edit: and here i am now, an hour later. completely fine. thinking as clear as i can after smoking a bowl of church lol. i just cannot wait until i can go to a professional and get this shit under control.
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i need a fucking xanax. i guess i was trying to prove something to myself by not taking any. but then when my boyfriend comes home and i actually have to talk to a human being in person, i realize how fucking miserable i am. and i wonder why i torture myself every fucking day by not taking any xanax, just because i need to prove something to myself.
fuck it, what is there to prove? i am addicted. i have a fucking problem. i feel horrible right now. i feel MEAN. fucking MEAN. my skin is crawling from the inside. i feel sore. i can't fucking think straight or rationally. my thoughts are all fragmented and there are so many of them. i feel nauseated.
i was on facebook and i noticed my boyfriend's sister's status. it was like "making christmas cookies with the girls" or some shit. i thought about how that stuff doesn't make me happy. i would be bored, and uncomfortable. and i thought about how non of that happy holidays shit makes me happy. or how i think "normal" family things suck. and then my boyfriend came home and told me i have to go to his sisters tomorrow to eat christmas cookies and see the new baby. i should be excited, but i'm annoyed. i don't want to fake a smile and eat fucking cookies and pretend the baby is oh so cute. i don't want to watch my language and pretend i'm a happy jesus loving girl with good morals. that isn't me and i shouldn't have to fake a god damn thing.
somehow i got out of going to thanksgiving dinner. i'm not gonna get out of christmas. last year i had to sit in a circle with his family and watch them exchange gifts. the only thing that got me through that was wine. i was so out of place. and even then i didn't have social anxiety to the degree i have it now. it's going to really suck. i already have that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach.
truthfully, i am jealous of those who can enjoy making cookies with their family. or driving around to see the christmas lights without having to take some LSD for it to be amusing.
i'm thinking way too much. i've been all day. and i don't give a fuck, i'm taking xanax now. i don't need to feel like this. i guess you would call my boyfriend my "enabler." he has seen the drastic change in me, from being a complete headcase to the nice girl i used to be naturally. he's been making sure i have xanax whenever i need it. earlier i asked him how he puts up with it. and he said he can see through it, and knows i'm still in there somewhere. he really loves me... and i know i love him. but this me, right here and now, loves no one or nothing. i feel heartless.
....let's see how i feel in twenty minutes or so....
*sigh*
---
i need a fucking xanax. i guess i was trying to prove something to myself by not taking any. but then when my boyfriend comes home and i actually have to talk to a human being in person, i realize how fucking miserable i am. and i wonder why i torture myself every fucking day by not taking any xanax, just because i need to prove something to myself.
fuck it, what is there to prove? i am addicted. i have a fucking problem. i feel horrible right now. i feel MEAN. fucking MEAN. my skin is crawling from the inside. i feel sore. i can't fucking think straight or rationally. my thoughts are all fragmented and there are so many of them. i feel nauseated.
i was on facebook and i noticed my boyfriend's sister's status. it was like "making christmas cookies with the girls" or some shit. i thought about how that stuff doesn't make me happy. i would be bored, and uncomfortable. and i thought about how non of that happy holidays shit makes me happy. or how i think "normal" family things suck. and then my boyfriend came home and told me i have to go to his sisters tomorrow to eat christmas cookies and see the new baby. i should be excited, but i'm annoyed. i don't want to fake a smile and eat fucking cookies and pretend the baby is oh so cute. i don't want to watch my language and pretend i'm a happy jesus loving girl with good morals. that isn't me and i shouldn't have to fake a god damn thing.
somehow i got out of going to thanksgiving dinner. i'm not gonna get out of christmas. last year i had to sit in a circle with his family and watch them exchange gifts. the only thing that got me through that was wine. i was so out of place. and even then i didn't have social anxiety to the degree i have it now. it's going to really suck. i already have that nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach.
truthfully, i am jealous of those who can enjoy making cookies with their family. or driving around to see the christmas lights without having to take some LSD for it to be amusing.
i'm thinking way too much. i've been all day. and i don't give a fuck, i'm taking xanax now. i don't need to feel like this. i guess you would call my boyfriend my "enabler." he has seen the drastic change in me, from being a complete headcase to the nice girl i used to be naturally. he's been making sure i have xanax whenever i need it. earlier i asked him how he puts up with it. and he said he can see through it, and knows i'm still in there somewhere. he really loves me... and i know i love him. but this me, right here and now, loves no one or nothing. i feel heartless.
....let's see how i feel in twenty minutes or so....
*sigh*