slowly unfocusing

snap

another 48 hours gone, blown away in a blur. money i earn slaving away every week day, goes down the tubes again in a haze of drugs and alcohol.

lines of white powder mean i live in the night and sleep in the day. another weekend of temporary new friends, of empty smiles and laughter. waking up in another nameless girl's bed, the shameful stumble home in the morning.

drugs sex and rock n roll, thats what youth is all about right? why is it still so empty? who promised me the world and delivered nothing?

the steady encroaching feeling of wanting to throw it all away follows me still. whispered words to leave it all behind, leave the lonely castle i've built for myself. im not good enough, it was all for naught.

is it the courageous option to turn away and run, or stay and fight?

I always dream of new beginnings, maybe the dream should be to fix the one i've started? pick up the pieces and show her, show them that ive won? what does that even mean? is this about revenge? about proving myself to someone who doesnt even care?

i'm still running, still escaping hiding. every good turn i've made in the past year, i've gone back a thousand times over. there has been no progress, even regression. i haven't faced anything, and again, i know that tonight, i'll hide again.

there is no end in sight, no great revelation which will turn things around. just more darkness. slowly unfocusing.

 

Such is life... Or maybe a lack of one.