09-17-2008 00:27
I have a temporary sponsor now. I had sponsors before but I never used them. I always worked steps 1 through 3 by myself which means i used my own warped interpretations of their true purpose and meanings.
Looking back this tells me that, essentially, i've worked no steps whatsoever.
If I don't fall into old patterns of isolation, laziness, cockiness and poor meeting attendance, i might start getting well.
Time will tell
09-27-2008 02:19
I don't know exactly how long it has been since i've used. I tried to score but was ripped off and I have actually said 'no' to a dude who offered. It isn't easy but it is getting easier.
I drink beer but haven't been drunk but twice. These two times were when I added tequila to the mix.
I feel good but, at times, my brain messes with me. Feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, painful memories, self-hatred, etc. pop into my head and then i feel a bit depressed.
I have a sponsor but i don't think i'm a very good sponsee. Sometimes i feel like i'm not good enough to be sponsored. We have hit two meetings together and it was pretty cool. Oh! Check this out... ...my sponsor is a Bluelighter! Who woulda' thunk?
I've been speaking with the girl that I left behind when I thought chasing after a careeer was more important. I loved her then but, as I told her tonight, i realizer that that was more of a 'high school love'.
My feelings for her now are something I've never experienced before. This must be what they call true love. Its fucking intense but I'm afraid that my past may steal what I believe would be the perfect relationship from us.
I have a job working for a friend who knows how i am and has seen me actively using as well as actively recovering and I have his (and his family's) support. I spoke with the connect that I owe money to and told him I'd like to send him $50 a week but he just laughed a little and wouldn't give me an address.
I'm starting to feel like a new me. A bit too sensitive perhaps but, even though I'm not good with handling these feelings, at least I am FEELING.
Things I need to work on:
Hitting more meetings
Showing more interest in step work
Selfishness
Patience
Handling cravings
TRUST
**EDIT** Jealousy, Self-confidence, Acceptance, Responsibility
...to name a few.
Its gettin' better!
05-17-2009 14:28
So, I picked up again.I was feeling good and felt like 'one more time'. I have a lot of experience that tells me that there is no such thing as a last time
.A couple of days into my stupid decision, I was shooting coke and was rather paranoid. My girlfriend called and texted me a bunch of times and I didn't reply (I was fucked up)
.I had both locks on the door as well as the chain. I had done a nice shot of the last of my shit and was sitting on the floor of my bedroom leaning against the bed. The lights were off in my room. I had the closet light on with the door slightly open to allow a bit of light into the room.I heard someone at the door. My girl came over and was able to reach her hand inside the door and undo the chain.I knew what was coming when I heard the steps creek that led upstairs. I startled her when she got to the bedroom door. The light from the closet was angled directly where I was sitting on the floor. I was sweaty, shaky and my heart was pounding.I told her I fucked up and that I was shootin' coke.
She was devastated. I lied and hurt her. The deceit is what is most hurtful, I believe. I lied to her and we were doing so well.The next day when I was at work, 'M' came to my house and found my needles, spoons, empty bags, weed pipe, plastic weed containers and, worst of all, bloody paper towels. She also saw blood droplets on the kitchen floor.She came to my work and confronted me. I made her cry from this bullshit decision. She was furious, hurt, deceived and betrayed. I never wanted to hurt her. I wanted to use a little and then stop. Just keep it my own little secret. She is the one person that I feel comfortable and safe telling my secrets to.
I'm an asshole. I hurt her.I will be in a rehab facility in (hopefully) a week. My insurance doesn't cover behavioral health so in order to get funding for treatment I need to get a letter from my insurance company stating that this isn't covered. Once I have that, I need to go to the Welfare Office and get a rejection letter. THEN I can call this place that will give a one-on-one assesment and hopefully pay for the Rehab up the street from me
.I may have destroyed the best thing that could ever happen to me.
08-15-2009 13:11
Rehab and Overdose
Its been about a year since I started this thread. Here's a somewhat positive update.
I received a rejection letter from the Welfare/Social Security Office for medical assistance. I need this letter in order to get placed into rehab by a company called Gaudenzia. I need and want this. I'm tired of hating and hurting myself. I crave stability in all aspects (emotionally, mentally, financially, etc)
I will be taking my rejection letter to Gaudenzia on Monday and they claim to be able to have me in a facility the next day. Its FINALLY time for me to 'man up' and do what's necesarry to repair all the damage I have done (to others and myself). This only starts with rehab. I have A LOT of work to do from that point on.
Yesterday, another BL'er and I were hanging out/shooting up. He did a speedball and I asked him how he was feeling. He responded with something along the lines of 'heaven' or 'total bliss'. He then faded out on me. I yelled at him, smacked his face, dug my knuckles in his chest, threw water on him but he didn't respond. I attemptef mouth to mouth (his breathing was shallow). No response
I called 911 and told them there was an unresponsive person and needed an ambulance. At this point his lips were blue and his face was a grayish color. The 911 operator told me to get him on his side so he didn't choke on his throw up
The paramedics arrived with the police and were able to revive him and take him to the hospital
I had the possibility of facing charges for paraphernalia but I knew the officers that responded and learned today that there would be no charges as long as I went to rehab. Shit, rehab is what I've been working towards for the last two months. No problem there.
NOTE: I have added my blog entries to the original according to how they fit into the timeline. They are not in this entry because it would be like double posting multiple, sometimes lengthy, entries
I have a temporary sponsor now. I had sponsors before but I never used them. I always worked steps 1 through 3 by myself which means i used my own warped interpretations of their true purpose and meanings.
Looking back this tells me that, essentially, i've worked no steps whatsoever.
If I don't fall into old patterns of isolation, laziness, cockiness and poor meeting attendance, i might start getting well.
Time will tell
09-27-2008 02:19
I don't know exactly how long it has been since i've used. I tried to score but was ripped off and I have actually said 'no' to a dude who offered. It isn't easy but it is getting easier.
I drink beer but haven't been drunk but twice. These two times were when I added tequila to the mix.
I feel good but, at times, my brain messes with me. Feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, painful memories, self-hatred, etc. pop into my head and then i feel a bit depressed.
I have a sponsor but i don't think i'm a very good sponsee. Sometimes i feel like i'm not good enough to be sponsored. We have hit two meetings together and it was pretty cool. Oh! Check this out... ...my sponsor is a Bluelighter! Who woulda' thunk?
I've been speaking with the girl that I left behind when I thought chasing after a careeer was more important. I loved her then but, as I told her tonight, i realizer that that was more of a 'high school love'.
My feelings for her now are something I've never experienced before. This must be what they call true love. Its fucking intense but I'm afraid that my past may steal what I believe would be the perfect relationship from us.
I have a job working for a friend who knows how i am and has seen me actively using as well as actively recovering and I have his (and his family's) support. I spoke with the connect that I owe money to and told him I'd like to send him $50 a week but he just laughed a little and wouldn't give me an address.
I'm starting to feel like a new me. A bit too sensitive perhaps but, even though I'm not good with handling these feelings, at least I am FEELING.
Things I need to work on:
Hitting more meetings
Showing more interest in step work
Selfishness
Patience
Handling cravings
TRUST
**EDIT** Jealousy, Self-confidence, Acceptance, Responsibility
...to name a few.
Its gettin' better!
05-17-2009 14:28
So, I picked up again.I was feeling good and felt like 'one more time'. I have a lot of experience that tells me that there is no such thing as a last time
.A couple of days into my stupid decision, I was shooting coke and was rather paranoid. My girlfriend called and texted me a bunch of times and I didn't reply (I was fucked up)
.I had both locks on the door as well as the chain. I had done a nice shot of the last of my shit and was sitting on the floor of my bedroom leaning against the bed. The lights were off in my room. I had the closet light on with the door slightly open to allow a bit of light into the room.I heard someone at the door. My girl came over and was able to reach her hand inside the door and undo the chain.I knew what was coming when I heard the steps creek that led upstairs. I startled her when she got to the bedroom door. The light from the closet was angled directly where I was sitting on the floor. I was sweaty, shaky and my heart was pounding.I told her I fucked up and that I was shootin' coke.
She was devastated. I lied and hurt her. The deceit is what is most hurtful, I believe. I lied to her and we were doing so well.The next day when I was at work, 'M' came to my house and found my needles, spoons, empty bags, weed pipe, plastic weed containers and, worst of all, bloody paper towels. She also saw blood droplets on the kitchen floor.She came to my work and confronted me. I made her cry from this bullshit decision. She was furious, hurt, deceived and betrayed. I never wanted to hurt her. I wanted to use a little and then stop. Just keep it my own little secret. She is the one person that I feel comfortable and safe telling my secrets to.
I'm an asshole. I hurt her.I will be in a rehab facility in (hopefully) a week. My insurance doesn't cover behavioral health so in order to get funding for treatment I need to get a letter from my insurance company stating that this isn't covered. Once I have that, I need to go to the Welfare Office and get a rejection letter. THEN I can call this place that will give a one-on-one assesment and hopefully pay for the Rehab up the street from me
.I may have destroyed the best thing that could ever happen to me.
08-15-2009 13:11
Rehab and Overdose
Its been about a year since I started this thread. Here's a somewhat positive update.
I received a rejection letter from the Welfare/Social Security Office for medical assistance. I need this letter in order to get placed into rehab by a company called Gaudenzia. I need and want this. I'm tired of hating and hurting myself. I crave stability in all aspects (emotionally, mentally, financially, etc)
I will be taking my rejection letter to Gaudenzia on Monday and they claim to be able to have me in a facility the next day. Its FINALLY time for me to 'man up' and do what's necesarry to repair all the damage I have done (to others and myself). This only starts with rehab. I have A LOT of work to do from that point on.
Yesterday, another BL'er and I were hanging out/shooting up. He did a speedball and I asked him how he was feeling. He responded with something along the lines of 'heaven' or 'total bliss'. He then faded out on me. I yelled at him, smacked his face, dug my knuckles in his chest, threw water on him but he didn't respond. I attemptef mouth to mouth (his breathing was shallow). No response
I called 911 and told them there was an unresponsive person and needed an ambulance. At this point his lips were blue and his face was a grayish color. The 911 operator told me to get him on his side so he didn't choke on his throw up
The paramedics arrived with the police and were able to revive him and take him to the hospital
I had the possibility of facing charges for paraphernalia but I knew the officers that responded and learned today that there would be no charges as long as I went to rehab. Shit, rehab is what I've been working towards for the last two months. No problem there.
NOTE: I have added my blog entries to the original according to how they fit into the timeline. They are not in this entry because it would be like double posting multiple, sometimes lengthy, entries