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Oh man this bluelight shit is FIRE!

I've been posting for like 8 hrs straight.

After lurking for years w/out posting.

What did ya'll eva do w/out me.

Off to asleep.

Gonna try and kick this b/l shit tommorow for a bit so I don't become physically dependant!

While I was in hospital, the psychiatrist looking after me said that he doesn't think I have Major Depressive Disorder, or any Axis-I disorder for that matter. He suggested instead that my depression is related to my Borderline Personality Disorder on the Axis-II. I later noticed on my discharge summary that he's officially taken Major Depressive Disorder off my chart, and just kept the Borderline Personality Disorder and Polysubstance Dependence as my diagnoses.

I'm still digesting it all. I'm unsure whether I agree with him or not. Looking at the DSM-IV, I see that suicidal behaviour, affective instability (unstable moods), and chronic feelings of emptiness are all symptoms of BPD. So maybe he's right. Maybe my depressive episodes are merely symptoms of my personality disorder. It honestly wouldn't surprise me, as my BPD symptoms can sometimes get very severe. And I know it's all just labels and stuff, but it does feel good having one less diagnosis on my file.

from fort worth tx
Hello everyone and thank you for all the great info ! ! ! i decided to join to ask about what couldn't find in any currently existing threads,

The Question = what am i doing wrong to keep finding myself in this same dam situation where every source i seem to find decides to start to give me anything but what im in the market 4. A he thinks i'm an idiot, Evan though he knows i do my homework on the product or B just dosn't care about having reliable customers ! i would think i am the ideal customer , i'm persistent on the calendar (meaning he can always count on by orders) i go about things in a very safe manner, always have my end of the deal !!! actually recently i tried to accept dollar per dollar when over the $100 dollar order (my idea from being desperate)thinking foreshore i will defiantly get the good but no! this fool that im currently trading with is so quick to rip me off every dam time ! ! ! im so tired of this shit ;(

i get to sample product A and get product B or C its always a surprise, i find my self wanting to go postal over this ! my pationts are right at the edge but thanks to me having common since i highly doubt i would, (but something in my head feels like its about to snap and it scars me) !!!!

i don't want to go crazy over people like this becouse i know its not worth it but if somthing snaps in my head then donno. i just want the 'treat people with respect so they respect you concept to start showing signs of presents...

So can someone tell me what im doing wrong please , or give me advice on how to deal with this issue would be greatly appreciated... Thanks from fort worth TX

this time i am sure i wrote one that is entirely false

*on the rare occasion that i drink coffee, i salt it instead of adding sugar or cream
*i make spaghetti the day before i plan on eating it, and i prefer it straight from the fridge
*i like my popcorn seasoned with a light sprinkling of sugar, as opposed to salt
*my favorite pizza toppings are prosciutto and sunny side up eggs or mashed potatoes and bacon
*i season uncooked ramen with the included spice packet and eat it as a snack

I will try to explain what's been going on. Its me Crevan, my fiancee braught me my latop.
I suffered a serious 2nd term miscarriage and wasn't willing to carry 2 babies to term for a sillbirth and that bunch of ....... heartbreak. I started having breathing issues while visiting my doctor about the "bleeding" and fainted and went into distress and couldn;t breath right due to what we now know is phnemonia. I am trying to currently cope with losing my girls but I am recieving help from concelors and I have saught help for my anxiety and depression.
While I am not 100% and don't think I will be for awhile, I am better than I was a mere 12hrs ago when I thought I was going to die, and surely WANTED to die. I can;t be on here long as I am beyond exhausted and nurse ratchet will be in around 11am to get me walking. I was only intubated until 6am this morning when I demanded it out and I wasable to breathe somewhat good on my own though I do need some forced air a little. I have no been allowed to eat until my doctor comes in this morning, which has me pissed off cause I am dying for some FOOD! lol
I just wanted to let people know that I am on my way to being better and might not be on this site all that much if at all in the next couple weeks.
I hope everyone is doing well. I am glad to say I am seeking CBT and are hoping that I can be medicine free within the next year HOPING but we have to be realistic and it depends on how I progress.
I hope yo uall are well and enjoying this lovely snow....if you are in snowy cities, like I am...... way too much snow here right now and it looks dreadfully cold outside and I have been told it is. I am glad I am nice and warm in my blankies here

Well if anyone wishes to keep in contact with me you can do so through my email.

As I don;t think I have the energy or will to come on here that much.

Much Love to All

I just wanted to see if other people do this to themselves as well as I do. I mean, life is what we make of it, right? So why stay in painful times and not try to make better ones. I know it's hard, but maybe it's harder to dewell. Maybe we should let the old person die in a sense and become what we want and not let people have control over us.

Strong people make as many mistakes as weak people. Difference is that strong people admit their mistakes, laugh at them, learn from them. That is how they become strong.
~Richard Needham



I want to learn from them and help others. Instead of always playing the victim. I lost a lot of friends by just feeling like I was targeted for a lot of the pain I endured. Instead of moving on and making things as right as I can. No one is targeted, a lot of times bad things happen to good people all the time. My sorrow caused me and my friends a lot of sorrow that I may never be able to make right. I do understand why, but I will still try. I wished I could take a lot of the things I have had happen in my life for many years, and just make them a distant memory instead of dewelling on them. It would have hurt me less in the long run for sure. Instead of playing the victim, I am going to make things right as I can with what I am in control to make right. So slowly try and get my friends back and my life right.

Please don't make my mistake, and if you have, you still have time to change and get your close friends back or family. You always have time no matter what, unless your dead with no breath in your body. I hope to reach you before the guilt kills you. It almost killed me until I began to see my wrongs and realized the world owes me nothing. I used to think it was such a dumb quote that it is better to love for a short time then to never love at all. It is all how you let yourself feel your experiences, and read that quote and REALLY understand it. It is ultimately left up to us and how it effects us.


Sorry for the rant.

If anyone else wants to write down in this thread about how they would like to change the way they feel, and start trying to take some of the responsible for their outcomes or maybe how they can help themselves feel better. It does help more then you know to write it down. It makes you feel less helpless, if you get some control back.

Soooo excited to be hanging with my best girl for 7 days.

I've never had a vacation by myself without MGS or seeing my fam.

I long for the end of next month, but it will go by quickly.

yippey!

My ex-husband, Kevin has been dignosted with stage four Hodgkins cancer. He is having chemo every other week, and had to have surgery not long ago to help with some relief. He has been strong through all of this and he has still made time to see our two daughters pretty good unless he is to sick, but he makes up the time. For Valentines he made them a scap book photo album of him and them from the year before he looked sick. I was so moved by it, I put them away unless they want me to get it out. Which is mostly before bedtime and bedtime prayers.

His currant wife made a web site for him if any of you that may want to send some love in his questbook. He knows all about bluelight, and how much you all mean to me here. Or just monitor his progress with his illness by reading the updates and just be a lurker.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kevintollison1


It is crazy how things work. He never drank in his life, never smoked. He took care of his self never did drugs, hell, he won't even take the pain medications now. Why do these things happen? It makes no sense. I just want he to be here longer for our girls and for his currant wife, and for his self. He is only 36. We all need him.

Hi, I'm "crevan"'s besfriend. She probably would want me to let you guys know what's been going on since her last post.

Well yesterday she wasn't feeling very well and I could tell by talking to her on the phone that something was seriously up with her and mentioned it, when she told me she went without her medication for 2 days then couldn't handle it so went back on but wasn't feeling much better, a little but not what she expected. I knew something was up, so I drove the 2hrs here to Toronto, cause if you don't know "crevan" she would do that for any one of her friends so I got my ass in gear to make sure my pal was okay.

By time I reached her place there was no answer at her door or cellphone. I call up her....whatever is is this day bf/roomate/baby daddy. He was frantic and telling me that she fainted at her lawyers and 9-1-1 had been called. He told me which hospital and I rushed over.

When I arrived she was fighting intubation even though she was almost as blue as her bedroom walls, silly girl, but she has told me about the pain of extubation in the past so i can kind of see why she was "fighting" it. While she couldn't really fight them with being all Oxogyne diprived and weak, she was able to induce her gag reflex and jut her tongue. So from what her ____ told me they were knocking her out so they could intubate her as they tried talking to her but she was clearly fogged over and non-responsive. So I sit in the waiting room with her kid and my baby, when then doctor comes out 3hrs after the fact, nice timing btw doc. but they have her intubated and she was yet to awaken. She had a sezure during intubation, which isn't good at all.

So now at what, 8:30am I am at her place and I open her latop and knew she would want her common ground places to know what's going on.

She has woken briefly but is in and out. Her sats are slightly better this morning from the 7am call I got from her _____.

He has told me NOT to publish the hospital name, because he doesn't want certian people (pppst. Im sorry Dylan I know she would want you to know but I dont want to cause issues) to know. For his own obvious self serving reasons of being a jelous man. Oh well, her bed I always said.

I can if i get enough requests keep up to date on her condition as I her/ know of it. I won't know more until Lunch as it is, but aslast I saw her she was unconcious, intubated and looking like shit. Her ____ told me she was having breathing issues for a couple days and had lost most her hunger but was force feeding herself. Which in turn probably caused one of her issues. She aspirated and now has low saturations and bronchial pneumonia along with going through withdrawal syndrome because they are not giving her, her anxiety medications as they believe (or would like to think) that she was abusing them and so they are just "keeping her comfortable". This morning before I left at 2am to bring the sleeping kids back her saturations had improved but they are still a little lower than doctors would like to see, if things keep progressing well then she might be extubated tomorrow but she has yet to regain concousness to put the doctors and her family at ease. She has been sent for MRI and has no brain trauma and no lesion like she thought she might have, but her EEG readings were unusual (whatever that means).

So I am lucky my gal never logs out of anything on her computer LOL Im not sure about what other sites besides this and craigslist she frequents but I guess her History would tell all and this and craigslist are all she has for about a week. Well besides porn, but thats just her perversion LOL

Well I guess I will write here in the comments when I know more.

Hope you all have a nice day!

Got my court summons this evening, to appear on the 24th. I'm being charged with driving under the influence of a controlled drug, possession of a pipe for the consumption of methamphetamine, possession of a Class A controlled drug (methamphetamine), and dangerous driving (which is bullshit cos I had a fucking seizure from benzo withdrawal - I wasn't deliberately driving dangerously. I've just gotta find some evidence to prove that!). Since I'm unemployed I can get a free lawyer, which I'll probably do tomorrow as I've only got a couple of weeks to get my shit together. Or who knows, maybe I'll get hit by a bus tomorrow which will save me all this frustration...

good evening

so a week on from my first post and i'm trying to catch a small buzz tonight from some tram and extracted codeine. i'm just in the mood to pull an all nighter and catch up on some work i've been neglecting. i should feel a lot more guilty than i do but it's one small indulge. i know, i know, we've all heard that before but the amount of codeine and tramadol i'd have to take to get a full on high isn't worth the nasty side effects i would probably experience from the tramadols sert and DA workngs. i'm not going to try justify my use (especially to a bunch of strangers) but a once a week thing generally works pretty well for me with satisfying the cravings without totally relapsing and going off the walls.

i still haven't bothered about the baclofen as my anxiety has been alright over the last couple iof days. normally i'm pretty uneasy around new people, especially when i'm smoking weed and being at my mates place with her alone, but i've warmed to my friends friend, Sandi. i'd spoken to her on the phone once briefly in the past, other then that i don't really know her apart from the discussions today. she's got some lulz about her which always helps make the tension easier.

today was a bad day for cravings, as you may have guessed from the first paragraph. i read an IV meth thread in OD today and instantly started craving a shot of meth as well which soon after went away. beyond that it hasn't really crossed my mind too aften - meth that is.

all else i have to say is i'm looking into Modafinal for study and attentive puposes. once i do a little research on the subject and see my doctor i'll update on how it went.

also i was reading that old IV codeine thread in ADD today and yesterday so i might go fix myself a shot now

leftwing

Im am 40 hrs into suboxone (or Sah-bax-in if you want to talk like the mass holes) w/d I really only took 2 or three to do a fast, sloppy taper which was painless until it ended but I swear being on subs makes me angry sometimes. I get pissed at anyone who causes me to not to get my way after a few days on it. That is not like me at all and I try to let shit slide but I just stew over shit and become antisocial, better than sick but not ok for the long term.

Then again I've never bupe for more than a week or two straight and I've noticed this side effect only recently.

I don't think that this kick will be that bad but I expect the next 24hrs to be the worse which is a shitty feeling in itself to know that. Lord may this G-13 carry me through.

I'm actually kind'a proud and suprised at my control as I have money in the bank and people calling offering me deals (fuck I swear they sense I'm kicking, never happens otherwise). I'm saving for something non-drug related! Whatta waste!

I'm praying for windfall but this is only temporary and I've always believed that suffering is a part of life as integral as any other.

No, I have not suddenly become religious, to anticipate that question.

I'll try to catch up in here more often, mostly writing on the themes, as this is not my primary blog, but here and there I'll share a personal anecdote. Today it will be that...

I am a rabid fan of George Michael.

He was hugely popular in the 80s, when I was a young child, and I begged my mother to take me to his concert in the Louisiana Superdome in New Orleans, where I was born and lived at the time, when he came to give a concert. I was age 7 and my parents were in the middle of their horrendous divorce. I guilt-tripped her into buying floor tickets instead of paying her lawyer (who was useless anyway and slept with clients, but that's another story - he was disbarred for the same years ago) and then she broke her knee walking down a step at a McDonald's. I think she got a settlement out of it, but I'm not sure and it wouldn't have been substantial - just enough for medical bills. Louisiana's justice system is weird and I like it. Mostly.

I was heartbroken not because my mother broke her knee, but because that meant I probably wouldn't be going to the concert as promised. My father, as he always does to this day (my father is my best friend - he is a GREAT man even when he pisses me off, and I him), stepped up to the plate. He bitched and bawwed a little bit, because he considered George Michael "faggoty" (not that I knew what that was at the time)... but he took me to the concert. I'm sure that had to have been painful for him. I love you Daddy if you're lurking - he does not have a BL screen name but he knows about BL and will donate when he has the means. He lives about 45 minutes from me, which is great because I can hop a train to see him. It is still early, I might fuck off from work early to go have dinner at home. I need to do laundry too and it is free there. It's awful to have panic disorder sometimes, though now that I am on Valium I am so calm I can literally not get angry. Feels good man.

Anyways, back to George Michael. If he was not a gay man with a history of GHB and glory holes, I'd be on that so fast, and I'd get a free pass from my beau. Unfortunately, I'm not a gay man. Why can't George Michael be bi like Elton John? I'd hit that like a trainwreck in the dressing rooms at Hammersmith in London in a fucking heartbeat. I'd even let him blow a line off my boobs, take pics, and not sell them to the Sun.

Oh, yes, and GM as an artist. He was DJing before it became popular. I don't know how to spin records without wrecking them, but luckily my friends mostly can. I'll get a set of tables someday. I admire production in musical works, and GM's flawless. I also like open sexuality without being too explicit in my music (similar to my own sex life which is on hold for now, so I need some kind of outlet). Ohhh yes.

I cheat on GM because he doesn't care and I'd never want a celebrity as a boyfriend permanently, I've never met him and he is gay anyway. He'd probably feel me up because gay men seem to be fascinated by breasts, but my ultimate fantasy will never be realized. I cheat on him with INXS, primarily, in addition to electronic music, particularly vocal trance. One of my friends did a stellar Madonna-INXS mashup. I nearly died of happiness. I'll post it here if he's cool with it, have to ask first. It's sick as fuck and I'm sure at least a few of you would love it.

I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body. It acts up at times, memories of how it became that way... I am certainly not trans, though. I love being female despite the annoyances at times. I also have a career where gender is not an issue as we are all equals - still I am a girly, girly, girl with the mind of a man at times. It's typical of female Aries. So I would never be right for George Michael. He's an Aries too. I get along famously with my own sign (not usually the case, but we Arians can hang together, ask any of my Arian friends), and I wish I could meet George Michael as it would be like a house on fire if only I had a penis.

Michael Hutchence from INXS might comfort me, but he is unfortunately deceased, so I walk alone in this regard for now.

I am back to figuring out what I will do today. It's raining horribly, which does not help, so I may go home to work. Dinner with Dad would be awesome, but I don't have my car with me (it's in his garage) so I have to decide whether the train will trigger a panic attack, and not get shitty on Valium first. 5 mg is even seeming like too much (and I am prescribed a LOT, we'll leave it at that) and I'd rather catch up on volunteer work and mailing two Aquarians their birthday gifts, perfectly wrapped with love, because that's one way I navigate through life these days. With love, affection, affinity, and that applies to platonic friendships too.

If you, my reader, are of similar mind, here are some treats courtesy of Youtube. Both apply to my life at the moment, though I am not ready to say why just yet.

George Michael - Fast Love


George Michael & Elton John - Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me

Yes, this is love, inspiration, sluttiness and profundity all at once. Go, go, go.

Yes, George Michael, if you are ever in a place to fuck women, I'd rock you to your own song.

Horny posa is horny.

Am I avoiding action because I’m afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I’m worried about what others will think?

02/24/10 4:03 PM

Well, I am starting to realize that I have been avoiding action in finding a job. Yes, I have been applying for various jobs but not as diligently as I could be. I haven’t modified my cover letter (a decent cover letter is critical in standing out when seeking corporate jobs). I have been lacking the willingness to humble myself and just take ANY job for the sole reason of thinking ‘I can do better’ or ‘I can get to where I need to be quicker’ if I hold out until that perfect job comes along.

I was unsuccessful at managing success before. I started using again and threw opportunities away. I need to accept the reality that there are always consequences regardless of how fucked up I may have been.

Today I changed that, however. I applied at a pizzeria/restaurant that is opening up about 40 minutes away from where I live. It will only pay $10 or $11 an hour but I need to humble myself and take the baby steps required.

How does this answer the question? I’m ashamed that because I have fallen so far that I am now reduced to the reality that, I am not entitled to anything. Image is NOTHING when it comes down to survival and facing responsibilities. I was previously of the mentality that it would be humbling/frightening to serve food to someone who in the past considered me a mentor.

NOTE: I used to be a Technical Trainer for a LARGE Internet Service Provider. I was responsible for teaching the necessary tools to call center agents not only so that the customer was properly serviced but so that the agents would have a solid foundation that they could build on and further their careers. Career Pathing was one of the functions of my job.

The aforementioned example is what immediately comes to mind. If more examples become evident by the end of the day, I will notate them. If not, I will move on to the next question.

Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?

02/23/10 1:29 PM

I have what I need for right now. I use the tools I have to do what I need to do regardless of whether I like it or not. I try not to get cocky thinking I have all the answers and I realize I have a lot of self-examination to do so that I can recognize my weaknesses of character. I’m recognizing flaws in my thinking and character that are preventing me from becoming the person I want or am meant to be. Awareness of these flaws are of key importance because there’s no way I can work on them if I am unaware of their existence or pretend that they don’t exist.

This theme is just too fun for my lazy ass to pass up.

1. At a point in my life (over the course of about six years) I would - voluntarily - spend a weekend camping in weather that didn't get above -40. At least once per winter, if not two or three times. And had a great time every time.
2. I once ran into a tree while snowboarding, avoiding hitting the tree with my head by a split second head movement, and fucked my shoulder up instead.
3. I can shine a laser pointer from my couch and hit the Alberta Legislature.
4. I have a very hard time falling asleep unless I watch at least one episode of The Simposns or Futurama. Two is better, but never mix-and-match.
5. I collect old scientific equipment. I have a manual microscope, an old set of beakers, an old miligram balance and a handful of half-broken but cool-looking optical instuments.

Thanks to a_c for the theme - hope a nice sized group of us make it a point to run into each other in the PNW in April

I like playing this game in the Lounge, so I'll try to think of some good ones for here. The *really* good ones would be self-incriminating.

I will make a comment in the comments section in a few days or so as to which one was the lie.

1. The carpet does not match the drapes.
2. I have yanked out an IV in the ER because I did not want the medication they were trying to give me in my body.
3. I have naturally curly hair.
4. I got breast implants at age 20 but everyone thinks they're natural, including past partners, because I lie and say they are.
5. I had six wisdom teeth removed while awake and aware.

Have a go at this one. Those of you who know me fairly well will probably do OK at most of these - those of you who don't, take a good guess!

Happy VD to those who celebrate it. I do not, but don't want to spoil the party, so those who've been there for me over the years and newer friends as well - I love you and you're the best Valentines a girl could wish for. Wish we could all be together today.

medley of meandering lazy-lap-ish thoughts bounce inside my mind.

I hit repeat a song ov'vo

Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be

Did you ever really need somebody, And really need 'em bad
Did you ever really want somebody, The best love you ever had
Do you ever remember me, baby, did it feel so good
'Cause it was just the first time, And you knew you would

Click to expand...

blanket swept washes over me.
a calling ring of vibrato melody at rest in my ears..eyes dreaming of a something inside. me. Listening for a moment today, grace.inspiration. Outside of eden . not me.

Its driving me crazy, how you, could just start there and kneel to an enemy within.
envelope, enveloping me.. behind remembrance.

We are eagles of a nest, the nest is in our soul

Vixen in my dreams, with great surprise to me
Never thought Id see your face the way it used to be
Oh darlin, oh darlin

Click to expand...

------------------
Im here, but not... I asked the woman outside if I was and Iam not.
But here.

intense glaze ova eyes-hearts. I rest in restlessness. I want to be a musical note of divine integrity one day... a sound.

prt 2 later.

I finally hit my low, but you're nowhere around. To keep me sane, to keep me thinking im NOT insane, wait weren't you the one to CALL me insane. Oh well, i guess I am half way there now... Hot Flashes, hard to breathe and periods of moments I cant recall. Head throbbing like you just hit it with a baseball bat, skin so hot that eating watermelon burns my tongue from beeing cooled down.

I don't know if i want to cry, scream in rage, or curl up in a small ball in a nice cool blanket. Mmmmmmm cool blanket seems so nice right about now. So does the crying.

Yeah Im a psychotic whackjob in tears in the tub that cant get cold enough so i walk the streets dripping wet in water and sweat, bulged out pupils enlarged people thinking im high.....oh wouldnt that be nice......nno not really.

Then I think I am hearing thing too. I keep hearing footsteps up and down up and down my stairs for like 15 minutes then it goes away, then after 30 minutes of silence it comes back again.....rinse spit and repeat until god knows when.....

Then i read a post totally unrelated to you, at least I don't think they are talking about you but it is a slight possibility but I doubt it......and it gets me thinking of you....or rather at first your tattoo, its placement ..... fuck, im fucked up right now....

where the fuck are you? huh? nevermind I'll just wallow in my Pepsi and Coffee's and go the ever more insane as I go through my Benzo Withdrawals.

Meh, who needed to breathe, maybe i'll choke on my saliva while I sleep. Maybe I should go to bed HAHA!

ow! my head is throbing.

I can't eat another bite, the thought of food disgusts me to the point of almost vomiting.

I guess I can go have ANOTHER cold bath. I guess, since your not around and no one that could understand would be online..... who's online on my list.....a redneck and a nutball (med free)....hummm Yahoo IM....?? No one but one busy Strawberry

Hiding from the world in whatever world your in. Im lost in mine, slowly going crazy, how ironic that i see my new "shrink" on the 25th.

Can i go to sleep and wish that I wake up on the 25th??

Cracking my toes like i've walked a million miles along with my hands.....where are you when I need a good back cracking.....hiding from me ...... even my fucking cats are hiding from me.

Blah! no fucking wonder I fucking suck.

I can't believe I don't want to get high today. I'm at work and am emotionally and physically drained. I might get some weed tonight but I don't really consider that 'getting high'.

Weird.

This morning I woke up after a beautiful dream and felt light as a feather laying on my bed. I find it interesting how sometimes it seems the second I wake up sets my mood for the entire day. I felt like i could just lie there all day in perfect peace and contentment but had no problems getting up and preparing for the day. I thought about how sometimes when I wake up and feel like I slept bad or slept wrong even to the point of noticing a crick in my neck it sets a bad tone for the day.

It was a very refreshing feeling waking up this way because the girl i'm seeing, had some blogs that she wanted me to see last night, that weren't all that positive toward me and it kind of pissed me off and put me in a bad mood going to bed, but waking up today i feel refreshed and in a great mood.

I found some kids I don't hate. That sounds weird, but come on; they're children. Normally, I really do not enjoy the company of little kids. I think they're annoying and possessive. Normally I try to distance myself from children and I never could imagine having any of my own.

Last night I went to visit my friends Ben and Kim at their new house up by the hospital. Kim has three little girls from her ex husband. The girls' ages are 3, 6, and 11. For some reason I really enjoy hanging around those girls. I had a great time over there last night. It was the first time I've been around children and not wanted to leave immediately. We played with puzzles and plastic footballs.

I couldn't understand a word the 3 year old was saying but she kept on telling me stories about her Dad and Mom. Her name is Hannah. She showed me some pictures of monkeys from her book.

I'm not sure but I really feel like this was important. Maybe I could pass on my genetics and have some kids of my own some day.