I am always dubious even bothering with this yahoo blog. Most of the time I don't even bother. I'm extremely disappointed in it ever since they had to go and fuck with it, against the majority of yahoo
customers at that. I'm constantly baffled at a world of people that insist upon fucking with shit,
merely to "upgrade" when there is nothing wrong or broken with the present system, that has in
fact served quite well. However in this world of progress, I'm the exception & not the rule. The
rest of the world can fuck off with their dumb ass upgrades since they must, but whenever I have
a choice not to, I will stick with what works best for me. If it's not broken, don't fix it. If it's NOT
working, THEN hey I'm all for assessing & fixing the problem with well researched information,
after which time, go right ahead & put up whatever the best possible solution is, see if it works.
If not, find one that does. It seems however that the world of "progress" & CORPSEorations
my views, not to mention myself personally, lol, are most unappreciated. I'm dismissed as
being "too slow" or what not & for years as a teen & even into my 30's, believed them & wondered
what was wrong with me.
The very young years were especially painful, as I grew up thinking I was stupid or "slow" as
"they" said. Much later I found out that "they" in fact were wrong. My IQ was somewhere in the
140's or so in certain areas, but it wasn't until the last year I researched & came across an
interesting tidbit of information. Most people learn from "visual" ques, a lesser amount through
"audio" meaning they learn from someone explaining or listening as opposed to watching better.
Not surprising, the last, & of course smallest of all of these "groups" came the ones that learned
by "kinethetically" or simply by doing. When I thought about that I got an "a ha!" moment & yeah
that's EXACTLY the way I learn, always have. In my early years both in school & the work force,
teachers or whoever was training me in a new job would "show" me once or twice, expect me to
remember it, then pick up speed (& I don't mean the kind I do now ha ha) & good to go.
It was also true though that if I managed NOT to get fired b4 this painful initiation ended (and btw
I don't mean due to my own fault of blowing off work because I got high--actually trying) I DID or
WAS eventually the fastest, most hardworking, & productive employee they had. But again, that
was only if the exasperated bosses/coworkers that gathered round and complained about me
being "too slow" didn't get me fired first. That whole trip was SO very demeaning & obviously I've
carried it around with me to this day. At least now I know to tell people, or whoever in any setting
or new situation where I'm expected to learn (the quicker the better of course) I now know to tell
them "don't show me. Let ME do it a couple times, but with YOU directing me.THAT way I WILL
learn & it will STICK." It's true too. I only wish I'd had this information 30 years ago, as it would
have saved me a great deal of pain & wondering why I couldn't "pick it up" like everyone else so
easily--& why after I did it MY way enough times I ended up hauling ass so well.
Like I said, this was without the excuse of drugs even. Of course well into my addiction, when I
made the mistake of giving into tweak that way much too good 4 me to leave it & go to work, those
were completely my fault & when I did my step work for NA, I felt so sorry & so sad for the times I
just completely flaked on nice people that didn't deserve that at all. I've noticed being back into my
addiction, I have tended to backslide in some areas, like blowing up at people. Erik can testify to
that, ha ha. It's not funny, but 2 things I'm NOT doing or 2 mistakes I'm NOT repeating over & over
that I kept making in the past are NOT blowing off work & NOT getting too tweaked or loaded TO
be going to work. I have 3 days off in a row that allow me to have that time & making it easier to
be the responsible person that both my employer, the family I work at, & I deserve. Also, at least
I will wait 2 or 3 whole days after someone has pissed me off, like Scott, for example BEFORE
blowing up.
Scott convinced me to buy his car, that if I put $200 down & make that much in payments every
month, he'd let me have the car, sign it over to me. His wife wrote up a contract. It would have been
paid off in 5 months. Long story short, Scott is like fucking almost impossible to get a hold of. Days
would go by, he would not return my calls, or when he did, he'd say something like, "oh I'm taking
it to the DMV for you" or "AAMCO." So I finally DO get a hold of him, I'm up all day taking the bus
home, they were way late, Scott woke me up, took me to his house, I gave him $60 cash plus $10
in gas, got receipt, took car home only to find the damn key don;t come out of ignition. I had a mi-
graine from hell, plus I hadn't yet had sleep, I couldn't deal with it. I called Scott & he gave some
other crap instructions that had to do with a screwdriver.. at which point I just said I'd deal with it
the next day. By the time I got home from work the next day, I'd slept over 14 hours, & made a
wise decision not to mention anything about this car business to Sam the guy I pay to drive me to
work 4 nights a week plus occasional once a week or every other week 2 the store to get groceries.
That right there costs me $80 a week which is a lot, yet still half the cost of a cab, plus no one else will help me. The bus routes only go 3/4 of the distance now due to cutbacks from our fucked up
economy, & it's a good 3 miles, too far to walk, especially late at night. Plus, I sitll have to pay
$12-$20/wk to get around by bus getting home from work, or if I have errands I need aside from my
allotted trip with Sam every wk or every other week. When I had the car, I paid $50/wk in gas. The
insurance was low, thank God for middle age at least lmao, the lube, oil, filter changes I kept up,
registration was cheap, but of course as usual life always sends some expensive shit I can't afford,
$1100 to fix the damn car when it broke----when I was back into my addition again & able to afford
it the LEAST. NOT mind you, that I would of been able to afford it had I still been clean, cause I
wouldn't of, hell no. I would, however had probably had some help from NA friends for at least 2
nights of my work week. I just couldn't go to NA pretending to be clean. I'm a terrible liar. Con-
trary to popular belief not ALL of us junkies ARE good liars because I suck so bad, it's not even
worth the hassle of doing so.
So, 2 days after I had Scott's car, he comes to the house, does not knock on my window like he
usually does when he wants something, nor did he bother knocking on Mom's door or try to call her.
I wake up to find Mom telling me the car is gone, I'm disoriented, & when I listened to my fone
messages I got while asleep, I got this cock & bull story from insurance agent saying even if I have
my own auto insurance, I can't legally drive car, blah blah, then Scott saying "sorry i have to take the
car back or I'm in trouble." Sure. He sold it to that whore Vanessa is what he did. He said she wanted
to buy it & her parents gave the money, so instead of telling me like a friend should and giving me back the $70, he acts like a snake and just takes the car. Mom was pissed & said she didn't appre-
ciate him on her property w/o permission to repossess anything. 3 days went buy and Scott re-
fused to call me back and THAT is when I for real blew the fuck up, blew his phone up & yeah I
shouldn't have, but I went off. He kept sending me text messages saying he has my money but
refused to call me or tell me a day/time he give me my money back. I had to keep on his ass, but
he said I was an asshole in so many words, whatever, gave me $40 said that was all he had &
got all pissy with me when I was late walking to the store to meet him coz he couldn't come to my
house or wouldn't. Whatever. He never used to screw me like that. He's now totally taking
advantage giving people raw deals & I guess our "friendship" is over due to how according to him
"i screwed him over" by calling his wife. I just asked her the real issue & could I have my $ back.
Whatever. I may be a crappy liar even if I am an active addict, but I still know a line of crap when I
hear one. Scott is over his head in his addiction so he's ripping others off in different ways, & con-
sequently telling more lies to his wife & everyone else lies, then telling more lies to cover himself
for the lies he told before. He thinks he's a good liar, but he doesn't fool anyone, not even his wife
who looks the other way, probably because they have a 9 year old son. I never should have done this
give money to Scott. I've kicked myself plenty of times, but he knew I am in a situation where I can't
afford %20 interest at a dealership, as I'm living check to check again. What an asshole. Not that
it matters, but I've lost my 2nd connection, although I learned I could never buy more than a 20 or 40
bag at the most & only when my main connect shit I get immune to. As far as his "friendship" he
showed me exactly what kind of "friend" ha ha he was & I still have 2 hound him for the other $30. He
said I had the car one day he's charging me for it, but I'm still gona hassle him, at least not let it drop
as fast as he hopes for. What a dick.
%)
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
maybe when I jump off of the suboxone I'll keep a record, but right now I just guess. I'm not off by more than a week or two I'm sure. Either way the point is I'm doing REALLY well. It's just finally so awesome to be able to post something positive in my blog here. I'm babysitting my nephew today and he's so much fun, we watched Spongebob and played with his toys all morning, then we went outside and jumped on the trampoline, he swung on the swing for a bit, and now he's sitting on my lap playing with the webcam while I type this. I 
him.
