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Recently the only way I can sleep is by taking 200 mgs of Lyrica and a gram of Valerian root.

I wish I had xanax or ambien, or both.

And the only way I will work on studying for the accuplacer and look for a job is 20-40 + mgs of Adderall.

UGH what is wrong with me!

So, my babies are doing good...grrr, hope they're all girls...been playing them a lot of zeppelin...i think its good for their chi...

Hey this might be my last time online for a while, got my warm trippled layerd cloths, and got all my stuff packed, all of it, fuck my room and cleaning, i got everything pretty much together.
I guess this means goodbye,
I'll be thinking of yal,

Drew

i called on you
and you werent there
the one person i thought i could count on,
the one person i thought would care

I just want to apologize for flooding the front page of the 'Blogs' section when I posted my story. You see, I had these already typed up on another blog located @ http://skinny.snoogins.net so I just copied them over to BL. I wasn't aware that they would occupy the whole page for the whole day.

So I just want to say a big I'M SORRY for doing that. If I was aware that was going to happen, I would not have posted them all at once. Sorry, again, and I assure you it will not happen again. Thanks Mods for not deleting my entries though. However, if you would have, I would have completely understood.

-legz

BEFORE READING THIS: Please note that I am not discrediting god in any way shape or form, I am simply putting this 'death' into terms.
　
When you think of something dying, you think of it withering away and being non-existant. But what really is dying?


Everything in existance is a cycle. As time passes by and time grows older - so does matter. One thing i've noticed though, is that nothing really ever 'dies'. Take living creatures for example. When we die, we become a nutrient to something else. Whether that be another organism, or fertilizer for the ground to create something new again; such as a plant, a mineral, or even a new organism!


Why do I say new organism? Well, lets say we die and our bodies deteriorate and fertilize the earth, creating a plant. A creature eats the plant, and it keeps the creature alive by metabolizing the nutrients it got from the plant. Even the fecal matter/waste produced by an organism isn't just waste, it has a purpose to. Fertilization. So in reality, we are all connected, we are all a part of each other. There is no diffferent species really, there is no different anything. We are simply one with another.


Most things are made of organic material. One organism, living or non-living, fed off of another organism to survive. In turn that organism gave nutrients to the living somehow, whether that being food for another predator, or simply dying and replenishing the earth. But nobody can deny this evidence, not only does it agree with the laws of physics but it's just common sense for any intelligent person who wants to sit down and think about the cycle of life and evolution.


You could even take the sun for example. It goes through a process, it might be a very long one, but eventually it dies. But when it finally blasts into a supernova, throwing back out minerals into space, the minerals are used to create new galaxies and such. Just like Newton's law, matter is never created or destroyed.


Well, I think that I need to add something to that quote. Matter is never created or destroyed, it is simply recycled.


Of course though, that always leaves questions like If matter is never created, and is always recycled, well then how did it come to be created in the first place? That's where god comes into plan.


So what happens when we 'die'?


Do we return in another form?
I don't believe that ourselves truly do. Instead, we return in many different forms. It's like, all of the matter and materials that as once us will eventually be given back to the earth are used to create other things. So in a sense, we are reborn, just not the way people really think. Part of us could be a fish, while another part could be a tree, or the plastic my laptop was made of(despite the fact that some plastic is synthetic people forget that synthetic materials aren't actually created from scratch, but just natural elements mixed and thrown together creating a new, man-made substance) There's an infinate amount of possibilities.


Of course we won't know who/what we were before, but a part of us will always become a part of something else in the future. I don't believe in reincarnation, because when we are 'reborn' we aren't reborn into another body/animal/plant completely. Let's say our bodies would represent a full, 100% circle graph. When we die it's broken down into abobut 100 different percentages/pieces, and those pieces are connected with other pieces to create new life. So actually we're 'reborn' several times into many different forms, as our nutrients are seperated. And other forms of life come together with those individual pieces until it makes the circle graph, an organism, full again.


Since the dawn of time mankind has searched for the clues to eternal life, and I have one simple answer. There is no such thing as eternal life, but life IS eternal. We all actually do live forever, we're just recycled and made into new things, sort of like recycling aluminum.. i guess you could say. Haha.


So my answer to "What really is dying?" is simply: The only thing non-existant about dying is death itself. Truly we all really do live forever.



Speaking of all this though, i mean it completely in the physical sense. It might seem hypocritical to say this, but once again, Answering this raises so many more questions than the question itself, and but once again some questions can never be answered.

When people think about something being intelligent, they think about it being calm, collected, sophisticated, and well.. boring. Being only apathetic really. And of course, you have those 'hybrid' minds who are fun, outgoing, crazy and sometimes stupid, but are actually quite smart.

But lets forget the normal cliches and just think about it for a second. The word 'intelligent' could be broken down into so many different categories. For instance, a person with autism may not be able to function correctly in what we call a normal world, but it's proven that 80% of them are genuises. Ironic to the normal thinker? Haha I believe so.

Lets say Jim over here is pretty forgetful, and isn't good with tests at school. But in his mind he's able to analyze everything into ratios and formulas and answer problems that to most of us would be unknown. While Lacy on the other hand has a photogenic memory and can remember things easily, but she lacks the capibility to actually understand how things work and can't analyze things if it could save her life.

And then of course, theres the artistic people that can't think or memorize at all, but could paint a brilliant masterpiece; or produce a symphony, ect.

Intelligence comes in many shapes in sizes. People shouldn't just be considered smart because they can remember things or because they are good at bookwork. Unless your iq is below 80, all of us have a form of higher intelligence in our brains, whatever that may be.

It all boils down to what part of the brain is active the most.
Some of us know what that is, some of us don't. Me, im an analyzer and an artist, even though my memory isn't worth a dime. Haha. What does that mean? Well I actually did some tests a few months ago that told me that instead of using one side of the brain more than the other, im in the middle. What a great place to be, in between things. hahaha.

The whole point of this blog is to put the thought in your head that everybody is smart, and you should find out what type of smart you are. Come on, your on myspace, that automatically tells me your bored out of your mind. So why not go for it?

Take a deep breath, and look into your own mind and see what kind of person you are. Look some stuff up, go to a college/psycologist/healer and take some tests.
Experiment.

I know what type of person I am, but do you?

We all went to a school where everyone hated you; but now that we've gotten to know the real you, your gaining friends by the day.
You bring me happiness, yet you ask for nothing in return.
After hanging out, you tend to linger for a while.. but that's okay, because friends are supposed to stay tight.
You've opened my mind to so many levels, it's like when we talk im a more intelligent being.
Listening to music becomes so much deeper when your around.
Every time you come over I feel myself going to the kitchen a lot more, but again thats okay. More the reason to make a zesty feast for my dinner guests
We can go weeks without talking, and still be as tight as we were before.
Your forgiving and kind, gentle and sincere.
We've had some damn good times together.
Your a friend that bonds in a special way, and you've helped me connect to my inner self the way nobody else has.
Hell, you even connect me to new friends.
When your around it's like everything is okay, and everyone around me is just as happy as we are.
We've never been a fight, and we've never argued.
I'll admit you've got me in some trouble in the past, but it's okay because they just don't understand.
The day we get to chill every day without having to do it in secret, we will throw the biggest party known to man.
I've only celebrated your birthday for a couple years now.
Some people take advantage of you, but I never will. We're close for all the right reasons.
I consider you a gift from god.
I wish I could show the world what a great person you are, and that none of the rumors are true.
When I first met you I didn't like you at all, but the more I got to know you the closer we got.
Sometimes the people who hang around you make bad decisions.. and I regret that. But it's not your fault, it's theirs.
You'll continue to make people happy even when im long gone.
Your not a big part of my life, but you're a damn good chunk.

Your a great person man. I hope we can be friends for a long long time.

Brand: Medicali
Features:

• Down-stem diffuser [came w/pipe]
• Ash catcher [$80]
• Ice catch [ part of pipe]
• Water pipe [$110.00]
• Case [$10.00]

With the past two paychecks I got I saved up and got me this Medicali pipe I saw at a head shop I drive by on the way to work (Heads of State). So far I love it, one of the smoothest bong's I've hit out of which is a good sign! I'm planning on buying all the Medicali products in the head shops around Denver I can find so that I have a collection of matching pipes.

They also had this sick cigarette case I got on sale, I've been looking for a good case for months but all the ones I've seen are made of cheap metal and I didn't really ever care much for the designs. This one is nice because it's made of heavy metal that's very durable plus I love the color and logo on it. Check it out...

Happy toking!

is........
Winter!




I think I will be posting photos for this round
We got our first snowfall yesterday!

hey all, well tommoro is the day, got someone coming to get me, and take me to a homeless shelter until a bed opens at a rehab.
I have no idea what to expect, I've never been in a homeless shelter before. I don't even know where to begin. but I've got willingness to get over this bump. I cant keep going by my ways to stay sane and sober.
Its a place to go, since I've got no where else to go, I need that Humility to be able to get through life, I can hopefully look back at this and glad I'm not there anymore.

I have no idea what to expect here, Don't know If I will have internet or what, so if you don't hear from me it doesn't mean I'm dead. Hopefully trying to tame the beast, and be sober for once in my life. and to be happy.

Thanks to all who has helped me and given me resources. You will always be a friend to me,

much love,
Drew

12/14/09 6:10 PM

disease - abnormal condition; illness
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

addiction - the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

Has my disease been active recently? In what way?

I've been getting angry and obsessive over people I have no power or control over. There's this guy that hurt someone I care about. He believes he is 'the shit' and can do anything he wants without repercussions. He buys his friends and uses people like the person he hurt to inflate his ego. I want to deliver consequences to him in many ways (VIOLENCE, monetary, slander) but I know it isn't up to me. Its MY ego that wants to hurt HIS ego. I just need to be patient and let my higher power handle it. I just wish I could be a fly on the wall when he gets 'balanced' out.

somebody i really like and am getting really fucking attached to is moving to colombia at the end of the week. i hate this, i dont even know them too well and im not sure if they like me or not. i fucking hate this and i hate getting attached to people all the fucking time.

My heroin habit got so bad that I spent my student loan money on the shit--then I spent most of my regular income on it. When that failed, I had to resort to burglary, something I would NEVER do. But it was a desperate act by a desperate junkie.
Fast forwarding to later that night, I was brought in for questioning on account of eyewitness reports. I was nodding and leaning throughout the whole interrogation--that really pissed them off. But I must've told them what they wanted to hear--I was promptly jailed.
Detoxing in jail was an absolutely horrific experience. Let's just say I spent about a week curled up in the fetal position in my bunk. I need not describe the symptoms, most of you already know what they are like.
I was released on a signature bond two weeks later. FREEDOM!
When the cops came a-knockin at my door the night I was arrested, I had stashed $200 worth of heroin into the bathroom exhaust fan. It was still there when I got back. My veins were yearning for it.
But...
I called my mom into the bathroom, showed her the baggies and explained to her that it was a good quantity of heroin. She said okay, what are you saying? Then I threw the baggies into the toilet and flushed it, making sure she was watching. I handed over my package of 1cc insulin spikes.
"Mom," said I, "I need you and my wife (seperated, hence me living with mom for the time being) to commit me to substance abuse treatment. I have a serious problem that I cannot resolve on my own."
She was so happy there were tears in her eyes.
I spent four days in the hospital while they did urine and blood tests, checking for hep, HIV, all that good shit since I was an IV user. They nursed me back to health with nourishing meals and lots of vitamins.
On the fourth day, they held an impromptu "court" in a conference room--myself, two lawyers, my psychiatrist, my mother and a sherriff. My psychiatrist told them I was suffering from severe opioid dependency and it was in my best interest to be referred to a residential facility.
I rode in the sherriff's car for an hour and a half to get to rehab.
Long story short, half the shit they preached in there I already knew--either through school or "first hand" knowledge, but the important thing is I learned a great deal about myself.
28 days later, I'm back home. Been home for two weeks. 45 days clean and sober. Off the gear, finally. Now I need to keep it that way, or the consequences will be disastrous.
If a heroin user is reading this who wants to stop, you can do it. If I can fucking do it, you can too.

always look for a new problem to fix.

or is it i'm a problem looking for a new solution to fuck up?

Well, today...well..yesterday[the 14th] I turned 23 years old. I am currently back on amphetamines, and haven't had a break off opiates since my 17th birthday(besides the couple of weeks, when your too broke too sick to cop, of course.)

can't get crack out of my head this morning...haven't smoked any in exactly 11 months and so-and-so days...I'm glad, but in a way, feel almost apathetic about it, I guess would be the correct way to put it. Being back on speed along with the opiate-bullshit, is putting me in places I'd forgotten about, and wish I'd kept in my past.

fuck.

I'm still feeling good, its day 3 of feeling like this good. Like i havent in ..... holy crap....a decade, fuck im getting old LOL

Im smiling, im happy, im being silly again...hell playing with kids toys in zellers, trying on neglegees in zellers...haha ya not the fucked up anxiety me..... that's the goofy, weird, REAL me.

Hell I even think my BL posts are sounding less bah and more uplifting now too....

I've even gone girly a little....still a little tomboyish, probably always will be at heart but I find myself wearing dresses, make-up, buying high heeled kinky boots that I actually like and can walk in. I find myself smiling alot.

Hell I even found myself asking someone on a date. Damn, that's a first for me, actually thats a lie, I did when i was 14 and he laughed at me and said no and kept laughing as he walked away....the jerk. lol.

This time, though I was nervous, though I shouldn't have been as I trust this person with my life....with the life of my kids......

I found myself being stupidily girly and nervous and all that early 20's shit....not hittting 30's shit.

I kept smiling though, no matter what his answer would be, I knew I would keep smiling as just talking again with him was a step in the right direction.

Not sure if its wise to ask said person out on date considering our past, considering how i feel for him, and considering he is in a possible relationship with another girl.

I just sound myself smiling and typing the shit out, and then realizing....out shit.....I just asked the dude out on a date....and didnt even realize it......and laughed at myself....and my stupidity.

I found myself smiling on the bus last night and being goofy with this 2yr old lil boy who was a mouthy lil thang but cute.

We'll see how the other matter handles out. Not that its anyone's bee's wax, but hey....

if I can keep smiling, if i could get to this point....who knows what's possible out there.

Like "Dotty" from "Nemo" says..... "just keep swimming, just keep swimmin, swimmin, just keep swimming".

Well I need to "Just keep smiling, just keep smilin' smilin', just keep smiling" no matter what happens in life.

When you smile at the world, the world smiles back at you and your luck tenfolds, or so im told.

Funny thing is, being engaged twice and failed and such.... i have NEVER been on a date, how sad is that? always just relationship this and that and no dates....

Shit, I don't even know what one is or what one wears or how one acts or such...... fuck almost 30 and I'm starting to feel like Drew Barrymore from "Never Been Kissed"

but I do know reality from fiction and I know not all thingshave happy endings and knights on white horses and shit.

I would just love to know how the fuck to wear make-up and what I should wear......

Not that I have to do either, I could show up in mud stained ripped up clothes and I'd be alright on this thing.

Im just being stupid here. I dunno.

All I know is its day 3 of Smiling and feeling good.

12/14/09 6:05 PM

disease - abnormal condition; illness
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

addiction - the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

What does 'the disease of addiction' mean to me?

My disease is the darkest parts of me. The parts of my mind that doesn't like me. The part that wants me to run from life's 'problems'. The part of me that wants me to be lazy, expecting rewards or benefits without applying effort. Its the part of me that only thinks of me and no-one else. Its the part that allows me to lie to myself and allows me to believe those lies.

It wants me to hurt or punish me in my sick way of 'making things better' for the things I do

12/15/09 5:00 PM

After looking over my answers to these questions I realize that I haven't really answered to the best of my ability. I copped out and took the lazy approach.

What seems to work best for me is writing a piece at a time as things become more apparent and clear to me.

The 'disease' part of addiction isn't some three headed monster that kicks my door in and sticks a needle in my arm or implant negative, self-centered thoughts. The disease is ME.

fucking shit cock fuck.

Sometimes, no matter how much I tell myself I don't care anymore, its been forever, fuck her-your cooler anyways, forget about it, ect.

and regardless of many drugs I do,

I still fucking can't keep a bit better composer....by that I mean I'm a fucking tool who just blew a kiss towards her house, as I now live very close by. (just out the win of my room mate)

This is a really shitty feeling. I can face up to, comitte, handle, and then lol about horrible violence and shit.

But I'm more 'traumatized' by some girl I use to see. WTF? I mean I fucking adored her. (yeah...I still do) and shit, but still, its not usually a epic trauma, this kind of thing. In any case, I've been though worse trauma, which did not cause me any issues.

Why am I sometimes turned into such a pile of lame?

fuck this shit...I don't know what i'm gonna do, but I need to unfuck myself.

Im back. when did this happen? just all of a sudden this past day or two.... ive been...i dunno.....happy, goofy, silly, in a good mood. a big kid......everything i was before i was "sick" and stupid.

I feel so..... such...... relief.


No matter what happens in my social life, my love life, my family life. I am not stressing, no drama, no nothing. Just smiles.

Smiling, I feel like smiling again.

This isa good thing.

Though I also want to get high and get totally fucked up but i did drugs when happy too.

I am thinking of getting some drinks, getting fucked up and just enjoying a night.

Have a good time, and hope this smiley, happy, nice stage stays awhile, I havent been this way...... in so many damn years.

Since Jube, i think that's the last time I was this happy, before jube died.

Being silly, being goofy, joking around, fliirting, asking men out on dates, getting all girly again after over 20yrs of being tomboyish.....i actually look girly these days.

I like my life right now, only 1 thing could make it better.

We'll see though.....either way, I am happy and nothing can stop that from me right now.

edit: and here i am now, an hour later. completely fine. thinking as clear as i can after smoking a bowl of church lol. i just cannot wait until i can go to a professional and get this shit under control.

---

i need a fucking xanax. i guess i was trying to prove something to myself by not taking any. but then when my boyfriend comes home and i actually have to talk to a human being in person, i realize how fucking miserable i am. and i wonder why i torture myself every fucking day by not taking any xanax, just because i need to prove something to myself.

fuck it, what is there to prove? i am addicted. i have a fucking problem. i feel horrible right now. i feel MEAN. fucking MEAN. my skin is crawling from the inside. i feel sore. i can't fucking think straight or rationally. my thoughts are all fragmented and there are so many of them. i feel nauseated.

i was on facebook and i noticed my boyfriend's sister's status. it was like "making christmas cookies with the girls" or some shit. i thought about how that stuff doesn't make me happy. i would be bored, and uncomfortable. and i thought about how non of that happy holidays shit makes me happy. or how i think "normal" family things suck. and then my boyfriend came home and told me i have to go to his sisters tomorrow to eat christmas cookies and see the new baby. i should be excited, but i'm annoyed. i don't want to fake a smile and eat fucking cookies and pretend the baby is oh so cute. i don't want to watch my language and pretend i'm a happy jesus loving girl with good morals. that isn't me and i shouldn't have to fake a god damn thing.

somehow i got out of going to thanksgiving dinner. i'm not gonna get out of christmas. last year i had to sit in a circle with his family and watch them exchange gifts. the only thing that got me through that was wine. i was so out of place. and even then i didn't have social anxiety to the degree i have it now. it's going to really suck. i already have that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach.

truthfully, i am jealous of those who can enjoy making cookies with their family. or driving around to see the christmas lights without having to take some LSD for it to be amusing.

i'm thinking way too much. i've been all day. and i don't give a fuck, i'm taking xanax now. i don't need to feel like this. i guess you would call my boyfriend my "enabler." he has seen the drastic change in me, from being a complete headcase to the nice girl i used to be naturally. he's been making sure i have xanax whenever i need it. earlier i asked him how he puts up with it. and he said he can see through it, and knows i'm still in there somewhere. he really loves me... and i know i love him. but this me, right here and now, loves no one or nothing. i feel heartless.

....let's see how i feel in twenty minutes or so....
*sigh*

is that simple and effortless, possibly in-applicable or contradictory ad-hominem's can be highly effective at countering the most soild and well reasoned arguments.

No matter what, after they spend 20 minutes telling you their point, with facts to back it and a clear logical though process, caling them a cum guzzling faggot (bonus points if its a female where the two statements would contradict each other!) or a neckbearded virgin (often not far from the truth...) is often enough to enrage them and reduce their solid argument down to baaw.

this troll moment brought to you by

--fleshlight: holy shit, it feels just like a real pussy!--
and
----------moot: gheying up /b/-----------------------

thanks for tuning in.

Got this from a thread in the psychadelic drugs forum from about a year ago.

I'm typing this as I’m coming down off of my first DXM trip. At this point it is still difficult for me to concentrate.

I drank 300ml of tussin, I think it came out to 600mg of DXM overall. The trip was not enjoyable for me, most of the time I was nauseous. I was high for maybe 6 hours and during that period I felt like my mind couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than a couple seconds. I’m not 100% sure if I had any true ego loss, but at one point I felt like I was floating in my room, and it was almost like I could look down at my body on the bed laying there motionless. The air felt very heavy and thick. My mind would go from one idea to another very quickly and it seemed like I couldn’t focus on anything. I was in a constant state of discomfort, like I suddenly had an idea to do something then instantly it became a bad idea for some reason. I would think “I’m hungry” and get up to go make food then a second later the thought of food was repulsive. It was a constant state of unrest.

At one point I was staring at a fan and after a while the swirling blades started to meld together to make some sort of crazy illusion. I saw all kinds of patterns and shapes in it.

I felt as if my consciousness had been ripped out of my body, it was incredible and horrifying at the same time, I don’t recommend it. While this trip defiantly had some good parts the negative effects are way too harsh. For the first time in my life I cant seem to control my short-term memory. Never doing this again.

Today I was thinking back to a moment earlier this year that struck me really hard, and made me realise just how much my drug addiction was affecting those around me. Over a period of about a year, I'd been noticing that my dad was acting more and more distant towards me. Conversation was minimal, and he'd never ask about the latest goings-on in my life.

Eventually I approached my mum about this and asked her why he was doing this. She sat down with me and explained that dad had been trying to emotionally distance himself from me for a reason... because he was predicting that I'd soon die. He was mentally preparing himself for the shock of finding me slumped on my bed, dead, or getting a call from the hospital informing him that his daughter had fatally overdosed or been murdered by some dealer or gang member.

It was such a wake up for me.