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Yesterday started off with me waking up at the crack of dawn and going to eat pancakes.
The day wasn't all entirely to bad, just a lot of classes.
I was coming off of all the xanax I took and to be honest with you I don't remember what all went on.
I did end up catching a ride to the salvation army to get the rest of my shit, and someone stole my paper bag full of cookies and teddy ghrams.
Talked to my roomate for fucking ever, he's a good guy, knows his shit, sept he won't shut the fuck up.
I'm sure someone can relate to the one guy in rehab that is all cheerful and is all happy as fuck 24.7, so after a while I just rolled over and pass'd out.
Oh yeah also I miss placed my "Wall-Pod"( ghetto wallmart Ipod). It has all my favorite trance music on it, and most of them are german and shit so I can't really google them.
The cold is going around and I've been sick with a cough, runny nose, and sore throat all yesterday, and today.
Luckly before I got here I bought some ear plugs so I wont hear any snoreage while I sleep, and by golly my roomate snores. I could hear him through my ear plugs, so to counter his snores I would exhale everytime he exhaled so I would hear my snore and not his snore, I don't snore but at times I wish I could snore so loud when summoned and give them a piece of their own medicine. Bed time, tommoro is Christmas and here I am.
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Christmas morning, how cool is this, here I am in treatment, and everyone here left to go on pass, and it's just be, and a few other people.
Woke up with a bang on the window at 6:30am, and threw my boots on and went to stand in the never ending medicine line to take my Neurontin.
The shit helps a lot with my nerves and anxiety. Shit I used to take 12 at once to get fucked up, and now I take 1 every 4 hours. I've never taken just one of something if I had more of it. What kind of hardcore herion addict would take one lortab 10 when they are doing up to 5 bags a day and 3 oc 80's?
Anyways I don't know if I mentioned this but a few days ago after buying some cough syurp(for my cold) and a pack of kite rolling tobaco, I sat on a bench and started to roll a smoke when this homeless dude came up to me and ask for one. At first I was like "Fuck off", sept I could see the pain in his eyes, and I havn't seen him at the salvation army so this guy has gotta be sleepn on the streets or at one of the other shelters around here, anyways he ended up giving me 5 10mg lortabs, some traladol(some pain pill?) and 3 other lortab looking pills with that V thats on the pink ones.
I told myself that I'm only taking these for my cough.
Ended up taking them all and going back to the salvation army and bought some oc 5mgs and pop'd those to. It has been a while since I've pop'd any opiates and felt like puking my brains out. So I just layed in my bed at the sally, and listend to music trying to read my book "Eclipse", couldn't fucking read the words so I just said fuck it and passed out.
As for today I'm here alone in my room, writing this sipin coffee. Bought 4 packs of pallmals and a can of camel snus(the sweet fruity kind) had a $2 off cupon for it so spent pretty much all of my $ on nicotine. What else would I fucking spend it on since I cant leave the grounds for 2 weeks?
So by the way this is a 6 month program. The first month is like anyother rehab, and after that they help you find a job, and have to pay 30% for treatment (even tho this treatment center is funded by United Way.)
It's not all that bad... Just Christmas time, and have no one to call. Theres a AA meeting up stairs at 10:00am, so going to that then dunno guess ima go eat a bannana,
merry christmas
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Just got out of a AA speaker meeting here. I tell ya that people got some fucked up stories. The man talked about how his father that was dieng with cancer caught him stealing his pain pills from the safe. He talked about how his dad was in recovery, and when his dad found him all he did was put his hand on his shoulder and said "Son, I hate this for you", and gave him the medicine. His father died 2 weeks later.
I can relate to him, my father is dieng of brain cancer and I stole his pain pills all the time, I never thought about how much pain my father was in, and took his pills. It got me thinking that I should call my father today. I havn't talked to him in a month and last time that I talked to him he was talking about us plaing a trip to gatlinburg and go hiking. (sorry this is emotional to me.) I just tried calling him, and got the disconected line voice.
What if he did pass away? What about that hiking trip he promised me? What the fuck am I susposed to do? That speaker hit a fucking nerve in me and now here I am crying, alone on christmas morning.
I don't know what I will do if my father passed. Why hasn't no one told me (if he did).
If that is the case I'd get my revolver set it on the table, along with a gallon of evan williams and drink while I spin the revolver, clicking it until I'm no longer in pain.
I'm hurting, both on the inside, and on the outside. As much as I want to feel, I don't know what it feels like yet, and people in recovery tell me if I just hang in there another 5 mins that I will feel a little better, and let me tell you that it hurts.

i used to play a bit of golf when i was younger.. 11, 12 years old. people used to tell me i had a real "natural" golf swing. i never really had lessons as a young kid, it was just the way i would swing the club.

being a bit older now, i recently started playing golf again a bit more frequently as i got a new set of clubs a few weeks ago. i've recently had a few games with some decent experienced players, who have given me some tips about my swing.

how ever, it seems the more i learn about the golf swing, the more complicated it has become, and at the same time more difficult, because i am consciously thinking about more techniques etc...

it's a lot like life i guess. it seems some people go through life quite easily and effortless, while others, like me, seem to think and analyse things too much. the more i think about life, the more complicated it becomes, and therefore the harder it is to get through each day.

it seems like some people go through life with very little conscious decisions.. it's like they're so comfortable with themselves and their personality, that their sub conscious runs along on it's own. i on the other hand seem to struggle to just relax, "let my hair down" and be me. maybe because consciously i am not really happy with my personally and "who i am". who i am, being my attitude, my personality, and the thought process that goes through my mind when in most social situations.

i guess the less complicated things are, the easier it is. simple as that.

I have my own blog at http://southofforever.livejournal.com/

where I write my uncensored thoughts and only rule i have to follow is not to harass people or post pictures that are not mine.

So yeah, if you want to check that one out too, feel free too.

Sometimes it gets quite funny. :D

After coming down off shrooms the morning i decided to shoot up some dilaudid. So i preped a 4mg name brand dilaudid for injection and hit it on the first try. It was too easy almost. I had a second shot later on but i couldnt hit a vein in my arm after 2 tries and not wanting to brise it further i shot it into my hand.

The rush was fucking good no doubt about that but certainly not better then sex like ive heard some people say. I also really don't want to make a habit of doing this because i know what it leads too. But after clearing it with the person that means most in my life i figured id have to try it atleast. So that was my early christmas present just for me . The one thing in my life i said id never do but what the hell.

So now i can say ive done every route of administration. I can say ive shot dilaudid and not just snorted it. Hopefully i'll be a smart enough man to just keep the injecting to a minimum.

Hopefully

I am so happy now! I just can`t help enjoying it. Methadone... What a wonderful thing. I love it. And tonight my girl-friend`s coming. That`s so great. I`m missing her so much. Hope to be happier,when she comes. I wish everybody happiness and luck!!!

Hello my fellow Bluelighters!

I just want to update my blog with a message to you all. I'd simply like to wish you all a sincere Happy Holidays! Whether you are currently a slave to a substance, or you're living on the streets, or you're spending the season in a rehab facility or jail, or you're just happy with family and loved ones, whatever your situation, I'd like to wish you a happy holiday!

I'd say Merry Christmas but I want to extend this to everyone and not just those who celebrate Christmas.

Also, I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year! My new year plan consists of 4 hits of liquid acid while my girlfriend has 1/8 of shrooms and we celebrate in our cozy little apartment with one of our roommates and another friend who I believe will also be tripping. Should be a night of laughs and feelings of ecstacy. I can't wait.

Well, I hope everyone has as great a holiday as I plan to. This is the first Christmas that I'm spending with my love and I don't know if you can tell but I am a little giddy and happy

Peace & Love to ALL!

Been fighting for cistody of my daughter and father has been a cocknob, so i sent an email pwning him.

Neighbour threatening my cats and family with bodily harm, almost had my 6 foot hubby kick the shit out of this man who is like 5'3 who was drunk and all talk abut calmed him down. Might have to contact police soon.

Had a RAGE attack and left for 25hrs and stayed at a cheap ass family shelter, will post pathetic pix later of the horrible place.

Been x-mas shopping....baught my daughter a digi cam corder and a $50 gift certificate.

My son got trucks, he loves trucks and Harry Potter new movie.

My husband got a Tim Hortons gift pack and a digi cam.

I dunno what i got, big secret, but apparently cost hundreds =/ lulz


Some of you might not know but I am trained in certian aspects in Drug Addiction Counseling, Law, Paralegal Law (car incidents), Sociology, Psychology, and Anthropology. Iam also somewhat trained in media studies. I hold no degree as I left each study before the end but I am 100% certified in Standard First Aid with AED & CPR Training (Level C) which is meant for people working in the Health Care Field. I am also planning on working in family shelters and have some fiest hand knowledge on them also.

Just so its clear I am knowledgable in the above for further referance and can cite my exact knowledge once I find my transcripts of my Drug Addiction and Community Service Worker knowledge.

Off to more pwnage of daughter's dad. lulz.


Hope you all have a exellent holiday season!

......

Some of you may know my best friend and I have been on the outs....
We got in a fight on Thanksgiving and she moved out-

But today her mother died.
My have been friends with her for 15 years and really did love her mother.
Her mother had problems, alot of them- she was crazy, and made so many choices I hated, but I cared for her deeply.
I am so sad- I feel a deep loss, and I feel so terrible for my friend.......
Her father passed 18 mos. ago-
I just can't believe this..........

I can't grow weed...I dunno, i feel like I did everything I could...I mean, I was VERY overhwlemed in the begining because so many of them sprouted but i thought Id had it under control when all of a sudden they stretched and began to die...so i repotted them thiking maybe they had grown to bog too fast for the cups I had them in while sprouting... So, I transferred them and all but two died...that was like 2 days ago...so now im down to 2, from 24 to 2..holy shit...
so, one of my two decides to whilt and die in the past 2 days, i cant believe it...myabe the seeds i got were just shit, or, maybe im just no damn good...
eh, im really rooting for this last little plant...shes so fragile and i hope she pulls through...

12-23-09

Well what can I say, Ive been homeless since Tuesday of last week, and yeah lemmie tell you, its a fucking wake up call.
waking up at 5:30am every morning, and since i'm so used to sleeping till 5:30pm in the afternoon it's like what the fuck?

The shelter wasn't all that bad, you get there at 3pm, sign in at 3pm, shower, make ur bed, wait till 5:30pm till they serve dinner, after dinner you go smoke, or can go to bed.
Lately i've been reading "Eclipse" from the Twilight series. It's not a bad book.
Anyways I'm finally in treatment, got my room, I Share it with a KKKlan member and he seem's cool from what I saw.
I'm still fucking suprised I'm on the fucking internet lol.
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Well I fucked up, You know how most people want that last fuck up before you go right, well yea I slipped again, me being a fucking dumbass a shot 1mg of a dilaudid and it still had blood in it from a guy I met at the shelter, he told me that he was clean, and didn't have HIV or Hepatitis , still my dumb ass was like "OK SURE WHY FUCKING NOT", I didn't feel fucking shit. So after all that shit I might now have HIV,
You know now, I'm writing this accepting that I have a fucking problem. The craving hit me, and since I have no mental defense my smart thinking got me to put that shit into my vein, and now there's a P size bump where the needle went it.
I'm so fucking worried..
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It is 6:34pm my time, and I oughta been in group, I just felt like sharing my strength and shit with everyone.
I feel pretty low now after sharing a needle with a homeless dude. I don't know ya'l, I'm staying away from the bluelight lounge for a while and sticking with my blogs.
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I have a problem, I need help.
God please grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change the courage to change things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know you hear it all the time at every meeting. It just now hit the nail with me,
wish you all a good night and merry christmas,
I'll see you all later.
-Drew

Strengths
Compassionate
Dependable
Loyal and reliable
Strong - physically as well
as emotionally Dislikes change.


Weaknessess
Stubborn
Sensitive
Aggressive



%) 21st April to 21st May %)

Symbol: The Bull
Ruling Planet: Venus
Quality: Fixed
Element: Earth
Basic Trait: I Have
Closest Metal: Copper
Lucky Day: Friday
Lucky Colors: Pastel Shades
Lucky Gems: Lapis Lazuli and Sapphires
Lucky Flowers: Daffodils and Daisies

Taurus zodiac sign is represented by the symbol of 'The Bull' and just like a bull, a Taurus person is strong and silent. In the first instance, a Taurean comes across as extremely quiet and reserved person. Only after you get close to him will you have a proper conversation, rather than simple monologues. He moves deliberately and is as steady as the 'Rock of Gibraltar'. Once a Taurus has made up his mind, it is impossible to move him even slightly. If you leave him alone, a Taurean will come across as a very easygoing person.

You push him somewhat and he becomes stubborn. Still trying to make him budge, beware of the violent temper. A Taurus person is hardly impulsive and never gets angry without a reason. Infact, he has the perfect control over his emotions. However, when a Taurus does get angry, it is better not to get in the way or you are bound to get trampled. The anger also takes time to come down. He is quite attracted to the opposite sex, but attracting people to himself seems more preferable to him.

One of the typical personality traits of a Taurus is passivity. You can count on him to be there when you need him, but he will never be the one to call on you. At the same time, he will know 'what to do' and 'how to do it'. Worrying, fretting or getting nervous is definitely not one of Taurus characteristics. It is in his nature to be stable and stoic. He takes his decisions slowly, after careful considerations. Taurus people love their home and change upsets them. Don't tell a Taurus that he's stubborn; he'll never believe it. He thinks himself to be patient, not obstinate.

Taureans have this amazing quality of bearing emotional and physical pain, even for years, without grieving or complaining. The more the troubles come pouring in, the stronger he will come out to be. A Taurus is nothing if not loyal and dedicated to his family and friends. He has a good appetite and loves food and drinks. He has a funny bone too; it's just that he prefers broad and slapstick comedy to subtle humor. Taureans are hardly cruel. At the same time, they are seldom broke. Sooner or later, the money will come to them.

A Taurus is not stingy and his pockets, along with his heart, are always open to friends and family. He loves grandeur and he is deeply interested in the various forms of art. Music usually has a very special place in his life. The ideas of a Taurus are always sensible as well as practical. He is not the one to build castles out of air. Synonymous with lasting love, Taurus people are not prone to wandering. They love luxury, but detest waste and extravagance. Last but not the least, they are dependable, strong, patient and trustworthy.


Basically we never give up on friends that we care about and we are very patient but very stubborn. We never give up on anyone or anything. Once you make a friend in us, its for life.

You piss us off, we might retailate in a feirce way, but we stay true to our friends.



Maybe SOME PEOPLE will realize this....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtGF2m102Wg

i hate hate hate spending forced time with my family. i really don't like them for the most part. i can't stand how petty they, how self absorbed they are and how they think family is the greatest thing in the world.

i waste so much money coming back here for the holidays. flying isn't exactly cheap during peak times. then my mother expects that i buy presents for her, my dad, my sister, her boyfriend, my cousin and his gf, my other cousins and a few other people. all these people buy me little crappy things like soap and lotion sets that i don't want. i have told them all that i would rather not exchange presents. but then i am called selfish and a scrooge.

i do buy my husband one nice present each year. my mother is angry that i spend money on him willingly and not on my family. i also buy a few of my close friends bottles of wine or liquor. its nothing big and its not required or expected.

my sister is the same way as my mother. she is angry that i did not literally spend all night with her and her bf last night. we went to dinner and a movie and they went home to bed. i went out.

i swear every time i am back seeing family idiotic fights like this break out. they insult my friends, and get angry that my every waking moment is not dedicated to them.

Travis woke up Saturday morning not knowing his best friend for over ten years was going to die. He wouldn't have any way of knowing unless he could somehow intuit this information from the way his dog looked at him while he brushed his teeth and generally got ready for the day.

No, instead he just went along his regular way of doing things. Cereal and eggs before swishing down his twice-daily protein shake. Then it was to the gym.

Travis was no ordinary weight-lifter. He was emphatic about it, obsessive some would say. Indeed his day would worsen by the minute up until tragedy, but that's beyond what was happening early in the morning.

At the gym, Travis worked out his shoulders, his legs, and ran on the treadmill for about a half an hour. He sweat and strained, listening to Moby and Aphex Twin on his portable mp3 player.

Travis was alone usually. He didn't have the stereotypical "lifting partner," as gay as that sounds. Lifting was a way to get away from things for Travis. In fact, most of his daily routine was a way of getting away from the things in his life he deemed stressful or painful.

Five years earlier, Travis lost his sister to an ugly car accident in Tennessee. He was a skinny, pale kid back then. Easily impressionable and liked by most, though misunderstood, Travis went through life without a care.

I feel like a tsunami passed through my life
There is so much damage and hurt to be fixed
I'm still swimming, not yet sinking but it feels like it
Its all damaged now
the purity is gone
like a broken glass even when put together
it will still show its broken parts
it can never be the same and that hurts
but I'm still here, fighting not to sink
but the waters are so cold and uninviting
I'm so tired but there is still so much to be done
Sometimes I don't see a point in going on
and sometimes there is some hope shining through
Will I ever get to where I want to be?
Do I even know what it is?
It seems like everyday I wake up
and discover a little more coldness in the world
so much selfishness
and hatred towards people who are different
but we are all the same, all the same
why fight when we can all accept each other
and help those in need
each day I wake up to this world that I can't comprehend
I can't understand all the hatred and greed
we are all equal, we are all human
there is no reason to enslave others
but it happens everywhere
people own others like they are a commodity
but they are all people with feelings and needs
we are not machines
we could all have it so good
and only take what we need and no more
but some want more than they deserve
and feel entitled to enslaving others for their own needs and wants
and using their power to limit the lives of others
putting them to jail for their own choices which hurt no one
this is how America works
Americans are good people and hard workers
they get taken advantage of everyday
their rights are limited and limited until freedom will be a word everyone will forget
but we are so isolated and scared that nothing can be done
we can all love and support each other
this is our world, not somebody's who claims its theirs
No one has to hurt
I hope things will change for the better
Violence is never the answer
it might be good for a little while but it gets passed on
if we practiced love then that would get passed on to the new generation
even if u help one person in need u r the change
love can come from our hearts
we can give to others, to those who need it
we are all just the same, just the same
equal with very slight differences
I know I'm talking about something that will probably never happen
but I have hope and it will never die as long as I live
I can only do my part, help a stranger or friend in need
That's all I can do and that's what I was born to do
Love is what makes us human
violence creates chaos
is that all we can do, just do the best for ourselves and let the other people starve cuz they are different
I will be the change

To view my REAL Blog, please go to Bullfrog.110Mb.com

Thank you

When I was little I seemed so big
I was the center of the universe
everything was so new and interesting
Then I slowly grew up and realized my littleness
How small I am compared to everything else
So insignificant the way I am
and I wonder if I should even exist
things used to be so simple and I felt free
I felt hope that it will all be alright
Now I'm slowly losing hope, losing myself
in my own insignicance
I'm trying so hard to fight for myself
to get back to the days where I felt hope
where things seemed good
I hope there will be better days
I;m trying to be patient and think of the better days
I know they will come but now it all seems so dark
I feel like a prisoner in my own head
Where did my hope go and when will it come back
I used to be so strong and fought so hard
Now I;m just a shadow of what I used to be
Don't know who I am any more
but just know that who I am is not good enough
I'm too weak to fight anymore but I don't want to give up
I hate my dark days, they are so deeply painful
tears just come on their own and don't stop
I'm just waiting but not sure for what

i'm so fucking disgustingly depressed. i've had enough of it. something has got to change. but i don't know what.

I never should have left community college. I had a 4.0 after my first year and transfered out early because my gf at the time was at the local major university. Moved into an over loaded school where the professors barely speak english and you can't even find a seat the first couple weeks of class because the 450 student hall is over booked.

Then the tumor had to come at the worse time possible and fuck up my second year there.

And the never ending drama. The slit wrists and broken hearts. Dropped from a 3.86 to a 3.1 in months. Gave up after the first month or so, it was too late. I thought. Ended up passing almost everything without trying. Didn't think that was going to happen. Got an F though, first one. Those thoughts of aborting the self get easier to deflect every year. fuck it.

In the 2 years that I've been addicted to hard drugs, I've been lucky not to get in trouble with the law. My record has remained totally spotless. Unfortunately my luck ran out yesterday morning as I was driving home from my girlfriend's place... I had a seizure behind the wheel (probably caused by sleep deprivation, methamphetamine, and benzo withdrawals) and crashed my car. All I remember is waking up in an ambulance with a number of police cars around me.

Apparently they searched my car, and found the remains of a bag of methamphetamine (containing less than a point) and a glass pipe. A blood sample was also taken from me while I was at the hospital, which I know will be positive for meth and benzodiazepines. So all of a sudden, I've gone from having a spotless record to facing multiple charges! Possession of a Class A substance, possession of a drug utensil, and driving while impaired. I'm back at home now, expecting a court summons to be delivered soon. So much for a merry Christmas, huh?

So I pull into the clinic today @ about 7:30am (Tues.) and hop out... a large(r) black woman with a monroe piercing is walking up to the door of the clinic in sync with me. She remarks as I am stepping out of my car and closing the door, "oh thats a cute little car" and I turn around to say 'Thank You' as I am still walking to the door. Its cold outside and I don't ever make small talk with people at the clinic. There are some shady characters there! This woman was so far from shady it was a joke, BUT - its the principle. I come to get my dose and leave. 5-10 mins total time spent there as long as the line isnt long...

Anyways I got off topic - As i'm climbing the stairs still in sync with this nice black woman - she says "what are you doing taking methadone? you look so young!" and before I could even answer she says, "you were doin' them oxies weren't you?". I almost wanted to laugh at the stereotype - white kids = OXY, poor people/blacks = DOPE - which couldn't be farther from the truth, esp. with me but not wanting to come off rude I turned to her and said, "i did everything, shit I was banging dope a year ago". Her mouth dropped, and as we make our way to the door she finishes with "DAYUM child how old you is"? "You were hanging with them boys on the block?"

"no, i'm 23" i said.

*door opens to the clinic*

the end.

ps - its hard getting respect and taken seriously at the clinic, and most of life - when your 23 and look 16. its also hard to get my dose raised, or anything else because people automatically take one look at me and say well he looks young so he probably never had a bad habit - which couldn't be farther from the truth! ugh. profiling and stereotypes suck, and fitting into the physical descriptions are even more demeaning. blah.

bored as hell in this place.

If any of my Toronto friends want to hang, gimme a shout on my cell.

how do you post on fourms here?