May 31, 2009
Am feeling the tug of war from a deep, depressive state. I've had depression my entire life, it comes and goes. Somethings been really messed up in my body chemistry for almost a year now and it all started with that damn Rx drug called Tramadol. Its supposed 2 b safe, as its non narcotic, but tryn 2 get off of it w/o 3 months of W/D's, i finally threw in the towel and cried, "uncle." I've been cursed with this horrific chronic fatigue constantly, plus just as if all enthusiasm sucked rite out of me, unless i have chemical aid in the form of a stimulant. I've gone 12 days w/o it and by THAT time i shouldnt still feel like crap, but i do. This isnt normal, and the doc couldnt find anything wrong from the $600 lab work. I had REALLY wanted 2 buy some IBOGAINE, as the research i've done from a ton of sources has u detoxed in 36 hrs, then ur free from it as long as u dont keep goin back but physically, ur over it. It costs $600 though and u have 2 get it from Canada. I earn piss poor wages so there is no way 4 me 2 get that kind of cash. I cant afford detox, even with health insurance. Also, no sick, vacation, or holiday pay from my company. So im pretty screwed and thats it in a nutshell.
June 2, 2009
Linda saved my ass
I knew i had 2 try an re up 2day-or face the consequences. I NEED my dope. That scares me, but fuck goin back 2 bein so FAT! I have this feeling of impending doom. I hate it. Still i dont wanna go thru Susie, and Aimee and Don r history n terms of connects after the stunt they pulled. That leaves only Linda and she never pulls hinky shit. I got lucky, got a good 40 bag b4 work, gave Linda a couple decent lines and when Aimee and Don showed up all bummed coz they had no speed, they got no sympathy from me. I spoke 2 Brendan online, when he repeated told me he loved me with all his heart, that took me 4 a loop and sent me cryn, though i didnt let on.
June 6, 2009
This is kinda weird. I prefer my yahoo and BL blog, but my space is the only one that lets me post from cell. Am workn now, 2 poor 2 afford a lap top. Also, id prefer 2 remain away from MS, as my ex sponsor is one of my friends. I still love her, but there was this hell i went thru tryn 2 quit Rx Tramadol. Its non narcotic, but i threw n the towel, when after 3 months, i was STILL suffering incredible fatigue and complete apathy. I tried 2 sleep for 4 days with Seraquil, but felt the effects of W/D's. After feeln like shit for 10 months, i returned 2 my fav Rx and meth. It had been 2 and 1/2 yrs since id touched anything, so when i tried after all that time, there were mixed feelns of sadness, euphoria, relief, fear, worry, and this total feeln of comin home. My old friends welcomed me back, though they never left just coz i got clean. Erik, the guy i was 2 marry, called and offered his support, and although we've been separated by distance, he's never left me either. I sensed though that he felt ALOT more comfortable talkn 2 me and hangn out someday now that he knows im usin again. The other killer disadvantage of bein clean was the total monstrosity of demoralizing 100 lb weight gain. As with the Tramadol, I couldnt kick, stay kickd and lose more than 30 lbs, always gainin it back. The meth use freed me of 50 lbs so far, thats why i look so big n my recent pics, and thats with the weight loss. Plus, id resigned myself 2 the fact that i was permanently unfuckable coz i HATED what i saw n the mirror, not 2 mention moving around, walkn, dancn, things that used 2 b fun turned n2 a chore. My feet and back hurt 2. Those problems have been gone with the weight loss and my usin friends convinced me i dont look like the dog i thouht i did, even w a few xtra lbs. Aimee told me 2 dress it up sexy, then Brendan an old flame from 8 yrs ago re enters the scene askd me 4 a recent pic. I hesitated, told him y, but he still wantd a pic. He likes how i look now, than thin.
and my vision is a bit grainy...kind of like i'm looking through a screen door.
tattoes, the whole experience, even the pain!
