My mother and I haven't been talking as much since my 'fight' (that wasn't) with my father-
She is obviously hurt by this and calls all the time and I don't return the call.
I feel like a shitty daughter and I feel bad for her........
The background on my mother-
I have ALOT of issues with her- from a very young age she became my friend and not my mother- at 11 I was going with her to concerts and parties where she and her friends were getting fucked up (and she tried to get me to smoke pot) there are a million and one stories of my mother's poor choices.
She has made these choices out of a deep need to be loved and needed.
My father wasn't around much in my life and I replaced that companionship.
Anytime my mother needed guidance, she came to me....this has continued since my mom first saw me as 'an old soul'-
ANyway- She changes her views and what she thinks to fit whoever she is with or whoever she feels will benefit her more........
When my father and I had the spat, if you want to call it that, when i went to visit- my mother came up with all these claims that my father was in the right- I yelled at her and hung up.....
She flat out lied, like she always does.
I hate lies BECAUSE OF MY MOTHER.
She lies, keeps secrets and lives her life in this glorious bubble of denial.
It infuriates me that I can't let it go.......
ANYWAY-
My mother obviously has noticed my distance from her (I am doing this to try to protect myself from situations like today- She is my mother and I love her soooooo much. I see her as someone I need to take care of and comfort and console all the time....I do love her but it is a strange relationship- very turned around) So.....the last few times I have spoken with her, she does this voice like 'poor me' and I haven't been as coddling to her as usual.....
I have been distant and cut our talks short.
I feel mean and have caused this situation by being my mothers mother for the last 10 + years.......
But now I need a breather....like even a short one.
I feel guilty for it- my mom always said anytime I didn't want to talk to someone or didn't do what she wanted 'what if (blank) dies- won't you feel guilty!!' - Because her father died when he and I hadn't made up from my fight with him (he punched me and chased me around the house screaming all sorts of bs at me b/c i was disrespectful and not a catholic- i was 13) But she put this fear into me that now that I am wanting a bit of distance from her for a little while, what if something happens to her.......won't I feel awful.
Tonight Im listening to her talk and then she realizes I am still being distant so she decides to pull the whole 'I am in so much pain- I am so sick" (she has fibromyalgia and so do I so I can relate but she is just looking for me to coddle her) So I say 'Im sorry- I hope you feel better' in a cold voice.......
I couldnt hide it.
I knew she was trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her....then she says she just wants to die and starts crying and says how she is okay if she dies now b/c she can watch over me and my brother and I was like 'When you are in alot of pain, it is normal to have thoughts of death and dying- but it will get better don't worry about it'
SO THEN she sees that is not going to work and she STOPS CRYING. like on a dime turn around!
UGH.
I knew it was alllll manipulation like always.......
Then she starts talking about my brother(she is jumping from one thing to the next to try to get reactions out of me and it was SO TRANSPARENT) She starts in on how his girlfriend gets all the attention and she doesn't get a letter but when he needs something, he will write to her.
That is when I snapped.
I am sorry. but my brother is in fucking Iraq- and yeah, right now he is safe at a base but he wasn't.....he was out fighting and seeing shit I can't even imagine.....so for my mother to act like my brother owes her something b/c she sent him a pair of fucking sunglasses when he needed it made my blood boil. And I said to her 'You are his parent. He does not owe you anything. That is your job as a mother, to take care of your son when he needs it- you act as if b/c you sent him a pair of glasses he is now in debt to you and must write to you every other day!'
She got all uppidy and was like 'oh, well, i have to go' (in this hurt voice....again trying to make me feel bad) so i said okay and we hung up.
What erks me is -
I KNOW what she is doing and I STILL feel bad!!!!!!!!!!!
I still feel guilty.
I think, My poor mother.
She is so lonely and just needs love......
But not once did she ask how I was feeling.....or how Andrew was feeling.......no no....
Man.....my parents confuse the hell out of me.
Just when I start to recover from their constant mindfucks- they strike again.
DAMNIT!
I swear to you, I am not a bitch.
She is obviously hurt by this and calls all the time and I don't return the call.
I feel like a shitty daughter and I feel bad for her........
The background on my mother-
I have ALOT of issues with her- from a very young age she became my friend and not my mother- at 11 I was going with her to concerts and parties where she and her friends were getting fucked up (and she tried to get me to smoke pot) there are a million and one stories of my mother's poor choices.
She has made these choices out of a deep need to be loved and needed.
My father wasn't around much in my life and I replaced that companionship.
Anytime my mother needed guidance, she came to me....this has continued since my mom first saw me as 'an old soul'-
ANyway- She changes her views and what she thinks to fit whoever she is with or whoever she feels will benefit her more........
When my father and I had the spat, if you want to call it that, when i went to visit- my mother came up with all these claims that my father was in the right- I yelled at her and hung up.....
She flat out lied, like she always does.
I hate lies BECAUSE OF MY MOTHER.
She lies, keeps secrets and lives her life in this glorious bubble of denial.
It infuriates me that I can't let it go.......
ANYWAY-
My mother obviously has noticed my distance from her (I am doing this to try to protect myself from situations like today- She is my mother and I love her soooooo much. I see her as someone I need to take care of and comfort and console all the time....I do love her but it is a strange relationship- very turned around) So.....the last few times I have spoken with her, she does this voice like 'poor me' and I haven't been as coddling to her as usual.....
I have been distant and cut our talks short.
I feel mean and have caused this situation by being my mothers mother for the last 10 + years.......
But now I need a breather....like even a short one.
I feel guilty for it- my mom always said anytime I didn't want to talk to someone or didn't do what she wanted 'what if (blank) dies- won't you feel guilty!!' - Because her father died when he and I hadn't made up from my fight with him (he punched me and chased me around the house screaming all sorts of bs at me b/c i was disrespectful and not a catholic- i was 13) But she put this fear into me that now that I am wanting a bit of distance from her for a little while, what if something happens to her.......won't I feel awful.
Tonight Im listening to her talk and then she realizes I am still being distant so she decides to pull the whole 'I am in so much pain- I am so sick" (she has fibromyalgia and so do I so I can relate but she is just looking for me to coddle her) So I say 'Im sorry- I hope you feel better' in a cold voice.......
I couldnt hide it.
I knew she was trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her....then she says she just wants to die and starts crying and says how she is okay if she dies now b/c she can watch over me and my brother and I was like 'When you are in alot of pain, it is normal to have thoughts of death and dying- but it will get better don't worry about it'
SO THEN she sees that is not going to work and she STOPS CRYING. like on a dime turn around!
UGH.
I knew it was alllll manipulation like always.......
Then she starts talking about my brother(she is jumping from one thing to the next to try to get reactions out of me and it was SO TRANSPARENT) She starts in on how his girlfriend gets all the attention and she doesn't get a letter but when he needs something, he will write to her.
That is when I snapped.
I am sorry. but my brother is in fucking Iraq- and yeah, right now he is safe at a base but he wasn't.....he was out fighting and seeing shit I can't even imagine.....so for my mother to act like my brother owes her something b/c she sent him a pair of fucking sunglasses when he needed it made my blood boil. And I said to her 'You are his parent. He does not owe you anything. That is your job as a mother, to take care of your son when he needs it- you act as if b/c you sent him a pair of glasses he is now in debt to you and must write to you every other day!'
She got all uppidy and was like 'oh, well, i have to go' (in this hurt voice....again trying to make me feel bad) so i said okay and we hung up.
What erks me is -
I KNOW what she is doing and I STILL feel bad!!!!!!!!!!!
I still feel guilty.
I think, My poor mother.
She is so lonely and just needs love......
But not once did she ask how I was feeling.....or how Andrew was feeling.......no no....
Man.....my parents confuse the hell out of me.
Just when I start to recover from their constant mindfucks- they strike again.
DAMNIT!
I swear to you, I am not a bitch.
)