Heroin. Wow, where to even start about this fucking horrible chemical that plagued my life for years and has done the same to thousands of others. I was first introduced to Heroin by Scum, my 40 year uncle who I mentioned in the post before this. I cannot blame him for getting addicted to it though. I would have certainly found a way to get it without him, but he was the first one to get me heroin. He was also the one supplying me with Methadone, and like I said in my previous post, I was heavily addicted to painkillers (Oxycontin & Methadone) before even considering doing heroin.
So I will begin there. Pickle and I started off using together. The first set of bags we got were stamped “Dead End” and I find that to be kind of ironic, because that’s exactly what heroin is–a dead end. Once you start using heroin you know there is no where to go but down. Well, you might not realize that immediately but your eyes will soon be opened to that.
I started out how everyone else starts, by snorting it. At first it was lovely. A bundle (10 bags) would last me about a week or at least 5 days. I could snort one bag and be nodding and be right nearly all day. I was probably about to turn 19 or already 19 when I started snorting it, and like any other drug I tried, it was fun and social at first. My friends and I would all throw money together and get a bunch of skag and just blow lines until we were too stoned to do so anymore, but unlike most other drugs, this honeymoon period did not last long. I’d say it was fun for about 6 months or so, while I was still in denial about having a habit. I met KB at this time too. I made it clear to her that I have always been a drug user, and let it be known that I was dabbling with heroin but again, I denied I had any kind of addiction to the stuff. Our relationship took off and was great at first, but it didn’t last long, yet she still stayed with me. I don’t know why, but I am guessing that she thought that I would eventually stop. As bad as I wanted to, my love for her was not strong enough to stop me from doing the drug. As sad as that sounds, it is the honest truth. I remember a countless number of times where she would ask me if I would choose her or my other girlfriend, heroin, and I would try to be honest when I would tell her that I would never choose a drug over her, but I think she even knew that I was lying. She knew I needed my fix to do anything, like get out of bed to take a shower, brush my teeth, go to work, or anything for that matter. If she wanted me to take her out, she knew I needed to be high to do so. It was a horrible one sided relationship and I wish I would have been more dedicated to getting clean back then, but still, I can’t say I regret where my addiction left me. My life right now is awesome, and I have more knowledge about the horrors of drug addiction than I would have if I never would have done the things I did.
Okay I got a little sidetracked there, but back to the story. I stuck to snorting for the first year or so of my addiction. I watched my habit go from snorting 1 bag to get right to breaking open 5 bags at a time just to get where 1 bag used to take me. Does that make sense? To any junkie it will, I am sure of that. During this year, all the friends that I was using with grew distant, as did all my friends who watched from the sidelines as I became a nasty heroin addict. I can’t say I blame them either because it’s a disgusting road to go down. So anyway, snorting began to get expensive, so one day a friend of mine, we’ll refer to him as Dom. He told me he was had a doctor’s appointment and he was going to try to get a needle or two because his habit was also leading in that direction. I told him to get me one, but of course I told him I probably wouldn’t use it. Ha! As soon as he got back I had him tie me off and inject me with 1 bag and the instant warm sensation that came over me blew me away. I instantly knew I was in trouble, that I had not even seen a thing yet, and I was right. From that day on snorting was not an option, and shooting heroin directly into my bloodstream was the only way to go. I told myself I would never do this when I started doing heroin, but then when I was doing painkillers I also told myself I would never do heroin either. It’s crazy what addiction will do to our morals and standards.
Now I was still 19 when I started shooting, and it seems like my habit just began the first day I picked up that needle. The withdrawals were 10x worse compared to when I was snorting, and now I knew I had a problem. KB was still with me and I remember how terrified and ashamed she was when she first noticed a trackmark on my arm. I, of course, assured her there was nothing to worry about and that by administering the drug this way I would be saving money and therefore would be able to take her out more. Ha! Yeah, like that happened. Any penny that I owned went towards dope, and nearly every penny that she made also went there.
I was an absolute junkie by the time I was 20, and I was living with my grandmother at this point. I started robbing from her around this time too, that is, after I ran up all my credit cards and sold everything that I owned. I guess she was used to this because like I said, her son, Scum, was a junkie too, so throughout his childhood I am sure that she lost tons of money to his habit. After about a year of pawning, losing jobs, using people I love, and stealing from my grandmother, she had enough and gave me the boot. I had no choice but to move in with my father again. I am lucky he even allowed me to move in, because he was well aware of my habit but I lied to him and told him that I was clean before I moved in, however the same night I moved back in I remember shooting at least a bundle beforehand so my habit was still very much in full swing.
I was 21 by the time I moved there, and was lying to everyone telling them I was clean, but was still stealing from everyone in my family and my girlfriend and somehow getting away with it. I don’t know if I was really getting away with it or if everyone was just turning the blind eye to everything that went missing. Maybe they wanted to believe so bad that I was actually clean that they did not want to accuse me of stealing from them. It wasn’t until I was arrested for a second time that they knew that I was in fact lying to them and still a full pledged junkie. After I was released after spending a night in a holding cell with my two junkie buddies, I was faced with an ultimatum. That being I either go to rehab, or that’s it. My girlfriend would leave me, my dad would not allow me back in the house, & my mother would basically disown me. In order to please them, of course, I went to detox, and I left the same day by calling my girlfriend after discharging myself and told her that they kicked me out. Luckily my father let me back in the house, and I somehow convinced everyone that under lock & key I would get clean myself. Do you think that happened? Come on, now. I never wanted to get clean in the first place, I was just trying to make everyone happy.
So, anything come as a surprise to you yet? If you know anything about drug addiction I doubt any of this surprised you, but the best is yet to come. In my next entry, I will tell you how my habit lead to my homelessness and much much more.
Until next time, Legz is out!
So I will begin there. Pickle and I started off using together. The first set of bags we got were stamped “Dead End” and I find that to be kind of ironic, because that’s exactly what heroin is–a dead end. Once you start using heroin you know there is no where to go but down. Well, you might not realize that immediately but your eyes will soon be opened to that.
I started out how everyone else starts, by snorting it. At first it was lovely. A bundle (10 bags) would last me about a week or at least 5 days. I could snort one bag and be nodding and be right nearly all day. I was probably about to turn 19 or already 19 when I started snorting it, and like any other drug I tried, it was fun and social at first. My friends and I would all throw money together and get a bunch of skag and just blow lines until we were too stoned to do so anymore, but unlike most other drugs, this honeymoon period did not last long. I’d say it was fun for about 6 months or so, while I was still in denial about having a habit. I met KB at this time too. I made it clear to her that I have always been a drug user, and let it be known that I was dabbling with heroin but again, I denied I had any kind of addiction to the stuff. Our relationship took off and was great at first, but it didn’t last long, yet she still stayed with me. I don’t know why, but I am guessing that she thought that I would eventually stop. As bad as I wanted to, my love for her was not strong enough to stop me from doing the drug. As sad as that sounds, it is the honest truth. I remember a countless number of times where she would ask me if I would choose her or my other girlfriend, heroin, and I would try to be honest when I would tell her that I would never choose a drug over her, but I think she even knew that I was lying. She knew I needed my fix to do anything, like get out of bed to take a shower, brush my teeth, go to work, or anything for that matter. If she wanted me to take her out, she knew I needed to be high to do so. It was a horrible one sided relationship and I wish I would have been more dedicated to getting clean back then, but still, I can’t say I regret where my addiction left me. My life right now is awesome, and I have more knowledge about the horrors of drug addiction than I would have if I never would have done the things I did.
Okay I got a little sidetracked there, but back to the story. I stuck to snorting for the first year or so of my addiction. I watched my habit go from snorting 1 bag to get right to breaking open 5 bags at a time just to get where 1 bag used to take me. Does that make sense? To any junkie it will, I am sure of that. During this year, all the friends that I was using with grew distant, as did all my friends who watched from the sidelines as I became a nasty heroin addict. I can’t say I blame them either because it’s a disgusting road to go down. So anyway, snorting began to get expensive, so one day a friend of mine, we’ll refer to him as Dom. He told me he was had a doctor’s appointment and he was going to try to get a needle or two because his habit was also leading in that direction. I told him to get me one, but of course I told him I probably wouldn’t use it. Ha! As soon as he got back I had him tie me off and inject me with 1 bag and the instant warm sensation that came over me blew me away. I instantly knew I was in trouble, that I had not even seen a thing yet, and I was right. From that day on snorting was not an option, and shooting heroin directly into my bloodstream was the only way to go. I told myself I would never do this when I started doing heroin, but then when I was doing painkillers I also told myself I would never do heroin either. It’s crazy what addiction will do to our morals and standards.
Now I was still 19 when I started shooting, and it seems like my habit just began the first day I picked up that needle. The withdrawals were 10x worse compared to when I was snorting, and now I knew I had a problem. KB was still with me and I remember how terrified and ashamed she was when she first noticed a trackmark on my arm. I, of course, assured her there was nothing to worry about and that by administering the drug this way I would be saving money and therefore would be able to take her out more. Ha! Yeah, like that happened. Any penny that I owned went towards dope, and nearly every penny that she made also went there.
I was an absolute junkie by the time I was 20, and I was living with my grandmother at this point. I started robbing from her around this time too, that is, after I ran up all my credit cards and sold everything that I owned. I guess she was used to this because like I said, her son, Scum, was a junkie too, so throughout his childhood I am sure that she lost tons of money to his habit. After about a year of pawning, losing jobs, using people I love, and stealing from my grandmother, she had enough and gave me the boot. I had no choice but to move in with my father again. I am lucky he even allowed me to move in, because he was well aware of my habit but I lied to him and told him that I was clean before I moved in, however the same night I moved back in I remember shooting at least a bundle beforehand so my habit was still very much in full swing.
I was 21 by the time I moved there, and was lying to everyone telling them I was clean, but was still stealing from everyone in my family and my girlfriend and somehow getting away with it. I don’t know if I was really getting away with it or if everyone was just turning the blind eye to everything that went missing. Maybe they wanted to believe so bad that I was actually clean that they did not want to accuse me of stealing from them. It wasn’t until I was arrested for a second time that they knew that I was in fact lying to them and still a full pledged junkie. After I was released after spending a night in a holding cell with my two junkie buddies, I was faced with an ultimatum. That being I either go to rehab, or that’s it. My girlfriend would leave me, my dad would not allow me back in the house, & my mother would basically disown me. In order to please them, of course, I went to detox, and I left the same day by calling my girlfriend after discharging myself and told her that they kicked me out. Luckily my father let me back in the house, and I somehow convinced everyone that under lock & key I would get clean myself. Do you think that happened? Come on, now. I never wanted to get clean in the first place, I was just trying to make everyone happy.
So, anything come as a surprise to you yet? If you know anything about drug addiction I doubt any of this surprised you, but the best is yet to come. In my next entry, I will tell you how my habit lead to my homelessness and much much more.
Until next time, Legz is out!