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I feel like a tsunami passed through my life
There is so much damage and hurt to be fixed
I'm still swimming, not yet sinking but it feels like it
Its all damaged now
the purity is gone
like a broken glass even when put together
it will still show its broken parts
it can never be the same and that hurts
but I'm still here, fighting not to sink
but the waters are so cold and uninviting
I'm so tired but there is still so much to be done
Sometimes I don't see a point in going on
and sometimes there is some hope shining through
Will I ever get to where I want to be?
Do I even know what it is?
It seems like everyday I wake up
and discover a little more coldness in the world
so much selfishness
and hatred towards people who are different
but we are all the same, all the same
why fight when we can all accept each other
and help those in need
each day I wake up to this world that I can't comprehend
I can't understand all the hatred and greed
we are all equal, we are all human
there is no reason to enslave others
but it happens everywhere
people own others like they are a commodity
but they are all people with feelings and needs
we are not machines
we could all have it so good
and only take what we need and no more
but some want more than they deserve
and feel entitled to enslaving others for their own needs and wants
and using their power to limit the lives of others
putting them to jail for their own choices which hurt no one
this is how America works
Americans are good people and hard workers
they get taken advantage of everyday
their rights are limited and limited until freedom will be a word everyone will forget
but we are so isolated and scared that nothing can be done
we can all love and support each other
this is our world, not somebody's who claims its theirs
No one has to hurt
I hope things will change for the better
Violence is never the answer
it might be good for a little while but it gets passed on
if we practiced love then that would get passed on to the new generation
even if u help one person in need u r the change
love can come from our hearts
we can give to others, to those who need it
we are all just the same, just the same
equal with very slight differences
I know I'm talking about something that will probably never happen
but I have hope and it will never die as long as I live
I can only do my part, help a stranger or friend in need
That's all I can do and that's what I was born to do
Love is what makes us human
violence creates chaos
is that all we can do, just do the best for ourselves and let the other people starve cuz they are different
I will be the change

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Thank you

When I was little I seemed so big
I was the center of the universe
everything was so new and interesting
Then I slowly grew up and realized my littleness
How small I am compared to everything else
So insignificant the way I am
and I wonder if I should even exist
things used to be so simple and I felt free
I felt hope that it will all be alright
Now I'm slowly losing hope, losing myself
in my own insignicance
I'm trying so hard to fight for myself
to get back to the days where I felt hope
where things seemed good
I hope there will be better days
I;m trying to be patient and think of the better days
I know they will come but now it all seems so dark
I feel like a prisoner in my own head
Where did my hope go and when will it come back
I used to be so strong and fought so hard
Now I;m just a shadow of what I used to be
Don't know who I am any more
but just know that who I am is not good enough
I'm too weak to fight anymore but I don't want to give up
I hate my dark days, they are so deeply painful
tears just come on their own and don't stop
I'm just waiting but not sure for what

i'm so fucking disgustingly depressed. i've had enough of it. something has got to change. but i don't know what.

I never should have left community college. I had a 4.0 after my first year and transfered out early because my gf at the time was at the local major university. Moved into an over loaded school where the professors barely speak english and you can't even find a seat the first couple weeks of class because the 450 student hall is over booked.

Then the tumor had to come at the worse time possible and fuck up my second year there.

And the never ending drama. The slit wrists and broken hearts. Dropped from a 3.86 to a 3.1 in months. Gave up after the first month or so, it was too late. I thought. Ended up passing almost everything without trying. Didn't think that was going to happen. Got an F though, first one. Those thoughts of aborting the self get easier to deflect every year. fuck it.

In the 2 years that I've been addicted to hard drugs, I've been lucky not to get in trouble with the law. My record has remained totally spotless. Unfortunately my luck ran out yesterday morning as I was driving home from my girlfriend's place... I had a seizure behind the wheel (probably caused by sleep deprivation, methamphetamine, and benzo withdrawals) and crashed my car. All I remember is waking up in an ambulance with a number of police cars around me.

Apparently they searched my car, and found the remains of a bag of methamphetamine (containing less than a point) and a glass pipe. A blood sample was also taken from me while I was at the hospital, which I know will be positive for meth and benzodiazepines. So all of a sudden, I've gone from having a spotless record to facing multiple charges! Possession of a Class A substance, possession of a drug utensil, and driving while impaired. I'm back at home now, expecting a court summons to be delivered soon. So much for a merry Christmas, huh?

So I pull into the clinic today @ about 7:30am (Tues.) and hop out... a large(r) black woman with a monroe piercing is walking up to the door of the clinic in sync with me. She remarks as I am stepping out of my car and closing the door, "oh thats a cute little car" and I turn around to say 'Thank You' as I am still walking to the door. Its cold outside and I don't ever make small talk with people at the clinic. There are some shady characters there! This woman was so far from shady it was a joke, BUT - its the principle. I come to get my dose and leave. 5-10 mins total time spent there as long as the line isnt long...

Anyways I got off topic - As i'm climbing the stairs still in sync with this nice black woman - she says "what are you doing taking methadone? you look so young!" and before I could even answer she says, "you were doin' them oxies weren't you?". I almost wanted to laugh at the stereotype - white kids = OXY, poor people/blacks = DOPE - which couldn't be farther from the truth, esp. with me but not wanting to come off rude I turned to her and said, "i did everything, shit I was banging dope a year ago". Her mouth dropped, and as we make our way to the door she finishes with "DAYUM child how old you is"? "You were hanging with them boys on the block?"

"no, i'm 23" i said.

*door opens to the clinic*

the end.

ps - its hard getting respect and taken seriously at the clinic, and most of life - when your 23 and look 16. its also hard to get my dose raised, or anything else because people automatically take one look at me and say well he looks young so he probably never had a bad habit - which couldn't be farther from the truth! ugh. profiling and stereotypes suck, and fitting into the physical descriptions are even more demeaning. blah.

bored as hell in this place.

If any of my Toronto friends want to hang, gimme a shout on my cell.

how do you post on fourms here?

Blogs is French for journals.

you will end up with a fucked up face...

Id show pictures but its too embarrassing and sad that i ruined my beautiful complexion.



Yes mud masks are relaxing, just DONT FALL ASLEEP WITH ONE ON!

heed my warning.

This is just a story that I'm working on. I don't know if I'll get in a state I was in to be able to finish it. We will see. It is kinda based on my personal experience as well as things I have heard people say here...


Chapter 1

I jiggle my key, finally getting the rusty lock to turn and the door creeks open. Kneeling by my hotplate next to the door I grab my rusty pan and pour in the water, then add my ramen noodles. Sitting on the cold bare floor I dream about how wonderful it would be never to eat these damn things again. Becomes just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, but then again I'm sure it is easier to be more charming when your not all tweeked out.

I hate this shot so much more now that I'm eating once every 3 or 4 days. I can never tell anymore, there are no days and nights when you never sleep. When you can't get your fix and you do sleep there is no way of telling for how long. If the other ice girls turning tricks mention missing talking to you, then you know it has been a few days.

I know I've been sleeping a lot recently. But personally I'd rather be asleep than deal with withdrawals. Ha and I thought comedowns were bad. It doesn't even compare. Nothing makes you suicidal faster. But... the bugs kinda scared me. I had heard of it happening, but never me. Isn't that the truth always other people, not me, never me. What a crock of shit.

Speaking of shit, I found a mirror the other day. My eyes are a bit sunken in and I'm not sure the last time I got a decent shower. How I'm able to turn tricks at all is a mystery to me. Maybe the make-up I got from trying to cut back helps. Takes awhile to get the money but I guess you have to spend a little to make a little. Isn't that the shit hole we live in. You never win and you are just fooling yourself to even think that you can.

Fuck! Damn water is boiling over! First it doesn't heat and I have to eat semi-crunchy noodles and now its too hot, wasting my both. That is the best part. It warms your insides a bit, which is nice now that it is getting colder. But anything is better than snow. I can't stand it! Just trying to walk on ice in heels is hard enough, not to mention turning them gray with all the dirty snow and slush. And your ass is so cold that you can't tell if the guy is even touching you, but getting a regular hurts kinda. Just awhile before their body feels like hot plates against your skin. Funny how the white snow at first seems so white and clean and ten turns everything so filthy.

I could go on about us being like the uncorrupted new snow when we are born and then some of us turn out lives dirty. But that is just stupid. We just have to face the fact that some of us are just born fucked up. "Oh poor me, I never thought I would end up like this." I knew it was a possibility. It took, what, 2 months for this shit to get so bad that the comesdown would ache and make me want to pull my hair out. I kinda got to laugh at myself when I lost my last jobs. Getting all spun out and being completely swallowed in a task. 10 minutes late to work, ok just a few more things I got to finish and then I'll go. The time is just gone and it's been 5 hours . I guess they get sick of it after awhile.

Now my work can't fire me. I have a few people I have to report to. But I'm not going there, not after last night. You know who never misses you, your dealer. Your just another food stamp when there is this many shards around. I was lucky Angel shared a little with me today. I guess she needs someone to talk about nothing when the cops are out and business is slower. I don't know what she was going on about. Something about James being Gabriel and Eric being the devil. We skip around a lot. Besides no one is an angel around here.

The little I scrapped out of the bag when she sat it down, stupid of her by the way, is burning a hole in my pocket. But at least I have some. I already smoked the last out of the stem. Just watch, I'll drop my pipe on day when I'm too spun out to hold onto anything. Smells better in here. Between the chemical smell coming off me and saturating the room it had gotten hard to breathe in here at times. I just kept telling myself that it wasn't the crystal burning my lungs. Nothing like battery acid in the morning.

The steam of the pan feels good on my face, my eyes get kinda dry when I'm high. I wonder how long my eyes have been jumping around the floors on the strip of unpeeled wallpaper. Hard to believe this place once had wallpaper. Amps, entertaining people with stupid shit since...Hitler.

Fuck, it would be so nice to have some H when I come off this, at least you can pass out a bit. But who has the money for both? Shit! Lost again and not rolling this glass fast enough. Sometimes I can't focus enough when I'm high to keep myself that way.

It's hard to like being high when you know that when coming down my whole body will feel like it's dying. I have no idea how I went so long 6 months ago, which seems only like a disaster packed into 2 weeks. But I suppose this is my place in the world. Like it or leave it. More like scape by or don't. If I could just count the times I have heard the same shit over and over. If only they would shut up. I don't fucking care! But asking a "crackhead" to shut up is like asking them to stop breathing air. The silent gasp and then it starts again.

Nice of the one guy today not ripping my legs off with my underwear. Letting me take them off like he wasn't paying for his time.

Uh, great the chemical smell is back. On the blankets, if you could call these blankets. My favorite is the greenish one with the floors. It doesn't have any holes in it to annoy me. But maybe I should go back and shit my ass on the cold floor. At least until my butt it numb. The hotplate warms it up a bit over there, It would be easier if I didn't have this stupid fire phobia.

I amuse myself with how fast I get to the other side of the room. High or cold, it's full tilt or nothing. But... I should really find a clock and see if it's late enough to go back out. After 2 is prime time.

BRUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH



...




GAAAAAAAaaaaAAUuuUUUGGGGHHhhHH!!!


















AAAAaaaAAAAAGHDGHGDDGEGYDG!!!





























AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaUUuuuuuuUuUUUUGggHHH!

Chapter 2

I don't remember the last time I read something other than street signs or a phone book map to figure out where the hell I ended up. But who can read books anyway. It's strange to miss something like reading or writing. I wonder ig I'm too tweeked to stand still very long tonight. I wonder where "Gabriel" is, perhaps he found enough money to stay some place. I don't know how they do it sometimes. I'd rather date than get my ass beat stealing shit. Or at least get my ass beat less.

10 till 1:00, good enough. Maybe it will be just Angel and me on this street. The last thing I need is some new little bitch trying to get my dates. They just piss and moan about how bad things are when they have no idea of what bad is. They usually have bigger tits than I do, a little more meat to them. Although I'm still better than some. They take too long talking and shit to the Johns. I can turn double the tricks in the same time. The guys are all the same, as soon as they get off they are done for. They want you gone as soon as they get what they are after. I hate when they want you to stick around and expect you to listen to their sob stories. Fuck, if you got money to pay me you ain't that bad off. Always the same story too, about unhappiness and broken hearts. There is no such thing as happiness anyway.

"Candy!" a voice calls out to me. I turn around knowing the voice. "Hi Angel", I reply flatly. "Hows business?" "Oh ok. Look!" as she flashes her hot pink nails at me. "Where'd that come from?" "Walgreens on 2nd." "Cutting back are we?", I joke. "No." she laughs, "not even if I wanted to...and I don't." It just means a 5 finger discount. For us, small theft is just as regular as going to the store and paying for stuff is to "normal" people. "I can do yours too. I'm really good." "Ok." as I sit down on the steps of the empty store front. I like working here, no one to chase you off because you are making the place "look bad". "I'd do a better job if I wasn't shivering but maybe this way you won't smudge it." "It is November.", I reply pulling my skirt down as far as I can. I would be nice to have some pantyhose, but they never last long.

"Hi girls." Muffy says as she struts up to us. I actually forget what her name is, so I just call her Muffy cause she is a kept girl. Her pimp will buy her stuff, granted she puts out whenever he feels like it. I suppose that is the case today as she snuggles into her blue satin top to be sure we notice it. I'm guessing it came from the nice thrift shop over on Clark. I bet she could afford 3 pairs of pantyhose. "Ooo, nail polish, but I like mine better anyway." as she looks at her long purple nails. "Where are you working tonight anyway?" I say ignoring her usual bullshit, it wasn't that long aso that she was a girl just like us. Her face changes from a smile to a look of annoyance likely cause I refuse to mention how she looks. "The gas station 6 blocks down." she replies. Good, I don't have to deal with her self-righteous shit. She does ice just like the rest of us. Other than Jamie, her thing is smack. I don't know how she can make money when she is out cold all the time, eyes in the back of her head and what not. At least I can stay up all the time and work. "Great." Angel says with disgust as the lamp post light switches off above us. You obviously can't make money when no one can see what you are selling.

We stand up to move as Muffy follows us. Perhaps hoping she could get us to talk about her some more. I stop under the nearest lit light and give her a cold blank stare. She takes out a cigarette and lights it. She hold it near her face, wrist bent like she thinks she is some kind of movie star or something. I roll my eyes without even thinking about it. "I'll see you girls later." she says as she turns around and walks like she is the hottest thing on the block. Some days I could just push her in front of traffic.

Today is the four month mark of being clean from drugs and alcohol. I still smoke cigarettes and I still drink caffeine.

It seems like a lifetime as opposed to 120 days. In the last four months I have:

1) Been to rehab
2) Been in two relationships
3) Gained some muscle (and tone)
4) Practiced a somewhat rigorous healthy eating pattern
5) Been to over 110 12 step meetings
6) Registered for a 3 month course to become an EMT (class starts soon!)

I'm learning a lot about myself and, check this out, I'm feelin' pretty good about myself. I'm changing and learning.

Life isn't chaotic anymore. I used to thrive on the chaos now I'm generally at peace.

I wonder what the next four months will bring...

So I’ve made it through another weekend without ice. I was worried about Jaz’s party, because I knew there would be drugs around. Also, I couldn’t help thinking about her party last year, when I was still smoking… It’s silly, but I kept remembering what I did on this day last year, how I’d picked up the shards and couldn’t wait to get home, so I puffed in the McDonalds bathroom, and the rush… They were good, real good. I was so high at her party, high and happy, and confident… I was saying the right things. I felt comfortable, and that’s it, isn’t it. Just feeling right and comfortable, and it’s such a relief, and why I’m so drawn to this drug. Afterwards, Jaz told me her friends thought I was a cool chick to party with, and that really is, at the bottom of it all, such a fucking sad thing for me to hear, because that’s not me, it’s the drug, and I truly believe that the real me that I hide with the drug, is not a cool chick to party with.

So that was on my mind when I went this weekend and I felt so…disappointed that I wouldn’t live up to that straight. I’ve been off for 2 weeks now and I still feel awkward and shy and weird – ice seems to do that to me when I use it a lot, somehow it seems to make my personality fade. I feel like I’m less engaged with the world, disconnected maybe, and just hardly here. Geri says it too, that when I’m doing a lot of drugs she’ll talk to me and feel like she’s talking to no one.

Also, I’m still so sleepy, and though her friends are cool, I just couldn’t be fucked , and I felt apathetic, like I’d rather just be home alone. I took half a pill and waited and waited but it didn’t really kick in, and then I convinced Mick that we should go to the city. So we got a taxi, and I did feel bad that I’d left Jaz and her party, because I seem to do that a lot, leave good people to do silly things. And to cut a long story short, the night culminated with me losing $250 playing poker and spending today feeling hungover and anxious and depressed and all those good things.

I wished death on my bestfriend, my lover, my world. I wished death on the man that helped create our wonderful son, I wished it just one month ago. Two days ago we find out he has prostate cancer, possible chrosis of the liver, hole the size of a loonie in his lung, other lung is filling up with fluid. Multi-Organ failure and cancer makes him inelible for organ donation.
We met 5yrs ago on April 30th. We started dating just the following month on May 25th, we have so much in common and we are so alike. He treats me like a princess and yes we have our fights. We broke up for a bit, and I did some stupid shit, now we are trying to work our relationship out and we realize we love each other dearly and miss what we had, we missed our close quirky friendship that was totally lulz and rad and the love we had/have is so strong a tsnuami couldn't part it.

this song holds so true in so many ways about us... I think of it as our song.... he's MY Gerry...... my blue eyes Irishman who is dying on me that one day I will die a little inside and have to move on. Somehow, someway.....

You and Me..... The Galway Girl....

One day we'll meet at The Derg Inn baby, one day we will.

P.S. I Love You Galway Girl http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhl21...eature=related

Well I took a stroll on the old wild walk
On the day -I-ay-I-ay-ay
I met a little girl and we stopped to talk
On a fine soft day -I-ay
And I ask you friends, what's a fella to do
if her hair was black and her eyes were blue
And I knew right then I'd be takin' a whirl
Down the Salthill Prom with a Galway girl

We were halfway there when the rain came down
On a day -I-ay-I-ay-ay
And she asked me up to her flat downtown
On a fine soft day -I-ay
And I ask you friend, what's a fella to do
if her hair was black and her eyes were blue
So I took her hand and I gave it a twirl
then I lost my heart to a Galway girl

When I woke up I was all alone on the day i-ay i-ay-ay
With a broken heart and a ticket home on the fine soft day i-ay
And I ask you now,tell me what would you do
If her hair was black and her eyes were blue
I've travelled around I've been all over this world
Boys I've never seen nothin' like a Galway girl

Click to expand...

I'm sorry I lost your jacket, though you did lose it to me the second it was on my back. lol

I Love you Til The End http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2t8S82lTvkU

Life went on and as impossible as it seemed we started to wake up n see life, life like it really is, not thru the filter of heroin, graying out everything good besides itself and making every plan except the one to go cop seem pointless. This was was we had been waitin for, in a way, maybe we hadnt known it but now that shit was settled, that the days followed a smooth but comfortable track without sudden switches or gettin straight up derailed every other minute, it felt like the relief of surrendering in a game you just too tired to play anymore and stopped carin about winnin a long time ago. it wasnt perfect but it was somethin at least, right? We got used to the idea that this was it now, that this was how we would be, for a long time comin. We almost felt like this was real enough that we could keep on doin it, really give it a try.....But we knew the things that always lie in the back of our mind, our heart...

So now we go thru the motions with the rest of the world, learning all over again how it works, jobs, bank accounts, family holidays, college, cars we can afford to maintain and not just leave for dead when they break down cuz all our moneys reserved for one thing. We manage pretty good and we like it all right. we remember the days where everything that mattered could be counted in minutes, dollars, and the amount of phone numbers that could get us a bag and we feel....somethin, part wishin for the past and part gratitude that we got a break from all that cuz lord knows we needed it but woulda never been able to take it if it had been up to only us. Life is OK. It aint never gonna be perfect, but maybe theres somethin to this feeling that maybe there could be somethin positive around the corner for once.

But, deep inside us, like a candle that never goes out, we wait. We wait for that day 2 years down the road when this probation, parole, rehab classes end. for when we get our money right, fines paid, license back, counselors and cops and family and PO's off our asses, and suddenly own our own bodies again...

It aint that we want to go back to doin things the hard way, aint that we want to live like that...just that you never forget the ones you really loved, n dope aint no exception.

We wait for that visit from a far away friend, knowin its gonna come someday. And it aint the stressful, anxious, desperate wait that we got all too familiar with in our diesel daze. Its just a warm, happy, small feeling in our chest, one that belongs only to us, the knowledge that we have spent our whole lives to learn how to do this, and that we are ready. to wait , and wait, -- that no wait is too long, too much of a challenge, that we are made for this, to wait supreme, everlasting and never slip.

Like the quiet blue black winter dawn waits for the first beam of dark red sunlight to silently creep over the snow and slowly wash over morning, we are so patient. We wait with a private smile kept to ourselves, a pure, burning knowing of the facts in our soul that cant be cooled, a quiet fire whose only fuel is how completely certain we are of ourselves and the wait we keep like a vigil at the bedside of somebody we just aint gonna let die. We are waiting for you to come home, always leave the light on, and we know you gonna be there, if it takes a month, if it takes a year , we will be here.

Our whole life has prepared us for this and our patience will never end. We can out last you all, every last one of yall. you dont even know how we can wait, you could never be a match to us with your sentences and threats and how many days clean key chains and pisses in a cup, your authority can only go so far and last so long, and we gonna wait. You didnt think i had it in me, we say, but wat the hell do they know. We capable of things that people would never believe, and most of em never gonna find out.

And while we keep goin, working thru the days as we build on our goal little by little, the beauty is that it wont be now, but for once thats OK. It only makes us stronger, to know that it will be a long time comin so it dont matter because just knowin, just havin that ember glowing in our chest, reminding us that with every breath, hour, day , week, month, and year, the day grows closer--and that time will ,and does , go on n if theres one thing in the world we can count on , time is it...it puts the glow of sainthood on our tired junkie faces, closed eyes turned up towards the sky, lips slightly curvin with the virgin mary's transcendant half-smile of beautiful suffering, of enduring this worldly pain while knowin the thing we wait for will be more glorious than anyone on earth could imagine.

we know that we can do anything we set our mind to, we magicians and alchemists turnin shit to sugar and makin somethin from nothin, and we got it in us to keep it goin one more time. and that divine confidence, the complete sureness you bet with when you got a hand full of spades, aces, and all four jokers in a game of Spades....because we can be so certain, so absolutly positive, that we finally got one thing we know we can count on, it holds us. keeps us warm til we make it back home, til our waiting brings us to that final prize that we knew would always be there if only we could hold on long enough.

whenever life with the rest of the world gets rough all we need is to take a quick peek into the room in our mind where we store the dream, just think to ourselves about the truth that only we know, and let it comfort us til our resolve comes back. If we keep the faith, the hope that we cling to will be ours someday as long as we wait.

And I got all the time in the world, and I aint gonna stop, and when the timings right and the moment comes it will all be worth it, back to square one, the beginning but better this time, loose ends tied, older and wiser and ready to slip back into that old feeling like I never left and meet with that sweet oblivion again, and the joke will be on them cause I made it , I waited it thru, got back the thing I lost, and its all mine again forever.

We are here today but we pray for tomorrow, for the day we get reunited at last after all this time. Iit aint no lie when they say true love waits.

20/12/05 - YET ANOTHER HORSE TRIAL THAT WENT BY IN A HAZE
Lapsing is so painful. Now I wish I hadn't given in
and - you guessed it, Diary - gone to see Baggsy.
I told him what was going on for me and he offered to hit me up and even offered me some heroin as well (to really boost the confidence).
I got a generous pipeload sizzling - the crystals were insanely fine-cut and barely needed encouragement to burn smooth and fast. It was probably about 3 points but after 8 days amphetamine-free it was like a smack in the head and I was back-up-there and happy as larry. So happy I sat down with Baggsy and had a big fucking rah-rah with him, and was so tweaked I actually understood the old loon. Had a bit of a heart-to-heart.
He had a mushroom overdose apparently, back in the 70's, and somehow never came right so he spent years in a mental hospital. Diagnosed schizophrenic, put on anti-psychs and released, he then became a professional government-supported headcase who made a (fair) bit on the side selling drugs.
I had a taste of the heroin he was offering but it was that nasty black tar shit (the rush was beautiful but fluffing round with all those filters and trying to actually turn the tar into liquid on the spoon, while not losing any of what I'd paid for with my shaking methhead hands made me remember why I prefer buying skag off the Horsemen, since they sell it already drawn up into the barrels!)
Baggsy doesn't even do heroin himself - hell, he says, why waste money on skag when there's things like meth? He does sell it though.
So we sit there swapping drug history, then Joe knocks.
He was there to drop off the meth from the lab and he had plenty. Because I hadn't bummed drugs from him and all our previous debts were cleared he happily gave me a gram and even said I could have it for free.
'Merry Christmas' he said. Thank you Joe.
He gave Baggsy his, like, kilos of meth then grabbed out of his backpack, a spoon, 3 fits, and a syringe, as well as a 10ml container of sterile water, scooped about half a teaspoon of the crystal out of the bag, dumped it on the spoon and mixed it with the water, drawing it up into the syringe, passing us each a fit and grabbing the belt that was holding up his jeans to use as a tourniquet, and putting a third of the mixture up his arm. We each took a turn.
This was some strong shit, or maybe again it was my sudden lack of tolerance. I realised I had to head home before Mum noticed I'd gone, which was sad because I wanted to catch up on Joe but he walked me home anyway and I didn't cause any suspicion until I refused dinner.
When Mum and Liam went to bed I went and made a quick makeshift pipe out of a lightbulb (where the fuck is my pipe?) and spent the rest of the night smoking that gram.
In the morning I was tweaking so hard (wow, tolerance drops fast after detox) and I got Maverick dollied up and perky for the event.
My dressage judge was Celia, who of course knew I was tweaking but would be easily as much of a tweaker as I am - she's a pretty tough judge though. I remember that from when she taught me at Te Atatu Pony Club. Us tweakers have an eye for detail.
When I'm on P my dresage sucks. I get all impatient and Maverick feels it too. He's so sensitive to my moods - and he loves my P mood because it means he usually gets to jump. We got the highest dressage score today - ie. the lowest place after the first crucial phase.
Our show-jumping round was flawless - fast and clean. Unfortunately Lauren didn't see it. She was in the ring next to me in the dressage however and hissed 'fuck you, junkie' as we passed each other, with which I replied 'eat shit and die'. I have a feeling her dressage was flawless. Her show-jumping round certainly was. Someone else schools her horse, I'm sure of it.
Our cross-country round was perfect. I opted for all the short-cuts and got no time faults. Maverick was a handful but jumped without hesitation and even jumped an intermediate practise cross-country jump twice. I could tell he loved it and I loved it too.
It was a shame I gave into my stupid addiction. I could have done that day without P. Now I'm in horrible old methamphetamine comedown mode and I'm achey and miserable and fiending for a hit. I've slept all day today and now I'm feeling too agitated and craving P too much to sleep.
Time to hit up Joe and score some life-giving heroin - this time pre-barreled from the Horsemen. Takeaways, I call the stuff. Hell I trust the Horsemen - I did cook for them and probably will again. They won't fuck me over by giving me shit skag that's going to kill off their best little white working woman...and if they do, who bloody cares?

NB. (btw some of these r fake names/aliases)
BAGGSY - my ex-dealer; dealt P/H/psychedelics on a large scale; also a terrible P addict
HORSEMEN - a local gang of Islanders that mainly deal in drugs/weapons/stolen property
JOE - a son of a prominent gang member and was a gd mate tho i havnt seen him in yrs
LIAM - my 23yo brother (wud hav bn 19 in this entry), the one who supposedly does 'all the right things' (my parents rnt aware how much he luvs MDMA)
MAVERICK - my show-jumper, tho he started off doing eventing, or 'horse trials', which he and i used to compete in while i was fried...the grey Arabian horse in my avatar
CELIA - my first dressage instructor - a methhead whos still after me for apparently stealing her pipe
LAUREN - my major nemesis at horse trials; a rich kid whod had perfect ponies bought for her from age 10, and managed to get me kicked out of Mangere Pony Club for mentioning how I enjoyed smoking pot after a long day, to a haughty woman on the committee (her horse, Pythagoras, isnt half as good a jumper as Maverick, even tho he was taught by pros, Mav was just taught by me...he has natural talent - shit hed bn broken in for a yr or so in that pic in the avatar and check the height/width of that jump...)

rangrz since i know you probably dont read this blog as you care nothing for except your meth pipe and your next bump of MDPV.

Thanks alot for airing shit in public after I've been nothing but nice. On bluelight too. Where I was starting to like. That you asked me to join to join you in posting and TROLLING this place.

You called me a "fling" but you and me know better, I still have the emails and iif your brain isnt swiss cheese from all the drugs youve taken you do also have the memories of proclomations of loving me and "feeling closer" and future plans of fwb hang out and acting all sweet and nice and loving to me.

Then a month ago comes and you treat me like shit. For what? Just asking when we were going to reschedule our plans for "fun".

I took the time to make you a present, even after this, i still kept your gifts.

Now I am sick of being treated like shit, beyond shit for being nothing but nice.

Oh right, this is your sterotypical way of getting rid of friends right?

No wonder K hates you and S would rather get a restraining order against you then be your friend, now I foolishly understand that you want nothing but meth and PV.

If you want to keep living in a life of lies then go ahead.

Stupidly, maybe I am psycho, but I will always call you a friend, cause UNLIKE you, I keep my word. I don;t betray my friends in a pussy and chicken shit way.

You are nothing but a scared little 22yr old boy with a meth pipe, MDPV and an illness that causes you to have dillusions of grandeu.

When you decide to grow up and be nice again, take your meds and be "sane" again.

You know my number. My Email, Where I even Live.

I still love you and miss you as a friend and more.

I keep my word, I dont lie and backstab and betray FRIENDS.

I will be flinging your gift to your door at your house, they will have your name on it, just in case you perhaps are telling the truth and are not living there anymore.

Keep it or not, at least look at what I got you instead of just dumping it out. If you dont want it, i would appreciate if you mail it back/or even just put it in my mail box/leave it at my door - upstairs- with my name on it.


see you around, perhaps, someday.


merry x-mas and happy new year.



I dont know if i'll ever come back again, when i just came here to hang with a friend for the lulz and make some new friends.

I might come back once in awhile. Who knows.

Its been nice knowing all you people. Thanks sweet_p and her girl for the advice and kind words, i hope we get to talk on MSN :D you are very cool people, along with some others.

Merry X-Mas All.

I missed this feeling so much. I know I can't afford to do it daily again though, which is a really good thing.

But god DAMN I missed this!

Hey everyone,
Well I've been in some pretty fucking rough shape. My drinking was killing me, bottle by bottle, and I never headed the warnings before hand.
Anyways a few days ago (tuesday) I went to a homeless shelter, I will call it "The Sally".
Well I get there and it's like my fucking first day of kindergarden all over again, lol. I didn't know anyone, and I thought that everyone had a gun or a knife on them. Well that really wasn't the case. A lot of the people there are just shit outa luck, and have no family, no home, nothing.
It's sad, but I'm right there with them. ya kno?
Ok so I get signed in, and met a nice dude, a older gentlemen that's been living in bham for the past 6 months, sleeping at UAB hospital n shit waiting for his ole lady to recover from something.
He had a one year chip in his pocket, (iu told him that i was in recovery). He told me that he is still sober from booze. I didn't belive him, but shit it still was cool seeing one of "my kind" in the shelter.
Well I was given a towel, a little bar of soap, and 2 ketchup packet sizes of body soap/shampoo.

I go take a shower, and funny, I'm not longer "penis-shy" after that night. I really don't give a fuck anymore lol, I guess thats why the old men at the YMCA walk around nude 24/7 haha, Yeah so I dropped the soap like a dozen times and everyone was laughing at me, cant hold on to that shit to save your life.
After the shower I went turned n my towel n washcloth in for some bed lennon.
All the beds are gunk beds, and are letterd like A, AA, B, BB, etc.
The bed was like one of those things u lay on in the pool with a build in pillow, uncomfortable as fuck but you know I was actully happy that night.

The food sucked, lol better than nothing right? I had a piece of cornbread, some mac n cheese, some baked beans and 2 pieces of mystery meat. I belive some of it was like a huge chunk of fat (like the white shit on raw bacon), and a triangle shape of meat, lol? hahahah, i'm still alive so it cant be all that bad.
I couldnt sleep wortha damn that night b/c HOLY FUCK do people snore, like shit I know some of these cats in herre been smoking crack since the 80's and holy shit yo it was like someone dragging furniture across hardwood floor.
-----------------------------------
The other day:
Woke up groggy as fuck at 5:00am, and signed up to go to the "fellowship" house here in bham.
Everyone piled up on the sally buss, and off we went.
If no ones ever been to Birmingham it's like a scaled down New York. All kinds of shit to do, and theres a cool place in town called 5-points, and theres live music, bars n clubs.
So we get to FSH and ate breakfast. Well it's fucking cold as fuck outside, and all i had was a indipendent hoody and some gloves. So guess what we had for bfast? my worst enemy, syurp lol. well it's just I fucking spilt all that shit on myself without noticeing it and man fuck but it was alright, i just splashed water oon my self and said I piss'd my self, and since I'm homeless people belived me lol, naw It got all up in my hoody pocket and got all on the inside of my glove, and that shits uncomfortable putting on a glove and your fingers hit that sticky syurp shit lol. speed bumps id reckon for puttn em on so fast.
Later in the day after i cleaned up, we had class, like at 7:30am, and the councler talked about Pride, and how its the worst emotion becuase we fuck up on it all the time. along with humilty. I wrote down everything he said, so I can look over it later, he explained it cool.
Lunch sucked, balongi sanwich and a bag of lays potatoe chips. lol, diudn't stay 4 diner b.c we all ahd to be back at 3:00, so also the van doesn't pick us up so we gotta find rides, luckly there is a trolly thing here so it only costs a quarter, so we hopped on that. rode it back to the sally.
got there signd in, got a bed, and we had fried chicken that night, and that shit WAS BOMB yo, like forreal. better than KFC, serously that 80somethn yr old lady workn in there must have some family secreat rescipie.
Oh so durning break at FSH I walked to CVS and bought some ear plugs to keep out those loud ass snores, and they dont work lol . fuck silicone things for sleep.

Also went to my first AA meeting, and picked up a silver chip. It was my older sisters birthday so it felt special. I had 50cents to call her from a pay phone and she was glad to hear that I'm alive :/.
------
Today
Well right now I am washing cloths at the guys house that pickd me up from school and drove me to the sally. went to a meeting this morning, and went n ate breakfast at a place called "courtneys",, pretty good shit yo, i ate a western omlit, hashbrowns, and a cinnamon roll. good shit yo, better than grits and oatmeal.

I'm waiting on a bed at the FSH, and took my health assesment thingy yesterday(says what drugs I did n do and how much i drank n if i crazy or not, lol silly! ) I'm on the waiting list, it may be a day or 2 weeks b4 I get a bed, and till then I'm still goin to be going to the FSH on their (waiting list u wear a necklase thing that saies WAITING LIST ##, ) So hopefully they will see that even tho i'm not in the program they will still see me comen up there 4 treatment, I dobt it tho but its worth a shot.
Going to be up there and around birmingham volunteering at homeless shelters helpin out people.
At this point in my life I just relised that I don't need to be with happy people be happy, I understand that it makes me a hell of a lot happier helping out.
Like today, I cleaned the mens shower, and scrubbed the toliets. Why you may ask?

For the humility. A kid, grown up in a 3 story house, rich parents, BMW's, Benzes, lake houses ETC, takes so much, SO fucking much for granted, and cleaning those tolits, really woke me out of my fucking pitty me, and selfishness.
They know me now at the shelter, as the white boy that wants to do good.
I don't get any extra cornbread for dinner, or a nutty bar, or a extra blanket. I'm just like everyone else, homeless, and is willing to get sober.
If I have to clean toliets my whole life, and be sober doing it? I'll do it.

Well i gotta get back to my washing, love u all. I'll check in soon I hope.

Drew

PS: I cant spell wortha shit so work with me!

im slowly going insane in this house.
living with a man who i no longer love in the way he loves me with a kid thats bound to be the next ted bundy that i slowly find im not giving a fuck about.

leave it all.


leave it all behind.

i would if i had somewhere to go, but i dont and im stuck in this crazy house.

If i could find a place where its only $200-$400/mo i could do it. Nowhere to find that in MY city though

plus all the other crap and stuff going on, how can i not go insane?

falling falling will anyone catch me?