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I sit here everyday staring at the computer screen. I go from bluelight to opiophile to grind factor to reddit. Read up on the new threads see if anything interesting has happened to anyone. I havent left this tiny house in weeks stuck here a prisoner of convienance. It makes my parents feel safe that I can't leave. They would rather me sit here than have a life. They say at least hey know I'm not using this way. I just wanna die. I mean what would be the differance? I'm already dead inside. The only thing I look forward to is sleeping. I live my life in my dreams. In my dreams I go to concerts I meet girls I get laid occasionally. It's the highlight of my day.

I live on a farm 50 miles from civilization from a job from my friends. My only escape is living on the street and Alabama is not a great place to be on the street. But I don't wanna talk about that. This is my blog not the dark side I shouldn't have to justify why things are how they are. No one understands my situation better than me. I just wish things where different. Haven't I been punished enough for being sad?

I've tried to understand myself better, especially recently as I've been branching out a lot in methods to perhaps finally break through my depression, at least a little. Part of that is trying to understand why the non-chemical methods failed. I would try to understand them better as well, but I think that would require a lot more genetic testing as well as research that simply doesn't yet exist, so it makes more sense to focus on other things.

Therapy is one thing I've been in and out of throughout my entire life. I remember when I was a child, I hated all of my therapists for being "too happy." I suppose that basically means I felt they were fake and could never understand my perspective on life. Realistically, they probably couldn't. Not many people run into someone with so many mental issues who has one digit to their age but hasn't experienced any kind of neglect or obvious trauma. It was the 90s and early 2000s, so I imagine the idea of C-PTSD was still not super out there and well understood, and forget the idea of "developmental trauma disorder." They would have still been looking at trauma as one big event, which you could never find with me.

As an adult, I had difficulty connecting to and being honest with therapists. In part because of the fake persona they often put on. I always felt like therapy was infantilizing. I was being spoken to like a fragile child. And sure, I am fragile about certain things, but it's never destroyed me. The issue is that therapists are all terrified of their clients showing strong emotions, and it's all for liability reasons. I start crying and trying to explain how I'm feeling and why, and they freak out. I had to talk a relatively new therapist out of involuntarily committing me over something like this. It's so stupid to have emotions of sadness replaced by absolute panic when I realize she's looking through her papers because she's scared I'm going to kill myself and doesn't remember the process for imprisoning people against their will when they've committed no crime.

Another therapist actually coerced me into agreeing to be voluntarily committed about 10 minutes into a session. Because of course, if it's involuntary, you have to stay an extra two days. But this was worse -- he also told me that they don't have a social worker on the weekend, which is when those three days would be up, so I would actually have to stay an additional two days beyond that. I later found out that the social worker had actually called my mother and told her they really had no reason to keep me there. Lovely.

These experiences enough could probably stop anyone from being honest with their therapists. It doesn't help that I have substance abuse issues (and was deep into them when etizolam was legal everywhere), and we all know what types of limitations and mistrustful looks you start to get from providers if they find out. But my own mistrust of these types of people probably started even earlier.

I had a lot of health problems when I was young. These were probably the things that triggered my major depression when I was so young. I went to many doctors, trusting that they would be professional, take me seriously, and make me better. Instead, I had a doctor yell at me, accusing me of lying just because he couldn't find a reason for my issues. I had an MS specialist at the Mayo Clinic tell me to my face that kids don't get MS (keep in mind the Mayo already had a whole ass program for kids with MS, what the actual fuck). I had tons of painful tests. The spinal taps were usually the worst, but I also had a CT scan that went very badly. My memories of it are all twisted and wrong, but apparently what happened was the contrast and some other thing they injected were causing me too many weird feelings, and my gall bladder or something was being made to contract from one of them as well. All of these frightening, painful tests and I never got any answers. Fuck, one of the spinal taps I had they literally lost the fluid from, so it was truly suffering I went through for fucking nothing.

Physical doctors had already betrayed my trust horribly. Then a psychiatrist put me on celexa, which ruined my brain. I don't know if it had made me manic or something, but I was a ball of rage that would truly have murdered had I the strength or tools to. I need to emphasize here that I am not exaggerating that. The psychiatrist thought I just had anger management problems and needed to go to therapy for that, and also be on an even higher dose of celexa, a dose that was higher than a child of my weight would ever typically be on. He never did take me off the med. My mother did. And when it was fully out of my system I was back to being fully depressed, but now I had insane guilt about everything horrible I'd done while on the SSRI. I had insane anxiety about socializing, because I was afraid I might be annoying people and after all the shit I pulled I did not have the right to even be a minor inconvenience to anyone.

All of these people have just fucked me over time and time again. I didn't realize it sooner, I think, because I tend to think of therapists in a separate category from psychiatrists and doctors, seeing as they have very different training and responsibilities. But in a way, they are categorically the same. They are supposed experts in their fields who have tools to help you get better with your ailment(s). And every last one of them has let me down, at best. At worst, they've destroyed years of my life and caused something that sure as fuck looks like trauma to me. I can't talk about the medical shit I've referenced here without crying. It doesn't matter how I feel about it in the moment, I will cry. I am crying.

I don't know how I can ever start to legitimately trust any of these people again. I lie to them all the time to protect myself, I never open up to them about how I really feel or what I'm truly struggling with. I manipulate them to give me things I know will be helpful for me on a symptomatic level, because how could I ever just tell them the truth or let them lead my treatment, after what they've done to me?

So, I have eleven years of clean time, and I do participate in NA. They are great, along with my therapy and Reiki healer. I do one of each per week. There are still several areas in life where I feel stuck. As far as I'm concerned, I see nothing wrong with using shrooms or LSD for therapeutic purposes only. So much time has passed since I have been part of a drug culture. In 2013 and before, I would have been able to find a hallucinogen eventually. Sometimes I feel stuck in my anger at my aunt and uncle for being an obstacle to my financial freedom. It makes me fucking furious. The problem is unless I traveled to Oregon, which is another state away, I would have no idea where to buy some mushrooms. So anyway, they might help me get unstuck in areas of my life because I know how to access my spiritual guide, what questions to ask, and perhaps may find some relief from trapped energy. In the past, (except for the last time in 2006) taking shrooms was about getting high, but today it would be for a completely different reason. I know if this rage could be released, I might be able to find some solution. Without the trapped anger, circumstances sometimes change as well. For now, I have to go the slow route, meaning traditional court dates, lawyers, and judges. The problem is that this shit takes fucking forever, and the system is stacked against those of us that have limited funds. I shouldn't have to be going through this, but I am. I was pleased to hear my uncle avoided coming to my house to run an estate sale. Trust and believe I would have asked my aunt and uncle hard questions, and it would have been my pleasure to make them uncomfortable. They deserve such treatment, and I deserve to get some answers from them. So, that said I decided to get all the shit I want out of the house that I can use in my apartment on January 3. The estate sale is supposed to be set up Monday-Thursday. The actual sales are on Friday and Saturday. If I had known that I would NOT be receiving any money from these proceeds, then I never would have agreed to it. My douchebag uncle gets to control everything unless he gets removed by a judge. I am going to send my lawyer an email saying I want to cancel the estate sale and just leave a huge mess for my uncle to deal with on his own. Lawyer will most likely tell me to have it anyway because that money is supposedly going into a trust for my benefit, but what damn good does that do me if I cannot access any of it for rent? My new apartment is $3000/month, but my uncle refuses to disperse any funds for rent or moving. I would love to beat the crap out of him. I'm not sure how this situation will play out, but I wanted to have a modest living and use the savings for emergencies, but he is fucking that up for me. Due to this situation, I get flooded with anger all over again.

The vomiting isn't guaranteed.


It’s happen quite often actually. Personally, I have probably vomited only 2 times in my last 200 ceremonies, haven’t vomited nor felt nauseous for more than 100 ceremonies now. I felt much more nausea and vomited more often in my earlier days, so there might be a connection. Maybe you have purged out a lot of stuff that needs to get cleared by vomiting, I would not make a rule out of it though.

I never know what my next ceremony will be like, surprise seems to be the only constant

Bollomir, May 27, 2024, https://www.reddit.com/r/Ayahuasca/s/uPUPZNw5qw


I have no idea why I don’t purge. I often feel like I might, but then I don’t. I clean out in other ways, certainly. My late husband was the same way. He must have drunk ayahuasca thousands of times and he never purged, not even once. He used to faint, though. I throw up when I have food poisoning or the stomach flu, so it isn’t like my body can’t do it. I find it completely mysterious.

Golden_Mandala, Jul 12, 2024,


In addition, during the session, some people have cramps, shake, or feel pain in various parts of the body, usually those parts that need healing.

All these symptoms that may appear dreadful are in fact a blessing; they add depth to the experience. The emetic and cathartic properties of ayahuasca may be associated with an inner cleansing process by which participants can rid themselves of bad habits, negative emotions, traumas, and so on. Ayahuasca may indeed be a detoxifying agent. After a series of sessions, one woman found that her blood levels of mercury poisoning had decreased drastically. When the session is over, participants very often report that they feel purified. This adds to the next morning’s feeling of inner peace and clarity.

Inner Paths to Outer Space: Journeys to Alien Worlds through Psychedelics & Other Spiritual Technologies. Rick Strassman MD, Slawek Wojtowicz, Luis Eduardo Luna Ph.D, Ede Frecska. 2008. 5. The Varieties of the Ayahuasca Experience. Ayahuasca's Physicality (Luna)


Many emetics arent toxic. Just because something makes you puke doesnt mean its toxic. Emetics are usually used to treat toxic ingestions, not to cause toxic reactions themselves.

Tannins in the Ayahuasca can most certainly make you puke. But everyones body is different, so what dose makes one person puke wont necessarily cause another person to puke. But emetic reactions are not the only reason people puke on Ayahuasca - energy has a big part to do with it. I have seen Ayahuasca shamans make a patiant puke just from such intense energy work even though the patiant didnt take any plants themselves. I've also seen people feel fine for hours after drinking then suddenly puke way later when some big energy came up. If you get more experienced with Ayahuasca you quickly learn that while the physical brew might make people purge sometimes, a lot of purging happens from other reasons like emotions and energy that need to be released.

I have drank huge doses without nausea before and have also purged heavily from tiny doses when there was a lot of energy to release. If you try to understand Ayahuasca on only doses and physical chemical reactions you will never understand it, because there is so much more to it then that.

MapachoCura, Jul 13, 2024,


Here is a relevant quote about mescaline:

Charles Savage was convinced—this the first real argument I had with him—that mescaline was an emetic. I said, “No, it's not an emetic. It's just that people get into things that make them sick. But if the experience is conducted right, that can be avoided and those things resolved without their throwing up.” Well, he didn't agree with me, but I don't think we ever had a person throw up, in all our foundation's work.

Higher Wisdom: Eminent Elders Explore the Continuing Impact of Psychedelics. Walsh R, Grob CS (editors). 2005. 3. Myron Stolaroff


This LSD study is also relevant. It says that out of 42 treatments, vomiting was only experienced 3 times:

Experimental physiological studies with lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD-25). Forrer GR, Goldner RD. AMA Arch Neurol Psychiatry. 1951 May;65(5):581-8. doi: 10.1001/archneurpsyc.1951.02320050038004.

See ‘Results’.


In this video, the guru says that psychedelics “don't have any side effects”, and this claim is remarkable as she also conveys that she isn't an advocate of psychedelics:

Technow Savvy Programs for Progress in Meditation: Are They Effective? (1:57). Anandmurti Gurumaa, YouTube, Jul 9, 2009


Video description of a video about ayahuasca purging:

Do you always have to vomit during Ayahuasca?. Maria Johanna, YouTube, Aug 15, 2019

When people think about Ayahuasca, they often think that purging is always part of the experience. But this is definitely not true! Not everyone has to vomit during their Ayahuasca experience. I would say that 50% of the participants have to purg, and the other half do not. Another thing is that purging in a Ceremony is not the same as when you’re ill. It’s a different experience. It helps you to release, to let go and to go deeper. A lot of people experience purging during a Ceremony even as comforting!

The healing medicines

Ayahuasca is an healing medicine. It’s not something you do for fun. It’s serious business. And for most people it’s a life-changing experience. When people want to do Ayahuasca for the first time, I recommend them to do 2 days in a row. That’s because many times the first Ceremony is all about cleaning up and also throwing up.

Cleaning to open up

There are several reasons why it can be that you have to vomit during an Ayahuasca Ceremony. It can be that your body has to be cleansed before you can open the portals that lead you deeper inside for the experience that you need. Your body is not used to go that deep. When you purg, you raise your frequency and you open up your consciousness and your true potential.

Surrender

It can also be the case that you have difficulties to surrender, that you want to be in control. The purging can help you to surrender. You throw up to surrender to the medicines. Sometimes people are fighting against the medicines, against thier journey, because they want to stay in control. They are fighting until they finally throw up and in so many cases people have after the vomiting they have the most wonderful experience they could ever imagine.

Healing work

But one of the most important reasons for purging during an Ayahuasca Ceremony is because you are doing healing work. We all are carrying trauma. Even if you’re not aware of it. There have been moments in your life, when you could not express the emotions that you were feeling at that moment. Ayahuasca can lead you back, into your past and let you re-experience these events. The emotions of these past experiences are still stuck in your body and by throwing up, you can heal this and let go of it forever. This could have to do with a trauma from the past, certain behavior or even addictions. It can also be the case that you have blockages in your system and therefore you can’t love yourself enough. And by releasing these blockages you can love yourself more.

Other ways of releasing

The energy can also choose another way to clean the body or release emotions. In that case it could be that you suddenly have to go to the toilet. It can also be that you sweat a lot during your experience or that strong breathing is helping you. In all cases these things occur to help you to clean and/or release.

Don’t be scared to throw up

I would really like to point out to you, that you don’t have to be scared to come to an Ayahuasca Ceremony because of the vomiting that could be part of your experience. Purging is just a moment. Many participants say it is such a relieve to purge during an Ayahuasca Ceremony. And they feel they can release something and they feel just wonderful. So, you don’t have to be scared for throwing up. And remember, it’s good to choose the path where you fear is, because when you go beyond your fear, is exactly the place where you set yourself free.

This whole estate foolishness is still going on. I curse the fact that I never thought to ask Mom to update the trust. Uncle Shitty is still in charge, but my lawyer and I are in the process of getting him removed. This whole thing has been a joke. I can't believe a word that either he or his lawyer says. My aunt and uncle are no longer talking to me, but I say good riddance. All because they want to control or get money from my inheritance. The process is infuriating, and I cannot believe that I am tethered to a couple of assholes. I wasted no time going about the process of getting an apartment. It took a minute, but it's all ready to move into. I got a two bedroom, two bath so that I could have a bit more room to put some of Mom's furniture in. I also have two cats that will be moving with me. The new part of my life is exciting on one hand, but sad on the other. This house has been a part of my history on and off since 1977. So, mom is gone, the house will soon be gone, and I continue to fight for my financial security. I move out of my house and into my apartment on January 3rd. I will miss the security of my house, but at least I don't have to go through this process loaded. I am more lucid now that I was getting loaded and have more choices available. If I were getting loaded, it would have been so much easier for uncle shitty to take what's mine. That said, sobriety isn't always fun, but harder for others to pull the wool over my eyes.

This thread is for gathering information relatable to the anti-psychotic medication Invega.

Feel free to provide relevant information. You will not be banned or blocked for spam.

Peace and Love! And God bless you.

This is a copy of my strychnine thread on The Shroomery. It was deleted by a mod, along with other posts of mine about strychnine.

I also made a thread about strychnine on this site:

Strychnine's association with peyote and LSD

s240779 said:
Although strychnine is primarily known as a poison, it has an interesting history of medicinal use in low doses, especially in Asia.

“Strychnine and brucine although being toxic in nature have remarkable therapeutic action.”[1]

I first became interested in strychnine after reading someone's posts about it on Bluelight. The person says it's his "favorite stimulant", "favorite nootropic, and it works wonders as far as the potentiation of psychedelics." He even says it's "extremely similar to a non-hallucinogenic dose of acid".[2] Just recently, I came across two more user reports of strychnine, as well as historical information about its use as a drug rather than a poison. This motivated me to buy a cheap Nux vomica tincture from India and try it. My experience was in accord with the person quoted. I was very impressed with the effect, although for me it was primarily somatic, with only a hint of a psychological effect, so not spectacular, like he says. However, I also get very disappointing results from cocaine and amphetamines (i.e. weak mood elevation, short duration, and a bad crash), because I'm severely depressed, so that may have weighed down on the effect of strychnine. Regardless, I found the effect to be much better than nothing and I can't wait to get more. I've found that Nux vomica extract is sold for cock fighting roosters, so there's no need to order it from overseas.

I'm very excited about this because it's exactly what I was looking for: a cheap, legal substance that has a substantial effect. I bet it synergizes with a low dose of harmine or harmaline. I don't like their effects in substantial doses, but I do like them in very low doses. Such doses are good when combined with a psychedelic, but too faint by themselves. Strychnine may serve as a substitute for the psychedelic.

Check out my Bluelight thread for more info about strychnine: Strychnine's association with peyote and LSD


1. TLC Determination of Strychnine and Brucine of Strychnos nux vomica in Ayurveda and Homeopathy Drugs. Rathi A, Srivastava N, Khatoon S, Rawat A. Chromatographia 67(7):607-613, Apr 2008. DOI: 10.1365/s10337-008-0556-z

2. Viṣakaṇṭha, Nov 23, 2013. All his posts about it are on this page:

https://www.bluelight.org/community...-as-a-motivational-boost.503184/post-11972780

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Asante said:
This has my interest for decades, I'd love to pick up a gram of strychnine nitrate. For obvious reasons the pure product is hard to come by.

People have gotten cramps from as little as 5mg, you have to keep the dose painstakingly low.

It lowers your convulsive threshold.

Be very careful with this, its a horrid poisoning if you take too much.

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s240779 said:
I know. I already took too much. I described my experience on page 2 of that thread. Why strychnine nitrate?

Many overseas chemical companies sell strychnine and there's even a U.S. one that seems to be willing to sell it to anyone provided they pay an extra $70.

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TrancedOutBrah said:
What's it feel like kinda? Any other drug somewhat similar to it in terms of feeling?

The dosage makes or breaks it. I had never heard of anyone using this recreationally or for productivity

Sounds like a horrible way to poison yourself. Wouldn't be the first time I've nearly killed myself from being stupid

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s240779 said:
Based on my one positive experience, primarily somatic, like the body highs of LSD and an opioid combined (it has kind of a metallic feel), and a hint of mental clarity. It's good, but not psychological enough for me, which is why I think harmalas would complete it (and vice versa, cuz, as I said, desirable doses of harmalas are too faint for me).

When I first got it, I did only tiny doses, of course, which didn't induce a noticeable effect...except when I dozed off: I started having mild convulsions in my sleep. They shook me awake! It was pleasant cuz it was so mild, it was like, don't doze off 'til it's time to go to bed! Seems like a great way to stay energized throughout the day! It's also so interesting that it was only when dozing off that my body became sensitive enough to its activity at such a dose.

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TrancedOutBrah said:
Have you tried Harmine by itself?

I meant to make a new batch yesterday but didn't get around to it.

Not sure what you mean by feint tho. I had a full on trip on 4g of rue with tracers like I've never seen before and quite euphoric at times. Did get nauseous and puke in the beginning but that all subsided with some ginger and peppermint then became enjoyable.

After experiencing that, I cut out Harmaline and now have tried just Harmine and experienced no nausea, tracers+clean euphoria. I was surprised to learn it has a reverse tolerance even

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s240779 said:

TrancedOutBrah said:
Have you tried Harmine by itself?

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Yeah, 99% pure from China.

TrancedOutBrah said:
Not sure what you mean by feint tho. I had a full on trip on 4g of rue

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I'm saying, the highest dose of harmine that does not give me negative effects is so low that the effect is faint.

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TrancedOutBrah said:
How much was it if you remember by chance?

Interesting that you had a weak experience with it. It's true though that you can def get negative side effects from too much rue though, can be very uncomfortable and in extreme causes life threatening

Strychnine seems interesting though from your description

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s240779 said:
The amount that fits in the bottom of a standard vitamin capsule.

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Asante said:
Strychnine nitrate, atropine sulfate, scopolamine hydrobromide.. those were the salts won from the common extractions.

Of course strychnine HCl is just as good if not better.

It's scary stuff.

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TrancedOutBrah said:

s240779 said:
The amount that fits in the bottom of a standard vitamin capsule.

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Oh sorry I meant $$$ from china

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ShiroiTora said:

Asante said:
People have gotten cramps from as little as 5mg, you have to keep the dose painstakingly low.

It lowers your convulsive threshold.

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For this reason I highly recommendation you not to take strychnine with harmalas. It's not only a neurotransmitter thing, metabolizing enzymes are also involved, and if one of them happens to be the one that metabolizes strychnine you might very well end up taking a lethal dose, no matter how careful you are.

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Bardy said:
Yeah. Taking strychnine by itself is stupid enough, but combining it with harmalas just seems monumentally retarded and self destructive.

I’m sorry for the harsh words, I really am, but I just feel like you have a death wish OP. What do you think there is to gain by taking strychnine? Like seriously? Do you think it’s going to give you an edge over other people? Do you think you’re going to start breaking records and becoming the most productive person you can be? Because don’t we all know that’s a load of shit. Anyone who has ever done stimulants for those reasons knows that is the false promise of stimulants. And this is fucking strychnine man… Jesus. We’re literally talking about taking rat poison right now.

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s240779 said:

ShiroiTora said:
For this reason I highly recommendation you not to take strychnine with harmalas. It's not only a neurotransmitter thing, metabolizing enzymes are also involved, and if one of them happens to be the one that metabolizes strychnine you might very well end up taking a lethal dose, no matter how careful you are.

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In vitro Metabolism of Strychnine by Human Cytochrome P450 and Its Interaction with Glycyrrhetic Acid. (2012). Liu, L., Xiao, J., Peng, Z., Wu, W., Du, P., & Chen, Y. Chinese Herbal Medicines, 4(2), 118-125. DOI: j.issn.1674-6384.2012.02.005

Inhibition of human cytochrome P450 enzymes 3A4 and 2D6 by β-carboline alkaloids, harmine derivatives. (2011). Zhao, T., He, Y., Wang, J., Ding, K., Wang, C., & Wang, Z. Phytotherapy Research, 25(11), 1671-1677. DOI: 10.1002/ptr.3458


But you're not taking dose into account. As you saw, I said I only like very low doses of harmalas, i.e. to add some spice to an orally active psychedelic. Such doses are not sufficient for oral DMT and probably aren't sufficient for much of anything (except an observable "spicing up" of a psychedelic). People never seem to want to take dose into account when evaluating things like this. The MAOI attribute of harmalas is, of course, notorious, and people are always warning that, e.g. MDMA and SSRIs are likely fatal in combo with harmalas, and yet there are reports of these combinations, one of them from Bardy, who posted in this thread.* People act as though these combos are so bad that almost any dose will put you in the hospital or kill you. I, myself, tried both Zoloft and Lexapro with low doses harmalas. I didn't get a negative effect (the Zoloft gave me a potent stimulant effect). To just insist that any dose is bad is unscientific. A much more reasonable reply would be to say start with only a fraction of the dose(s).

edit Now I see that you did take dose into account, cuz you said, "no matter how careful you are". I don't know why you would assume such a thing. These aren't, like, the most powerful things in the world. Why would you just assume that it's so dangerous?


*See the bottom of this post: https://www.shroomery.org/forums/showflat.php/Number/28975090#28975090

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just that. I can feel my iq points dropping. anyone wanna chat?

today, i took my usual meds, as well as took the Very last of my 3-ho-pce. i washed out the baggie and swallowed the remnants with water + gave it a wash, then drank that.

An hour after that, i checked my bank account and saw i had some money, so i walked down to the vape shop after putting my clothes in the dryer, as today it was/isnt too hot for once, only around 100F (dry heat so its manageable)

bought a 5 pack of "shroom gummies" i presume are just liike, 4-aco-dmt/etc compounds, went to 7/11 and got a sub and doritos, made my way back and checked my laundry then showered real quick to wash sweat off.

i ate some of my sandwich and dosed 2 of the gummies, around 3:15 PM and now its a bit after 5!

WOW!! what a breath of fresh air!! since then, i;ve (NOT in order):

• finished drying my laundry and put it all away
• caught up with a friend i havent talked to in 2 years
• called my mom while putting away my laundry just to shoot the shit with her
• VCed my friend i rarely if ever VC
• finished an overdue art commission ive been pestering myself to do for over a month
• talked to my boyfriend's parents and gave them updates
• applied to a few more dispensary jobs on account of a bluelighter linking me some nearby to apply to!!

and i just feel generally light, happy, euphoric, and such. Not a high, but there is one if i rifle through my brain hard enough i guess? but mainly sober, chill... really good :0 i was put off from psychedelics, especially the hallucinogeny ones, because i was jsut used to macrodosing, however this feels quite pleasant. even if its placebo, it feels quite awesome and boosting.

also, new medication regime is going smooth, i feel my mania subsiding and feel very overall pleasant and nicer. tomorrow i up my trileptal dose more, as well as up my abilify. good show jolly good show !

This one is only half done at most it's my ode to star trek deep space nine.


This one is done it's diacetylmorphine in lewis dot structure

Hi, my name is Josh and I am an addict. A meth addict to be exact. I launched a site called AndIAmAnAddict.com I know I am not unique. I share similar experiences, hardships, and hope with other addicts. So then why am I making this site? The answer is two fold. First and foremost, it’s a way for me to put my recovery into something tangible. A time capsule of my journey so to speak — allowing me the opportunity to see where I was, where I am, and where I’m going. After all, this is a journey, not a destination. The second, if in someway the site helps just one person — then that’s more than I could have hoped for

Obviously, I would love my experience to help more than one person. Like many of us, I future trip. I have a vision of what I want this site to be and genuinely would love to see it come to fruition. However, if it doesn’t, that’s OK. After all, personal recovery comes first. It’s only then can we truly help those who still suffer.

I should warn you, I am not a writer. I have horrible grammar skills. My sentence structure will almost always be wrong. If that bothers you, I don’t know what to say. Except, keep coming back, maybe it will get better…

My intentions of using drugs is never meant to hurt anyone but me. I don’t think about them when using. That sounds harsh but its the truth. When using, I have one thing on my mind. Getting high. My family is collateral damage.

Today, I choose to believe my recovery is not a coincidence. I don’t know why I am still here, but someone or something wants me to be. I am committed to figuring out why.


andIAmAnAddict.com

Things have really been tough lately. First, my mom died. Now, I have to explain why life has become so difficult lately. I have almost eleven years of recovery and mom wrote a trust for me seventeen years ago, making my uncle trustee and me beneficiary. First off, both mom and I completely forgot about the fact that years ago she made my uncle trustee. If I had remembered, I would have asked her to change the trust and she would have because I have been the one responsible for her health and wellbeing, and her body kept breaking down putting more and more responsibility on me. Since I am an only child I get all the money, but also all the responsibility. We should have foreseen the fact that my uncle and his wife would try to get as much money out of this situation as possible. Uncle has always been the kind of guy to borrow money from everyone and never pay it back, except for once when decades ago, my dad threatened to tell his wife if he did not pay up. Anyway, it was bad enough losing mom, but now my aunt and uncle are trying to get everything they can.

They walked in here acting like they owned the place, MY house and aunty is telling everyone how great mom's furniture is going to look in her house. To say that this is infuriating is an understatement, which made it necessary to get a lawyer involved. Uncle got one right off the bat. I have university starting up at the end of August and I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to start school, but my lawyer told me that this nightmare could go on for two years. TWO YEARS? Mom wanted me to have this money in addition to work, because I am low income and now aunt and uncle are trying to take my inheritance away, or as much as possible. Uncle has stolen from the trust which makes me want to press charges. Meanwhile, things break in the house leaving me responsible to foot the bill. I'm trying to get my uncle removed as trustee, but this is a nightmare. My lawyer tells me that I cannot sell anything in the house to pay for his bills and I'm thinking it's time for a new lawyer.

Also, I'm going to have to move into an apartment and trying to move during all this is less than ideal. I'm having to research a lot and try to talk to the right people to get the right advice to help me navigate this nightmare. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I'm sure putting that theory to the test. Also, my job moved, which means I no longer get to see the kitty. My job specifically asked that I NOT adopt the kitty because she has been in that neighborhood for ten years. I feel awful because I don't want her to think she got abandoned. Pets are a Godsend during trying times, so I miss the cat while enjoying the dog for as long as I can.

Hi, my name is, Josh and I am an addict. The way addiction affects us mentally should come as no surprise. Our obsessions with the thoughts of using drugs consume us. For me, this was a cycle that was hard to break. Once I had the idea of using drugs, I would find myself lighting up, wondering how I got from point A to Z. It was almost like I was on autopilot.

It was the last week of March 2023. I do not remember the exact day, I want to say it was a Friday, but I could be wrong. My now ex, let us call him Jason, had told me, while I was at work, he was not sure if he wanted to be monogamous. Like really? While I am at work? I knew this was a possibility when getting into the relationship, as he mentioned it might be something he wanted down the road. This conversation had happened one time prior and I thought he was over it. In hindsight, I should not have pursued something with him. As I have mentioned in the past, relationships are like drugs to me, so of course I went all in with this guy. We met online through the gay app Scruff, which is not as bad as Grindr, which is just a place of pure evil if you ask me. We had our first date on the 4th of September 2022, became boyfriends on October 1st, and moved in together by the end of November. Talk about moving too quickly. I liked it though. It was a rush of adrenaline, a new high. In a sense I became obsessive with him and thought of us being together. Read Full Blog Post

I guess I'm the crazy person who is holding on too tight. This relationship has been withering on the vine for a long time now. I love her so much but I hate her at the same time. She is awful to me in ways I never thought she would be. I just wanted her to love me. I'm not perfect in fact I probably suck too. We are fucking toxic at this point. It's shocking how something which was so incredibly beautiful ends up dead and withered.

I still care so much about her. I just love her too pieces. She is my best friend. But I'm going to lose her. And then I'm going to kill myself because there won't be anything left on this planet for me. So if your reading this years later babe just know that I care so fucking much about you. I wish I didn't say the ugly things I do. Your beautiful your smart your amazing in every way and I love you till my last breath of air. I'll be at the old apartment waiting for you under the covers. Don't forget me. Somewhere it will always be November of 2019

So I'm sitting at the bus stop wearing my nasty ass hoodie in July untied timberlands and basketball shorts. I really think I should act my age but fuck it. Ive been shooting "fetty" as they call it here for like at least a couple years now I think. I don't even remember when we relapsed. But it's been a grinding long run that I can't seem to bring to a close. All runs end eventually it's the nature of an all consuming addiction. You go until you can't anymore. arrest rehab maintenance whatever. Otherwise death will be the most inevitable outcome. But this run will not cease. It's a fucking zombie

Hello, Bluelight. I am here, once again, to vent. It needs to be done.

Basically, I want to know WHY people are allowed to do fucked up things to me and get away with it. Rape? Oh, it's okay - don't do it again. Attempted murder? Oh, it's okay - you can keep your job and roam free while the case goes up to the D.A., who probably won't even do anything. WHY THE FUCK IS IT NOT LIKE THIS FOR THE REST OF SOCIETY. I swear to you, I have the worst luck ever. And I'm not going to lie, it really makes me jaded. And in the spirit of honesty, because I am a broken person who will never be healed and I might as well just finally fucking accept that, it makes me lose faith in humanity and it confirms what I suspected all along: no one cares. I could be murdered tomorrow and the killer could turn himself in the next day, and they'd just give him a slap on the wrist. You think I'm kidding but I'm really not.

Yes, the rape thing doesn't affect me anymore. I'm long past that. But the fact that I tried to get help for it... and in doing so, I got in trouble instead, slapped with a "false official statement", my rank and pay taken away, lost friends because their superiors told them they weren't allowed to associate with me, and branded a liar by the entire base (it was a small base where everyone knew everyone fml)... THAT bothers me. It still keeps me up at night. I have a lot of rage towards a lot of people. Him... my BnCo... my "friends" that didn't have my back, who could have stepped up and proved I wasn't lying but chose to remain silent... my "friends" that turned on me when I REALLY needed them, even though they knew I was telling the truth, just because their superiors told them not to... did I mention my BnCo?... those are the main ones that keep me up at night, but there are a lot of people. I'm mad at myself too, for even putting myself in that situation. Mostly I shy away from thinking about it, because when I start, I don't stop. I get caught in a loop, and my mind turns to every single person who was responsible for my downfall, one at a time, and I think about how fucked up it all was, and I think about how I spent the next year drinking just to keep myself above water, and it's all downhill from there because my rage keeps building. Until I finally pop a Xanax or whatever other drug is available, or until I finally cry (which doesn't happen as often as I like - it really is a great stress reliever but sometimes it just DOES NOT COME) and I'm exhausted enough to fall asleep.

And now there's this. THIS BITCH almost fucking killed me two weeks ago. I have permanent HEARING LOSS because of it. MEMORY LOSS. CONCUSSION. AGGRAVATED PTSD. Hello, why the fuck is she allowed to roam the streets right now? She didn't get fired from her job (she works for my therapist as an intern and actually has her own psych patients... how sick and twisted is that?) I haven't heard jack shit from the police or my lawyer. I understand it's being treated as an attempted murder case, and needs to go to the D.A., and that could take a while... but I'm starting to think no one is taking this seriously. Why? Because I have yet to be asked to make an official statement. No one has been called up as a "character witness" like the police said, to my knowledge. And I THINK one of my friends... whatever the FUCK that means... or family would have informed me by now if they had. They never even collected any evidence from me, saying they would get it from the hospital (which I don't believe they are actually doing). My lawyer collected evidence, but he's worried about taking the case... not because he's afraid I won't win, but because he's TOO afraid I'll win and she won't be able to pay it. WHAT THE FUCK.

There is no justice in this world. None.

Oh yes, and on top of dealing with all of this, my grandmother is dying. My mom is understandably very stressed out, so I've offered to go watch her for a few hours each day, which I've been doing for the past two weeks. Watching someone I love die right in front of my eyes is not good for my mental well-being right now. One or the other, I could handle on my own. But both of those situations compounded, it's driving me into a wall. Of course, no one knows about this. I'm not going to tell my mom that it's affecting me as much as it is, because she'll tell me I'm being selfish. So I'm not really talking to anyone about it. It's like deja vu. The whole rape situation all over again. Forced to keep a traumatic event locked inside my head, not getting help for it, and it's turning me into someone I'm not. Someone I swore I'd never be again.

Also, I'm being attacked by all sides. I swear it's like every single day, someone says something or does something to me that's really inconsiderate... today, for example... this guy told me he was going to have his girlfriend beat my ass, and then proceeded to hurl every possible insult at me... all the while someone else was texting me similar bullshit. Why? Because I asked him if he could get Xanax. And he said he would, and then flaked. And I told him exactly this: "I'm not hitting you up anymore, this is the second time you've flaked." EXACT WORDS. I'd had no prior beef with this guy, ever, and somehow that warranted threatening me and then insulting me like there was no tomorrow? Not just from him, but from his girlfriend, his family, and his friends too? He had SO many people text me. All because I called him a flake. Double what the fuck.

Do you know how many times I've been told I'm worthless in the past few weeks? I don't know either, because there's too many to count. But it's been a lot. And yeah, you can hold your head high all you want because you know it's not true, but when it comes down to it... when you hear it enough times from enough people, you start to believe it.

If I was a weaker person, I would have offed myself a while ago. But I won't, because I wouldn't do that to my family. A week and a half ago, I was bursting into tears at random intervals from thinking about the fact that I was *thisclose* to not being here on this earth anymore. Now I'm crying at random intervals because I still am. I wish she had killed me. It would have been a painless, unconscious death... and I would have moved on to be free from all of this emotional and mental pain that's so ridiculously strong it actually hurts physically... my heart literally hurts... but I would have finally moved on to be free from all of that once and for all.

Instead, I'm still here dealing with it. I have no hope that it will get better. My life will not get better, ever. It will be a continuous string of fucked up, traumatic events... the cycle will continue the way it has since the day I was born. My brain will continue to adapt to this realization the best way it knows how, which is to shut off. Not care for a while, about anything at all. One day it's going to shut off forever, I'm sure. And then I'll be left by myself, and it will be all my fault, because of this fucked up defense mechanism I have.

I guess it doesn't matter. I have no desire to better my life... meet new people... get married... have kids... nothing. Because what's the point? It all turns to shit in the end, for me anyway. More and more people are proving themselves to be fake... not my real friends... and I don't trust anyone. At all. Anymore. Not even my family.

I'm not going to kill myself, don't worry. I just wonder what the POINT of living really is. I don't think there is one. At least there's peace in the fact that humans aren't immortal... and someday (even if it's 50+ years from now), I'll be gone forever and none of this shit will matter anymore. I can't wait. It's sad, but the only thing I have to look forward to anymore is my own death.

When and how did things get like this? It is truly a cruel and fucked up thing, to be able to want to die but not believe in suicide, and therefore be forced to wait until either... a) someone does it for me, once and for all... or b) nature takes it's course. I am actually jealous of people who are either too weak to deal with life, or strong enough to actually... you know... go through with ending it. Either way, I am not suicidal - never have been and never will be - does the thought cross my mind? Sometimes, yeah. But my immediate response is to feel disgusted and my brain automatically rejects it. And I think that's a really fucked up trait for God (if he exists) to give me, if he also insists on throwing all this shit at me. Cruel and unusual punishment, indeed.

It really has been one thing after another ever since I was born. I already revealed more of the gory details than necessary, so I won't get into the rest of the shit life has flung at me, even as a child. I'll just say I didn't have a childhood at all, that I was forced to grow up too fast, and leave it at that.

Hell, even my birth parents knew I was worthless before I was even born. And if the people who conceived you even feel that way, what hope is there for anyone else?

Exactly.

Life is just sick and twisted. I could go on forever, but at the same time, I have no words. All the better, no one is listening anyway. So, rant over. On paper/internet anyway. I'll never heal from this little revelation, I don't care how much therapy I go through, things are never going to be the same. I am never going to be the same. Then again, I lost myself a long time ago... so I guess that doesn't matter either, does it?

This blog is private by the way. I don't want other Bluelighters to see it. It just feels like... bad form... or a bad example... to let regular users see a mod talking this way. Therefore, it is private, and it will be staying that way unless I regret writing this later and decide to delete it.

Bye for now.

I find reiki very helpful. I've had a few treatments. It is an alternative medicine that has been helpful in treating pain, depression, and chronic fatigue. I see a regular M.D. and for some things she is very helpful, but reiki has helped combat this crippling depression and fatigue that has occured since mom died. So, at work, I've gotten very close to this kitty that was abandoned about ten years ago. I so look forward to seeing her on my work nights. I have noticed she has had a running nose, sneezing, drinking a lot of water for a cat, and seems to wince in pain when I pat her right side. I suspect the kitty is diabetic or has kidney disease. I know she has a compromised immune system because she was diagnosed with "cat aides" a few months back. So, Monday morning I brought my cat carrier and was all ready to take her to the vet. However, she was having none of it. She hated the cat carrier and after several tries of putting her inside, I decided I wasn't going to force it on her. "Come on, kitty, I'm trying to help you!" I said. I sighed and resigned myself to the fact that the vet trip was not going to happen. I figured she may need some antibiotics to treat a respiratory infection and maybe another shot to boost her immune system. So, instead I decided to pay for a remote reiki session for her which she will get tomorrow. I've become very close to this kitty over the last five and a half years and if anything hope it will help to make her more comfortable the way it has helped me.

So, I lost it a bit at university yesterday. Mom wrote out a trust 17 years ago which states that I get everything in the house, plus the house itself upon her death. Since I was using in 2013 and before, mom made my uncle (and now my busybody aunt is involved) trustee and me beneficiary. This means I get the money, but only if and when my uncle says so. He also decides how much, if anything. I knew about the trust years ago, but when mom told me about it, I assumed she stipulated an allowance every month, but not so. I have been very responsible with money during the last 10 years, in fact I was the one that ran the house and paid all of her bills when she was sick. So, I got an email from my uncle asking all kinds of questions like how much was in mom's bank account, who is beneficiary, does she have another will or a safety deposit box, ect. This really rubbed me the wrong way and I kind of lost it at school. It makes me sick that I have to worry about not having autonomy on top of losing mom and the house I have lived in on and off since 1977. I wrote a nasty text venting to my friend about my aunt and uncle. My friend and I planned

on a get together at the house with 20 people or less. My aunt took it upon herself to invite 100 people, most of them strangers, so I am still pissed about that. The problem is I got railroaded into going to my aunt's stupid party and if I don't attend I will look like an asshole. I don't plan on speaking at her fucking party about mom because I'm still pretty pissed off. Becky took my celebration away from me and now I'm being forced to interact with all these crippin strangers this Saturday. Honestly, I'm amazed I have managed not to be rude to anyone about it. Then, on top of this bullshit, I get bombarded with questions about mom's finances. She never bothered to change the terms of the trust, but if she were alive, things would be different. So what I did was explain my situatiuion to my AI and asked it to help me draft a letter to my uncle asking him to step down. There are no people available to help me, so I asked the AI, otherwise my tone would come across as angry and sarcastic. I made changes in the letter where appropriate, so now the tone is polite, but assertive. I'm glad I took the time to cool off for a day before responding to my uncle's email. I don't look forward to his response, but I know what the answer is going to be.

So, I'm going through all of this in addition to school, having to have an estate sale, finding a new place to live, not knowing what the fuck is in store for me in the future. I get very upset at being treated like a child, when I have been managing my mom's as well as my own financial affairs. On top of this there is all this change at work which sucks. I really hate life now. I'm glad I get to see my therapist today.

So, I got an interesting piece of snail mail today. I saw that it was addressed to me, but had no idea who the person sending it was. Eventually, I saw that the person and I shared the same last name, but asked out loud, "Who is Maximus? And why is he sending me a card?" I saw some pictures of a young guy with a dog and the card said that he had graduated high school. "Well okay, mystery boy," I thought. I have 2 half brothers and 1 half sister and we all share the same biological father. I did get to meet 1 of my half brothers and my half sister. Brother Ed moved up to Washington and he ended up having 4 boys, 1 with 1 woman and the rest with his wife. Since I rarely bother with Facebook, I never "see" my siblings and their family. The reason being, there are some people that I deeply regret ever knowing on "Facebook." Some people are flat out dicks. I think about 5 or 6 years ago, I tried to "friend" Maximus or one of my brother's sons on FB, but he never accepted me. I figured that he saw me as some adult perv wanting to talk to a then 13 year old was the reason I was declined. That was rare for me to reach out, because I normally don't. I let it go and figured that was that. Then, today out of the blue, I get this card from my nephew that I have never met. I was actually surprised that they even bothered, but what the hell. I've never even said hello to this kid and then there he is on these pictures of he and his dog announcing his graduation and that he was going to go to college in the fall to become a nurse.

I thought that was interesting. I had been one too, although not since 2012. Now, I work in a drug treatment program for women and have for almost 6 years. I don't think I'd be expected to send this guy a gift, but then I thought, why not. I had no idea what this stranger may or may not like, but remembered something Mom told me years ago. "Boys and men love trains. It doesn't matter how old they are. They love trains." I'd never known Mom to be wrong about people and I'd always been curious to test that theory out, so I did. I went online and bought a train set complete with steam, whistles, a conductor saying "All aboard," the whole 9 yards. The train set is supposed to arrive at his house this Sunday apparently. So, I sat down and typed a letter to this 18-year-old stranger that happens to be my nephew. This letter will go out in the mail tomorrow. This ought to be amusing:

6/7/2024

Hi Maximus, (or Max?)

I got this card from you saying that you graduated from high school and wasn’t sure who you were at first, but I guess you’re my nephew. Anyway, I don’t know you, but wanted to wish you all the best in life. I hope you had fun on the day of your graduation. Your card said you are going to attend university to become a nurse. I did that for twenty-six years and one of the things I liked about nursing, among other things, was that I could always find work. It is a very practical profession. I wasn’t sure what you’d like, so I sent you a train set. Have fun! I hope you get what you want from life.

Love,
T

Below a picture of the train set I sent to Maximus/Max.

I take that back. The pic is on my laptop. I tried inserting a link, but it would not accept it damn it. Too bad.

I heard that 60mg DXM helps hydrocodone.... but wouldn't 120mg yield a much better experience especially with cannabis? Also, what dose of diphenhydramine would benefit the most in that combo. I was going to start with only 10mg hydro considering it may maybe double or triple the opiate action. I have zero tolerance, very seldom use opiates of any variety and an oxyperc 30 would get me pretty messed up back in the day so I figure I have a normal dosage range for the class.

So what if I can't ever make anyone happy? Do I care? What if at the end no one understands? Do I care? What if I regret it all but have no better plan? Is that still a regret?

Choices imply options. What if there aren't any options? What if I just don't care? Can you hurt someone who doesn't care?

Why since my childhood I take the double of time to finish a task compared to people? So angry because my low self stem, insecurity, introspection and lack of initiative are damaging my career and finances (and other areas).
So angry for sending CVs (even for jobs with no experience is required) and not get a job interview. So confused with my next steps... I have dreams, but pay my debts comes first. My money is just for debts.
Feeling confused for my lack of knowledge of my strengths, just my failures and weaknesses. Desperate for being slow on a deadline.
I hate myself for not being organized and listen to my mother's voice punishing me for trying all the methods to improve and not work.
I hate myself because dad told me I was difficult in my childhood so my decision is to obey and be the child who without problem.
I hate myself for my lack of discernment between the mask and my true self.
Why my insecurity and hyper independence makes so hard to communicate and ask for help?
I'm sad for not being and feel validated for those I love about my autism diagnosis... I'm not using to weaponize my mistakes. My goal is take accountability and improve.
Is so hard to doubt about yourself, your guts, observations and thoughts
I'm tired.
I hate my hard times to change my mind in some belifes about myself.
I just want to understand my brain, know who I am and be myself... Whateaver this person is .
And achieve financial independence.
Have a plan. But now is a moment if weakness and hopeleness.

Something came up with the student tutors about a song and short video I had made (which depicted me singing a song about how Nazis were lame cowards and Hitler was an incomprehensible stimulant addict). I found it for all of them, and off-handedly mentioned I made the video the day I was diagnosed with autism. They just said "that checks out." But I think they missed the part where I said I was raging and mourning my entire life up until that moment and had to get the energy out some type of way.

The thing is, being diagnosed with ASD when you're in your late 20s fucking sucks. There are almost no services they can provide for you if you're a generally competent person. There's therapy, but my previous blog will show some of my issues with therapy. I'm skeptical of how much it can help at this late stage anyway. This is the key problem. I was screened for these sorts of disorders multiple times as a child, and there was just a constant failure on everyone's side to actually follow up and DO the testing. Everyone fucking thought I had it, but I guess they don't make an IEP for people who are just majorly depressive and merely "suspected" to be on the spectrum.

I left the testing in my late 20s crying with grief over what my life could have been like instead, how much fucking sorrow and difficulties could have been avoided. I left the testing site also quivering with rage at how they had let me down at every single point when they should have been taking me aside. Everyone knew I wasn't fucking normal. But they couldn't treat me that way without a diagnosis, and nobody bothered to respond to even my mother's requests about follow up from screenings to get the actual testing done. For all I know, she barely tried and failed me as well. What did I know? I was a child.

I went home so completely full of these horrible feelings of how let down I had been in even just this one aspect. I went home and had to do something to get my energy dealt with. I ripped out the pages of Mein Kampf and poured candle wax all over it to satisfy the part of my that was enraged. I wanted to burn the book entirely, but burning a book in an apartment's walk-in closet didn't seem smart. I sang a silly song mocking Nazis and Hitler while ripping the pages in order to satisfy the part of me that was mourning my own Self.

Despite having no access to the supports that could have had me develop in a more positive way had I got diagnosed early, things happened which could have prevented me from graduating, and then I immediately came realize I was woefully below the standards society had set for me because no amount of intelligence or facts could fix what I was lacking. My life did get better after the diagnosis, for sure. But that was through a coincidence that ended my highly problematic and dangerous coping mechanism of etizolam addiction, and the brute force of a special program for "disabled" people (I don't feel disabled, though, so this never felt right) to bypass the interview process and just try out the job for a certain amount of hours.

I only remember the day I was diagnosed being the same as the day I made that stupid video defacing Mein Kampf while singing about Nazis being losers because it was kind of one of the lowest moments of my life. To just have everyone tell me, "yes, actually, we all failed you. This is why you're so fucked up. Sadly we can't go back in time and help you develop in a more typical way. You're just kinda fucked, sorry."

That leaves me with nothing but a shield I feel disgusted to even use. I wish I could just get caught up in the goofiness of the song and video like everyone else was able to. But its tie to that day kind of ruins it for me. In the actual song with that melody, rather than this joke version, the lyrics are about a deep shame. The kind of shame of who you are at the core of your very being.

Does that mean that I am, at least in part, ashamed of my autism? Yes. Yes it kinda fucking does. It may well be a big factor in my inability to want to stay in this life. How could I possibly have the perspective of those lucky ones that love that about themselves? To me it's the fucking curse that nobody bothered to cure when they had the chance, and now it's embedded into my fucking soul.

My eighth grade lit teacher said "theme in this class is the writers feeling about life". I like that definition to the point I remember it 20+ years later. My theme is like this.

To me my best writing/blogging is when i take a seemingly unique event or events that I experience. Turn it into a universal human experience that I hope is felt in the soul. If the emotional truth hits right the grammar shit ends up being like the torn up wrapping paper left over after presents Christmas morning. I feel like it's a skill that took quite a long time to get even marginally good at. My fiance told me she loved reading through my blog here because she could see my growth as a writer over the years.

What is your theme? What is your goal or doctrine for your writing?