10:45 AM
I didn't have the opportunity to write about "The Second Thing" last night. It was merely petty drama concerning a rumor that a staff member slept with a patient.
At around 8:45 this morning the dude I got into it with came up to me and said, "Jeff, I owe you an apology". We shook hands and it was over, but…
My skin roommate was discharged at 9:45 this morning. Maybe 10 minutes later, the dude that I almost fought stepped up to his girl and said something along the lines of "Now that your boy is gone you can talk, huh?" WTF? She handled it ok but I promised my boy I would look out for her.
I hate this stupid shit. These mother fuckers aren't here to get better. They're just looking for tail. I NEED to focus on me without the bullshit distractions.
Earlier this morning, when I woke up, I was in fight mode (this was before the dude apologized to me). It was very cold this morning and I was pissed that I couldn't wear a jacket to breakfast. A loose, fleece jacket is a detriment in a fight. I was also concerned that the two pairs of shoes I brought are slip-ons. No laces means that they'll fall off and give my opponent an advantage. I also tacked a calendar on my wall and 'shadow boxed'. I basically kept my eye on certain dates on the calendar and threw punches at them to improve accuracy.
I wasn't expecting or planning to have a jailhouse mentality in rehab. I'll need the weekend to de-program myself when I leave here.
I have a lot of work to do on myself. I see significant changes already but these are merely the basics returning.
12:30 PM
I have group therapy in about 15 minutes. The therapist goes around the room and asks each one of us what we would like to talk about concerning ourselves. I think an appropriate topic would be 'rage' for me.
It takes a lot for me to get angry but that anger turns to rage very, very quickly. This kind of rage is something I just hold on to. When I hold onto it, other instances of rage occur and it all builds up until I explode again.
2:00 PM
Our group was on CBT concerning addiction, the pros and cons of it all. The cons, of course, outweigh the pros but we still pursue our addiction regardless.
There's one dude in our group, a dark skinned black guy, who's veins fuckin' POP out of his skin. I get distracted by this often. I think I'll make it a point to sit next to him in future groups so that I don't fixate on them and get distracted from the knowledge being discussed.
I'm due in the computer room for my tutoring obligation from 3:00 to 4:00. Yesterday was females only and it was dead, well actually, no-one was there.
The days when it is men only is packed. Thus far today, 2 or 3 dudes approached me with questions concerning the computer room. Interesting…
4:05 PM
I just got done over at the computer lab. I mentioned before that folks are more interested in Print Shop. Print Shop is a greeting card, flier, business card creator. Its a rather simple program but I haven't used it in something like fifteen years. I know my way around a computer but something as simple as editing a border had me looking like a complete idiot. Oh well, swallow your pride and ego, Jeff. That's kinda what this is about, its all about change. I guess these simple things are gradual lessons in the attempt to change.
4:20 PM
Note to self: Tell Steph (my friend's girl) that I'm not here to intrude on her privacy. I'm here to make sure no-one fucks with her and to make sure she gets everything she needs to be comfortable with that baby in her belly.
I don't want her to think I'm 'watching her'. I'm not. I made a promise to a good dude that I'd look out for her. I'm not gonna be her shadow. That would SUCK for her. Its all good.
5:10 PM
Just got back from dinner. I told Steph that I'm not here to 'watch' her, I'm here to 'watch out' for her. She laughed and told me she's depressed because John (her man) left today. They make a good couple.
Steph also told me she's trying to get me and her roommate together. Her roommate is the girl that tried to stop me from running downstairs to fight that guy. I told her that I'm conflicted. I'm attracted to her roommate but this place isn't the dating game. We're here to get better. However, I AM diggin' this girl. Physically she reminds me of a very thin 'M'. Steph said that she was just trying to arrange it so we could talk and stuff. We do talk but I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable and interfere with their recovery. Women have it tough here. They have to put up with the distractions of us guys scoping them out. Fuck that, I'm not out to hurt anyone. Besides, I'm in love with 'M'.
I need to:
1) Take care of myself (recovery-wise)
2) Get over the loss of 'M'
3) Plain and simple… GET BETTER
I didn't have the opportunity to write about "The Second Thing" last night. It was merely petty drama concerning a rumor that a staff member slept with a patient.
At around 8:45 this morning the dude I got into it with came up to me and said, "Jeff, I owe you an apology". We shook hands and it was over, but…
My skin roommate was discharged at 9:45 this morning. Maybe 10 minutes later, the dude that I almost fought stepped up to his girl and said something along the lines of "Now that your boy is gone you can talk, huh?" WTF? She handled it ok but I promised my boy I would look out for her.
I hate this stupid shit. These mother fuckers aren't here to get better. They're just looking for tail. I NEED to focus on me without the bullshit distractions.
Earlier this morning, when I woke up, I was in fight mode (this was before the dude apologized to me). It was very cold this morning and I was pissed that I couldn't wear a jacket to breakfast. A loose, fleece jacket is a detriment in a fight. I was also concerned that the two pairs of shoes I brought are slip-ons. No laces means that they'll fall off and give my opponent an advantage. I also tacked a calendar on my wall and 'shadow boxed'. I basically kept my eye on certain dates on the calendar and threw punches at them to improve accuracy.
I wasn't expecting or planning to have a jailhouse mentality in rehab. I'll need the weekend to de-program myself when I leave here.
I have a lot of work to do on myself. I see significant changes already but these are merely the basics returning.
12:30 PM
I have group therapy in about 15 minutes. The therapist goes around the room and asks each one of us what we would like to talk about concerning ourselves. I think an appropriate topic would be 'rage' for me.
It takes a lot for me to get angry but that anger turns to rage very, very quickly. This kind of rage is something I just hold on to. When I hold onto it, other instances of rage occur and it all builds up until I explode again.
2:00 PM
Our group was on CBT concerning addiction, the pros and cons of it all. The cons, of course, outweigh the pros but we still pursue our addiction regardless.
There's one dude in our group, a dark skinned black guy, who's veins fuckin' POP out of his skin. I get distracted by this often. I think I'll make it a point to sit next to him in future groups so that I don't fixate on them and get distracted from the knowledge being discussed.
I'm due in the computer room for my tutoring obligation from 3:00 to 4:00. Yesterday was females only and it was dead, well actually, no-one was there.
The days when it is men only is packed. Thus far today, 2 or 3 dudes approached me with questions concerning the computer room. Interesting…
4:05 PM
I just got done over at the computer lab. I mentioned before that folks are more interested in Print Shop. Print Shop is a greeting card, flier, business card creator. Its a rather simple program but I haven't used it in something like fifteen years. I know my way around a computer but something as simple as editing a border had me looking like a complete idiot. Oh well, swallow your pride and ego, Jeff. That's kinda what this is about, its all about change. I guess these simple things are gradual lessons in the attempt to change.
4:20 PM
Note to self: Tell Steph (my friend's girl) that I'm not here to intrude on her privacy. I'm here to make sure no-one fucks with her and to make sure she gets everything she needs to be comfortable with that baby in her belly.
I don't want her to think I'm 'watching her'. I'm not. I made a promise to a good dude that I'd look out for her. I'm not gonna be her shadow. That would SUCK for her. Its all good.
5:10 PM
Just got back from dinner. I told Steph that I'm not here to 'watch' her, I'm here to 'watch out' for her. She laughed and told me she's depressed because John (her man) left today. They make a good couple.
Steph also told me she's trying to get me and her roommate together. Her roommate is the girl that tried to stop me from running downstairs to fight that guy. I told her that I'm conflicted. I'm attracted to her roommate but this place isn't the dating game. We're here to get better. However, I AM diggin' this girl. Physically she reminds me of a very thin 'M'. Steph said that she was just trying to arrange it so we could talk and stuff. We do talk but I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable and interfere with their recovery. Women have it tough here. They have to put up with the distractions of us guys scoping them out. Fuck that, I'm not out to hurt anyone. Besides, I'm in love with 'M'.
I need to:
1) Take care of myself (recovery-wise)
2) Get over the loss of 'M'
3) Plain and simple… GET BETTER