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Today is Monday, April 19th, 2010 and it is now 325 AM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

When we last talked Jackie's sister had put an idea into her head about Jackie possibly giving up 1 of her 2 young daughters. I had jumped off the handle and heavily criticised the idea before stopping to realise that this was Jackie's non-confrontational way of approaching contentious ideas.

Having ascertained that Jackie had been independantly thinking of the idea even before the sister mentioned it, I re-assured Jackie that I will love her no matter what she chooses to do.

Jackie had tried to put the decison on me and I refused outright, explaining to her that were we ever to argue seriously (and of course all couples do), I could not bear to hear her accuse me of making her lose her kids.

And now our show...

2 days later we reached one of those lulls that takes place when a couple IMs 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. I decided to re-introduce the subject of giving up one or both of her daughters. I am ashamed to admit that in the interim the idea had sort of grown on me. After all, I had long wanted to move to Cambodia full time and this would enabe us to do that if we chose. Of course I remained absolutely quiet on the subject for fear of influencing her decison.

Rachamim:"So, baby, remember the subject we talked about the other day? Have you thought about it at all since then?"

Jackie:"What? giving up the girls? Yes, I have."

R:"OK, well what did you decide?"

J:"I am going to give them both up."

R:"Whoaaaaaaa...Are you sure Jackie?"

J:"Yes, I am absolutely sure and this is not because of you, not because of their father, but because it is best for the girls and best for everybody."

*At this point I almost screamed at her. Her ex, as I have explained in previous entries, is a Tausug Tribesman. The Tausug, the indigenous tribe of the Sulu Archipelago between Mindanao and Borneo and resident in the Philippines, Brunei, Malaysia and Indonesia are the tribe responsible for the bulk of violence in the Southern Philippines. from Islamic Insurgency (MNLF, ASG and JI) to large scale commercial piracy and clan feuds the Tausug pain and unpretty picture.

The Philippines has a unique attribute its people should be very proud of: Even super market cashiers must have university degrees. the Tausug by contrast generally have less than 4 years of formal schooling for males, and less or none for females.

Muslims, they marry their daughters off to males of their choosing, almost always 1st cousins, do so by puberty, and always after first removing their clitoris at age 5 to 6. Jackie's eldest is 5. A particularly alarming tribal custom, independant of Islam, involves kidnapping and rape as away in which to acquire wives. Up to 60% of Tausug marriages begin this way.

Still, one cannot change an entire culture. These things exist for *(literally) billions of people and as someone with a degree in an anthropological discipline I am more than aware of the folly of examining a foreign culture through the stunted prisom of my own. He IS their father, that is a fact. As long as he will not beat them or rape them, I cannot judge his cultural practices...but there is a huge part of me wondering whether-or-not I am rolling over far too easily so as to make my and Jackie's life easier.

J: "Baby, do you think bd of me?"

R: "My love I can never do that, EVER. You are the love of my life, my soul mate and in a way I believe I understand your reasoning. However, please explain to me your reasons for doing this.

J:"Raki you are so very white, with coloured eyes [sic]. when we have our babies they will be noticeably 'mestiso' [sic] {a cooption of the Spanish word from the Colonial Era-for mix raced, Spanish and Native American- when Mexico and the Philippines were one governmental entity}. People will see us, and our babies, and they will see they are from you, and from me. They will then see the girls and realise that they are not yours. They will also tease the girls terribly and I want my daughters happy.

*As I noted in my BL Journal back in 2006 or 2007, people in the Philippines (just like anywhere) tend to be overly focused on matters of race and skin colour. Skin whitening products are a huge money maker and there are traveling quacks going about selling operations on the nose and/or eyelids to offer a more Western appearance (the actual result however is more like an extra-terrestial).

The girls are dark skinned, even for the average Filipino because the Tausugs are a darker skinned tribe.

Jackie continued...

J:"I am also worried about Hamza (not his real name), he will not quit until he has the girls or he has me back. It is better for all of us to let them go to their father.

R:"Baby, you do realise that once you give them away you will never be able to see them again and most likely will never hear of them as well?"

*Filipino Muslims, like Hamza, are subject to Shari'a Law (Islamic Law). Shari'a Law dictates that males ALWAYS gain total custody, no visitations are allowed (since there is no divorce for non-Muslims there is no such thing as Custody Cases). Once Hamza gets the girls he will pprobably spirit them to his home island of Jolo, a war racked spit of land which might as well be a different nation...

J:"I kno baby but this is my decison and I am sure of it."

R:"Well, on that note I support you as I said I always would. I love you and will always remember this sacrifice you are making..."

**On that note, character count dictates I must finish off this entry and continue in a subsequent one...
Sometimes, more and more often I can't stand how I perceive the world or rather how I act to be perceived in various situations. I was taught that partly but before that I was the same too, just not a trained one. But one might take a soldier as an example too, a special forces soldier, totally brain-washed to obey all orders. Well, at the end of the day I've never been a guinea pig but it might have just been too much for me to bear. I could cope with that while I still could do my job. I was good at it, I know it, they know it. Now I lost it, I'm losing my lab, more and more acquaintances from the past disappear. I don't believe in mass suicide in jail, one by one, there's always a cause.

So here I'm somewhere in my thoughts, a retired 'soldier'. Right, it's always hard to accept one thing about it. It's a superb thing to do, exceptional, fascinating, immersing, prestigious... But you mustn't tell anyone who you are. Fucking bureaucracy. Protecting idiots who rule and who are in no way different than fraudsters, cheaters, and thieves.

And what am I now? This was like my way of living, where I found myself, where I thought I was at the right place.

Faces. A lot of faces. Different faces. Masks. One for smiling, one for crying, one for hiding feelings. Lie, pretend, fake, whatever is needed. Beat, torment, kill, do whatever you need to get the facts.

We see you as an experienced guy, feel to be chosen, we smash other people like you normally, we don't have to think, we already know. This is kind of your new life, get used to it. To be honest you should already have. Such a craft demands seconds to make decisions.

I already had. It never mattered to me if the color of what I do is black or white.

We got your tests. You're a fucking borderline personality disorder having son of a bitch. There's methadone, some morphine derivatives and benzodiazepines in your blood. We don't care. We do it that way. We put our test into your case instead and you take this to fake another blood tests. We don't mind getting drugged as long as you're not so fucked up that you can't think fast. Yes, you're going to think in nanoseconds. You know what 'nano' means? You better do.

I swallow the god-damned pill. I take the test. Voila, I'm high as a kite and the lab says 'he's clean'. I think fast, I think super fast. I pass all tests after training.

Months passed...

Do I really have to get back to opening anything that is supposed to be safely closed? Yeah, life is sort of a circle. Recurs. Repeats. Like a crossover cable but it does recur.
snap

another 48 hours gone, blown away in a blur. money i earn slaving away every week day, goes down the tubes again in a haze of drugs and alcohol.

lines of white powder mean i live in the night and sleep in the day. another weekend of temporary new friends, of empty smiles and laughter. waking up in another nameless girl's bed, the shameful stumble home in the morning.

drugs sex and rock n roll, thats what youth is all about right? why is it still so empty? who promised me the world and delivered nothing?

the steady encroaching feeling of wanting to throw it all away follows me still. whispered words to leave it all behind, leave the lonely castle i've built for myself. im not good enough, it was all for naught.

is it the courageous option to turn away and run, or stay and fight?

I always dream of new beginnings, maybe the dream should be to fix the one i've started? pick up the pieces and show her, show them that ive won? what does that even mean? is this about revenge? about proving myself to someone who doesnt even care?

i'm still running, still escaping hiding. every good turn i've made in the past year, i've gone back a thousand times over. there has been no progress, even regression. i haven't faced anything, and again, i know that tonight, i'll hide again.

there is no end in sight, no great revelation which will turn things around. just more darkness. slowly unfocusing.
I have been wanting to write for a while now, its been in the back of my mind pushing its way to the front yearning for expression. What is yearning for expression I am not sure, but there is definitely a desire to let my thoughts and my heart pour on to the canvas. Today I went to Mass for the first time in over a year . And this has been one of a handful of times I have gone in the past five years. As I grew up I never found much interest in Mass though I have always been infatuated by religion and spirituality. I never quite understood what the priests were saying or worse I was so far towards the back as my Mom was habitualy late to everything that I was unable to clearly hear what they were saying. As I grew older we stopped attending church as it didnt seem to do much for my Mom or step dad or me for that matter.

But there was always a spark inside of me waiting to be kindled yearning for some understanding of life some meaning, some point to it all some higher or greater truth... something. I knew that there was something to existance or life , I knew that there was something I was missing, life was not just some random meaningless jumble of atoms. This spark for truth grew as my grandpa and I started to talk on the issues of God and the universe. My Grandpa is a stoud Athiest, who believes in the rationality of man and the sciences. He told me that God is like santa clause. He has played the role of the skeptic in my life always questioning spirituality and my later drug induced experiences of oneness with the universe.

But back to where all this started I went to Mass today and I found it beautiful, besides the priest essentially calling people deadbeats if they were unable to donate money to the church. I had shivers up my spine and hair stood on end as I listened to the hymns and prayers. I felt my heart slowly opening, and a silence blanketed my mind. Even as I first walked into the church today there was a certain energy in the air, I felt a subtle calm, a soothing feeling. I will no doubt be going to Mass again as there is something to be gained by going, I still feel uplifted 2 and a half hours after mass ended. For the past three years or so I abandoned my Catholic roots completely in search of my own truth and it started with my experimentation with psychedelics especially LSD and psilocybin.

As soon as I had my first experiences with psychoactive substances the fire in my heart blossomed. There was no turning back. Those chemicals opened my eyes to another way of seeing, another way of experiencing, it was like a key that let me walk out of my own psychological prison. Boy did I walk out, I burned the prison down and felt alive for the first time, my breath was fantastic, it was exhilirating. My senses felt electric. I looked into others eyes and it was as if I was looking into the depth of their being, not even... my own being. There was a deep unity, but not on a mental level but a feeling, even beyond feeling it was a seeing, a deep knowing that all was love, all was ok. Life was beautiful. Damn was it beautiful. Like so superbly beautiful these words are dead in comparison. And this did not feel like some drug induced delusion, some fake hallucination, this felt more real, more meaningful then anything that had ever happened in my life. Its like truth took a hammer and knocked me out of my head and most of all my misery. The problem with this experience is that it didnt stay, once I came down it went away, the chains slowly weighed me back down again, the prison walls were built back up. And that was the problem with every one of these experiences which for me were innumerable I couldnt get enough as every time I did it I was one with it all, saw beauty and truth in everything. Later to come down to the same old "me" the same old dead reality, the mundane drone of it all. But I clung to these experiences knowing that they were pointing to something greater, pointing to who or what the hell we really are.

Thats when I discovered Buddhism and eventually Timothy Leary and later Ram Dass. This put my experiences into perspective, and made me know for certain that I was not insane, but there was something to these insights gained through drugs. For those of you who dont know who Timothy Leary or Richard Alpert are (ie. Ram Dass) they were PhD. psychologists from Harvard who researched, consumed and popularized LSD and mushrooms in America. They were the guru's of the 60's authors of numerous books, and psychonaut explorers. They became my heroes as they were people who I could relate to, people who had been to the edge of their minds and beyond and came back to tell about it. The problem with my experiences was that no one knew what the hell I was talking about, didnt care or thought I had a case of LSD insanity. But when you have lived a typical normal life, and then something that mindblowing enters your life you cant help but become obssesively passionate about it. I was like a preacher for LSD and any psycho-active drug for that matter for I knew there was something. Eventually the chemicals stopped working or the supply evaporated and I was left with ganja, I realized that those experiences were impermanent and if I wanted to live in the modern world I could not be high on lsd and mushrooms a few times a week. I stuck to pot and started meditating and burning incense, that was my idea of spirituality light a joint, and read the Buddha.


Over the next year or so I devoured anything Buddhist... actually anything Eastern. The ideas of suffering, emptiness, no-self, enlightenment and imperamanence fascinated me not to mention Reincarnation which to me sounded romantically mystical. Whats interesting about Buddhism is that suffering and impermanance arent really theories or faith based ideas they are basic observations of the reality we inhabit. Everything changes, everything perishes, everything dies and every human I have met has suffered at one point or another if not continually. So I could jive with these concepts because they were fundamental truths that I could confirm in my own existance. Just watch how truly impermanent everything in your life is. You dont even have to look around you just watch your breath.... in and out each breath fades into nothingness. Your thoughts come and go. Relatives die. Meals end. Sensations end. Emotions end. Your favorite dog or pet dies. The days pass by and before you know it your old... nothing is static, nothing is permanent. Buddhism brings this truth right into the broad daylight of your consciousness. Its like KABLAM death is at your door step, and you dont have to wait to the end of your life, its happening, and its all around you, this whole life is melting away fading into impermanance.

Now this seems overly nihilistic like who the hell would want to learn a religion that emphasizes suffering and impermanance? But there is a light at the end of the tunnel which is enlightenment, or liberation from suffering which Buddhists call awakening from Samsara or the dream. Thats what Buddha means... awakened one. They asked the buddha are you a saint? Are you a God? he said no, I am awake. So the beauty in this religion is that there is an end to your suffering a way out. When you awaken from the dream of your self, birth, old age, sickness and death then you are free from the cycle of rebirth free from the pains of existance. You are a Buddha. Basically the fundamental nature of your own mind is Buddha-nature, or as Tibetans call it the Dharmakaya the eternal clarity, spaciousness, love and compassion that is the true nature of all beings and all things. And when you realize yourself to be this fundamental awakeness then you are freed from your ignorance.

Now that sounds great but Westerners are gonna say how is this any different then the God who sits on his throne and where is the practicality in it all?

To be continued.... much more to come gotta go for now
Rush - The rush is the immediate effects of a hit, when smoking or IV'ing meth. Physiologically it's characterised by an increased heart rate, metabolism and blood pressure due to a flood of dopamine and norepinephrine in the brain. Users also become more energetic, confident, sociable, and talkative. Unlike the rush from crack cocaine, which is very brief, the rush from methamphetamine can last up to half an hour.

High - The high follows the rush, and basically consists of the same effects but to a lesser extent. The effects continue to diminish as time goes on. The high can last from 8 to 12 hours.

Tweaking - Tweaking happens when a user has been binging on large amounts of meth, and often staying awake for one or more nights. The high is no longer pleasurable, and the user tends to withdraw socially and become more introverted. While tweaking, a user often feels very dysphonic and empty. Repetitive motions and activities such as scratching, searching, tidying, and so on, tend to occur while a user is tweaking. Psychosis is also most common in this stage.

Crash - Once a binge is over, the user needs to rest and catch up on large amounts of sleep. The body's dopamine has been depleted, so the crash is often accompanied by depression. The crash generally lasts between 1 and 3 days, depending on how long the user was binging for.

Withdrawal - After the crash, and once the drug has completely left the body, regular heavy users will tend to enter methamphetamine withdrawals. They'll become depressed, anxious, irritable, unsociable, and will constantly crave more meth. Most of these symptoms are psychological, but physical symptoms such as nausea and aches aren't uncommon.

PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) - Occurs in many recovering meth addicts, once they've past the worst of the withdrawals. Depression, apathy, and anhedonia (the lack of ability to feel pleasure) are the most common symptoms. PAWS can last from a couple of months to a year or more, and is essentially the result of damage to the brain's dopamine pathways.
Addiction: When you can quit a drug whenever you want, but only after one more hit...

Alcohol: The cause of, and the temporary solution to, many of life's problems.

Benzodiazepines: Sedatives that relax you to the point of spilling all your dirty little secrets to the people around you.

Ecstasy: A party drug that makes you dance like an idiot and cuddle total strangers.

Marijuana: A plant that, when smoked, will cause you to find hilarity in the smallest things - or just zone out for a while.

Methamphetamine: A stimulant that gives you supernatural powers to clean the house and pick bugs out of your skin.

Opiates: The antidote to real life.

Tolerance: When the fucking things don't work any more.

Withdrawals: The result of using too many drugs, cured by using even more drugs.
I've met a lot of dealers over the last ten or so years that I've been doing drugs, but one guy sticks in my mind the most. He was recently forced to leave town after getting into trouble with the Mongrel Mob (the most violent Maori/Polynesian gang in the country), and I haven't heard from him since. I honestly don't know if he's alive, dead, or in jail. I've tried calling him several times, but no answer. It's a pity cos we were practically friends.

He was about ten years older than me, and really was your stereotypical meth-head. He cooked meth for his own personal use (in his dilapidated house with boarded-up windows, piles of junk filling every room, and a security camera monitoring the front yard) and he also sold a bit on the side to make some cash, since he didn't work.

I liked the guy cos he was friendly and genuine. I could trust him never to rip me off or rob me. Whenever we'd meet up, he'd always be totally fried, talking about some new thing that he'd scavenged out of a dumpster, telling me to watch out for UFO's, or reminiscing about his old exploits. Apparently he had quite a lengthy criminal record, and had been in prison multiple times.

I remember him telling me about how he was once arrested for stealing a car while he was high on acid and meth. He somehow thought the car he smashed into and hot-wired was his! He had also wrecked his own car on another occasion while trying to load up a meth pipe behind the wheel... he wasn't the safest driver around. But the thing I'll always remember most was the time he called me at 3am asking "Hey, do you have any ready-mix concrete?" I replied sleepily "What the fuck?" and he told me how he was building a fence around his yard (at 3am) to keep out intruders.

I can only imagine what his neighbours must have thought!
:D
I don't know how much I wrote about my depression I've been going through......there are many reasons- but I feel the last few days I am coming out of it. I am trying not to think about too much heaviness (though that is somewhat unavoidable). I quit fertility treatment, which was a hard choice but at the same time, I feel that the hormones were really messing with my head. Not only just the hormones but the thought process that came with going through another round of fertility treatment- each time going inand the Dr saying my body wasn't responding AT ALL.......
I'd leave in tears every time- And then the thought I couldn't fight was -
What if it worked and I lost another baby.
I just don't think I could handle being given that gift again only to lose it.
I obviously am not in the mental place to take on the risk again.
Maybe once I give my body a break for a bit, I will go into it with renewed hope and optimism.
I kept thinking about how my body has betrayed me and that led to a slew of self-defeating thoughts that I'd be filling my head with......
Anyway- that is only a small portion of what was playing into my depression.......
I started taking my Klonopin again and my muscle relaxers. So I am not in as much pain and getting a little more sleep- like 4-5 solid hours. (B/c I had dropped my gabapentin and with no meds and fibro, there are few if any- pain free days.)
So.........I think I'm on the right path.........
Music is helping so much.........
Okay- thats enough rambling :)
Ugggh this is seriously fucking getting to me, so i need to rant, and here seems to be the only place i feel comfortable doing it, so hope no one minds! its either rant away or piss people off.. lol About 3 years ago now, my partner and i met another couple with kids who we became really good friends with pretty quickly.. the husband of the couple has a pretty kick ass band in the rock/goth kind of genre, and my husband plays guitar for the band..since meeting them they have lived a little over 5 miles away, a nice distance..but the last week or so we have been helping them move into a house thats litterly right up the freaking road, the same village, the same school for the kids..and i am kinda freaking out about it.. i dont handle obligation well, i tend to be pretty anti-people in general and have gone more reclusive than i ever thought possible for me, the past couple of years.. so they have started to call our place (jokingly of course) their 'second home' and they keep wanting me to watch the kids.. they have a 4 year old boy and a 1 year old boy who isnt yet walking, i myself have an 8 year old boy..i dont mind watching them from time to time, and while they were sorting the new house out i helped by keeping the boys a couple days in a row.. now i have to say, i love my son more than anything..ever.. and do not at all regret my choices to have him.. watching these two boys quite regularly, its made me absolutely realize i could never do it again.. fuck that.. my sons just turned 8 and is really quite independent and his own person.. why the hell would i chose to get pregnant again and start off from scratch with a new life in this world? i would have to be mental. -ok, more mental than i am already lol..but the point i am making with this, is that i have one child for a reason, my patients -rather, my lack there of- and my easy to stress out nervous sytem, i just cant have 2 more kids here all the time.. the problem with that is, i have a very difficult time saying no..especially to good friends.. but i refuse to become a 'built in babysitter' right down the road.. so, the stress of that brings in the stress of one day us and them having an argument and it getting ugly.. which is possible for a few reasons.. now if this does happen, we still have to deal with each other as we live in the same damned place! Grrrrs..The good side is the women mentioned gets a really nice script for hydocodones that she sometimes pays me in.. (far better than cash imo lol).. and they know about my over all love and passion for drugs of various kinds, so its pretty easy in that aspect.. i dont have to hide my true self from them..but i do feel i cant be entirely honest with them if they do piss me off because they seem very ..very easy to offend..On top of all that though, the women friend is incredibly hot, and of course as life goes, completely, 100% straight..not even bi-curious! Typical lol
Ok, rant over.. thanks for anyone who may have read this utterly pointless blogging session!
One thing that I can positively say defines me is the fact that I cannot bear the sight of an international boundary so close to where I am, and NOT cross it. The latter is simply unthinkable. Every border ought to be crossed :).

Since my weekend is actually in the middle of the week, and coincides with my father's, I kept coaxing my parents to go to Port Huron (MI) until they agreed to do just that. They needed a change and a little trip, and they knew it.

What they didn't know was just how close Port Huron really was to London.

NSFW:


The map shows the distances relative to Detroit, which should be familiar to most non-North American readers. Route 22 in Canada (which runs parallel to Highway 402) actually passes one block away from my place, which is at the upper-left corner of the city of London. Basically, if I turn left then right and keep going straight ahead, I'll be in America in a very short time. The wonders of grid-roads! We chose the 22 because it is a quite country road, as opposed to the standard 402 which is one of the main arteries in Ontario. Being a train person, I find the whole concept of highways rather scary. There is little that gets my alarms ringing than going up that round ramp, pedal-to-the-metal and hoping you won't collide with a truck!

I didn't really clock it, but I would say it is no more than an hour's drive (as opposed to 2 - 2.5h drive to Detroit). The border guards were shockingly nice to us.

Allow me to stop here for a moment to note that this is actually my first instance dealing with Northern Americans, as all of my previous stays in the 'states were down in what used to be called The Confederacy. There, I met Americans that I liked. They were warm, friendly, and fun, and their boys definitely yummy.

I definitely felt a subtle yet distinct difference in the collective "vibe" that this culture gave off as opposed to either the southern states or Canada.

Of course, if there is one thing that unites all of America, that thing would be one word: B I G !

Crossing that gigantic steel bridge (amazing architectural feat, no doubt), one is very quick to notice being dwarfed by the hoards of GMC and Dodge and Ford trucks, vans, and SUVs zooming from all four or five or six lanes around you (You'd be hard-pressed not to believe that every single American is either a builder, lumberjack, or a boater, or all at once, judging from their bold and bulging cars). Suddenly, everything is a bit bigger than back home. The plazas are bigger because, I assume, Americans don't walk - they use their cars to go from shop to shop in the same plaza. I've seen this before in other places in America. Of course, I kid, but you get my point.

"WE BUY GUNS HERE!", a sign greeted me. Oh yes.

We found a cute textile-and-hobby shop and decided to peep in for a look. It was chock-full of interesting products that I have not seen anywhere in Canada. I bought some beautiful textile designs on paper which I plan on using to create birthday cards.

We continued on, barely evading an accident or two, until we reached a Mall. Apparently one is not enough - there was a mirror image of the same mall on the other side of the many-laned road! Much as I was hoping to dine at one of these family restaurants ubiquitous in small North American towns, my parents felt tired and wanted to just grab some chinese food from the mall's food court. I noticed that young men all around were eyeing me down. Suddenly, I got a nasty flashback from Uzice (in Serbia). I took off my cap, which definitely made me stand out along with my very British dress-shirt. That helped, as well as the fact that I have perfected the art of not only avoiding, but diverting unwanted eye-contact.

Anyway, I never liked malls (and this one was about as big as all of London's malls together!). But it seems Americans have perfected the art of Merchant Magic. I somehow was lured and quickly slipped into the Perfume section of their Macy's, hoping to find my favourite, Bulgari (plain original), which is conspicuously absent from London's shops. The lady not only convinced me to buy the larger bottle, but also somehow managed to get me to sign up for a Credit Card that would get paid off at-the-spot, or something to that effect which I was too overwhelmed to understand. All I wanted was a bottle of perfume... Luckily, the Credit Card trick didn't work, as perhaps I have too low an income. But I still got the perfume... and she gave me a discount still. I remain very confused.

As we walked through the mall, we passed by a booth that sold watches. The guy in there is really a cartoon of your typical watch-seller - unbelievably sleezy, and almost desperate to sell something, hopefully with that crooked smile. He wanted to sell me a watch that cost only $500. He was in his 30s, I'd say, with a rather unfitting blond goatee that matched the somewhat sleezy ring on his finger, studded with diamonds. Of course "he loves us guys [Canadians]," and in fact he has a cousin "who makes granite counters in London". Cute.

Out of this manic-shopping centre, with map in hand, I directed my parents to a park located on the L. Huron beach. It was a surprisingly pretty sight:



(Note the Coast-guard, the helicopter, and the fact that the bridge is a secure border checkpoint. These guys are serious!)

Lake Huron (more like a sea, really) is rather pretty. Its water is reasonably clean, unlike the sludge that makes up lakes Erie and Ontario. It's soft waves definitely have a soothing effect. Also unlike Erie and Ontario, both of which give a feminine vibe, Huron is more of a masculine body of water. At the time, the beach was basically all ours. I can see it as being probably very busy in warmer months, as it really very much a sea-shore type of beach (not very apparent in the pic above, which looks toward the river).

We watched as two men set up their fishing rods in cylinders in the sand, and attached cute copper bells to their tips, then left and sat far back. That was a rather neat idea!

After that, we returned (or tried to return) back to Canada. After getting lost trying to figure out the correct Highway exit, a lady in a car with a Texas license plate was extremely helpful, and sure enough, following her direction we found Canada.

Worthy of note was that, on our way back, I spotted a heritage site just off the Route 22. It was a park for RVs and trailers, with a pretty little pond, and a sign that informed that an Irish man came to visit this area in the late 19th century, only to find the Pioneers living there in extreme poverty. Following his faith, he established the first Methodist Church in the area and somehow improved their quality of life. I cannot for the life of me remember his name, but I believe his nickname was "Uncle Joe", and that he died in Isle D'anticosti (Quebec).

Also worthy of note that one of the farms we passed actually had lamas. The last thing I ever imagined seeing in Southwestern Ontario was a lama!

And this was my day. I feel exhilarated by the fact that I traveled today, even if for a tiny trip. I find that crossing borders is something of an initiation. I feel ecstatic noticing all the differences one finds once one is on the other side.

It is very easy to imagine that Americans and Canadians are almost indistinguishable. But if, say, our main national language was French, or if they spoke, say, Portuguese, the differences will suddenly spring out and become rather apparent. One quality that does not defy description is my observation that Americans, North or South, tend to be more dynamic than Canadians in their interactions. They generally speak a bit louder, are more assertive, and definitely have less of a compulsion to apologize for apologizing.

I'd really like to cross someday from Quebec to New England. That will probably make the differences very apparent. But for today's short trip, I was able to discern certain qualities (other than the big-ness), such as subtle body-language cues and accent, which definitely made me feel in a different country. I will not deny that, particularly in Michigan, I felt slightly intimidated by most people. Maybe this was due to the big-ness of all that surrounded me. I do not know. But it was certainly a nice and refreshing experience. I am sure this must be evident to you, since you probably would not expect such a tiny trip to warrant a journal entry.

Next, I plan on dragging my parents to Buffalo (NY) ...

Have I noticed that, now that I don’t have to cover up my addiction, I no longer need to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?

04/15/10 9:34 PM


Yes, I have noticed and I dig not having to hide behind lies or maintain them.

The ways in which I have been honest is by simply talking to people that are new to the rooms. I don’t inflate ‘my story’ and if I don’t have experience in a particular area, I say so.

I no longer steal and I don’t think I manipulate anymore either.
I had an appointment with my case manager from CADS (City Alcohol and Drug Service) yesterday, who's a clinical psychologist as well as a drug counsellor, and the whole time he just sat there telling me about his "observations" and going through all these treatment plans that he'd devised. I barely got a single word in during the entire hour. I'm sick of this... I entered CADS looking for help for my drug problem. Not my mental health problems. I've already been in the public Mental Health Service, and I left due to unsuccessful treatment. I'm not ready for the DBT therapy CADS is offering me. It's too intense and I know it will break me emotionally. There's some things I want kept in the dark recesses of my mind, rather than being pulled out into the light of day. At my next appointment, I think I'll be telling him that I want to quit the service.
K and I talked about a lot of things now.
He's NEVER had sex without a condom!! In his life!! Wow! So we cleared up the STD-free question tonight. I am more and more amazed by him. He loves Tori Amos. He loves music in general. He has two of his own businesses plus the healthy side job where he met me! Some days he teaches two or three spinning classes! Damn his stamina...that I have not yet experienced in *that* way yet.
He's so serious and I am so silly, but it works. He said I laugh more than anyone he's ever known. Well... Life is funny!
I told him about the IUD and my past birth control experience... How crazy it made me to be on hormones, how much calmer and evener I am now, how nice it is to know that I can't get knocked up.He doesn't want kids and has yet to explain about that, but I'm ok with it... He's an enigma in certain ways... but I'm ok... But I have never been literally begging for it (sex) before and I'm putty in his hands.
I do know he's a great kisser, a good dancer, a thoughtful friend, a terrific athlete, and he loves his family. This is his hometown, and he loves it here.
He loves eating pussy, too. :D
Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I’ve had freedom from active addiction?

04/15/10 12:02 PM


Of course. I go to meetings on a regular basis (a minimum of five a week). When a person goes to meetings they have no choice but to see the reality of their disease. This often occurs through seeing the disease in others.

Go to a meeting and take a chance by talking to that hostile looking, dirty dude who just showed up and you’ll see what I’m talking about. There is pain out there. There is homelessness and hunger. Their is fear and violence. Above all, there is loss. I see it, I feel it and it fucking hurts to see others pain and being well aware that that was me at one point or that it very well could be me if I start using again.

Fuckin’ right I stay in touch with this reality of addiction. I plan to always stay in touch. I never want to be one of those dudes that has grown too comfortable in their cozy, soft little world that is afraid to be in service to that newcomer who smells like urine, who looks intimidating, who simply wants something other than what they currently have or are experiencing.

I was that fuckin’ dude at one time and now, I am at peace and mostly enjoy my life. EVERYONE deserves that opportunity.
If I’ve been thinking about using or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else?

04/15/10 11:40 AM


I have had thoughts of using recently and, no, I have not told anyone. These thoughts, well they are sneaky motherfuckers.

Recently they have hit when I was angry at my dad because he thinks he can talk to me any certain way. Yeah, I owe the dude a lot (he’s helped me out BIG TIME financially) but I’m not here to be used as a punching bag when he’s having a bad day.

Sometimes, I think that it would be nice to get high simply because I feel like I’m ‘cured’. Sanity usually comes back and I know exactly where getting high ‘just once’ will take me.

Other aspects of acting out on my addiction manifest through thoughts of violence and revenge. I haven’t acted out on these because I’m trying to LIVE these principals that the Steps speak of. Its fuckin’ hard practicing humility, forgiveness, patience and open-mindedness. Its easy to read and write about these concepts but applying them to my day-to-day is another story.

So, why don’t I tell anyone of these thoughts I have? Well, there are a number of reasons. First, I recognize that they are simply thoughts and that they are temporary. Second, I feel like I know what my sponsor will tell me if I share them with him. Third, its uncomfortable talking about myself like that because of the above two reasons.

I shared at a meeting about how I have no problem listening to others when they have a particular challenge happening in their life. When it comes to me sharing with others my particular current challenges, I stay quiet. A dude approached me afterward and mentioned that it was selfish of me to keep my struggles to myself. Essentially, I am taking but not giving anything of myself on a deeper level. I get that. If its difficult for me to open up it must be difficult for others as well. So they are taking a chance telling me their pain and I don’t return the favor to others by taking that same chance. I need to work on that.
I feel like shit. I caught a cold from somewhere. My throat kills and im all mucusy :(

I hope this shit is gone before friday, which I doubt but hey I can dream right? :|

sniff snork BLAH! :(
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p.s. Halfway through 1st part of my Balkans travelogue :).
Friday predictions look well YAY!

Though once that is over, I promised myself to seek HRT. Which scares me to no end. More so because I am not out yet to my family - and I sure as hell can't hide needle usage in THIS house. More so how the heck am I going to be able to do it myself. Eventually I will have to, it's a forever commitment - another scary aspect.

Eventually i will have to come out. For obvious reasons, that I can't hide the effects for long.

le sigh.

Well I guess life was not meant to be easy for me.

Ce la Vie.

:|
No that wasn't me, nor anyone I know, so don't be rushing to judge. :|

The interwebz - why so srs?




Now what shall I cook at 1am that won't wake everyone up.

Cereal - yeah that sounds yummy.
I've come to an important decision. From henceforth, all my posts shall be in purple! :)
It's all cleared up! I'm in love! Infatuation! OMG! SOOOOO HAPPY! He's only dating me, only wants me, likes me a lot, etc...
It's obvious that:
A) He wants to get to know me better and hang out more.
B) We are both attracted to eachother and have raging hormones to deal with.
C) He's also >5 years older than me, so I am worried he thinks I'm stupid/boring/immature etc, and this dude really has his shit together.
Is this how dating always is?
I don't know what to do! We are in different parts of our lives right now. I am just basically treating him like any guy friend right now, except when we hang out at night (usually after a couple of drinks) and start snogging hardcore.
He totally coulda laid the dick down and didn't, though, and he is really sweet.
He told me my eyes were the most passionate he has ever seen...
hey, well i'm leaving my laptop in my sisters care, i'm starting to regret walking around with a 50lb bag of cloths and laptop, so i'm minusing the laptop and just keeping the cloths.
today i have a interview at this day-labor place in hopes of getting a job per the day and save up some money. shit sucks for now, but things should start looking better.
please pray for me people, i'm going through alot of problems in my life at the moment.
thanks everyone,
drew
I know there are other sites similar to this one. But how many? And what are the top ten?
Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender?

04/12/10 4:40 PM


Yes, I can. Narcotics Anonymous is NOT perfect. Nothing is and it can’t be all things to all people. I cannot honestly say that I will surrender completely to Narcotics Anonymous but the spiritual principles involved within the Steps are valid and I firmly believe that these Steps will assist in helping me become a better person, deal with life’s challenges and pain. These principles will help me stay clean and I will grow during the process.

If you tell me that I need to completely surrender to Narcotics Anonymous, I will lose the hope that I have. I have been struggling the past two days. Telling me I need to be on board 100% causes me to come up with justifications to use. FUCK THAT!

There are opinions that I do not agree with that Narcotics Anonymous advocates. Below is Bulletin #29 from www.na.org (http://web.na.org/?ID=bulletins-bull29). I strongly disagree with this viewpoint as well as the message it implies (essentially it states, ‘sure come to our meetings but you can’t speak, share or even get in service). My concept of NA isn’t about killing people. NA, to me is about helping people kick the hell of active addiction and improve an addicts way of living.

WORLD SERVICE BOARD OF TRUSTEES BULLETIN #29
Regarding Methadone and Other 
Drug Replacement Programs

This bulletin was written by the World Service Board of Trustees in 1996. It represents the views of the board at the time of writing.

Not all of us come to our first NA meeting drug free. Some of us were uncertain about whether recovery was possible for us and initially came to meetings while still using.

Others came to their first meetings on drug replacement programs such as methadone and found it frightening to consider becoming abstinent.

One of the first things we heard was that NA is a program of complete abstinence and "The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using." Some of us, upon hearing these statements, may have felt that we were not welcome at NA meetings until we were clean. But NA members reassured us that this was not the case and we were encouraged to "keep coming back." We were told that through listening to the experience, strength, and hope of other recovering addicts that we too could find freedom from active addiction if we did what they did.

Many of our members, however, have expressed concern about individuals on drug replacement programs. Questions come up regarding such individuals' membership status, ability to share at meetings, lead meetings, or become trusted servants on any level. "Are these members clean?" they ask. "Can one really be a 'member' and still be using?"

Perhaps by answering the most important question first—the issue of membership—we can establish a context by which to approach this issue. Tradition Three says that the only requirement for NA membership is a desire to stop using. There are no exceptions to this. Desire itself establishes membership; nothing else matters, not even abstinence. It is up to the individual, no one else, to determine membership. Therefore, someone who is using and who has a desire to stop using, can be a member of NA.

Members on drug replacement programs such as methadone are encouraged to attend NA meetings. But, this raises the question: "Does NA have the right to limit members participation in meetings?" We believe so. While some groups choose to allow such members to share, it is also a common practice for NA groups to encourage these members (or any other addict who is still using), to participate only by listening and by talking with members after the meeting or during the break. This is not meant to alienate or embarrass; this is meant only to preserve an atmosphere of recovery in our meetings. 
Our Fifth Tradition defines our groups' purpose: to carry the message that any addict can stop using and find a new way to live. We carry that message at our recovery meetings, where those who have some experience with NA recovery can share about it, and those who need to hear about NA recovery can listen. When an individual under the influence of a drug attempts to speak on recovery in Narcotics Anonymous, it is our experience that a mixed, or confused message may be given to a newcomer (or any member, for that matter) For this reason, many groups believe it is inappropriate for these members to share at meetings of Narcotics Anonymous.

It may be argued that a group's autonomy, as described in our Fourth Tradition, allows them to decide who may share at their meetings. However, while this is true, we believe that group autonomy does not justify allowing someone who is using to lead a meeting, be a speaker, or serve as a trusted servant. Group autonomy stands only until it affects other groups or NA as a whole. We believe it affects other groups and NA as a whole when we allow members who are not clean to be a speaker, chair a meeting, or be a trusted servant for NA.

Many groups have developed guidelines to ensure that an atmosphere of recovery is 
maintained in their meetings. The following points are usually included:
  • Suggesting that those who have used any drug within the last twenty-four hours refrain from sharing, but encouraging them to get together with members during the break or after the meeting.
  • Abiding by our fellowship's suggested clean time requirements for service positions.
  • Seeking meeting leaders, chairpersons, or speakers who help further our primary purpose of carrying the message to the addict who still suffers.

We make a distinction between drugs used by drug replacement programs and other prescribed drugs because such drugs are prescribed specifically as addiction treatment. Our program approaches recovery from addiction through abstinence, cautioning against the substitution of one drug for another. That's our program; it's what we offer the addict who still suffers. However, we have absolutely no opinion on methadone maintenance or any other program aimed at treating addiction. Our only purpose in addressing drug replacement and its use by our members is to define abstinence for ourselves. 
Our fellowship must be mindful of what kind of message we are carrying if a still-using addict leads a meeting, or becomes a trusted servant. We believe that under these circumstances we would not be carrying the Narcotics Anonymous message of recovery. Permissiveness in this area is not consistent with our traditions. We believe our position on this issue reinforces our recovery, protects our meetings, and supports addicts in striving for total abstinence.

Note: This bulletin addresses the use of methadone maintenance as a drug replacement strategy. It is not addressing the medicinal use of methadone as a pain killer. We encourage those who have concerns about the use of methadone in pain management to refer to Narcotics Anonymous pamphlet, In Times of Illness.
What would my life be like if I surrendered completely?

04/12/10 11:49 AM


This, I believe is another question that doesn’t make sense. This is similar to asking, ‘What would my life be like if I never used drugs?’. How could I possibly know the answer to such things?

The World Service Office needs to review this particular question. It is based on fantasy. I’m trying to live by ‘what is’ as opposed to ‘what could be’.
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