If I’ve been thinking about using or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else?
04/15/10 11:40 AM
I have had thoughts of using recently and, no, I have not told anyone. These thoughts, well they are sneaky motherfuckers.
Recently they have hit when I was angry at my dad because he thinks he can talk to me any certain way. Yeah, I owe the dude a lot (he’s helped me out BIG TIME financially) but I’m not here to be used as a punching bag when he’s having a bad day.
Sometimes, I think that it would be nice to get high simply because I feel like I’m ‘cured’. Sanity usually comes back and I know exactly where getting high ‘just once’ will take me.
Other aspects of acting out on my addiction manifest through thoughts of violence and revenge. I haven’t acted out on these because I’m trying to LIVE these principals that the Steps speak of. Its fuckin’ hard practicing humility, forgiveness, patience and open-mindedness. Its easy to read and write about these concepts but applying them to my day-to-day is another story.
So, why don’t I tell anyone of these thoughts I have? Well, there are a number of reasons. First, I recognize that they are simply thoughts and that they are temporary. Second, I feel like I know what my sponsor will tell me if I share them with him. Third, its uncomfortable talking about myself like that because of the above two reasons.
I shared at a meeting about how I have no problem listening to others when they have a particular challenge happening in their life. When it comes to me sharing with others my particular current challenges, I stay quiet. A dude approached me afterward and mentioned that it was selfish of me to keep my struggles to myself. Essentially, I am taking but not giving anything of myself on a deeper level. I get that. If its difficult for me to open up it must be difficult for others as well. So they are taking a chance telling me their pain and I don’t return the favor to others by taking that same chance. I need to work on that.
04/15/10 11:40 AM
I have had thoughts of using recently and, no, I have not told anyone. These thoughts, well they are sneaky motherfuckers.
Recently they have hit when I was angry at my dad because he thinks he can talk to me any certain way. Yeah, I owe the dude a lot (he’s helped me out BIG TIME financially) but I’m not here to be used as a punching bag when he’s having a bad day.
Sometimes, I think that it would be nice to get high simply because I feel like I’m ‘cured’. Sanity usually comes back and I know exactly where getting high ‘just once’ will take me.
Other aspects of acting out on my addiction manifest through thoughts of violence and revenge. I haven’t acted out on these because I’m trying to LIVE these principals that the Steps speak of. Its fuckin’ hard practicing humility, forgiveness, patience and open-mindedness. Its easy to read and write about these concepts but applying them to my day-to-day is another story.
So, why don’t I tell anyone of these thoughts I have? Well, there are a number of reasons. First, I recognize that they are simply thoughts and that they are temporary. Second, I feel like I know what my sponsor will tell me if I share them with him. Third, its uncomfortable talking about myself like that because of the above two reasons.
I shared at a meeting about how I have no problem listening to others when they have a particular challenge happening in their life. When it comes to me sharing with others my particular current challenges, I stay quiet. A dude approached me afterward and mentioned that it was selfish of me to keep my struggles to myself. Essentially, I am taking but not giving anything of myself on a deeper level. I get that. If its difficult for me to open up it must be difficult for others as well. So they are taking a chance telling me their pain and I don’t return the favor to others by taking that same chance. I need to work on that.