Blogs

Alright, here's the deal...in N.A. they give out several suggestions, go to 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, find a home group, get phone numbers and dial them not file them. I've basically done all of those suggestions. There is one that i didn't follow which was men with the men and women with the women, I'm friends with both women and men in the rooms. I don't discriminate against anyone regardless of age, race,sexual identity, religion, or lack of religon. I will especially not discriminate against gender. But the issue is that other people in the rooms look at me being friends with the guys as me "flirting" with them. It's such bullshit. I can't be friendly with guys without them thinking that I "get around". It's kind of hurtful. I keep brushing it off as them being ignorant but it does honestly bother me. I have every right to voice my opinion about this. Maybe I should share about it at a meeting where these judgers are present.
One thing is sure...I have not hooked up with anyone in the rooms and will not hook up with them. God I'm in a relationship for Christ Sakes!!
But no matter what I will continue being me no matter what other people thing. I am me, some like me, some don't, but no matter what, I will still be me!!!

More people showed up today. I really wish that I could become friends with these girls because they're so much like me and understand how I am. Unfortunately we're not supposed to have personal relationships with each other while we're in therapy. I can totally understand why though. All of us tend to have intense relationships and it would interfere with therapy to have a friend in the same group. I can become friends with them after graduation though, which will be nice. I really need people around here that can understand me like they can.

One girl did graduate today. I was happy for her and she seems to have come a loooong way since she started but I was also kind of sad because she seems really cool and this was the only time I met her. I guess I just really want friends that aren't fake and that know what I'm going through and they all totally do.

It's awesome to have their support and to get advice from them about certain things. I feel almost like we're sort of a family or something.

It also surprises me how candid and open I'm able to be there. My anxiety doesn't seem to be an issue because I know that they aren't judging me at all. It's a breath of fresh air.

We don't have DBT for the next 2 weeks because of the holidays and I really think I'm going to miss it. I'm going to look up some mindfulness exercises online to help me while I'm off.

Im looking for the best potentiates of roxicodone such as grapefruit juice , cimitide. What way can you get the highest off one blue ( 30 mg roxicodone )

i seem to have this silly idea that if i get drunk, time will stop. or at least, the time for me to move back to ohio will be postponed. however, its not working

so yeah, i need to sort out my thoughts right fast.

What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.

12/18/09 5:16 PM

Typically, I obsess on things that are 'unknowns' and I just think and think and think. The more I think (obsess) the more unrealistic the situation I am dwelling on becomes. I become angry and this anger quickly turns to hatred and rage. Sometimes it turns into feelings of low self-worth and my anger and rage becomes a hatred of myself.

The following example relates to the situation in Question 2:

A friend of mine went missing for five days. Not knowing what was happening with and/or to her drove me nuts. I actually felt like I was going crazy (http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/blog.php?b=2028). I was COMPLETELY obsessing about the unknown and imagined her dead on the curb, being gang raped, wandering the streets of North Philly, being manipulated or mutilated in a dumpster. She was, in actuality, just getting high with someone from her past who was manipulating/controlling her to satisfy his own ego.

As to what its like when I obsess, its horrible. I lose touch with reality. I feel extreme discomfort in not knowing. I find it impossible to sleep due to my raging thoughts and I feel as if I am being intentionally hurt by others. This perceived hurt is increased exponentially by my belief that whoever is involved in this hurt towards me is doing it because they know exactly how to bring me emotional pain in the worst, most effective manner. I often feel that these 'hurts' that they bring to me are unwarranted, unjustified and done simply because they CAN do it.

The fucked up thing about it is that once I start obsessing I find that I obsess even more in a failed attempt to stop it or to get out of my head.

12/19/09 4:44 PM

I was on Facebook and saw that my ex ('M') commented on a mutual friend's status update. I was curious so I viewed 'M's' Facebook page. She is listed as in a relationship.

The obsession begins again...

I immediately NEEDED to know more. Who is he? What does he look like? What does he do for a living? Is he controlling? Is he using her? Is he manipulating? Is she happy? Is he better in bed than me? Does she love him? Why did she contact me the day before she labeled herself as 'in a relationship'?

WTF?

I mostly believe that we do not belong together. I honestly believe that I don't meet her standards (economically mostly). This hurts me because I am a good person that is capable of making a very decent living. I take her lack of faith in me as an insult but it shouldn't matter at this point, right? I loved her greatly but there were many illusions created by her and myself. Once the illusions started to be seen through for what they were, the reality caused pain.

The Pattern

Apparently there is a pattern in my obsessive thinking. That it seems to involve females strikes me first and foremost. Insecurity perhaps?

The obsessive thinking ALWAYS causes pain and it twists realities in my thoughts. Once again, NOT KNOWING, is truly a part of my obsessions. Many things simply are none of my business but I try to make them mine. I AM powerless over people, places and things. Why do I try NOT to be?

I sat in the freezing cold,fridgid cold hoping you'd at least confront me face to face to let me down in the least or be friends and have fun or at the best....what i wished. Nothing, no show, no phone call, nothing except a short 1-2 line email.
Thank you so much. I tell you I love you with all my heart and soul no matter where you are in life, no matter your job, no matter the drugs no matter if you even love me back, that I love you UNCONDITIONALLY and will for as long as i got the Taurus fight in me.

I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair would feel
I miss the power of your kiss when we made love
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those golden brown eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with

Click to expand...

At least I know not to try again on Monday, since you don;t care anymore, in the least. I would stand out in the frigid cold ALL DAY if you asked of me, thats how much i care. but i get this in return. thanks.

Thanks, I thought at least you would be honarable and not let me freeze my ass off.

I guess I truely do mean fuck all. Thanks.

I still am foolishly in love with you and will be for a long time no matter what unconditionally.

I don't know if I want to cry from my foolishness or be angry....or just fuck it all and just nothing.

I am still ice cold after being home 20mins after spending 2hrs in the frigid cold.

I don't think I'll warm up anytime soon, why bother.

Thanks alot D, you really disappointed me. in so many ways.

I even got all girlyu dressed up for you, something Ive done for NO man.

not like you'll read this anyhow. but whatevs.


P.S. I LOVE YOU

"Wait For You"

[Verse 1]

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldn't give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then I can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

[Bridge]

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

[Verse 2]

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

[Bridge]

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

[Bridge]

So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing I do

[Chorus]

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting.

Click to expand...

why does heartbreak have to feel so literal? my chest hurts so bad, i cant even swallow or think past my ramblings.

fuck my meds, all they really do is knock me out, I dont want to sleep tonight.

Just gonna sit here and listen to music.


as foolish and childish as this sounds, ive dreamed us like the ending sequence of Twilight (the first one) where they dance and talk and kiss at the prom. Right now I could sit here for hours and just listen to your voice. I miss you so bad, its been only a month since ive seen or heard your voice but i miss u so fucking bad that im starting to get retarded again. I just miss you. I love you bru


Oh yeah Terry is dying of prostate cancer...so i just got double the fuck you tonight.

Believe in god they say.....believe in true love they say...... why dont i just velieve in santa while im at it.

Im still in my "good mood" phase but I'm starting to get pissed off.

Some chick is trying to say my ex (son's father) has been sending her naked photos, which he hasn't cause I even check phone and such, not that I cared but he wanted to prove to me and all....for some reason.

For some reason this chick is trying to cause shit.
Fuck her.

I'm starting to feel used for my cash flow now too. If you don't want to be my friend or hang out or ACTUALLY be my friend don't fuck with my head and make excuses until I get money then all of a sudden I'm worthy to hang out with. No I don;t roll like that.

You don;t want to hang with me broke or with cash, then fuck you.

Im not into users.

Not into dumb bitches either.

SO everyone that wants to fuck me over, fuck you and your high horse.

Not towards anyone on here or might have been on here or might BE on here. Just people who think they can play with me and fuck around with me. Fuck you all.

All I want/need is truth, and if you don't like me and don;t want to hang with me. Dont fucking wait till I have some cash, help me blow it, then oops tooo busy for you again until I get money again.

Fucking people in this world. What the fuck? Really? Its called honesty and respect and being a good person.

Fuck all you players.

I haven’t had the time to write in this thing lately, so much shit has been going on I find myself sleeping and stressing…which doesn’t change the outcome of my situation but I do it out of habit. Speaking of habit I might as well start with the fallout between me and my hook.

Awhile ago I was trying to cop early in the morning, well I guess not that early but around nine or so. I told him to meet me at the typical stop and I asked him how long he would be. “30 minutes” he says. I give him an hour and ten minutes then call back “10 minutes” he says. Another hour goes by and I call again, this time he goes off on me pretty much saying goodbye and I can find another heroin/coke dealer. This forced me to go back on my suboxone and now with no convenient access to blow I jones hardcore for it every once in awhile. I’m considering calling him again and see if he will meet me, I guess the worst he could say is no. How is it I was able to have all the drugs I wanted as long as I had the money, now I can’t find any (decent quality at least) without having to go through fucking hoops. Guess you can really go to sleep with everything and wake up with nothing.

On an even shitter note…court. I went the other day and waited over two hours in the fucking court room and to top it off the DA lost my file and had to find it at the very end of doing everything else. Then the fucker tells me that they can’t even offer me anything!!! What the fuck dude!? Reason was because it was an accident, he can’t offer anything and that goes with any accident, not just my case (or that’s what he said). They re-scheduled court for next week and told me to go apply for a public defender and now I have to go back to that court house the day before xmas. How fucking gay is that? I still haven’t made it to the public defender’s office and I don’t have much longer before court, but they said that as long as I go in before my trial I’m good.

I said that a lil while ago.... nooooo im not getting



insane, insane, insane in the membrane..... HAHA

old skool shit, gotta loves it.

I bought poppy pods tonight, simply because I know that they'll stop me from mutilating myself more than I have been.

I'm going to try to control myself with them. I have to, I can't afford not to.

Recently the only way I can sleep is by taking 200 mgs of Lyrica and a gram of Valerian root.

I wish I had xanax or ambien, or both.

And the only way I will work on studying for the accuplacer and look for a job is 20-40 + mgs of Adderall.

UGH what is wrong with me!

So, my babies are doing good...grrr, hope they're all girls...been playing them a lot of zeppelin...i think its good for their chi...

Hey this might be my last time online for a while, got my warm trippled layerd cloths, and got all my stuff packed, all of it, fuck my room and cleaning, i got everything pretty much together.
I guess this means goodbye,
I'll be thinking of yal,

Drew

i called on you
and you werent there
the one person i thought i could count on,
the one person i thought would care

I just want to apologize for flooding the front page of the 'Blogs' section when I posted my story. You see, I had these already typed up on another blog located @ http://skinny.snoogins.net so I just copied them over to BL. I wasn't aware that they would occupy the whole page for the whole day.

So I just want to say a big I'M SORRY for doing that. If I was aware that was going to happen, I would not have posted them all at once. Sorry, again, and I assure you it will not happen again. Thanks Mods for not deleting my entries though. However, if you would have, I would have completely understood.

-legz

BEFORE READING THIS: Please note that I am not discrediting god in any way shape or form, I am simply putting this 'death' into terms.
　
When you think of something dying, you think of it withering away and being non-existant. But what really is dying?


Everything in existance is a cycle. As time passes by and time grows older - so does matter. One thing i've noticed though, is that nothing really ever 'dies'. Take living creatures for example. When we die, we become a nutrient to something else. Whether that be another organism, or fertilizer for the ground to create something new again; such as a plant, a mineral, or even a new organism!


Why do I say new organism? Well, lets say we die and our bodies deteriorate and fertilize the earth, creating a plant. A creature eats the plant, and it keeps the creature alive by metabolizing the nutrients it got from the plant. Even the fecal matter/waste produced by an organism isn't just waste, it has a purpose to. Fertilization. So in reality, we are all connected, we are all a part of each other. There is no diffferent species really, there is no different anything. We are simply one with another.


Most things are made of organic material. One organism, living or non-living, fed off of another organism to survive. In turn that organism gave nutrients to the living somehow, whether that being food for another predator, or simply dying and replenishing the earth. But nobody can deny this evidence, not only does it agree with the laws of physics but it's just common sense for any intelligent person who wants to sit down and think about the cycle of life and evolution.


You could even take the sun for example. It goes through a process, it might be a very long one, but eventually it dies. But when it finally blasts into a supernova, throwing back out minerals into space, the minerals are used to create new galaxies and such. Just like Newton's law, matter is never created or destroyed.


Well, I think that I need to add something to that quote. Matter is never created or destroyed, it is simply recycled.


Of course though, that always leaves questions like If matter is never created, and is always recycled, well then how did it come to be created in the first place? That's where god comes into plan.


So what happens when we 'die'?


Do we return in another form?
I don't believe that ourselves truly do. Instead, we return in many different forms. It's like, all of the matter and materials that as once us will eventually be given back to the earth are used to create other things. So in a sense, we are reborn, just not the way people really think. Part of us could be a fish, while another part could be a tree, or the plastic my laptop was made of(despite the fact that some plastic is synthetic people forget that synthetic materials aren't actually created from scratch, but just natural elements mixed and thrown together creating a new, man-made substance) There's an infinate amount of possibilities.


Of course we won't know who/what we were before, but a part of us will always become a part of something else in the future. I don't believe in reincarnation, because when we are 'reborn' we aren't reborn into another body/animal/plant completely. Let's say our bodies would represent a full, 100% circle graph. When we die it's broken down into abobut 100 different percentages/pieces, and those pieces are connected with other pieces to create new life. So actually we're 'reborn' several times into many different forms, as our nutrients are seperated. And other forms of life come together with those individual pieces until it makes the circle graph, an organism, full again.


Since the dawn of time mankind has searched for the clues to eternal life, and I have one simple answer. There is no such thing as eternal life, but life IS eternal. We all actually do live forever, we're just recycled and made into new things, sort of like recycling aluminum.. i guess you could say. Haha.


So my answer to "What really is dying?" is simply: The only thing non-existant about dying is death itself. Truly we all really do live forever.



Speaking of all this though, i mean it completely in the physical sense. It might seem hypocritical to say this, but once again, Answering this raises so many more questions than the question itself, and but once again some questions can never be answered.

When people think about something being intelligent, they think about it being calm, collected, sophisticated, and well.. boring. Being only apathetic really. And of course, you have those 'hybrid' minds who are fun, outgoing, crazy and sometimes stupid, but are actually quite smart.

But lets forget the normal cliches and just think about it for a second. The word 'intelligent' could be broken down into so many different categories. For instance, a person with autism may not be able to function correctly in what we call a normal world, but it's proven that 80% of them are genuises. Ironic to the normal thinker? Haha I believe so.

Lets say Jim over here is pretty forgetful, and isn't good with tests at school. But in his mind he's able to analyze everything into ratios and formulas and answer problems that to most of us would be unknown. While Lacy on the other hand has a photogenic memory and can remember things easily, but she lacks the capibility to actually understand how things work and can't analyze things if it could save her life.

And then of course, theres the artistic people that can't think or memorize at all, but could paint a brilliant masterpiece; or produce a symphony, ect.

Intelligence comes in many shapes in sizes. People shouldn't just be considered smart because they can remember things or because they are good at bookwork. Unless your iq is below 80, all of us have a form of higher intelligence in our brains, whatever that may be.

It all boils down to what part of the brain is active the most.
Some of us know what that is, some of us don't. Me, im an analyzer and an artist, even though my memory isn't worth a dime. Haha. What does that mean? Well I actually did some tests a few months ago that told me that instead of using one side of the brain more than the other, im in the middle. What a great place to be, in between things. hahaha.

The whole point of this blog is to put the thought in your head that everybody is smart, and you should find out what type of smart you are. Come on, your on myspace, that automatically tells me your bored out of your mind. So why not go for it?

Take a deep breath, and look into your own mind and see what kind of person you are. Look some stuff up, go to a college/psycologist/healer and take some tests.
Experiment.

I know what type of person I am, but do you?

We all went to a school where everyone hated you; but now that we've gotten to know the real you, your gaining friends by the day.
You bring me happiness, yet you ask for nothing in return.
After hanging out, you tend to linger for a while.. but that's okay, because friends are supposed to stay tight.
You've opened my mind to so many levels, it's like when we talk im a more intelligent being.
Listening to music becomes so much deeper when your around.
Every time you come over I feel myself going to the kitchen a lot more, but again thats okay. More the reason to make a zesty feast for my dinner guests
We can go weeks without talking, and still be as tight as we were before.
Your forgiving and kind, gentle and sincere.
We've had some damn good times together.
Your a friend that bonds in a special way, and you've helped me connect to my inner self the way nobody else has.
Hell, you even connect me to new friends.
When your around it's like everything is okay, and everyone around me is just as happy as we are.
We've never been a fight, and we've never argued.
I'll admit you've got me in some trouble in the past, but it's okay because they just don't understand.
The day we get to chill every day without having to do it in secret, we will throw the biggest party known to man.
I've only celebrated your birthday for a couple years now.
Some people take advantage of you, but I never will. We're close for all the right reasons.
I consider you a gift from god.
I wish I could show the world what a great person you are, and that none of the rumors are true.
When I first met you I didn't like you at all, but the more I got to know you the closer we got.
Sometimes the people who hang around you make bad decisions.. and I regret that. But it's not your fault, it's theirs.
You'll continue to make people happy even when im long gone.
Your not a big part of my life, but you're a damn good chunk.

Your a great person man. I hope we can be friends for a long long time.

Brand: Medicali
Features:

• Down-stem diffuser [came w/pipe]
• Ash catcher [$80]
• Ice catch [ part of pipe]
• Water pipe [$110.00]
• Case [$10.00]

With the past two paychecks I got I saved up and got me this Medicali pipe I saw at a head shop I drive by on the way to work (Heads of State). So far I love it, one of the smoothest bong's I've hit out of which is a good sign! I'm planning on buying all the Medicali products in the head shops around Denver I can find so that I have a collection of matching pipes.

They also had this sick cigarette case I got on sale, I've been looking for a good case for months but all the ones I've seen are made of cheap metal and I didn't really ever care much for the designs. This one is nice because it's made of heavy metal that's very durable plus I love the color and logo on it. Check it out...

Happy toking!

is........
Winter!




I think I will be posting photos for this round
We got our first snowfall yesterday!

hey all, well tommoro is the day, got someone coming to get me, and take me to a homeless shelter until a bed opens at a rehab.
I have no idea what to expect, I've never been in a homeless shelter before. I don't even know where to begin. but I've got willingness to get over this bump. I cant keep going by my ways to stay sane and sober.
Its a place to go, since I've got no where else to go, I need that Humility to be able to get through life, I can hopefully look back at this and glad I'm not there anymore.

I have no idea what to expect here, Don't know If I will have internet or what, so if you don't hear from me it doesn't mean I'm dead. Hopefully trying to tame the beast, and be sober for once in my life. and to be happy.

Thanks to all who has helped me and given me resources. You will always be a friend to me,

much love,
Drew

12/14/09 6:10 PM

disease - abnormal condition; illness
(source: dictionary.com [mobile version])

addiction - the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

Has my disease been active recently? In what way?

I've been getting angry and obsessive over people I have no power or control over. There's this guy that hurt someone I care about. He believes he is 'the shit' and can do anything he wants without repercussions. He buys his friends and uses people like the person he hurt to inflate his ego. I want to deliver consequences to him in many ways (VIOLENCE, monetary, slander) but I know it isn't up to me. Its MY ego that wants to hurt HIS ego. I just need to be patient and let my higher power handle it. I just wish I could be a fly on the wall when he gets 'balanced' out.

somebody i really like and am getting really fucking attached to is moving to colombia at the end of the week. i hate this, i dont even know them too well and im not sure if they like me or not. i fucking hate this and i hate getting attached to people all the fucking time.

My heroin habit got so bad that I spent my student loan money on the shit--then I spent most of my regular income on it. When that failed, I had to resort to burglary, something I would NEVER do. But it was a desperate act by a desperate junkie.
Fast forwarding to later that night, I was brought in for questioning on account of eyewitness reports. I was nodding and leaning throughout the whole interrogation--that really pissed them off. But I must've told them what they wanted to hear--I was promptly jailed.
Detoxing in jail was an absolutely horrific experience. Let's just say I spent about a week curled up in the fetal position in my bunk. I need not describe the symptoms, most of you already know what they are like.
I was released on a signature bond two weeks later. FREEDOM!
When the cops came a-knockin at my door the night I was arrested, I had stashed $200 worth of heroin into the bathroom exhaust fan. It was still there when I got back. My veins were yearning for it.
But...
I called my mom into the bathroom, showed her the baggies and explained to her that it was a good quantity of heroin. She said okay, what are you saying? Then I threw the baggies into the toilet and flushed it, making sure she was watching. I handed over my package of 1cc insulin spikes.
"Mom," said I, "I need you and my wife (seperated, hence me living with mom for the time being) to commit me to substance abuse treatment. I have a serious problem that I cannot resolve on my own."
She was so happy there were tears in her eyes.
I spent four days in the hospital while they did urine and blood tests, checking for hep, HIV, all that good shit since I was an IV user. They nursed me back to health with nourishing meals and lots of vitamins.
On the fourth day, they held an impromptu "court" in a conference room--myself, two lawyers, my psychiatrist, my mother and a sherriff. My psychiatrist told them I was suffering from severe opioid dependency and it was in my best interest to be referred to a residential facility.
I rode in the sherriff's car for an hour and a half to get to rehab.
Long story short, half the shit they preached in there I already knew--either through school or "first hand" knowledge, but the important thing is I learned a great deal about myself.
28 days later, I'm back home. Been home for two weeks. 45 days clean and sober. Off the gear, finally. Now I need to keep it that way, or the consequences will be disastrous.
If a heroin user is reading this who wants to stop, you can do it. If I can fucking do it, you can too.