4/3/2010
Fat shots? Obviously, I have no clue as to what you're talking about, because the only kind of "fat shos" I'm aware of are those rare do dads filled with some awesome meth. I've heard of shots dieters used to get at the "fat clinics," but I doubt you're talking about them. No matter. Whatever the hell they are, from the way you've described them, I'm quite content to just "forget about them," haha.
Your writings have caused me to reflect & think of course. I don't believe anything really is "by accident." I can't lie; I get sad any time I hear about "recovery" literature, although happy for whoever is long term and seriously loving the hell out of it vs. the "using" life. My sponsor had asked me under what circumstance did I think I could NOT get out of clean? Ironically, where apparently most of the members I'd heard share had indicated it would be emotional pain, I'm opposite.
My own deliberate mental training plus dope allowed me an ex-
tremely high tolerance for emotional pain, as I'd feel it, take dope, & write about it. In recovery, I was taught to keep writing, but to pick up the phone, talk to God, work the Steps--& I was ok. I didn't use, although sure I DID miss the massive physical intensity of pleasure only IV speed has only ever given me. Still, I told my sponsor what would take me out would be if, God forbid, I was fucked with some long or even short term illness that created ongoing, intensive physical pain—and that would do me in.
Although, it wasn't physical pain, per se, it WAS/is a debilitating condition that has a drastic negative impact-- physically. It started somewhere around my 15th month clean, but soon became increasingly worse. I lasted through 9 months of intensive chronic fatigue before I finally said fuck it & "went back out." I know other NA members that would have stuck it out, put up with it, even if they never found any relief. They would of continued to seek correct solution, via the correct way.
The mere fact that I lasted 9 freaken months without picking up the needle long before THAT would not have happened without NA. I wouldn't of gone to the Dr. & had tests, tried Weight Watchers, exercise ect & still stayed clean for 27 months with no relief in sight. I had no more money for more tests as a clean person, so my choices as I saw it were either put up with being miserable knowing I may or may never get "well," whatever the fuck that even meant.
The 2nd option is what real tough ass recovery principled members had said ,"using is NOT an option." That meant, the price of using would be too high, in my mind. I see their point. And, I didn't just blindly, "accidentally" relapse one night, nor was it in any way a shock when it did finally arrive. The fatigue left me so debilitated; I was barely able to work 4 x a week. I went from 6 day wk, to 5, then 5 days every other wk.
I managed that schedule barely, but the meeting attendance became less & less, as did my social life, until I dropped to 1 meeting a wk, no social life, just work & sleep. I was encouraged to go to more meetings of course, but the fatigue made my quality of life crap. All I could do was constantly fight to stay awake. I am not making any excuses to justify my using. I had a choice--a real shitty, crap choice, but I could have chosen to put up with being tired 24/7 while taking however long it took to find out why. I didn’t. I chose drugs instead. They can only offer temporary relief, but I didn’t care anymore. I know that & yeah it's no one's fault by mine.
God knows there are things I love about using even more than before. The obvious benefit: feeling anything other than fucking tired, relief from chronic morbid obesity. Truthfully, it's a damn miracle the FAT didn't send me running for meth long before the fatigue pissed all over me. I'd forgotten how wonderful it felt to be able to move around freely again. When the lbs kept dropping---until the weight loss leveled & I've maintained a steady 170 lbs for the last 3 months or so--my looks returned, so everyone says.
I tried to accept the fact that I was going to have to be fat forever (in spite of Weight Watchers & 3 x wk at the gym + walking.) Once I hit 223 lbs, I was stuck at a porky size 20--& it REALLY hurt. My creativity was the last to be restored--assets that only my using self has---but ONLY along with a very high price.. Nothing is ever free.. If I ever did get clean again, in order to NOT weigh more than 170 lbs, I’d probably have to attend OA instead of NA to deal with & have the strength to suffer the intensive food cravings without drugs. Overeaters Anonymous (12 steps 4 lard asses like I never want to be again) would be more practical since with all the clean druggies, every fucking social activity revolves WAY too much around food!
That’s fine & dandy if you’re one of the lucky ones that won’t turn into the Good Year Blimp in 5 months of clean time, but it obviously is NOT fine for me. The combination of long term meth use off, stopping just like that at age 42 was when the beached whale took up residence in my body—in spite of Weight Watchers & exercise 3 x a week. I couldn’t maintain anything lower than 223 lbs. I was horrified the fat had piled on at the rate of 5 lbs/wk for 5 months---until I reached 240 lbs—until Mr. Prick moved back in & booted the ugly fat back out.
All the time before, as a teenager, I thought I was fat, was all in my mind.
Having felt what it was like to be a size 22, experiencing the prison of immobility, as well as being very unattractive, made me appreciate the way I look, & move now. That’s only because now I know what it means to REALLY be fat. All I know is that I don't ever want to have to go through that again—even if it means having to be a meth head. I hope I can perhaps convince my Dr. of the severity of the fat & fatigue problem & ask her to write me a script for a one a day pill or something.
I haven’t had the nerve though, as I don’t want that to have to suffer potential consequences of such a request. Truthfully, I can't understand why & how half the other NA members that were also as big or bigger than I was, tolerate being and looking like hideous gluttons either. That is the equivalent of exchanging one addictive behavior for another as far as I'm concerned. A weight gain of up to as much as 40 lbs is understandable, which is still a lot, but beyond that - is absolutely unacceptable to me.
I still don't have the answers as to my current problems that using creates, mainly financial, as well as so called spiritual which is the awareness of the pain caused by my being a recluse. Also, those occasional emotional blow ups I'm famous for. The blow ups, I've managed to curtail but are difficult in the heat of the moment, to apply. My using has been rationed & cut by half out of simple monetary lack. .
Having change forced upon me, always due to financial pressure either from stagnating & knowing I should be getting paid a lot more than a dead end job--or because others force it on me either by 100% rent increase, having to move, ect. pisses me off to the point of outright hate at the situation. I find challenge a serious insult in situations as above, or similar variations---as well as a threat once again to my survival/security. I would rather stay in a stupidly, insultingly low paying dead end shit job & do without credit cards, as I have over 14 yrs, anything but a junk car, a house, or anything that involves payments longer than 3-6 months max.
I don't do high maintenance commitments--financial or time wise, other than drugs, friendships, cell phone, & rent. I try to find the absolute cheapest rent, $250/mo ideally. Cell with net is my luxury, but I can't imagine being tied down 24/7 to some high pressure career, spouse, or possession (except dope) that hinders spontaneity. Granted, temporarily working 7days a week, or working 2 jobs 5 days a week for up to 6 months, or a year to attain financial piece of mind is doable, but beyond that, hell no.
Cutting ties with dope did grant some freedoms--easier to travel without worrying about lack of connection, having enough dope to maintain a state of feeling "normal," not to mention the expense. Believe it or not though, there is a price to pay for sobriety as well. In my case, I loved the benefits & hated the disadvantages.
I was unwilling past a certain point to continue suffering the chronic fatigue. Drugs have thus far been my only relief---feeling fantastic at times---but not without a very high price.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
In starting my first blog, i want to say quite often i turn to blogs to rant or vent about certain issues pissing me off, annoying me etc..sometimes i tend to generalize, but i do understand that there are exceptions to just about everything! 
