08-04-2008 03:45
I was just gonna pop this in as a journal entry but maybe the realization i had tonight might help someone elses brain start turnin'.
I had a couple bucks and got a deal. I haven't really used in a while and when I shot this shit I was fuckin scared. It was a great rush but it was one of those things where i didn't know if it was going to take me over the edge or taper off. I couldn't enjoy this first shot because I thought it might take me out. I kept saying "I'm ok, I'm ok" over and over out loud until the rush tapered off. I acquired this habit awhile ago whenever I thought I was going to bottom out.
I had a decent amount for the night but after that first one I made little tiny shots that really did nothing.
Well, my point... I can't hang anymore with this shit. If I can't enjoy it than I ain't fuckin doin' it. My tolerance went down and with it (even through such a brief time) I lost the connection between me and the drug (make sense?). I was so used to doing it so often I had a strong tolerance and understanding of what was what during my high. After a small bit of time, indulging tonight actually scared me.
It was from a different source and the quality was NICE. So nice that it kicked my ass and said "fuck you! keep slammin' me and I'll make you afraid of each taste."
I hope that kinda makes sense to someone. Mods, my apologies if this belongs elsewhere
09-05-2008 00:18
Hey everyone,
I was looking over my previous posts an realized that I never knew about subscribing to threads (duh!)
Anyway, looking over the responses to my original post makes me feel like I'm in the company of some fucking amazing REAL people.
Update...
I still use rather heavily every day but not to the extent of what I was previously doing,.
When I was clean, I was successful in the corporate world and bought a house in CO as well as a variety of 'things and stuff'
I gave my connect one of these things (my prized 52" LCD TV). I bought it for 3 grand and some change and he offered me 2k off my debt. The current store value is $2,300. I actually told him he was fucking himself with that price and told him $1,500 off my debt was more reasonable. He said he just wanted to help me out but accepted (and respected) the deal.
OK, I'm catered to by my parents, even at 37 years old, but they actually gave me a credit card. I told my connect that I should pay interest on my debt and started buying gift cards from the grocery store and took half the value in blow and told hum to keep the other half as interest. This dude is alright. He never said 'Why don't you give me the full value and you don't get any powder'
I pawned 2 nice watches (at fuckun' 20% their value) and gave him the loot (minus a small bag).
I'm now down to a little over 6k in debt to my boy.
I was supposed to move back to the Philadelphia area on the 2nd but I've been still using so, as it goes, I've been putting off everything concerning the move.
I was planning on getting some sleep tonight and just putting clothes, food for the dog and the basic necessities. Well, I haven't really slept or eaten properly (due to shooting this shiti) n the past 2 days so instead of leaving tonight I figure I'll pack up tomorrow and get away from the easy availability of shit and the desire to see all the people I left when I chased after a career halfway across the country.
This will be good since the only person I really hang out with out here is my connect. Yeah, I can get shit easily back east but not as easily convenient as where I'm locaated now. I've been spoiled with the (what I thought was any fiends dream (almost unlimited supply on credit RIGHT THERE for the taking. Shit, he even said that i could go into his stash if I needed more because I was 'honest' and 'had money'.
I'm no longer honest and simply led him to believe I had money.
I will pay my debt (it'll take a long time though). Dude has been WAY too cool and providing for me to fuck him over.
Just thought I'd give an update
09-08-2008 18:52
Drove 32 hours+ straight to my old stomping grounds and am now sitting at my new spot. It was a VERY uncomfortable drive but its over.
I plan on hitting a meeting tomorrow because I'm freakin' dying to (hopefully) see old faces and get some REAL hugs from other addicts.
I am, to be honest, having a couple beers right now. I NEVER drink beer but its so freakin' hot and humid that I thought I'd just chill.
I'm happy that an unknown neighbor has an unsecure wireless network since all I have is a mattress, clothes, radio and computer until 4 to 6 weeks when my stuff arrives.
-----After reading that last sentence I realize I'm pretty fortunate. I haven't done actual drugs in about 4 days(?). 3 or 4 days, I'm not too sure. At least I'll hopefully know my clean date tomorrow
09-16-2008 17:06
Hey folks,
I'm gettin' there slowly. My HP definitely doesn't want me to use. I slipped on Sunday night and went to the city and bought some rocks even though I think crack is a waste. I got ripped off and was kinda thankful that I did.
My emotions are all over the place and I have all these feelings all of a sudden that I have no idea how to deal with. For example: I had severe suicidal thoughts last night and cried but today I feel pretty good. This is par for the course, I suppose.
I'll have health insurance on the first of October and I plan on seeing a drug counselor as soon as the insurance kicks in. I want a counselor that was an addict so that he/she can see through all my bullshit.
I am still questioning my commitment (if I have one) to recovery. I arrived in town last monday and made 2 meetings in 3 days. I called 2 addicts from the phone list I was given (spoke with one, left a message for the other) but I haven't been to a meeting since.
It was cool to meet FightClub and we are hitting a meeting tonight.
I'm also working at my friend's pizzeria. This is a blessing and a curse. I'm making money but there is a bar across the street that I've been going to (yes, I have been drinking beer but haven't been drunk yet) that caters to a well-known bike club. I think I may be setting myself up by going there. Maybe I'm not comitted at all? I thought I had hit my bottom but I don't know.
I love being around recovering addicts but sometimes I feel like I'm not good/well enough to breathe the same air as them. I also think that the things I want to share are either trivial or something that they will judge me for and turn their backs on me.
Sorry for the long post. Just thought I would give an update. I try to make journal entries as often as possible. I figure that if I do get clean I can look back and read my entries whenever I feel weak
I know that I am 100% grateful that I stumbled upon BL when I did. Thanks
I was just gonna pop this in as a journal entry but maybe the realization i had tonight might help someone elses brain start turnin'.
I had a couple bucks and got a deal. I haven't really used in a while and when I shot this shit I was fuckin scared. It was a great rush but it was one of those things where i didn't know if it was going to take me over the edge or taper off. I couldn't enjoy this first shot because I thought it might take me out. I kept saying "I'm ok, I'm ok" over and over out loud until the rush tapered off. I acquired this habit awhile ago whenever I thought I was going to bottom out.
I had a decent amount for the night but after that first one I made little tiny shots that really did nothing.
Well, my point... I can't hang anymore with this shit. If I can't enjoy it than I ain't fuckin doin' it. My tolerance went down and with it (even through such a brief time) I lost the connection between me and the drug (make sense?). I was so used to doing it so often I had a strong tolerance and understanding of what was what during my high. After a small bit of time, indulging tonight actually scared me.
It was from a different source and the quality was NICE. So nice that it kicked my ass and said "fuck you! keep slammin' me and I'll make you afraid of each taste."
I hope that kinda makes sense to someone. Mods, my apologies if this belongs elsewhere
09-05-2008 00:18
Hey everyone,
I was looking over my previous posts an realized that I never knew about subscribing to threads (duh!)
Anyway, looking over the responses to my original post makes me feel like I'm in the company of some fucking amazing REAL people.
Update...
I still use rather heavily every day but not to the extent of what I was previously doing,.
When I was clean, I was successful in the corporate world and bought a house in CO as well as a variety of 'things and stuff'
I gave my connect one of these things (my prized 52" LCD TV). I bought it for 3 grand and some change and he offered me 2k off my debt. The current store value is $2,300. I actually told him he was fucking himself with that price and told him $1,500 off my debt was more reasonable. He said he just wanted to help me out but accepted (and respected) the deal.
OK, I'm catered to by my parents, even at 37 years old, but they actually gave me a credit card. I told my connect that I should pay interest on my debt and started buying gift cards from the grocery store and took half the value in blow and told hum to keep the other half as interest. This dude is alright. He never said 'Why don't you give me the full value and you don't get any powder'
I pawned 2 nice watches (at fuckun' 20% their value) and gave him the loot (minus a small bag).
I'm now down to a little over 6k in debt to my boy.
I was supposed to move back to the Philadelphia area on the 2nd but I've been still using so, as it goes, I've been putting off everything concerning the move.
I was planning on getting some sleep tonight and just putting clothes, food for the dog and the basic necessities. Well, I haven't really slept or eaten properly (due to shooting this shiti) n the past 2 days so instead of leaving tonight I figure I'll pack up tomorrow and get away from the easy availability of shit and the desire to see all the people I left when I chased after a career halfway across the country.
This will be good since the only person I really hang out with out here is my connect. Yeah, I can get shit easily back east but not as easily convenient as where I'm locaated now. I've been spoiled with the (what I thought was any fiends dream (almost unlimited supply on credit RIGHT THERE for the taking. Shit, he even said that i could go into his stash if I needed more because I was 'honest' and 'had money'.
I'm no longer honest and simply led him to believe I had money.
I will pay my debt (it'll take a long time though). Dude has been WAY too cool and providing for me to fuck him over.
Just thought I'd give an update
09-08-2008 18:52
Drove 32 hours+ straight to my old stomping grounds and am now sitting at my new spot. It was a VERY uncomfortable drive but its over.
I plan on hitting a meeting tomorrow because I'm freakin' dying to (hopefully) see old faces and get some REAL hugs from other addicts.
I am, to be honest, having a couple beers right now. I NEVER drink beer but its so freakin' hot and humid that I thought I'd just chill.
I'm happy that an unknown neighbor has an unsecure wireless network since all I have is a mattress, clothes, radio and computer until 4 to 6 weeks when my stuff arrives.
-----After reading that last sentence I realize I'm pretty fortunate. I haven't done actual drugs in about 4 days(?). 3 or 4 days, I'm not too sure. At least I'll hopefully know my clean date tomorrow
09-16-2008 17:06
Hey folks,
I'm gettin' there slowly. My HP definitely doesn't want me to use. I slipped on Sunday night and went to the city and bought some rocks even though I think crack is a waste. I got ripped off and was kinda thankful that I did.
My emotions are all over the place and I have all these feelings all of a sudden that I have no idea how to deal with. For example: I had severe suicidal thoughts last night and cried but today I feel pretty good. This is par for the course, I suppose.
I'll have health insurance on the first of October and I plan on seeing a drug counselor as soon as the insurance kicks in. I want a counselor that was an addict so that he/she can see through all my bullshit.
I am still questioning my commitment (if I have one) to recovery. I arrived in town last monday and made 2 meetings in 3 days. I called 2 addicts from the phone list I was given (spoke with one, left a message for the other) but I haven't been to a meeting since.
It was cool to meet FightClub and we are hitting a meeting tonight.
I'm also working at my friend's pizzeria. This is a blessing and a curse. I'm making money but there is a bar across the street that I've been going to (yes, I have been drinking beer but haven't been drunk yet) that caters to a well-known bike club. I think I may be setting myself up by going there. Maybe I'm not comitted at all? I thought I had hit my bottom but I don't know.
I love being around recovering addicts but sometimes I feel like I'm not good/well enough to breathe the same air as them. I also think that the things I want to share are either trivial or something that they will judge me for and turn their backs on me.
Sorry for the long post. Just thought I would give an update. I try to make journal entries as often as possible. I figure that if I do get clean I can look back and read my entries whenever I feel weak
I know that I am 100% grateful that I stumbled upon BL when I did. Thanks