Blogs

where ever i plan to have my house, it must be beside/near a large body of water. even if i never place a foot in it, i just feel better when water is around.

it's raining outside and i love it.
i have a sunglass tan line.
there's sand still in my purse.
and i cried a little in the bathroom before we left yesterday morning. not a sobbing cry, just a few tears. it was completely involuntary and i had no idea why it happened. i felt immediate stupidity, splashed my face in the sink, and put my sunglasses back on.

I originally started journals/blogs to document my feeling and experiences in order to reflect on them.

I have been holding back from writing ALL the cravings, feelings and events. I was leading that double-life that many of us end up trying to pull off when in a relationship. My girl knows about BL and said she liked reading my journals/blogs. I told her how to access my journals so that she would know about my IV coke habit that had torn my life into unrecognizable shreds.

I relapsed so I was unable to be specific and open on BL. I had to maintain those two lives, the addict and the boyfriend.

Well, my girl found out about my lying and using and left me.

I can now write somewhat freely to unburden myself. The one fear I have is that 'M' will read how bad my usage has gotten and tell my family out of concern. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN. My mom doesn't need more things to worry about concerning me.

I'm going to take the chance and write openly again. Hell, the plan is to get into rehab anyway so fuck it.

I finally got my MScontin script yesterday after about a week of being off the stuff and living on percocets for the past few days. I also got it 8 days early due to the fact that my friendly hometown pharmacist knows me and fills the script early as long as it's not too outragous.

My doctor is a clueless cunt about opiates and pain management and this works both in and against my favour. On one hand he pretty much gives me any breakthrough pain med that i want from codeine right up to dilaudid. On the otherside of it he won't up my MScontin dose or try me on marinol for my neuropathic pain or even try and send me to a doctor that can prescribe me methadone pills for pain.

Although i like MS IR 30's the best since they are strong they are a real hassle since almost no goddamn pharmacy seems to stock the fuckers . My doctors office is right above a pharmacy and it's right in the heart of the ghetto and even though about 50 people pass through it to get their methadone dose every hour they never stock MS IR 30's and hardly ever stock MScontin 60's.

You would think that a place that has so many junkies around the area would have those meds but no that would be too fucking convienant for me. They don't get many prescriptions for "high potency" morphine pills as they call them. Seems most of the junkies in the city like oxycontin better then morphine and even better then dilaudid. Fuck knows why guess cause it's the "in" opiate right now and get's the most news coverage.

Hanging around there can be pretty depressing. It makes me sad to see some kids that look so young strolling down to get their methadone and they are obviously dopesick. Some of them are barely 18 and look like they are in agony and drippin sweat and lookin pale as a sheet. So i feel sad for them because i have been there many times myself and know that they are in hell.

I got the percs filled there since i was abit dopesick myself and needed something before the codeine wore off and the decline set in. Sitting outside chain smoking for half a hour while some slow as fuck pharmacist takes forever to fill my script is not fun. I have gotten better at playing the waiting game though. I just sit outside in a clonazepam, zopiclone and clonidine induced haze and go off into some weird day dream state and only snap out of it when a really good looking woman walks by. That takes my mind right off the sickness and puts it on other things .

I think thats plenty enough nonsensical ramblings for today. so im going to enjoy this rare sunny and hot day and stop boring everyone with my blog .

Peace to everyone .

My husband had been a bradley commander, on the front lines in Iraq. Part of his job was to be the first emergency responce if something bad happened (IED, attacks, eg: all the bad shit)

But my husband just got promoted to laiason officer. (thank god for college education and computer skills!!) so now, instead of staring danger straight in the face every day, he's sitting behind a desk, writing reports.

He's not excited about it, he feels the need to be there with all of his men, and I respect and understand that. But, he must follow orders. And I am incredibly happy!!!!! He's never 100% safe, none of us are, but he's not out there any more!!! And I'm so fucking excited!!! Thank you God for taking care of my husband!!!

I can breathe now. My husband may be bored, but, fuck, if that's the worst thing you can complain about in regards to your experience in Iraq, thats absolutely freaking wonderful!!!!

I love him so much, and I miss him. I can't wait to be in his arms again... just a few more months. I can't believe that I've gotten this far and survived it. I'm proud of myself, and of him. My husband is a hero, and he's amazing!

So we decided to try something new in Blogs and make a different theme to write about each month.

This isn't a competition or anything, just something to get creative juices flowing and to spice things up around here a bit.

I'll be writing my entry soon, I look forward to reading other people's!

Happy Blogging!

just have to say, yayyy!!! for having access to BL from my blackberry!!!

And buy guns. Learn to use them. The police and military aren't going to protect you when the shit hits the fan. They confiscated guns during Katrina. They will do it again.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNs8t13y8lM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bew_9GeuGA4


YOU are the militia.


Come join me in the gun control thread I've started up, it's fun and lively discussion, I promise!

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=442685

Bye!

Okay, last message here before I pack up my computer. I'm driving to OHIO today!!!!!!!!

I'm so excited!!!! But, only downside, 16 hr trip, and 2 small kids! At least I got DVD players installed in the SUV last night.

I love you all. Once I'm settled in, I will be back on here. Updating with my blogs. Because I know that everyone is interested in every detail of my life, right?

Many

~October

Two weeks ago tomorrow, which would make it a Friday, an acquaintance of mine called up my new bffl, Cheynnyne (pronounced like the capital of Wyoming) and asked if he wanted to go with her on a road trip to DC on Sunday. No one else was yet invited, so I too was invited since I had never been to DC and, well, I'm just fuckin' awesome.

Saturday rolled around and I told my parents that I was going to DC. They were kind of worried, but what parents wouldn't be, especially consider that I've never been on a road trip, or traveled much of anywhere at all. By Saturday night, I was packing my bags, because we were leaving at 2am on Sunday. (Or so I thought.) I left my house with a backpack full of STUFF--nothing too useful really--and told my parents I would see them whenever we got back.

As planned, I wound up in RJ's basement with him and Cheynnyne. We probably hit a bong all night; I can't quite remember the details. When "morning" came around, but really, it was just barely past midnight, I asked Cheynnyne when Meg will be arriving to leave. He looked at me all confused and realized that I had gotten the am/pm thing wrong, and told me we were leaving Sunday afternoon. Meaning I was locked out of my house with no place to crash. So Cheynnyne and I slept in my car. By the time the sun came up, my car was a fucking oven.

Anyway, Chey and I met up with Meg to pick up bud, and then the three of us met up with RJ to smoke before leaving, until we realized, WTF, RJ ISN'T COMING? WHY THE F NOT?!!? So we convinced RJ to come because he had NOTHING better to do. (He's sometimes slightly retarded.) So we picked up bud, dutches, rolling papers, and packed a bong and a bowl with us and hit the road by 3:30.

(The interesting part of the story comes later but I'm too enraptured in other things to actually write much more, but I had to pick someplace to leave off )

I just watched a show that had me in tears.........
The mistreatment of animals, in big ways and small, breaks my heart......
On this show, they were saving the Dancing Bears of India, Sloth Bears.
The bears are bought by gypsy families- who at the bears young age- pierce their face and inserts a large rope in the hole and through their nose.They also put a muzzle on them- The way this is designed the person can tie the rope to a stick and force the bear to dance for people.
It is mostly tourists that pay the gypsies to see the dancing bear.
I guess it has been a tradition of the Kalandar Gypsies and it is how they earn a living.
The bears are starved and abused throughout their lives......
These bears are adorable and docile creatures.
No animal deserves this
Here is a link to more info on a group trying to save the bears......http://www.indianbears.com/

I just had a very deep talk with my neighbor (who, I might add, also cleans my house several times a week, for $, and will be watching my house while I'm away all summer)

We talked deeply about several things, including past/present usage (usage of what?? i'm on bluelight, guess what! lol), and family, and many other things.

I've known her for over 9 months now. She told me that when she first met me she thought I was a bit "prissy and uptight", which, I love. I try very hard to conceal the "real me" (re: anything not 100% socially the norm) from everyone. That made me happy. I'm doing a good job! lol

I feel very close to her. I'm so happy that we have so much in common. I can be honest with her. There are so few people, other than those on BL, who I can be honest with, and not have the fear of betrayel. I have felt very close to her for some time, so its not something new. But it was a much deeper experience tonight, and we talked about so much, even dark, serious stuff, mostly about her family/my paternal family.

I am happy about this. I feel even more free than I did in the past. This is the one time that I'm opening up with someone I haven't known since early childhood (other than family/husband and his family, and here on BL) that I know won't/can't betray me. (I also have too much on her, which I would never/ could never use. No matter what state of mind. Too personal, even if she betrayed me..)

I feel so good about this. I'm almost sad that I'll be leaving for the summer in a few days, but her hubby will be home by then. And I'll be back home before her husband deploys, so we can be there for each other.

Deep talks are so cleansing for the soul. For mine, at least. Talking with like-minded people, esp people associated with the military, is so fucking rare, it doesn't happen (unless they're gossiping bitches, trying to hurt you in the long run)

I feel cleansed. Its so nice to be open. I love it. I love being the true me, its hard to do these days, especially with kids and a family to think of. I deeply appreciate this day.

Time to get off here.

I have to say, I love blogging here, and being me. I just hope it won't kick me in the ass someday (Dave... if you read this... god I hope you're not in law enforcement, even though you're a chemist... lol)

I love being me. Being true to myself. That is so important to me. I've been betrayed too many times.

Take care all... time to read a few more threads, then head to bed.

I BL, I don't know what I'd do without you. I only have just over 200 posts, but I'm a longtime member. I just can't stand the fear of being rejected/criticized, so don't post very much. But I read, and learn, constantly. That has to count for something.

Is not fun

Aint nothin wrong....aint nothin right, and still i sit n lie awake all night...ohh whooa oh......


I been tryna draw more lately so today I made a lil design for a tattoo. concentrating on shit for a while felt good n kept my mind off things. shit looks all fucked up with the computer colors tho. real sketch looks alot better.



Watchin this movie Empire . Alot of memories comes back .

In the driver seat sweat stickin me to the leather. busted seat belt buckle stuck to the front of my shirt with a safety pin so I dont get pulled over for not wearin it , it didnt pull out more than six inches, not enough to get to the buckle part.

Blunts smoked in the twilight walkin down the block, nobody knows. smilin n giggling like two young kids...wat we are....all over the residential streets, crouching on a front porch silent while the L burns. never will forget 9th street til the day i die. endless hours of pokin veins and noddin under shady summer trees, breezes whisperin us awake to take another drive to the spot. lazy and warm like life seen thru a kaleidoscope of green and yellow light.

night time the pavement blacktop still warm from the days heat soakin into the soles of my feet, up up into my soul, a lil glow inside. this little light of mine, im gonna let it shine and shine it did......never did i feel so perfect and whole. and its somethin that can never come back. preserved perfect in memory like a story book tale, the years will go by and the pages will tear, wear down, edges soft like dollar bills...a detail will drop out of my mind like lost pocket change when i bend over and ill forget to pick it up, another piece gone of a time recent literally and a lifetime away truthfully. leanin over the arm rest head on his arm, two hopeless junkies found some comfort in each others in ability to love, content with the strange friendship they found and eyes open to the glitter of the street light and reflections off the glass. damn how did the time pass...............

last summer was a whole lot of beginnings n crashed hard n fast. this summer i feel like a baby. born n learning to walk again. i feel a change stirrin in me like a germinated seed stickin its first green finger tip out of the dirt after it rains.

I want it all. the money and the clothes. The class. fancy restaurants. the breifcase hand off and the poker face connect, big things discussed over trivial desserts, the lexus, the beemer. smell of fresh leather interior and back seat covered in the smell of sex.

But Im scrappin. cable got turned off, Heard my moms singin a song the other night as she was cleanin, "got no job just collection calls, dont got nothin for none of them all, Lord tell me whys it me....got seven channels of shit on tha tee vee........"

cuz the switch over they did or watever it was, we only get static even on the regular channels like 7 and 9, so aint no point. i guess that digital cable shit u cant watch regular tv without a box now. damn thing is worthless than for movies, but cant afford to watch a movie neither, and the internet is the only service we still got on, but got a letter from some big company about downloadin their movies and they gonna cut off our internet if we do it again, so that ones out. better find somethin streaming, quick.....

Shit, Im bout ready to take the tv down to the block and get us some grocerys . Grits for dinner and cereal for days.

No job no insurance. Felony record less than a month old so i cant pull that old made a mistake but im a new person now trick.

I want to get higher n higher n higher n higher..................til the breath stops fightin in my throat and the epic battle of lungs, oxygen, nervous system, the most important war there is, fought in microscopic tubes n vessels, slowly dies down and lay me down to sleep. Ill be dreamin of all I could be.

I'm into post-hardcore, metalcore, hardcore, screamo and rock, including:

A Day to Remember, Still Remains, Eminem, August Burns Red, NOFX, Burden of a Day, Austrian Death Machine, Haste the Day, Jimmy Eat World, Thrice, Oceana, I Killed the Prom Queen, Rx Bandits, As I Lay Dying, Here I Come Falling, Alkaline Trio, Pink Floyd, Northstar, Evergreen Terrace, Years Spent Cold, Midtown, Inspection 12, Tool, On Broken Wings, Attack Attack!, Catherine, Queen, Bloodhound Gang, Age of Ruin, In Fear and Faith, Killswitch Engage, Oh, Sleeper, Something Corporate, My Chemical Romance, Dead to Fall, In Flames, Tenacious D, A Perfect Circle, Knights Of The Abyss, 3OH!3, For the Fallen Dreams, AFI, Our Lady Peace, Emmure, Mortal Treason, Stars Are Falling, Elysia, Fat Joe, As Blood Runs Black.

:D

All I can do is *sigh* these days...

The summer is rolling by, the days getting longer - the nights even longer. Sometimes I get the sensation that i'm watching my life pass by in front of me. There is nothing particularly alarming when I get this sensation, but it seems that is the problem itself. I've lost whatever it was that drove me, or at least I feel like it.

I mean god what a change these last few years have brought. Some good, mostly bad. I look back on the last 3 years and it makes me want to cry. Literally, I feel like i've wasted everything. Wasted my life, my health, my money, my friends, my family, my opportunit(ies), my drive, my ambition, my LIFE. FUCK its hard thinking about this. I mean jesus i'm writing this at Boone Takeout, Lola is in here screaming about a woman at the "country inn and suites" hotel - Lola says, "how not to be a retard, I could teach a fucking class in that shit, man." Shes hilariously crude. Definately a product of her environment. The woman is a survivor. But sometimes, she makes me recoil in disgust and anger.

I'm ranting, and about nothing, so i'll stop. I like to have these things be direct and on-topic but its so hard sometimes. When your writing your thoughts its hard not to write the ones that just decide to just pop into your head. As you can tell i'm a mess right now. I have no stability in my life. I'm a walking bunch of nerves. I plan on using this as my place to come and write my feelings as I begin my detox from opiates/opiods. It will not be fun, it will not be exciting, it will not be painless. It will be hard, grueling, and a test of my willpower and physical and mental bodies. I think that if I can write down, even just some of my thoughts during the terrible experience it will come in handy in my future. I want to be able to remember this for a long time. I cannot slip into the arms of addiction, I have been enveloped in them for far too long. help...

We're piss broke, but pitching in together as well as dumpstering our food I think we can make a humble little feast come together tomorrow. A good friend of ours is in town staying with us, so we are very happy to have his company.

Life has been a struggle here in the winter, but we are making it work every way we know how. Being snowed in and without a phone or way to connect to the world has been a reality I'm just getting used to. I have taken it upon myself to be the water bearer. I unfreeze the pipes and empty the grey water and refill our fresh water every couple days, tromping around in my big galoshes in the snow like Mister Paddington Bear.

By the time it is Summer I feel I will be a different person having lived through a brutal New Mexico winter. It is good preparation for the Summer when we will be moving onto the mesa.

My love has gotten a job in the Ski Valley, teaching snowboarding and skiing to 3 & 4 year olds. Before he officially starts that he has been shoveling snow in 70 mph winds! He wakes up at 6am to drive a half hour up into the mountain. I am very proud to be by his side.

I am starting a new Children's book about very strange mutant-like rare and unusual wonderous creatures who become empowered by their odd behaviors and features. I have so many little stories that I can use and share. I think it is something that I can be passionate about enough to finish, especially by making the entire book myself.

I hope everyone has a wonderful time with what and who they are holding this holiday.

love.

If you're into such things, have a listen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nC80ZNOxSk


And hey check out Jan Helfeld's channel, he's my favorite interviewer!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gYnB9qiAio


SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
THUS, ALWAYS DO I DEAL DEATH TO TYRANTS!

Homeless and stripping and got arrested....

Can the universe give me any more signs that I should get off drugs?

Maybe but I doubt I would listen to them anymore than I am these.

My parents went through my things and told me its either rehab or the street and I am picking the street... because even if i do get clean honestly I want to do it myself and on my own terms, not for them and not by their rules.

I was driving back from the club last night and got stopped by a cop. He could tell I was high and searched for my car and found some coke. They charged with me with possesion and booked me and kept me for a few hours in a cell and let me go (I won't self incriminate but they were the most laid back/awesome-est/stupidest cops ever haha).

Under california law it looks like I'm not going to do any time for this but I'm still so fucked. I am never been arrested before and you would think this would be a wake up call but i dont even give a shit anymore, all i can i care about is this drug.

I need to stop taking the stack because when I'm at work and people try and talk to me I try really hard to not twitch and I still can't help it. I'm all out full body twitching and I know people can see. I go over my boyfriends and he's like did you take the stack and I'm like ::twitch:: no I didn't :;twitch:: and he's all like mmhuuhm and then he gives me the disappointed face. That terrible terrible disappointed face. And how about I'm gonna sit here and whine about how terrible my life is because I never did drugs before my boyfriend and I got back together and then I started doing them and now he doesn't do them and now I'm all alone doing drugs like a loser. Misery wants some company !! I was so angry at this person in front of me today when I was driving home because they were going 10 MPH UNDER yes under the speed limit. I was so angry at them and i am generally a pretty passive person. I'm going to check my PO box twice today! I am so damn excited even though I'm almost positive that they won't be there. yay PO box! I was at work today and they send out papers on new issues. The last paper we had to sign was about transgender and we had to agree to be welcoming and accepting of transgendered and transitioning employees and it went on to explain what transgender was and what transgender employees could wear and all this other stuff. But anyways.. today we got a new paper about soliciting our company name on other websites and blogs and this paper went on to explain what was acceptable forms of soliciting and what we could and could not write in our blogs about our company. I have absolutely no idea where I was going with this . I record a lot more thoughts on this blog because I like the way my words look when I publish it.

Hopefully soon you will all be able to see comments being posted without me having to approve them first. I have asked someone to asssit me in doing this since I am completely lost. I see the box at the bottom and make sure it is always checked to post comment immediately w/o having to approve but it still seems to be a problem. Hope to see you all here later.

I have been having terrible nightmares about my parents finding drugs. When I talk about my parents it makes me feel like I'm a little kid but I am not I assure you! I am a college student who lives at home with my parents and does drugs. Don't judge me! Or at least if you do, don't tell me about it . I gotta stop using smileys this forum is antismiley. But back to the dreams. So I have these terrible dreams that I'm snorting cocaine in my room and my mom comes in or that I'm packing a bowl or other rediculous things that would never happen and I wake up in the morning and I don't know if they are real or not so I just lay in bed and wonder about it until it dawns on me that it's 8am and I have been sleeping for the past 7 hours and that the entire situation was not possible. I know a guy who's a cook and he's really paranoid. He barricades his windows shut and moves twice a month. I bet this is what it's like to be a meth cook... Only on a smaller scale.


I have work for 3 hours. THREE HOURS.

If I was creative I would have a witty little title for my blog. It makes me sad that I cannot think of anything. I hate using my brain. Sometimes I think so hard that I realize that it's really difficult to think that hard and then I force myself to stop thinking that hard thought. I wonder how some people make themselves think such hard thoughts. If it were me I would just decide I didn't want to think that hard and then I would stop...which is actually why I don't have much thinking going on anymore . This makes absolutely no sense what so ever and I completely and absolutely know it. I like myself better when I'm stoned. That was also ridiculous to say. I have decided that I edit my blog entries too much and I want to record my raw thoughts rather than moderated thoughts so I'm refusing to allow myself to backspace anything...even if I completely lose my thought mid sentence I will leave it. After I thought about it I realize that that has no significance but I'm just gonna roll with it cos it makes me feel good tonight . I like to write things. it makes me feel like accomplish something. On a different note I didn't get my mmcat today which makes me sad. It's like Christmas morning every day for me...except I am disappointed and I'm not usually disappointed on Christmas morning because I'm a spoiled little asshole. That was completely ridiculous but it dared me to say it so I did. I win. But anyways back to the cat. So I drive up to the post office every day and stick my little key right into the PO Box and open it ever so slowly to make an even more dramatic effect because I want to tease myself until the last waking second and then I just want to have a big explosive orgasm when I see that orange chemical-filled envelope staring back at me.. but it's never in there. BECAUSE THE FUCKIN DEA CONFISCATED IT AT COMMONS! AHHH! My boyfriend assures me the DEA does not care about my gram of meph. He lies. That was really dramatic. Iwanttotypewithouthittingthespacebar. I've become bored.



This is what I just got when I tried to post my entry:

The following errors occurred with your submission:

1. You have included 5 images in your message. You are limited to using 4 images so please go back and correct the problem and then continue again.

Images include use of smilies, the BB code tag and HTML <img> tags. The use of these is all subject to them being enabled by the administrator.


They want me to go back and read my entire fuckin post to find all the smileys. Whats the beef with the smileys. Jesus christ! I want to stop thinking this hard but I spent a lot of freakin time writing the blog so I'll do it! Goddamn this world!

I want to tell you my story from where it begins, but I wonder if you would bother to read it. It really is interesting, and it doesn't go back all that far, but the last two weeks of my life have been one hell of a ride.

So comment me, let me know if you want to hear about finding my soul mates--yes, I have more than one--and The Great DC Burn Cruise, The Brownie Fail, and The Day That Changed My Life. [Yes, they have official titles, all capitalized and shit.]

I love you all.

crooked_letter.