Blogs

Blogs is French for journals.

you will end up with a fucked up face...

Id show pictures but its too embarrassing and sad that i ruined my beautiful complexion.



Yes mud masks are relaxing, just DONT FALL ASLEEP WITH ONE ON!

heed my warning.

This is just a story that I'm working on. I don't know if I'll get in a state I was in to be able to finish it. We will see. It is kinda based on my personal experience as well as things I have heard people say here...


Chapter 1

I jiggle my key, finally getting the rusty lock to turn and the door creeks open. Kneeling by my hotplate next to the door I grab my rusty pan and pour in the water, then add my ramen noodles. Sitting on the cold bare floor I dream about how wonderful it would be never to eat these damn things again. Becomes just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, but then again I'm sure it is easier to be more charming when your not all tweeked out.

I hate this shot so much more now that I'm eating once every 3 or 4 days. I can never tell anymore, there are no days and nights when you never sleep. When you can't get your fix and you do sleep there is no way of telling for how long. If the other ice girls turning tricks mention missing talking to you, then you know it has been a few days.

I know I've been sleeping a lot recently. But personally I'd rather be asleep than deal with withdrawals. Ha and I thought comedowns were bad. It doesn't even compare. Nothing makes you suicidal faster. But... the bugs kinda scared me. I had heard of it happening, but never me. Isn't that the truth always other people, not me, never me. What a crock of shit.

Speaking of shit, I found a mirror the other day. My eyes are a bit sunken in and I'm not sure the last time I got a decent shower. How I'm able to turn tricks at all is a mystery to me. Maybe the make-up I got from trying to cut back helps. Takes awhile to get the money but I guess you have to spend a little to make a little. Isn't that the shit hole we live in. You never win and you are just fooling yourself to even think that you can.

Fuck! Damn water is boiling over! First it doesn't heat and I have to eat semi-crunchy noodles and now its too hot, wasting my both. That is the best part. It warms your insides a bit, which is nice now that it is getting colder. But anything is better than snow. I can't stand it! Just trying to walk on ice in heels is hard enough, not to mention turning them gray with all the dirty snow and slush. And your ass is so cold that you can't tell if the guy is even touching you, but getting a regular hurts kinda. Just awhile before their body feels like hot plates against your skin. Funny how the white snow at first seems so white and clean and ten turns everything so filthy.

I could go on about us being like the uncorrupted new snow when we are born and then some of us turn out lives dirty. But that is just stupid. We just have to face the fact that some of us are just born fucked up. "Oh poor me, I never thought I would end up like this." I knew it was a possibility. It took, what, 2 months for this shit to get so bad that the comesdown would ache and make me want to pull my hair out. I kinda got to laugh at myself when I lost my last jobs. Getting all spun out and being completely swallowed in a task. 10 minutes late to work, ok just a few more things I got to finish and then I'll go. The time is just gone and it's been 5 hours . I guess they get sick of it after awhile.

Now my work can't fire me. I have a few people I have to report to. But I'm not going there, not after last night. You know who never misses you, your dealer. Your just another food stamp when there is this many shards around. I was lucky Angel shared a little with me today. I guess she needs someone to talk about nothing when the cops are out and business is slower. I don't know what she was going on about. Something about James being Gabriel and Eric being the devil. We skip around a lot. Besides no one is an angel around here.

The little I scrapped out of the bag when she sat it down, stupid of her by the way, is burning a hole in my pocket. But at least I have some. I already smoked the last out of the stem. Just watch, I'll drop my pipe on day when I'm too spun out to hold onto anything. Smells better in here. Between the chemical smell coming off me and saturating the room it had gotten hard to breathe in here at times. I just kept telling myself that it wasn't the crystal burning my lungs. Nothing like battery acid in the morning.

The steam of the pan feels good on my face, my eyes get kinda dry when I'm high. I wonder how long my eyes have been jumping around the floors on the strip of unpeeled wallpaper. Hard to believe this place once had wallpaper. Amps, entertaining people with stupid shit since...Hitler.

Fuck, it would be so nice to have some H when I come off this, at least you can pass out a bit. But who has the money for both? Shit! Lost again and not rolling this glass fast enough. Sometimes I can't focus enough when I'm high to keep myself that way.

It's hard to like being high when you know that when coming down my whole body will feel like it's dying. I have no idea how I went so long 6 months ago, which seems only like a disaster packed into 2 weeks. But I suppose this is my place in the world. Like it or leave it. More like scape by or don't. If I could just count the times I have heard the same shit over and over. If only they would shut up. I don't fucking care! But asking a "crackhead" to shut up is like asking them to stop breathing air. The silent gasp and then it starts again.

Nice of the one guy today not ripping my legs off with my underwear. Letting me take them off like he wasn't paying for his time.

Uh, great the chemical smell is back. On the blankets, if you could call these blankets. My favorite is the greenish one with the floors. It doesn't have any holes in it to annoy me. But maybe I should go back and shit my ass on the cold floor. At least until my butt it numb. The hotplate warms it up a bit over there, It would be easier if I didn't have this stupid fire phobia.

I amuse myself with how fast I get to the other side of the room. High or cold, it's full tilt or nothing. But... I should really find a clock and see if it's late enough to go back out. After 2 is prime time.

BRUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH



...




GAAAAAAAaaaaAAUuuUUUGGGGHHhhHH!!!


















AAAAaaaAAAAAGHDGHGDDGEGYDG!!!





























AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaUUuuuuuuUuUUUUGggHHH!

Chapter 2

I don't remember the last time I read something other than street signs or a phone book map to figure out where the hell I ended up. But who can read books anyway. It's strange to miss something like reading or writing. I wonder ig I'm too tweeked to stand still very long tonight. I wonder where "Gabriel" is, perhaps he found enough money to stay some place. I don't know how they do it sometimes. I'd rather date than get my ass beat stealing shit. Or at least get my ass beat less.

10 till 1:00, good enough. Maybe it will be just Angel and me on this street. The last thing I need is some new little bitch trying to get my dates. They just piss and moan about how bad things are when they have no idea of what bad is. They usually have bigger tits than I do, a little more meat to them. Although I'm still better than some. They take too long talking and shit to the Johns. I can turn double the tricks in the same time. The guys are all the same, as soon as they get off they are done for. They want you gone as soon as they get what they are after. I hate when they want you to stick around and expect you to listen to their sob stories. Fuck, if you got money to pay me you ain't that bad off. Always the same story too, about unhappiness and broken hearts. There is no such thing as happiness anyway.

"Candy!" a voice calls out to me. I turn around knowing the voice. "Hi Angel", I reply flatly. "Hows business?" "Oh ok. Look!" as she flashes her hot pink nails at me. "Where'd that come from?" "Walgreens on 2nd." "Cutting back are we?", I joke. "No." she laughs, "not even if I wanted to...and I don't." It just means a 5 finger discount. For us, small theft is just as regular as going to the store and paying for stuff is to "normal" people. "I can do yours too. I'm really good." "Ok." as I sit down on the steps of the empty store front. I like working here, no one to chase you off because you are making the place "look bad". "I'd do a better job if I wasn't shivering but maybe this way you won't smudge it." "It is November.", I reply pulling my skirt down as far as I can. I would be nice to have some pantyhose, but they never last long.

"Hi girls." Muffy says as she struts up to us. I actually forget what her name is, so I just call her Muffy cause she is a kept girl. Her pimp will buy her stuff, granted she puts out whenever he feels like it. I suppose that is the case today as she snuggles into her blue satin top to be sure we notice it. I'm guessing it came from the nice thrift shop over on Clark. I bet she could afford 3 pairs of pantyhose. "Ooo, nail polish, but I like mine better anyway." as she looks at her long purple nails. "Where are you working tonight anyway?" I say ignoring her usual bullshit, it wasn't that long aso that she was a girl just like us. Her face changes from a smile to a look of annoyance likely cause I refuse to mention how she looks. "The gas station 6 blocks down." she replies. Good, I don't have to deal with her self-righteous shit. She does ice just like the rest of us. Other than Jamie, her thing is smack. I don't know how she can make money when she is out cold all the time, eyes in the back of her head and what not. At least I can stay up all the time and work. "Great." Angel says with disgust as the lamp post light switches off above us. You obviously can't make money when no one can see what you are selling.

We stand up to move as Muffy follows us. Perhaps hoping she could get us to talk about her some more. I stop under the nearest lit light and give her a cold blank stare. She takes out a cigarette and lights it. She hold it near her face, wrist bent like she thinks she is some kind of movie star or something. I roll my eyes without even thinking about it. "I'll see you girls later." she says as she turns around and walks like she is the hottest thing on the block. Some days I could just push her in front of traffic.

Today is the four month mark of being clean from drugs and alcohol. I still smoke cigarettes and I still drink caffeine.

It seems like a lifetime as opposed to 120 days. In the last four months I have:

1) Been to rehab
2) Been in two relationships
3) Gained some muscle (and tone)
4) Practiced a somewhat rigorous healthy eating pattern
5) Been to over 110 12 step meetings
6) Registered for a 3 month course to become an EMT (class starts soon!)

I'm learning a lot about myself and, check this out, I'm feelin' pretty good about myself. I'm changing and learning.

Life isn't chaotic anymore. I used to thrive on the chaos now I'm generally at peace.

I wonder what the next four months will bring...

So I’ve made it through another weekend without ice. I was worried about Jaz’s party, because I knew there would be drugs around. Also, I couldn’t help thinking about her party last year, when I was still smoking… It’s silly, but I kept remembering what I did on this day last year, how I’d picked up the shards and couldn’t wait to get home, so I puffed in the McDonalds bathroom, and the rush… They were good, real good. I was so high at her party, high and happy, and confident… I was saying the right things. I felt comfortable, and that’s it, isn’t it. Just feeling right and comfortable, and it’s such a relief, and why I’m so drawn to this drug. Afterwards, Jaz told me her friends thought I was a cool chick to party with, and that really is, at the bottom of it all, such a fucking sad thing for me to hear, because that’s not me, it’s the drug, and I truly believe that the real me that I hide with the drug, is not a cool chick to party with.

So that was on my mind when I went this weekend and I felt so…disappointed that I wouldn’t live up to that straight. I’ve been off for 2 weeks now and I still feel awkward and shy and weird – ice seems to do that to me when I use it a lot, somehow it seems to make my personality fade. I feel like I’m less engaged with the world, disconnected maybe, and just hardly here. Geri says it too, that when I’m doing a lot of drugs she’ll talk to me and feel like she’s talking to no one.

Also, I’m still so sleepy, and though her friends are cool, I just couldn’t be fucked , and I felt apathetic, like I’d rather just be home alone. I took half a pill and waited and waited but it didn’t really kick in, and then I convinced Mick that we should go to the city. So we got a taxi, and I did feel bad that I’d left Jaz and her party, because I seem to do that a lot, leave good people to do silly things. And to cut a long story short, the night culminated with me losing $250 playing poker and spending today feeling hungover and anxious and depressed and all those good things.

I wished death on my bestfriend, my lover, my world. I wished death on the man that helped create our wonderful son, I wished it just one month ago. Two days ago we find out he has prostate cancer, possible chrosis of the liver, hole the size of a loonie in his lung, other lung is filling up with fluid. Multi-Organ failure and cancer makes him inelible for organ donation.
We met 5yrs ago on April 30th. We started dating just the following month on May 25th, we have so much in common and we are so alike. He treats me like a princess and yes we have our fights. We broke up for a bit, and I did some stupid shit, now we are trying to work our relationship out and we realize we love each other dearly and miss what we had, we missed our close quirky friendship that was totally lulz and rad and the love we had/have is so strong a tsnuami couldn't part it.

this song holds so true in so many ways about us... I think of it as our song.... he's MY Gerry...... my blue eyes Irishman who is dying on me that one day I will die a little inside and have to move on. Somehow, someway.....

You and Me..... The Galway Girl....

One day we'll meet at The Derg Inn baby, one day we will.

P.S. I Love You Galway Girl http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhl21...eature=related

Well I took a stroll on the old wild walk
On the day -I-ay-I-ay-ay
I met a little girl and we stopped to talk
On a fine soft day -I-ay
And I ask you friends, what's a fella to do
if her hair was black and her eyes were blue
And I knew right then I'd be takin' a whirl
Down the Salthill Prom with a Galway girl

We were halfway there when the rain came down
On a day -I-ay-I-ay-ay
And she asked me up to her flat downtown
On a fine soft day -I-ay
And I ask you friend, what's a fella to do
if her hair was black and her eyes were blue
So I took her hand and I gave it a twirl
then I lost my heart to a Galway girl

When I woke up I was all alone on the day i-ay i-ay-ay
With a broken heart and a ticket home on the fine soft day i-ay
And I ask you now,tell me what would you do
If her hair was black and her eyes were blue
I've travelled around I've been all over this world
Boys I've never seen nothin' like a Galway girl

Click to expand...

I'm sorry I lost your jacket, though you did lose it to me the second it was on my back. lol

I Love you Til The End http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2t8S82lTvkU

Life went on and as impossible as it seemed we started to wake up n see life, life like it really is, not thru the filter of heroin, graying out everything good besides itself and making every plan except the one to go cop seem pointless. This was was we had been waitin for, in a way, maybe we hadnt known it but now that shit was settled, that the days followed a smooth but comfortable track without sudden switches or gettin straight up derailed every other minute, it felt like the relief of surrendering in a game you just too tired to play anymore and stopped carin about winnin a long time ago. it wasnt perfect but it was somethin at least, right? We got used to the idea that this was it now, that this was how we would be, for a long time comin. We almost felt like this was real enough that we could keep on doin it, really give it a try.....But we knew the things that always lie in the back of our mind, our heart...

So now we go thru the motions with the rest of the world, learning all over again how it works, jobs, bank accounts, family holidays, college, cars we can afford to maintain and not just leave for dead when they break down cuz all our moneys reserved for one thing. We manage pretty good and we like it all right. we remember the days where everything that mattered could be counted in minutes, dollars, and the amount of phone numbers that could get us a bag and we feel....somethin, part wishin for the past and part gratitude that we got a break from all that cuz lord knows we needed it but woulda never been able to take it if it had been up to only us. Life is OK. It aint never gonna be perfect, but maybe theres somethin to this feeling that maybe there could be somethin positive around the corner for once.

But, deep inside us, like a candle that never goes out, we wait. We wait for that day 2 years down the road when this probation, parole, rehab classes end. for when we get our money right, fines paid, license back, counselors and cops and family and PO's off our asses, and suddenly own our own bodies again...

It aint that we want to go back to doin things the hard way, aint that we want to live like that...just that you never forget the ones you really loved, n dope aint no exception.

We wait for that visit from a far away friend, knowin its gonna come someday. And it aint the stressful, anxious, desperate wait that we got all too familiar with in our diesel daze. Its just a warm, happy, small feeling in our chest, one that belongs only to us, the knowledge that we have spent our whole lives to learn how to do this, and that we are ready. to wait , and wait, -- that no wait is too long, too much of a challenge, that we are made for this, to wait supreme, everlasting and never slip.

Like the quiet blue black winter dawn waits for the first beam of dark red sunlight to silently creep over the snow and slowly wash over morning, we are so patient. We wait with a private smile kept to ourselves, a pure, burning knowing of the facts in our soul that cant be cooled, a quiet fire whose only fuel is how completely certain we are of ourselves and the wait we keep like a vigil at the bedside of somebody we just aint gonna let die. We are waiting for you to come home, always leave the light on, and we know you gonna be there, if it takes a month, if it takes a year , we will be here.

Our whole life has prepared us for this and our patience will never end. We can out last you all, every last one of yall. you dont even know how we can wait, you could never be a match to us with your sentences and threats and how many days clean key chains and pisses in a cup, your authority can only go so far and last so long, and we gonna wait. You didnt think i had it in me, we say, but wat the hell do they know. We capable of things that people would never believe, and most of em never gonna find out.

And while we keep goin, working thru the days as we build on our goal little by little, the beauty is that it wont be now, but for once thats OK. It only makes us stronger, to know that it will be a long time comin so it dont matter because just knowin, just havin that ember glowing in our chest, reminding us that with every breath, hour, day , week, month, and year, the day grows closer--and that time will ,and does , go on n if theres one thing in the world we can count on , time is it...it puts the glow of sainthood on our tired junkie faces, closed eyes turned up towards the sky, lips slightly curvin with the virgin mary's transcendant half-smile of beautiful suffering, of enduring this worldly pain while knowin the thing we wait for will be more glorious than anyone on earth could imagine.

we know that we can do anything we set our mind to, we magicians and alchemists turnin shit to sugar and makin somethin from nothin, and we got it in us to keep it goin one more time. and that divine confidence, the complete sureness you bet with when you got a hand full of spades, aces, and all four jokers in a game of Spades....because we can be so certain, so absolutly positive, that we finally got one thing we know we can count on, it holds us. keeps us warm til we make it back home, til our waiting brings us to that final prize that we knew would always be there if only we could hold on long enough.

whenever life with the rest of the world gets rough all we need is to take a quick peek into the room in our mind where we store the dream, just think to ourselves about the truth that only we know, and let it comfort us til our resolve comes back. If we keep the faith, the hope that we cling to will be ours someday as long as we wait.

And I got all the time in the world, and I aint gonna stop, and when the timings right and the moment comes it will all be worth it, back to square one, the beginning but better this time, loose ends tied, older and wiser and ready to slip back into that old feeling like I never left and meet with that sweet oblivion again, and the joke will be on them cause I made it , I waited it thru, got back the thing I lost, and its all mine again forever.

We are here today but we pray for tomorrow, for the day we get reunited at last after all this time. Iit aint no lie when they say true love waits.

20/12/05 - YET ANOTHER HORSE TRIAL THAT WENT BY IN A HAZE
Lapsing is so painful. Now I wish I hadn't given in
and - you guessed it, Diary - gone to see Baggsy.
I told him what was going on for me and he offered to hit me up and even offered me some heroin as well (to really boost the confidence).
I got a generous pipeload sizzling - the crystals were insanely fine-cut and barely needed encouragement to burn smooth and fast. It was probably about 3 points but after 8 days amphetamine-free it was like a smack in the head and I was back-up-there and happy as larry. So happy I sat down with Baggsy and had a big fucking rah-rah with him, and was so tweaked I actually understood the old loon. Had a bit of a heart-to-heart.
He had a mushroom overdose apparently, back in the 70's, and somehow never came right so he spent years in a mental hospital. Diagnosed schizophrenic, put on anti-psychs and released, he then became a professional government-supported headcase who made a (fair) bit on the side selling drugs.
I had a taste of the heroin he was offering but it was that nasty black tar shit (the rush was beautiful but fluffing round with all those filters and trying to actually turn the tar into liquid on the spoon, while not losing any of what I'd paid for with my shaking methhead hands made me remember why I prefer buying skag off the Horsemen, since they sell it already drawn up into the barrels!)
Baggsy doesn't even do heroin himself - hell, he says, why waste money on skag when there's things like meth? He does sell it though.
So we sit there swapping drug history, then Joe knocks.
He was there to drop off the meth from the lab and he had plenty. Because I hadn't bummed drugs from him and all our previous debts were cleared he happily gave me a gram and even said I could have it for free.
'Merry Christmas' he said. Thank you Joe.
He gave Baggsy his, like, kilos of meth then grabbed out of his backpack, a spoon, 3 fits, and a syringe, as well as a 10ml container of sterile water, scooped about half a teaspoon of the crystal out of the bag, dumped it on the spoon and mixed it with the water, drawing it up into the syringe, passing us each a fit and grabbing the belt that was holding up his jeans to use as a tourniquet, and putting a third of the mixture up his arm. We each took a turn.
This was some strong shit, or maybe again it was my sudden lack of tolerance. I realised I had to head home before Mum noticed I'd gone, which was sad because I wanted to catch up on Joe but he walked me home anyway and I didn't cause any suspicion until I refused dinner.
When Mum and Liam went to bed I went and made a quick makeshift pipe out of a lightbulb (where the fuck is my pipe?) and spent the rest of the night smoking that gram.
In the morning I was tweaking so hard (wow, tolerance drops fast after detox) and I got Maverick dollied up and perky for the event.
My dressage judge was Celia, who of course knew I was tweaking but would be easily as much of a tweaker as I am - she's a pretty tough judge though. I remember that from when she taught me at Te Atatu Pony Club. Us tweakers have an eye for detail.
When I'm on P my dresage sucks. I get all impatient and Maverick feels it too. He's so sensitive to my moods - and he loves my P mood because it means he usually gets to jump. We got the highest dressage score today - ie. the lowest place after the first crucial phase.
Our show-jumping round was flawless - fast and clean. Unfortunately Lauren didn't see it. She was in the ring next to me in the dressage however and hissed 'fuck you, junkie' as we passed each other, with which I replied 'eat shit and die'. I have a feeling her dressage was flawless. Her show-jumping round certainly was. Someone else schools her horse, I'm sure of it.
Our cross-country round was perfect. I opted for all the short-cuts and got no time faults. Maverick was a handful but jumped without hesitation and even jumped an intermediate practise cross-country jump twice. I could tell he loved it and I loved it too.
It was a shame I gave into my stupid addiction. I could have done that day without P. Now I'm in horrible old methamphetamine comedown mode and I'm achey and miserable and fiending for a hit. I've slept all day today and now I'm feeling too agitated and craving P too much to sleep.
Time to hit up Joe and score some life-giving heroin - this time pre-barreled from the Horsemen. Takeaways, I call the stuff. Hell I trust the Horsemen - I did cook for them and probably will again. They won't fuck me over by giving me shit skag that's going to kill off their best little white working woman...and if they do, who bloody cares?

NB. (btw some of these r fake names/aliases)
BAGGSY - my ex-dealer; dealt P/H/psychedelics on a large scale; also a terrible P addict
HORSEMEN - a local gang of Islanders that mainly deal in drugs/weapons/stolen property
JOE - a son of a prominent gang member and was a gd mate tho i havnt seen him in yrs
LIAM - my 23yo brother (wud hav bn 19 in this entry), the one who supposedly does 'all the right things' (my parents rnt aware how much he luvs MDMA)
MAVERICK - my show-jumper, tho he started off doing eventing, or 'horse trials', which he and i used to compete in while i was fried...the grey Arabian horse in my avatar
CELIA - my first dressage instructor - a methhead whos still after me for apparently stealing her pipe
LAUREN - my major nemesis at horse trials; a rich kid whod had perfect ponies bought for her from age 10, and managed to get me kicked out of Mangere Pony Club for mentioning how I enjoyed smoking pot after a long day, to a haughty woman on the committee (her horse, Pythagoras, isnt half as good a jumper as Maverick, even tho he was taught by pros, Mav was just taught by me...he has natural talent - shit hed bn broken in for a yr or so in that pic in the avatar and check the height/width of that jump...)

rangrz since i know you probably dont read this blog as you care nothing for except your meth pipe and your next bump of MDPV.

Thanks alot for airing shit in public after I've been nothing but nice. On bluelight too. Where I was starting to like. That you asked me to join to join you in posting and TROLLING this place.

You called me a "fling" but you and me know better, I still have the emails and iif your brain isnt swiss cheese from all the drugs youve taken you do also have the memories of proclomations of loving me and "feeling closer" and future plans of fwb hang out and acting all sweet and nice and loving to me.

Then a month ago comes and you treat me like shit. For what? Just asking when we were going to reschedule our plans for "fun".

I took the time to make you a present, even after this, i still kept your gifts.

Now I am sick of being treated like shit, beyond shit for being nothing but nice.

Oh right, this is your sterotypical way of getting rid of friends right?

No wonder K hates you and S would rather get a restraining order against you then be your friend, now I foolishly understand that you want nothing but meth and PV.

If you want to keep living in a life of lies then go ahead.

Stupidly, maybe I am psycho, but I will always call you a friend, cause UNLIKE you, I keep my word. I don;t betray my friends in a pussy and chicken shit way.

You are nothing but a scared little 22yr old boy with a meth pipe, MDPV and an illness that causes you to have dillusions of grandeu.

When you decide to grow up and be nice again, take your meds and be "sane" again.

You know my number. My Email, Where I even Live.

I still love you and miss you as a friend and more.

I keep my word, I dont lie and backstab and betray FRIENDS.

I will be flinging your gift to your door at your house, they will have your name on it, just in case you perhaps are telling the truth and are not living there anymore.

Keep it or not, at least look at what I got you instead of just dumping it out. If you dont want it, i would appreciate if you mail it back/or even just put it in my mail box/leave it at my door - upstairs- with my name on it.


see you around, perhaps, someday.


merry x-mas and happy new year.



I dont know if i'll ever come back again, when i just came here to hang with a friend for the lulz and make some new friends.

I might come back once in awhile. Who knows.

Its been nice knowing all you people. Thanks sweet_p and her girl for the advice and kind words, i hope we get to talk on MSN :D you are very cool people, along with some others.

Merry X-Mas All.

I missed this feeling so much. I know I can't afford to do it daily again though, which is a really good thing.

But god DAMN I missed this!

Hey everyone,
Well I've been in some pretty fucking rough shape. My drinking was killing me, bottle by bottle, and I never headed the warnings before hand.
Anyways a few days ago (tuesday) I went to a homeless shelter, I will call it "The Sally".
Well I get there and it's like my fucking first day of kindergarden all over again, lol. I didn't know anyone, and I thought that everyone had a gun or a knife on them. Well that really wasn't the case. A lot of the people there are just shit outa luck, and have no family, no home, nothing.
It's sad, but I'm right there with them. ya kno?
Ok so I get signed in, and met a nice dude, a older gentlemen that's been living in bham for the past 6 months, sleeping at UAB hospital n shit waiting for his ole lady to recover from something.
He had a one year chip in his pocket, (iu told him that i was in recovery). He told me that he is still sober from booze. I didn't belive him, but shit it still was cool seeing one of "my kind" in the shelter.
Well I was given a towel, a little bar of soap, and 2 ketchup packet sizes of body soap/shampoo.

I go take a shower, and funny, I'm not longer "penis-shy" after that night. I really don't give a fuck anymore lol, I guess thats why the old men at the YMCA walk around nude 24/7 haha, Yeah so I dropped the soap like a dozen times and everyone was laughing at me, cant hold on to that shit to save your life.
After the shower I went turned n my towel n washcloth in for some bed lennon.
All the beds are gunk beds, and are letterd like A, AA, B, BB, etc.
The bed was like one of those things u lay on in the pool with a build in pillow, uncomfortable as fuck but you know I was actully happy that night.

The food sucked, lol better than nothing right? I had a piece of cornbread, some mac n cheese, some baked beans and 2 pieces of mystery meat. I belive some of it was like a huge chunk of fat (like the white shit on raw bacon), and a triangle shape of meat, lol? hahahah, i'm still alive so it cant be all that bad.
I couldnt sleep wortha damn that night b/c HOLY FUCK do people snore, like shit I know some of these cats in herre been smoking crack since the 80's and holy shit yo it was like someone dragging furniture across hardwood floor.
-----------------------------------
The other day:
Woke up groggy as fuck at 5:00am, and signed up to go to the "fellowship" house here in bham.
Everyone piled up on the sally buss, and off we went.
If no ones ever been to Birmingham it's like a scaled down New York. All kinds of shit to do, and theres a cool place in town called 5-points, and theres live music, bars n clubs.
So we get to FSH and ate breakfast. Well it's fucking cold as fuck outside, and all i had was a indipendent hoody and some gloves. So guess what we had for bfast? my worst enemy, syurp lol. well it's just I fucking spilt all that shit on myself without noticeing it and man fuck but it was alright, i just splashed water oon my self and said I piss'd my self, and since I'm homeless people belived me lol, naw It got all up in my hoody pocket and got all on the inside of my glove, and that shits uncomfortable putting on a glove and your fingers hit that sticky syurp shit lol. speed bumps id reckon for puttn em on so fast.
Later in the day after i cleaned up, we had class, like at 7:30am, and the councler talked about Pride, and how its the worst emotion becuase we fuck up on it all the time. along with humilty. I wrote down everything he said, so I can look over it later, he explained it cool.
Lunch sucked, balongi sanwich and a bag of lays potatoe chips. lol, diudn't stay 4 diner b.c we all ahd to be back at 3:00, so also the van doesn't pick us up so we gotta find rides, luckly there is a trolly thing here so it only costs a quarter, so we hopped on that. rode it back to the sally.
got there signd in, got a bed, and we had fried chicken that night, and that shit WAS BOMB yo, like forreal. better than KFC, serously that 80somethn yr old lady workn in there must have some family secreat rescipie.
Oh so durning break at FSH I walked to CVS and bought some ear plugs to keep out those loud ass snores, and they dont work lol . fuck silicone things for sleep.

Also went to my first AA meeting, and picked up a silver chip. It was my older sisters birthday so it felt special. I had 50cents to call her from a pay phone and she was glad to hear that I'm alive :/.
------
Today
Well right now I am washing cloths at the guys house that pickd me up from school and drove me to the sally. went to a meeting this morning, and went n ate breakfast at a place called "courtneys",, pretty good shit yo, i ate a western omlit, hashbrowns, and a cinnamon roll. good shit yo, better than grits and oatmeal.

I'm waiting on a bed at the FSH, and took my health assesment thingy yesterday(says what drugs I did n do and how much i drank n if i crazy or not, lol silly! ) I'm on the waiting list, it may be a day or 2 weeks b4 I get a bed, and till then I'm still goin to be going to the FSH on their (waiting list u wear a necklase thing that saies WAITING LIST ##, ) So hopefully they will see that even tho i'm not in the program they will still see me comen up there 4 treatment, I dobt it tho but its worth a shot.
Going to be up there and around birmingham volunteering at homeless shelters helpin out people.
At this point in my life I just relised that I don't need to be with happy people be happy, I understand that it makes me a hell of a lot happier helping out.
Like today, I cleaned the mens shower, and scrubbed the toliets. Why you may ask?

For the humility. A kid, grown up in a 3 story house, rich parents, BMW's, Benzes, lake houses ETC, takes so much, SO fucking much for granted, and cleaning those tolits, really woke me out of my fucking pitty me, and selfishness.
They know me now at the shelter, as the white boy that wants to do good.
I don't get any extra cornbread for dinner, or a nutty bar, or a extra blanket. I'm just like everyone else, homeless, and is willing to get sober.
If I have to clean toliets my whole life, and be sober doing it? I'll do it.

Well i gotta get back to my washing, love u all. I'll check in soon I hope.

Drew

PS: I cant spell wortha shit so work with me!

im slowly going insane in this house.
living with a man who i no longer love in the way he loves me with a kid thats bound to be the next ted bundy that i slowly find im not giving a fuck about.

leave it all.


leave it all behind.

i would if i had somewhere to go, but i dont and im stuck in this crazy house.

If i could find a place where its only $200-$400/mo i could do it. Nowhere to find that in MY city though

plus all the other crap and stuff going on, how can i not go insane?

falling falling will anyone catch me?

Alright, here's the deal...in N.A. they give out several suggestions, go to 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, find a home group, get phone numbers and dial them not file them. I've basically done all of those suggestions. There is one that i didn't follow which was men with the men and women with the women, I'm friends with both women and men in the rooms. I don't discriminate against anyone regardless of age, race,sexual identity, religion, or lack of religon. I will especially not discriminate against gender. But the issue is that other people in the rooms look at me being friends with the guys as me "flirting" with them. It's such bullshit. I can't be friendly with guys without them thinking that I "get around". It's kind of hurtful. I keep brushing it off as them being ignorant but it does honestly bother me. I have every right to voice my opinion about this. Maybe I should share about it at a meeting where these judgers are present.
One thing is sure...I have not hooked up with anyone in the rooms and will not hook up with them. God I'm in a relationship for Christ Sakes!!
But no matter what I will continue being me no matter what other people thing. I am me, some like me, some don't, but no matter what, I will still be me!!!

More people showed up today. I really wish that I could become friends with these girls because they're so much like me and understand how I am. Unfortunately we're not supposed to have personal relationships with each other while we're in therapy. I can totally understand why though. All of us tend to have intense relationships and it would interfere with therapy to have a friend in the same group. I can become friends with them after graduation though, which will be nice. I really need people around here that can understand me like they can.

One girl did graduate today. I was happy for her and she seems to have come a loooong way since she started but I was also kind of sad because she seems really cool and this was the only time I met her. I guess I just really want friends that aren't fake and that know what I'm going through and they all totally do.

It's awesome to have their support and to get advice from them about certain things. I feel almost like we're sort of a family or something.

It also surprises me how candid and open I'm able to be there. My anxiety doesn't seem to be an issue because I know that they aren't judging me at all. It's a breath of fresh air.

We don't have DBT for the next 2 weeks because of the holidays and I really think I'm going to miss it. I'm going to look up some mindfulness exercises online to help me while I'm off.

Im looking for the best potentiates of roxicodone such as grapefruit juice , cimitide. What way can you get the highest off one blue ( 30 mg roxicodone )

i seem to have this silly idea that if i get drunk, time will stop. or at least, the time for me to move back to ohio will be postponed. however, its not working

so yeah, i need to sort out my thoughts right fast.

What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.

12/18/09 5:16 PM

Typically, I obsess on things that are 'unknowns' and I just think and think and think. The more I think (obsess) the more unrealistic the situation I am dwelling on becomes. I become angry and this anger quickly turns to hatred and rage. Sometimes it turns into feelings of low self-worth and my anger and rage becomes a hatred of myself.

The following example relates to the situation in Question 2:

A friend of mine went missing for five days. Not knowing what was happening with and/or to her drove me nuts. I actually felt like I was going crazy (http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/blog.php?b=2028). I was COMPLETELY obsessing about the unknown and imagined her dead on the curb, being gang raped, wandering the streets of North Philly, being manipulated or mutilated in a dumpster. She was, in actuality, just getting high with someone from her past who was manipulating/controlling her to satisfy his own ego.

As to what its like when I obsess, its horrible. I lose touch with reality. I feel extreme discomfort in not knowing. I find it impossible to sleep due to my raging thoughts and I feel as if I am being intentionally hurt by others. This perceived hurt is increased exponentially by my belief that whoever is involved in this hurt towards me is doing it because they know exactly how to bring me emotional pain in the worst, most effective manner. I often feel that these 'hurts' that they bring to me are unwarranted, unjustified and done simply because they CAN do it.

The fucked up thing about it is that once I start obsessing I find that I obsess even more in a failed attempt to stop it or to get out of my head.

12/19/09 4:44 PM

I was on Facebook and saw that my ex ('M') commented on a mutual friend's status update. I was curious so I viewed 'M's' Facebook page. She is listed as in a relationship.

The obsession begins again...

I immediately NEEDED to know more. Who is he? What does he look like? What does he do for a living? Is he controlling? Is he using her? Is he manipulating? Is she happy? Is he better in bed than me? Does she love him? Why did she contact me the day before she labeled herself as 'in a relationship'?

WTF?

I mostly believe that we do not belong together. I honestly believe that I don't meet her standards (economically mostly). This hurts me because I am a good person that is capable of making a very decent living. I take her lack of faith in me as an insult but it shouldn't matter at this point, right? I loved her greatly but there were many illusions created by her and myself. Once the illusions started to be seen through for what they were, the reality caused pain.

The Pattern

Apparently there is a pattern in my obsessive thinking. That it seems to involve females strikes me first and foremost. Insecurity perhaps?

The obsessive thinking ALWAYS causes pain and it twists realities in my thoughts. Once again, NOT KNOWING, is truly a part of my obsessions. Many things simply are none of my business but I try to make them mine. I AM powerless over people, places and things. Why do I try NOT to be?

I sat in the freezing cold,fridgid cold hoping you'd at least confront me face to face to let me down in the least or be friends and have fun or at the best....what i wished. Nothing, no show, no phone call, nothing except a short 1-2 line email.
Thank you so much. I tell you I love you with all my heart and soul no matter where you are in life, no matter your job, no matter the drugs no matter if you even love me back, that I love you UNCONDITIONALLY and will for as long as i got the Taurus fight in me.

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would feel
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those golden brown eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with

Click to expand...

At least I know not to try again on Monday, since you don;t care anymore, in the least. I would stand out in the frigid cold ALL DAY if you asked of me, thats how much i care. but i get this in return. thanks.

Thanks, I thought at least you would be honarable and not let me freeze my ass off.

I guess I truely do mean fuck all. Thanks.

I still am foolishly in love with you and will be for a long time no matter what unconditionally.

I don't know if I want to cry from my foolishness or be angry....or just fuck it all and just nothing.

I am still ice cold after being home 20mins after spending 2hrs in the frigid cold.

I don't think I'll warm up anytime soon, why bother.

Thanks alot D, you really disappointed me. in so many ways.

I even got all girlyu dressed up for you, something Ive done for NO man.

not like you'll read this anyhow. but whatevs.


P.S. I LOVE YOU

"Wait For You"

[Verse 1]

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then I can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

[Bridge]

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

[Verse 2]

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

[Bridge]

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

[Bridge]

So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing I do

[Chorus]

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting.

Click to expand...

why does heartbreak have to feel so literal? my chest hurts so bad, i cant even swallow or think past my ramblings.

fuck my meds, all they really do is knock me out, I dont want to sleep tonight.

Just gonna sit here and listen to music.


as foolish and childish as this sounds, ive dreamed us like the ending sequence of Twilight (the first one) where they dance and talk and kiss at the prom. Right now I could sit here for hours and just listen to your voice. I miss you so bad, its been only a month since ive seen or heard your voice but i miss u so fucking bad that im starting to get retarded again. I just miss you. I love you bru


Oh yeah Terry is dying of prostate cancer...so i just got double the fuck you tonight.

Believe in god they say.....believe in true love they say...... why dont i just velieve in santa while im at it.

Im still in my "good mood" phase but I'm starting to get pissed off.

Some chick is trying to say my ex (son's father) has been sending her naked photos, which he hasn't cause I even check phone and such, not that I cared but he wanted to prove to me and all....for some reason.

For some reason this chick is trying to cause shit.
Fuck her.

I'm starting to feel used for my cash flow now too. If you don't want to be my friend or hang out or ACTUALLY be my friend don't fuck with my head and make excuses until I get money then all of a sudden I'm worthy to hang out with. No I don;t roll like that.

You don;t want to hang with me broke or with cash, then fuck you.

Im not into users.

Not into dumb bitches either.

SO everyone that wants to fuck me over, fuck you and your high horse.

Not towards anyone on here or might have been on here or might BE on here. Just people who think they can play with me and fuck around with me. Fuck you all.

All I want/need is truth, and if you don't like me and don;t want to hang with me. Dont fucking wait till I have some cash, help me blow it, then oops tooo busy for you again until I get money again.

Fucking people in this world. What the fuck? Really? Its called honesty and respect and being a good person.

Fuck all you players.

I haven’t had the time to write in this thing lately, so much shit has been going on I find myself sleeping and stressing…which doesn’t change the outcome of my situation but I do it out of habit. Speaking of habit I might as well start with the fallout between me and my hook.

Awhile ago I was trying to cop early in the morning, well I guess not that early but around nine or so. I told him to meet me at the typical stop and I asked him how long he would be. “30 minutes” he says. I give him an hour and ten minutes then call back “10 minutes” he says. Another hour goes by and I call again, this time he goes off on me pretty much saying goodbye and I can find another heroin/coke dealer. This forced me to go back on my suboxone and now with no convenient access to blow I jones hardcore for it every once in awhile. I’m considering calling him again and see if he will meet me, I guess the worst he could say is no. How is it I was able to have all the drugs I wanted as long as I had the money, now I can’t find any (decent quality at least) without having to go through fucking hoops. Guess you can really go to sleep with everything and wake up with nothing.

On an even shitter note…court. I went the other day and waited over two hours in the fucking court room and to top it off the DA lost my file and had to find it at the very end of doing everything else. Then the fucker tells me that they can’t even offer me anything!!! What the fuck dude!? Reason was because it was an accident, he can’t offer anything and that goes with any accident, not just my case (or that’s what he said). They re-scheduled court for next week and told me to go apply for a public defender and now I have to go back to that court house the day before xmas. How fucking gay is that? I still haven’t made it to the public defender’s office and I don’t have much longer before court, but they said that as long as I go in before my trial I’m good.

I said that a lil while ago.... nooooo im not getting



insane, insane, insane in the membrane..... HAHA

old skool shit, gotta loves it.

I bought poppy pods tonight, simply because I know that they'll stop me from mutilating myself more than I have been.

I'm going to try to control myself with them. I have to, I can't afford not to.