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Today is Wednesday, April 28th, 2010 and it is now 636 PM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

May 10th is, as far as Philippine Elections go, sort of like a solar eclipse in that it is a rare bird indeed. Not only will there be a Presidential Election but every other office is in the running as well. Since elections there are always rife with bloodshed one would probablly wager this one will be especially bloody. It is an easy bet given the way the season began.

Technically the season began November 4th, 2009 and as I noted in both my previous "Blood and Gore" entry as well as a CE and P Forum thread, the "Maguindanao Massacre" of 11/23 has set the tone.

For those unaware, that was the day when a Clan War ("rido" or "paglima") with a direct connection to the election season resulted in the cold blooded execution of 57 people. 30 of those people were journalists which made the incident the single worst case of violence against journalists in recorded history. Indeed, even before that travesty the Philippines was the most dangerous place in the world to be a journalist.

If the Philippines is dangerous, then our island of Mindanao is beyond description. The "Massacarre" took place in Maguindanao Province, which is located in "ARMM," the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao. On our island beyond description, ARMM is the most violent part.

To recap, Maguindanao had, up until the aftermath of that incident, been ruled by the Ampatuan Clan, whose patriarch Andal Ampatuan Sr. was the governor of Maguindanao. His 30 odd sons by 4 wives (his tribe, the Maguindanaons, are Muslim) were positioned as mayors throughout that province, as well as as the governor of ARMM, the region that envelopes the province.

The bloodshed took place when an allied clan, the Mangadadatu, of Buluan in Maguindanao decided to try and advance itself. The vice mayor of Buluan, Esmael "Toto" Mangadadatu let it be known that he would file his Certificate of Candidacy for Governor of the Province.

Andal Sr's son and heir apparent Andal Jr., the major of Datu Saudi, decided he was not going to allow that to take place. Since I did already devote 2 entries (1 Blog, 1 thread) to this affair I will simply say that the clan paramilitary waylaid the convoy at a police checkpoint inside the Ampatuan seat of power, Ampatuan (Town).

The immediate result was martial law and an extreme paranoia about the election at large. Even off duty soldiers and police have been forbidden to carry weapons but this has done nothing to lessen the violence since those inclined to commit such acts are not the type to worry about official policies anyway.

Virtually the entire Ampatuan Clan sits in various prisons awaiting their arraignment in late April though the Governor of ARMM , son Zaldy, and his brother-in-law Akmad Ampatuan (also a 1st cousin) have just had charges dropped. The smell of blood is in the air though and they are probablly quite thankfull that this development has not resulted in their release. On the contrary the decison by acting Secretary of Justice Alberto Agra has been viciously assailed and Agra is reportedly suicidal over the criticism (to say the least) over the decison.

The Sangki Clan, related to the Ampatuan, has risen in its stead and received most of the appointments to fill political vacancies. The fact that the Ampatuan paramilitary is still intact and in the bush, having hightailed it to avoid charges of Crimes Against Humanity, has been an uncomfortable reality for the Sangki.

Patriarch Zacaria is now the mayor of the provincial capital of Shariff Aguak. The first sign that his blood relationship to the Ampatuan would not work in his favour became apparent on 1/172010 when Sangki's in Sitio Najib, Barangay Salman, Ampatuan was burned to the ground, including crops.

On Sunday, 3/2010, at Zacaria's Phoenix brand petrol station, in Ampatuan, was subjected to an attempted bombing by IED. At 10 AM a young man stepped out of a jeepney (most common form of public transport) and handed a cardboard box to the attendant, who set it down next to a pump.

Sometime after the jeepney departed the attendant and coworkers became curious and peeked inside the box. They were a bit suprised to find an IED manufactured from a 60 MM mortar shell, wired to the usual Nokia cellphone).

The attendant then pushed the box (I assume very gently hahahaha) into the middle of National Hiway, the thoroughfare in front of the station (not exactly the smartest thing though). The AFP (army) was called and sappers disposed of it.

As if that was not stressful enough for Mayor Zacaria, at 730 that evening his residential compound was hit with 12 mortar shells (also 60 MM). 2 men were wounded.

On 4/05 2 more of the Sangki Clan's homes, as well as a school that employs a significant of Clansmen were all subjected to mortar shelling, again 60 MM, in Barangay Poblacion, Ampatuan.

To go from bad to worse, the next day, the mayor's brother Mohamadisa "Datu Haris" Sangki went out for one of his customary motorcycle rides in Cotabato City, in N. Cotabato, the province next to Maguindanao. Leaving his home in the well helled Rosary Heights section, he had just come around the City Plaza when he was flagged down at the intersection of SK Pendatun and Sinsuat Streets by 2 men on a motorcycle. Stopping, onlookers observed the trio engaging in conversation before 1 of the men who had flagged Datu Haris down stabbed him in the heart. The other man calmly walked over and capped him in the back of the skull with a 45 pistol.

The duo then got on their bike and rode of towards the main town market in Barangay Poblacion 5. The PNP (police) uncharactaristically went after the duo but only managed to nab the shooter, Kenny Osmena.

Datu Haris steered clear of both politics and Clan business and therefore was believed to be immune from such action, but then so were most of the 58 people killed in the Massacarre.

2 other Sangki Clansmen have been shot to death since and as yet no know action has been taken by the Sangki against the Ampatuan.

I will continue shortly...

Well not sure if I mentioned that I had a respertologist appointment today. I went and saw him and he sent me to get a ECG and PFT and both came back good. The chest xray he said looked like someone with Emphysema.

Well, lived around smokers all my life -- what should I have expected huh?

I have to go have a Allergy test on May 7th, and also an Methacoline Challenge Test and a CT Scan (yet to know the date yet but at 2 different hospitals -- fun times).

If it's not Emphysema its some form of C.O.P.D. My brother has that and my father has serious Bronchitis that is probably C.O.P.D if he was smart enough to get tested. By all rights though Nick isn't my father's son and him and I are only half-siblings (different fathers) and so unless he got it from my mom it has no bering on me. Though he didn't as his father has Emphysema.

I will update more in July on this.

Allright almost everybody has one, the most god awful stupid or embarasing thing you ever did when your wasted. Lets hear it, im talkin about you in the most embarassing or retarded form of you ever. I'll go first, it was a friday night like anyother- i had got my bottle and my bag as per my normal routine. anyway i dont want to bore you with two pages of what happand over the next three hours, so ill cut to chase. 12 shots of sothern confort and several doobs of some heavy indica later i threw up on this girl i had been trying to get with for weeks, and i dont mean just a little on her shoe, im talkin like all over the front of her shirt, and i had lazania(know my spelling sucks, you know what i mean) before partyin'. But wait - it gets worse, i then relized what had happaned and started sobbing cause i felt so bad about it. i stood outside the bathroom door while she was cleaning up and half sobed half yelled things at her like "youuuu H,H,H,HAAAATE, m,me nowww,w don't youuuu!?" and then she was ignoring me so in attempt to punish myself i went outside and started slaming my head in the door of a toyota camry, ended up she drove me to the hospital where i got 9 stitches in my head, though of coarse after that i had lost my chance.

if you have a story about your worst moment under the influence of the legal drug, please share them here

Allright almost everybody has one, the most god awful stupid or embarasing thing you ever did when your wasted. Lets hear it, im talkin about you in the most embarassing or retarded form of you ever. I'll go first, it was a friday night like anyother- i had got my bottle and my bag as per my normal routine. anyway i dont want to bore you with two pages of what happand over the next three hours, so ill cut to chase. 12 shots of sothern confort and several doobs of some heavy indica later i threw up on this girl i had been trying to get with for weeks, and i dont mean just a little on her shoe, im talkin like all over the front of her shirt, and i had lazania(know my spelling sucks, you know what i mean) before partyin'. But wait - it gets worse, i then relized what had happaned and started sobbing cause i felt so bad about it. i stood outside the bathroom door while she was cleaning up and half sobed half yelled things at her like "youuuu H,H,H,HAAAATE, m,me nowww,w don't youuuu!?" and then she was ignoring me so in attempt to punish myself i went outside and started slaming my head in the door of a toyota camry, ended up she drove me to the hospital where i got 9 stitches in my head, though of coarse after that i had lost my chance.

if you have a story about your worst moment under the influence of the legal drug, please share them here

That shit makes me sick. I dont wanna limit myself like that. So I dont focus on that shit. I dont believe in the NA progam, and while bein around ppl and havin someone to talk to can help, I feel like the majority of the shit they preach is straight up garbage and its poisonous to some peoples minds, and i feel like some of it really serves to keep people using and relapsing. Ill get into that some other time, but for now Im just sayin, it really helps to NOT think of yourself as like this kind of "other" person, a "addict" , drug user, junkie, etc. You are you.....who was that person that u had inside u before u became hooked on that shit? She still in there. You aint gotta be a drug addict forever, you can be you . you can get clean and move on with your life, it aint always gotta be about drugs. I really believe that the whole NA theory can really make it harder for people to get clean, becuz when you on drugs your whole life is about drugs, but when you off drugs in NA, your whole life is still about drugs, its just about NOT doing drugs.

THe point is to have a normal full life again, not spend 3 nights a week talkin about drugs, and how you are powerless, and cant control if u use or not, and are a weak little hopeless person who has no say in her life. That shit is bull. U got the power, u got the strenth, and u can USE it to make ur life better .Thats how I did it, and I am a whole lot happier than all these mutha fuckas I see in NA , still tellin the same damn story of their rock bottom that they been tellin for 16 years , still callin themself a addict, still actin like they just got clean yesterday, still preachin about all that self-defeatin bullshit that they do. Fuck that, u aint powerless yo, you got the power to control your destiny, so take that shit yo.

and the thing is, I bene doin mad good on probation....I actually go once every 2 weeks now. So if i wanted to, I could use a good amount of time outta that 2 weeks. I could get high if i wanted to. It aint that the probation is keeping me clean. that was just the motivation for STARTING me on the path of gettin clean, but now that I been doin the right thing for this long , I could be shootin dope every 2 weeks after I see my PO, but i dont evne really want to. I can think about dope and feel neutral, instead of obsessed. And if i did use, I dont feel bad. For my birthday in febuary I stopped the meth for a few days and got some oxy's, I wanted to try and have some fun. I got like 220mg and ended up not feelin much anyways. But then the next day I just went back on my methadone and that was that. I didnt feel bad , I didnt "relapse", i just chose it and nothin came of it. I didnt go back to the beginning and start counting from day 1 of clean time again. I just kept goin on just as I had been, cuz nothing had changed. I was still a happy person who could feel happy without drugs, who wasnt obsessed with dope, who didnt need dope, who was off that shit and cool with it for the most part. So why act like i did some kind of bad thing, liek I made a mistake? it wasnt no mistake.

And thats how i believe in this shit. Its your conscious choices. You DO have the control. You maybe aint got it when you are at your worst, for a long time I felt like i had no say in my own life, i felt like someone else was controlling me and makin me do all these horrible things. i felt powerless, and I felt like i would just keep using til i died cuz there was no other choice for me. But then, when i realized my situation, when that "act of god" u was referring to before happened, it was like shit had to change, and it totally changed my mind set.

Everybody got their weak side and their strong side . most of us, our weak side is callin the shots all thru out our addiction and we feel like we cant do nothing about it, thats why NA seems so appealing to so many people, cuz "you are powereless, it aint your fault" etc. and we honestly feel liek we cant do nothin about our situation, and we are right. You cant "Just stop." it AINT about willpower, cuz if you COULD just stop like that you would. its somethin more.

but once you get that revelation, that moment where you realize that you really , truly want to get clean, and you want it more than anything else and are willing to devote yourself to that goal, then its liek all of a sudden, your reserve tank of fuel kicked in, you got strenth again, this power taht u didnt even know u had is right there for u to draw from, and u get stronger and stronger every day, until that person who felt so helpless and broken, is just a stranger to you somebody you dont even recognize no more. And its a feeling u cant force, u cant force the "revelation" moment, you cant get there til u are ready. When u are, you will be. Its that simple. the moment will come , and if that moment is now you will know becuz as you go on you will start to feel so happy, accomplished, and that will make u want to keep going, u will be buildin gup momentum and its like u can start makin more progress everyday.
I guess this wasnt all that helpful after all. I kinda thought that sharin my story with u might help u out and see some other options that u usually dont see. I mean I didnt go to detox, didnt go to rehab, I dont go to NA, i didnt go to no programs, no IOP, no nothing but the methadone and some real time alone to just think to myself about things....I just took ahold of my future and did it. In the past i hadnt been able to, it was like i was frozen, stuck, but once I broke through, it was like i wasa whole new person, i was able to do all the shit that had seemed so hard before, and it was way easier than I thought.

I couldnt imagine ever STAYING off dope and actually not using it, at all. How would i ever get thru my years-long probation sentence? How would i manage to stay clean if somethin really bad happened and i couldnt deal with it? wat would happen if on one of the days that I was using in between visits to my P.O, that I got pulled over after coppin my dope and got arrested again and got locked up and violated and.........It was always just a crazy tornado of scared, anxious, questions in my head, like nothin was ever ok, i could never just feel peaceful and calm like the way i did on dope. I ended up on klonopin for all that shit and I still would bug out sometimes. I would have nightmares of all this shit happenin like I was gettin arrested again for somethin I didnt do, etc, where I woudl wake up in the morning, sweating and sometimes screamin, and my heart was racing and i was breathin so fast I couldnt catch my breath and i would be in a straight up panic attack as soon as i opened my eyes.

but its like the methadone does the opposite. It quiets down all that shit in my head. I feel so chill and laid back, its like all that shit is totally manageable cuz I know that its just ridiculous. I feel like my normal self, liek the person who I was before I got on dope way back .

And to be totally real with u, I dont evne catch those cravings like that these days. Those hardcore obesssions...They are gone. And THAT was always my down fall. Even when I was clean, I would still privately be fantasizing about getin high again. It was like this whole elaborate world i had made up in my head with these fantasies of using, and i would get so into it that i could literally feel the ache inside my chest, the need to use.....It was like i could never move forward gettin clean cuz inside i still wanted to use so bad. when i would have a craving to use it was liek it took over my whole entire body like my whole self was screamin out for dope. the want for it, na the NEED was so strong it woul dhave me goin crazy in the head, doin reckless things, running into my lil' sister room and rippin apart her stuff lookin for the stash of money from her Sweet 16 party. (I still hate myself for that. I did pay her back once I got clean tho, and she never knew it had been gone.) It was like the shit just took over. And even later on, when i got more in control of the cravings, it would be more like a dull ache inside my chest...the same way that u would kind of wish , and long for somebody you loved who died, somebody u cant have but still miss. I would have this deep, sad lonely feeling, just thinkin about me and my dope and wishin we could be together again.

But yo, over time, its like....Word is bond, honest to god, the obsession died. It was like a light switch that got turned on or off. The shit just disappeared. All that shit about "triggers" and shit like that--I was able to do shit like make up a shot for my boy and then shoot him up cuz he couldnt hit, without using, without even WANTING to use. I felt totally indifferent to it. So fuck talkin about driving past a certain house where u got high at could "make" u use.

Once you got it in your mind, once you REALLY got it set in there solid, its like u got a mission.

You have to want to be CLEAN, more than u want to USE.

And, you know how you hope and dream about things you want? How maybe if u want to be...IDK...a singer or somethin....you will think about it, dream about it...You will practice singin, do your voice lessons....Try out at any auditions you can....you will devote hours of ur time and effort to it, to try and do your best, you willing to put in the work cuz you really WANT it....

You have to feel like THAT, about gettin clean. You cant do it cuz you "should" or somebody wants u to, or cuz its the "right thing to do" or becuz all these reasons that dont really come from inside. When ur heart aint in it, you aint gonna have the determination to follow thru with it, and u will back down when shit get rough. You gotta have that burning desire in u, to give u the strenth to keep pushin, cuz shit aint gonna be no picnic....But , the good thing is....once you DO feel that way, and you get some momentum goin....It actually gets easier and easier.

At least to me, IDK how everyboyd else is, but once I got to a month clean and got past that, it stopped really even bein much of a effort....I just got into auto pilot, into a 'non drug user' mode that was just how i am. It stopped bein a struggle, a choice of whether to use or not. It wasnt even question. shit didnt cross my mind. I just am a non drug user, so why would i have to decide if i will use drugs or not. I had my mind made up, and thats all there was to it. Once i started thinking that way, and since i had the very real threat of gettin sent down state if i didnt do it how i was supposed to, it got pretty easy to get goin.

I know its hard to stay clean, its hard to kick, its hard to learn how to live a totally new and different life. its all just mad confusing and u dont know where to start and how to do shit and all that. I aint tryna say its just some kinda thing thats as easy as playin computer solitaire. But my point is that once I made up my mind and really devoted myself to it, shit was much easier than I thought it would be. I dont really feel like i am "struggling" to stay clean. I just am. I stopped countin after 7 months, cuz it aint really about that no more. I dont go to NA. I dont focus on my addiction, on bein a addict, on all that shit. I think about regular, normal shit that u deal with in everyday life. I dont WANT to be sayin "I am a addict" 20 years after I stopped using, like some of these old fucks in the NA meetings.

Anyways the point is that I know how it is to be usin a decent amount, not no baby habit shit, and have it consume ur life....Now u got the advantage, or maybe the curse, of bein a undercover user...So its good in the way that it means that ur habit is in control enough that u can still function normally and have a job and shit. I was a low life drug dealing hustlin-ass scheme-runnin fast talkin little bitch, couldnt get a job , got arrested 3 times in 7 months, all kind of shit. I was a mess straight up.

And i tell u this cuz when u hear somebody who says "yea i was using like 5 bags a day sometimes, and i used almost every single day, but I got clean! after 6 months of bein addicted to sniffing dope, I got clean!" and you want to be like yo, mad respect for gettin clean, good for you, but I dont know if your technique will work for somebody like me who been usin and abusin and doin this shit for 7 years, 10 years, 15 yrs, w/ever. I shoot your weekly amount of bags in a day, on a BAD day. On a good day, who knows.

And it aint like ur lookin down on them, but u jsut feel like, I dont know if i can do that, i mean, i got a worse habit, Im a REAL fuck up, Hes a good kid who just messed up, he probly do just fine, he wasnt a REAL addicts, Im hopeless, I cant be helped, etc. We all think like that sometimes. So Im tellin you. I was definately alot more than a "hobby" user. I was a full speed ahead, balls to the wall, til death do us part dope feen. Wakin up with needles still in my arm, wakn up in a ambulance on the way to the hospital after OD'ing and ripping the IV's out of my arm to run out the hospital and go get the rest of my dope and get high again cuz they ruined such a great high . 8( Shit like that.

And my point is, if I can do it, you can do it. thats all.

Everybody always knew me as the person that they hated to admit it, but they figured I would be dead within a year if i didnt go to prison for gettin caught again. I had friends tell me that "no offense, but I never thought you would be able to do this. I always figured you would be one of the ones who just used til it put you in the ground" and shit like "I hate to say this but, yea, I kinda used to be scared for you, the shit you used to do made me be like holy mother of god, this girl fuckin lost it...Shes gonna die" and that was from a kid that I looked at as bein "crazy" who would do all kind of reckless shit and he was sayin I was the crazy one.

So i really suprised them, and my self when I got clean.

It started out as just somethin to do to keep my ass outta jail. I was on probation for 2 charges. One was a distribution and conspiracy charge that I pleaded out on , I caught a break cuz the police fucked up their warrants and it kept me out of prison. And the other one was for possession of 50 bags of dope. So if i violated one probation i violated both of them, got both my plea deals revoked, and got hit with two VOP sentences on top of that....So, pretty much if i pissed dirty I would be headin down state for a couple years at least.

I fucked up somehow and came up dirty and when my PO told me all this I was like beggin him not to take me to jail that night , they wanted to lock me up right on the spot and I finally talked him out of it, but I got hit with much harder restrictions, u know, some last chance shit, and I had to do IOP.

At that point I realized...Shit. I was going every 7 days, and I was using on the 1st and 2nd day then stayin clean til I went to probation again, and even with leavin myself 5 days to get clean, I had still violated and pissed dirty.

I realized that i had to stop playin the game. ..like before, I knew i was gamblin with some dangerous risks, but I felt like i had it under control, i could safely bet that id be ok and still use a few times a week....But once I realized that if i fucked up ONCE more, i was goin to prison, thats it, no question....It was like yo, I cant even afford to play no more. The stakes is sooo fuckin high, I just cant even be bettin on this shit.

And of course, IOP means u get 3 piss tests a week, randomly, so there aint no window of time that u can safely use in. Pretty much, i realized this is it. I got to ACTUALLY, TRULY get clean this time--I aint got no fuckin choice. Its either be clean here, or clean in state prison.

So I went home....

And copped dope....

And got suuuuper fall-down high.....(Stupid move, since my PO coulda called me in at any time before my appt with him the next week to try and catch me and see if i would fuck up) Just to show u how stupid I still was. That i had just got out of gettin locked up and knew i would if i used agan and i still went back and used. But you know, you gotta have your one last time....8)

Anyways, after that, i DID get clean. I got on the methadone clinic, cuz I was like yo, I need SOMETHING. I need that safety net, I need somethin to help me kick, I cant just do this alone, i dont want to and i dont need to.

So, i got on the clinic for a few months, and then I found out a bout a dr. near me who would prescribe methadone for MMT, for people who had pain issues and addiction issues. I got in a few car accidents a year or 2 ago, and I had a accident at work when i had slipped and fell on grease on the floor and fucked up my back pretty bad. So i actually got a legitimate back injury, MRI's n all that, so this dr was willing to help me out by givin me my own script for methadone. That way I could live a more normal life and not hav eto go to the stupid clinic everyday.

I ended up not goin to IOP, cuz I couldnt pay for it myself, and the only state sponsored program that my county would pay for in my area, was totally full and had a mad long waiting list. So instead I just went to one on one counseling once a week, which wasnt shit cuz the counselor saw that I was clean and that I understood the situation, and that I was more educated on addiction and how it works than he was, so he was like "why are u even here? u obviously dont need to be." After a few sessions he wrote a letter to my PO that he didnt think i needed to be there and that I was doin fine on my own so i was formally dismissed from counseling.

And thats about it yo--Im on methadone. thats my secret. Thats my success.

I have a reason not to use that is so strong that I just understand completely that I CANT DO IT. It aint a question of can i , should i, it just aint even a option. The same way that a person who aint never used drugs before, they dont have to "stay clean", they just ARE "clean" becuz they dont use--thats how it is for me these days.

I like the methadone. It does alot to hit all the same spots that diesel did, but without the high and the real addictive, feening shit. It makes me feel like everythings gonna be ok. It keeps me sane, on some calm shit...none of the anxiety and depression that I had on suboxone.

I really believe that i couldnt be doin this on sub. I know that when i used to be on it, i would feel so shitty, so depressed and just in general terrible that it was only a matter of time till i would use again. I hated it, it didnt help me, i felt all the same emotional struggle on it that i did when i was kickin without nothing, all it did was kind of dull down the physical part so i only felt 20% of it instead of 100%.

But methadone is different yo, it really worked for me.....I know its different for everyone....But methadone, I dont know how to explain it---Its like it makes me feel "reassured." I get that "it will all be all right' feeling that I use to get while I was on dope, and that I would feel the opposite of when I was on suboxone. On sub it was constant anxiety, i would get panic attacks sometimes for no reason, I felt so angry and irritable all the time, I was just a mess up in the head. It felt like everything was unsure, everything was a question. I didnt know how i would make it to tomorrow.

JosephTHeSequel said:

Wish I knew the answer suburbangirl. Unbreakable is onto the right point, tho. It is about addressing the issue(s) in your life that are causing you to use. I have been on dope for years now. I do it to escape from the pain. Wish I never started because is is really just a vicious and ugly cycle.

For me the physical withdraw isn't the worst part. I mean, it sucks, but the empty feeling is what gets me to go back every time. Unless I am on dope, I am completely empty. I cant get past that empty feeling. And everyone else is right about being 100% committed to getting off of it. Thing is, I know what i need to do. I know what the source of my pain is, and I could probably go to a suboxone dr, get the script of subs, and then couple that with a psychiatrist, and I would probably be a lot closer to beating that "emptiness" that comes with being off dope.

Best of luck to you sister, Anyone who successfully gets off dope becomes a better person. I hope one day I can get there, but im not 100% committed yet, and like everyone is saying, that commitment is key~

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heyyy wat up brother....I hear u 100%....The emptiness is the biggest obstacle u will have in tryin to get off dope...
The feeling inside u, that it is never enough. Its a empty, hollow feeling, its like there is this hole...this unidentified, un locate-able hole inside your chest somewhere, and u can feel it there, physically its like a dark vibration in the pit of your stomach, and its always right there.

You cant touch it, you cant describe it, you cant figure out exactly wat it is. You aint sure how it got there, and you dont know why it stays, and you really dont know....You just dont fuckin know .

That feeling, that emptiness down there.....THAT is why you use. That is why you feel the endless need, na, a compulsion, to destroy urself....Like u just cant ride down the track in a straight line for long, after a good successful run of bein "normal" its like you need it, you CRAVE it, to sabotage yourself and fail and fall down....

its the impulse in the back of ur mind when u drive down the highway past the cities u used to cop in...The voice that gets louder and louder as u see the signs that says "Route 80 Paterson - Route 280 Newark Keep Right"....the pulses in your muscles that makes ur hands turn the wheel towards the exit and all of a sudden u dont even know how and u are 20 seconds away from the block where ur dealer is at. And while you doin it all the alarms goin off in your head and you want to just cut and run, bail the fuck out knowing its wrong....

But that hole tho.....Its gettin filled up, with this delicious feeling....this dark, luxurious velvety touch, devilish smile, for just one second instead of feeling helpless and hollow, you feelin pretty satisfied....got a smug secret, cant wait to get home and boot that shit into your veins....It fills up for a minute with this kind of secret anticipation, excitement, you feel like you and your mistress is on your way up to your hotel room and you just cant wait to rip off her clothes....The bags that u pour out into the bottle cap, your set as u draw up the water got the blood rushin thru you like a waterfall, you feel like u almost....I dont even know....Its like the non sexual version of bein sexually turned on...Ur whole existence is vibrating with this anticipation that ur abot to give in and do it again and you just about to melt into a puddle of extatic satisfaction....


I could never find it my self yo. I know that emptiness, that big loud echoing space inside under my ribs somewhere. And I dont know wat it is. I dont know why I feel it. I cant put my finger on it. Its just always been there, all my life, and the older I got the bigger it felt.

I wish I knew the reason yo, I wish I knew the reason that I would put needles in my veins day after day. Its like a mystery to me, some kind of foreign secret , locked tight, shut and nailed and steel bars lockin it in, like some shit I just cant unfold .I try to look deeper into it and i just stop, its a wall, I cant get no farther. Im blocked from my self, I cant find the source of this.

JosephTHeSequel said:

Wish I knew the answer suburbangirl. Unbreakable is onto the right point, tho. It is about addressing the issue(s) in your life that are causing you to use. I have been on dope for years now. I do it to escape from the pain. Wish I never started because is is really just a vicious and ugly cycle.

For me the physical withdraw isn't the worst part. I mean, it sucks, but the empty feeling is what gets me to go back every time. Unless I am on dope, I am completely empty. I cant get past that empty feeling. And everyone else is right about being 100% committed to getting off of it. Thing is, I know what i need to do. I know what the source of my pain is, and I could probably go to a suboxone dr, get the script of subs, and then couple that with a psychiatrist, and I would probably be a lot closer to beating that "emptiness" that comes with being off dope.

Best of luck to you sister, Anyone who successfully gets off dope becomes a better person. I hope one day I can get there, but im not 100% committed yet, and like everyone is saying, that commitment is key~

Click to expand...

heyyy wat up brother....I hear u 100%....The emptiness is the biggest obstacle u will have in tryin to get off dope...
The feeling inside u, that it is never enough. Its a empty, hollow feeling, its like there is this hole...this unidentified, un locate-able hole inside your chest somewhere, and u can feel it there, physically its like a dark vibration in the pit of your stomach, and its always right there.

Its like how u can be surrounded by people, your family, somebody u love, or even a crowd of strangers, but no matter where u go, u feel so terribly alone....Except when u drive or walk down that block and once you got that dope in your hand its like your all sunshine and fuckin smiles.

That crushing emptiness and lonelyness always made me be unable to get clean. I tried suboxone so many times and i never got farther than a few days. I just could never take it. as soon as i could get high again I would. I rather just not think back then, u know?

The physical pain , sometimes it almost feels like a cross to bear, like ur punishment...and it dont feel good, never does, but in your head its like you can almost enjoy the IDEA of it (not the ACTUAL feelings, lol of course not) becuz like most junkies, the masochistic side of u is enjoyin the irony of how u hurt all those around u with ur use....and u hurtin urself....and now u got to deal with all this pain as ur punishment that u deserve. So even tho u are miserable and u cant stand it, at least that feels almost FAIR.....

But that emotional side, the depression, suicide feelings, the emptiness, that shits the worst yo.


And thats why I aint gonna recomment kickin 100%.

Suburbangirl, If you dont mind listening....If you want to hear how I did it, I will tell you. It would be a long story, but I hope you could get somethin out of it, and wouldnt just skip over cuz its long.

I think that most folks on BL who have talked to me over the years know that I am a drug addict and that for most of the time that I ever been on here, I been hooked on dope and opiates. Whether it was 'takin a break' from dope and gettin hooked on oxys instead, or goin back to dope but "I wont shoot it t his time, ill only sniff!" to, Ah, fuck it and another 2 years of pokin myself with needles a million times a day, i got a reputation as a junkie with alot of folks on here.

And I was never much of a weekend user, I was always balls to the wall about shit, so when I was really usin and into it, my usual daily habit was 25-30 bags a day. IDK how that translates to yall measurements out in Detroit, but if u go with the standard "10 bags=about 1 gram" thing then I guess it would be a 2.5-3g a day habit of that nice clean NJ powder.

that's right, I'm in full procrastinate mode. I'm supposed to be writing two papers and a speech. instead however, I'm BL'ing and smoking the remenants of this bong my sister packed earlier. balls on having to do schoolwork over spring break.

Easter was yesterday, it was fun. got to watch Landen do an egg hunt, lol, little fucker found just about every single egg that they put money in. he ended up with like $10 in quarters and a few dollar bills, and he found the "big egg" with a $5 in it too!

it is so hard to make myself do this... lol I got to get off of this blasted website...ok blog, until next time!

-dP

i am someone who has been using dextromethorphan for its dissociative effects for over two years now. I've always wanted to try the the heavy duty ones- k or dust, and after 2 years i finnaly came upon a vial of liquid pcp. i was just gonna dip a cig. in it most likley. Could anyone tell me how much, or how little i should do to get it as strong as a second plataue dxm trip? also descriptions on how they are different and things i should be prepared for that can be expierienced on pcp and not on dxm would be greatly appriciated. i urdge anyone who has gone from dex to dust or tried both to throw their two cents in.

are there any vitamins, suppliments or anything that can be used to lower the bodys tolerance to thc? and i know if a put down the bong for 5 days it would do it, but i dont see that happaning. any info would be great

Anyone know a recipie on how to make regular amphedamine from phsudo, you know without the methyl group? is it any easier than just cookin staight meth? lost my adderall hook up and want to know how hard it would be to just make my own from ephedrine or phsudo. i like adderall just fine and if possible i dont want to take it to the next level by making it to meth

Are you a picky addict? I am. I used to just take any opiate that came my way... Now just raw, and OC 40's or 80's. And only sniff. Just wondering how many more like me are out there.

Yup today is my birthday -- yay me

Chocolate fudge cake, fudge frosting with strawberries.

Kids are making a smarties marble cake tonight :D

Going out in a minute for me time YAY!


you all Bluelighters ...

I has the court date on the 14th, with an amazing lawyer at my side. We ended up settling of the record, with a follow up vist in June to see how things are going and if all goes well by Sep. 1st I'll have her home with me!!!!!!

It's so rare that I get to post anything good that I just had to say someting about this.

Wish me luck

I have a lot of goodness in my life despite several catastrophes that have transpired.

I am doing well in my classes, and have developed a circle of people that I look forward to seeing on campus. I can't really call them friends, but classmates and mutual members of student organizations. The president of SSDP put in a good word for me in Student Government, in which I may be on the executive board next semester. This guy, the president is so fucking awesome... Not only did he get me first dibs on the MAPS scholarship, he booked our hotel and then Student Government... Its so unreal to me that a person who barely knows me beyond my drug knowledge and my major ---would stick his next out for me.

The kindness of others surprises me that I would deserve any of such.

However, if I were him- I would do the same for others as well.

Really, the only thing at this time that is killing me is the money factor. I really dont want a job, but because of recent events I must attain one. I am extremely scared of this (past events with my last job), and hope I can get one on campus.

Outside of this, I got a Monroe piercing and it has healed perfectly. Tomorrow MGS and I will be hiking them there mountains with a bit of a sparkle and churn so to speak. 2C-C and 5-MeO-DMT. I've been wearing a vial of 5-MeO-DMT as to get my body's vibrations aligned with that of the substance.

This will be the first time I've tripped in 2 years. CRAZY I KNOW. I had said something to this effect in the PD "it was a strange dynamic of always having a beautiful time, but it wasn't her it was me."

I guess for a long time I tried to move completely away from drugs and psychedelics. Mainly because of MGS's opiate withdrawal and drug addictions. I held ill feelings towards substances for a time, because they were the mechanism in which my life became unstable.

Now I have learned, that I cannot conceal and stow away part of who I am and that one way or another "it" (psychoactives) will appear in my life. Like when my boss saw my history of Bluelight on the work computer and went crazy over me and telling me I do too many drugs --- yadda yadda. When in fact I hadn't touched a thing in years. This is when I realized-- "WHY would I even care to listen or justify myself to a person who carries such prejudgments?" Like wearing a mask constantly, trying to separate myself --- from myself.

Anyhoot, so here I am being myself. Advocacy, doin my thing of excellence.

All is good.

The truest amazement that I have experienced are these moments.

Moments stringing together, without tampering or purposeful placement by my hands.

lined up, in perfect form to create the present time that I participate.

Eternally in motion, internally a supposed time of dance.

Seeking to relieve this mourning.

If only this clocks gears would tick with certainty.

A confused state of unknowing. I have failed to be kind to myself nor those that I love dearest.

The dealer of this deck, is a sabotage. Espionage to the altered self. A blockage to the truest self, higher self, infinite self.

Is there even a self? I blind to see mirrored images, but what, I am that distorted being staring back?

I used to believe external factors were the joker. But with open eyes, I am the determining factor. The singular detriment to the fortune I seek.

Though told, a beautiful soul, being and whole. Hardly am I able to muster a smile and thank you.

Thinking to myself, "you don't even know one shred of how horrible of a human I am and have become".

Equivocally, undoubtedly I do not know who I am? Who am I? What am I?

I feel so unworthy of the gifts I have been graced with. Like a fallen angel who betrayed the will of God.

To live a life that which I must scorn? Am I even alive anymore?

These moments pass and I am enthralled, elaided. Yet, consciously I punish myself by actions of human disregard.

Am I broken? What is my purpose?

These questions I understand are to evaluate my importance. Though knowing I determine this.

I lock myself away, often, scared and petrified of shaming myself and others. I face this daily, never have I experienced such a level of self awareness.

Scared shitless.

I revisit my childhood now, and can account for where these feels arise. As small child, crying with no urgency or comfort by my parents. How do you heal a damaged child? Am I even capable?

I am in deep pain. Endless pain.

Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways?

04/21/10 3:01 PM

Absolutely. I feel that I have been thus far.

• I’ve done a 90 and 90

• I go to meetings even when I don’t want to

• I talk to people that I have already pre-judged

• I call my sponsor

• I ALWAYS keep my phone on no matter what time of day it is

• I’ve recently been hitting meetings in another area

• I became the co-chairperson of the Public Information committee for my area EARLY in recovery

• I speak at meetings when asked even though it intimidates me

• I give people rides to meetings whether I want to or not

• I’m implementing principles in my life

K is sick with a fever and we still haven't gotten it on! I went out tonight w/B, and he is not as cool or smart or interesting.
But I made a new girlfriend and my job interview went well.
Why do I like K so much... sigh...

Am I willing to go to meetings regularly?

04/20/10 12:32 AM

Yes. I have already done 90 meetings in 90 days (a meeting a day for 90 days) and I continue to make a minimum of 5 meetings a week.

I have also started going to meetings in another area due to the town I’ve been hitting them in, well... its gettin’ stale. Time to broaden my base.