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Have I tried to quit using and found that I couldn’t? Have I quit using on my own and found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn’t last very long? What were these times like?

I answered this question through excerpts of my Blog/Journal and won't bother pasting multiple entries for one question. (I have a copy of my Step Work writings in a Word document).

I'm glad I journaled while I was using. It captures the state of mind better since I was typing it while feeling it.

This is much better than reflecting on how it felt which bears the risk of minimizing or exaggerating how it truly was.

I'm looking forward to reading this document once all 69 questions have been answered.
Today is Monday, March 8th,2010 and it is now 431 AM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

As I explained, Jackie has brothers. The eldest died on Jolo (an island between Mindinao and Borneo) in combat against Abu Sayyaf, an Islamo-fascist gueriila army. I also spoke of 2 other brothers both currently serving, the elder 1 a Scout Ranger, the other an Infantryman. There is also a younger brother, 24.

In a military family like Jackie's there is always going to be a blacksheep who rejects the button down conformity. This brother is the black sheep.

Last week there signal problems with Jackie's bradband so instead of her staying up all night to IM with me, she went to sleep around midnite.

The next morning (Ph Time) she did not talk again which is very unusual for her but many unexpected things can happen in that part of the world.

A good example would be in early 2007. At that time Rizza was im Mindanao getting our main house, in the family compound, ready while I finished my last few months in the IDF. We used to IM a couple of hours each day when I was off duty.

One day Rizza stopped IMing. I called home, phones were out of order...Mindanao has volcanoes, earthquakes literally monthly (6 on the Richter Scale is normal), mud slides, flooding, tsunamis (very rarely), cholera, ebola, rabies, snake bites, rampant crime, and at tat time 11 rebel movements (now there are only 8)...So I began to get crazy ideas. 6 days later, I Am offduty in Jerusalem and I see, in the library, a small article in the International Herald`. Apparently a dredging ship (underwater construction) had inadvertantly tore up a major undersea cable off of Taiwan. The article continued saying that phones and related services like DSL would be affected for about 3 weeks! Cell phones at the time were not worth the effort because of our remote location in the bush.

I thought that maybe some calamity had befallen Jackie or1of her daughters.

To be continued...
hm, well it definitely seems like im been sort of busy doing things lately, im really happy right now with my life. i dont know how many other times ive felt this happy in life, maybe when i was in my imagination as a child.

seems like the imagination is the place i like most out of anywhere with my life as a human being here on earth. behind closed eyes is where a lot of things happen for me, and with them open i am beginning to see things unfold neatly, but in a disorginized fashion. things are crazy an my mind is always moving real quick, its hard to stop it sometimes it does some flips and jumps on itself, ouch. ill finish this rant latur im loosing some steam.
I had some blood tests done last week to check my hormone levels (as a tranny, I'm on male-to-female hormone replacement therapy), and apparently I now have more estrogen and less testosterone than the average female!

I wonder if that's contributing to my mood swings? :p
I am always dubious even bothering with this yahoo blog. Most of the time I don't even bother. I'm extremely disappointed in it ever since they had to go and fuck with it, against the majority of yahoo
customers at that. I'm constantly baffled at a world of people that insist upon fucking with shit,
merely to "upgrade" when there is nothing wrong or broken with the present system, that has in
fact served quite well. However in this world of progress, I'm the exception & not the rule. The
rest of the world can fuck off with their dumb ass upgrades since they must, but whenever I have
a choice not to, I will stick with what works best for me. If it's not broken, don't fix it. If it's NOT
working, THEN hey I'm all for assessing & fixing the problem with well researched information,
after which time, go right ahead & put up whatever the best possible solution is, see if it works.
If not, find one that does. It seems however that the world of "progress" & CORPSEorations
my views, not to mention myself personally, lol, are most unappreciated. I'm dismissed as
being "too slow" or what not & for years as a teen & even into my 30's, believed them & wondered
what was wrong with me.

The very young years were especially painful, as I grew up thinking I was stupid or "slow" as
"they" said. Much later I found out that "they" in fact were wrong. My IQ was somewhere in the
140's or so in certain areas, but it wasn't until the last year I researched & came across an
interesting tidbit of information. Most people learn from "visual" ques, a lesser amount through
"audio" meaning they learn from someone explaining or listening as opposed to watching better.
Not surprising, the last, & of course smallest of all of these "groups" came the ones that learned
by "kinethetically" or simply by doing. When I thought about that I got an "a ha!" moment & yeah
that's EXACTLY the way I learn, always have. In my early years both in school & the work force,
teachers or whoever was training me in a new job would "show" me once or twice, expect me to
remember it, then pick up speed (& I don't mean the kind I do now ha ha) & good to go.

It was also true though that if I managed NOT to get fired b4 this painful initiation ended (and btw
I don't mean due to my own fault of blowing off work because I got high--actually trying) I DID or
WAS eventually the fastest, most hardworking, & productive employee they had. But again, that
was only if the exasperated bosses/coworkers that gathered round and complained about me
being "too slow" didn't get me fired first. That whole trip was SO very demeaning & obviously I've
carried it around with me to this day. At least now I know to tell people, or whoever in any setting
or new situation where I'm expected to learn (the quicker the better of course) I now know to tell
them "don't show me. Let ME do it a couple times, but with YOU directing me.THAT way I WILL
learn & it will STICK." It's true too. I only wish I'd had this information 30 years ago, as it would
have saved me a great deal of pain & wondering why I couldn't "pick it up" like everyone else so
easily--& why after I did it MY way enough times I ended up hauling ass so well.

Like I said, this was without the excuse of drugs even. Of course well into my addiction, when I
made the mistake of giving into tweak that way much too good 4 me to leave it & go to work, those
were completely my fault & when I did my step work for NA, I felt so sorry & so sad for the times I
just completely flaked on nice people that didn't deserve that at all. I've noticed being back into my
addiction, I have tended to backslide in some areas, like blowing up at people. Erik can testify to
that, ha ha. It's not funny, but 2 things I'm NOT doing or 2 mistakes I'm NOT repeating over & over
that I kept making in the past are NOT blowing off work & NOT getting too tweaked or loaded TO
be going to work. I have 3 days off in a row that allow me to have that time & making it easier to
be the responsible person that both my employer, the family I work at, & I deserve. Also, at least
I will wait 2 or 3 whole days after someone has pissed me off, like Scott, for example BEFORE
blowing up.

Scott convinced me to buy his car, that if I put $200 down & make that much in payments every
month, he'd let me have the car, sign it over to me. His wife wrote up a contract. It would have been
paid off in 5 months. Long story short, Scott is like fucking almost impossible to get a hold of. Days
would go by, he would not return my calls, or when he did, he'd say something like, "oh I'm taking
it to the DMV for you" or "AAMCO." So I finally DO get a hold of him, I'm up all day taking the bus
home, they were way late, Scott woke me up, took me to his house, I gave him $60 cash plus $10
in gas, got receipt, took car home only to find the damn key don;t come out of ignition. I had a mi-
graine from hell, plus I hadn't yet had sleep, I couldn't deal with it. I called Scott & he gave some
other crap instructions that had to do with a screwdriver.. at which point I just said I'd deal with it
the next day. By the time I got home from work the next day, I'd slept over 14 hours, & made a
wise decision not to mention anything about this car business to Sam the guy I pay to drive me to
work 4 nights a week plus occasional once a week or every other week 2 the store to get groceries.

That right there costs me $80 a week which is a lot, yet still half the cost of a cab, plus no one else will help me. The bus routes only go 3/4 of the distance now due to cutbacks from our fucked up
economy, & it's a good 3 miles, too far to walk, especially late at night. Plus, I sitll have to pay
$12-$20/wk to get around by bus getting home from work, or if I have errands I need aside from my
allotted trip with Sam every wk or every other week. When I had the car, I paid $50/wk in gas. The
insurance was low, thank God for middle age at least lmao, the lube, oil, filter changes I kept up,
registration was cheap, but of course as usual life always sends some expensive shit I can't afford,
$1100 to fix the damn car when it broke----when I was back into my addition again & able to afford
it the LEAST. NOT mind you, that I would of been able to afford it had I still been clean, cause I
wouldn't of, hell no. I would, however had probably had some help from NA friends for at least 2
nights of my work week. I just couldn't go to NA pretending to be clean. I'm a terrible liar. Con-
trary to popular belief not ALL of us junkies ARE good liars because I suck so bad, it's not even
worth the hassle of doing so.

So, 2 days after I had Scott's car, he comes to the house, does not knock on my window like he
usually does when he wants something, nor did he bother knocking on Mom's door or try to call her.
I wake up to find Mom telling me the car is gone, I'm disoriented, & when I listened to my fone
messages I got while asleep, I got this cock & bull story from insurance agent saying even if I have
my own auto insurance, I can't legally drive car, blah blah, then Scott saying "sorry i have to take the
car back or I'm in trouble." Sure. He sold it to that whore Vanessa is what he did. He said she wanted
to buy it & her parents gave the money, so instead of telling me like a friend should and giving me back the $70, he acts like a snake and just takes the car. Mom was pissed & said she didn't appre-
ciate him on her property w/o permission to repossess anything. 3 days went buy and Scott re-
fused to call me back and THAT is when I for real blew the fuck up, blew his phone up & yeah I
shouldn't have, but I went off. He kept sending me text messages saying he has my money but
refused to call me or tell me a day/time he give me my money back. I had to keep on his ass, but
he said I was an asshole in so many words, whatever, gave me $40 said that was all he had &
got all pissy with me when I was late walking to the store to meet him coz he couldn't come to my
house or wouldn't. Whatever. He never used to screw me like that. He's now totally taking
advantage giving people raw deals & I guess our "friendship" is over due to how according to him
"i screwed him over" by calling his wife. I just asked her the real issue & could I have my $ back.

Whatever. I may be a crappy liar even if I am an active addict, but I still know a line of crap when I
hear one. Scott is over his head in his addiction so he's ripping others off in different ways, & con-
sequently telling more lies to his wife & everyone else lies, then telling more lies to cover himself
for the lies he told before. He thinks he's a good liar, but he doesn't fool anyone, not even his wife
who looks the other way, probably because they have a 9 year old son. I never should have done this
give money to Scott. I've kicked myself plenty of times, but he knew I am in a situation where I can't
afford %20 interest at a dealership, as I'm living check to check again. What an asshole. Not that
it matters, but I've lost my 2nd connection, although I learned I could never buy more than a 20 or 40
bag at the most & only when my main connect shit I get immune to. As far as his "friendship" he
showed me exactly what kind of "friend" ha ha he was & I still have 2 hound him for the other $30. He
said I had the car one day he's charging me for it, but I'm still gona hassle him, at least not let it drop
as fast as he hopes for. What a dick.


Weekend Warrior by Iron Maiden really seems to describe my journey through addiction. Starting as an occasional user (a "weekend warrior"), then becoming addicted, and finally struggling to break away from the drug and the lifestyle.


"The rebel of yesterday, tomorrow's fool
Who are you kidding being that cool?

Trying to break away from running with the pack
But they ain't listening so you've gotta go back

You're a weekend warrior when you're one of the crowd
But it's over... Just look at you now...

You're not so brave the way you behave
It makes you sick, gotta get out quick
It's all bravado when you're out with your mates
It's like a different person goes through those gates
And the game begins, the adrenalin's high
Feel the tension, maybe someone will die...

A weekend warrior lately
A weekend warrior sometimes
A weekend warrior maybe you ain't that way anymore

You've gotta get, out gotta get away
But you're in with a clique it's not easy to stray
You've gotta admit you're just living a lie
It didn't take long to work out why

It's hard to say why you got involved
Just wanting to be part
Just wanting to belong...

A weekend warrior lately
A weekend warrior sometimes
A weekend warrior maybe you ain't that way anymore

Some of the things that you've done, you feel so ashamed
After all it's only a game... isn't it?
And after all the adrenalin's gone
What you gonna do on Monday?

A weekend warrior lately
A weekend warrior sometimes
A weekend warrior maybe you ain't that way anymore

A weekend warrior lately
A weekend warrior sometimes
A weekend warrior maybe you were never like that at all."
How does my personality change when I’m acting out on my addiction? (For example: Do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can’t protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny?)

02/27/2010 11:22 AM

Now that I’m in recovery and I notice myself acting out on my addiction I see that my personality changes in a variety of ways. Depending on the catalyst, I can be full of rage, violent, detached/withdrawn, prone to isolation, calculating, arrogant, self-willed, obsessive, compulsive, self-centered and self-seeking.
I don't know why I even continue to get upset every year...

Its my birthday in 4 hours and its ridiculous for me to be so sad.

The last time I received a birthday card from my family was just from my grandmother in 2005.

And I have a rather large family... 7 aunts and uncles, 2 god parents, 7 cousins...

I've never had a surprise birthday party, well really I've never had a birthday party that I didn't organize.

a certain someone jew'd (litterally he is jewish and is being cheap) out of plans for tomorrow, that I organized myself. Which he's never surprised me with anything anyway-- ever really. Not a winner in the romance department.

Im just super upset, I didn't do anything last year and I was looking forward to have a little superficial joy with a brazilian waxing and some lunch. Guess it was too much.

I'll just buy myself those Jeffrey Campbell $150 dollars shoes right now, and call it a gift to myself.

sigh.
Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?

02/27/2010 2:01 PM

This is another HUGE question and I will answer it as it applies when I was in my active addiction. (by the way, the answer is ‘fuckin’ right I manipulated to maintain my addiction!’)

Many times, with various connections, I would get shit fronted to me with explanations of how I would get them back later even though I knew I didn’t have the resources to come up with enough money that equaled the amount of drugs I was fronted. Usually I came up with creative explanations as to where and when my money was expected.

Also, when living in Colorado, my connection lived at my place. I was successful at the time and had about $70,000+ in the bank so I I was able to buy a shitload of coke on a daily basis. It didn’t take long for the money to run out and for me to quit my (very excellent) job. I used the appearance of success to manipulate daily fronts of powder from him. I told him that I had a financial advisor that sent me monthly checks ($3,500/month) and since I was able to pay large amounts towards my tab he continued to front me coke. The $3,500/month was actually coming from my parents. I had given them $30,000 from the sale of my Pennsylvania home when I was previously clean.

02/27/2010 2:51 PM

Of course there are also all those times where I’ve put the thought of getting high into someone’s head knowing that they will eventually want something. I would then take their money up front (doubling the price), drive to the city and either pick up theirs (and my free ones) or never give them anything.

If I can think of any more by the end of the day I will jot them down. If not, I’ll move on to the next question.

02/27/2010 4:48 PM

Okay, how about the times I went to my parents place under the guise of wanting to visit when my true intention was to steal syringes from my diabetic dad.

I’m done answering this question.
I don't know what planet the person who says that snorting suboxone will precipitate withdrawl is from but one can absolutley insuflate subby's. I have even heard that it is possiblt to iv it too. People really need to be aware of what they speak of.
the awesome 4-cpu computers in the computer lab at my school are protected by the university's privacy policy, which is good. they boot off an image and wipe everything when they shutdown, so you know your files can't be stolen or read by anyone. but when you're working on a project, be sure to save early save often to a usb key, because if it freezes (and it will at the most inopportune time, after you do an hour of tedious work) you will have no way of getting that data back.
Just when I thought that I had my dreams under control my dreams bite me in the arse. They are telling me what I already know. I put it under NSFW to save space on the page, so you'll only see it if you want to. Its a little interesting and gets into my psyche, I guess my brain is giving me a nudge. Can one nudge back and tell it to fuck off? Like I haven't TRIED resolving all that is being told in the dream. It is a double ended dream, because some could mean one aspect in my life but I suspect it's just the obvious.
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NSFW:

1. Emotions expressed in dreams is a way for people to act out their feelings which they would not normally express if they were awake. This provides a "safe" outlet for these emotions instead of letting them be pent up.

2. If the man is known to you, then the dream may reflect you feelings and concerns you have about him.

3. To dream that you are sad, suggests that you need to learn from your disappointments and make yourself happy. Try not to dwell on the negative. The dream may be a reflection of how you are feeling in your waking life.

4. To dream that you or others are smiling, signifies that you are pleased with your achievements and approve of the decisions you have made. You will be rewarded for the good things you've done for others. Alternatively, you may be seeking for something or someone that will make you happy.

5. If the wind is blowing through your hair, then it signifies freedom to express uninhibited feelings. You are "letting your hair down".

6. To dream that you are walking with ease, signifies a slow, but steady progress toward your goals. You are moving through life in a confident manner. Consider your destination.

7. To see others fighting in your dream, suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life.

8. To hear running water in your dream, denotes meditation, reflection and pondering of your thoughts and emotions.

What would two guys fighting in a hole where a water main broke and water is gushing out and they are soaked?? HUh?? I hate "dream interperters" that only use cookie cutter definitions.

9. To see friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge these rejected aspects of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy tidings from them and the arrival of good news.�

To see your friends, saddened and troubled, in your dream, signifies sickness and distress upon them.

Q: what if you see said male friend happy at first then getting his ass kicked and sad not 2 minutes later by a large football (american) type male, exploding water, soaking wet, fight ends and you help him up. Then he walks away but he's dry and you try and follow him but lose him walking inside a University with a backpack on....?

Most of this is given but little things of that are not and it fustrates me that I can't understand the full meaning.

Backpack usually means a burden of some type, walking with ease means the above but walking away and not being able to see the expression on his face (except when I first helped him and his face looked sad/"useless" type look).

Why can't I find a good dream interpertation online. BAH! useless interwebz! :! LOL


From: www.dreammoods.com
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Though my dream "wish" was not even for me, I do wish it comes true and not for me for the person that it was intended for. I must tell you seeing said person in BLUE jeans and a BLUE jean denim shirt and shorter hair and his fucking eye glasses finally on....well if that's what to come, then YAY! he needs that. Plus it makes him look good, he looked healthy weight, and drug free.

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Myself, I am doing good. Fustrated a little with my ex and the lack of honesty and responsibility and signing the agreement papers to get this over with NOW. My medication is going ok, its not helping that much which needs addressing and I think it's making me angry more than anything.

I am not abusing any medication or ATOD. I have cut out caffine sadly :( LOL i will miss my cola but my health is more important. I have never been super into chocolate, so that is easy to cut out. I now have been stimulant free for 3 days.

I am running out of Clonazepam but I am not concearned as I am going to try and get off of them anyhow, as I see myself becoming too reliant on them and I could forsee an addiction forming.

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That Geneology show "Who Do You Think You Are" was actually pretty good. Its making me think I should get back into it seriously and stop being a chepo and putting money into my ancestry.com account so I can actually find shit out. Really even without the money input, to just put more effort and stop being so lazy.

I'm doing okay but I wish my dream would fuck off and let me forget it by time I wake up.

How can one move on if I get those freaking dreams. well at least it wasn't a sex dream this time LOL
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I might cut my hair today if the other lazy ass can stop being lazy and do it. I'll post a pic later tonight if I do.

Well, I need to get on with the day and "try to improve myself day by day" 8)
While I'm a bit embarrassed to be the subject of a theme, I must say that there have been some good suggestions so far. I found one myself earlier today, but I think that it didn't resize well. Thoughts?

I've been thinking about starting T lately. I want to wait until the custody papers are signed and he would have no reason to change his mind. Then again I feel like running downtown tomorrow.
I'm only thinking about the now now now because of the curse all FTM's hate each month. Its gotten me a little fed up and a little depressed.

I'm cutting my hair tomorrow, which has me happy. I only did it for the sake of my daughter asking me to keep it long at least until her birthday. I fulfilled her wish and now I can cut this lop off. Its the longest I've had it since elementry school and my parents were too cheap and more into crack then getting my hair cut. The one time my mom did take me out to chop it off, the hair dresser refused to do a "boy cut" on a "girl" Oh with my firey attitude, you can guess what I said before I promised never to return to their establishment, and promised to make sure I tell all my family and friends not to go there either and I stormed out. WTF? A "boy cut" i never knew haircuts were gender based too.....sheit.

Oh well, I got my own clippers now, don't need some schmo to do my hair I got ______ to cut my hair and he did good the last time, so I okay for him doing it tomorrow.

I can't wait to be at that point that I can be as happy as TransOutlaw in http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FQ47uhGHUM

Well he's not happy but the song is just a YAY! type song of becoming all that we dream to become and not have to settle for the ultimate mix up like some people I know that have "settled" for.

I can't wait to start y journey as I believe most of my mental issues stem with my GID.

In June I am going to start working out at the Y again, so I think that will be about the time I can start my journey. As long as "cheese dick" signs the papers and not causing us to go to case conference on April 16th.

Apparently he works construction now during the day and has no time, like WTf?! no time to sign papers to stop the BS and stress and get on with life so your kid doesn;t end up more fucked up? Ya, priorities. I fucking hate the bastard.

He has now lied severely on a legal document and might even be doing welfare fraud. My lawyer already had suspicions of the financials. i emailed her to let her know what is going on. I have yet to recieve a reply, I might not get one until Monday though.

Seriously, if he were to sign the papers this could all be done within a month and we could all move on with our lives and do what we need to do to get healthy. I have CBT in April, I can;t be missing a shitload of sessions because he wants to drag it out in court, plus doesn;t he realize that if he DOES have this "job" he would most likely LOSE it from missing work due to court.

Seriously he needs his head checked.

I also can;t wait for my show tonight, despite who is in it tonight I love Geneology and "Who Do You Think You Are" is a fab show about the very subject. If only they did NORMAL people too and not just famous people. Maybe they will if it picks up and they run out of interested famous people....LOL who knows....

Seriously who wouldn't want to know more on William Hay and Bruce The Great. I sure would love to know more about William Hay, fuck I know more about an ancestor from almost christs time more than I do my grandparents, how the fuck is that possible? Eh well. Apparently churches burn down and apparently there was alot of Emery Robert ******'s and Dora Parent was born but hey, no more info besides her birth. Stats Canada, you are a fucking joke. Blah!

Off to watch the show. I could go on for ages about Trans and Geneology. I better run now for the remote before I get stuck in here on the topic LOL =D
Over the last couple of weeks I had been the closest to suicide than I've ever been in my life. I had it all planned out. It was gonna be a totally clean and painless end to my life. I'd turned my back on my friends, my family, and the world. They were no longer relevant to me. I was staring death in the face, ready to make that leap into oblivion.

But something stopped me... I'm not sure what. Maybe I was scared that my plan wouldn't work, and I'd end up back in the psychiatric hospital. Or maybe there was some faint glimmer of hope - barely noticeable, but enough to keep me from doing it. Anyway, I didn't go through with my plan (obviously), and for now I've decided to stick around. My life has been one struggle after another, and I'm certain that there will be many more struggles ahead. But I'm feeling more stronger in myself, and ready to face whatever life has to throw at me. And who knows, maybe something good will come my way. I recently heard a saying that really resonated with me: "It's not the hand you're dealt that matters, it's how you play your cards."
What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values?

02/26/10 6:40 PM

I’m not about to start confessing things this early in the game (this question seems more along the lines of Fourth Step material) so I will keep it simple and vague.

* I lied.
* I ripped people off.
* I stole.
* I used people.
* I manipulated.
* I put my usage before the safety of others.
* I introduced people to coke who then got sucked into it.

‘Nuff said on this question.
What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values?

02/26/10 6:40 PM

I’m not about to start confessing things this early in the game (this question seems more along the lines of Fourth Step material) so I will keep it simple and vague.

* I lied.
* I ripped people off.
* I stole.
* I used people.
* I manipulated.
* I put my usage before the safety of others.
* I introduced people to coke who then got sucked into it.

‘Nuff said on this question.
8)Sometimes we convince ourselves that our change is maturity. But the mind unreels throughout our entire life. Thoughts and actions preceding our current states are merely stepping stones. We never stop expanding the limits of our personal universe. The first mistake I made with drugs, which on the light side of things isn’t as bad as some mistakes that can be had with certain substances, came from my overwhelming desire to explain the unknown, rationalize, attach spiritual awakenings, all that jazz that comes from an overwhelmingly beautiful trip. Sometimes you just have to enjoy the ride.

I hate to say it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. I believe both are counterparts, whether we like it or not. Sometimes we search and we may try drugs for that very reason, it’s something new. Our mind wants to try it because either something is missing, why not, it’s free, or well- you know...

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN/A FLASHBACK: After trying some bud, which I learned to smoke from a water bottle like a pro, the fine art of my then freshman ingenuity or rather resourcefulness to a freshman’s cheap nature, the next drugs I came across were ecstasy and Ketamine. Oh, House of Blues, A.C., DB concert.
I remember vividly, at one point during the show the left stage blue light standing out in my mind. Indescribable, probably unbelievable, yet undoubtedly I rationalized my obsession with the light. I was processing the color as a taste. If only I had written down the sensation I could describe it.

Needless to say I was intrigued. It led me to try, respectively, acid, dmt, doi, shrooms and the combination of such drugs with the earlier three. Oh, and I started keeping a journal- took a while to get the hang of drawing when the ink disappears from the page but I’m getting better and I usually write/draw on the come downs. I even have my friends add. What better things to do when chilling in hotels after shows?

A WANDERING MIND LET BACK:
Without recollection of the true reason, let alone a purpose, it seems that my drug use spawned from sheer boredom, an artist’s curious mind, the fact that it was so predominant in the concert scene and was provided easily (and thanks to good connections presumably the safest/cleanest I could get). I could list more but I’d rather get to the good part. Reporting. Get ready for the good stuff kiddies-I’m observant, descriptive, and won’t shy away from the truth, good and bad. Still somewhat new, yet quite experienced, let me tell you a story…or two-
as i type this i know that i'm succumbing to exactly what i want to address. but its fucked up. when i have money, i fucking give to every one. you want this? you need that? no problem. i got you. but now when i'm hurtin where the fuck is the payback. and i mean that literally. where is the fucking money you owe me? yea...when i gave it to you i said there wasn't a rush on getting it back to me. but come the fuck on. that was in fucking october. one person owes me over $300. another person owes me like $150. another owes me around $100. that shit could really help me out right now. but do these people even acknowledge that they owe it to me, knowing damn well that i need it? nope. they call cause they want shit from me. i'm really on the verge of deleting my facebook, myspace, twitter and changing my phone number. i'm fucking tired of the txt messages begging to reply or to do this or that. get the fuck off me! despite what you may think, i require certain things too. the same way you need shit to get shit done, i need it too. and i risked some serious shit helping you out with something you supposedly needed. oh so you finally got in trouble? do you realize wtf i've been through? some shit my fault, some not, but my family isn't exactly "making it rain" for me these days (and not for some time now.) they know better. so at times like these when i can no longer rely on them for help and my supposed friends owe me money like that and i don't hear a word about it, pardon me if i don't reply to your pathetic fucking txt messages. you need me? i literally flew to the other side of the fucking country to work with you and it was a fucking catastrophe. i thought i was disorganized. shit. act like a fucking professional if you wanna work with me. if you wanna talk to me. get your fucking head right, cuz i cant work with people who are "worse" than me. if you NEED my help, then i can't fucking work with you. the world does not revolve around you, my friend. i'm not saying i've never been in that mode before, but come the fuck on. we're fucking 25 years old here. when i was 21 i decided to start being honest with myself, start being honest with my mom. i'm not saying i'm 100% (not even close), but step back and fucking look at yourself for a moment. you are a fucking wreck. at 25 years old i can't afford to work with or even be associated with fucking wrecks. a wreck + a wreck can't fix shit. i wanna pick up the phone and just put all this to an end right now, but i honestly don't wanna hear you bitch about shit. you were literally crying to your friend when i was over there about how the whole trip was a mess and i wasn't doing shit. did u think for even a second that it might have something to do with you? no. i was lazy. i wasn't doing shit. truth is, i wanted to get the fuck outta there ASAP. and i almost did. i almost dipped out like a week early. fuck this. i'm done even thinking about you and your nonsense for the night.

FUCK YOU, PAY ME!
1/ When I was a little girl I walked out of the house my dad still lives in now and said to him 'Our house is a very magic house and nothing bad will ever happen here'. He still tells me this story to this day. I still believe it.

2/ I never ever wear high heels and am very boyish. I'm more comfy in jeans, chunky boots or trainers. I'm short so my jeans often end up scuffed at the bottom. This is a never ending problem. I ought to find myself a tailor.

3/ I have been tattooed by a homeless person. On my inner right wrist I designed it myself it consists of spirals and dots, spirals are important especially in nature. It was done in 2004 in my bedroom by a friend who was homeless at the time. I met him at a rock night at Newcastle Arena and we clicked. He was a professional tattooist living in a hostel. All the kit was fully sterilised. Last I heard he had been rehoused and was getting his life back on track. I have another on my back which was done in a tattoo shop.

4/ When I was 21 years old my Mother died. I miss her immensely and it had more of an affect on me than I probably know.

5/ When I was 27 years old my Boyfriend died. I blamed myself (and sometimes still do) for a long time but feel I am coming to terms with this in in the right way,if there is a right way!

6/ I'm not as strong as people seem to think, but maybe I am? I'm very good at pretending that everything is fine and using things to mask my feelings, but when I snap I really do snap. My finger is always half hovering over my self destruct button - often!

7/I can never stay in one place for too long, and could be accused of running away from things. I like to think that I have stopped this now. The longest I have ever stayed in one place other than 'birth home' is six months. I think I have lived in ten cities and 2 different countries, I lost track.

8/I am used to having few personal possessions and living out of suitcases and boxes. Objects are only material objects but it does get me down sometimes, I have to admit that. People are much more important though :)

9/I have a degree in English Literature yet I do not have what society would deem a career.This does not mean that I do not want one, there is time. I work behind a bar. I am forever being asked at work by people what my 'main job' is. This annoys me yet it does not. Learning about real people and myself is far more important to me than making money and meeting any ideal that society may force upon me. I have endless stories to tell that could probably write a book.

10/ I don't feel like I'm ever going to grow up. I look a lot younger than I actually am. I'm like Peter Pan.

11/ Music is my life. It mends broken hearts. I can't go a day without listening to some. I can't walk anywhere without music in my ears, even if it's just a five minute walk to the shop.

12/ I have been able to play piano since I was six. I can sight read music. Gave up on lessons and let my dad and myself teach me.

13/ I am always late, it's like it's built into me or something. I never lie about why I am late, I always tell the truth, even if I have to just say sorry I wanted another drink, or I had to stay and listen to one more song, or I got a later bus than planned! I refused to leave my mothers womb on time, maybe this is the reason why.

14/ I can no longer remember my natural hair colour. It has been messed around with that much that it is now loosing it's pigment and I will have to dye it for the rest of my life. It's currently half raven black and dark brown on the top. I decided to try get rid of the raven black it's been dyed for the past 5 years.

15/ I can't function on a morning without first having a cup of coffee. Until I have caffeine there is no point at all even attempting to speak to me with the intention of getting any sense out of me!

16/ 'No matter how cold the winter there's a spring time ahead' is one of my favourite lyrics. It's from 'Thumbing my way' by Pearl Jam. It reminds me that no matter how bad things seem nothing is forever and things will change.

17/ I love Nick Drake. This is one of my favourite pictures of him
http://ledebriefing.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/nick_drake.jpg He is said to be holding Psilocybin mushrooms. I am all for expanding ones mind.

18/I am forever putting off until tomorrow what I could easily do today.

19/ I love reading and usually have about 6 books on the go at once.

20/ I tend to help other people as much as I can, often this is detrimental to myself. I have been told that I do this as part of my running away issue to ignore anything that may be going on with me. I've come to a realisation recently, and have started to let others in to help ME!

21/ I bury my head. No explanation needed.

22/ When I was a little girl I used to dream of running away with the circus. I still do.

23/ I flew out of New York on the 10th of September 2001 (American time). The morning I arrived back in London the World Trade Building was hit by two planes, 9/11. A few months before I had decided to fly home on the 11th, but something made me change my flight at the last moment.

24/ I often create my own problems, or push people away to see if they will come back.

25/ I love Machiavellianism. If you don't know what it is look it up.
I've been feeling so sedated lately I'm unable to do almost anything. Can't write much, can't read much (hence why I haven't been replying to as many topics on BL as I used to), and I can't even follow a TV show or a film! It really sucks and it's making me feel pretty low (not to mention horribly bored).

I blame it all on the anti-psychotics I've been prescribed since leaving hospital. I'm now on 200mg's of seroquel a day, and up to 5mg's of haloperidol PRN (as needed) to control my mood, irritability, and all that jazz. But still, it's nasty stuff. I'm now sleeping a lot throughout the day and night, frequently having to change my pillow cover cos the haloperidol is making me drool like crazy! I hate it. And when I'm awake, I just seem to be spending my day chain smoking and listening to music.

At least there's no chance of me relapsing and getting high on meth while I'm taking all this shit. It seems to have built a reinforced concrete wall around my dopamine receptors. :\
Damn, I've just been looking at all the different boxes and bottles of pills I've been prescribed, and I'm fucking surprised (or maybe shocked!) at the number of different medications I have. Here we go:


Bupropion (Zyban/Wellbutrin) - norepinephrine/dopamine reuptake inhibitor anti-depressant - 150mg daily.

Clonazepam - anxiolytic and anti-convulsant benzodiazepine - 6mg daily.

Cyproterone acetate (Siterone) - anti-androgen - 50mg daily.

Diazepam (Valium) - anxiolytic, anti-convulsant and hypnotic benzodiazepine - 20mg daily.

Estradiol valerate (Progynova) - female sex hormone - 6mg daily.

Haloperidol - typical anti-psychotic - up to 5mg daily if needed.

Metoclopramide (Metamide) - anti-emetic - up to 40mg daily if needed.

Prochlorperazine (Stemetil) - anti-emetic and typical anti-psychotic - up to 20mg daily if needed.

Quetiapine (Seroquel) - atypical anti-psychotic - 150mg daily.
i want to feel. to love. to laugh. to sing uncontrollably until my vocal chords break.
i want to listen. to hear. to know. to not know then learn again.


i want life. i want it as it is. the only form it comes in. i want to taste. to dance. to be.
i want little sleep and a lot of coffee. i want to breath.


i want the wind in a bottle. i want boredom. jealousy. deprived complexities.
i want tuesday to have everything to do with friday and i want my eyes to register.


i want to hate. to be hated. to feel the pain in old knees.
i want to dream a million red and green dreams that shift my eyes into something beautiful.


i want lies to know the truth. i want vague replies. i want peace. beauty.
the simplistic nature of untimely catastrophes.


i want calamity and grace. i want to taste the tears to feel the bubble of laughter.
i want to fight. to win. to lose. to become. i want light in all directions for the sake of shadows.
I’ve done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?

02/26/10 1:42 PM

Well, some of the things I’ve done that go against the ideals of who I would like to be (as opposed to who I was) I will list according to character flaws or defects. You see, its real easy to say I want to be a humble, honest, selfless individual but actually practicing such things as humility, honesty and selflessness is quite different.

Below are examples:

Humility

Sometimes I strut around in meetings like I’m the baddest motherfucker in the room. Sometimes, yeah, I’m on-point and ready to fight. Why the hell would I carry myself in such a way and be willing to throw fists in a NA meeting? Well, there are some shady characters in the rooms, people with significant clean time that are looking to take advantage of us newcomers (especially the female newcomer). I have little tolerance for those who are looking to take advantage of us new folks.

We are vulnerable In the early stages of this recovery thing and, for me, I wanted/needed very badly to not have to be on my guard all the time. I was tired and needed my meetings to be a place where I could relax and let my guard down a little. For the most part, I can relax nowadays because I think people know not to fuck with me. The thing is, my cockiness and arrogance most certainly makes me unapproachable to people newer than me. This behavior that I’m exhibiting is simply another form of perpetrating isolation. The two previous time periods that I was involved in NA, isolation was a big issue for me. I need to avoid it at all costs. I agree with my sponsor, recovery is about many things and one of the most important of those things is positive relationships. I can’t have a positive relationship with anyone if I make myself unapproachable.

Temptation

Around the time I got out of rehab, I learned that syringes had recently become available over-the-counter without a prescription. Many times when grocery shopping, I have walked past that pharmacy just DYING to purchase a fresh box of spikes. Needles are VERY attractive to me (especially a fresh box of 100). The thought is always in my mind when I see a pharmacy nowadays. I have separated the thought from the action and I know that this question is asking ‘what have I actually acted out on’ but I need to call myself out on my needle fixation.

Below is another entry from my journal that exemplifies acting out in a manner that isn’t conducive to what I want to achieve:

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/blog.php?b=2288
It has been brought to everyone's attention that Dave needs an avatar!

Who can entice Dave with their choice??!?!

Okay- This is all for fun.
Dave may or may not choose any avatar suggested......BUT it could be fun to play the 'An Avatar for Dave' game anyway! :)

Good thinking you guys! :)


(Hopefully Dave doesn't block me and delete me from his Friends list for this;))
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