7:55 AM
I couldn't sleep for shit last night. My one roommate has sleep apnea and, as I tossed and turned, I looked up and saw him sleeping standing up. I've never seen that before. He stands about 6'3" and he was facing the door to our room about two feet from my head. It was too creepy.
I went out on the deck to smoke and, after a bit, the cute chick I was talking about came out to smoke. We made small talk and I asked if I made her uncomfortable yesterday when I told her I was attracted to her. She said "no", she felt a little weird but "that's to be expected".
I forgot to mention that when she came out she sat two chairs away.
This morning I told this dude that I gave/sold a pack of cigarettes to for $5 on the front to start borrowing money. He keeps telling me he's waiting on a check. I find this unlikely. He is wearing clothes donated by various organizations and has been in institutions most of his life.
Maybe ten minutes later he came up to me with a $5 bill. I told him to walk with me.
As we walked I told him to take the money back and I would walk with him to the person who lent it to him. I said, "Give the money back to him and say 'thank you'".
He asked why and I told him that it wasn't about the money. I said I get violent when people take advantage of my kindness. I also told him that if he hadn't paid me back then he was essentially calling me a pussy.
He was very grateful.
We/he has all day to find the guy and if he does give the five dollars back to the dude I'm going to give him a pack of smokes if he follows through.
Oh, what REALLY sucks about this morning is that I dropped my toothbrush on the nasty floor after brushing my teeth. Looks like my breath is gonna be STINKIN' today and tomorrow morning.
10:45 AM
I am in a FOUL mood today. I'm angry for no reason and I'm spending entirely too much time in my head.
I walked out of our psycho-ed class. Its topic was "Crisis Management" but this particular counselor is extremely into herself and the topic wasn't adhered to.
Right now, at this point in time, I'm not ready to leave here. You can fuckin' bet that I will be rolling out at 9:45 tomorrow morning but I'm concerned that I won't jump on the things I need to do.
I have no friends right now and I have a big problem with isolation. Isolation and not going to meetings were big contributing factors to both my relapses.
I need to make friends in recovery. I'll definitely be calling my old roommate and hang with him but calling complete strangers that give out phone numbers is hard for me.
I gotta call Gaudenzia and see if they have an after-care program lined up for me. I know they have group therapy sessions but am unsure if they have me scheduled for them.
I've exercised to lose this shitty attitude I have but it didn't help. I think I'll take a nap either now or after lunch.
I hate this fuckin' place. The Clinical Assistants (CAs) care about us getting better but the program they are forced to follow, that has been laid out by some corporate entity, is complacent and ambivalent.
I feel bad for them.
2:10 PM
I'm in a MUCH better mood now.
There is one group therapy session that I actually get something from. I was sitting in the room waiting for it to begin and my roommate came in and said I needed to see the shrink for my psych evaluation that is necessary prior to discharge. I was PISSED. This mother fucker had already interrupted a 12 Step meeting that I needed and now he was interfering with my therapy. I said, "Fuck that" and stayed in group. A few minutes later a nurse came in and said I needed to see the shrink and it would only take a few minutes. It took a half hour because he had other people to see.
When I got back to group they had a few people discuss their issues and then folks had the option to 'recognize' those who were leaving.
A few people said some things but my therapist said the most important. She said she has no question that I'll do well in recovery. She says I'm assertive and chase after it. She mentioned that she feels I have trouble accepting the mental health aspect of myself. She believes pride is stopping me from accepting the mental health issues I have. She's correct but I'm still not taking any fucking pills. Her perspective is that this pride will eventually lead to relapse.
She is correct again.
I couldn't sleep for shit last night. My one roommate has sleep apnea and, as I tossed and turned, I looked up and saw him sleeping standing up. I've never seen that before. He stands about 6'3" and he was facing the door to our room about two feet from my head. It was too creepy.
I went out on the deck to smoke and, after a bit, the cute chick I was talking about came out to smoke. We made small talk and I asked if I made her uncomfortable yesterday when I told her I was attracted to her. She said "no", she felt a little weird but "that's to be expected".
I forgot to mention that when she came out she sat two chairs away.
This morning I told this dude that I gave/sold a pack of cigarettes to for $5 on the front to start borrowing money. He keeps telling me he's waiting on a check. I find this unlikely. He is wearing clothes donated by various organizations and has been in institutions most of his life.
Maybe ten minutes later he came up to me with a $5 bill. I told him to walk with me.
As we walked I told him to take the money back and I would walk with him to the person who lent it to him. I said, "Give the money back to him and say 'thank you'".
He asked why and I told him that it wasn't about the money. I said I get violent when people take advantage of my kindness. I also told him that if he hadn't paid me back then he was essentially calling me a pussy.
He was very grateful.
We/he has all day to find the guy and if he does give the five dollars back to the dude I'm going to give him a pack of smokes if he follows through.
Oh, what REALLY sucks about this morning is that I dropped my toothbrush on the nasty floor after brushing my teeth. Looks like my breath is gonna be STINKIN' today and tomorrow morning.
10:45 AM
I am in a FOUL mood today. I'm angry for no reason and I'm spending entirely too much time in my head.
I walked out of our psycho-ed class. Its topic was "Crisis Management" but this particular counselor is extremely into herself and the topic wasn't adhered to.
Right now, at this point in time, I'm not ready to leave here. You can fuckin' bet that I will be rolling out at 9:45 tomorrow morning but I'm concerned that I won't jump on the things I need to do.
I have no friends right now and I have a big problem with isolation. Isolation and not going to meetings were big contributing factors to both my relapses.
I need to make friends in recovery. I'll definitely be calling my old roommate and hang with him but calling complete strangers that give out phone numbers is hard for me.
I gotta call Gaudenzia and see if they have an after-care program lined up for me. I know they have group therapy sessions but am unsure if they have me scheduled for them.
I've exercised to lose this shitty attitude I have but it didn't help. I think I'll take a nap either now or after lunch.
I hate this fuckin' place. The Clinical Assistants (CAs) care about us getting better but the program they are forced to follow, that has been laid out by some corporate entity, is complacent and ambivalent.
I feel bad for them.
2:10 PM
I'm in a MUCH better mood now.
There is one group therapy session that I actually get something from. I was sitting in the room waiting for it to begin and my roommate came in and said I needed to see the shrink for my psych evaluation that is necessary prior to discharge. I was PISSED. This mother fucker had already interrupted a 12 Step meeting that I needed and now he was interfering with my therapy. I said, "Fuck that" and stayed in group. A few minutes later a nurse came in and said I needed to see the shrink and it would only take a few minutes. It took a half hour because he had other people to see.
When I got back to group they had a few people discuss their issues and then folks had the option to 'recognize' those who were leaving.
A few people said some things but my therapist said the most important. She said she has no question that I'll do well in recovery. She says I'm assertive and chase after it. She mentioned that she feels I have trouble accepting the mental health aspect of myself. She believes pride is stopping me from accepting the mental health issues I have. She's correct but I'm still not taking any fucking pills. Her perspective is that this pride will eventually lead to relapse.
She is correct again.