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I've decided to go back to using meth regularly. I know it's not a good decision, but I feel forced into it. The drug & alcohol service is refusing to prescribe me safe pharmaceutical amphetamines, and until they do, I'll be scoring meth off dealers and gangs like I used to.

The problem is this: without meth, I can't function. Imagine chronic fatigue syndrome combined with depression and ADD. That's what it's like. Getting out of bed in the morning feels like climbing Mount Everest, and during the day I don't have any energy or motivation, so I usually just lie around doing nothing. I also can't focus on anything...

I can't follow a TV show, I can't read much, I can't write much, I rarely leave the house, and so on. It sucks. It really does. Professionals have told me that things will return to normal in time, but they haven't given me any indication of what that time frame could be. It might be months or even years. I can't wait that long. I'm not "living", I'm just "existing" miserably. That's partly what drove me to attempt suicide today.

All I needed was a prescription for dexies, but every doctor/shrink I've seen has said "no". So I'm now back to smoking poison again. Meth has taken a horrible toll on my health (people have said that I probably won't survive another year of heavy use), so if I die, the New Zealand health system is to blame. Again, all I needed was a fucking prescription. A prescription for medication to make me feel human again.

Bl is just a passing thought these days, as it should be being a web site.

Im clean, have been for a long long time.

I was happier before all of this and am regaining that same sense of reality back.

I am happy and buying my own place and am picking up from where I lost it.

There is no place in my heart for the people that turned their back on me or went out of their way to hurt me. There is room for those I care about and those who care about me.

Mostly the Yanks of course.

Love you Jilie and crew

So? How's it looking in your opinions?

Mum has been nagging me to make an appointment for a dental exam, which I'm reluctant to do. Last time I saw a dentist was several years ago, and my heavy meth use since then has done some damage. Ok, a lot of damage.

My teeth are horribly stained (and one or two seem to be blackening!) and my gums have receded to the point that the roots of my lower front teeth are completely exposed. It'll cost a lot of money to fix all that, and government funded healthcare in NZ doesn't apply to dental work.

My logic concerning dentists is slightly different to my mum's. She believes in regular check-up's, whereas I don't. I believe you should wait until you're in excruciating, mind-numbing pain before you consider picking up the phone and making an appointment.

Today is Sunday, March 14th, 2010 and it is now 1013 AM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

To recap...My Sidekick phone was stolen in the public library, I was punked by a 13 year old, and Jackie's PC and DVD player were stolen by her youngest brother.

I had resigned myself to doing without any kind of "special" phone when a visiting cousin offered to sell me his Sidekick 2008, since he had just bought a G3 (different brand, possibly better phone). 100 US seems fair enough though I do know someone who offered me the same phone for a mere 50 US. However, it is much easier to track down a relative than some acquaintance should the phone go belly up.

The same day, Friday, Jackie had gone to the on-base internet cafe to mess around with Youtube. Her home is about a block from the cafe so it is something she tends to do often.

As we were IMing she suddenly told me, "Baby, my niece is here telling me my bro just broke my sala (living room) window and is in my house again!" I told her to be safe but hurry home. Bidding me a fast goodbye she quickly arrived at the house only to see her eldest sister (who had been babysitting Jackie's kids while she had gone to the cafe) in tears. Seeing her brother she lashed into him only to have him grab her arm and bruise it severely. At that point Jackie's father arrived on the scene and soon he and Jackie were crying along with Jackie's sister.

The brother had been looking for cash and not finding any went ballistic. Storming off to their parents' home, he went into a deep sleep.

Jackie's sister notified the MPs who deployed but said they could not arrest the guy unless he was in the open since warrants do not extend to private dwellings in the Philippines.

Finally, 2 days ago he came to Jackie and apologised. She said she can forgive him but will never feel as close to him as she once did. It seems that he jas a "Shabu" addiction.

Shabu is Japanese slang meaning, "Go Fast." An apt name then for very pure methamphetamine hcl, in smokable form. Apart from Hawaii (and Guam) Americans have very little knowledge of the phenomenon. If any Americans happen to be reading this, imagine Crack (cocaine freebase) to the 10th power. Shabu gives an 8 hour "high" off just a single hit, as opposed to 2 to 3 minutes off of an equivalent dosage of Crack.

The entire Philippines has been effected by what has been a 10 year fascination with the drug though for the last 3 years it seems to be getting progressively better.

So now, with all this maddening drama, Jackie has taken to always dropping major "hints" as to how this shit would not be happening if I had returned (to Mindanao) quickly since when I do she assumes we will be making our "life."

I do intend to find a suitable place for us to live (obviously living in San Franz is not going to be an option due to Rizza's family, nor Mindanao at all given her maniacal "ex"). However I do not plan on returning before June.

May 10th will be a Presidential Election (along with all other elections). The Philipines always has more bloodshed than usual before any election and this, as I said, being a Presidential Election it is especially dangerous.

In addition, for reasons I MAY touch upon in an upcoming "Blood and Guts" entry, I reckon another coup is very likely to happen either in late April or very early May (prior to the May 10th Election).

Furthermore, it is a very dangerous time for me personally to be there (Rido with Uncle Allen-meaning blood feud, Govt investigation into Paramilitaries, State of Calamity just having been declared for all of Mindanao 36 hours ago, another subject I will touch upon, etc).

I explainrd all this to Jackie as much as I can but her concept of the world is much more different than mine. The farthest she has ever been is to Jolo (medium sized Muslim island in the Philippines, due south of Mindanao) and to Manila (Fort Bonifacio, the Military HQ (when her bro was killed on Jolo). She has lived almost her entire life on the same military base she was born on.

I explain about inherent risks, security and economic concerns and while she is certainly intelligent enough to understand, it is really abstract to her.

I know though that as each day pases I myself find it more difficult to stay away. Even without her I love Mindanao, but with her in my life it a deep yearning, something I have never known.

And on a related tact...Rizza has once again stopped communicating with me. I spoke to her mother about a week ago, and she said that whatever I decide to do (as far as ending the marriage), the family will abide by it but I know it is destroying her.

She did ask me to stop talking about Rizza online. Since this is the only place I have ever even mentioned her name, let alone sordid details, it confirmed my feeling that at least she (Mom) reads these entries.

Then, after not hearing from Rizza in close to 2 weeks I found (will not say how) that she began using her BL ID again. I guess she just gets curious about what I am doing, etc.

My 1st inclination was to rush here to my Blog and re-edit all Jackie's identifying info out of the entries. "Jackie" is not her real name but I do post a lot of information so...I decided in the end it does not really matter. Sooner or later they will all be able to find each other anyway unless I simply walk away from all my investments with Rizza's family (and those in proximity to them).

Anyway, life as I know it. Nice thunder storm right now (I love them!), no methadone today. Funny, I begin to hate being opiated. The nodding, the inability to remain coherent, to fully concentrate and yet I still have not reached the point where I can treuly envision myelf living opiate-free.

Music wise listening to Aldo Nova, great 80s rock icon: "Ball and Chain" and "Can't Stop Lovin' You." Great songs!

OMG ever since Coley had a drug overdose he has been SOOOOO clingy and annoying. I am a girl who truly values my personal space, and he is constantly prying, following me around like a puppy, and trying to get me to marry him. How about slowing down and gaining my respect first idiot?

BTW I will probably delete this after I have cooled down...

I guess someone wisened up, he's signed the papers. I guess his lawyer told him what would happen if he didn't. LOL!!!

**doing happy dance**

EKG came out fine. The doctor is sending me to get a heart ultrasound and a referal to a lung specialist.

So yeah MORE testing.

The medicine seems to be healping my breathing.

I am doing good on half the clonazepam i was on before, but all its stopping is the lightheadedness and I can pay attention.

At the beginning of the song Omerta by Lamb Of God is a spoken quote:

"Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, 'If I live, I will kill you. If I die, you are forgiven.' Such is the Rule of Honor."

Too right. Fuck the law. If somebody robs or hurts me, I don't call the cops...

So,
I told R to fuck off yesterday. I don't need him now that C has realized how much he is in love with me, and we are back to being in perfect harmony.
gosh, it scares me how close I came to cheating, though. Like, I had even bought condoms and was practicing putting them on a dildo (since haven't used one in a long time)!
I just sometimes need to remind myself that I am worthy of being the number one love to a guy, who knows I am not perfect, and has their own imperfections, but we are both cool with that.

I got a call from my mom this morning. She went to a doctor's appointment and the doctor said she needed to be admitted to the hospital for observation. She didn't want to take an ambulance so I cruised out and drove her to the Emergency Room.

Apparently the medication that she had been taking for high blood pressure had caused her heart rate to drop to 37. People have said that she shouldn't even be standing with a heart rate that low but she was quite functional and perfectly lucid.

Anyway, this medication that she was prescribed caused some sort of receptor or something to no longer function properly and they said that she may need a pacemaker.

I stayed with her, asked the nurses questions, got her juice, ran to the house to grab some of her favorite books, took notes for what needed to be done for my niece's birthday party tomorrow that my mom was so looking forward to, called my brother and dad to let them know what was going on and stayed with her until she was taken from the ER to an actual room in the hospital.

I recognize that these are all things that any 'normal' person would do but... I've NEVER been responsible like that when it came to family. I was always chasing after my next high or sleeping off the last one. I was always lazy and selfishly self-centered.

I could see that it was comforting that I was there and I took charge of asking important questions. She was able to relax (for once).

Somewhere along the line of me getting clean, I became a son.

What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction?

03/12/10 3:14 PM

I have experienced the standard ‘troubles’ that any drug addict has experienced concerning school and work. Below is a list:

WORK

• Tardiness

• Lethargy

• Frequent sick days

• Advances on my pay

• Inefficiency

• Quitting for no valid reason

SCHOOL

• Missed classes

• Not completing homework assignments

• Late to classes

• Dropping out altogether

• Unwillingness to study

• Overdose in junior high school

• Detentions in high school

• Suspended from high school

• Arrested in high school

• Expulsion from high school

• Dropping out of high school

Well I knew my luck would run out sooner or later. Legally the tech can't say anything but she kinda did. She went to me AFTER she took the x-ray's "Are you a smoker?" (insert internal "im going to fucking kick T's ass and FAAACK!) and I told her "No" and she goes "Oh?......" and then I said "...but I do have bronchitis" and then she sounded like an AH HA! moment hit her and said "Oh ok".

So I kinda get the feeling that that x-ray was a nasty looking bitch.

So now I have a Chest X-Ray this afternoon and a EKG tomorrow afternoon. I have also been perscribed medication to open my airways and also something about some kind of infection that might be causing the airway ristriction. I have 2 different meds for this. I have also been put back on clonazepam but 1/2 the dosage as before, just in case this is all just mostly just clonazepam withdrawals. He's worried because of the breathing issues and the chest pain. Which is why the chest x-ray and EKG. That way he can rule out everything that is obvious first. with chest xray he can also make sure its not TB.

I will try and update when I know wtf is going on.

Won't be online this coming week as it's march break. So I will be missing out on all our lovely online stuff until next weekend. Might be able to come online saturday when the kiddo is at bowling.

I so love medical drama....and drama in general in my life..... /sarcasm.

Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?

03/12/10 09:38 AM

The answer to both of these questions is ‘yes’.

As to confessing to illegal activity that I have been involved in, once again, I’m not putting anything on paper. I will, however talk one-on-one with my sponsor about the activities I was involved in but I will not write them out.

What does unmanageability mean to me?

03/12/10 9:24 AM

The inability to maintain necessary balance and basic daily functions.

Loss of control due to complacency, fear, laziness, anxiety and/or unwillingness.

unmanageable - Difficult or impossible to manage, as:
a. Not submitting to discipline; unruly
(source: dictionary.com [web version])

Not sure what's going on with me anymore. Sigh. I feel with drugs, I'm damned if I do & damned if I don't. If I do them, all I can do anymore is stay in my room, but I don't feel
the glorious highs UNLESS it's a damn work night. Otherwise, I just feel "normal" with
appetite control, that's good. Still, it's like I'm stuck in a fear paralysis again. I don't
WANT to do anything other than go to work, sleep, come home. On my nights off, I don't
go anywhere or do anything. Mom keeps bugging me about money, I've given up ever
satisfying her. I could not in good conscience leave for the $250/mo room for rent, then
NOT pay her. She had asked me not to, so I pay the fucking credit union bill that she
charged $1000....& I find out the bill is $165/mo, not $200. Whatever.

I feel trapped. I just want her to leave me alone. The ONLY way I'm going to be able to
EVER get ahead or catch my breath financially, is to cut out having to pay Sam. The
chronic fatigue will suck horrifically if I just stop speed. Maybe I should just do it anyway,
quit for a week, see what happens. Often times I take Monday's off from Mr. Prick because
I get to sleep, so that works for me. Oh whatever. Times running out for me. I really
DON'T want to look for and find another job now. I HATE all the application bullshit,
doing the resume all over, not to mention the cocksucking background checks you can't
get away from. I have no felonies or misdemeaners, but they will find out I had drug
charges against me that were dropped & frankly, I don't feel like explaining myself or
fuck all to anyone.

Someday, Mom's right I'll probably have to do something cause the company pays shit
wages & they do irritating shit like make me drive all the bum fuck way to South Orange
County for some stupid company test & every July I will have to go down there in person
for my dumb reviews that are excellent but never give raises. Mom is all pissy cause
"I'm not paying any rent" as she keeps rubbing in my face. The $230/mo she doesn't count
because it goes to the stupid credit card bill & I'm getting steamed so whatever. If she would give
me a damn break & either lend me the $ for another used car, which I'm not asking for, or take the
lousy $230 & quit nagging...hell I'm still gona take forever to save enough money for a damn car
as long as I have to pay Sam, so actually, I'm back to the fuck it's again & the damn chronic fatigue.
How the hell am I supposed to work at some new dumb fuck job or work more hours with this stupid
debilitating disease?

I rarely have motivation to do anything anymore. I've got the Welbutrin Erik sent, but it says not to
take if you've got kidney damage goin on & you're NOT supposed to take it with speed or it can
cause heart attack. My friend Debbie didn't believe me when I told her she can't take anti depressants or MAIO inhibitors with meth. I wasn't a bit surprised, when I heard 5 years later she had
valves replaced & 3 heart attacks. Still need to check with online doc I guess. I can't tell my REAL doctor about the meth because then by law she'd be ethically & legally bound to stop my migraine
medications. I just want this crappy feeling, this fear to end.

a friend of mine completed a thingy for work that analyzed his personality and then provided a print out of ways to effectively work and interact with him. i was surprised by how spot on many of the points were. i now call it the vgoraz manual.

a conversation i had today led me to think about what would be in an a_c manual. i was chatting with someone online, and i apologized for not contacting them in several weeks. they said they understood, its pretty normal for me to go weeks or months without contacting friends. we started talking about other random things we do that makes us somewhat difficult to befriend.

i'm thinking i should write up a manual and give to to people i meet, much like how you have to sign a waiver before doing something potentially dangerous

Hey yos...

Sorry for having that bitch-fest last post.

Saturday we fought all day, I mean all day... But Sunday was the breaking point and we both decided to have nice day with a carpe diem attitude.

Got the waxing, cause I always get what I want. lols. Of course afterwards mister man was quite appeased.

Walked around denver, it was so beautiful, soooo beautiful.

Heres MGS super happy about our southern food at CoraFaye's in Denver.. OMG THE BEST FRIED CHICKEN IV EVER HAD!

(I will have to take this photo down shortly because hes not fond of his face being on the i-net)



Yes he is darling I know.

The brazilian was easier then I had imagined.

Though I am battling a little ingrown hair issue. It will be completely gone in a day or two however.

After which we both agreed I needed luxurious undies and grazed through victorias secret. I think MGS was making the sales women uncomfortable because he kept picking up some of the undies and oogling at them.. I had to get him to settle down so he wouldnt get kicked out. lols

I must say however, victorias secret is not as classy as I onced recalled. They had NO silk underwear. I was like WTF this place used to be about class.

Oh well, I found a few pieces that were suitable. I am still not that keen on 20 bucks an undie but whatever--- a smooth cooch deserves the appropriate garments.

I just received in the mail from my mum the shoes I was pining after.



WHICH was a HUGE surprise considering she was just saying last week how broke she was. My heart needed that really.

Feeling pretty good.. off to see my tutor though.
Thanks again for all of the wonderful wishes, my soul needed that. xoxoxox

Well he confirmed the EEG was normal. He also confirmed that I had rare pupils, one larger than the other for no apparent reason. Rare but nothing serious as long as their was no head injury. So I never noticed and went into the washroom to look and it freaked me out, they were different sizes, not majorly but still freaky. Strange thing though. ... now at home at 5pm and they are back to the same size.

Been off cipralex and clonazepam for 3 days and no withdrawal syndrome. Well nothing major anyhow.

Hyperhydrosis is back but thats not bad. Chest pain still around, made a doc appt. for tomorrow morn 10am for that and also my possible bronchitis.....also got to check for TB because of exposure last april, never tested pos for it but with all those meds it could have fucked up my system and activated it.....though I tested completely clean for it. I dunno...

We'll see tomorrow.

Today is Thursday, March 11th,2010 and it is now 555 AM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

Recently, in the CE and P Forum I iniated a thread entitled, "Election 2010, Philippines Style." The thread discussed, in detail, the so called "Maguindanao Massacre." This event, which took place Monday, November 23rd was the single worst case of violence against journalists,anywhere in all of history.

The event centers around the Gubernatorial Election taking place on May 10th, in the province of Maguindanao on Mindanao. If I was more adept I would simply cut and paste my thread's original post. As it is I can barely log on without a serious gaffe so that is one endeavour I would be better off leaving alone.

Interestingly, the thread did not garner a single response. Posters will flood threads about holograph airplanes manufactured by the US Government to trick people into a "War on Terrorism,'but a thread about this shocking case of mass murder did not rate a single comment.

Now, the event...

On the morning of Monday, 11/23/2009 Esmael "Toto" Mangadadatu, the Vice Mayor of his clan's ancestral village, Buluan, Maguindanao, stood outside his home and watched a 7 vehicle convoy of clan members, lawyers and journalists escort his wife to the provincial capital of Shariff Aguak.

His wife Genalyn was heading to the national electoral authority COMELEC's regional office to submit her husband's "Certificate of Candidacy" for the May 10th,2010 g
Gubneratorial Elections. Genalyn was sent because the tribal custom of the Maranao ethnicity prohibits the harming of females. The threat of violence hung heavy in the air because her husband was daring to challenge the Ampatuan clan, the family that had ruled much of the province since the 1890s.

The convoy of minivans headed to Shariff Aguak along the Cotabato-Isulan Hiway and at 10 AM they slowed as the approached a PNP (Police) Checkpoint in Sitio (Neighbourhood) Malating, Barangay (Village) Salman in Ampatuan (municipality), the clan stronghold of the Ampatuan clan. As they began decelerating for the Checkpoint 2 unrelated vehichles jockied for position and overtook the rear convoy vehicle, a minivan driven by clan ally Rajah Ali and carrying 2 other supporters.

Ali and his 2 passengers got out to urinate by the side of the road. As he went about his business Ali saw a group of approximately 100 paramilitary soldiers, all armed with M16s and AK47s emerging from the jungle on the roadside. Watching nervously he saw the mayor of Datu Unsay, Andal Ampatuan Jr walking directly to the van holding Genalyn Mangadadatu, open the door quickly and slap her hard. Backed by roughly 100 men holding hi-powered rifles nobody dared to make a sound much less resist. With just as much speed Andal stormed back into the bush.

Ali wasted no time as he and his 2 passengers jumped back in their van, turned around and sped off to the town of Esperanza in Sultan Kudarat Province. The 3 did not know that Genalyn had quickly sent a text to her husband apprising him of the unexpected development. Nor did the 3 men see Andal's soldiers commandeering the convoy.

The convoy was now driven into the bush, over an old logging track, 2 km off the hiway and up to a hill overlooking the Checkpoint. Authorities theorise that it eas here that 25 year old journalist Noel Delena sent a rapid text to his brother, begging him to pray for his soul.

Sometime between 1030 and 12, at least 56 people were shot to death at close range by M16s. 1, a journalist, was hogtied to a steering wheel in one of the vans and shot in the back of the head with a 12 gauge shotgun. 6 others remain missing until now, their fate is unknown though it is presumed that they too were killed that day.

By 11 AM Esmael Mangdadatu's attorneys had finally convinced a reluctant AFP (Philippine Military) to launch a search for the missing convoy.

At 230 PM the AFP carefull approached the grisly scene only to find that the perpsertrators had just fled, leaving a still idling backhoe owned by the provincial governor, Andal's father, Andal Ampatuan Sr. 3 large pits had been dug with bodies and vehichles staggered in alternate layers to impede any future investigation. Not suprisingly though not one actor was found.

31 journalisrs were murdered that day in what was the worst single case of violence against journalists in recorded history. Of the 21 females, 5 had recent deposits of seemen and most had had their genitals mutilated.

Mindanao is an island wracked by daily violence but this particular act shocked people beyond description.

That afternoon the AFP was able to detain 2 paramilitary soldiers with weapons but by law they were forced to treat it as a civilian criminal case and turned the 2 men over to the PNP. The police of course are controlled by the Ampatuan clan who quickly arrange for the 2 mens' release. Neither they nor their firearms have been seen since. Popular opinion holds that both men are dead.

On Thursday, 11/26 Presidential Advisor Jesus Dureza prevails upon the Ampatuan clan, staunch allies of the currrent President, to surrender Andal Jr. Andal Jr. Is then escorted unrestrained to the capital Shariff Aguak, and then transported south to the city of General Santos where an AFP C-130 transports him to Manila, almost 1000 km to the north. By Saturday the 28th he is slapped with multiple murder charges.

On 12/03 the first of 12 raids commence against the Ampatuan clan, primarily aimed at the clan's paramilitary.

On 12/05 President Gloria M. Arroyo declares Martial Law in Maguindanao and 2 adjoining provinces thus extending the Law from the southern most point of the nation, in the Sulu archipelago and Tawi Tawi just north of Borneo, up to Basilan and over onto Mindanao itself.

Since then Martial Law has been extended indefinitely, a brigade worth of advanced weaponry has been recovered, and the clan has been forced into submision. Nearly 700 men have been charged in the case, though virtually all paramilitary soldiers have fled into the bush where they continue to engage the AFP in skirmishes.

Not suprisingly the public, and by extension the government has sought a scapegoat. The "villian?" The paramilitary of course...never the govt! I will continue in a subsequent post.

I've decided to stop trying to get high on benzos. I've been on a weekly dispense program for the past month (where I have to collect a new refill every Monday from my pharmacy, instead of getting a whole month's worth at a time) to stop me abusing them - or overdosing.

But today I found a couple of half-filled bottles in one of my bedroom drawers. One was clonazepam, the other diazepam. I decided to see how much it would take to get me high, and ended up taking 16mg's of clonazepam and 60mg's of diazepam. The results? Nothing. Well, I felt a bit slow, but it wasn't anything to write home about.

So now I'm just gonna stick to my prescribed dose of 6mg's clonazepam and 20mg's diazepam a day (which probably needs to be increased soon, cos I'm starting to notice some tolerance withdrawals). I guess that's what happens after taking them daily for 6 or 7 years... you can no longer get any recreational effects from them at all.

Today is still Wednesday, March 10th, 2010 and it is now 645 PM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

To continue...Well, little bro ran like the pussy he is. Word is he is deep in the bush in Claveria where their father's hilltribe has its capital. Funny, the tribe is in the midst of a bloody inter-ethnic war and is also surrounded by the Islamic and Maoist forces so far someone who shied away from war he picked a funny place to hang out.

The next day, Friday, I went to the library. Now I obviously have my own computer, but for some unexplained reason I chose to use the free PC they have in NYC public libraries (actually 2 systems, NYC and Brooklyn-Quuens, I was up in the South Bronx taking care of my TB nonsense). Next to me was a gaggle of black female teens. Library rules say only 1 person per PC station, no standings around, etc. 6 teens there, par for the course in NYC.

I was on Jackie's Youtube channel getting her some videos, but the observant chap that I am, saw that the "girls" were watching 2 black teens doing the latest version of the "Harlem Shake," a hiphop dance popularised in the Polo Grounds Housing Project (Estate as they say elsewhere, funny "Estate" in the US only means upper crust palatial housing), at the turn of the millenium. They were laughing, almost screaming...

I needed a pen to write some urls and the security guard was nice enough to lend me hers. When I was finished I stood up, gave her back her pen, unplugged my headphones from the PC and then, for some unexplicable reason, walked away from the PC station.

Sitting on the opposite end of the library, reading a new release about Genghis Khan, I finally felt ready to leave, walked outside and automatically reached for my TMobile Sidekick. Alas it was not in my pocket, so I rushed back ibnside to the PC I had been using, and a down on his luck older man was busy trying to circumvent the security parameters of the PC (for whatever reason, wink). The same socially retarded group of young ladies was standing around guffawing about the video of the dancers.

I didn't see my Sidekick so I went to the clerk/Librarian station and asked that dumb question people always ask,"Um, ma'am, might someone have turned in a brand new Sidekick (a 450 US phone)?" Said she, "Yes, they turned it in!" I was ecstatic...until she opened her drawer, reached in, and handed me my 20 US earbuds, and nothing else.

I walked back to the PC, and the older man smiled saying he had turned in the headphones, I thanked him. I asked if he had, by chance, seen a black phone as well. I am not G-D but I am actually well trained in interrogation and the physical cues associated with it (in the IDF one of my last command deployments was as overall CO of one of the busiest static Static Checkpoints in Shechem /Nablus, so called "West Bank").

As far as I can tell the man was honest, but the girls? It takes no training to know what was what, and then stupidly coy comments just aggravated me further. After less than a minute I just said fuck it and was walking to the exit. As I walked a black teen, maybe 14 or 15 but well over 6 feet said, "Mista?" I said, "What?" "You dropped your thing over there on the floor!" I thought for a milisecond the kid was being a "Good Samaritan," and innocently asked him,"What did I driopm" Laughing uproariously he said,"Your life loser!"

Wellllllllllllll......Now let me first say I have almost super human control, utmost mental discipline. However, I said loud enough for the entire library to hear, "What motherfucker? I ok like your fucken' friend? Am I your playmate bitch?" He was shocked, "Mista why you gotta' say all that???" "Oh, I'm 'Mista'? How come that 'respect' don't extend to the rest of the shit comin' out the side of your crooked mouth?"

For the sake of brevity, it devolved quickly into him feeling the need to challenge me physically. As walked quickly to the entrance, saying,Well we can do this then! Let's take this outside (so original)." I am 43, a convicted felon in New York, and here I was possibly beating a 14 year old BOY to death (or alternatively getting my ass kicked by him which wmay have been even worse for me psychologically). I noticed the braces in his mouth, Khow old are you? 14???" His reply, VERY earnestly, "No, I'm not 14," which in retrospect makes me think he may even have been 13, yikes. Luckily I just told him to fuck off, and wrote down a contact number to the librarian in case she saw the phone (yeah right).

The boy had walked back to the PCs and I slowly walked out trying top not to turn TOO red after seemingly being puncked by a 13/14 year old. I actually, am ashamed to admit, was half hoping he would run out and throw some punched so I could let this tension out, after all in a case of true self defemce I could forget the angst and self-recrimination.

Of course macho boy was not really looking for a fight (to his credit and luckily for me in more than one way).

Back to Brooklyn, feeling so fucken tense and stupid...

Back here I called up TMobile and reported the phone stolen. I asked about my insurance and was told that I had declined enrollment in the Anti-Theft and Loss Insurance Programme. I must have resented the extra 5.95 US per month charge, typical Rachamim brillance! OK, how much for a replacement? I was then told that the Sidekick 2008 is no longer being shipped, superceded as it is by the Sidekick LX. OK, how much? 499 US. Uh, no thanks. That is just insane!

I figured I would buy a hundred dollar phone and relegate my online usage to the PC here in the flat por just buy a new laptop (my other back in Mindanao).

Owing to the wonderful character count, I will continue in a following post.

Listening to the ethereal and absolutely amazing Kate Bush ("Army Dreamers"), gosh she is fantastic.

Sheit, I actually liked Corey Haim. He was cool.