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I got pit on Seroquil (sp?) today for depression on everything thats been going on lately, its only to try for 1 week to see if things get better, but now I got the good ones that will knock me and anf fuck me up

The amptryptoline made me buzzy and wobbley akl day which i kinda liked.

I can wait tp try my new cocktail of pills and get fucked,

If things go bad I might have to move cause of th is amanda thing...or terry leave but not sure if i can afford this rent on my own.

We'll see what happens though.

I wish i had someone to go out and hang out in the snow and take pix with, eat crappy corner hotgods with too much condiments and lulz at idiots and walk for hours and talk about random nonsense while spun.


I dunno what i can do on my own.... maybe walk and take pix around the city on thursday.






imub

My heart stil aches from all before
my soul battered and shattered
mental status unknown
used and abused
from all before
chance meeting, almost not
midnight conversations
information superhighway
tense first meeting
probably not what you expected
you stayed around anyhow
heated solitary confrontation
even that second time
the third we could not contain.
Your words and touch so sweet
my frienzied mind became so afraid
not of youm your free spirited words
life and stupidity happens
words I wish I never said
words i wish i DID say
things slightly different.
I made assumptions that caused my own pain
I hope my assumptions were paranoid thought untrue.
Slowly things back to good
not the same, but still so nice

Feirce embrace went the hurt
Feirce embrace went the anger
Feirce embrace the memories returned
Less self worth, and you got hurt
even now that my mind is more sound
I was worried.....scared that.....god forbid.

My bestfriend , the one that I love
the one that I wish loved me too
the way that i love you.

Tough exterior bad ass attitude
soft eyes, soft touch
wishing you would let your guard down
I would never hurt you EVER.

Obligations keep us apart alot
wondering how things might have gone if i never had them....?
wondering how things will go as they are now....?
Is it wise to ask or know ahead of time...?
probably not.

Fear of life holds you back
I know you'll deny it
fear of letting emotions run free after being hurt yourself before.
Fear of letting them run free with me?
Fear of getting too close?
Fear of realizing you love us all (obligations and all)?
I don't know.

Is it hate of the obligations?
or just that I have them and you don't want to be near them?
Is it fear?
Sometimes I don't know...

Laying in your arms is where I feel like where I am supposed to be
with my head upon your chest...your heart
your arms around me
your lips softly kissing me, here and there
such a scene melts my heart
makes me want more than I know I can have
Just me and you. Just us having fun.
A dream I know that I know will never come true.

At your best, at your worst, and everywhere inbetween, I will always take you as you are.
You are amazing just as you are, you are perfect to me.
who else could say that to you RIGHT NOW? Who else?

I've seen your anger, I've seen you take your venom out on me, I've seen your tears that broke my heart and braught tears to my eyes. I've even had a gun pulled on me.

I trust you with my life.



How else can I put it?


How else can I say I'm sorry?

You don't bring me flowers
you don;t write me love songs
your so far from normal
.....it brings a smile to my face.

Your eyes are full of soul
your soul so full of life - and pain
your life so full for fight
....though your hands so gentle on me.

Sometimes I forget to breathe
Sometimes I acche inside
sometimes i feel alone and cold
....and then you came along and I could breathe again.

You came along and stole cinderella
Took her from that evil cruel lifestyle
she never wore no pretty blue ball gown
....but you loved her none the less.

She's never understood love
she's never felt true love
she never new a TRUE friend
until she met you
just look into her eyes
you'll see what this says is truth
she's innocent as a human lamb
...... and you're her Edward Cullen , yours to engulf.

Life is so complicated
so fustrating
would you still love me
if you knew my secrets?
I bet you would.

Heartbeat so sequential
so unmistakeable
I could hear it through a crowd
constant beat like a techno dance floor

silken touch upon my hip
my frenzied heartbeat to match your own
my ear upon your chest
the place I want to be most.

The sound so heavenly to my ear.

Just some songs that got me thinking.....

The first thing I did when that plane finally landed was kiss the ground
The next thing I did was to go find my friends down at the old hangout
Drank some beer and talked a lot about old times
But when the booze finally hit Billy Joe Grimes
He said I don't know what it is, but you seem different to me

I said I just came back from a place where they hated me
and everything I stand for
A land where our brothers are dying for others who don't even care anymore
If I'm not exactly the same good old boy that you ran around with before
I just came back from a war

The very next morning I took a walk through the neighborhood
I thought it's been so long since I've been in a place where everything is good
People laughing and children were playing
And as I watched em I found myself praying
Lord keep em safe here at home in the land of the free

Cuz I just came back from a place where they hated me
And everything I stand for
A land where our brothers are dying for others who don't even care anymore
If I'm not same little freckled face boy
That grew up in that house next door
I just came back from a war

I hope you cherish this sweet way of life
And I hope you know that it comes with a price

I just came back from a place where they hated me
And everything I stand for
A land where our brothers are dying for others who don't even care anymore
Chances are I never will be the same
I really don't know anymore
I just came back from a war

I just came back from a war

[background]
You dont know me (repeated)

I just came back from a war

Click to expand...

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would fall
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those GOLDEN BROWN eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late NIGHT walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with

Click to expand...

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then I can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

[Bridge]

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

[Verse 2]

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

[Bridge]

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

[Bridge]

So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing I do

[Chorus]

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting.

Click to expand...

So the last time I wrote in this thing I was pretty fucking stoned. Hmm...
Well now lets see... my actions post, post went as so... sat around for a few days smoking pot and buying weird shit on the internet with my newly alloted monies... decided that I had enough money to buy a few dilaudid and not risk being broke for the rest of the week.... Bought a few of those...didn't feel shit the entire two days I'd had them and ran out and went back on suboxone. I've just drank about 3 pints of wine, never drink so I'm pretty buzzed... I can hear the people who live above me pounding away on the floor...hopefully they cant hear me b.c my music is pretty loud... I've decided that Im wayyy too pretty to be such a fucking loser pounding away on her computer day after day.... I'm seeing my ex on wednesday...hes so fucking cute....god, im desperate! this is the most pathetic blog i've written thus far.... so funny just as I wrote that line, pantera sang "can hear those violins playin your sooong..." woooow, ironic, eh? So my grandma just woke up, had to help her w/ the restroom, hence the reason I'm awake at such an hour... Gosh I wish I had a normal life sometimes, oh well, can't win them all now can we? Currently listening to cute without the 'e'(cut from team) by TBS, hmm...wish i was at a concert...might not feel the shame I feel now..... I can't explain this recent emotion...perhaps I'm "bipolar" haha, yea right, what a cop out...I hate people who label themselves, even with psychological disorders, geeeze, accept that you're weird sometimes and move on!

Life has a funny way of falling apart when you think things are finally looking up.
I have a funny way of self-destructing when I finally get my foothold.
Luckily for everyone else, life will go on.

im starting to feel content again. this makes me scared as hell. everytime shit seems to level out and i get comfortable into another trough i go. o well i guess its not bad ive spent so long trying to get to nothing. by that i mean i live out of fear of losing, so i make sure i dont have that far to fall bfore rock bottom. hell couldnt complain if i wanted to. problems seem so dramatic when they arent mine, wen they are its just like a dream passing me by. im becoming an isolationist as much as it is uncomfortable to be alone for so long it gets alot worse when people are around. so much so i can barely make conversation with the gas station clerk. people call me on the phone to bitch about me not talking to anybody, but i just wish everybody forgot i was here. people confuse and disturb me. why?

Dear life,
What am I going to do? The days keep passing buy and I keep thinking about the end. Today is December 7th, I have until the 16th to have all of my stuff packed and to be out of my current living situation.
This morning I did call 2 numbers that a friend gave me. The first number I called was a hospital they want $1,300 up front, and I don't have that kind of money. The only money that I could maybe scratch up is enough for a bus pass. Not a Greyhound buss ticket, just a local city ticket. If worst comes to worse I'm going to use that money, that big ole $0.35 to buy a ticket and get me as fucking far away from here as possible. I know of a homeless shelter about 10-15 miles from where I am living right now.
I did contact another place here in town, it's a place I could go to, except they want $75.00. They saied that they could "bill" me, but that is just for the intake fee to see if I even qualify for this place. That really doesn't promise me anything. If I do "make the cut" then I will have to wait another 2-3 weeks, and they require $250.00 for treatment. That's not as bad as the first place, but I still have 2-3 more places to call, and hopefully my friend will get me some more information about getting government help.
----
So here I am, sitting here in the school cafeteria eating crackers. It is better than nothing.
I did get creative and made a lemon aid drink with about 10 lemon packets, and 7 things of sugar. LOL
yeah I can laugh about it because I feel so mischievous making it, along with taking hand fulls of crackers. "TAKE THAT SOCIETY"!!Muwahahaha!
---
Anyways I tried selling back my book to the school and guess how much it is worth? $0.00. zero dollars, I was all happy that I had a book to sale, I was so planning to walk across the street to burger king n get like as many of those $1.00 cheese burgers as I can fit in my mouth lol.
Nope, not gonna happen tho.
Another one of my best friends on blulite sent me a lil moneys i think,and if its enough to get grochie I'm going to walk to wallmart and get some veggies! and fruit!! and some noodles!! and some mystery meat for protein(i hope lol),

I am grateful that I havn't touched a drink or drug since 11/14/09.amen

(i will keep adding things as I think of stuff to add.)

I feel so lonely lately. Terry hates me, My BFF (best fema;e friend lives in London now, and I dunno whats going on with my other friend.


I have no money to go out and do shit....only walk.....even then I get bitched at and accused of going to go see a certian someone if I go anwhere...

Then the drama with my daughter...


Seriously I need to get away for a month or so at least.... and with the no friends or money.....well...hard to do.

I get money on the week of the 14th, but not enough for a place... onloy $447 (aprox) the rest is terry's which is almost 2G's.

I just feel so........ *sigh*

I dunno what to do anymore, I feel so abandoned and fucked up and that no one wants me in their lives family and friends.....

Its like a hollow feeling. I can;t describe it.

*sugh*

I dunno......

I have been off the H for three days, the first two days where hell, then I got my hands on a sobo and never knew there where other ways to take it. Call me old school I guess but when I read the blogs I thought you guys where full of it. But holy s#@t I actually got high on suboxone. Thanks %)

Well, as stated in my revious blog...my thread was closed.

Hey everyone!
I had started a thread on Dec. 5th that was closed. The thread meant alot to me, so I figure possibly I can write about it here.

05-12-2009, 07:56
Last Big Hoorah!

Hey everyone!
Well I have finally decided to try and quit my heroin habit/addiction! Tonight and tomorrow marks my last big hoorah for myself, my boy friend and supposedly my brother too. We went and copped two and a half bundles. Was kinda funny because the dealer was like "Damn... you going on vacation?" LOL We didn't tell him what was up. This guy has THE best dope in Detroit.
Everyone thought I had the best connection, like my guy's stuff was the bomb. But then he started getting VERY inconsistent. I mean TOO many times did I go and get a B and a half just to find it was ALL bunk ass shit. I bet I wasted over $600 in a months time on their bunk shit. Then when you call and complain it starts going to voicemail (for a day and a half) because everyone they had just sold to started calling and complaining, so they just turn off the phone till they re-cop. Then you call and its like "Oh its on....this is the good stuff baby."
Me: "Well what about the shit I bought yesterday?"
Them: " Oh well we re-copped and this is the good stuff now."
Me: "But I spent $150 yesterday....can't you at least give me a B for free?" (this being after the 3rd or 4th time I got bunk)
Them: " Just come on down....I'll hook you up."
Forty five minute drive later and half hour wait later.....
Him "Hey baby, you'll love this stuff."
Me: " Well you gonna look out for me?"
Him: "Yeah baby, what you want?"
Me: "A B"
Him: "Here..." Hands me some packs...
Me: "Thanks hun...hope it is good. You know I'm a good customer. I only come to you and I really don't wanna have to go look for a new dealer. I spend over $300 a week with you, you used to have the bomb."
Him: "It's all good baby"
I get out, get in my car and count what he gave me. Instead of the regular 12 you get for a bundle, he threw in 2 extra. WOW! Thanks guy. It did end up being some wicked shit. BUT.....a week later, buy a B and open the pack...its the sticky grainy takes-3-packs-to get-me-off-bunk-ass-shit.
After getting ripped off, what....5, 6, 7 times....we start asking around for a new dealer. We find this guy in the same area... AWESOME kick ass top of the line good quality - great quantity 1 pack makes you puke shit. YAYYYYYYYY we've struck gold!
We love this new guy. He is now our best friend, our god, our doctor. LOL
So, it's so good we are spending every last cent we have trying to get as much dope as we can, kinda being worried in the back of our head that this hook up is going to fall off too. !! Please don't !! Please don't !! Please don't be bunk!! No worries. Great stuff everytime. Totally consistent. But now, over a month , utility shut-off, eviction notice later, we've all decided, we've had our fun.... it's time to grow up, again.
So, back to the beginning of the story here..... We all decided that we would do one last hoorah....tonight and tomorrow, wake up Sunday and start on the Subs. 2 1/2 bundles in our pocket, we are all fucked up tonight. I'm trying to save most mine for tomorrow. We have 10 Suboxones ready for Sunday morning (traded two Loracet to one Sub....to me that's an awesome deal, especially since my insurance covers my prescription of my Lorries and they are free to me.)
Which by the way, I have found you REALLY only need two Subs per person to get off an opiate withdrawal. The first day you wake up feeling like shit. Take a whole sub. The next day you take 1/2 sub, 3rd day you take 1/4 sub and the same on the 4th. I've done this twice and both times it worked just fine for me. My brother said it didn't work so well for him, so I am guessing it all has to do with a persons chemistry, but I would really suggest others try the same thing. Don't let your head fool you into believing your sick. Just cuz you aren't HIGH doesn't mean you need more or that it isn't working and you think you have to go back to dope. Really listen to your body. If your insides aren't gurgling, and you don't have to puke....you can handle it. LOL
Maybe I will take this portion and post it somewhere else, too. Its ruining my buzz thinking about Sunday aka Suboxone day. LOL
But, I just wanted to share with everyone my big plans for tonight and tomorrow. I will still use occasionally, but NEVER more than 2 days in a row so that I won't become physically dependent on it again. AND I will never go broke looking for a buzz again. Its been very irresponsible of me, selfish of me, and just down right fiendish. Life's too short to live day by day NEEDING heroin (or pills, for that matter). I look forward to Christmas with presents for my kids and the bills paid.
Wish me and mine luck!
We are all going to need it!
I'll keep you posted.
Thanks for lending an ear...or well an eye!
Liz

I'm bored, so I thought it might be interesting (or at least help to pass a bit of time) to list all the psychiatric drugs I've been prescribed over the last 12 years!

Current meds:

Citalopram
Clonazepam
Diazepam
Seroquel

Past meds:

Carbamazapine
Clozapine
Haloperidol
Lithium Carbonate
Olanzapine
Prozac
Sodium Valproate
Risperidone
Temazepam
Zopiclone

A lot of those previous medications I actually didn't need. A doctor misdiagnosed my borderline personality disorder as bipolar disorder, so I was given a cocktail of anti-psychotics and mood stabilisers that weren't even necessary!

Acid:
The harder i try the harder i trip.

Mushrooms:
An exercize in futility.

DXM:
Visiting the dark side of the moon.

Inhalants:
You'll succumb to help the cure.( what those voices are really saying )

MDMA:
Life revamped and made beautiful.

Opiates:
My perfect state of mind.

Salvia:
Fear incarnate. (at least for me)

so im just sitting here freezing my ass off bored. its gotta be like 40 degrees in here. posting because its been 24 hours without sleep and im starting to become delirious Happy Day! sleep deprivation is a fun state of mind it helps to see through people's façade. i can see right past everyone act and realise we are all so fake. everyone puts on this stupid jesters hat to entertain others around them. even me. cant help it because i..... well i guess i dont know why.

Is it normal to feel scared and confused about life? I mean sure you.
I'm lucky that I have so many people that have been helping me out with numbers, and moral support.
I still feel like I want to be with my family since this is the holidays and everything, I don't want to really think about "C-Day" because I have a feeling that it's going to be like "T-Day" all over again. (I'm using abbreviations because... well. those words just hurt at the moment.

I've recently been reading someones blog, http://homelesscide.blogspot.com/
It is about a 40+(I think) gentlemen that due to his unfortunates he was left to live on the street.
If you read a little bit of it he tells you that he still functions as being homeless. He still see's his daughter, and does the deal.

I just felt like bringing that up because you don't learn from homelessness from your kindergarten teacher.
I've also been on the http://www.suicideforum.com/
really because I've felt so low that I really feel like ending it, and they have supportive people in the chat room that talk to you, and listen. No matter what time of the day it is their is always someone there, and that means a lot when I feel so fucking sad.

Well today is Sunday, December 6th. I've got 10 days before I have to leave to find somewhere else to go, and since I can't return to school for next semester then I've got to do something.
I haven't talked to my mom or dad in a long time, I know that they are pretty pissed at me for my last blackout.
I cant rely on my parents my whole life, and cant expect them to bail me out of trouble every time I make a mistake.

Feeling pretty down right now, at least this coffee is pretty strong. Here at about 11:30am the lunchroom opens so I'm going to walk down there and fill up my bag full of those little soup crackers, and jelly's. Maybe i can make them stretch instead of eating them all at once.

that's all i got for now
-------
11:52am

Luck is on my side I guess for now. They put the crackers out, sucks in a way they are the little rectangle keeblers, and a handfull is like 8-10 crackers, and they hardly fill me up. They taste better then the other crackers, more of a sweet taste then insted of some kind of french onion taste like the bigger ones.

I'm sitting here in the lunchroom on my laptop, its quiet here, the only down part is that the person that is working in the cafeteria is one of those people that will charge you for a cup of water.
Eh gotta look somewhat productive so they don't think I'm just here for the crackers.
---
12:45pm

Didn't bring my laptop battery charger with me, so I'm down to half a battery. my laptop has a pretty big ass battery and It saied it can last up to 5 hours or so without a charge, I'm not listening to any music so I don't know what it's wanting to run out so quick.

about to go back and get some more crackers, this is so redicolus, funny I play it out so smooth.
and if they ask questions they know that the price of food here is wayyyy over charged, who the hell can afford a single patty burger with no cheese for $4.00?
fuck that i'm straight with these crackers and jellys lol.

Pretty quiet here, not much of anything going on. Don't know for sure when the lunchroom closes but I'm going to try to take every last pack of crackers.

My child has been "missing" for a week. Her
visitations were this weekend, I cant get into detail but if i dont hear anything by 1pm tomorrow Sunday.... well..... i'll update Sunday night or monday or as soon as I can.

I am just updating for those people who are wishing to keep up to date with the situation.

She has now "legally" been missing with her dad since friday 4pm.

I have around a week clean and my roommate is going to a bar (Reeds) on Thursday. She offered to pay for me since she said I've been depressed lately. I want to stay away from these kind of places but it's hard when it's free. I asked someone that I feel is close to me for help, well I feel I did. I asked the person to help me stay busy that night and their response was that they can't hang out with people who use. WTF the whole reason I asked was so that I don't use anything.
I guess it was out of line to put that kind of question to someone. I just thought..I don't know I thought their would be some kind of understanding and there wasn't.
I'm not gonna go with her, I'm saying this now. I can't reach out like that and I realize I can only count on myself.
Sometimes life really sucks being clean.

You've got to be kidding me. I've been further even more decided to use even go need to do look more as anyone can. Can you really be far even as decided half as much to use go wish for that? My guess is that when one has really been far even as decided to use even go want, it is then that he has really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like. It's just common sense.

Highways is the lifeline of a junkie, the promise of salvation, every journey different but they all end up in the same place. In maryland I got on 495. Signs for baltimore appeared hovering over the freeway soon after that. Puttin my foot in another shoe I am going to cop. Im riding towards 0 and 00 caps, ridin towards the same life in a different pattern, wonderin if the tinted out car i see, nothing to me, strikes fear in their hearts. if the car stopped on the side is a speeder or a junkie about to be sick all night long. Trying to pick them out just like I do at home, where I know that anyone pulled over between 57 and 60 is goin down.

The city rises over the ramps as i come over the hill, does it fill them with a strange vibrating fearful anticipation? Im just a traveler it means nothing to me, but this is their Mecca and for a second I feel the excitement that I know they feel when they see that sign for the turn off where they descend into the city at, just like how no matter wat, the word Paterson looming over the exit lane like the announcement of the promised land still puts a quick flip in my stomach.

The words hold a secret that only we know, meaningless to everyone else but burns bright in our minds, its the sound of giving up, its the never ending taunt that says one more time. Its somethin that you cant avoid, clean for 6 months, a year, and every time you go down that highway, every time, you got to hold your hands down tight on the steering wheel, steel yourself, dont let your body go into autopilot and turn to the right, look straight ahead as u count down, knowing If i get over now I can still make the exit just hold on hold on, dont do it, and u got money and why not and its prolly safe, ahh fuck it, you whip around the u turn and ascend the ramp and youre right on Madison heading for 19th like you never left, feels better than cheating on your wife with the sexy girl you been dreaming of, more satisfying than the forbidden moment you kiss...

And the familiar surge of adrenaline rushes thru you, suddenly you alive again, shivering with pleasure at re living your memories, its so good you cant take it, the anticipation screaming thru your blood , Im going for it, Its so wrong its so right, the delicious thrill of letting yourself fall and not givin a fuck, I'M IN, ITS ON, HERE...WE..GO....

or instead you keep driving, teeth gritted, breathing shallow and the car is quiet windows up no radio, tryin to ground yourself, tell all the reasons it wont work and shouldnt happen and you know you aint doing nothing. You see the sign and move to the left, far from the off ramp. and nothing happens, everything goes back to normal. You resist and you refuse to admit to yourself just how bad you want to follow the trail you could drive in your sleep. Feeling old, lame, out the game, making excuses for yourself and why it aint a good idea and the small ember of knowing its all bullshit burns in your forehead and you hate playing this game telling yourself lies just to accomplish something you really dont even want to be doing anyways, but it just stuck somehow and now youre here and logic says it would be dumb to go back and you dont even know how you got here.

The minorr struggle every time you take this road is the last connection you have left with the life you used to lead, wondering if anybody noticed that you never around the store no more, if the guy that called you every day and hooked you up even remembers your name, phone numbers changed and everything you built up aint shit. You dont even know why you do it anymore, go by here, when theres 3 other ways, but you do it every time.

And as all this flickers thru your mind, you stay moving straight, pass your last chance for one for old times sake, and as that sign disappears you dont feel proud, you dont feel relief.
it feels like you got punched in the stomach. Your fantasy dies your chest sighs and disappointment fills your body .

So the landlord wants his house back and we move out tomorrow, two weeks in a hostel, ten days visiting family and then London again briefly again before I get my flight to Asia.

It's been 19, nearly 20, months since I moved in here with six friends and it's been good, in bad times. More of a home than I have had in ten years and the best people too.

Now they're all going or gone. One in Canada, one Australia, one NZ, two Hungary and the last two of us splitting for South Africa and Cambodia respectively. I'm a little sad by all this, but things change and we all agreed to get out of this fucking city.

Except one, which is good because it meant the house cat didn't get totally orphaned.

We have to leave here tomorrow when the landlord shows but I still have a guitar and suitcases and ebay stock to put in storage, plus a car that a person is supposed to come and buy between 6 and 10am. Nearly 3 now, so I had better pack and shave and shower then get some downtime.

Yeah I know no one gives a shit about my shit or what I am going through, cause I'm an annoying repetative "clingy" internet nobody...

My daughter is still "Missing", if she doesn't show by 3:30pm it will be her missing 24hrs.

Lawter said I can basically do nothing at all except file an emergy court order (i forget the term right now) and the child advocate would assess it and such.... yadda yadda....and I STILL might not be able to get her.

Basically I am fucked unless he has raped her or broken a bone or leaves the country with her.


I am still totally emotionally fucked.

Still no one cares.

and still I have nothing to get me fucked on to forget everything for 1 day so I can mellow out.

Oh well..... I'm just a loser.

Who cares about me. FTW.


I You Princess
I You Austin
I you D

Fuck..... I even love my family though they don't give a shit.

I guess another day or tears, coffee, maybe I'll eat today...who knows....

Maybe I'll just sleep the day away and wish for death again.

No one would miss me..... right.


Nope.

Well my son..... but he has his dad, he'd get over it easy enough.....he's young enough.

Yeah, I got nothing to take to kill myself or get high, or spun, or nod or anything..... I suck balls...

I don't even trust anyone enough to get all fucked with..... only 1 person.... my bru.... but he hates me..... so yeah.... I guess no getting fucked this weekend.

I dunno....

He doesn;t even read my Blog anyhow..... so how would he even know....

meh well....


I'll stay home and suck as usual.

*** copied from BL journal ***

Well, I've decided to back on paroxetine. The benefits outweigh the negatives. I initially thought that it would be best to experience my emotions uninhibited but, I can't tell what is real and what is completely blown out of proportion in my head.

I get the distinct impression that the woman I respect most is stepping further back from me. I'm trying to communicate to her that its okay if she is but I don't know if I am simply mindfucking myself or if all the signs and signals are what I believe them to be.

I'm thinking of stepping off. She's too good of a person to be an additional stress to. I truly love her and believe we could be great for each other but I guess it isn't in the cards right now.

I kinda feel like an idiot and realize that I really need to work on acceptance of things I can't change. I also feel kinda needy whereas I simply just need to know what's going on. This lack of knowing has me thinking all kinds of shit. I can handle the loss however painful it may be, I'm just struggling with the fact that I'm apparently not easy to talk to so I'm being avoided.

This horrible feeling, too shall pass and I WILL learn how to face life on life's terms.

I want to go to bed but I'm wide awake. Initially my inabilty to sleep was due to all the thoughts raging in my mind but I feel better after typing this into a journal.

I'm living and learning and I know that it can be bad but its never as bad as my brain makes it out to be.

My past happened for a reason. That reason will become apparent to me some day.