Blogs

“Keep thy mind in Hell, and despair not.” — St. Silouan the Athonite

He heard these words while he was asking God why he was no longer able to pray.

There’s this pull in me that never dies. It’s in my blood — a restlessness, a hunger that used to be fed by pills, powders, and bottles. Mostly stimulants: Adderall when I wanted to feel sharp, meth when I wanted to feel alive, then alcohol or Xanax when I wanted to come down or forget. That cocktail became my rhythm — up, up, up, and then crash into silence.

As a chef, it was almost expected. You live in heat, grease, noise, adrenaline. The kitchen becomes a war zone and a home at the same time. Everyone’s running on something — caffeine, nicotine, energy drinks, sometimes worse. The rush of service feels a lot like a high: the focus, the sweat, the noise that turns into rhythm. For a few hours, you’re God behind the line, calling shots, making order out of chaos. So why not enhance it? Like a pro athlete taking steroids.

And when the tickets stop printing, and the burners go quiet, the silence hits like a hammer. That’s when the crash comes. The body still humming, the mind still wired, but you go to your empty home, and the soul is empty. So you find something — a drink, a pill, a line — to stretch the night a little longer. To keep from feeling the drop. That became my normal.

Orthodoxy, though — it demands something else. It doesn’t offer escape; it offers exposure. The light that doesn’t flatter but reveals. Faith doesn’t let you hide behind speed or sleep. It says, “Look at yourself. Look at what you’ve become. And still, don’t despair.”

That’s where St. Silouan’s words live for me — in that space between the craving and the confession. Keep thy mind in Hell, and despair not. I’ve learned that “Hell” isn’t just a place of punishment. It’s the moment at 3 a.m. when your heart’s racing from too much coke and you’re praying God doesn’t let it stop. It’s the hangover that feels like judgment. It’s showing up to Liturgy reeking of last night and standing there, unworthy, and still whispering, “Lord, have mercy.”

I've never actually wanted to quit, I still don't see it happening for a while. The kitchen can make you feel like a soldier — always in motion, always under fire. You can’t slow down without falling behind, so you fuel yourself however you can.

But Orthodoxy slows you down. It forces silence where the world screams. That silence is the hardest part. When I’m not numb or wired, I actually feel — the guilt, the loneliness, the ache for God, the shame of the relapse. That’s when I understand what the Fathers meant by spiritual warfare. It’s not demons whispering; it’s the sound of your own heart arguing with grace.

There’s something about the rhythm of the kitchen that mirrors my spiritual life — the chaos, the discipline, the repetition. You clean, prep, fire, plate, repeat. Every day feels like confession: same sins, different day. But slowly, something changes. Not the pace, not the pressure — just me.

I’ve learned that grace doesn’t always feel like peace. Sometimes it feels like exhaustion that doesn’t end in despair. Sometimes it’s just the strength to show up again — sober or not — and keep trying.

When I read about the saints, I used to think holiness meant purity — no cracks, no stains. But I think maybe it’s more like a scar that never fully heals but still closes. My addictions are very active. My temptations are stronger than ever. But I try to learn to hold them without giving them power — to see them, confess them, and keep walking.

So I stay. I pray badly. I fall constantly. I feel unworthy of everything the Church gives me. But I keep my mind in hell and try, somehow, not to despair.

Because maybe the point isn’t to be completely free of the struggle — maybe it’s to remain faithful inside it. To walk through the fire of your own making and still believe Christ waits on the other side.

And when I’m standing on the line during dinner rush — hands shaking from caffeine and Adderall, the double shot whiskey ginger waiting for me at the bar for when I close — I remind myself: salvation might look a lot like this. Heat, noise, chaos, and the small, steady voice inside saying, don’t despair.

“Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

Edit: I intend to make more blog posts throughout my journey, this comes off more preachy than I anticipated, I'm not here to convert or say the Church is your only way to heal. It's my personal account of struggling between two powerful and opposing things.

James L. Kent, "Psychedelic Information Theory", Alpha Chapters, Chapter 12

Datura, Belladonna, Tropane Delirients, Dramamine, Benadryl, Antihistamines & The Classic Anticholinergics

Well, okay, you wanted weird territory, here it is. Of all the families of classic hallucinogens the anticholinergics are gateways to the world of the Bizarro shaman, the one who likes to bend reality as far as it can go, the one who might not come back the same way ever again. Of all the hallucinogenic substances known to humans these are possibly the oldest, most powerful, as most dangerous to use. Found naturally in the Solanaceae family of white trumpeting-flower plants (such as Datura, Belladonna, Deadly Nightshade, Brugmansia, Jimson Weed, etc.) the tropane delirients atropine and scopalamine have been used by witches, shamen, and physicians alike for as far as recorded history goes back. Unlike the classic psychedelics which typically lead to perceptual distortions and lucid dream-like states, high dose anticholinergic ingestion leads to frank or concrete hallucination, which is the waking sensation that something or someone is right in front of you when in reality there is nothing there at all, or of believing that you are in one place when in fact you are somewhere completely different. Yet with anticholinergic hallucinations there is no doubt that what the user is seeing is not real, the acceptance of the dream-like delusion is total. The user simply forgets all previous waking contexts and accepts the paradoxical un-reality as reality, and for the most part retains little or no memory of it once it has passed. This is generally called delirium, delusion, or dementia, but experientially it is just plain strange. In a very real sense the user in the anticholinergic trance is sleepwalking: both fully awake and functioning in the real world while at the same time dreaming as if the brain were in deep REM sleep. How is that possible?

Well, first it is useful to know that anticholinergics disrupt the activity of acetylcholine at the muscarinic receptors of the cholinergic system, hence the name anti-cholinergic (and yes, it is called the muscarinic receptor because muscimol, the active compound of fly agaric mushrooms, has a high affinity for this receptor type, but as an agonist). Knowing that anticholinergics disrupt acetylcholine activity, if we look at Hobson's AIM model to try to figure out how anticholinergics work there might be some confusion. If acetylcholine is supposed to mediate sleep and REM activity, how can a drug that blocks the action of acetylcholine produce such profound dream-like effects? Once again this is a question not of action, but of dosage.

But before we get into a full clinical examination, it should be noted that experimenting with even extremely small amounts of tropane alkaloids is unpleasant. Of all the drugs mentioned in this text nothing disrupts the body's internal systems more than the tropane delirients. Motor control and mucus production go down, respiration and heart rate goes up. Common side effects include dry irritated throats, itchy skin, headaches, pressure in the head, blurred vision, pupil dilation, agitation, high blood pressure, and more. If you ever take a large dose of an anticholinergic it becomes exceedingly obvious that acetylcholine is a very important neurotransmitter, important for far more than just mediating sleep and dreaming. It is the workhorse messenger of the parasympathetic nervous system, interacting with both involuntary heart muscles and voluntary skeletal muscles to relax muscle tone and slow heart rate; it is intricately connected to stimulation of the glossopharyngeal, facial, and vagus nerves; it triggers production of saliva and mucous essential for eating, swallowing, and digestion; it is essential to long term memory formation and recall; and if your body runs low on acetylcholine it can lead to Alzheimer's disease. And although anticholinergics have been in wide use for at least thousands of years, they are by no means "safe" to use at what would be considered psychedelic doses. They are extremely dangerous to say the least.

So now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's take a look at what happens under a heavy dose of these bad boys. Under heavy Datura intoxication you essentially become a sleepwalker. A bloodshot-eyed, dry mouth, stumbling, agitated, delusional zombie. When looking at Hobson's AIM model it is hard to tell where this state actually is. It sounds like there is high acetylcholine action because of the dreamlike intensity, but obviously the user should be in a low cholinergic state if their acetylcholine uptake was massively disrupted, right? Both experientially and behaviorally it seems obvious that functions of the prefrontal cortex (contextualization of self) and hippocampus (memory formation and recall) are totally disrupted, indicating low aminergic modulation. But let's not forget that these areas also have high concentrations of muscarinic receptors which are responsive to acetylcholine, and an interruption at those sights might be enough to knock these areas into extremely low functioning states. And while dream-like frank hallucinations would seem to indicate high cholinergic functioning, this is not necessarily the case. To me it seems that there can be one of a couple things going on here...

First of all, Hobson's AIM model could be a little off the mark on a critical axis, and high acetylcholine modulation is not actually a requirement for dream activation. It could be that acetylcholine acts as both a dream promoter when aminergic functioning in the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus is low (while sleeping, resting), while conversely acting as a dream inhibitor when aminergic functioning is high (while waking, active). If we were to view acetylcholine as having a dualistic gating function on memory (waking memory input) and dreaming (sleeping memory compression) located at the hippocampus and mediated by environmental factors — such as the activity of the pre-frontal cortex, the levels of seratonin and melatonin, rhythmic circadian stimulation from the hypothalamus, etc. — then the picture becomes a little clearer. With this model any significant disruption of acetylcholine would disrupt the waking/memory sleeping/dreaming dichotomy, and thus the thin chemical boundaries which normally prevent the dreaming mind from intruding on the waking mind vanish. This model is not as clean as the pure aminergic/cholinergic duality in Hobson's unified theory, but as many chemical messengers have multiple functions in different contexts, this model or some variation on it is not entirely out of the question.

The other possibility, of course, is what I would call the boomerang effect of extreme acetylcholine interruption. Since acetylcholine is such an important messenger it is reasonable to expect that any major disruption in acetylcholine uptake would of course lead to an increase of endogenous acetylcholine production. If uptake is critically blocked the body may in turn totally freak out and begin pumping acetylcholine like mad, flooding the brain and body with as much as it can produce. And then, once the anticholinergic agent begins to metabolize... Wham! Acetylcholine smashes into the system like a runaway truck and transports the user seamlessly and instantaneously into a fully interactive waking dream-space. The acetylcholine boomerang effect was perfected by the amateur consciousness explorer Zoe 7, and detailed in his graphic autobiographical work entitled Into the Void. Within the pages of Into the Void Zoe 7 found many different ways to induce this boomerang effect on himself, including depriving himself of REM sleep for days on end and then ingesting a massive amount of Benadryl, which contains the antihistamine diphenhydramine, which also acts as an anticholinergic at high doses. Zoe 7 also used various different drugs and light-and-sound emitting brain machines (pulse generators) to amplify his technique, and this extreme REM deprivation coupled with the extreme anticholinergic action created what he subjectively believes to be complete dimensional shifts to parallel universes. The immersive states Zoe 7 produced were so profound he has now written two books about his visitations to alternate dimensions, and speaks around the world about his experiences. I'll talk more about parallel dimensions and alternate universes later, but what we are seeing here in this boomerang effect is more likely a profound immersive state brought on by a flood of acetylcholine hitting a REM deprived brain and forcing it into dream psychosis.

One might wonder why, during an intense acetylcholine boomerang action, isn't the memory also enhanced? Why does dreaming come to the fore and memory diminish? In this case in may be helpful to think of the hippocampus as a VCR for memory recording and dream playback (which may be accurately described as a kind of memory compression). Generally if the hippocampus is involved in dream activity it cannot simultaneously be recording memories of the event. This is primarily because the pre-frontal cortex is offline in the dreaming state, and cannot prime memories for delivery to the hippocampus for storage. The exception to this rule is, of course, the lucid dream state where the personal awareness of the PFC comes back online within the dream, as in the last few moments of dreaming upon waking up, where memories of dreams become more intense. In these fleeting transitional states the hippocampus can be both producing dream activity and taking memory info from the PFC at the same time. Thus the circuit from memory to dream and back to memory is completed, and acetylcholine is needed for every step of this functioning. Typically in an anticholinergic dream state there is no memory of what is happening to you. Zoe 7 claims that his use of brain-stimulating machines helped balance the acetylcholine boomerang effect and allowed him to retain enough lucidity to have a clear memory of each breakthrough episode, but I cannot personally verify that his methods actually work. Again, your mileage may vary.

Some limited personal experimentation with Zoe 7's techniques (modified for us normal humans, of course) have definitely led me to some of the most profound lucid dreaming experiences I have ever had, but that is clearly what they were. I have been in enough lucid dreams to realize when I am in one, but these were some of the crispest and most impressively detailed dreams I have ever been in, and by far the longest lasting (which is what made it both cool and exasperating at the same time). I kept walking around and knocking on things, feeling things, testing to see if everything was solid, knowing I was in a dream and that none of it was real. I was exhausted and wanted to wake up so I could get some sleep (get that?) and was not be able to, and was not able to fully get my bearings at all. Recursive realities fooled me into thinking I had retuned a couple times, when in fact I was still out of it. It was a very uncomfortable ride, totally immersive, totally wrapped like an onion, impossible to get out, insane at points. But I eventually passed out and fully crashed into zonk-land, and then it was over. It was an alternate universe all right, but one that I was happy to finally wake up from.

However, Zoe 7 must be made of stouter stuff that I am. It is his testimony that being rigorous about the REM deprivation and staying awake through the extreme somatic heaviness of all the antihistamines is the only way to break through into the fully waking dimensional shifting state. I personally cannot stand to go without REM sleep for too long, and when I start having totally immersive lucid dreams that's when I know I have been fatigued and depriving my body of sleep for too long. My own mild anticholinergic experiments can be considered a mere fraction of what Zoe 7 put himself through in the name of science, and you can say that he came back somewhat fractured (for the better?).

So that's the tale of the Bizarro shaman, Crazy Kieri and his gang of alternate world-walkers, god talkers, witches on broomsticks, and those who seek the mystic vision in the hardest and most immersive forms. A little sleep deprivation here, a pinch of anticholinergic there, wham-o presto you are in your own little universe. Again, this is not a classical psychedelic experience like you would get from a 5HT2A agonist, but it is without a doubt the farthest anyone has mapped out there on the rim of human experience, beyond psychedelic you might say. The craziest shamen are the ones who drop datura in their ayahuasca brew, for the visions, no? Oh yes, the visions. If you want to give your gods physical form, then yes, here it is, that is the recipe. But beware, you will be giving your gods physical form, and will be doing so at the risk of your own health and sanity. Triple light-speed oblivion express to the universal dream space academy, first class, yes sir. You'll receive your official badge and uniform once you get there. You can trust me on that...

----

Some pretty good information in the following book, such as the following. I also suggest checking out all the entried for these types of plants in The Encyclopedia of Psychoactive Plants (Christian Rätsch, 2005)

Following the description of the structure and activity of scoplamine by Ladenburg, the search for synthetic analogues of and methods for total synthesis of scoplamine and/or atropine in the 1930s and 1940s resulted in the discovery of diphenhydramine, an early antihistamine and the prototype of its chemical subclass of these drugs, and pethidine, the first fully synthetic opioid analgesic, known as Dolatin and Demerold amongst many other trade names.


[image]/forums/thumbs/13-005/950278802-thumb_195.gif[/image] [image]/forums/thumbs/13-005/950278825-thumb_196.gif[/image] [image]/forums/thumbs/13-005/950278847-thumb_197.gif[/image] [image]/forums/thumbs/13-005/950278869-thumb_198.gif[/image]

[image]/forums/thumbs/13-005/950278892-thumb_199.gif[/image] [image]/forums/thumbs/13-005/950278915-thumb_200.gif[/image] [image]/forums/thumbs/13-005/950278938-thumb_201.gif[/image] [image]/forums/thumbs/13-005/950278961-thumb_202.gif[/image]

[image]/forums/thumbs/13-005/952156479-thumb_239.gif[/image] [image]/forums/thumbs/13-005/952156505-thumb_240.gif[/image]


"Pharmacology for Anesthetists 5," John D. Current, M.D., p. 195 | http://books.google.com/books?id=RJpEbB9_c9MC&pg=PA195


Here's a video on the criminal aspect of scopolamine (I haven't watched it yet): http://www.acidplanet.com/artist.asp?PID=577262&t=1
I have more links on the criminal aspect, which I'll update this thread with.

If I had it all to do over again. I would do it again and again. Every smile every morning I woke up next to you was better than my wildest dream. I guess I'm just a sick pessimist but I always knew you would leave. I knew I wasn't good enough. Birds are meant to fly. lions are meant to hunt. Zebras are meant to die. It's the way of the world. My heart was meant to be broken. We cant rewrite the playbook at halftime.

I'm not angry. I'll get over the sadness. My heart will heal. My eyes will dry. I'll keep a few keepsakes deep inside that place in my soul on the off chance. No there is no chance. I'll keep them for a cold night in the future when your gone. I'll slip it between my fingers and remember that I once had the baddest dime on my arm. I once hunted with a lion and soared with an eagle. I once ruled the world.

I hope you find a happy ending to your story someday. I just wish... .. I wish I could relive the last 6 years. I pray one prayer let it be 11-07-19 at 1145 pm when I wake up next.

Regrets? I got a few..... I wish I had done more drugs...... I wish I had watched less tv. I wish we had marched to the best of our own drum more often .... I wish we hadn't paid so much rent ...... Yeah lots of regrets...... Not.

Should of done more shit people said we shouldn't of.....

This was a response to a post ⇩

SHAMANIC TOBACCOS

Tobacco smoking was widespread in North America at the time of the European contact. While the habit of taking hallucinogenic DMT-containing snuffs was also prevalent in the Caribbean cultural area, there are no confirmed reports of materials other than tobacco being smoked.

The high culture of the Maya that flourished until the mid-800s in Mesoamerica had an old and complex relationship with tobacco and the habit of smoking it. The tobacco of the Classical Maya was Nicotiana rustica, which is still in use among aboriginal populations in South America today. This species is much more potent, chemically complex, and potentially hallucinogenic than the commercial grades of Nicotiana tabacum available today. The difference between this tobacco and cigarette tobacco is profound. This wild tobacco was cured and rolled into cigars which were smoked. The trancelike state that followed, partially synergized by the presence of compounds that included MAO inhibitors, was central to the shamanism of the Maya. Recently introduced antidepressants of the MAO inhibitor type are distant synthetic relatives of these natural compounds. Francis Robicsek has published extensively on the Mayan fascination with tobacco and its chemical complexity:

It also must be recognized that nicotine is by no means the only bioactive substance in the tobacco leaf. Recently alkaloids of the harmala group, harman and norharman, have been isolated from cured commercial tobaccos and their smoke. They constitute a chemical group of beta-carbolines, which include harmine, harmaline, tetrahydroharmine, and 6-methoxy harmine, all with hallucinogenic properties. While to date no native varieties of tobacco have been analyzed for these substances, it is a reasonable supposition that their composition may vary widely, depending upon the variety and growth, and that some of the native-grown tobaccos may contain a relatively high concentration of them.⁸

Tobacco was and is the ever-present adjunct of the more powerful and visionary hallucinogenic plants wherever in the Americas they are used in a traditional and shamanic way.


8. Henry Hobhouse, Seeds of Change: Five Plants That Transformed Mankind
(New York: Harper & Row, 1985), p. 108

Click to expand...

Food of the Gods. Terence McKenna, 1992, 1993 11. Complacencies of the Peignoir: Sugar, Coffee, Tea, and Chocolate, pages 196-197

Asante said:
Mapacho is Nicotiana rustica, which contains 3-9% of nicotine, the three to ninefold of tobacco, alongside beta carbolines and other alkaloids.

Click to expand...

"Recently alkaloids of the harmala group, harman and norharman, have been isolated from cured commercial tobaccos and their smoke. They constitute a chemical group of beta-carbolines, which include harmine, harmaline, tetrahydroharmine, and 6-methoxy harmine, all with hallucinogenic properties. While to date no native varieties of tobacco have been analyzed for these substances,"

[Tobacco only contains harmalas when it's heated, I believe.*]
I wanted to see if this had changed, so I did a quick Google Scholar search and did not get any results.

Also, harman and norharman may be neurotoxic.* And they may not work for oral DMT:

Rather surprising, even though it has been shown to be a good monoamine oxidase inhibitor, a 250 milligram trial followed in 20 minutes with 35 milligrams of DMT, also had no effects.

TiHKAL (Shulgin & Shulgin, 1997), part 2, #44 6-MeO-THH (See Harman entry)


*"Harmane (1-methyl-9H-pyrido[3,4-β]indole) is a potent, tremor-producing β-carboline alkaloid, and emerging literature has provided initial links between this neurotoxin and ET."

Beta-carboline alkaloids and essential tremor: exploring the environmental determinants of one of the most prevalent neurological diseases. 2010. Louis ED, Zheng W. ScientificWorldJournal, 10:1783-94. doi: 10.1100/tsw.2010.159

Also see 5.4 Neurotoxicity of β-Carbolines, page 87 in Isoquinolines And Beta-Carbolines As Neurotoxins And Neuroprotectants: New Vistas In Parkinson's Disease Therapy. Lucyna Antkiewicz-Michaluk, Hans Rommelspacher. Jan 2012. DOI: 10.1007/978-1-4614-1542-8


*Our findings strongly suggest that some foods, especially coffee, can act as a rich source of β-carbolines,

β-carbolines have been detected in tobacco leaves, cigarettes, and cigarette smoke [9,11].Our findings strongly suggest that some foods, especially coffee, can act as a rich source of β-carbolines,

β-carbolines have been detected in tobacco leaves, cigarettes, and cigarette smoke [9,11].

Bioactive β-Carbolines in Food: A Review. Piechowska P, Zawirska-Wojtasiak R, Mildner-Szkudlarz S. Nutrients. 2019 Apr 11;11(4):814. doi: 10.3390/nu11040814

Using LSD as a substitute for DMT in ayahuasca

Using mescaline as a substitute for DMT in ayahuasca

Using ketamine as a substitute for DMT in ayahuasca

Using MDMA as a substitute for DMT in ayahuasca

This is the first time I've attempted this, and I think it's time to start talking about what true mental health is to some people. I am schizophrenic, a paranoid schizophrenic going of "categories", and am able to deal with most things in life without medication or help for the most part. Working, kids, wife, and the whole 9. A lot of people see "Schizophrenia" and become terrified of what they have attached to that word. They see monsters, talking to walls and speaking gibberish, violently lashing out, and it's not the normal case. I've had children steered away from me at the store because of how I dress (camos and band t-shirts), and was told by pastors I was going to he'll without ever speaking to me. Of course they didn't know I was schizophrenic, but the schizophrenia pulls thoughts around in my head over and over again.


I'm lucky to be aware of how it usually affects my thought patterns, and can generally muck through the cognitive effects, usually coming off as weird and eccentric, but overall good. I've been in the mental hospitals, both voluntary and involuntary. I've held a job since graduatng high-school. Married and kid, with multiple psychotic episodes, 5 or 6 official mental health diagnosis, and plan on making it further just out of rage, piss, and sheer because I Fucking Can.

I had early onset, though no formal diagnosis of schizophrenia until I was 22. My first hallucinations were full color Victorian era people, generally in dark areas and they wouldn't speak, but we always made eye contact. I distinctly remember one man I called the whittler. I saw geometric patterns also, extremely distinct and rememberable, but they mostly stopped after being given 6mg a day risperdone while I was 14. Most cognitive effects didn't develop until closer to 19. Honestly, most negative and cognitive effects started around 18-19, although I'd have hallucinations in front of people. I remember my mom being asked if I ate some acid when a neighbor saw me chasing fairies.

My main symptoms now are visual or audiotory hallucinations, paranoia, avolition, anhedonia, overall withdrawal from people. I'm in a better place mentally than I've ever been before, truly getting grief that's been built up for years out of me, from childhood abuse to my mother's death last year.

I've been battling daily drug use more since her death, and although I have fought with myself for years about it, I think I'm finally aging out. More working on my mental health instead of covering it up. I just started a new job, all top teeth replaced and bone grafts done, building up because I have a son and have to do what wasn't for me.

I was stalked after my mom's death, I won't go into detail, but it happened, people were arrested and they labeled me as substance induced psychosis and was given haldol injections. I'm still dealing with the mental issues from that, and that's where I'll start.

I'm still occasionally getting watched by people, they watch whenever I smoke cannabis concentrate or amphetamines, or stay up really late. They cant watch me directly at work anymore, I no longer work in an open kitchen. I feel so many less eyes on me. They stare through me, I can feel them watching. I narrate to myself to stay on track, I have no real inner monologue. I'm a bad ass on the grill and in a kitchen, so people let me do me since I'm nice and work hard.

I can't keep track of people anymore. Some points when I was in an open kitchen it felt like everyone in the restaurant was staring at me because I used drugs at home, usually the day before. When I kept track I was days short of writing and connecting them on a board there were so many. Groups watching and following me. I knew trying to watch them would drive me crazy. (One of my only people got arrested on federal charges and some of "them" were really thinking I was in on it). It wrecked my immediate trust of people, and I have to walk through the logic of "them" in every situation or the paranoia and delusional thoughts build up.

People don't understand I have to let those thoughts out to not have them to ruminate on during my downtime. If I ignore them when they come into my conscious they build up and run like wildfire. To the point of insanity and incoherance. I remember looking at someone one day and saying "I know it's impossible, but I can't stop thinking and looking at the car hidden between this 2foot tall shrub and house that was planted there to record me on dash am sitting on the porch." It only got worse after that, because how should someone react to that?

Today was good overall. I'm happy, new teeth, new job, new outlook on life, and ready to build everything back. My thought pattern stayed on track today, but I had a lot of slipups with some word salad and speaking. I have to think hard before I speak. But it was my first real shift back in a full kitchen after 2 years, and I rocked out like Jimi, Ozzy, and Cobain. I flowed like water and am happy to be able to be great at cooking. I made up for it with my actions and showed myself, and them, I can do it regardless.

The Boogie Man walks again.
Not in fairy tales, but in campaign rallies.
He wears a suit now.
He speaks in slogans.
But the gravel still crunches beneath his feet.
And the dogs howl.
They howl because they sense a bad omen.


ICE agents knock on doors like ghosts of Gestapo.
Children are taken.
Families are shattered.
And the sirens scream not just in the streets, but in our bones.


Let this be a warning.
To those who think it can’t happen to you.
To those who sleep with the lights off, believing they are safe.
To those who mistake cruelty for strength.


I was a child when I first heard the sirens.
I am no longer a child.
I am the one holding the light.
And I will not turn it off.
Neither should you.

Nostalgia. That kick in the guts I get when I walk through downtown. Past the monuments of our past. Our love the "good old days". The apartments we fell in love in. The park we slept at the first few months of our homeless adventure. The last place I saw jj. The capitol we strolled by a million times. I feel like I should be able to temporarily step back into that past. Long enough to kiss you. Long enough to tell you how sorry I am for all the fuck ups to come. To just experience you looking at me and touching my face and those beautiful blue eyes. God they glow like diamonds. But it doesn't work out like that. So I say a silent prayer that in 5 years we will look back on our current life with nostalgia. That your still with me. That we make it. Next stop capitol and rice on the train back to snelling. Thin line between heaven and here

Worst case scenario. I don't know if she is going to make it. If love can make her live she will be fine. Unfortunately reality has a decided bias towards death in untimely ways.

What is it about tripping that brings out weird situations in the universe? I don't just mean interpreting the world strangely while tripping, I mean objectively strange or intense situations arising after drugs are taken. As if it is not just you that is tripping, but everyone around you and maybe the whole damn cosmos.

Example: the first time I did LSD, I watched a riot unfold in the college town where I used to live. Scattered memories and sensory impressions of that night. Strobing effects around the fires people lit in the streets, bodies elongated silhouetted against the burning couches. A frozen eternity of one second where I saw gas from a tipped over van dangerously near a debris fire the shadows were leaping over. Laughter turned to cackling, a Walpurgisnacht where the witches and demons were let loose (was it Halloween? It may have been). The lines of police forming for a baton charge. Crystalline novas forming where beer bottles burst on shields and helmets. The tear gas from grenades hurled back by bandana clad youth swirling in the cold air to form gaseous origins of stars and planets. Countless milky ways reflecting the stars above - which were somehow visible past the tongues of bonfires and the swarming yellow street lights. shouts, increasingly wrathful, melding together in a kind of song as the rioters faced the marching rows of cops. My prayer for Vicodin to calm my nerves as I flowed through alleys, and my vision zooming in on the imprint code m357 of two pills that manifested in my hand, courtesy of some silent stone sentinel, one of several arranged in a semicircle on a tilted front lawn. A feeling of futility, wondering what was this all for? Just the exploding rage of kids who didn't want to be put to bed by the authorities? And was I any different? After all, I too felt the thrill and threw a rock or two. my garbled thoughts at the time theorizing that somehow, my intake of the drug had, maybe not caused, but at least contributed to the bizarre events of the night.

...because I use a lot of drugs. Not just high dosage, but also a staggering variety of drugs. But I think I am part of the drug solution by being a good person who doesn't steal, cheat, lie, swindle, etc. to fund their habit. I work 2 jobs and have hobbies outside of drug use. even though I use hard drugs I don't use them every day.

The real drug problem isn't that people are using fentanyl and such. The real drug problem is that drugs are illegal. Illegality keeps the prices high and the quality low, which in turn causes people to steal to fund their habit, lands then in jail for the victimless crime of possession, stigmatizes them and prevents them from seeking help if they want it, the stigma also leads to consequences like losing a job or housing if one's drug use becomes known, contributes to harmful side effects from bad cuts, and leads to overdoses from impure or unexpectedly strong shit. Some drugs do inherently cause harm to mind and body if they are abused, it is true. But almost every negative consequence of drug use is caused by illegality! and the war on drugs cannot be won, nor do law enforcement want it to be won bc then they'd lose their government funding! Furthermore a lot of industries, like private prisons, supply chains for prisons, firearms, alcohol, supply chains for law enforcement, etc. make a lot of money off the drug war, so they lobby for laws that harshly and unfairly penalize users. Addiction is a medical problem to be solved by medical care, and a social problem to be solved by fundamental improvements to society, not a legal problem to be solved by jailing users.

I want people to look at me and say, "there's a happy dude who lives a productive life while still using drugs. Maybe drug use doesn't inherently ruin your life. I should rethink some of my views on drugs and the war on drugs." Be the change, ya know?

The purpose of life is too live

Today is shot day. I'm not happy about it. I never was.
Invega for 12 years almost which I figured is somewhere around 50,000mg of invega overtime.
Seem ridiculous cuz it it. When you have no say or control over what goes into your body, its tyranny simply put.
When you have a health problem and seek attention, that is healthcare, or how it's supposed to work.
When nurses and doctors manipulate your body to force injections onto you, that is not healthcare.
My dad keeps making appointments and I have to ask, why are you doing this.
He would probably say something like I need it.
Mind your own fucking business. Leave me alone.
If that's what it takes to get the big prize, is it worth it?
There are 10,000 ways to win the game, and this is what you chose.

437317800 mid

I want to wish all my fellow alphabet people a happy Pride month this year.

Should someone change to diazapam if trying to taper off clonozopam especially if they have a absolutely ridiculous tolerance .would a doctor in the UK help.my friend is worried they will ignore him and think he is trying to obtain benzos to abuse them as he dosnt have a proper prescription for existing clonozopam as he is abusing them .he is scared they will send him to cbt which in his opinion is a bad joke when he cant sleep for 2 weeks solid after quiting cold turkey .in his experience uk doctors are cold and disintrested in your plight ,plus it takes upto 4 weeks just to speak to a doctor on the phone but that is the nhs ,unless your pregnant ,elderly or been in a car wreck they want nothing to do with you ,I am trying to help him but it's near impossible.any help or someone who has been in a similar situation in uk would be much appreciated.
Thank you

Don't waste your time arguing about stupid shit. Don't waste a single day being angry about nothing. You just never know.... Ali has endocarditis. Its not good. I'm scared. I can't live without her. If your religious please pray. If your not and are able a cash app gift would be most appreciated. Or just good vibes and a private message

"There are decades where nothing happens but then weeks where decades happen."V Lenin.

This last month feels like one of those weeks where decades happened. We saw the end of Pax Americana. We saw the US abandon Ukraine with an ambush in the oval office. Make no mistake champagne was uncorked in Beijing and Moscow that night. From London to Kiev a new reality is slowly setting in NATO is dead. Democracy is on the run as the US looks inward towards a most uncertain future.

The time for silence is over. This is a time for action. one Of my favorite political quotes. Told by a lady who was about to be beheaded at 21 years old by the nazis. Because she stood up and was heard. Fascists cant stand the truth that is there crypotonite.
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/801549.Sophie_Scholl

The real damage is done by those millions who want to 'survive.' The honest men who just want to be left in peace. Those who don’t want their little lives disturbed by anything bigger than themselves. Those with no sides and no causes. Those who won’t take measure of their own strength, for fear of antagonizing their own weakness. Those who don’t like to make waves—or enemies. Those for whom freedom, honour, truth, and principles are only literature. Those who live small, mate small, die small. It’s the reductionist approach to life: if you keep it small, you’ll keep it under control. If you don’t make any noise, the bogeyman won’t find you. But it’s all an illusion, because they die too, those people who roll up their spirits into tiny little balls so as to be safe. Safe?! From what? Life is always on the edge of death; narrow streets lead to the same place as wide avenues, and a little candle burns itself out just like a flaming torch does. I choose my own way to burn.

Click to expand...

Sophie Scholl

I would of done anything for you before. All you had to do was say the word. Trust was not even a conscious thought it just was. Our connection was all consuming. Now. Now I wake up dreading seeing you. Our every interaction I know is going to be adversarial. I dread the words that'll come out of both of our mouths. Angry hateful words. Wtf happened,? Can this be fixed?

I know I have to stand up too you I know I have to hit you back. I know I need to hurt you like you hurt me. Make you think twice before you make it physical. But that's not an answer to saving our relationship. That's not an answer to anything.

So tonight I'm not going back. You want the apartment. You can have it. Without me. Without my drugs. Without my money. Without my love. Let's see if you even care

Our love story was not written in the stars. It was not influenced by unseen gods and goddesses. It was not a fairytale with a happy ending. No it was written with our blood and tears and built with our hands. One brick at a time we built it higher day by day never knowing exactly what a finished product should look like or function as. So we dreamed and we schemed we argued and reconciled. We begged borrowed and stole when it was necessary. This mother fucking relationship is our product. Our vision. Our dream. Together we did amazing things.

I'm not sure if it's really the end or not. I have to say it feels like it might be. If it is then I'll be sad. I'll be devastated. But in the long term I'll look back and be grateful. We should be proud.

Guest blog written by my lovely wife

So....as I sit here and sweat it out for a couple more hours, I take the time to mourn.. here's to the ones that have gone before me. The lucky ones, the ones who are remembered through rose colored lenses. This post is for them, and although I didn't physically die...there are still the many versions of myself I haphazardly give day in and day out to this "miracle" drug..but you want to know the truth? They knew what they were doing, they willingly went to their graves. Ive seen some of the biggest baddest strongest of individuals give themselves over to the pine box, to reckless behaviors. To the needle in their arms. How i see it? They were the lucky ones. The rest of us? The poor souls who are still around sitting in those same parking lots by the dealers, chasing that same dragon? We are the ones who suffer mercilessly..Who needs to physically die when every day you die? you give all the could have been, would have been versions of yourself to just put a little more in the spoon. Too just feel normal for a few more hours

Hi I've recently been prescribed diazapam 10mg from Pakistan.it seems to work and passes the taste test but its making me feel very energetic ,which I like.is this normal
Thanks

Strychnos nux vomica L.
Family: Loganiaceae

THE PLANT AND ITS DISTRIBUTION

The tree grows wild in tropical and semi-evergreen forests of central India.

It is a deciduous tree with short spines and thin, grey, smooth bark. Leaves are 7.5-15 cm long, 5—7.5 cm broad, elliptic (Fig. 23A), with numerous greenish white flowers. The fruit is globose, 2.5—7.5 cm and orange when ripe. The seed is (Fig. 23B) discoid concave on one side, convex on the other, up to 2.5 cm in diameter and covered with brown grey, silky hair, radiating from the centre. The seed is leathery and very difficult to powder.


USES IN FOLKLORE AND AYURVEDA

Mitigation of seed

The seed is very bitter and highly poisonous but some people get addicted to it and tolerate the lethal dose. For use in Ayurvedic preparations, it is partially detoxified by any of the following methods:

1By boiling in equal quantities of milk and water, removing emerging cotyledons (said to be poisonous) when soft. The hot soft kernel turns hard on cooling, so these seed are boiled again until soft enough to pulverize.

2Cow’s urine is used in place of water and the seed is allowed to remain in it for a number of days until soft enough for crushing.

3The seed is put in clean clay soil and allowed to remain in it until soft.

4The easiest method for powdering the seed is to heat it in ghee in an iron pan over a mild heat until the outer skin of the seed turns red brown. Remove the outer skin and powder the kernel.

5The seed is turned into dust-like powder using iron files.

6In south India (Shanvaskhan, 1997) seed are boiled with rice and water for three hours. When they are cooked, after removal of seed coat, they are chopped into small pieces and immersed in the juice of Chenopodium ambrosiodes for 3 hours and finally boiled in a decoction of Semecarpus anacardium seed.

These mitigation treatments deplete the alkaloid concentration (Agrawal and Joshi, 1977), without changing their composition (Bhanu and Vasudevan, 1977).

A dose of 30–60 mg of mitigated nux vomica is commonly given, sometimes it may be increased to 125 mg, but it may stimulate the heart at this dose and may be lethal.

The major uses of processed nux vomica are:

As an antidote to poisons

It is an antidote to lead poison, rabid dog bites, snakebites and opium overdose.


For wasting diseases

For wasting diseases in infants and children, mitigated nux vomica is given along with powder of dry liver and kuchla oil.


As a general stimulant

In Ayurveda, it is considered hot in effect and a stimulant for intellectuals and students, etc. It stimulates the respiratory system, neuromuscular system and makes the heart strong. It also helps lethargy of generative organs.


For the digestive system

For indigestion due to physiological weakness and for constipation, it is a drug of choice. It is used in obesity, as it burns fat from the liver. Nux vomica helps cases of acute gastric disturbance, when the patient’s stools are watery, the patient has acute thirst, the stool is blood coloured (as in piles) or if the urge to pass stools and urine persists but regular movement is not there. It strengthens the stomach and digestive system by contractions of the alimentary canal.


For gynaecological problems

It relieves backache, delayed menstruation, dysmenorrhoea and leucorrhoea, when accompanied by yellow, foetid vaginal discharge.


Contraindications

It should be given in the minimum dose to people who live in solitude and get angry easily, and also to patients who have hyperacidity, acute flatulence, urinary incontinence, inflammation of the urethra, burning urination and nasal haemorrhages.


Toxicity

In the case of toxic symptoms, a leaf paste of Abrus precatorius along with gruel of arrow root (Maranta arundinacea) powder is given.


Ayurvedic preparations

Kuchla oil

MethodHeat 15 g nux vomica seed in 100 ml of sesame oil until seed turns brown, filter and use the oil.

UseFor external application in paralysis and wasting diseases of children. For migraines, make a paste of this oil with equal quantities of cinnamon, or Piper longum root, add cow’s urine and apply.


Navjovan rasa

MethodMacerate 25 g processed nux vomica, 25 g processed iron, 5 g each of ras sindur (red sulphide of mercury), black pepper, long pepper and ginger in ginger juice and make pills of 60 mg each.

UseIt is said to rejuvenate the body. It increases gastric juices so food is digested properly and provides strength to the body, nervous system, and stomach. It helps gastric problems, memory, chronic constipation, migraines or pain in any part of the body.


Laxmivillas ras

MethodTake 75 g processed nux vomica, 75 g borax, 75 g black pepper, 50 g processed iron, 25 g purified sulphur and 12 g purified mercury. Triturate mercury and sulphur, add the powders of all other ingredients along with juice of ginger, followed by the juices of Asparagus, Phyllanthus niruri and Eclipta to saturate the mixture. Dry, repeat this process three times and make pills of 60 mg each.

UseAs a rejuvenator it helps convalescence, wasting diseases, loss of vitality and spermatic liquid. It is a spermatogenic, makes skin look young and healthy and cures indigestion.


THERAPEUTIC INDICATIONS AND PHARMACOLOGICAL
STUDIES

Strychnine stimulates respiratory and vasomotor centres. It has selective action on the central nervous system (CNS), more particularly on bone marrow. Small doses produce vasodilation. By its action on the cerebral cortex and peripheral nerves, it exhibits marked hyperactivity. It remains in the alimentary tract for a long time and exerts its influence on digestive system by gradual absorption.

Furukawa et al. (1985) observed that strychnine has direct depressant effect on the heart and inhibits the release of acetylcholine.

Panda and Panda (1993) tested its anti-gastric and anti-ulcer activity and found its effect equivalent to that of cimetidine.


Chemical studies

The seed has 1.8 to 2 per cent of total alkaloids, 42 per cent fatty oil and α-amyrin. The seed ratio of strychnine to brucine varies from 2 : 1 to 1 : 1. It is said that during germination or during treatments with aqueous fluids (mitigation), strychnine disappears whilst brucine, which occurs in the outer cells of the endosperm, is gradually converted into strychnine.


Toxicological studies

Large doses of nux vomica cause tetanic convulsions and eventually death results. Even with safe doses there may be some mental derangement.


References

Agrawal, V.K., Joshi, D. (1977) Effect of purification (Shodhna) on the alkaloidal concentration of kuchla seeds (Strychnos nux-vomica Linn). Journal of Research in Indian Medicine Yoga and Homoeopathy, 12, 43–45.

Bhanu, M.N., Vasudevan, T.N. (1989) Studies on sodhna of nux-vomica, Indian Drugs, 26, 150–152.

Furukawa, Y., Saegusa, K., Chiba, S. (1985) Suppression of strychnine on the two chronotropic and inotropic effects in the isolated blood perfused canine atrium. Japanese Journal of Pharmacology, 38, 439–441.

Panda, P.K., Panda, D.P. (1993) Anti-ulcer activity of nux vomica and its comparison with cimetidine in Shay rat. Indian Drugs, 30, 53–56.

Shanavaskhan, A.E., Binu, S., Unnithan, M.D., Santhoshkumar, E.S., Pushpagandan, P. (1997) Detoxification techniques of traditional physicians of Kerala, India on some toxic herbal drugs. Fitoterapia, 68, 69–74.


Rasayana: Ayurvedic Herbs for Longevity and Rejuvenation. H. S. Puri, 2002, Taylor & Francis. ISBN: 9780203216569. 31. Kuchla (Strychnos nux vomica), pgs. 175–179

In my world there are no limits or laws
Kill the police before we're all robots
Kill the police
Kill the whole force
Smash the system
Destroy the courts


activity on this account, for the feds only of course

Anybody who knows me knows I'm one of those people who's big on anniversaries. I think a lot about the past as it is, so in a way I suppose it's natural for me to mark them. Point is I tend to be someone who always knows it's someone's birthday, or the day someone died, or how.long it's been since something significant happened.

And tonight is something of a significant anniversary for me. It's 12 years since I joined bluelight!

Not 12 years on bluelight of course, I essentially left bluelight 3 years ago and have only posted a couple dozen times since then. But in a different way bluelight never entirely left my life. It's stayed with me in the amazing people I found through it.

I'd name them but there so many and I wouldn't wanna leave anyone out and I'm kinda high right now so I probably would.

That was always the thing I most enjoyed about this place, trying to help people and getting to know the interesting and amazing and fascinating people on it. I've long felt that people are the most important thing we live for. It honestly feels to me like every person is a miracle because they are all unique and around for so very brief a time. Which is why I cherish the great people I know and am saddened to think about how many other amazing people are out there that I will never met, who's paths will never cross with mine.

I know it's very easy to be cynical about people, people can be very difficult sometimes, they can be frustrating. I can sympathize with people who don't like people because there's no denying that as a people we are deeply flawed.

It's easy to not notice all the great things about people simply because it's just how it's always been. Every day people show selfless concern for others, every day people donate to charities or try and help friends family and strangers alike.

For nearly a year I was a homeless panhandler, it was one of the primary ways I supported my heroin habit at its worst. And while there's no denying that I saw some real uglyness. People who'd try and find reasons to get on my case, accuse me of faking being homeless. People who'd call the police on me. I had people throw things at me, I had guys offering money propositioning me (in a country with legal professional prostitution, so ask yourself why they'd seek out a girl begging on the street).

But, I could never have supported such an expensive habit if there weren't also so many good people in the world. People who wanted to help when they see someone so desperate. The problem is people often don't notice all the good in people, leaving only bad.

Even a lot of "bad" people don't believe they're bad, they have their reasons, they have their good sides, they're complicated. I think if you really look at the people around you, that you meet in real life away from the distorted reflection we get on the internet and media, you find that true evil, while it does exists, is acrually quite rare in people.

To me life is about the people we share it with, and bluelight brought many such people into my life that I'm happy to still have in my life years after I stopped being active here.

So, what am I saying? I'm saying look out for each other. Remember how short life is, the people who matter so much to you, and you to them. Saddly some of the people bluelight brought into my life have died, one will be having his death anniversary in a couple days. The universe is so big, so long, and we are so small and exist as barely a moment in time. Completely unique, one of a kind, and then seemingly gone forever.

Never take people for granted, don't take yourself for granted. We are all priceless. It might sound corny but I truly do believe that.