8: 20 AM
I had some more dreams last night.
I was with Shaman walking towards the side of the house that I grew up in. He ran ahead of me and somehow squeezed through the gate. I walked in after him. For some reason I checked the gate and it was locked.
I was then laying in bed in my old bedroom scratching his cheek, chin and throat. I was wondering why I hadn't told my mom that I was home from rehab.
Then it was like another dream was happening at the same time (or that the two were alternating). The second dream was of a sexual nature (soft-core style) involving an ex-girlfriend (not 'M').
My mom walked into the room as I was petting Shaman. I think it was my mom, all that I saw was a silhouette. The silhouette was on one side of Shaman (slightly behind) and then, without moving, it was on the other side of him.
I then woke up screaming.
I wear earplugs at night but my roommate was saying "yo, yo".
I then went back to sleep.
I'll figure that one out later.
12:04 PM
Oh! A few days back I was bitchin' about someone stealing my razor from the locked closet. I was confused as to why they would steal my razor and not my smokes that were in there. Well, there was a plastic bag in my container that had the razor in it. So, apparently I'm quick to judge. I gotta work on that.
I wear earplugs at night to drown out my roommate's snoring. Its kinda cool. I think I'll look into 'sensory deprivation' techniques. I'm curious as to whether the earplugs contribute to the vivid nature of my dreams. Not only are my dreams so real in nature, I remember them clearly for hours.
7:00 PM
I'm feeling pretty emotional right now. I'm dwelling in my head about 'M'. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head. Fuck, I wish I knew what was going on inside mine.
I love her and always will. I'll always feel the positive and negative impact that she has made on my heart. I still have hope for us but I really shouldn't be thinking of an 'us'. There can be no 'us' without a 'me' concerning a relationship with anyone.
I'm confused. I have always had a VERY clear vision of her and I together. So clear. It just felt so right. Is it that I am so idealistic? Is it that I am emotionally young/stunted? Is it that the drugs fogged my 'clear' vision into a horrible fallacy? Or is it that she simply had no faith in me, her, us?
I can't be dwelling on this but perhaps writing about it will purge these thoughts so I can focus on me.
Fuck, we never explored options to keep us together. An unbiased, third-party perspective in the form of couples counseling?
This will hurt for a long time. As time progresses it will hurt less but I feel it will ALWAYS hurt in some form.
Why am I so fucking sensitive?
9:45 PM
KILLER FUCKING MEETING!!!
they allowed us to go to a meeting in The Commons tonight. Its run by addicts from outside the facility. A home group member from this meeting was celebrating his 25th year anniversary of being clean. He remembered me from when I used to go to meetings in this area. I didn't approach him. I was just sitting in my chair and he kept looking over at me and nodding his head in recognition. I couldn't believe he remembered me after all this time! Of course I remembered him. He is one of the passionate, knock-your-dick-in-the-dirt addicts that carries a powerful message.
It was before the meeting so I jumped up and got a killer hug and shot the shit with him for a bit. I turned around and there was ANOTHER familiar face from way back when. Then another, and another, and another. I don't know how many but there were a lot of faces that I have been missing for a long time.
I was thinking of them when I was in Colorado and I was thinking of them when I came back to Pennsylvania. They were genuinely happy and excited to see me.
After the message was shared, I raised my hand to share. I told them how grateful and happy that they were there.
I shared that one of my goals that I had for my time in rehab was to cry in front of someone. I told them (as I started to get choked up) that it was starting to happen.
I cried in front of 80 people tonight. It felt good but was uncomfortable at the same time.
There's hope for me. All the petty shit I've been complaining about so far means nothing. I CAN get better. I CAN do this. I CAN get a life worth living.
It won't happen over night but it WILL happen.
I had some more dreams last night.
I was with Shaman walking towards the side of the house that I grew up in. He ran ahead of me and somehow squeezed through the gate. I walked in after him. For some reason I checked the gate and it was locked.
I was then laying in bed in my old bedroom scratching his cheek, chin and throat. I was wondering why I hadn't told my mom that I was home from rehab.
Then it was like another dream was happening at the same time (or that the two were alternating). The second dream was of a sexual nature (soft-core style) involving an ex-girlfriend (not 'M').
My mom walked into the room as I was petting Shaman. I think it was my mom, all that I saw was a silhouette. The silhouette was on one side of Shaman (slightly behind) and then, without moving, it was on the other side of him.
I then woke up screaming.
I wear earplugs at night but my roommate was saying "yo, yo".
I then went back to sleep.
I'll figure that one out later.
12:04 PM
Oh! A few days back I was bitchin' about someone stealing my razor from the locked closet. I was confused as to why they would steal my razor and not my smokes that were in there. Well, there was a plastic bag in my container that had the razor in it. So, apparently I'm quick to judge. I gotta work on that.
I wear earplugs at night to drown out my roommate's snoring. Its kinda cool. I think I'll look into 'sensory deprivation' techniques. I'm curious as to whether the earplugs contribute to the vivid nature of my dreams. Not only are my dreams so real in nature, I remember them clearly for hours.
7:00 PM
I'm feeling pretty emotional right now. I'm dwelling in my head about 'M'. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head. Fuck, I wish I knew what was going on inside mine.
I love her and always will. I'll always feel the positive and negative impact that she has made on my heart. I still have hope for us but I really shouldn't be thinking of an 'us'. There can be no 'us' without a 'me' concerning a relationship with anyone.
I'm confused. I have always had a VERY clear vision of her and I together. So clear. It just felt so right. Is it that I am so idealistic? Is it that I am emotionally young/stunted? Is it that the drugs fogged my 'clear' vision into a horrible fallacy? Or is it that she simply had no faith in me, her, us?
I can't be dwelling on this but perhaps writing about it will purge these thoughts so I can focus on me.
Fuck, we never explored options to keep us together. An unbiased, third-party perspective in the form of couples counseling?
This will hurt for a long time. As time progresses it will hurt less but I feel it will ALWAYS hurt in some form.
Why am I so fucking sensitive?
9:45 PM
KILLER FUCKING MEETING!!!
they allowed us to go to a meeting in The Commons tonight. Its run by addicts from outside the facility. A home group member from this meeting was celebrating his 25th year anniversary of being clean. He remembered me from when I used to go to meetings in this area. I didn't approach him. I was just sitting in my chair and he kept looking over at me and nodding his head in recognition. I couldn't believe he remembered me after all this time! Of course I remembered him. He is one of the passionate, knock-your-dick-in-the-dirt addicts that carries a powerful message.
It was before the meeting so I jumped up and got a killer hug and shot the shit with him for a bit. I turned around and there was ANOTHER familiar face from way back when. Then another, and another, and another. I don't know how many but there were a lot of faces that I have been missing for a long time.
I was thinking of them when I was in Colorado and I was thinking of them when I came back to Pennsylvania. They were genuinely happy and excited to see me.
After the message was shared, I raised my hand to share. I told them how grateful and happy that they were there.
I shared that one of my goals that I had for my time in rehab was to cry in front of someone. I told them (as I started to get choked up) that it was starting to happen.
I cried in front of 80 people tonight. It felt good but was uncomfortable at the same time.
There's hope for me. All the petty shit I've been complaining about so far means nothing. I CAN get better. I CAN do this. I CAN get a life worth living.
It won't happen over night but it WILL happen.