Blogs

Freshly waxed Cadillac’s

Sometimes this world seems to be

One huge sphere of travesty

The ball has been dropped

The game has been lost

Still we fight the eminent

No matter the cost

With hair transplants

And color contacts

We'll spend billions

To cover up

Our genetic mal-advancements

And help us to see

A human flaw called vanity

Silicon monuments

A plastic surgeons legacy lives on

Fueling the strip clubs

And the sex shops

While helping others to see

That this world in which we live

Though simple enough in theory

Breeds unbridled dreams

Of insanity

Today is Thursday, April 8th, 2010 and it is nor 1030 AM here in Brooklyn, NYC.

When last we spoke, I had not talked with Rizza in a few days, Jackie and I were on an even keel and life was dandy. I was contemplating finally buying my return ticket to the Philippines...

I am actually simaltaneously IMing with Jackie as I compose this entry. These Sidekick phones are nifty. Don't tell Jackie but it has an IM feature separate from the internet so that I can do both. Sure you say your PC or laptop can do that without a problem, on the same screen. Cellular phones however lack the power that a regular computer has. Most allow you to IM or use the internet but not simeltaneously.

I say "do not tell Jackie" because IF she knew she would swear I was IMing with another woman.

Mariposa had commented about Jackie having my Email and IMpassword, saying that it was basically a violation of my personal space. She asked curiosly if all Filipinas are as jealous. As I explained to her, in honesty, I have only ever been romantically involved with 3, Rizza, a Kampampangan woman who is a film actress in the Philippines and of course Jackie. I noted that Rizza and Jackie were both insanely jealous, and that Rizza is a Bisaya and Jackie is half-Bisaya but raised in that culture.

The Philippines has more than 7,100 islands with many dozens of ethnicities and tribes. An Aeta (Negrito) will have precious little in common with an Illokano even though they may live in the same province. However, 1 thing I have noticed since Mariposa posed this question is that among my friends and acquaintances in the Philippines jealousy is a fact of life. Insane jealousy by Western standards though to their credit violence rarely involves itself.

Now Jackie is 26, an intelligent woman, but she is a maniac when it comes to jealousy. I do not really see it as an issue because I am retired, I am narrowing my buisness interests because of Rizza and my situation so that my buisnesses will be run from wherever I build our compound. I do not go to clubs and have only been to 1 bar in my life. I do not drink smoke, drink or gamble and never have. My only vice is opioids/opiates and that is because of a medical condition (getting shot in the jaw). The point is, I really do not see how her jealousy could effect us once I am living with her. Famous last words...

In a way I guess I understand. She lives in a culture where women with unsuccessful marriages are pariahs. The best she could hope for would be to become somone's mistress are badly treated 2nd or 3rd girlfriend. There is no divorce for non-Muslims.

Men have tried to "court" her since she separated from her ex. In the Philippines almost all ethnicities require "courting." Just as people used to do in the West 50 years ago, the man formally asks to court the woman, and if she agrees they date. If the woman is a virgin, and it is in the countryside there will be a chaperone. The cities have changed a lot in the more than 20 years I have been involved with the country. Today they are gaining ground on Western Nations in terms of sex before marriage and even teen pregnancy, something unheard of in the early 1990s (forget about late 80s).

One man that asked her was a Peeping Tom. A soldier, he showed up one day at Jackies with a mutual female friend. Jackie thought they were a couple, they sat in the kitchen. The man kept looking at her which Jackie found strange since she assumed the girl was his woman. Finally the woman said, "Jackie he would like to speak to you." The man loked Jackie in the eye and said he has been standing outside the house for several nights over the last couple of weeks, ever since he followed her as she returned from the mall.

He said he wanted to court her. Quickly getting over her suprise she said, strongly (she says), "Do you realise what you have done? I am in the middle of a messy separation with a man who is trying to take my kids and you are snooping around my house!!!? Then you are gossiping asking questions about me? NO, absolutely not."

The man was shocked. He asked if they still might be friends. Jackie said, "Knowing that you have these feelings for me, absolutely not." She said he looks so shocked.

This was when she and I still had not made our relationship physical, and she was as she said, worried that her ex would take her daughters so I did not enter the conversation.

More recently, about 1 month ago, she was taking a jeepney* to the mall. A Sgt. Sat next to her and as men will do, struck up a conversation. Saying he had just transferred from the 10th Infantry Division in Davao City he was new to the area and asked if Jackie knew where a neighbourhood called Carmen was. She told him she did. He made small talk and when the jeepney arrived in Carmen she said, Sgt, this is Carmen."

As he rose to disembark he asked for her phone number and she replied she was married. He looked shocked and asked if her husband was a soldier. She said yes. He asked what Brigade and Battalion but she answered he is not Filipino.

Looking so suprised he automatically assumed that I was a US Advisor, since US Advisors train the AFP (Pfilippine military) in COIN (Counterinsugency). He told her, "Why do you want an American?" She said, "Because I love him, of course." He replied, "He will leave you," indeed many Advisors do take local women, some inpregnate them and then haul ass never to be seen again.

She told him, even if he leaves me, I will never leave him. I love him." Of course this is Jackie's version. In reality she could have said, "How big is your dick, meet me at 8." I however, being the consummate fool in love that I am tend to believe Jackie.

In truth, she has no reason to lie because she could have simply chosen not to tell me.

She is probablly the most honest person I have ever met, even more honest than me and I am anal retentive about honesty.

So...Jackie is sick now which always worries me. Mindanao is rife with diseases Westerners never think about: Ebola? Cholera? Dengue? Snail Fever? Rabies? Yikessssssssss.

In the US and nost of the developed world being a military dependant means that one is privy to many fringe benefits. In the Philippines however it is relegated to military housing after several years waiting and a seat on a C130 for inter island transport, when such seats are available. C130s have jumps seats along the interior walls (well it would NOT be EXTERIOR, duh) so it is not like say a 747. Medical and dental care are not a benefit.

We were talking about my latest dental work and she asked me a question about what it is like to get your teeth cleaned. I made a joke about it had to have been a long time since she last had seen a dentist. Her reply? "Baby, I have never been to a dentist." That is the Philippines, a place where the middle class never sees a dentist.

Jackie shocked me last night with a question she asked me, but I will leave that for the next entry since this one seems to be getting a bit long in the tooth right now.

It's midnight and I'm sitting here in my bedroom, surfing the net, listening to my iPod, and smoking lots of crystal. Haven't slept and have barely eaten for 2 or 3 days... can't remember exactly. You lose sense of time when you're fried. I love my bedroom. It's like my sanctuary - I always feel safe and secure in here. The shadow people may be lurking outside or even somewhere inside the house, but they ain't in here!

My case manager from the city alcohol & drug service phoned me earlier today and we arranged an appointment for next week. He then said something funny: "Do you think you can be off meth this time? It makes conversations difficult when you're high." I laughed and replied "Sorry, I'll need it to get out of bed and find my way into the city... but I won't be high as a kite, I promise." Whether I manage to keep that promise remains to be seen. I've been using a lot lately.

Shit, I can't even remember why I started this entry now. I'm fucked.

Since ive been off strong opiates ive been doing other drugs to keep me from going insane from boredom. I smoke weed all the time, take my clonazepam and occasionally get something like acid. I took 10 hit's of acid in one night and tripped out of my head. Even saw a doctor while on acid and managed to look normal .

My day usually goes something like this. Wake up, smoke a joint, get something to eat, take some clonazepam and space out for the rest of the day. It's so fucking boring it's not even funny.

1) I joined Bluelight simply because it doesn't have the stupid "SWIM" rule that other drug sites have.

2) I'm a second-generation New Zealander. My grandparents on my father's side were from Ireland.

3) I realised I was transgendered at puberty, came out during my teens, and started HRT.

4) I'm a bit of a "tomboy trans-girl" if that makes sense. I prefer trackpants and hoodies to skirts and dresses.

5) I've studied for a double major in psychology and philosophy at university, but dropped out in my second year.

6) I didn't realise I was bisexual until I was 24. I still prefer guys though.

7) I hate talking on the phone. Got a mild phone phobia, I think.

8 ) I have a younger sister who's more mature and more responsible than me.

9) I get carded every time I try to buy cigarettes or booze.

10) I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

11) I'm a poly-substance addict (duh!).

12) I've separated myself from my extended family for a number of reasons.

13) I went through a "goth" phase during my teens. It was my first chance to explore makeup!

14) I hate society and the mainstream.

15) I have links to 2 gangs.

16) I'm an agnostic but was very spiritual up until my 20's.

17) The longest I've stayed awake was 5 days and 5 nights.

18 ) My tastes in music vary widely, from rap to trance to metal. It all depends on my mood (or what I'm on!)

19) I can swallow up to 8 pills at once with no water.

20) I'm an Aquarius, and very Aquarius-like.

21) The furthest I've travelled is Sydney, Australia.

22) I'm apolitical and I don't vote.

23) I once tried taking on 6 cops. Needless to say, I didn't win the fight.

24) I'm a computer geek but try not to advertise it.

25) This took me over half an hour to write!

My sister was in town for once (we are BFF)! I asked K (cute boy mentioned in last blog) what I should do w/her tonight? He mentioned a *private* club that has hot 80s music Wed's, but u need a member to get you in... so he volunteered. Swoon!
Oh man, dancing w/K and my sis was SO much fun!!! I am so happy I moved to this groovy town
Oh damn.
So perfect.
I love to dance.
Perfect.
night.

Jeeze, now that I have a shiny new avatar, I feel like I need to parade it all over the place. Plus, I'm a sucker for surveys and pseudo-surveys.

1. Within the next month I will be an officially recognized Professional Chemist in the province of Alberta.
2. I've been a vegetarian for over six years, but still cook a better steak than most omnivores.
3. I live alone, and while I would love a bit more companionship (particularly of the female sort), I value my personal space far too much to even consider getting a roommate.
4. Nine days out of ten, I strip naked the second I get home from work, and stay naked until I have to leave the apartment again. Wearing clothes while I'm at home by myself just seems extraneous.
5. I'm an intermediate-level student flutist. I hope within a couple of years to start learning some outside techniques; circular breathing and the articulations used in jazz flute and beatboxing.
6. Ever since I was six, I've needed to have one 'fun' book on the go at all times. Even while researching for papers or preparing for exams at school. Yet I still prefer to only read one 'fun' book at a time.
7. I internalize my emotional responses, so any upsetting, anxiety-causing or other disturbing situations cause me physical pain. Usually manifesting as GI distress or headaches.
8. I still live in the city of my birth, and am the only person that I know of (IRL) who has not moved to my city from elsewhere.
9. I'm finding it tough to think of 25 random-enough facts for this list.
10. The longest that I've gone without speaking was on the order of 23-24 days during a severe depression/social anxiety episode. During that time I had essentially no human contact despite living at home, as I had timed my sleep schedule to avoid everyone.
11. Professionally, I'm very decisive, but in my personal life I'm highly indecisive.
12. I'm a recovering television addict. Unfortunately, I think that I may have just transferred my addiction to the internet.
13. My index toe is as long as my pinkie finger, and nearly as dextrous.
14. I deplore violence, but I think that I'd make a pretty good dictator.
15. I've been at this for over half an hour, and am really running low on ideas.
16. I stutter. Or rather I used to, and thanks to years of therapy I generally don't any more.

Um, and that's all I can think of for now.

Im pretty crappy at these things but ill try...

1)A "friend" introduced me to BL, without the rec. I probably would have never known of the site.

2)I hate people. Not for any particular reason, just do.

3)Im weird, not freaky weird, just weird.

4)I like alot of shows my 10yr old likes.

5)I love watching teletoon retro with my 4yr old.

6)I have 2 kids but have been pregnant 5 times.

7)I have two gay male cats.

8.)I just found out my great gradfather and his father were american (Mass.) .

9)I love geanology, if you ever want help finding out who you are - I am the person to call.

10)I hate calling on the phone though I will talk when someone calls.

11)My family used to own a wolf for 13yrs. Until he got loose and humped a poodle and animal control got him.

12)I have been bisexual all my life.

13)I have been interested in both sexes since I was 5yrs old.

14)Always "cross dressed" all my life.

15)75% deaf in my left ear.

16)Have 3 brothers who are all about a decade older than I. Youngest is 9yrs older.

17)Everyone in my family has a mental illness.

18.)My youngest brother is a pedo and I hate him.

19)I hate craigslist but I am addicted to it.

20)I have identified as FTM for 8 years now and have done nothing more than cut my hair and support groups.

21)I find FTM's hot.

22)I hate the internet but I am too poor to do anything else.

23)I want to visit Disneyland.

24)Is fustrated with trying to figure out my family tree though I just got enough info to last a good 6mos - 1yr of writing.

25)When my dad found his dad's miltary uniform he yelled at my dad then burnt the uniform, I find this tidbit weird and interesting. Can't wait to figure out wtf?! or I might just write a novel of imagination about the whole thing, I bet I could sell a few hundred at least


boring yes i know.... *yawn*

Do I think that with some amount of clean time, or with different life circumstances, I’d be able to control my using?

04/07/10 5:50 PM

This is a source of pseudo-fear for me. I’ve had what I consider substantial clean time before (two 5 year terms) and each time at the 5 year mark, I started using again because I thought I was ‘normal’ now.

This time around is vastly different. I actually use my sponsor, I not only write on my Steps but I practice them (for the most part) in my daily affairs. I’m involved in service work and I make a shitload of meetings.

I know that I will never be able to control my using for any extended period of time but I’m concerned that in the future I will grow complacent and follow the same pattern as before.

The thing is, I don’t need to be afraid of the future. Who the fuck knows what is going to happen tomorrow, a week from now or a decade from now. Life has a lot of twists and turns and a shitload of unknown variables.

As long as I continue doing what I have been doing, I’ll continue to get what I’ve been getting.

Things tend to work themselves out when a little effort and honesty is applied.

04/07/10 5:29 PM

Is there something I think I can’t get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I’ll have to use to survive the hurt?

Not that I can think of. If I got through the beginning part of getting clean without using then I think the worst is behind me.

I hear the stories of others in meetings, the deaths, the homelessness, the sexual abuse, the divorces, etc and I realize that if these folks can get through it without using than so can I.

associate -

• allow oneself to be connected with or seen to be supportive of

• [ intrans. ] meet or have dealings with someone commonly regarded with disapproval

(source: MAC OS X Dictionary Application)

Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my addiction? Can I still go to the places where I used? Do I think its wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just so I ‘remind myself’ or test my recovery? If so, why?

04/07/10 3:15 PM

I just got my computer back from having it repaired and used that as an excuse to not answer questions. I have the computer back now so I no longer have an excuse. I actually WANTED to do some writing on these questions but it seems that I need to have things a very certain way in order to do some things.

Back to the question...

Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my addiction?
Yes I do. Listen, its not like I’m going to seek out the people I used with but I have no intention of avoiding them or attending barbecues or events that they may have. Granted, I have no intention of hanging out very long at any particular gathering but I will most certainly poke my head in to say ‘hey!’.

So far, since being clean, I have been to the bar twice. One was just to say hello to a couple girls from my past that I re-connected with on Facebook. The other was a ‘mini’ high school reunion gathering. I didn’t stay long and there was minimal discomfort.

Now, I’m not an idiot. If I’m invited to a particular picnic (or whatever) during this nice weather, I’m not going to go if I’m in a bad spot mentally.

I refuse to turn into one of those dudes that looks down his nose from insecurity and lack of strength/program at those who still get high. Not everyone has a problem with drugs and alcohol. I do.

Can I still go to the places where I used?
I live in the place where I used. I typically scored my shit, went home and shot drugs until they were all gone. I rarely went out and used socially.

Do I think its wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just so I ‘remind myself’ or test my recovery?
Fuck no!!!! I’d be high as a motherfucker before you could even say ‘motherfucker if I did that.

Well Im 2 days late, nothing new, I've been almost 2 weeks late before but lately I have been regular 28 days.

Normally I wouldn't even post anything cause we've been trying for so long to have 1 more baby, so I never want to jinx myself but now I am all - whatever. If it happens it does, me writing about it won't effect anything.

I got pregnant the same time 10 (almost 11yrs ago). I got pregnant with Austin 5yrs after I had amanda, and austin is almosy 5yrs old.

Que será, será.

Back in January I started to get kinda low.....Then I started therapy and depression came up.
I am always saying "No, no, I'm not depressed."
But I gave up. This therapist was the third Dr. to tell me I was depressed......and not in a way like "You're depressed- now you need to take meds" But more like "Oh, I think you are depressed but maybe don't want to show it"
I admitted to myself after that specific therapy session, that yes, I am depressed. From then on, I went lower and lower and lower,.......The last few weeks I kind of crawled into this bubble I created. I haven't been watching T.V., talking on the phone, doing anything really, no cleaning, being outdoors......
I have been in contact with a woman who owns a Wellness Center in Colorado and she is going to offer my Astrology Services at her clinic.......and I haven't even been working on getting myself together for that. (I need to email her my prices and how I want to work payment etc.) But I have no motivation whatsoever. It is so unlike me.
Yesterday and today I have been trying.....
I've been listening to music and responding to people online.
I'm putting this out there to sort of hold myself to moving forward......hopefully it works.

I don't have a stable wifi anymore and so coming on Bluelight is a little more difficult with an unstable wifi, so I'm still alive just not on Bluelight much. Also I got rid of my facebook which is a little sad as I was doing great in farmville but it was bringing on too much drama. I might get another one but it will be just for close friends and be private.

Well I found out why my dickless ex hasn't signed the papers yet. I got a call from my lawyer the other day stating that he wants full custody. Basically he doesn't want me having any control over her education, religion, or medical. What the fuck??!! So yeah of course my anger got the better of me and I was in a yelling match.

A cute little sidenote. I got the little tyke a tie and dress shoes for the case confrence that I thought we would be going to, but looks like we won't be but who knows with my ex. He's a greedy shallow fuckturd. He needs to be castraded and put in general pop in the local prison just for the sheer LULZ of it. Does that state how much I hate him?

He doesn't want me to have the ability to travel with her unless HE approves it, which means it's never going to happen. We had plans to go to the East Coast eventually but I doubt he'd approve that if he had full custody.

Why are some men such complete fucking assholes? 8)

1) Using large quantities of meth, 3-5 days a week.

2) Feeling like shit for the rest of the week.

3) Repeating this the following week.

I am in the Liverpool drug scene, and have been visiting relatives abroad since mid-February. It started out as a fun escape from my shitty life in the UK (No job, etc.) but is slowly destroying me as I don't have ANYTHING to do:

1) No independence- I have no money so am staying in my father's villa and travelling with him to a flat every few weeks somewhere in the Mediterranean. Two house servants do all the chores and as I can't drive and this area has no proper public transport, I can't go anywhere without my old Dad to drive me. It's well beyond a bit of fun now.

2) No drugs- By far the worst problem. No fucking drugs. Money, the language barrier and being with my family has prevented me getting my hands on so much as a pill of Valium. I just want to come to the places I know and get some downers, opiates and coke in my system. (And try some mephedrone.)

3) No community- I don't know a fucking soul here outside my family and I feel so lonely. I am keeping up with mates from home over Facebook but my heavy drug-using associates aren't on it and I feel so down being out of the scene.

I hope to fly back in first week of May and score straight away, then do a massive blow-out on May 22 which I do to symbolically exorcise old demons. (That day one previous year, which I still vividly remember, my parents found out I was doing coke aged 15. I ran away from home and went to live at my dealer's. The day after, I went back to a bar near my old house to go to a mate's 18th. Fucking Dibble cunts picked me up and forced me back home, as I was under 16 and reported missing- but that wasn't the end of the story. My mum and dad physically locked me in the house, lying awake by the door all night for two nights to stop me leaving and meeting my dealer again. I was withdrawing so bad I phoned 999 in desperation asking to be sectioned, and ended up stuck on a locked children's hospital ward. I would still possibly hurt that cunt policeman who told me "You're 15 so you do as your parents say. That's it." if I saw him. If I wasn't religious I would fucking murder him, no problem. But I believe in forgiveness, hard as it may be for me to forgive...)

It is the birds right outside my window making their instinctual noises of mating, spring morning screeches all happy to be alive and fucking, eating, vomiting in the mouths of their flightless young that first wakes me up hours before I had hoped to actually rise and so I throw a pillow over my face, turn on my side and flop my arm up and over my head, press it into my ear to drown out as much noise as possible and begin to fall back asleep. Within minutes I hear similar noises of instinctual idiocy, stupid behavior, children on the other side of the fence, down below, running around and yapping like coked up miniature poodles, screaming at each other, screaming at their parents, screaming at nothing just because they can. "This is the best day of my life!" the little girl yells at the top of her lungs. I want to shoot an exploding rocket through the sky and make jagged pieces of beautiful bright blue fall down on them, crushing them, impaling them, silencing them. I want to set fire to all the houses on the block and hire busses to evacuate everyone away to a safer place, a place not so devoured by raging, angry flames. A place where they can yell as loud as they can, as early as they want, without bothering the unfixable, sterile, sleeping, borderline psychotics of the world. I want to dance naked in the deserted smoke filled streets, pray to the broken sky for them all to never return. I want the flood waters to rise higher and extinguish the flames, carry me away, down stream, forever.

I remember those fat shots. Hitting the floor is a gimme, the flopping around on the ground is a certainty. Prior to that realization, before the train, before the darkness, the words 'Oh fuck' are uttered. No exclamation point. Just a statement of acceptance and fear.

How does it end? Stroke? Death? Pretty close but neither happened. I don't know how the fuck not, but the worst that happened was a paralyzing fear that if I moved any muscles it would cause my heart to explode from the effort.

I laid on the floor for hours once. Sweating, shaking, afraid.

I can apply that 'fat shot' experience to my feelings the past few days. Is the negativity going to take me to the edge or is it going to completely take me the fuck out? The after effects of those shots always went away in time. This will as well.

I made a new friend today. My group cycling instructor at the Y. We are going to hang out this weekend.
Some of our first words were:
ME: "I don't want cats."
HIM: "I don't want kids."
LOL! Setting parameters is good.

So - mephedrone is going to be made class B pretty soon. Of course, this has caused a collective whinge amongst mephedrone users.

This has got me thinking about drug law in general.

Why are some drugs illegal - what they want you to think
Drugs are dangerous
I don't buy this for a second. While it's nice to think the government is looking out for our health, it doesn't make sense. To use a now clichéd analogy, let's ban horse riding too! Let's ban everything that is fun but essentially pointless.

Negative effect on society
The argument: it's not possible to be a productive member of society if you're abusing drugs.
There's an exception made for alcohol -- which we know can be extremely harmful to a person's ability to function.
There is the argument that drug users are more likely to commit other crimes. I don't see the cause-and-effect correlation worked out here -- why not "criminals are more likely to take drugs"?
The classic is the drug addict stealing to fund their habit. I know a guy who stole from his mum's purse to buy coke, and he hated himself for it. I haven't met the stereotypical smack addict who considers mugging old ladies part of their daily routine.

The real reasons
In my opinion
Politician's personal opinions on drugs[/b]
We have all met the "drugs bad!! Can't give a reason, but drugs bad!!" people. We have this drummed into us from a young age. To make it more palatable to Bluelighters -- how many people do you know who do drugs but "would never touch heroin"?. How many think that if you try it once you'll get addicted? How did they come to this conclusion?

Popular opinion
Epic font size because this is the one people seem to ignore.
I do not have a statistic for this - but I think the majority of the population this DRUGS ARE BAD. A politician has worked hard to get where they are (probably), and they want their party to stay in power, or remain in power.
I have epic font sized this because I shudder whenever I see "the government say", "the government want", as if it is some entity with a mind of its own.
Consider if an election was headed for a 50/50 split - one party wanted to legalise and regulate all drugs, and the other wanted to ban them. I'm pretty sure the anti-drug one would win. So, it's important for the current government to match the public's expectations.

So why do people hate drugs so much?
I don't really know.
The easily led probably just believe they're evil because they're constantly bombarded with the message.

But I know intelligent, thoughtful people who don't accept things at face value, and think the popular media is full of shit, yet still think drugs are bad.
I haven't yet heard a good argument for this. I've heard:
"They're dangerous!". That's not really valid, but if it were true - they should choose not to take the risk, but they should not think that people who do are *bad people*.

"It's hedonistic!". Not that exact phrase - but I get the impression a lot of people think you should work hard to be happy. Well, newsflash, the more hedonistic of the drugs (like meph) will not make you happy long term. You still have to work at that.
Some drug users would argue that their use is not hedonistic - I certainly know a lot of psyche fans think it expands their minds. I don't get on with psyches, but I can understand how they can be considered "worthwhile".
The main flaw is the people who have his attitude tend to drink alcohol and/or smoke weed. What's the difference?

"Mind altering is bad"
This is the "it's unnatural to mess with your brain chemistry" bunch.
I'll accept this argument from people who genuinely to construct their life so they only get "real" pleasure - from art, achievement, nature... I refuse it instantly from people who drink.
This is a fine argument really, but if one of my theoretical opposition party wanted to ban alcohol and caffeine, think they'd win the election? Therefore I do not think it is a majority view - I only mention it because it's the only one that holds any water to me.


What do I think?
I don't think the current government has any choice, because of the majority voters' view.
In an ideal world... I think people should have the right to choose whether or not to take drugs. This is a topic that's been covered many times far more eloquently than I can!
Would this lead to an increase in drug use? Maybe. An increase in drug users? Maybe.
An increase in addictions and drug abusers? Well, how does making a drug illegal protect people from that? It doesn't, at all!

I've managed to break free of the problem with mephedrone I originally had. However, my use has been on the increase again -- 3 weekends out of the last 4. When it's illegal, I'll follow it underground, but with less ease than filling in a 5 minute form on the internet. So I suppose in a way making it illegal will make things easier for me. And for that, mr reader, you probably hate me. You probably think I am "one of the few who ruins it for the rest of us". Sorry!

got to see my dad in the psych ward today, he seemed not going that good. knew how to speak n shit, but ever since that brain abscess thing he's been fucking out of it.
as for me, i got up this morning and the chick that ive been living with cooked breakfast.
about 10am after washing the dishs i took off to come down town, got here and found out that my computer wouldnt let me get on it, thing caught a nasty virus n fuckd my shit up pretty bad. took me a good 45minute panic state to beable to know how to restore the damn thing.
restored it :D, my only use of communication. sucks
anyways went 2 lunch with my mom which was cool. we talked about my trip to denver, and that i need 2 get a job to be able 2 show up at my step sisters place and pay some rent monies. so im fuckin pumped over that.
now i just got done visitin with my dad, and he's still a lil fruity but still my old pops.
i am a little worried, i've been calling this chick that i've been staying with and she's not picking up the phone. so i have no fucking clue where she's at. so i don't know what to do.. guess it's gonna be another night outside. eh least the weather is good ya kno?
my moms bout 2 get off work, so still debating weather i should get a ride 2 the chicks place or jus hang out here at the hospital and just wait till i can fucking get n touch with this chick. (just called and no answer. :/) shit sucks, damnit man.
...
*prays*

Yesterday (friday) I had my first visit with my Suboxone doctor and everything went well. I didn't get to pick up my script yet cause my local pharmacy where my insurance info is stored is about 3 hours away and by time i returned home they were closed. I'm not sure if my insurance will cover the script but i have a pretty good feeling about it. Can't wait till monday when i show up at group and can tell them "yes i've been taking suboxone" and show them the script this time.

Today is Friday, April 2nd,2010 and it is now 934 PM here in Brooklyn, New York City.

When we last heard from our hero, Rachamim, he was dealing with the unbelievable drama in his new lover, Jackie's life, as well as the minor drama in his own, courtesy of his "ex," Rizza. As we rejoin him, he is laying in his bed, listening to a DJ Foozball Trance mix cd from 2008, and enjoying himself immemsely. Hmmm...better rephrase that because the "laying in bed, enjoying himself immensely" thing is producing some profoundly unsavoury images even in our hero's mind...

OK, so...Jackie's life has returned to its semi-dramatic normalcy, and things are going great between us. She is always pressuring me to come home of course, and I reckon she has a right to so, so I will probablly book passage this week. Tickets are the lowest I have seen them in years, 784 US, roundtrip. What is amazing is that I can book all the way to her city, Cagayan del Oro, through 1 airline.

In the Philippines, from the US, there are only 2 airports to fly into, Makati's Aquino (usually booked as "Manila," though it is actually in the afore mentioned Makati), and Mactan (usually booked as "Cebu"). The country has other international airports, like Davao's, and they are even building one in Jackie's city of Cagayan del Oro (actually 70 km away in the same province, in some tiny ass village, don't ask me why). However those airports only cater to flights from Jakarta (Indonesia) and UAE (because of the extrodinarily large number of Filipino Guest Workers in the Middle East). To compound issues, Cebu is useless unless travelling specifically to Cebu Island because outgoing flights to any island but Luzon (Manila) are far and few between.

Here-to-fore one would need to fly into Manila, make his or her way across the city of Makati to the domestic airport (not fun to do, SE Asia can be chaotic to say the least), and THEN fly into whatever far flung island you are going to. Travelling to smaller islands can take up to a week because one then needs to take a ferry.

The Philippines has 7,107 islands, over a length of 1400 km north to south. Mindinao is so far from Manila, 960 km south, that most Mindaonowans (actual word) feel as if they live in a diffferent country. Virtually all never go further than 3 or 4 provinces on the same island.

Anyway, talk about going off on a tangent...

I found, to my amazement, that I can book for example, Northwestern from JFK (NYC) into Manila, with a connecting flight on Philippine Air (via the domestic a.p.) for no extra fees. So, I am thinking that as long as I can fly quickly into Cagayan (and the 4th Infantry Division base, Camp Evangelista) I can avoid the uncertainties of the pre and immediate post-Election chaos that always takes place in the Philippines.

Election time is kiling time, national elections usually have OFFICIAL body counts in the 3 digits. Mindinao is the most violent island in the country. Cotabato had a grenade attack last week at a pre-election meeting of local politicos, as well as the Maguindanao Massacre I talked about in a previous entry, where 57 were mowed down with a belt fed M16, AFTER sexually mutilating the women while they were alive, and so on.

My village of San Franz is not one that suffers from such violence because our family controls it and does so with an iron fist. If it is not 1 of Rizza's uncles and aunts sitting as mayor, it is a Lademora, our G-Dparent's family.

In the Philippines, when you marry, you have G-Dparents, they help prepare the wedding, offer advice if needed, and so on. Our
G-Dfather is a Manobo (Hilltribe) who works with the Govenor who herself is also related to us by marriage (the Plaza family who run both our province of Agusan del Sur, as well as the adjoining province of Agusan del Norte). Our G-Dmother is a daughter of Col. Carlos "Charlie"or "Laddie" Lademora, the overall commander of our local paramilitary. I have spoken about his claim to fame previously, he exterminated an entire village while in the CP (official paramilitary, Constalbury Pilipina, as opposed to the SEMI-official paramilitary he now leads). The daughter was the mayor 2 "slots" ago, her bro who officiated at our civil wedding is the current mayor. We switch "slots" between Beldads, our family, and Lademoras. A "slot" is for 2 terms, 6 years, and the same person can take their side's next slot again. We are also intermarried with them even though they are actually Ilonggos (another tribe).

Col. Lademora was forced to retire from the CP just before it was disbanded by President Aquino, the 1st post-Marcos President. It was disbanded because of issues exactly like the one surrounding the Col.

CP was founded by the Americans just after they took over from Spain but since the 1950s was entirely a Filipino affair. The post-WWII years saw a (previous) communist insurgency from the "Huk," an guerilla army based on Luzon.

On the island of Samar, in the Visayan Islands north of Mindinao, in the early 80s, the Col commanded a district. Entering a village ALLEGEDLY, he had the men, women and children lined up against he outer wall of a grammar school. 1 by 1, walking down the line, he solicited info on the NPA, the latter (and present) communist insurgent army. As each villager denied knowing anything they were shot in the head. It was a small village and I believe the OFFICIAL bodycount was less than 50 but it was enough to make the international media. In previous years it would have never made it past the domestic censors but Marcos was losing his grip.

As the Col faced a charge of Crimes Against Humanity he did what many in his position have done, he came south. He had previously operated in Lanao del Sur, against he Islamic insurgency on the Mindinao and knew our sland well.

Our province of Agusan del Sur is the capitol of the Bisaya (Visayan) on Mindinao. We have the lowest Muslim population on the island (all of 80 families), are extremely isolated even now then, like now we were the epicenter of the communist insurgency. This last fact allowed the Col to carve out a niche for himself.

His patron, Conjuangco, a crony of Marcos and the owner of San Miguel Beer among other well known ventures, was just becoming a partner with the UK based company Guthrie. They sought to carve out a large portion of our province and create a palm oil plantation.

To create this plantation they needed land, and to get land a lot of hilltribesmen and poor Bisaya would need to be "removed." The Col found his calling (just as I 1st arrived in the village coincidently) and his patron in Manila, Conjuangco, had the charges in the mass murder case nullified.

The Col then became the 1st ever Filipino "Lost Command." Supposedly the term originated with Americans in Viet Nam, to describe rogue S. Viet Namese commanders who began operating according to their own personal agendas.

The Col became the 1st Filipino to have the moniker attached but many have had it applied since, Col Navarro also in our province, another anti-communist leader, currently 3 MILF (Muslim) commanders, etc on the souther western coast of the island and so on.

When I met the Col I was a mere Command Sgt (Staff Sgt is closest equivalent in the US but more like a Sgt Major). Soldiers tend to recognise soldiers and in any event I was the only foreigner to walk in that village in many years and everyone was interested in what I was doing.

I was invited to visit his Camp, just south of the village proper off of National Hiway, in what is now Sector I of the palm oil plantation (now owned by a Malaysian consortium, Guthrie sold it long ago). He had 400 plus men, all CP and AFP (miltary proper) vets, well trained and I was extremely impressed. I was taken aback by the Col (and many underlings) anting-anting. "Antings" are talismen, objects that Bisaya (and othere tribes) believe impart magical power. They believe the can even gain invinciability against bullets, turn invisible and so on. The Col wore a chain of human ears, taken from local NPA and Muslim settlers. At least they did not engage in cannabilism (as far as I know) like a lot of Bisaya paramilitaries (eating body parts imparts strong power).

In any event the Col is now very elderly, his son will be stepping aside for a Beldad to assume the mayoralty, and that is that.

So, as I was saying, planning to go home maybe in 3 weeks. IF a coup kicks off prior to my departure I may have to reroute into Indonesia or Malaysia and take a boat in but I am planning to fly into Cagayan as I said. Jackie is beside herself missing me, and I admit, it has been about 3 months since I have seen her and I am missing her, badly.

Everytime I see a plane flying overhead I actually stop and look for a few moments...wishing...

I IMd with Rizza today after playing tag for a few days. She is still out of touch with reality. Now she is begging me for a photo of Jackie. Suuuuuuure. She finally told me about the man she has, a 27 Filipino with a goiter!!! Well, good for her, maybe he has a great personality. I just pray she finds the hapiness she has been looking for. For me, for the 1st time in my life I am beside myself with happiness and can only hope she enjoys the same.

She is still pining for a baby, telling me Ariel, her eldest bro, the child after her, has just had his 1st son. I am not sure what to think. He is in Manchester, England working toward his Masters and working for the National Health Service. He has been there for , if I remember correctly 7 or 8 months. It IS possible I suppose that he fathered it but out of wedlock? My inlaws must be so sad.

Life IS pain but sometimes, just sometimes it has the glimmer of hope, of happiness. I am enjoying that glimmer very much.