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Over what, exactly, am I powerless?

02/25/10 11:45 PM

Okay, the word ‘exactly’ is being used. That’s a bit unrealistic to ask, dontcha’ think? So, my simple answer is that I am powerless over all people, places and things.

Now, I am also powerless over my thoughts and emotions. I can, to an extent, train my thinking to not dwell on certain thoughts but the initial entrance of any particular thought is beyond my control.

When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why?

02/25/10 5:04 PM

In 1993 I was living with my parents and I was hardcore into snorting coke. I had injected before (2 separate year long stints) but I didn’t know how to shoot up at the time (someone else always played ‘the doctor’).

Anyway, I remember tucking my dog in to bed (he was a cocker spaniel that had this big , blue pillow that he slept on at night) and I started crying because I was contemplating suicide. A voice in my head said ‘You stupid fuck. You want to die but you haven’t even made an attempt at trying to live.’

The next day I told my mom that I had a drug problem and I needed to go to rehab.

I went to rehab 12/09/93 for two weeks, completed an Intensive Outpatient Program, attended three or four NA meetings a week, had a few sponsors that I really didn’t use and stopped going to meetings after about 2 or 3 years.

I managed to stay clean for 5 years before I relapsed for another five years.

At the end of this relapse I had been to Philly jail twice within a month. The last time in jail I heard this dude in the cell next to me yelling ‘But I have 8 years clean! How the fuck you arresting me for drunk driving.’

I was released at the same time as this guy and his wife drove me home. I asked him to be my sponsor and I repeated the same pattern (3 or 4 meetings a week for a few years). I was clean for another five years and relapsed again.

For the details of this particular relapse, refer to the previous question.

Happy birthday to my best friend today! we're normally up to some kind of shenanigans by this time of day, but not this year. it's an odd feeling too, almost an alone feeling.

he's settling into his studio apartment down on the Gold Coast now. hopefully it's not in the ghetto, aka Nerang. i assured him i'll be turning it into a shooting gallery when i come to visit but i don't think he really saw the funny side.

some PAWS have really sunk in today. the lonesome feeling coupled with boredom are never a good mix and i've been thinking up some schemes in my head as to how i could get onto some harder opiates. it's probably a good thing i don't have a car in the driveway at the moment. truth be told i took a small (40mg) doseof temazepam the other day along with a few hundredd mgs of codeine and a few beers just to catch a buzz. i was only craving more during the whole time. gaba inhibitants aren't going to do me any favours at the moment so i'll put out that flame for a bit longer.

my sleep pattern is starting to skew off again. the last 2 nights i've been up till 3am and finally shutting shit off before i crash out. i'm getting solid sleep which is a bonus. RLS definitely gone and i'm comfortably stabilised on taking 150mg SR tramadol in the morning and in the evening. i actually skipped my dose last due to feeling reasonable. suprisingly i wasn't clutching at the pill bottle first thing this morning, a few houes after waking i dosed.

pain hasn't been too much of an issue over the last few days so it's not impeding my sleep. boredom is. and bad sleep hygeine - leaving the tv on, laptop next to me when i'm lying down kinda thing.

i've got things to do but still being sick is a little unmotivating as well. apparently another week of this fucking cough according to the doc, which seems about right from past sickness.

cleaning time now.

somemone help me out my subs were stolen and I have half of a crushed up 10 mg opana er I know how to run, shoot whatever, the IRS its the one that looks like a miniature suboxone, I want to IV I just took some kpans and I thnk 5 mg ived due to my tolereance would put me into a decent enough of a nod to sleep

So - 3 mg Kolonopin - oral
16mg Dilaudid - iv
20mg d-amphetamine salts - oral
SSSSS: Here we go boys and girlsywhirlsys: hahahahaha: Serious:
My suboxones were stolen friday, 90 of them id been trying to ween off faster and was really only taking 2 a day for my monthly scripts and selling some I've been sober for 7 months on subs until this and i'm freaking out i hate doing this shit to myself anymore but to me IV use is the only way to use opiates I hate thinking im only getting 20-40 percent of a 40$ 80 if folks charge like that when I can shoot 16, 24 , 32 mg of dillys get 100% of what I shot and feel 100% better than blowing an OC or Eating it for that matter, I thnk OC's are for people who want other people to know they have habits, and attention drug or a drug that kids use to show they have cash or someting rare, ITS WEAK, SUCKS TO SHOOT, and all of you snorters and poppers who shit talk shooters. <Please do not make light of , or encourage others to harm themselves>

Sorry so how do I IV an Opana ER there has got to be a way to make it through this night.

C$

I'm feelin' a bit down tonight. No biggie though. I'll go to bed soon and tomorrow will be another day with different opportunities.

I dunno, at times I feel like a complete loser. I know that I'm not and that I am still in the process of picking up the pieces of my not too distant past.

Still no job. I've been making some money doing various computer jobs but it isn't steady and it doesn't help with my attempt to get a daily routine, a purpose, something of worth.

I've even been turned down for a job at Radio Shack and a soon to be opening franchise pizzeria. WTF?!?!?! I was making 50k+ towards the end of my addiction and now I can't even qualify for $9 an hour?

Nah, I'm not going to sit in a pool of self-pity, resentment and anger. Fuck that noise. Something will happen soon. I'm sure of it.

It doesn't help that I'm watching (what I find to be) depressing or triggering TV shows such as The Corner, The Wire and... get this... I also find Law and Order SVU depressing.

Bah! I'm no fuckin' loser. I'm just in a slump in a fucked up economy. Ya know what? I have no children so what am I bitching about. There are MANY single mothers and single fathers out there that are out of work that are worse off than me.

Once again, typing my thoughts out has helped me put things in perspective and realize that I'm just fucking with myself.

I've been writing A LOT on my Step work (I have 8 entries in draft status here on BL at the moment) and once again, I'm taking a break.

I see no merit in reliving so much of what I'm trying to put behind me all at once. I DO find merit in looking at myself closely, recognizing patterns and NOT forgetting who I was and can quickly become again (or worse). Small doses is prudent I think.

Oh, I came to a realization recently. I'm thinking I may Blog so much is that I really don't have anyone to talk to in real life. No one that I trust completely that is. I have a sponsor in NA but it isn't his job to listen to my petty bullshit. He's there to help me with the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. Thats it.

Cool deal, I feel better. Tomorrow I will tighten my grip, adjust my stance and find whatever angle it is that I am missing in this job search.

What situation led me to formally work Step One?

02/25/10 4:31 PM

There was no ‘situation’ that led me to work this Step. I was actually frustrated that my sponsor had me read ‘Who Is An Addict’ for 30 consecutive days before staring my Step Work. If I missed a day of reading ‘Who Is An Addict’ I started over until I had 30 consecutive days of reading that particular chapter. I have learned discipline, commitment, consistency and a touch of fortitude from following through with the suggested reading

I wanted to start my Step Work for the simple fact of I have a desire to learn more about me. I want to learn good character (what NA calls ‘spiritual principles’) and I want to stay clean.

When are you going to get an avatar?




I wanted to put this out there in the public domain..


I am taking bets.
(is betting against BLUA??, if it is--- that's just plain orwellian!)



Just to mix it up a bit.

Thats what ya get with a bored ms. vines on a saturday nite/sunday mourning.

09-17-2008 00:27
I have a temporary sponsor now. I had sponsors before but I never used them. I always worked steps 1 through 3 by myself which means i used my own warped interpretations of their true purpose and meanings.

Looking back this tells me that, essentially, i've worked no steps whatsoever.

If I don't fall into old patterns of isolation, laziness, cockiness and poor meeting attendance, i might start getting well.

Time will tell

09-27-2008 02:19
I don't know exactly how long it has been since i've used. I tried to score but was ripped off and I have actually said 'no' to a dude who offered. It isn't easy but it is getting easier.

I drink beer but haven't been drunk but twice. These two times were when I added tequila to the mix.

I feel good but, at times, my brain messes with me. Feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, painful memories, self-hatred, etc. pop into my head and then i feel a bit depressed.

I have a sponsor but i don't think i'm a very good sponsee. Sometimes i feel like i'm not good enough to be sponsored. We have hit two meetings together and it was pretty cool. Oh! Check this out... ...my sponsor is a Bluelighter! Who woulda' thunk?

I've been speaking with the girl that I left behind when I thought chasing after a careeer was more important. I loved her then but, as I told her tonight, i realizer that that was more of a 'high school love'.

My feelings for her now are something I've never experienced before. This must be what they call true love. Its fucking intense but I'm afraid that my past may steal what I believe would be the perfect relationship from us.

I have a job working for a friend who knows how i am and has seen me actively using as well as actively recovering and I have his (and his family's) support. I spoke with the connect that I owe money to and told him I'd like to send him $50 a week but he just laughed a little and wouldn't give me an address.

I'm starting to feel like a new me. A bit too sensitive perhaps but, even though I'm not good with handling these feelings, at least I am FEELING.

Things I need to work on:
Hitting more meetings
Showing more interest in step work
Selfishness
Patience
Handling cravings
TRUST
**EDIT** Jealousy, Self-confidence, Acceptance, Responsibility

...to name a few.

Its gettin' better!

05-17-2009 14:28
So, I picked up again.I was feeling good and felt like 'one more time'. I have a lot of experience that tells me that there is no such thing as a last time

.A couple of days into my stupid decision, I was shooting coke and was rather paranoid. My girlfriend called and texted me a bunch of times and I didn't reply (I was fucked up)

.I had both locks on the door as well as the chain. I had done a nice shot of the last of my shit and was sitting on the floor of my bedroom leaning against the bed. The lights were off in my room. I had the closet light on with the door slightly open to allow a bit of light into the room.I heard someone at the door. My girl came over and was able to reach her hand inside the door and undo the chain.I knew what was coming when I heard the steps creek that led upstairs. I startled her when she got to the bedroom door. The light from the closet was angled directly where I was sitting on the floor. I was sweaty, shaky and my heart was pounding.I told her I fucked up and that I was shootin' coke.

She was devastated. I lied and hurt her. The deceit is what is most hurtful, I believe. I lied to her and we were doing so well.The next day when I was at work, 'M' came to my house and found my needles, spoons, empty bags, weed pipe, plastic weed containers and, worst of all, bloody paper towels. She also saw blood droplets on the kitchen floor.She came to my work and confronted me. I made her cry from this bullshit decision. She was furious, hurt, deceived and betrayed. I never wanted to hurt her. I wanted to use a little and then stop. Just keep it my own little secret. She is the one person that I feel comfortable and safe telling my secrets to.

I'm an asshole. I hurt her.I will be in a rehab facility in (hopefully) a week. My insurance doesn't cover behavioral health so in order to get funding for treatment I need to get a letter from my insurance company stating that this isn't covered. Once I have that, I need to go to the Welfare Office and get a rejection letter. THEN I can call this place that will give a one-on-one assesment and hopefully pay for the Rehab up the street from me

.I may have destroyed the best thing that could ever happen to me.

08-15-2009 13:11

Rehab and Overdose

Its been about a year since I started this thread. Here's a somewhat positive update.

I received a rejection letter from the Welfare/Social Security Office for medical assistance. I need this letter in order to get placed into rehab by a company called Gaudenzia. I need and want this. I'm tired of hating and hurting myself. I crave stability in all aspects (emotionally, mentally, financially, etc)

I will be taking my rejection letter to Gaudenzia on Monday and they claim to be able to have me in a facility the next day. Its FINALLY time for me to 'man up' and do what's necesarry to repair all the damage I have done (to others and myself). This only starts with rehab. I have A LOT of work to do from that point on.
Yesterday, another BL'er and I were hanging out/shooting up. He did a speedball and I asked him how he was feeling. He responded with something along the lines of 'heaven' or 'total bliss'. He then faded out on me. I yelled at him, smacked his face, dug my knuckles in his chest, threw water on him but he didn't respond. I attemptef mouth to mouth (his breathing was shallow). No response

I called 911 and told them there was an unresponsive person and needed an ambulance. At this point his lips were blue and his face was a grayish color. The 911 operator told me to get him on his side so he didn't choke on his throw up

The paramedics arrived with the police and were able to revive him and take him to the hospital

I had the possibility of facing charges for paraphernalia but I knew the officers that responded and learned today that there would be no charges as long as I went to rehab. Shit, rehab is what I've been working towards for the last two months. No problem there.

NOTE: I have added my blog entries to the original according to how they fit into the timeline. They are not in this entry because it would be like double posting multiple, sometimes lengthy, entries

(if you don't understand, click the comic. you can thank me later.)

that is all.

Oh man this bluelight shit is FIRE!

I've been posting for like 8 hrs straight.

After lurking for years w/out posting.

What did ya'll eva do w/out me.

Off to asleep.

Gonna try and kick this b/l shit tommorow for a bit so I don't become physically dependant!

While I was in hospital, the psychiatrist looking after me said that he doesn't think I have Major Depressive Disorder, or any Axis-I disorder for that matter. He suggested instead that my depression is related to my Borderline Personality Disorder on the Axis-II. I later noticed on my discharge summary that he's officially taken Major Depressive Disorder off my chart, and just kept the Borderline Personality Disorder and Polysubstance Dependence as my diagnoses.

I'm still digesting it all. I'm unsure whether I agree with him or not. Looking at the DSM-IV, I see that suicidal behaviour, affective instability (unstable moods), and chronic feelings of emptiness are all symptoms of BPD. So maybe he's right. Maybe my depressive episodes are merely symptoms of my personality disorder. It honestly wouldn't surprise me, as my BPD symptoms can sometimes get very severe. And I know it's all just labels and stuff, but it does feel good having one less diagnosis on my file.

from fort worth tx
Hello everyone and thank you for all the great info ! ! ! i decided to join to ask about what couldn't find in any currently existing threads,

The Question = what am i doing wrong to keep finding myself in this same dam situation where every source i seem to find decides to start to give me anything but what im in the market 4. A he thinks i'm an idiot, Evan though he knows i do my homework on the product or B just dosn't care about having reliable customers ! i would think i am the ideal customer , i'm persistent on the calendar (meaning he can always count on by orders) i go about things in a very safe manner, always have my end of the deal !!! actually recently i tried to accept dollar per dollar when over the $100 dollar order (my idea from being desperate)thinking foreshore i will defiantly get the good but no! this fool that im currently trading with is so quick to rip me off every dam time ! ! ! im so tired of this shit ;(

i get to sample product A and get product B or C its always a surprise, i find my self wanting to go postal over this ! my pationts are right at the edge but thanks to me having common since i highly doubt i would, (but something in my head feels like its about to snap and it scars me) !!!!

i don't want to go crazy over people like this becouse i know its not worth it but if somthing snaps in my head then donno. i just want the 'treat people with respect so they respect you concept to start showing signs of presents...

So can someone tell me what im doing wrong please , or give me advice on how to deal with this issue would be greatly appreciated... Thanks from fort worth TX

this time i am sure i wrote one that is entirely false

*on the rare occasion that i drink coffee, i salt it instead of adding sugar or cream
*i make spaghetti the day before i plan on eating it, and i prefer it straight from the fridge
*i like my popcorn seasoned with a light sprinkling of sugar, as opposed to salt
*my favorite pizza toppings are prosciutto and sunny side up eggs or mashed potatoes and bacon
*i season uncooked ramen with the included spice packet and eat it as a snack

I will try to explain what's been going on. Its me Crevan, my fiancee braught me my latop.
I suffered a serious 2nd term miscarriage and wasn't willing to carry 2 babies to term for a sillbirth and that bunch of ....... heartbreak. I started having breathing issues while visiting my doctor about the "bleeding" and fainted and went into distress and couldn;t breath right due to what we now know is phnemonia. I am trying to currently cope with losing my girls but I am recieving help from concelors and I have saught help for my anxiety and depression.
While I am not 100% and don't think I will be for awhile, I am better than I was a mere 12hrs ago when I thought I was going to die, and surely WANTED to die. I can;t be on here long as I am beyond exhausted and nurse ratchet will be in around 11am to get me walking. I was only intubated until 6am this morning when I demanded it out and I wasable to breathe somewhat good on my own though I do need some forced air a little. I have no been allowed to eat until my doctor comes in this morning, which has me pissed off cause I am dying for some FOOD! lol
I just wanted to let people know that I am on my way to being better and might not be on this site all that much if at all in the next couple weeks.
I hope everyone is doing well. I am glad to say I am seeking CBT and are hoping that I can be medicine free within the next year HOPING but we have to be realistic and it depends on how I progress.
I hope yo uall are well and enjoying this lovely snow....if you are in snowy cities, like I am...... way too much snow here right now and it looks dreadfully cold outside and I have been told it is. I am glad I am nice and warm in my blankies here

Well if anyone wishes to keep in contact with me you can do so through my email.

As I don;t think I have the energy or will to come on here that much.

Much Love to All

I just wanted to see if other people do this to themselves as well as I do. I mean, life is what we make of it, right? So why stay in painful times and not try to make better ones. I know it's hard, but maybe it's harder to dewell. Maybe we should let the old person die in a sense and become what we want and not let people have control over us.

Strong people make as many mistakes as weak people. Difference is that strong people admit their mistakes, laugh at them, learn from them. That is how they become strong.
~Richard Needham



I want to learn from them and help others. Instead of always playing the victim. I lost a lot of friends by just feeling like I was targeted for a lot of the pain I endured. Instead of moving on and making things as right as I can. No one is targeted, a lot of times bad things happen to good people all the time. My sorrow caused me and my friends a lot of sorrow that I may never be able to make right. I do understand why, but I will still try. I wished I could take a lot of the things I have had happen in my life for many years, and just make them a distant memory instead of dewelling on them. It would have hurt me less in the long run for sure. Instead of playing the victim, I am going to make things right as I can with what I am in control to make right. So slowly try and get my friends back and my life right.

Please don't make my mistake, and if you have, you still have time to change and get your close friends back or family. You always have time no matter what, unless your dead with no breath in your body. I hope to reach you before the guilt kills you. It almost killed me until I began to see my wrongs and realized the world owes me nothing. I used to think it was such a dumb quote that it is better to love for a short time then to never love at all. It is all how you let yourself feel your experiences, and read that quote and REALLY understand it. It is ultimately left up to us and how it effects us.


Sorry for the rant.

If anyone else wants to write down in this thread about how they would like to change the way they feel, and start trying to take some of the responsible for their outcomes or maybe how they can help themselves feel better. It does help more then you know to write it down. It makes you feel less helpless, if you get some control back.

Soooo excited to be hanging with my best girl for 7 days.

I've never had a vacation by myself without MGS or seeing my fam.

I long for the end of next month, but it will go by quickly.

yippey!

My ex-husband, Kevin has been dignosted with stage four Hodgkins cancer. He is having chemo every other week, and had to have surgery not long ago to help with some relief. He has been strong through all of this and he has still made time to see our two daughters pretty good unless he is to sick, but he makes up the time. For Valentines he made them a scap book photo album of him and them from the year before he looked sick. I was so moved by it, I put them away unless they want me to get it out. Which is mostly before bedtime and bedtime prayers.

His currant wife made a web site for him if any of you that may want to send some love in his questbook. He knows all about bluelight, and how much you all mean to me here. Or just monitor his progress with his illness by reading the updates and just be a lurker.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kevintollison1


It is crazy how things work. He never drank in his life, never smoked. He took care of his self never did drugs, hell, he won't even take the pain medications now. Why do these things happen? It makes no sense. I just want he to be here longer for our girls and for his currant wife, and for his self. He is only 36. We all need him.

Hi, I'm "crevan"'s besfriend. She probably would want me to let you guys know what's been going on since her last post.

Well yesterday she wasn't feeling very well and I could tell by talking to her on the phone that something was seriously up with her and mentioned it, when she told me she went without her medication for 2 days then couldn't handle it so went back on but wasn't feeling much better, a little but not what she expected. I knew something was up, so I drove the 2hrs here to Toronto, cause if you don't know "crevan" she would do that for any one of her friends so I got my ass in gear to make sure my pal was okay.

By time I reached her place there was no answer at her door or cellphone. I call up her....whatever is is this day bf/roomate/baby daddy. He was frantic and telling me that she fainted at her lawyers and 9-1-1 had been called. He told me which hospital and I rushed over.

When I arrived she was fighting intubation even though she was almost as blue as her bedroom walls, silly girl, but she has told me about the pain of extubation in the past so i can kind of see why she was "fighting" it. While she couldn't really fight them with being all Oxogyne diprived and weak, she was able to induce her gag reflex and jut her tongue. So from what her ____ told me they were knocking her out so they could intubate her as they tried talking to her but she was clearly fogged over and non-responsive. So I sit in the waiting room with her kid and my baby, when then doctor comes out 3hrs after the fact, nice timing btw doc. but they have her intubated and she was yet to awaken. She had a sezure during intubation, which isn't good at all.

So now at what, 8:30am I am at her place and I open her latop and knew she would want her common ground places to know what's going on.

She has woken briefly but is in and out. Her sats are slightly better this morning from the 7am call I got from her _____.

He has told me NOT to publish the hospital name, because he doesn't want certian people (pppst. Im sorry Dylan I know she would want you to know but I dont want to cause issues) to know. For his own obvious self serving reasons of being a jelous man. Oh well, her bed I always said.

I can if i get enough requests keep up to date on her condition as I her/ know of it. I won't know more until Lunch as it is, but aslast I saw her she was unconcious, intubated and looking like shit. Her ____ told me she was having breathing issues for a couple days and had lost most her hunger but was force feeding herself. Which in turn probably caused one of her issues. She aspirated and now has low saturations and bronchial pneumonia along with going through withdrawal syndrome because they are not giving her, her anxiety medications as they believe (or would like to think) that she was abusing them and so they are just "keeping her comfortable". This morning before I left at 2am to bring the sleeping kids back her saturations had improved but they are still a little lower than doctors would like to see, if things keep progressing well then she might be extubated tomorrow but she has yet to regain concousness to put the doctors and her family at ease. She has been sent for MRI and has no brain trauma and no lesion like she thought she might have, but her EEG readings were unusual (whatever that means).

So I am lucky my gal never logs out of anything on her computer LOL Im not sure about what other sites besides this and craigslist she frequents but I guess her History would tell all and this and craigslist are all she has for about a week. Well besides porn, but thats just her perversion LOL

Well I guess I will write here in the comments when I know more.

Hope you all have a nice day!

Got my court summons this evening, to appear on the 24th. I'm being charged with driving under the influence of a controlled drug, possession of a pipe for the consumption of methamphetamine, possession of a Class A controlled drug (methamphetamine), and dangerous driving (which is bullshit cos I had a fucking seizure from benzo withdrawal - I wasn't deliberately driving dangerously. I've just gotta find some evidence to prove that!). Since I'm unemployed I can get a free lawyer, which I'll probably do tomorrow as I've only got a couple of weeks to get my shit together. Or who knows, maybe I'll get hit by a bus tomorrow which will save me all this frustration...

good evening

so a week on from my first post and i'm trying to catch a small buzz tonight from some tram and extracted codeine. i'm just in the mood to pull an all nighter and catch up on some work i've been neglecting. i should feel a lot more guilty than i do but it's one small indulge. i know, i know, we've all heard that before but the amount of codeine and tramadol i'd have to take to get a full on high isn't worth the nasty side effects i would probably experience from the tramadols sert and DA workngs. i'm not going to try justify my use (especially to a bunch of strangers) but a once a week thing generally works pretty well for me with satisfying the cravings without totally relapsing and going off the walls.

i still haven't bothered about the baclofen as my anxiety has been alright over the last couple iof days. normally i'm pretty uneasy around new people, especially when i'm smoking weed and being at my mates place with her alone, but i've warmed to my friends friend, Sandi. i'd spoken to her on the phone once briefly in the past, other then that i don't really know her apart from the discussions today. she's got some lulz about her which always helps make the tension easier.

today was a bad day for cravings, as you may have guessed from the first paragraph. i read an IV meth thread in OD today and instantly started craving a shot of meth as well which soon after went away. beyond that it hasn't really crossed my mind too aften - meth that is.

all else i have to say is i'm looking into Modafinal for study and attentive puposes. once i do a little research on the subject and see my doctor i'll update on how it went.

also i was reading that old IV codeine thread in ADD today and yesterday so i might go fix myself a shot now

leftwing

Im am 40 hrs into suboxone (or Sah-bax-in if you want to talk like the mass holes) w/d I really only took 2 or three to do a fast, sloppy taper which was painless until it ended but I swear being on subs makes me angry sometimes. I get pissed at anyone who causes me to not to get my way after a few days on it. That is not like me at all and I try to let shit slide but I just stew over shit and become antisocial, better than sick but not ok for the long term.

Then again I've never bupe for more than a week or two straight and I've noticed this side effect only recently.

I don't think that this kick will be that bad but I expect the next 24hrs to be the worse which is a shitty feeling in itself to know that. Lord may this G-13 carry me through.

I'm actually kind'a proud and suprised at my control as I have money in the bank and people calling offering me deals (fuck I swear they sense I'm kicking, never happens otherwise). I'm saving for something non-drug related! Whatta waste!

I'm praying for windfall but this is only temporary and I've always believed that suffering is a part of life as integral as any other.

No, I have not suddenly become religious, to anticipate that question.

I'll try to catch up in here more often, mostly writing on the themes, as this is not my primary blog, but here and there I'll share a personal anecdote. Today it will be that...

I am a rabid fan of George Michael.

He was hugely popular in the 80s, when I was a young child, and I begged my mother to take me to his concert in the Louisiana Superdome in New Orleans, where I was born and lived at the time, when he came to give a concert. I was age 7 and my parents were in the middle of their horrendous divorce. I guilt-tripped her into buying floor tickets instead of paying her lawyer (who was useless anyway and slept with clients, but that's another story - he was disbarred for the same years ago) and then she broke her knee walking down a step at a McDonald's. I think she got a settlement out of it, but I'm not sure and it wouldn't have been substantial - just enough for medical bills. Louisiana's justice system is weird and I like it. Mostly.

I was heartbroken not because my mother broke her knee, but because that meant I probably wouldn't be going to the concert as promised. My father, as he always does to this day (my father is my best friend - he is a GREAT man even when he pisses me off, and I him), stepped up to the plate. He bitched and bawwed a little bit, because he considered George Michael "faggoty" (not that I knew what that was at the time)... but he took me to the concert. I'm sure that had to have been painful for him. I love you Daddy if you're lurking - he does not have a BL screen name but he knows about BL and will donate when he has the means. He lives about 45 minutes from me, which is great because I can hop a train to see him. It is still early, I might fuck off from work early to go have dinner at home. I need to do laundry too and it is free there. It's awful to have panic disorder sometimes, though now that I am on Valium I am so calm I can literally not get angry. Feels good man.

Anyways, back to George Michael. If he was not a gay man with a history of GHB and glory holes, I'd be on that so fast, and I'd get a free pass from my beau. Unfortunately, I'm not a gay man. Why can't George Michael be bi like Elton John? I'd hit that like a trainwreck in the dressing rooms at Hammersmith in London in a fucking heartbeat. I'd even let him blow a line off my boobs, take pics, and not sell them to the Sun.

Oh, yes, and GM as an artist. He was DJing before it became popular. I don't know how to spin records without wrecking them, but luckily my friends mostly can. I'll get a set of tables someday. I admire production in musical works, and GM's flawless. I also like open sexuality without being too explicit in my music (similar to my own sex life which is on hold for now, so I need some kind of outlet). Ohhh yes.

I cheat on GM because he doesn't care and I'd never want a celebrity as a boyfriend permanently, I've never met him and he is gay anyway. He'd probably feel me up because gay men seem to be fascinated by breasts, but my ultimate fantasy will never be realized. I cheat on him with INXS, primarily, in addition to electronic music, particularly vocal trance. One of my friends did a stellar Madonna-INXS mashup. I nearly died of happiness. I'll post it here if he's cool with it, have to ask first. It's sick as fuck and I'm sure at least a few of you would love it.

I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body. It acts up at times, memories of how it became that way... I am certainly not trans, though. I love being female despite the annoyances at times. I also have a career where gender is not an issue as we are all equals - still I am a girly, girly, girl with the mind of a man at times. It's typical of female Aries. So I would never be right for George Michael. He's an Aries too. I get along famously with my own sign (not usually the case, but we Arians can hang together, ask any of my Arian friends), and I wish I could meet George Michael as it would be like a house on fire if only I had a penis.

Michael Hutchence from INXS might comfort me, but he is unfortunately deceased, so I walk alone in this regard for now.

I am back to figuring out what I will do today. It's raining horribly, which does not help, so I may go home to work. Dinner with Dad would be awesome, but I don't have my car with me (it's in his garage) so I have to decide whether the train will trigger a panic attack, and not get shitty on Valium first. 5 mg is even seeming like too much (and I am prescribed a LOT, we'll leave it at that) and I'd rather catch up on volunteer work and mailing two Aquarians their birthday gifts, perfectly wrapped with love, because that's one way I navigate through life these days. With love, affection, affinity, and that applies to platonic friendships too.

If you, my reader, are of similar mind, here are some treats courtesy of Youtube. Both apply to my life at the moment, though I am not ready to say why just yet.

George Michael - Fast Love


George Michael & Elton John - Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me

Yes, this is love, inspiration, sluttiness and profundity all at once. Go, go, go.

Yes, George Michael, if you are ever in a place to fuck women, I'd rock you to your own song.

Horny posa is horny.