Am sad because I'm dying for some company. I miss Erik. Brendan has me all reved up sexually, but without any idea of whether he will do something about it or not. I can't take much more. He knows and I told him that Erik is my number 1, I wear his ring and his tatts, but sexually I've been out of circulation for so damn long, how the fuck am I to help teach a younger guy? I can't now and to be honest, I don't want Erik to EVER feel obligated to do anything he does NOT want to do. Erik is my life long soul mate in terms of the friendship bond we created so long
ago. Sexually and romantically, Brendan is someone from the past I can't seem to find here that takes his time, is older, and wants me as much as I want him....but only as a secret lover on the side. Mom asked me recently what it is that I want. "Brendan is being very deceitful, you know," she told me. She was referring to him being married, being a sex addict and fooling around on his wife. "Yes, I know this, but I don't want to hook up with a man JUST for sex, but at the same time, I DON'T want a permanent full time relationship! No matter how hard I look, I can't find that anywhere else," I said.
"At your age, you're not going to find it," she said. "Most women want to settle down." "My point, exactly," I said. Ever since getting re hooked on drugs and now wanting sex, my life has been all sorts of contradictions. Going through W/D's on and off of course don't help. I got angry with Brendan too because I need messages from him once in a while that have more to talk about than sex, so I backed way off. He noticed a bit, said I must be very busy, but I did send him Birthday wishes and we did talk about a lot of things, got our communication completely open and honest about what we want sexually. That is the first time I think that I've dared to finally spill the beans to him about everything....and I was nervous as hell even though I knew in advance that he wouldn't judge
me....even under the influence of meth. So, I finally just said it and of course he said, sure he'd be happy to comply with what I want. It's new to him and different, as were a couple other things he'd never tried before me.....I was his first shaved lady, now he only likes shaved women. I was also the first he ever tried anal with.
So I asked him what HE wanted and he said just about anything, but don't ask him for a 3 way with another man. That's fine with me. I only want one man at a time. I noticed he didn't say anything about the other type of 3 way so I asked him if he'd ever had 2 women at once...the ultimate straight man's fantasy for most guys I think...he said no. I told him I had no problem giving that to him, but don't know any women in Dublin. I guess he's not flying out here, but wants me to come to Dublin. The subject of whether or not he plans on flying me out has yet to be discussed, but obviously if he can't or won't, then it's not gonna happen. What is frustrating is having my mind all fired up but no outlet, and not knowing where this is gonna go. He said his fantasy was for me to find a woman for him in Dublin so he could have 2 of us. The only way I can do that I told him was to go to Adult Friend Finder, so I made a profile for us....then one for just myself.
I doubt I'll ever find it, but out of desperation I thought I'd try. I explained what I looked like, what I want, BUT that nothing will happen unless my mind is turned on first. That, and the fact that on the profile, there is a section that asks about drinking/smoking/AND recreational drugs. On my profile, I put the truth. Non smoker, non drinker, but drug user. That appealed to me because of not having to keep that issue in the closet. In order to be with anyone, I NEED to have either a little meth or a little X. So there it is, right out in the open. I put this blog on AFF. As usual, it most likely deviates like hell from the norm, but here it is:
6/1/2009
I'm not sure that this is a good idea. I mean I'm new to this and want to figure out how the hell to get my fuckin picture off this blog, although it's not like I'm ashamed of it or anything. It's more of an issue of being cautious, I guess. I'm a writer and I have had and still have a very colorful life. It's the kind of life, I guess that others are likely to want to buy at a book store, but not necessarily have.
I've always been the hopeless romantic sort, idealistic for sure. I'm VERY imaginative, creative, and intelligent, but to be honest tend to be happier in my own world, than that of day to day reality. It's GREAT as far as writing is concerned, but tends to cause a bit of trouble in day to day life, unless I remain focused and constantly vigilant catering to the dull and boring responsibilities of day to day life. In some ways, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.
I'm well into middle age, but others have told me I still have it going on in the looks department, and for a woman, that's ALWAYS good to hear. When I was younger, I always carried around an extra 15-20 lbs and couldn't seem to get rid of them. Consequently, I felt about as attractive as a cow, even though looking back I wasn't really. It was all in my head. It's ironic that now, I feel the most attractive ever, in spite of the beginnings of a face line, greys at the temples, near sightedness, and being overweight.
I got clean and sober for 2 and 1/2 years, then gained 100 lbs. Being clean had it's advantages, but as far as my looks went, I had accepted the fact that they were gone forever, due only to the weight. A couple months back I started recreational stimulants again, on and off. I've dropped and managed to maintain my 50 lb weight loss, and in spite of the fact that I am still 50 lbs overweight, at a size 16, 5'8" and 187 lbs, wearing the right clothes, hair, and make up really DOES help.
In part I have my long time close girl friend Aimee to thank for that, because she convinced me that I do not have to wear old lady fat clothes. She let me borrow some of hers, we took pictures and for the first time in almost 3 years I FELT hot. I immediately started getting attention from others as well, simply because my mental attitude about myself had changed. Also, since I was stuck being a size 22 for over 2 years, I will NEVER complain about being a size 16 again and not obsess about HAVING to get back down to a respectable, slim size 8, or VERY thin size 4-5.
The smallest adult weight I've ever been was 120 lbs from a diet of daily meth or diet pills, or close to that anyway. Originally I was a cushy 150-160 lbs, size 12-14 with a bra size of 36C, then shrank down to a size 4-6, to a bra size of 34B. Then the oppisite occured after the massive weight gain. My tits grew to some rediculously enormous size of 42DD and are still that size. So, instead of obsessing over it, I kick back and laugh about it. My boyfriend sure loves the FUCK out of them!
I met Branden in Feb 2001 on the internet. He is a bit older than I am, plus the men in Dublin tend to be a bit slower paced than the men in So Cali, meaning he didn't start talking about sex right away, but was instead sensual and romantic as hell. This of course, appealed IMMENSELY to my idealistic, romantic nature. I love my job, but have pretty much earned shit wages. I'd rather take less money doing what I love than earn a 6 digit income a year, but having to eat, sleep, and drink my damned job for anything but a temporary period.
The down side, of course, is that although I don't require very much to be happy, in times when money REALLY would make a difference enabling me to travel back and forth to Dublin 3 or 4 times a year, I can't. He flew me out there for a one week affair. That's the farthest I've ever traveled, I guess 5000 miles for a date and for the best sex I've ever had. We kept in touch, but the distance became a strain, and I got my heart broken when he found someone closer to home.
He told me he'd understand if I never wanted to speak to him again, and although the anger in me shouted, FUCK YOU, the forgiving nature of myself prevailed, so we kept in touch by email off and on. At the time I met him, I had kept my meth use to every 90 to 120 days only, at which time I allowed myself 5 days to party, 2 days to recover, but did not drive, work, or leave wherever I was at while high in order to avoid trouble.
This in turn reduced the sting of constant obsession that is a trademark of drug users, in the since that I told myself, that the abstinence is NOT forever, but curtailed. Had I not been following such a schedule, I never could have left the state, let alone the country to be without dope, and for me, that was and is a miracle. The other irony is that Brendan is as straight laced as they come on the subject of anything but occasional alcohol.
He did find out once, by accident, (long story) that I had been a recreational user. The thing was though is that I met him sober, talked to him sober, both on line and off, but he got really freaked out and made me assure him I was over it. As far as he is concerned I was and I am, and I DID try the total abstinence kick for 2 and 1/2 years. I'm not recommending drugs by and means, but the fact is, is that meth feels like bringing an amuzement park home complete with all the roller coaster rides to me instead of me going to it. There is no waiting in line either, haha.
!! I was so angry at this person in front of me today when I was driving home because they were going 10 MPH UNDER yes under the speed limit. I was so angry at them and i am generally a pretty passive person. I'm going to check my PO box twice today! I am so damn excited even though I'm almost positive that they won't be there. yay PO box! I was at work today and they send out papers on new issues. The last paper we had to sign was about transgender and we had to agree to be welcoming and accepting of transgendered and transitioning employees and it went on to explain what transgender was and what transgender employees could wear and all this other stuff. But anyways.. today we got a new paper about soliciting our company name on other websites and blogs and this paper went on to explain what was acceptable forms of soliciting and what we could and could not write in our blogs about our company. I have absolutely no idea where I was going with this 
. I like to write things. it makes me feel like accomplish something. On a different note 
I didn't get my mmcat today 
) to add some flavor.
