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Have I noticed that, now that I don’t have to cover up my addiction, I no longer need to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?

04/15/10 9:34 PM


Yes, I have noticed and I dig not having to hide behind lies or maintain them.

The ways in which I have been honest is by simply talking to people that are new to the rooms. I don’t inflate ‘my story’ and if I don’t have experience in a particular area, I say so.

I no longer steal and I don’t think I manipulate anymore either.
I had an appointment with my case manager from CADS (City Alcohol and Drug Service) yesterday, who's a clinical psychologist as well as a drug counsellor, and the whole time he just sat there telling me about his "observations" and going through all these treatment plans that he'd devised. I barely got a single word in during the entire hour. I'm sick of this... I entered CADS looking for help for my drug problem. Not my mental health problems. I've already been in the public Mental Health Service, and I left due to unsuccessful treatment. I'm not ready for the DBT therapy CADS is offering me. It's too intense and I know it will break me emotionally. There's some things I want kept in the dark recesses of my mind, rather than being pulled out into the light of day. At my next appointment, I think I'll be telling him that I want to quit the service.
K and I talked about a lot of things now.
He's NEVER had sex without a condom!! In his life!! Wow! So we cleared up the STD-free question tonight. I am more and more amazed by him. He loves Tori Amos. He loves music in general. He has two of his own businesses plus the healthy side job where he met me! Some days he teaches two or three spinning classes! Damn his stamina...that I have not yet experienced in *that* way yet.
He's so serious and I am so silly, but it works. He said I laugh more than anyone he's ever known. Well... Life is funny!
I told him about the IUD and my past birth control experience... How crazy it made me to be on hormones, how much calmer and evener I am now, how nice it is to know that I can't get knocked up.He doesn't want kids and has yet to explain about that, but I'm ok with it... He's an enigma in certain ways... but I'm ok... But I have never been literally begging for it (sex) before and I'm putty in his hands.
I do know he's a great kisser, a good dancer, a thoughtful friend, a terrific athlete, and he loves his family. This is his hometown, and he loves it here.
He loves eating pussy, too. :D
Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I’ve had freedom from active addiction?

04/15/10 12:02 PM


Of course. I go to meetings on a regular basis (a minimum of five a week). When a person goes to meetings they have no choice but to see the reality of their disease. This often occurs through seeing the disease in others.

Go to a meeting and take a chance by talking to that hostile looking, dirty dude who just showed up and you’ll see what I’m talking about. There is pain out there. There is homelessness and hunger. Their is fear and violence. Above all, there is loss. I see it, I feel it and it fucking hurts to see others pain and being well aware that that was me at one point or that it very well could be me if I start using again.

Fuckin’ right I stay in touch with this reality of addiction. I plan to always stay in touch. I never want to be one of those dudes that has grown too comfortable in their cozy, soft little world that is afraid to be in service to that newcomer who smells like urine, who looks intimidating, who simply wants something other than what they currently have or are experiencing.

I was that fuckin’ dude at one time and now, I am at peace and mostly enjoy my life. EVERYONE deserves that opportunity.
If I’ve been thinking about using or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else?

04/15/10 11:40 AM


I have had thoughts of using recently and, no, I have not told anyone. These thoughts, well they are sneaky motherfuckers.

Recently they have hit when I was angry at my dad because he thinks he can talk to me any certain way. Yeah, I owe the dude a lot (he’s helped me out BIG TIME financially) but I’m not here to be used as a punching bag when he’s having a bad day.

Sometimes, I think that it would be nice to get high simply because I feel like I’m ‘cured’. Sanity usually comes back and I know exactly where getting high ‘just once’ will take me.

Other aspects of acting out on my addiction manifest through thoughts of violence and revenge. I haven’t acted out on these because I’m trying to LIVE these principals that the Steps speak of. Its fuckin’ hard practicing humility, forgiveness, patience and open-mindedness. Its easy to read and write about these concepts but applying them to my day-to-day is another story.

So, why don’t I tell anyone of these thoughts I have? Well, there are a number of reasons. First, I recognize that they are simply thoughts and that they are temporary. Second, I feel like I know what my sponsor will tell me if I share them with him. Third, its uncomfortable talking about myself like that because of the above two reasons.

I shared at a meeting about how I have no problem listening to others when they have a particular challenge happening in their life. When it comes to me sharing with others my particular current challenges, I stay quiet. A dude approached me afterward and mentioned that it was selfish of me to keep my struggles to myself. Essentially, I am taking but not giving anything of myself on a deeper level. I get that. If its difficult for me to open up it must be difficult for others as well. So they are taking a chance telling me their pain and I don’t return the favor to others by taking that same chance. I need to work on that.
I feel like shit. I caught a cold from somewhere. My throat kills and im all mucusy :(

I hope this shit is gone before friday, which I doubt but hey I can dream right? :|

sniff snork BLAH! :(
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p.s. Halfway through 1st part of my Balkans travelogue :).
Friday predictions look well YAY!

Though once that is over, I promised myself to seek HRT. Which scares me to no end. More so because I am not out yet to my family - and I sure as hell can't hide needle usage in THIS house. More so how the heck am I going to be able to do it myself. Eventually I will have to, it's a forever commitment - another scary aspect.

Eventually i will have to come out. For obvious reasons, that I can't hide the effects for long.

le sigh.

Well I guess life was not meant to be easy for me.

Ce la Vie.

:|
No that wasn't me, nor anyone I know, so don't be rushing to judge. :|

The interwebz - why so srs?




Now what shall I cook at 1am that won't wake everyone up.

Cereal - yeah that sounds yummy.
I've come to an important decision. From henceforth, all my posts shall be in purple! :)
It's all cleared up! I'm in love! Infatuation! OMG! SOOOOO HAPPY! He's only dating me, only wants me, likes me a lot, etc...
It's obvious that:
A) He wants to get to know me better and hang out more.
B) We are both attracted to eachother and have raging hormones to deal with.
C) He's also >5 years older than me, so I am worried he thinks I'm stupid/boring/immature etc, and this dude really has his shit together.
Is this how dating always is?
I don't know what to do! We are in different parts of our lives right now. I am just basically treating him like any guy friend right now, except when we hang out at night (usually after a couple of drinks) and start snogging hardcore.
He totally coulda laid the dick down and didn't, though, and he is really sweet.
He told me my eyes were the most passionate he has ever seen...
hey, well i'm leaving my laptop in my sisters care, i'm starting to regret walking around with a 50lb bag of cloths and laptop, so i'm minusing the laptop and just keeping the cloths.
today i have a interview at this day-labor place in hopes of getting a job per the day and save up some money. shit sucks for now, but things should start looking better.
please pray for me people, i'm going through alot of problems in my life at the moment.
thanks everyone,
drew
I know there are other sites similar to this one. But how many? And what are the top ten?
Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender?

04/12/10 4:40 PM


Yes, I can. Narcotics Anonymous is NOT perfect. Nothing is and it can’t be all things to all people. I cannot honestly say that I will surrender completely to Narcotics Anonymous but the spiritual principles involved within the Steps are valid and I firmly believe that these Steps will assist in helping me become a better person, deal with life’s challenges and pain. These principles will help me stay clean and I will grow during the process.

If you tell me that I need to completely surrender to Narcotics Anonymous, I will lose the hope that I have. I have been struggling the past two days. Telling me I need to be on board 100% causes me to come up with justifications to use. FUCK THAT!

There are opinions that I do not agree with that Narcotics Anonymous advocates. Below is Bulletin #29 from www.na.org (http://web.na.org/?ID=bulletins-bull29). I strongly disagree with this viewpoint as well as the message it implies (essentially it states, ‘sure come to our meetings but you can’t speak, share or even get in service). My concept of NA isn’t about killing people. NA, to me is about helping people kick the hell of active addiction and improve an addicts way of living.

WORLD SERVICE BOARD OF TRUSTEES BULLETIN #29
Regarding Methadone and Other 
Drug Replacement Programs

This bulletin was written by the World Service Board of Trustees in 1996. It represents the views of the board at the time of writing.

Not all of us come to our first NA meeting drug free. Some of us were uncertain about whether recovery was possible for us and initially came to meetings while still using.

Others came to their first meetings on drug replacement programs such as methadone and found it frightening to consider becoming abstinent.

One of the first things we heard was that NA is a program of complete abstinence and "The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using." Some of us, upon hearing these statements, may have felt that we were not welcome at NA meetings until we were clean. But NA members reassured us that this was not the case and we were encouraged to "keep coming back." We were told that through listening to the experience, strength, and hope of other recovering addicts that we too could find freedom from active addiction if we did what they did.

Many of our members, however, have expressed concern about individuals on drug replacement programs. Questions come up regarding such individuals' membership status, ability to share at meetings, lead meetings, or become trusted servants on any level. "Are these members clean?" they ask. "Can one really be a 'member' and still be using?"

Perhaps by answering the most important question first—the issue of membership—we can establish a context by which to approach this issue. Tradition Three says that the only requirement for NA membership is a desire to stop using. There are no exceptions to this. Desire itself establishes membership; nothing else matters, not even abstinence. It is up to the individual, no one else, to determine membership. Therefore, someone who is using and who has a desire to stop using, can be a member of NA.

Members on drug replacement programs such as methadone are encouraged to attend NA meetings. But, this raises the question: "Does NA have the right to limit members participation in meetings?" We believe so. While some groups choose to allow such members to share, it is also a common practice for NA groups to encourage these members (or any other addict who is still using), to participate only by listening and by talking with members after the meeting or during the break. This is not meant to alienate or embarrass; this is meant only to preserve an atmosphere of recovery in our meetings. 
Our Fifth Tradition defines our groups' purpose: to carry the message that any addict can stop using and find a new way to live. We carry that message at our recovery meetings, where those who have some experience with NA recovery can share about it, and those who need to hear about NA recovery can listen. When an individual under the influence of a drug attempts to speak on recovery in Narcotics Anonymous, it is our experience that a mixed, or confused message may be given to a newcomer (or any member, for that matter) For this reason, many groups believe it is inappropriate for these members to share at meetings of Narcotics Anonymous.

It may be argued that a group's autonomy, as described in our Fourth Tradition, allows them to decide who may share at their meetings. However, while this is true, we believe that group autonomy does not justify allowing someone who is using to lead a meeting, be a speaker, or serve as a trusted servant. Group autonomy stands only until it affects other groups or NA as a whole. We believe it affects other groups and NA as a whole when we allow members who are not clean to be a speaker, chair a meeting, or be a trusted servant for NA.

Many groups have developed guidelines to ensure that an atmosphere of recovery is 
maintained in their meetings. The following points are usually included:
  • Suggesting that those who have used any drug within the last twenty-four hours refrain from sharing, but encouraging them to get together with members during the break or after the meeting.
  • Abiding by our fellowship's suggested clean time requirements for service positions.
  • Seeking meeting leaders, chairpersons, or speakers who help further our primary purpose of carrying the message to the addict who still suffers.

We make a distinction between drugs used by drug replacement programs and other prescribed drugs because such drugs are prescribed specifically as addiction treatment. Our program approaches recovery from addiction through abstinence, cautioning against the substitution of one drug for another. That's our program; it's what we offer the addict who still suffers. However, we have absolutely no opinion on methadone maintenance or any other program aimed at treating addiction. Our only purpose in addressing drug replacement and its use by our members is to define abstinence for ourselves. 
Our fellowship must be mindful of what kind of message we are carrying if a still-using addict leads a meeting, or becomes a trusted servant. We believe that under these circumstances we would not be carrying the Narcotics Anonymous message of recovery. Permissiveness in this area is not consistent with our traditions. We believe our position on this issue reinforces our recovery, protects our meetings, and supports addicts in striving for total abstinence.

Note: This bulletin addresses the use of methadone maintenance as a drug replacement strategy. It is not addressing the medicinal use of methadone as a pain killer. We encourage those who have concerns about the use of methadone in pain management to refer to Narcotics Anonymous pamphlet, In Times of Illness.
What would my life be like if I surrendered completely?

04/12/10 11:49 AM


This, I believe is another question that doesn’t make sense. This is similar to asking, ‘What would my life be like if I never used drugs?’. How could I possibly know the answer to such things?

The World Service Office needs to review this particular question. It is based on fantasy. I’m trying to live by ‘what is’ as opposed to ‘what could be’.
I am jumping for joy right now. I love horror movies, huge fan of Nightmare on Elm Street....god freddy rocks my sox. So of course they finally come out with a new movie on April 30th (Happy Birthday to ME! :) )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJOS9cB4NJk&feature=related


Oh and I have been approved by the intern in the anxiety clinic. She thinks I would do good in the group. Now all that needs to be done is be reviewed by the head of the anxiety clinic, so I will find out before May 1st (the first day of the group) what is going on. There is a few spots left in the group, she said someone will contact me by then about what the plan is going to be to help me out.

She said though that I qualify and I will eventually get into the group, its just a matter of when, either this one or the next. It's 12 weeks long and 2hrs per week.

Not sure if it was Dave who reccomended it or OD, which ever, THANK YOU :D

I also admitted to someone my sexuality for the first time, wow, huge step for me :)

Well, now ......

sigh.

Now all I have to get out of the way is Friday. Which should go smoothly.

Next Thursday is my birthday, and I dunno what to do...... anyone have any ideas??

I am thinking ordering in dinner, a movie, kiddos, rockin sexers (with my man), and maybe a couple hrs just for ME.
Time is so seriously fucked.. a couple of weeks ago went sooo slow it was unreal, because it was the week before a week+ vacation/holiday time.. so this past weeks been really nice, but it has gone so wickedly fast! I remember even as a kid time bothered me.. i could never really understand it, in the sense of where exactly it came from..why it existed in the first place and why everyones daily life seemed to revolve entirely around this 'mythical' concept of time.. for years i thought the clock somehow captured time, until a dear friend of mine one night talking on this subject and of Aleister Crowly's particular views on time itself..and the friend pointed out he didnt believe clocks captured time as much as they measured it.. in ways calculating it.. Through the use of mental strength some people have been known to....bend...time.. is the best way i can put it.. over the years i have heard and read various stories of people who were heading someplace quite important, and they were running late..instead of stressing over it, and looking at the clock every 5 seconds, they ignored it and focused on arriving at their destination, greeting whoever they were to meet there, or envision the entry way or whatever.. and they end up actually showing up either just in time, or moments before hand.. ok, sure there are times this could be sheer coincidence and/or mis calculations by the person involved, but there are still some cases that dont seem to be easily explained, not to mention time shifts, time lapses, missing time, and other bizarreness..or.. perhaps i am just guilable lol.. but it gives food for thought, and never the less.. time still does annoy me..
Saturday night.. i feel as though i am getting old..lol curl up with some horror films, (Feast- never heard of it before yesterday so giving it a try) a bottle of whiskey, a handful of favorite pills, and a few spliffs sounds like a pretty good plan..i hope everyones enjoying their weekend!!
Have a good one ;)
Tessa
I'm fucking depressed and tearful today, not just because I'm on the comedown from hell, but because I'm really missing Lydia (drug_wench), my ex. I know I fucked things up in that relationship and burned all my bridges, so she has every right not to want to know me anymore, but I wish we were still together. Fuck, if I could turn back the clock and take back all the nasty things I said and did, I would. I don't think I've ever loved a person as much as I loved her. I often wonder where she's at now, and how she's doing. She's a strong person, so I hope she's doing well and still on the road to recovery... unlike me.

Lyds, I don't know if you still use Bluelight, but if you're reading this I just want you to know that I'm sorry and that I still think about you. <3
there's an inside to my outside and i havent found it yet. im nearing what could only be mistaken as completely forgettable, but wasting time sits so deliciously.

between the eyes of some wayside disposal is the makings of comfortable chair lounging. too long and too lost behind years of golden atmosphere's held together by wishful thinking.

later
Wow, I was a cute kid. What happened? LOL <3


Hello all, so over the past 2 years i've been going to pain management. Docs been giving me ms contin 30mg TR, and 15mg ms contin IR. It really doesnt work that well for the reasons I need it mainly cause opiates are and have been the most amazing thing in the world to me for just over 7 years and i've grown quite a tolerance to all types of the little devils lol. Up untill about 2 or 3 months ago ive been just eating them, but recently i decided i wanted to try and get the most out of them. So ive taken them in every possible way i can dream up save smoking them (personally i think smoking pills isnt the smartest idea but i do a lot a stupid shit so who am i to judge, to each there own right) anyway ive been trying to figure out how to successfully slam em using the most effective and safest way i can manage. Just for the record my high of choice would be to mainline some high quality diesel, but i cant seem to find any of that lately :( so this is how far ive gotton after trying multiple ways to no avail;

1st:take off coating and crush pills into fine powder.
2nd:slowroast the powder untill heroin brown on a plate on my stovetop burner.
3rd:the heroin looking morphine (lol) is now actually water soluable sorta (doesnt gel up)
so ive mixed in spoon with some distilled water, sucked up into a needle-less syringe and backloaded into another syringe which has a cotton ball jammed in it to help filter.
i know i should be using a wheel filter with pills but im just trying things out for the moment and if it turns into a more permanent thing ill get one.
4th:now ive filtered through the cotton ball syringe into a fresh syringe and now im about to try it. the solution looks sooo similar to dope its making me drool, hopefully itl work kinda the same lol. ill post again on how this syringe works out but if anyone has any pointers or experience with this i could deff use some feedback. please you guys dont need to tell me how stupid i am for mainlining a pill i know its dumb, but then thats the life of a heroin user, full of a bunch of dumb decisions lol
oh and the 15mg pills are so easy cuz they dont gel up so i can jus mix, filter an draw em up no prob but there not that powerful.
=D
k ima go boot that now.....
Can I begin my recovery without a complete surrender?

04/12/10 12:29 AM


Yes. I’ve already began my recovery. I practice principals that often and sometimes still are rather difficult. I take healthy chances. I am changing.

I started doing this early in my recovery and I hadn’t completely surrendered. Have I completely surrendered at this point in time? Perhaps. This is a strange question and I can’t speak in absolute terms concerning ANYTHING.

I have surrendered and I am growing from practicing this program. I’m learning how to deal with life’s challenges much, MUCH better. I value service and I have sacrificed.

The way this question is worded makes me feel like the answer is supposed to be ‘no’. If ‘no’ is the expected answer than I have found a flaw in the program. My personal experience this time around is proof that complete surrender is NOT necessary to begin the process of recovery.
Sigh. I'm back to being broke all the damn time. This sucks!! Had a migraine & went to pharm to
pick up my Rx, but they hadn't gotten around to authorizing it yet. Hopefully tomarrow, please!!
A fine mess I'm in. On top of that the fucking student loan people, or somebody is garnishing my freaken wages again, now I'm really fucked. So it looks like somehow, some way I'm gonna be
forced to stop for awhile, the meth at least. Mom is not happy getting so little money from me

every month, usually $230 or so, but hell I have to pay $72 minimum for transportation to work,
phone bill is $25 a week, then Mom, fuck, then dope....there goes my entire cocksucking pay-
check now :(. Am so bummed. My cell phone charger of course decided to take a crap on me
now, so I have to hassle with transportation getting somewhere to replace a fuckin phone cord
to charge my phone. I CAN'T afford this now!!!

This is what I hated most about having a habit.
It's not just the dope itself, but the mindset that comes along with it, being fuck everything I don't
want to deal with. I remember back in the apartment days when my electricity finally got shut off, for some reason, that was the final thing that got me motivated to get some money. That nightI literally sold myself out on the street, lol, but I got my electricity back on. Trying to make money or problems that won't go away multiply doing shit, for me anyway. Still, the food thing, damn!

Our society hates fat people yet fucking food is everywhere, they advertise it all over bum fuck
Egypt, & you can't get away from it. I tended to stay to myself at home for that reason because
home is a controlled environment. Sigh. Work time.
Do I accept that I’ll never regain control, even after long periods of abstinence?

04/12/10 12:05 AM


I’ve already experienced long periods of abstinence. Twice.

I was clean from 1993 to 1998

Relapsed from 1998 to 2003

Clean again from 2003 to 2008

Relapsed again until the second day of rehab on August 22nd 2009

I keep fuckin’ up whenever I think “i’m normal now’ or when I tell myself ‘I can do just a little’

Yes, I accept that I won’t ever regain control.
What convinces me that I can’t use successfully anymore?

04/11/10 6:07 PM


My past history proves this. I can’t even drink alcohol or smoke weed. Alcohol fucks with my thought processes and ALWAYS brings me straight to coke. Weed isn’t enough for me.

So, here I am. Some jerkoff who abused his opportunities to get high for temporary relief. I don’t do temporary relief. Its all or nothing.
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