'm perfectly capable of keeping myself quite amused and occupied with no job to go to.
I hope the goddamned food cravings are not gonna bite me in the ass 90 times a day, or if so, am able to just eat 3 small meals a day and that's it. That would enable me to maintain the weight loss. Otherwise, it will be like Aimee said, that I will need to do meth for a little at a time in order to keep it off. Mom flat out asked me last night, "You're not doing meth to cut your appetite are you?" Same answer every time. "No." "Then what are you doing to lose weight?" "What do you mean what am I doing? You know. I threw away all the snacks in my room, plus going through W/Ds does not help. It sucks all the joy out of wanting to eat." Actually that's the truth. When cutting the Tramadol, not only could I not get enthused about anything to save my life, but got no pleasure out of eating whatsoever. Food just didn't taste good.
Was up late last night of course, spent some time on the Meth Slammers group, for some reason yahoo didn't bother deleting that or the Crystal Princess group, the 2 I cared about the least. So I posted old stories and poems, as even on meth the writer's block never went away. I can't write poetry, haven't been able to ever since I got clean damn it. I doubt I'll ever get it back, so I can only make do with what I can do which are stories, essays, and journaling. And porn. Haha. It was nice to get Erik's ok about the cyber and porn writing, because while I do want to do it, I don't want to hurt his feelings either. He encouraged me, and lord knows I do have plenty of THAT, but haven't published it yet.
So, I don't know, I'm nervous about how all my shit's gonna turn out. Kicking even with supplements is EXTREMELY unpleasant plus I'm worried about my money situation. Same old bullshit. Now I'm at a mental tug of war again at times. Stay clean or get loaded? Getting loaded on a schedule is the most practical answer, but it's sure as shit not always easy to do, no matter what the intentions are, but I'm gonna have to. Either that or stop completely again. To be honest, I don't think that will happen any time soon, so the schedule is the practical way to go. I do know this. It's a lot easier to stay off meth than it is to get off meth. It's the getting that's a real giant pain in the ass, but the physical exhaustion is reason in itself to force me to do so after this baggie is out. If I feel the time is right, I'll take a trip tomorrow and hope to harness in some Divine Strength to do what I need to do. I'm in a mess all over again and it sucks.
I wonder how big the hard drive was on the mech suits they use on FF3(the american FF3)
I remember feeling good.
I remember confidence.
I remember being respected.
I remember respecting myself.
I remember the comfort of money.
What have I done?
I remember confidence.
I remember being respected.
I remember respecting myself.
I remember the comfort of money.
What have I done?
So I finally finished my last final. I think I did.. eh, ok.
I got super hammered last night after I finished my last test. Luckily so did the rest of the 1L class so I'm thinking my drunkenness might be forgotten.
I managed to fall face-forward on the downward iced wheelchair ramp at my apartment building. Seth said it was one of the worst falls he's ever seen. Pure banana slip style, failing to put my hands out to stop the rest of my body hitting. Somehow I didn't get terribly hurt. Just scratched face, hand, knee and a skinned shoulder.
Ah, well, back to doing nothing. :D
I got super hammered last night after I finished my last test. Luckily so did the rest of the 1L class so I'm thinking my drunkenness might be forgotten.
I managed to fall face-forward on the downward iced wheelchair ramp at my apartment building. Seth said it was one of the worst falls he's ever seen. Pure banana slip style, failing to put my hands out to stop the rest of my body hitting. Somehow I didn't get terribly hurt. Just scratched face, hand, knee and a skinned shoulder.
Ah, well, back to doing nothing. :D